Original subtitles

♪

The winnipeg comedy festival presents, the travel show!

Please welcome your host,

Jennifer robertson!

♪ (cheering & applause continues) ♪

Good evening, winnipeg!

Tonight's show is about travel.

Yes, the fun in the sun, luggage packed,

Passport stamped, world of globetrotting,

Jet setting and generalized vacaying.

My name is jennifer robertson.

I am your host.

But please, think of me as your travel guide.

Some of you may recognize me as jocelyn schitt,

From the emmy award winning show, schitt's creek.

- Thank you. - (applause)

Thank you, thank you.

Who would've known that the character I'd be most

Proud of would be named jocelyn schitt?

(laughs)

I did not see that coming.

But what I did see coming is taking a trip to winnipeg

Because traveling within canada is the new

Traveling anywhere else in the world.

When the world was our oyster,

Canada was easier to overlook as a travel spot, right?

Being more the quirky, reliable,

Best friend than the star attraction.

I wouldn't call her an ugly duckling, per se.

You know, more like a, a goose runt or

A goofy baby goose.

Well, goodbye runty gosling and,

Hello, ryan gosling...

And reynolds.

Our greatest exports are lumber, oil,

And attractive ryans.

(laughs)

We have to be careful though, if we export too many,

We won't have enough ryans for ourselves...

To frack.

(laughs)

But you know what else canadians love to hit?

The road, especially in the summer.

There is so much of canada to see in the two months

It's not covered in snow.

(laughs)

And holy, we are road tripping in our own country,

Like never before.

It's the geographical version of naval gazing.

And we are very into us.

(laughs)

The best thing about all this alone time with the

Great outdoors is the degree to which canadians are

Tooling around in their own provinces.

It is charming as schitt.

Sorry, still pronounce it with two t's and a silent c.

It's just a force of habit.

(laughs)

We drove to murky lakes, majestic mountains,

And rustic campgrounds.

So rustic, maybe too rustic.

Only me? Okay, fine.

We're just gonna stay the one night.

When you travel the country, you develop a real

Appreciation for all that canada is.

It has so much more to offer than

What's in our little corner.

It's bugs, it's mostly bugs.

There are so many ways to get bitten in canada.

When I travel abroad,

My mom always worries that I'll be killed.

Yeah, that's just where her sunny disposition takes her.

Whereas most people are like,

"bring me back a snow globe," my mom was all like,

"oh honey, you'll be murdered in prague."

(laughs)

"Italy? You'll all be hit by taxi cabs."

"each of us, mom?

Statistically, I don't think that's possible."

"joke all you want, dear, but don't come crying to me

When the children are carried off by

Howler monkeys in central america."

(laughs)

Nobody does oddly specific doom and gloom like my mom.

And so cheery, too.

So, this year, I gleefully told my mom the

Great news is, that if I die on this trip,

You won't have to clear my body

Through international customs.

(laughs)

And honestly, she smiled.

You know, who else made a killing this summer?

Murderers. Also...

Anyone who sells fudge, because every tiny town

Is always selling fudge.

And this year, we were there for it.

It's an epidemic.

Every turn and turn off, boom,

Fudge stop, fudgeteria, fudge nook,

Fudge shack, and the classic throwback,

Ye olde fudgy shoppe.

(laughs)

It's kind of like when you're pregnant and then

All you notice are other pregnant bellies,

It's like that, but with fudge,

Oh, fudge, we got to get the show on the road.

Are you ready, you guys, are you ready?

(cheering & applause continues)

♪

It was ralph waldo emerson who famously said,

"it's not the destination, it's the journey."

I think that is the most poetic description I've ever

Heard of a man's refusal to ask for directions.

(laughs)

Please welcome the very funny,

Pete zedlacher!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(inaudible speaking)

(cheering & applause)

What!

- Hello, canada! - (cheering)

My god.

One of the great perks of being canadian is that

We get to travel around the world.

We have that canadian passport.

Every country in the world's like, "come on in," right?

21 different countries I've traveled to and performed in.

My, my favorite one was afghanistan.

You guys been to afghanistan?

You got to go, guys.

Oh, I'm telling you, this time of year,

The landmines are changing color.

(laughs)

It's...

Three different occasions I was over there

Performing for our troops.

And on the final time I was over there,

I, I'd become old hat. I knew exactly what I was

Walking into in kandahar airfield.

And I landed, and the soldiers met me and

They said, "hey, pete, just to give you a heads up,

The taliban, they found a collection of russian

Rockets and they're firing them into the camp now."

And I was like, "oh, this is different.

This is different." I said, "are we in danger?"

And he said, "no, they suck. They don't work, don't worry."

(laughs)

So, the soldiers tell me,

"don't worry, we've got a radar system set up.

We're gonna hear the radar go off.

When you hear the radar siren go off, hit the ground."

This is what he tells me, "hit the ground,

You'll probably be all right."

(laughs)

Probably.

Put a probably in there just to plant the seed of doubt.

So, I'm performing on stage.

I'm in kandahar, afghanistan,

In front of, like a giant stage.

We set up in the middle of the desert.

There's 1500 soldiers in front of me.

And in the background, is the mountains of afghanistan.

Amazing. So, and I'm telling the soldiers,

I'm like, "so, they're firing rockets.

Are they firing from the mountains?"

And they said, "yeah." I said,

"is that where the taliban are?" and they're just like,

"yeah, they're up there." and I'm like,

"are they up there right now?" and I'm making a joke.

And they're like, "yep, they're up there right now."

And I'm like, "are they watching right now?"

And they're, "oh yeah, 100%, 100%.

They are very curious as to what's happening right now."

I'm on an elevated stage,

Under bright white spotlights...

Wearing a white hockey jersey with a red maple leaf

In the middle. Just...

(laughs)

Hi! Hi, come on down!

Come on!

So, I laughed, I said, "this is unique.

I don't think any performer in the history of war has

Performed to both sides of a war before, right?"

The good guys up front and the bad guys in the back.

So, I said to the soldiers, "so,

I'm giving you one of these thumbs up,

Come home, safe and sound."

And I gave them another digit in the back, right.

I flipped off the taliban, which made us all cheer, right?

Two minutes later...

"shhh!" that's when the rocket came in.

I like to think that I started an international

Incident by flipping off the taliban, okay.

(laughs)

So, I'm in the middle of my show.

My rocket attack siren goes off.

I'm gonna do an impression for you.

So, this is the rocket attack siren

In kandahar, afghanistan.

Ooooo. "rocket attack."

(laughs)

A very proper british woman's voice

Announces "rocket attack".

So, my reaction to hearing the rocket attack siren

Was like, "why would they choose a british-- oh,

I'm supposed to lie on the ground!"

I forgot the one thing I'm supposed to do.

Soldiers grab me, they usher me off stage,

Go into a concrete bunker.

Now I'm in a concrete bunker with all the soldiers.

I'm there, in there with canadians and the americans,

The brits, australians, norwegians, germans.

I was in a bunker with germans.

Think about that for a second. I was in...

I said to them, "good to see you

On the right side this time," right.

(laughs)

Don't get offen-- they laughed. Don't get offended.

The german soldiers laughed at that.

They were like, "this is true, yes.

This is-- very much on the wrong side last time, yeah.

Sorry about that, yeah."

(laughs)

But I was asking the soldiers like,

"why is it a british woman announcing the rocket attack?"

And they said, "well, english is the most

Prevalent language. So, it should be in english."

And I'm like, "yeah, that makes sense,"

But there's also french soldiers there too.

Could've been in french.

That would have taken too long, right.

It would've been like, "oooo."

(speaking french gibberish)

(laughs)

(speaking french gibberish)

Everybody's dead before he's done talking.

- So they-- - (laughs)

But I said, "why, why is it a british woman?"

They said, "well, it's comforting voice,

Maybe articulate," you know. And I said,

"that makes sense," but there's australians there.

And I said, "how come it's not an australian

Announcing the rocket attack?" and the aussies were like,

"all right, what would that sound like?"

I said, it would be like, "oooo."

(buzzing, grunting continues)

I don't even care if you don't laugh,

That's my favorite joke I've ever written.

That's-- you know what I mean?

It just, it tickles me so much to do.

(laughs)

I said to the germans, "how come it's not in german?

How come they're not announcing

The rocket attack in german?" I knew why,

'cause it would scare the hell out of everybody, that's why.

(laughs)

Oooo! Halt!

Schnell! Schnell!

(laughs)

(speaking german)

Nein!

(laughs)

That would be if rammstein announced the rocket attack.

You're cool, okay.

Some of you were like, what is happening,

I don't...?

(laughs)

I told the soldiers in the bunker,

"it should be a canadian announcing the rocket attack.

Canadians, we're respected worldwide.

When a canadian has something to say, people listen.

Canadian announces the rocket attack."

Oooo.

Sorry, okay, ah...

No, listen fellas, there's a rocket coming in and we,

You know, you got to lie on the ground.

So no, listen, if you lie on the ground,

You'll probably be all right.

Guys, we talked about this. Okay.

It's heading right for you.

Uh, don't be a bunch of dinks.

Hey, come on guys. It's henry.

Ah, geez. I'll tell your mum."

(laughs)

Thank you so much, winnipeg.

That was an absolute pleasure.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This performer didn't go through customs to get here,

But he's still got plenty to declare.

Please welcome, gino durante.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Great to be here, winnipeg. Very excited.

Love to travel.

Recently went on vacation in mexico.

I don't get people who go to all-inclusives and

Complain about everything.

Right, you hear some of them on the beach.

"this is not a five star. Three star at best.

The paint was coming off in the bathroom.

Tiles were moving. Couldn't get a beach chair.

Entire staff only spoke spanish."

(laughs)

All inclusive, you're not allowed to complain.

These guys bend over backwards to make you happy.

I asked for a wake-up call. They don't call you.

You get a mexican dude who comes in your room

With a banjo going...

♪ (singing in spanish) ♪

(laughs)

♪ (singing in spanish) ♪

"rise and shine, mr. Durante."

(laughs)

♪ shine bright like a diamond. ♪

(laughs)

(applause)

Now, when you travel,

You meet people from different cultures.

You get to hear how they communicate.

We had two tourists from scotland trying to

Understand the mexican bartender. Like,

(thick accent) "waiter, my girl,

Can you help me and my friend out here?

We want two brewskies."

"okay, we no have brewskies but we have jet skis."

(laughs)

"water skis."

"ooh, you're gonna give us stroke.

We just want two pints."

"ah, okay. We have apple pies...

Lemon pies. One moment. Amigo..."

(speaking spanish)

"and cherry pies."

(laughs)

Scottish dudes were so discouraged.

They were like, "you know what?

Screw it, give us the cherry pies."

(laughs)

Now also, where you travel

Determines how you communicate.

Right, I have a friend from mexico moved to montreal.

His name is jorge.

Cannot meet a girl in montreal.

He told me in mexico, he always had a girlfriend.

But I think it's different cultures,

Different ways of communicating.

He told me, he's like,

"I don't understand the problem here.

I was out with some friends.

I see a girl, I go talk to her.

Hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you.

Did you want to dancing? Do you like to dance,

Te gusto ballar, dance a little bit?

And she said, 'get lost'."

I was like, "wow, what bar was this?"

"no, it was at walmart this morning in the lineup."

(laughs)

Now, in montreal, we have a lot of french canadians and

Some of them mess up english expressions.

When you visit, you'll hear them in the streets. "yeah?

And what goes around, it's gonna come by the back."

(laughs)

Confusing for tourists.

And with their inflections, some french canadians

Say one thing and it sounds different.

My neighbor is french canadian,

Always speaks to me in english.

Saw her the other day, she tried to say,

"my house is always open." but she was like,

"gino, anytime you want,

My 'hasshole' is open."

(laughs)

"excuse me?"

"okay, sorry, my english is not very,

Um, oh my god, I'm so 'bareass'."

(laughs)

Now, when you travel from montreal,

You'll always get a pilot who isn't so bilingual.

Gives the instructions fluent in french.

Not so much in english. Like....

(speaking french)

"ah..."

(laughs)

"welcome...

To the plane."

(laughs)

"we go to cancun and...

We're gonna get there."

(laughs)

"in montreal now it's cold.

But over there, she's hot."

(laughs)

"we, uh, we hope that you gonna

Pleasure yourself on this flight."

(laughs)

"please note the departure will be a little bit retarded."

(laughs)

"if you have a question for the cockpit,

Our hasshole is open."

Winnipeg, you are wonderful. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

This performer usually flies coach,

But her comedy is always first class.

Please welcome, martha chaves!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

I love to be here.

I travel a lot because of my job.

I am a terrorist.

(laughs)

Oh, thank god, you laugh.

In some places, that joke is frowned upon.

Especially don't say it to customs officers.

They have no sense of humour.

It's against the law to joke at customs.

And usually, it's against the law.

And usually when I'm nervous, I joke.

And I am always nervous when I cross the border

Because I am going...

To work legally, and, uh...

(laughs)

And last time I went, I was really nervous.

I was sweating like trump...

At a spelling bee.

(laughs)

And that customs guy, he asked me,

"are you planning to work in the united states?"

And I was, "no, I am planning to go on welfare."

(laughs)

I had a lot of explaining to do.

(laughs)

I went to do shows in a little town in northern alberta.

One of those towns that are by the pipeline.

You know, it was a horrendous bar.

When I get there, I see the people.

And usually, I love to talk to people from all over the--

Usually people don't know anything about me.

I come here, maybe we don't have anything in common,

But I find that we will be able to bridge, you know,

Like I will be able to communicate with you.

But when I see the people there,

Oh my god, mamacita, you know.

They were hammered.

But beyond hammered, they was, uh,

Maybe they were not even drunk with alcohol.

It was alcohol plus water from the tar sands.

(laughs)

So, when I see them, I said, "yeah,

I'm gonna have to bite the bullet here."

And I started meditating.

"om. I need rum."

Then I get drunk like them,

So we could communicate better. But then I need to go pee.

I need to go pee. And the bathroom is downstairs.

And I told you, the place is filthy.

To go there, the stairs were really steeps.

And then to go down, you had to hold the rail.

And holding the rail, you know,

Or not holding the rail.

To choose between holding it or not holding it

Was like choosing between breaking my neck...

And corona. That was the choice.

(laughs)

So finally, I get to the bathroom.

I open the door, pow, with a kick.

I close it with my elbows.

And then I take a gander in the toilet and it's like

The 9 circles of hell from dante's inferno.

(laughs)

And then at that moment, I thank god that the floor

Is sticky because I can just plant myself like a,

Glue my feet there.

It's like if I have suction cups in the sole of my feet.

And I know that I'm not going to fall on that filthy toilet.

And then I could just pee to my heart desire.

"sssss."

And when I find out that there is no toilet paper,

I could just shake the chimichanga,

♪ la, lo, la, lo, la, lo, la, lo, la, lo. ♪

Yeah, I wasn't going to wipe with my shirt.

I'm a classy broad.

(laughs)

I wasn't going to put my leg up,

That thing dries your hands, you know.

Can you imagine that?

Brrrrp, brrrrp, brrrrp.

(laughs)

And, what if I like it?

(laughs)

(applause)

Then I will have to go to public bathrooms

To get my kinks, you know.

I will go with a hoody.

You will see me in the evening news.

They will say, 'the bathroom bandit is at large."

(laughs)

"we can't tell who she is because she's wearing a mask."

It's the law.

The moral of the story is that when you travel again

And you go to little towns, bring your own toilet paper.

That is the moral of the story.

Thank you, winnipeg,

You have warmed my heart so much!

Thank you, thank you!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Not only does this comic have a lot of baggage,

But he also loves to carry on.

Please welcome ryan dillon!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

What's up?

- (cheering) - woo.

- (laughs) - I love you guys.

This is great.

I never got to travel much growing up.

Traveling wasn't a thing in my family.

We were very poor.

The only thing we did for vacation was camping,

Which is just being poor outside.

(laughs)

That's all camping is, it's just being poor outside.

We went camping 'cause my mom was prepping us

For when we lost the house.

(laughs)

But just a few years ago I actually went on

My very first big trip by myself.

My girlfriend and I went to iceland.

Iceland, yeah, the nicest place in the world.

- (applause) - yes, yes, iceland.

Give it up for iceland, yes!

Yeah, we went to iceland.

Nicest place in the world, right?

And the trip almost got ruined.

The trip almost got ruined. Here's what happened.

First thing's first,

We bought our tickets with wow airlines.

- (laughs) - yes.

For those who don't know, they don't exist anymore.

They went bankrupt right after I bought the tickets,

Which sucks 'cause the only reason you go with wow

Is because they're so cheap.

That's why they're called wow 'cause you're like,

"wow, they're so cheap."

(laughs)

But then they went bankrupt. Didn't give me my money back

Then charged my credit card a $200 fee.

And I was like, "wow, you guys are cheap," right.

So then we had to buy a second pair of tickets

At full price. So now my girlfriend's nervous.

So on the day of the flight, she looks at me,

She goes, "don't forget your passport."

I was like, "I'm not gonna forget my passport."

She said, "don't forget your passport."

I was like, "I'm not gonna forget my passport."

She said, "don't forget your passport."

I was like, "I'm not gonna forget my passport."

She said, "don't forget your passport."

And what happened, we went to the airport,

We got through security,

We got up to the gate, and what did I do...?

I brought my passport and she forgot hers.

(laughs & applause)

Yeah, yeah.

So now she's crying in the airport.

They're closing the gates for the flight.

Security is asking us, "what do you want to do?"

She's making a huge scene.

And this is chaos and madness.

And in that moment, she looks at me,

She goes, "just go without me."

(laughs)

(sighs)

(nervous laugh)

Ah-ha!

Ha-ha...

Now I can't do that. Can you imagine seeing that?

Can you imagine seeing my girlfriend forget her passport,

Them closing the gates, asking what we want to do.

Her crying, her asking me that question.

And I just went, "hey babe, hey,

Don't worry about it."

"everything's gonna be okay...

When I get back," and I just left, right?

Like, don't worry, I won't forget you.

It's not like you're a passport.

(laughs)

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

So now, we had to go back home and get her passport,

Which means we missed our flight,

Which means we had to buy

A third pair of tickets at full price.

We have now spent $6,500 to cry in the airport.

So we finally go, we're in iceland.

It's amazing, the people are wonderful.

The country is beautiful.

And we're going to this music festival.

I'm thinking the worst is over,

We can finally enjoy our trip.

But I was wrong, 'cause we went to the music festival

And came back to the airbnb to find the door kicked in

Because we got robbed.

We got robbed in iceland,

The nicest place in the world.

(laughs)

Now, here's the thing, we got robbed.

But what's the thing you tell yourself

In those situations? We were safe,

We had each other. You know, we were fine.

But here's the thing, they took something

That can't be replaced.

My girlfriend, when we met a few years ago,

The first gift she got me was a handmade

Leather notebook for me to write my jokes in.

Favorite gift I've ever gotten in my life.

And they took that.

Yeah, and that sucks. That really bummed me out.

And I remember standing in the wreckage of the airbnb,

The cop was talking to hannah,

The place is a mess, and I remember like looking at the

Mess, thinking like, god, like they took the notebook.

Like it doesn't mean-- like, why would they do that?

And then....

I saw on the ground pieces of paper from my notebook.

And I picked them up and I was like,

Wait a minute....

They stole the notebook...

(laughs)

But not my jokes.

Did I just bomb while getting robbed in iceland?

I just bombed while getting robbed in iceland.

Do you know how unfunny you have to be for someone

To pick up your joke book, read your jokes,

Not laugh, rip them out, throw them to the ground and

They don't even speak english?

And I was so upset until we found one piece of paper,

Not in my hand writing. It was in theirs.

Yeah, and I got the cop to translate it.

And you know what it said?

It said, "your poetry goddamn sucks."

(laughs)

And I was like, did I just get heckled

While being robbed in iceland?

(laughs)

So we had no food, we had no money.

We had no clothes, we had nowhere to stay.

And we were stuck there for three more days.

So we just tried to find something to do in iceland

That was free, that was nice.

So we went on this hike, all these tourists do.

And we got to the top of this mountain and

We're holding each other's hands.

And you know when you and your partner are mad,

But you're not mad at each other.

You're just mad at the thing.

And we're sitting there in that energy.

And I just remember thinking, god, this trip.

I just want to go home. I just hate it.

And then, I heard my girlfriend just start laughing.

And I looked at her and I was like, "what?"

And then she looks at me, goes,

"how crazy would it be if you proposed right now?"

(laughs continue)

And then I looked at her....

And I said, "hannah..."

Please don't ruin this trip."

My name is ryan dillon. You guys have been fantastic.

Thank you so much. Bye, winnipeg.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This comic says, if you don't behave,

She will turn the car around.

Please welcome, elvira kurt.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Ah, thanks!

It's just like I know you guys. I love it.

(laughs)

Alright, so, now, would it surprise you to learn that I...

Do a lot of lesbian cruises?

Or was that, for some of you,

The final piece of the puzzle?

(laughs)

Oh yeah, muff diver loves the water.

Check, alright.

(laughs)

Cruises get shit on a lot.

I mean, cruises and cruise ships,

They already had a bad rap even before the rona, right?

If it wasn't like the gastro bug,

It was human error.

Go online, the internet filled with videos of these

Massive ocean going vessels,

Just plowing into docks.

(laughs)

From like a slow, like so slow.

It's like, slow, violent inevitability.

Nooo!

(laughs)

I'll never forget that one cruise ship accident.

Do you guys remember this one?

The um, where that captain...

The captain hit an island. Do you remember that one?

The costa concordia. Do you reme--

Oh my god, the guy has like a 50,000 ton boat.

Does a tight turn, whole thing tips over.

It was like such a disaster.

Twice the weight of the titanic and this guy is

Steering it like it's a jet ski.

(laughs)

"captain, small island dead ahead."

"ay, ay! Want to spray it?"

(laughs)

To be fair, alright, to the cruise industry,

Cruises are, are amazing.

Cruises are amazing.

There's no better way to see the world than

While you're destroying it.

(laughs)

I once did a cruise, one of these lezzie cruises,

From montreal to boston, which,

You know, it's very hard to justify montreal to boston.

Like, you can take a bus for 89 bucks.

(laughs)

You can actually bike it.

A cruise ship from montreal to boston,

Who am I, beyoncé?

(laughs)

I'd like to leave montreal and make my way to boston

In the most extravagant manner possible.

(laughs)

But the best, the best cruise I ever took,

The best of these lezzie cruises I ever took

Was the baltic sea cruise.

Mostly, because I didn't really know where it was.

- And... - (laughs)

I'm not that interested in the world.

And, I just didn't expect russia

To feel so familiar to me.

And like I should have, right, 'cause I'm hungarian.

But like russians are the most dour people ever.

And as a hungarian, I know from joylessness.

(laughs)

Imagine an entire country full of melania

When she's off camera.

(laughs & applause)

Our tour guide in russia was the best.

Which means that she was the most miserable person ever.

(laughs) oh, my god.

She just sat there while, she-- the bus was touring

Around st. Petersburg, just listing off,

You know, depressing statistic one after another.

"life expectancy in russia keeps dropping.

The economy is so bad and the people are very unhappy.

Crime is on the rise.

And living here my whole life and my bag,

Wallet stolen three times just in this month.

So ladies, I beg of you, for the love of god,

Do not let go of your valuables.

Now, please go enjoy the city."

(laughs)

So, I've been traveling for work for

A very, very long time.

I've been doing this for a very long time.

And the first time I went out,

I did this weird sentimental thing.

And I wrote my parents a postcard.

And I wrote it in hungarian because

I thought it would be funny.

Also, it's the language they speak.

(laughs)

So, not totally random.

And, it was my first language,

Even though I was born in canada.

And, I did it partly because my hungarian is so rusty

That I wanted to practice it.

Like I have really basic, fundamental,

Like grade three level hungarian.

So they, everything I write and speak,

It's very clunky, you know.

Like an expression, like, "drive this point home,"

When I speak it or write it in hungarian,

It comes out as, "I am putting this thought into

Your car and taking it to your house."

(laughs)

Like it works, but it's clunky, right?

And who cares, it doesn't matter,

Until this one time where

I'm doing another tour of college shows.

I'm in jfk airport and walking towards me

From the other end of the hall, I see, oh my god,

It's my cousin. It's my cousin from hungary.

The last time we saw each other we were kids.

And now here we are as adults.

And in that instant that we're hugging and crying,

It occurs to me that I haven't told her anything

About my life, anything about who I am.

And that maybe, you know, she'd be deeply offended

If I didn't include her in who I was.

And so I realized I wanted to tell her that

I was a lesbian right there.

I start talking and then, you know,

It dawns on me like in an instant that I have

No idea how to say homosexual in hungarian.

(laughs)

So, I'm not sure, but what I think I said

Was that I like to travel on top of women.

(laughs)

I think that pretty much put the thought into her car and

Took it to her house.

Thanks a lot, everybody!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

A famous author once wrote,

"live your life by a compass, not a clock."

That's a powerful message I think of every morning

When I wake up at the crack of east southeast.

(laughs)

Please welcome, mike delamont.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello...

Hello. How are you?

It's nice to be here.

This is exciting. I'm so happy to be here.

My wife and I, we just celebrated our

Fifth wedding anniversary.

- (cheering & applause) - and, I know, I know.

And I know when I say, "wife," people are like,

"hm, does he mean wife?"

'cause I, I hear how I talk as well.

(laughs)

This is my all the time voice. This is what I sound like.

And, we went to jamaica to celebrate our fifth wedding--

And if you have a chance to go to jamaica, do.

It's incredible.

But we'd never taken a vacation before.

And now, I like to go on vacations,

But I learned on this experience that

My wife likes to take trips.

And trips sound like vacations, but they're not.

(laughs)

A trip is when you go and you see all,

Let's go and see the...

"bl-bl-bl".

Like let's, let's climb the "bleh".

Like I don't, I don't want to do any of that.

I want to go on a vacation.

Like, I want to be in a pool,

Drunk as a skunk the whole time.

Like, I want a pina colada in both hands.

And I want to have been in the pool long enough

To make the other tourists nervous.

(laughs)

Like I want them to be like, "did he get out to pee today?"

And I did not. No, I did not, no.

That's what chlorine is. That's what chlorine is for.

(laughs)

But we got there, and it was wonderful.

It was perfect, it was the vacation spot.

But my wife surprised me. My wife says,

"how would you feel about going snorkeling?"

And I was gonna say, "no!"

But I said, "yes,"

'cause I decided that what I would do

Is I would hedge my bets.

I'm six foot seven. I have a size 16 foot.

There is no way a jamaican rental hut

Is going to have rental equipment

To fit my gigantic porpoise body.

So I said, "yes, that sounds delightful."

So, we go down to the rental hut,

And with too much confidence,

I say, do you have a size 16 flipper?

And the man says, "yes."

And then he reaches down into the far left cubby and

Pulls out the dustiest pair of flip-- these hadn't seen

Daylight since the reagan administration.

Like they...

He blew on them, like he found a lamp.

Ooh-ooh. Like, make a wish.

I wish I wasn't here!

(laughs)

And then we all get masks, these little circular masks.

The guy goes, "before you put these on,

I have to show you the technique."

(laughs)

So, I took off my sunglasses,

Which I was so angry about because I had just gotten

Brand new sunglasses.

And it was the first time I ever got sunglasses

That fit my fat face.

I realize people don't know what that means.

If you're skinny, good for you.

Congratulations on your life choices.

But I have big, like big honking owl cheeks.

So every single time I smile,

My sunglasses go, boop!

(laughs)

So, I take those off and...

This is the, this is the technique to

Attach the mask to your face.

I'm glad everyone's sitting for this.

He said, "I want you to spit in the mask."

I said, "that's gross."

He said, "then take two fingers and

Mush the spit around the mask."

I said, "this is grosser."

He said, "now put the mask on your face."

And I said, "this is a rental!"

(laughs)

He said, "don't worry. We clean 'em after every use."

And I said, "I saw the flippers!"

(laughs continue)

So, I put it to my face, put the rubber band around.

And this is the technique. Welcome to my ted talk.

This is the technique, this is how--

This is how you secure it to your face.

This is it. (inahles) that's it.

You just inhale through your nose.

And then the mask goes, fwoop.

(laughs)

So, we get on the boat and we go out in the bay.

We don't even go far. So, I get in the water.

And the moment I get in the water and I put my face in

The water and I start to actually snorkel.

It's overwhelming. It's a wonderful experience.

I'm a good swimmer, I've always swam.

And that, that feeling of that, that...

Bathtub, warm water hugging you.

And you can feel the sun on your back.

And you can see through that crystal clear water,

You can see it move on the sand and

You can see fish and creatures.

It's, it's a wonderful experience.

It was overwhelming. And I felt pure joy.

And in a moment of pure joy, I smiled.

(laughs continue)

That spit technique was no match for my owl cheeks.

Not at all.

I smiled and that mask, just,

Fwoop, just off my face.

And I started to titanic. It just starts to flood.

And I freak out, like I am crying.

I think, it was so salty.

And I scream, which is mostly bubbles.

And I am losing my mind.

Like, I'm a good swimmer, but not right now.

'cause I am panicked, I am freaking out.

I can hear people just scream, but they're moving away from me.

And the cacophony of the madness is getting

Quieter and quieter and quieter.

But I can still hear a voice.

I can hear my wife's voice.

I can hear my wife's voice crystal clear

Over the silence, over all of it.

I hear my wife say...

"stand up!"

(laughs continue)

I don't mind telling you, I, I had hissy fitted my way

Into what I will generously call two feet of water.

(laughs)

When I got up, it didn't even touch my shorts.

I didn't even go back in the water.

I just walked back to the resort.

That's all I did.

Listen, you guys have been fantastic.

Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

See you again soon.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Well folks, that's our show.

Before you leave, I'd like to share one of

My favorite travel quotes with you.

Stop worrying about the potholes on the road and

Enjoy the journey...

Unless you're a winnipegger, in which case,

Definitely worry about the potholes.

Good night, everybody. Thank you.

♪ (cheering & applause continues) ♪

♪