Original subtitles

♪

The winnipeg comedy festival presents,

The tech show!

Here's your host, erica sigurdson!

- Thank you! - (cheering & applause)

Wow! Oh, stop it.

Just a little bit more.

- Hi, guys. - (cheering)

Hello, hi.

Welcome to the winnipeg comedy festival.

Yes, I am your host, erica sigurdson.

And tonight's show is all about technology.

Yeah, oh, ooh, exciting.

You know, technology, that thing you spend way

Too much money on to make your life

Way more unnecessarily complicated.

Like, do we really need our appliances to be

Equipped with advanced technology?

I think we peaked at roomba, right?

That's smart technology. It vacuums my floor

While I am on the couch drinking red wine.

This is also why I have the roomba wet/dry, right?

In case I nod off and then she can do another lap.

Like, too many of our daily household items

Are trying to adopt technology.

Do I really need a tete-a-tete with my toothbrush?

Is that necessary? I'm closer to my fitbit

And my kitchen than I am with my own family.

Smart fridges are ridiculous.

Oh, sorry, mom. I can't talk right now.

I just got a text from my fridge and,

My cauliflower's going through a really rough time.

(laughs)

Like, what is happening?

The more our appliances get advanced,

The worse the appliances. Right?

How long do appliances last now? Two years?

You know they're crap 'cause they always try to push that

Extended warranty on you, don't they?

They really-- the sales person will tell you

How great this fridge is.

"this is the best thing you'll ever get."

And then, as he's ringing you up,

He will look you dead in the eye and say,

"this fridge is trash.

You're definitely gonna want the extended warranty."

(laughs)

Right, yet in 1946, my grandparents were

Given a refrigerator as a wedding present.

Spoiler alert, my grandparents are now dead...

But that fridge is still keeping beer cold

In my uncle's garage. Right? Yes.

(applause)

And when it comes to technology advancements,

It's got to make things better to be worth it.

Like when I travel, I have a portable wi-fi router

That I hook up in my room. And I basically get

All the hotel's wi-fi to give me the best wi-fi.

So, then my neighbours have barely any wi-fi.

So then, they have to either talk or have sex,

Which then I ironically close my laptop and just listen to them.

(laughs)

And besides technology that makes my life easier,

I'm also a big fan of my wearable medical technology,

Which makes life a little bit easier and possible

As a type one diabetic. That's right, type one.

The original gangster of diabetes.

- (laughs) - huh?

I got it when I was a kid.

When my immune system turned on me,

Attacked my insulin producing cells in my pancreas,

Tried to kill me.

Do we have any other type ones in the house?

(laughs)

Any type twos in the house?

Gestational? Are you there?

Oh, look it, some of you are confused.

That's right, you showed up for a comedy show,

But I'm gonna make you learn something.

(laughs)

It's 'cause I can see, I can see you're looking,

"what is on her arm?" on my left arm,

I have an insulin pump and on my right arm,

I have a dexcom continuous glucose monitor.

So, one is telling me how much sugar is in my blood.

The other one is gonna give me insulin.

Now, you might be thinking, wow, what a hero.

(laughs)

And you'd be right.

I'm basically an inspiration to all I meet.

But let's get back to the technology.

Diabetes tech has come a way,

Way long way since diabetes was first discovered.

In fact, up until the 11th century,

Diabetes was diagnosed by water tasters...

Who would taste urine...

And if it was sweet, you had diabetes.

Yeah, that was a job.

Today, it's a fetish.

- (laughs) - right?

Could you imagine putting that on your linkedin?

Like how did they even get that job,

In the first place?

I mean, it was probably word of mouth.

I'm pretty sure.

- Thank you. - (applause)

Yeah, I know you liked that one.

Okay, so, I digress.

So, can we talk about how terrible having

Type one diabetes was as a little kid,

At Halloween? I know!

Before this, candy was off the table.

But my parents would still send me out trick or treating.

(laughs)

They would send me out, and then when I came home,

They would take all my candy away.

And then they would give me the peanuts and raisins.

(laughs)

Oh, fun.

I was the most regular kid in school

For the first week of November.

(laughs)

Like Halloween was bad, but easter was worse 'cause

That's when chocolate showed up at your house. Right?

So, what my parents would do is they would hide

Chocolate eggs in my sister, non-diabetic sister's room,

Chocolate eggs, and then they'd hide peanuts and

Raisins in my room.

So then, I'd wake up in the morning,

And my sister would be in her room and she'd be,

(gasps) "the easter bunny left chocolates in my room!"

And then I'd look around and be like...

(gasps) the easter bunny shit in my room.

(laughs)

Now, what do you say are you guys ready

To keep this show moving?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This comic is all that and a bag of microchips.

Please welcome the very funny, dan taylor!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm excited to be here.

I was hacked recently, very terrifying.

I got an email from an app that I use and they said,

"sorry, sir, it appears that all of the information that

You put into our app has been compromised,

Potentially by russian crime interests."

And I was very concerned until I remembered that

This app was my fitness pal.

(laughs)

For those of you that don't know,

My fitness pal is an app that you record everything

You eat and all of your exercise.

It's supposed to help you be healthier.

And I just imagined a russian crime lord sitting

With my information going like, "well,

It appears that mr. Taylor exercises sporadically..."

(laughs)

"and has an unhealthy relationship

With fried chicken."

(laughs)

Which is true.

And that's one way that you could get that information

Is to like hack into a computer server and steal it.

The other way to get that information would be

Looking at me, like all of you are doing right now.

(laughs)

But it's weird because these technological advances just

Open up a whole new world of things to be nervous about.

This happened to me recently,

The world became complex to navigate.

I was trying to pay for something at a convenience

Store using the tap function on my debit card.

But there was no tap function for my debit card.

So, I'm just standing there with my debit card going...

(laughs continue)

And then, because my brain is really smart.

It's like, oh, you should just press harder.

(laughs)

Meanwhile, the poor woman behind the counter is like,

"sir, we don't. Sir, we...

Sir, we don't... You'll figure it out."

(laughs)

But it makes it a complex world in which to live.

Everything is designed around us now to make us

Feel like we're the center of the universe, right?

Like I can order food and get exactly what I want in minutes.

I can have advertisements that are geared to actually...

To exactly what I want.

So, I'm constantly walking through the world,

Thinking that everything is happening to me and at me.

It's a terrible way to operate in the world.

And the internet has started to choose who we date for us,

Which makes me nervous.

Because like, I'm old enough to remember when

Internet dating was weird, right?

I'm old enough to remember that if my sister had of

Come up to me in 1998 and went,

"I'm gonna go on a date with a guy I met in

A geo cities chat room."

I would have said, "oh, that's dangerous.

Please take this pager so we can find you later."

(laughs)

And eharmony, I think they're lying to us too.

Because eharmony says that they're gonna hook you up

With your partner on 42 levels of compatibility.

42 levels of compatibility.

I've been married for a thousand years.

There are days we're lucky if we've got two.

(laughs)

One of which is that we've been married

For the last thousand years.

The other is that we've agreed that we're not

Getting out of this marriage alive.

(laughs)

I ah... But technology can improve some things.

Like I said, I've been married a thousand years.

And when my wife and I first got married,

We would sometimes engage in marital intimacy.

And if we wanted to listen to music while

We were engaging in marital intimacy,

We had to put on a cd.

(laughs)

One cd...

To take you through all of the peaks and valleys

That goes along with the marital intimacy experience.

That is a lot of pressure to put on big shiny tunes seven.

(laughs)

So, now the world is different, it's great.

I can plan the whole thing out.

I can, I've made a playlist in advance.

So, when we go for regular marital intimacy,

Everything is smooth.

I trust every song on that playlist.

But, it can get screwed up because recently,

We had surprise marital intimacy.

It still happens sometimes. And...

I didn't have a chance to put the music on.

I just had to go with the playlist, the radio,

The internet radio station that was already going.

And it was terrifying because

I was listening to canadian rock.

(laughs)

It started off fine.

It was blue rodeo's 'five days in may'.

It's a long song, I's a romantic song.

Mid-tempo, takes us about 7 minutes in.

It was great, we were doing okay.

Second song playing with fire here.

Now it's sarah mclaughlan. We're still in a good place.

Third song, jann arden.

By this time, I'm like this phone is a genius.

This phone knows everything about us.

It's been tracking us on our fitbit.

It knows everything about...

It knows everything about our pg 13 lovemaking.

And that is, and that's what we've got.

Like, I've been married a very long time.

We are into completely normal pg 13 vanilla sex.

That is fine, we like it that way.

Our sex life is so tame that you could broadcast it

On cbc television at 9:30 pm...

And no one would notice.

(laughs)

It would just be like, "did we get the quebec feed early?"

I, ah...

(laughs)

So, by this time, we've got blue rodeo.

We got sarah mclaughlan, we got jann arden.

Things are going great. Everything is awesome.

We're headed, we're headed to, to great places.

We got a lot of places to go like till song number four

Comes on, 'the wreck of the edmund fitzgerald'

By gordon lightfoot.

(laughs)

(applause)

Now I, like many of you in this room,

Am a big fan of the song about the great lake

They called gitche gumee.

(laughs)

And there are times and places when I want to be

Reminded of this tragic death of 29 sailors.

But not right now.

(laughs & applause)

My name is dan taylor. You guys have been awesome.

Thanks so much, have a good night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

I just downloaded a landscaping and

Yard maintenance app.

It's the latest in cutting hedge technology.

[audience] oh!

Alexa wrote that.

Now welcome a funny human, joe vu.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Thank you, thanks a lot.

My name is joe and I'm a fan of technology,

But even I find it hard to keep up with.

I think the cell phone is a weird thing.

Like it's the only invention in the world where its

Intended purpose to call someone is never used, right?

Like no one calls each other anymore.

It'd be like, if you didn't use your microwave to microwave,

You just kept it by your bedside like a giant clock.

(laughs)

You know? If I travel back to the 90s,

Pointed to someone's cell phone, was like,

In the future, you know that brick in your hands,

Oh, that's gonna be the most popular

Global consumer product in the world.

They'd be like, "wow, is that because in the future

Verbal communication is the most important thing

To an advanced civilization?"

No, no, no, no. We're very dumb.

(laughs)

Yeah, no one knows how to talk anymore.

What we do is we send each other these short choppy

Sentences, butchering grammar and spelling,

And no one understands what we're saying,

So we have to send in these funny cartoon faces

To help explain what we really mean.

Yeah, and sometimes also pictures of vegetables that

Are actually sexual innuendos.

(laughs)

I think we're very spoiled with technology.

You know, we're at the point now,

Where if I pulled out a five-year-old phone,

People would make fun of me.

Yeah, I think we make fun of old technology,

Even though none of us understand how it works, right?

Like we would make fun of someone using a

Rotary phone, even though I'm certain a rotary phone

Was invented by some sort of genius.

And for the young people in the audience who don't know

What a rotary phone is, it's a phone back in the day

Where you would need to rotate parts of it

As if you were casting a spell, right.

And then, a voice from beyond would answer.

And that voice would never be the person that you were

Trying to talk to, because families would share a phone.

And I remember being a young guy trying to muster up

Enough courage to call my crush and

Always getting the father. I'd be like, "hello,

Mr. Johnson, can I speak to lisa, please?"

And he would be like,

"no, lisa's doing her homework right now.

Never call back again.

You will never have sex with her, joe vu."

(laughs)

Cool, cool, cool, cool. I'll try again next week.

Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, I'm not always that successful with women.

But I have been successful one time with a woman.

- Yeah. - (laughs)

So back in, back in high school,

I used to volunteer at a hospital.

And while I was there,

I met another volunteer named gloria.

And I had a huge crush on her.

She was very pretty and very, very ambitious.

Like at the age of four,

She already knew she wanted to be a doctor.

That's all she focused her energy towards.

And she was also the type of girl

That stressed over everything.

So, even the thought about trying to become a doctor

Stressed her out and gave her gray hairs.

And I would tell her all the time that I thought

She was smart enough and most importantly,

Kind enough to be a doctor.

And she would tell me the same thing.

And I'd be like, "sh, sh, keep your voice down.

Don't give my father any hope."

(laughs)

So, 15 years later, I'm cleaning out boxes.

And I find an old picture of us tucked away inside the box.

It's a picture she gave me the last time I saw her.

And in the picture, we're in our hospital uniforms.

We're smiling, we're happy. Arms over the shoulder.

I'm looking at the picture and I flip it over,

And I notice for the first time that she had written me a note.

"dear joe, I've never told you how much

Your encouragement means to me.

And I know it will be difficult for us to keep in touch

With each of us going to

Different universities next year.

But I really hope we do because I think we have

Something very special and I would never want to lose that.

Love gloria."

Now this was like the land before time,

You know, before email was a thing,

Like way before texting.

If you wanted to keep in touch with someone

You had to hand write letters.

And no one hand wrote letters.

So, we lost touch.

And there I was, 15 years later,

Wondering what happened to gloria.

You know, did she ever become that doctor

I knew she was destined to become?

And then I started to think, wait a second.

We have something called technology,

Something called google and it's magical.

It's mystical, and it's creepy. Right?

So, obviously, I googled her name, nothing.

Facebook, nothing. Instagram, nothing.

Linkedin, nothing. I got desperate...

Myspace, nothing, right.

And then I remembered that my father is listed

In the ontario physician's directory.

So, I put in her name and a single search result came up.

Someone with her name, graduating in the year that

Would make sense for us.

And I was like, oh my god, gloria, you did it.

You became a doctor. Amazing.

My online stalking skills have finally paid off.

(laughs)

Beside her name was an email address.

And I was thinking, how creepy would it be

If I emailed her to congratulate her?

And then I remembered, she knew me back in high school

And I was like way creepier back then.

So, I emailed her. Two weeks go by, nothing.

Another two weeks, nothing. And I'm thinking, okay,

I guess that's the end of this story then.

That's where this ends.

But then, one day, I just happened to be

In the neighborhood of her hospital.

(laughs)

Thought maybe I'd take a look inside,

Pop in, bump into her.

"oh, my god, gloria, you work here? That's so random."

So random, yeah.

So, I'm walking towards her department.

And I start to think in my head,

What would I say if I bumped in her?

Oh yeah, "hey, remember me from over 15 years ago?

Found an old picture of us, decided to track you down

Because you said let's keep in touch.

You said it, not me.

I just listened to what you said.

You're the weird one. I'm not weird. You're weird."

(laughs)

Uh, yeah, a little bit weird.

So, I turned around and I walked out that door,

But what I did instead was I've written a joke about it.

I'm going on national tv and sharing it to the world.

And if she contacts me,

That makes her the weird one, not me!

Yeah!

(applause)

That's how this guy uses technology for good.

Thank you so much. My name's joe vu.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

I was, I was interested in how many people,

When I first came out here,

Were wondering what is on my arm.

Because I do get a lot, a lot of--

I get a lot of nicotine patch.

"is that a, how much do you smoke? Oh my!"

But today, I got the all-time best inquiry from a man.

He got in the elevator with me and he looks at me and

Then he looks at my pump and he goes,

"is that a glade plugin?"

(laughs)

What is happening, medically, with my body,

That I am wearing a glade plugin 24/7?

I just looked at him-- like I-- first of all,

If I was wearing a glade, like,

I certainly wouldn't be wearing a strapless dress, right.

- (laughs) - oh my gosh.

All right, are you guys ready to get

On with the rest of the show?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

If you think technology sucks, you're doing it wrong.

Here's a comic who always does it right.

Please welcome, kathleen mcgee.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Well, uh, it's official. I caught anxiety.

I did it! I know, isn't that exciting?

Right? I did, I caught anxiety.

And a lot of people will say you can't catch anxiety.

Uh, but you can and I did.

I caught anxiety from technology.

So, it all started when I thought I had a panic attack.

And I'd never had one before in my life so

I didn't know what was going on.

And I asked a friend that had anxiety.

And she said, "what happened?"

Well, I told her that, uh, I was having trouble breathing.

My heart was racing, I was crying.

I was masturbating at the time.

(laughs)

I didn't tell her that part.

I didn't want her to think I was weird.

(laughs)

Social media gave me anxiety.

The worst form of technology.

Do you guys remember a few years ago when the

Hawaiian government tweeted at the hawaiian people,

"incoming missile. Aloha." right?

It was an accident, and they corrected it...

45 minutes later.

You can't tell people they're gonna die for

45 minutes and not expect all hell to break loose, right?

If I knew I was gonna die, I'd do something crazy.

I'd eat a whole tube of cookie dough.

(laughs)

Salmonella can't get me now, right.

A man told his wife that he'd been cheating on her

For 30 years with her best friend.

[audience] oh!

That man is dead now.

(laughs)

I have anxiety about the end of the world

Because I am not a survivor.

I don't want to survive.

I've seen those end of the world movies.

It's always the same thing.

Everyone that survives has to run.

(laughs)

I don't run for terry fox. I'm not running for zombies.

(laughs)

So, let's get back to my friend,

The one with anxiety that diagnosed me with anxiety.

She said a good way to get rid of it is to be active,

Lose a little weight, you know?

Thanks, friend, right, be active.

What do you mean active?

Like, get up to go to the fridge a few extra times

To get your snacks? Yeah, I don't know.

She said, "maybe you could just start walking places."

Walking? No, that doesn't work.

That doesn't make you lose weight 'cause when I walk,

I get hungry, then I get a pizza. It's science.

That's not gonna help me, okay.

She said, all you have to do is get 10,000 steps a day.

Oh, that's it. Just 10,000 steps a day.

How do I even know how many steps 10,000 is?

And that's when I was introduced to the magic of

The fitbit, the world's most bossy technology.

(laughs)

It's like an alcohol monitoring bracelet

But for fat people.

It tells on you. It's not cool.

The first time I ever had this fitbit,

I was like, I don't know how many 10,000 steps is.

So, let's take it for a big walk.

And I went from this giant walk.

And then when I got home, I looked and it said zero.

(laughs)

So rude, right?

But then I thought about it and I realized that

Jesus was carrying me that entire time.

(laughs)

That poem in my aunt's bathroom was right.

So now, I just stay at home and I let christ do my cardio.

(laughs)

I only wanted to lose weight though

For superficial reasons.

Like I don't care about my health.

I love recreational drugs too much, right?

I just wanted to be able to shop at any clothing store.

If you've never been over a size 10,

You have no idea. If I pooped my pants,

I have to find an old navy, okay.

They're never around when you need them.

And just once in my life, I wanted to be able to walk

Into one of those cool lady boutique stores,

And not have a little blonde girl bounce up to me and

Be all, "hi, are you here to buy a gift for someone?"

(laughs)

No, I'm here to try stuff on, rip it and leave.

(laughs)

Enjoy a full day of markdowns, you dumb whore.

(laughs)

Thank you, thank you.

I can call her a dumb whore, I'm a feminist.

So that's okay, that's okay.

So, I have this fitbit and it's supposed to be

This magical technology.

It's supposed to make you fit.

But I still got called fat...

By the only person that's allowed to call people

Fat anymore, my doctor.

If somebody called me fat online,

I would just come back and be like, I'm not fat,

I'm beautiful.

And two friends would like it and I'd be like, "see?"

Where's my modeling contract, right?

I tried that with my doctor.

I said, I'm not fat, I'm beautiful.

And she said, "well, you're gonna die, gorgeous."

(laughs)

Thank you, winnipeg. I'm kathleen mcgee.

Have a great night!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

If you've ever wondered about being bionic,

You are in fact bionic curious.

(laughs)

You're welcome.

Now, please give it up for craig fay.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Yes, hi, everybody. My name's craig fay.

Very excited to be here tonight.

This is so much more exciting than my old job

Where I worked in an office.

Do we have any office workers out here tonight?

[audience] (faint cheers)

Yeah, that's actually about the reaction I expected

From the office crowd.

But I will say this on behalf of all office workers

Everywhere, because I think it's about time that

It got said, uh, which is this.

Um, if you have ever made anybody...

Print out an email, sign it,

Scan it and send it back,

You are a garbage human being.

(laughs)

But they always justify it, right?

They always say like, "well, well we need your signature

'cause that's how we know that

You're the one that authorized it."

No, it's not.

You know what you need to know that I authorized it?

You know what you need?

Just an email from me going, "yup."

(laughs)

That's it, that's all you need.

Like, by all means, don't like redirect my paycheck

If you get an email from babyprincess69@yahoo.Com,

Don't do that.

But if you get an email from me, that's craigfay

@ the same damn company we both work at .Com.

I'm pretty sure you can release 47.80 in gas money.

(laughs)

But no, no, that's not enough.

That's not secure enough for them, not,

Not the entire encryption of the internet and a ten-digit

Password you make me change every four months.

No, that's not enough for you.

No, you need a little squiggle on a piece of paper

That hasn't changed since I was 12 because apparently,

The finance department is staffed entirely by

Forensic handwriting analysts...

Sitting there with a magnifying glass,

Comparing my signature to all the other examples of

Cursive writing they have on file for me,

Which can only be a grade four notebook titled,

"learn how to cursive right by kerrick foy."

They're sitting there being like,

"oh, I see the way he loops the c and dots the I

Matches the way that he misspelled his own name."

(laughs)

"release the funds!"

And here's the thing, we don't need signatures anymore.

Here's how little signatures matter.

For the last two months at my old job,

I signed all my expense reports, tim horton's.

(laughs)

Yeah, and not even in my own handwriting either.

Exactly how you see it on the cup,

Like up and to the right.

It looked like I had traced it off of a large double-double.

(laughs)

Nobody noticed. One, one person noticed,

And they came to me and they're like, "craig,

Did you do this?

I think we might have to talk about your attitude problem."

I was like, "well, it was sent from my business email.

But as we've previously established

That could have been anybody."

(laughs)

"and I think if you'll check the signature,

You'll find that the employee with the

Real attitude is a mr. Timothy bits."

(laughs continue)

The craziest part of my old job though, was I...

I still had a desk phone, I still had a landline.

And, it was one of those phones where,

Before you started dialing the number,

You had to hit nine to get a line out...

And listen, I think we can all agree that at this point

In history, a landline's main competition is a cell phone.

(laughs)

And your cell phone can do anything.

It's your gps, I's a calculator. It's a camera.

You can type pure gibberish into your phone.

And it still knows exactly what you're trying to do.

(laughs)

But my landline has one job to do,

And I have to hit a button to remind it to be a phone.

(laughs)

It's sitting there being like,

"whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down!

What are we dialing all of a sudden?

Numbers? Give me an example."

(laughs)

Every time I dialed that phone,

It reminded me of having to ask to go to the bathroom

In elementary school. You remember that?

Where you're like, "excuse me,

Can I make a phone call?"

"I don't know. Can you?"

"may I make a phone call?"

"what's the magic word?"

"may I please make a phone call?"

"that's not the magic word."

"may I nine make a phone call?"

Guys, you've been fantastic.

Thank you very much, enjoy the rest of your night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Did you know when lasers were first invented in 1960,

Scientists had no idea what to use them for?

I guess none of them owned cats.

(laughs)

For a comic who's laser focused on laughs,

Please welcome andrea jin.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hi. Hi, everyone.

I, one of my girlfriends,

She is texting this guy right now.

Uh, very fun, right.

But he's not very into her.

He, he's not very responsive.

He's replying to her like every 12 days or so. Right?

So she decided to deal with this problem by doing this.

She texted him the following.

She texted him, "hey, what are you doing?

Why aren't you replying? Why don't you like me?"

Yeah, all of those things.

I got really mad at her, I was like,

"what do you-- come on.

That's not how you deal with a situation like that.

You don't text the guy those things." right?

If you really want to know, you drive to his house and

You look in the window.

(laughs)

I, uh, everyone has a social media account now.

Yeah, everyone has one. There's no regulation.

You know, anyone can just do it.

Before, like back in the day,

You had no idea what, how anyone is doing

Unless they were right here in front of you.

Like I, when I was a kid, I would just have thoughts

Like, oh, huh. I wonder how my uncle's doing?

I wonder why I haven't seen him in a while.

Maybe he's dead, oh, my god.

(laughs)

That would be awful.

You know those thoughts, right?

And but now, with social media,

It's like, oh, I wish my uncle was dead.

(laughs)

Stop posting memes about how much you hate your wife and

You love guitars...

And motorcycles.

Yeah. But, uh,

I am happy about the advancements in medicine.

And, because my grandma, she has heart disease,

But all she has to do is like,

Take a few pills every day.

And then she could like go running, swimming,

Dancing, like all the things she hates doing, right.

But she, my grandma, she's very like traditional.

She, she doesn't like, she believes in like

Traditional chinese, like holistic medicine, right?

Like just like natural stuff.

So, she doesn't like pharmaceuticals very much.

Like she's always like, "oh, these white doctors,

They're trying to kill me." right.

And I'm like, "can you please stop saying that

In front of our white doctor?"

(laughs)

So, it's very frustrating 'cause she, she's very stubborn.

So one, uh, one day we were walking around the park,

And she says to me, "hey, um, we have to go home."

And I was like, "why?" and she was like,

"oh, I can't feel my left arm. We have to go."

And I was like, "okay, we have to go to,

Like, let's go to the hospital. Let's go, hurry."

And she's like, "no, no, no, no.

That's what they want you to do."

(laughs)

I'm like, "who's they, is it me?

'cause, yes, I want you to go."

And she's like, "no, no, no, no, no.

Just get me home.

I just need to eat a green onion while facing north.

It's fine."

(laughs)

Um, she cooks for me.

She likes to cook and, I have a lot of

Food allergies, like I'm allergic to pine nuts.

And so she puts it in all of my food, yeah.

She thinks I'm just not eating it enough.

You know, she thinks like, yeah, that's her logic.

She's like, you just need to eat it more.

You just need to fight it with your body.

You know, you just need to, you know,

Like be more alpha than the pine nuts, right.

(laughs)

So, she puts it in all of my food and I tell her,

I'm like, "hey grandma, can you stop putting

Pine nuts in my food, please?"

And so she like, "oh, okay, yeah, sure."

And then she started to grind up the pine nuts,

To put into my food, yeah.

And one day I was eating, I was like,

"hey grandma, did you put pine nuts in this?"

And she was like, "yeah, but I grinded it up.

How did you know?" and I was like,

"oh, I can't breathe. That's how I know.

Please call an ambulance."

And she's like, "no, no, no, no, no.

It's fine. I have a compass right here.

It's okay."

All right, thank you so much.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

What is it with technology that drones exist and

Can deliver a package right to your door,

But the order still gets screwed up?

Sex toys. Order them in person, people, not online.

Now for a comic who always delivers,

Please welcome david pryde!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Thank you very much. Thank you.

You know, I think, whoever it was who first said,

"the best things in life are free,"

Probably never owned a hotmail account.

Yeah, it's...

It's not one of the best things, right?

It's uh, just the sheer amount of spam alone

That I get in my hotmail.

Like every day, I always get these two messages

In my junk mail every day.

I get ah, every day I get, "get rid of debt immediately"

And, "I want to eat your butt."

(laughs)

Yeah, I know.

And they always show up together, like, I, I don't...

I don't know who's sending them.

I hope it's not the same person...

'cause I don't need to get rid of my debt that badly.

(laughs)

But uh, that's my hot-- but I,

I honestly liked my hotmail.

Clap your hands if you still have a hotmail account?

- (applause) - we got-- see?

Yes, you got to admire it.

I've literally had mine since the turn of the century.

Like, literally.

And you got to respect that longevity, right?

Like, in this age when technology's designed to

Become obsolete really fast, isn't it nice we have something

Like hotmail that lasts?

Like it's, it outlasted blackberry.

It outlasted cd roms.

You know, it outlasted steve jobs.

(laughs)

Oh yeah, yeah.

No, hotmail buried steve jobs.

Make no mistake.

I know, where's the hotmail movie?

But, uh, no, it's, uh, it's amazing because it was also,

It came on when email was a brand-new thing.

And when email was new, it was just any message

Was exciting to get, including the spam.

Like just, I remember the first time I got offered

A penis enlargement and it's like,

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Like, how do they know?

It just seemed very thoughtful, yeah.

'cause this was before we knew about things like

Bots and algorithms. So, I was, I was naive.

I literally thought there was this like a team of

Penis enlargement sales representatives,

Just, just out there physically hitting send and just

Shooting out these, these generous offers everywhere.

Just, I imagine, I imagined a sales team all getting

Ready in in the morning, just getting themselves

Psyched up for a day of work.

Just like, "remember, people,

You're not selling inches, you're selling dreams!"

(laughs)

"now go out there and make some inches come true."

Yeah, but, yeah...

But now email is kind of passé.

Like now, it started when, when social media arrived.

Remember when social media first hit?

Remember what the first big platform was?

Was myspace, hm?

How many of you have a myspace?

(laughs)

Yeah, that's right.

Even the hotmail people are like, don't insult me.

(laughs)

But yeah. The last...

Social media...

Account that I opened was on twitter.

I don't really like twitter much.

I just, it seems like it's just a,

An outrage machine at this point.

It seems like its basic purpose is to get racists fired and...

Yeah, I think, you know how it goes,

Like someone tweets something racist and then it spreads,

And people get mad, and that person gets fired.

Which sounds good on the surface,

Until you consider, you know

What the most dangerous kind of racist is?

An unemployed racist.

(laughs)

Like, think about it. You don't want these people

To have a lot of free time on their hands, right.

You want them working a 50, 60-hour work week

At an exhausting job, so that after they're too tired

To get up to racist shenanigans.

(laughs)

But I guess now you have to say the,

The most popular type of communication are texts.

And what's interesting about texts is how people...

They don't just text words and messages.

A lot of people like to text images,

Which has sort of given us an interesting progression.

'cause when you think of it, we started out with people

Getting emailed offers for penis enlargements.

And now we have a lot of men out there

Who are texting the results.

- Ah, yes, ah... - (laughs)

That seems to be what they want to do.

And, I have to confess, I don't really understand

The whole, the whole dick pic generation.

Like, uh, I don't mean to offend if we have

Dick pic-ers in the room. I don't, uh...

I mean, who am I to judge?

Maybe some of you like to really put the peg in winnipeg.

I don't know, but...

(laughs & applause)

Thank you, yeah. That's uh, thank you.

That was just for you. That was...

But, yeah, no, I, I just, it just seems weird to me,

The idea that you take your phone and you take a bunch

Of pictures of your junk and then you dispense them

As tokens of goodwill...

Throughout the community.

It just seems counter-intuitive to me.

I was, I was raised to believe you don't advertise that, right?

I did not want to give women a sneak preview

Of what I was packing.

You know, my penis needs the element of surprise.

Honestly, yeah, on its own, it is not a deal closer.

(laughs)

No.

Really, from, from that perspective,

You've got to admire the confidence of

Your average dick pic-er.

Like they must, they must believe what they're packing

Is so visually impressive that it compensates for

Their other obvious quality of being a creepy douchebag

That sends around pictures of their...

- (applause) - balances out.

I think so, yeah. No, so, I...

I don't do it, I, I don't do--

I wouldn't know the proper etiquette anyway.

I don't know, I don't know what angle you're supposed

To take the picture from. Like, I don't know.

Is it like a firing squad?

Do you stare straight down the barrel or...?

No?

Lengthwise from above like you're whale watching.

(laughs)

I don't know.

I don't even know if you have to be erect.

Do you have to be fully erect?

Or is it like a passport photo,

Like don't look happy.

(laughs)

Okay, got it. Got the shot, yeah.

Tomorrow you'll be all the rage on hotmail, yeah.

All right, guys, you've been a lot of fun.

Thank you so much. Goodnight.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

That's it for our tech show.

I hope tonight's been an enjoyable distraction

From the inevitable robot takeover.

Good night!

♪ (cheering & applause continues) ♪

♪