Original subtitles

♪ ♪

The winnipeg comedy festival presents, "animals"!

Here's your host, sterling scott!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Welcome, tonight!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Tonight's theme is animals, and appropriately,

They got one hell of a sexy beast.

(laughs)

Hey, my eyes are up here, alright?

(laughs)

When I think about animals,

I think about how humans domesticated them, right?

I used to own pets.

I had a dog, started out like a lot of you.

Then I got another dog, then four canaries,

Two lovebirds, cockatiel, a budgie,

Another canary, then...

An albino python.

A chameleon, two piranhas...

And an asian water monitor, and then a gerbil.

(laughs)

Which then we fed to the asian water monitor.

(laughs)

And I could tell you right now,

If you got a lot of pets, your house stinks.

I don't-- no, a lot of people right now are like,

"not my house." especially your house.

In the summertime, it smelt like satan was cooking curry.

It was bad in my house!

I hated it. I don't ever want to own pets again.

I know pet owners right now are like,

"what? I love my pets."

Some pets, I think, are inhumane to own.

Right, like, my aunt owns a bird.

You know what kind of sadist you have to be to own a bird?

What does a bird do?

It flies, gracefully, through the air.

Soaring in the skies, and you saw that and you were like,

"yeah, take it and put it in a cage

Where it can't spread its wings 'cause mama likes to

Look at things in the afternoon."

(laughs)

Puts it in a cage!

And what, and the bird is tropical,

It's a tropical bird. It's a macaw from the caribbean.

Right, it's used to forests, and heat, and rivers.

And now it's in a one-bedroom apartment

In alberta in November.

(laughs)

And then, it likes to sing.

All birds, they like to sing.

And you know what she does, you see bird owners do this,

She just takes a blanket and throws it over the cage.

I'm like, "why do you do that for?"

She's like, "it'll shut him up. He thinks it's night time."

What?! Now you got this poor bird, in a cage!

I said, "well, at least open the cage,

Let him fly around the house."

She's like, "he can't fly. I clipped his wings."

- What?! - (laughs)

"why did you clip his wings?"

She's like, "so he can't get away."

That's not love. At the most,

You're re-enacting a scene out of the book misery,

Like, that's what you're doing.

(laughs)

And I know some of you guys are like,

"well, yeah, that's terrible, that's terrible, that's a bird.

Well, I have dogs. I'm good.

I'm a dog owner. My dog loves me."

Let's take a look at that, alright.

Dogs used to be wolves that used to roam, right.

They used to take down elk and eat it,

And then howl at the moon, "ar-ar-aroo!"

And then you took that and for 400 years

You kept it in a one-bedroom apartment...

And now it's a cockapoo.

And you think you're a good person for that?

It can't go back out into the wild.

You can't do that.

Google cockapoo, and google wolf.

Be proud of yourself.

'cause, the wolves are gonna laugh at him.

They're gonna look at him and be like,

"what the hell happened to you, bro?"

He'll be like, "I don't know, man, this is weird."

"I don't know, I get the shivers now.

I need a jacket. This is weird.

I need a jacket. I have a hat, I have boots."

They're like, "why do you have boots?

You're an animal!"

He's like, "I don't know, man.

But she really likes it for christmas photos,

Like, I don't know."

(laughs)

Like, the wolf is like, "I'm gonna eat you.

It's not personal, bro.

I'm gonna eat you just because this is terrible.

You can't live like this."

You ever, some pets don't like their owners.

You ever go to somebody's house,

And when they open the door, the dog runs out the house

And tries to kill itself?

We've all been to that house.

"don't open, don't open the door!

He's not, he's not an outdoor dog!"

No, that's a stupid thing to say.

All dogs are outdoor dogs. Your house is a prison.

That's a shawshank dog.

(laughs & applause)

You guys are an amazing crowd.

Are you ready to get this show started?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(cheering & applause)

Did you know that cats sleep up to 16 to 20 hours a day?

Just like any good comic.

Say hello to the very funny, matt falk!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Ha-ha-ha. Thank you very much.

The best joke in the entire world is the owl joke.

I didn't write it. Have you heard the owl joke?

No? Oh, you're in for a treat, check it out.

So, you go up to someone and you say,

"someone said you sound like an owl."

And then they say, "who?"

(laughs)

If you're not laughing at that,

You are dead inside, you understand me?

That is the funniest thing you're gonna hear from me today.

(laughs)

And I'm an idiot. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

Like, I'm pretty sure I flapped a little bit,

I was like, "whooo?"

Soon as it happened, all this pride swelled up.

I'm like, I gotta get somebody else

With this joke, like my wife.

So, I assembled all the guys that did it to me and

I'm like, let's go get her!

We're legally an angry mob at this point.

We got pitchforks and torches.

I went up to her, I did the thing.

She asked me every question except for, "who?"

I have no idea how she did it, I was so excited.

I was like, "sweetheart." (chuckles)

"someone said you sound like an owl."

She's like, "what?"

(laughs)

"no, it's true. Yeah, it's true.

Someone said you sound like an owl."

She's like, "when?"

(laughs)

"like a, like a minute ago. It doesn't matter. Listen...

Someone, someone said that you sound like an owl."

She's like, "what's their name?"

(laughs)

(sighs)

"that is a good question.

Could you rephrase it?"

She's like, "the person that said that to you,

What is that person's name?"

I lost it. I was like,

"you're supposed to say who! Who, who, who, who, who!"

She's like, "now who sounds like an owl?"

I'm like, "come on!"

(laughs & applause)

Woo!

(applause)

The worst part is, I love owls.

I love all birds. I'm a birder.

I'm really into birding.

Maybe you're not bird people.

Maybe you're horse people, ha?

[audience] woohoo!

Well, I was thrown from a horse, okay,

So forgive me for not sharing your enthusiasm.

(laughs)

So, I was cast in a western themed tv show pilot.

Now, the producers wanted me to ride in on a miniature

Horse 'cause they figure full grown man on

A mini horse, that's comedy gold.

Now, I've ridden a few times,

But I'm not what you would call...

Good at it.

But that does not stop my brain from thinking

That I am good at it.

Plus, I'm a prairie kid, I wanted to represent,

So I'm like, "yeah, I know how to ride, yippee kayeah!

Let's do this!"

So, they bring out this horse and I get on,

And the producer's like, "alright, make the horse go."

So, I'm like, "horse... Activate."

(laughs)

The producer thinks I'm joking, he's like,

"hey. (tongue clicks)"

And I'm like, "hey. (tongue clicks)"

And apparently...

That's the sound...

(laughs continue)

That you need to make...

So, we're trotting and, I think the horse is just

As excited to be on a tv show 'cause it,

Right away, goes into like a full gallop, okay?

Now, my brain's still very confident that

It knows what it's doing.

My body's starting to freak out a little bit,

So I got the arms going.

I got the face going, I got the theme song to

The lone ranger rushing through my mind.

♪ (singing theme) ba-da-bum... ♪

About halfway through the theme song,

For a reason I still don't understand,

The saddle started to shift.

- (laughs) - to one side.

So now, I'm hanging off the side of

A galloping miniature horse.

Looks like I'm doing a move from cirque de soleil.

People watching going, "man, those prairie kids

Really do know how to ride".

(laughs)

Now, don't let it fool you.

Just 'cause the horse is miniature,

Those hooves can still kill a man.

Plus, the shorter the horse, the closer your face is...

To said hooves.

So, my brain noticed that I was like a foot away and

It kicked into action, came back to reality.

It was like, alright, I admit, we got a problem!

We should do something.

I'm like, that's good, brain. What should we do?

And my brain's like, we should bail!

I'm like, but then we would get trampled.

My brain's like, well,

Maybe just your legs would get trampled.

I'm like, you gotta think for the whole body, brain.

So, I had a better plan.

I was going to pull myself up using my calf muscles.

(laughs)

As it turns out, I do not have calf muscles.

(laughs)

I have calves covered in fat and,

When you attempt to pull yourself up using your calf fat,

You tickle the horse.

(laughs)

Now, when a horse is tickled it does not go,

"hee-hee-hee hoo-hoo-hoo. Whoops, I pee'd!"

No, it does this-- boof!

With its 350-pound rear end.

And you go flying about six and a half feet through midair.

Have you ever watched the olympics,

You wonder how the skiers twist in the air?

I know now!

I twisted, I landed on my back,

And my back made this sound "crunch".

- (laughs) - yeah...

And then, my wife ran up to me.

She was terrified, she's already afraid of horses...

Doesn't trust the way they sleep standing up,

Thinks it's creepy. I agree.

(laughs)

I didn't want to scar her for life so I figured,

Well, I should just laugh this off.

But when you've been thrown from a "horse"...

(laughs)

All the air in your body...

Leaves your body.

And as we know, a laugh is about 80% air.

So, the laugh didn't sound as reassuring

As I wanted it to sound.

I was going for kind of like a, (laughs)

"oh boy, horse, me, horse, me, bound to happen."

(laughs)

Don't be afraid. It didn't sound like that.

I sounded like gandalf...

Yelling at a hobbit. I was like...

(groaning tone) "hey-ar-ar-ar-ar!"

"horse, me, horse, me. Afraid!"

Not very comforting. Thank you very much.

My name is matt falk. I love you and goodbye.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

True, the early bird gets the worm,

But no one talks about how for an hour or two,

It waits outside for the worm store to open.

Please welcome the very prompt, larke miller!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

So, I got a part in a movie.

[audience] woo! [larke] thank you.

I'm really excited about it. I'm working with an actress.

You guys probably know her. She's pretty famous.

Her name is crystal the monkey.

Ah, she was the monkey in the hangover ii,

The chain smoking, drug dealing monkey.

Yes, I feel a kinship with her because when she

Started her career, she was typecast right away.

She just played the stereotypical monkey roles,

Like monkey in a jungle or a monkey in a laboratory.

Then she got that part in the hangover ii where

She was playing that gritty, chain smoking drug dealer.

The film that we're in, she's flying an airplane.

For a little while, she had a sitcom on nbc

Where she played a doctor.

And um, it's pretty amazing, but there's one thing that

Bothers me about this whole thing,

Is every movie they put her in,

They always have her play a male monkey...

'cause somehow, it's just too unbelievable that

A female monkey be able to fly an airplane.

(laughs)

Like, it's gonna be another 50 years before

A female monkey is seeing patients.

It's not just crystal, it's every monkey

You see in film and television.

They're all female monkeys.

I found out that it's because male monkeys

Are too sexually aggressive to be actors.

(laughs)

(cheering & applause)

Yeah, too sexually aggressive to be actors,

So they have to stick to directing and producing.

(laughs)

(cheering & applause)

So, they say that the lion is the king of the jungle.

Um, I like to believe it's the elephant.

They're my favorite.

Um, unfortunately, their population is dwindling.

Um, they have a matriarchal society,

Which means that, um, the male elephants are loners

And the females travel in packs of other women,

Up to 50 other female elephants,

Which you're never gonna get a guy to approach you,

If you're traveling with 50 other women.

And those women include your mother,

Your grandmother, your aunts, and your sisters.

So, they said they're gonna start artificially

Inseminating the elephants,

Which I don't think is such a good idea.

Like, we've seen how dependent ducks

Have become on humans.

And all we do for them is give them stale bread.

Like, what is gonna happen when we start

Giving elephants happy endings?

(laughs)

I'm a cat person.

Um, when I see a woman with a whole bunch of children,

Like I don't have this urge to have some of my own,

But like when I see a cat with a litter of kittens,

I'm like, I could do that.

(laughs)

I just need six more nipples.

(laughs)

I tried to adopt a cat.

I went to a cat adoption agency.

Um, it's become so much more complicated to adopt a cat.

I had to fill out a ton of forms.

And then they called me in for a sit-down interview

With a cat adoption agent.

Um, her first question to me was,

"why have you chosen to adopt a cat?"

I was like, "because I'm unable to conceive one biologically."

(laughs)

(cheering & applause)

They denied me the cat.

(laughs)

I do have an aquarium.

Um, I recently lost one of my fish.

Um, I don't know where he went.

I've been looking for him everywhere.

I've got the posters up all over the place.

I've got them up all over the castle

And the treasure chest...

And that seashell that opens and closes.

(laughs)

I, uh, I was watching this documentary on,

Um, evolution...

And, they say that the honey bees have been evolving

For over 100 million years.

Uh, the worker bees, who are all female,

Have evolved to have little pockets on their back legs,

Which they hold the pollen that they take back to the hive.

Um, the male honey bees only have one job.

And that is to mate with the queen bee once,

And then their penis falls off and they die.

(laughs)

Which I don't really feel is the greatest case for evolution.

(laughs)

They probably get way too excited around the queen bee.

I know she smells like honey,

But pretend she's a wasp.

(laughs)

A friend told me that he has a fantasy about me and him.

Uh, that we're the last two people left on earth...

Because that way, I would have to have sex with him.

(laughs)

I was thinking if there's been an apocalypse,

Which could happen, and we're like

The last two beings left on earth,

I don't have to sleep with him.

I'm gonna have to eat him.

(laughs)

Thank you, I'm larke miller.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

This comic says he can't swing a dead cat at work

Without getting an animal rights complaint.

Please welcome, ted morris!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello, ah!

Hello, sexy people of winnipeg.

[audience] woo! [ted] yeah, nice.

Hello, everyone else, ah--

(laughs)

This has been, this is a big year for me.

I quit my day job at the beginning of the year

To do stand-up full time.

I used to be a small animal vet.

Yeah, I just like murdered, murdered cats for a living.

That is, that is essentially what that job is.

It's just a, just a lot of cat murder...

Which is a large part of the reason why I quit.

And friends of mine are like,

"oh, well you must get used to it?"

What? No! I'm not a psychopath.

No, you never get used to it. It's sad.

Every time, it's sad.

Well, maybe not the first time.

The first time you're like, woo, what a rush.

But every time after that.

(laughs)

It's just sad. Oh, it was rough.

I just got tired of smelling like disinfectant and cat pee...

Because that is part of the job.

'cause here's how it would play out.

I would, I would murder your cat.

I would do a beautiful job. People loved it.

They requested me. It was a wonderful moment.

And then I would wrap your diseased cat up in a towel

And just stand there holding them.

Essentially, trying to get out of the room.

Like I'm trying to give people what they need and be

Empathetic and, you know, make sure that this is as

Positive of an experience as it can be for them.

But the whole time I'm like, I'm really busy.

I, I got a day full of appointments.

I got stuff to do.

I've got another cat to murder in the room next door.

Like I, I have places to go.

So, as I'm standing there, you know,

Trying to be a nice, compassionate human being,

Your dead cat, just slowly pees,

Dead cat pee all over me, every single time.

'cause I don't know if you know this,

The only thing that holds your pee in...

Is your soul.

(laughs)

Yeah, once it's gone, everything just goes flying.

(laughs)

I also started playing games.

I would play like little games to pass the time.

One of my favorites was, let's see how many times

I can use the word bitch...

Before it gets really awkward in here. Let's see.

It's like the one place you're allowed to use it.

Lady dog is a bitch. Lady, lady cat is a queen.

So, it'd be like, "how's your bitch doing?

Let's get your bitch up here. Oh, your bitch looks sick.

What has your bitch been eating?

Has your bitch lost weight?"

Just see how many times I could squeeze it in.

(laughs)

It's a fun little game.

This is the one good thing, this is the nice thing about

Kind of getting out of the biz.

I can finally answer the question that I was never...

I could never answer it for like political correctness issues.

For some reason, my clients loved to ask me like

"what do you like better? Cats or dogs?

What do you like?"

And I'd always have to be like,

"oh, no, you love them both, they're all great,

They're amazing. Who doesn't love them?"

That's a lie. That is 100% a lie.

Ah, the answer is dogs. It is dogs.

Cats, cats never stood a chance.

Sorry, cats, sorry sad cat people covered in

Cat hair and loneliness.

Your cats, your cats are second rate.

Did you know that dogs have such a good sense of smell

That some of them can, can detect cancer in people?

Like, isn't that amazing?

Like, if some dog one day was just like

Nosing his owner's breast.

And she's like, "what are you doing?" he's like,

"what's up with that? What's up with that?"

And like, she went to the doctor and they're like,

Oh, you've got breast cancer."

She's like, "the dog is amazing."

They're not that good at picking out

Testicular cancer 'cause they are...

Always up there.

So, don't, don't trust that at all.

But, did you know that cats

Have a better sense of smell than dogs do?

Which means that cats can totally detect your cancer.

They just can't be bothered to tell you about it.

They don't care. They don't care.

They're like, "if she dies, I'll just eat her face.

It'll be fine, it'll fine." stupid cats.

So, it should come as no surprise to you that...

I don't have a cat. I, I have a dog.

And then in, in a wonderful moment of irony,

I got a dog who acts like a cat.

I got a rescue dog. Has anyone got a rescue dog?

(cheers & claps)

No, I reject it. I reject this rescue dog.

I adopted this adult, and she does not like me.

She does not care for me one little bit.

Ah, I've had her for a couple of months and

She just lies in her bed.

I essentially have a new roommate

Whose crap I literally have to pick up.

It's garbage. And I tried to figure out why...

Like, what's the problem? Why can't we connect?

And I think I figured it out. She's from mexico, right?

So, there's a language barrier.

I don't speak spanish so, I'm like,

Well, I could learn spanish maybe.

See if I can...

Connect with this dog, but I'm like,

That sounds like, that sounds like an

Awful lot of work to connect with this dog.

So, instead, I just taught her new commands...

So that no one else can operate her.

Has anyone done this?

Instead of asking her if she wants to go for a walk.

We ask her if she wants to go fight crime.

"want to go fight crimes?"

Like, "yeah, I want to fight crime!" it's so good.

It's, it's hilarious.

Squirrels and cats are nazis.

She hates nazis. She's a good little girl.

She hates them.

And instead of teaching her the command, "come"

Like, "come here," we settled on, "who's your daddy?"

(laughs)

These are adorable things.

These are adorable, adorable things.

Until she got away from us in the park for the first time.

And then we just looked psychotic.

"we're just like, lupe, lupe!

Stop chasing those nazis! Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?"

Thank you very much, winnipeg.

I've been ted morris. Good night!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Please welcome the cat's meow,

It's, leonard chan!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

So, yeah, when I was a kid, I always wanted a cat,

But my parents not so much.

But they believe in giving kids choices so,

They said I could have as many cats as I want,

But for every cat I bring into the house,

They would get rid of one kid.

I'm an only child.

(laughs)

So, it was a tough choice.

I never got that cat but I'm an adult now.

I can have as many cats as I want.

So, I have 13 cats.

It's not a joke, it's a cry for help.

(laughs)

Yeah, I'm serious, I have 13 cats.

Yeah, this is usually the part where people stop laughing.

Yeah. (leonard laughs)

Look, it's not because I'm crazy.

It's because my wife is crazy.

I married a crazy cat lady,

Which is a very gender specific term.

Right, cat lady? There's no cat man, right?

Cat man sounds like a dude who's really into smooth jazz.

(laughs)

But yeah, 13 cats. Just living the dream.

But uh, I always wanted a cat.

I never wanted a dog, you know,

Because cats are better than dogs.

(cheering)

Cat people, very smart. Dog people, woof.

- Ah... - (laughs)

The reason we have so many cats is that my wife likes,

She rescues them. That's her thing, all right.

She traps them, she neuters them.

I was the first.

(laughs)

(applause)

This is the only reason I think it'd be a good idea

To get a dog, right.

Because dogs are really good at retrieving balls.

(laughs continue)

But no, I love cats. I think cats are great.

I love cats because they're so chill. Right?

Humans are not chill like at all.

There's just so much xenophobia going on right now.

You know, like, people are screaming like,

"oh, these immigrants are stealing our jobs!"

Which, okay, first of all, if an immigrant crawls

Across the desert, climbs over a wall,

Hikes to the middle of america and the first thing

They do is steal your job, you suck at your job, okay.

But, there's just so much xenophobia.

And I think the antidote to that is traveling.

You know, like, go see other cultures,

Have other cultures see you. I like to travel 'cause

I like to expose myself to other people.

Okay, that's a terrible sound bite.

(laughs)

But you get the picture, right?

Like, my wife and I, we recently went to peru.

And we came back with another cat.

Always bring something back with us.

Came back with another cat.

And, so we were in this park in lima,

And this cat jumped into my lap.

My wife was like, "oh my god, we gotta rescue this cat."

I was like, "we're on vacation.

We don't have to collect them all.

They're not pokémon."

(laughs)

And my wife was like, "no, no, no,

This cat jumped in your lap. It chose you. It's destiny."

I was like, "no, this cat chose me

The same way strippers choose me."

(laughs)

That was also destiny.

(laughs)

(applause)

(leonard laughs)

So, I tell my parents we're gonna adopt this cat and

They are furious, right? Because like, to them,

Every time we get another cat, it's like a

Lower percentage chance they're gonna get grandkids.

Right, and they want grandkids bad.

I was like, "why do you guys want grandkids that bad?

Think if I don't have kids the chan name will die out?"

"I think we'll be fine."

(laughs)

My dad was like, "no, no, no, like,

How can you let your wife do this?

You have to put your foot down."

I was like, "let her? She's a white woman.

She does what she wants!"

If I put my foot down, I'm gonna lose my foot.

(laughs)

They're so mad.

So, my parents don't want us to rescue this cat.

My wife wants us to rescue this cat.

I only see one of these two parties naked again so,

We're rescuing a cat, okay.

It's basically a tit for cat kind of situation.

(laughs)

(applause)

But, we named him churro, by the way,

Which is a lovely name.

It's a peruvian slang for handsome boy,

Which he is.

We brought him back to canada and here's

The crazy twist of the story.

My parents adopted the cat.

(laughs)

I know! I couldn't figure it out.

Like the best I can figure is that they've given up

On the idea of having grandkids,

And they're willing to settle for a grand cat, like that's...

(laughs)

And now churro lives with them.

He sleeps on their couch 18 hours a day.

He has no job. He eats, poops and sleeps.

That's all he does. Classic underachiever.

And my parents love him.

And I was like, where the hell was this lax attitude

Towards work ethic when I was a kid?

(laughs)

Like I mentioned at the beginning of the show,

I'm an only child.

For the first time in my life,

I am experiencing sibling rivalry...

With a cat, and I am losing.

My mom compares me to churro all the time.

She's like, "oh my god, churro's just like you

When you were a kid except churro's better.

Churro actually listens to us."

I'm like, what? I was like,

"churro doesn't understand a word you're saying.

He doesn't speak mandarin. He's a cat."

My mom's like, "well, you don't speak mandarin

And you're chinese." I'm like, "argh!"

(laughs)

I was like, "well, look. Churro, is never gonna

Get to med school, alright.

He doesn't have the grades, alright.

Churro's never gonna become a doctor."

And my mom looks me right in the eye and she's like,

"well, at least he's never gonna become a comedian."

(laughs)

Yeah, so now churro's in the will. I'm out.

My parents have a new son. And I'm like, "ah,

These immigrants keep stealing our jobs"!

Alright, you guys have been fantastic!

Thank you, guys, so much!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Animals in the country are way different

Than animals in the city.

Animals in the country are out playing in the fields,

Running free.

Animals in the city are like,

"I've seen some stuff."

(laughs)

"I did my time in the pound."

Here to share her tales of animals in the city

Is the very funny, amy bugg!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Oh, hey, what's up?

Hey, so, like a lot of you guys,

I recently spent a lot of alone time with myself.

Yeah, and here's the thing about that.

Uh, I was weird before.

(laughs)

Yeah, now I'm just really, really weird.

Yeah, use a lot of that extra time to write

An entire list of animals who have crossed me.

(laughs)

Yeah, so we're just gonna roll right through all those guys.

Okay, number one.

- Bats. - (laughs)

You know.

Specifically, the bat that harassed me in the workplace.

Okay, it flew in, and-- to my office,

And landed directly onto my back.

I was like, whoa, am I just the queen of darkness now?

(laughs)

And it was during the middle of the day too.

So, that's how I know he was super into me.

Eh, he's willing to mix up his schedule.

(laughs)

Okay, number two, skunks.

Yeah, you guys know skunks, right?

The original squirters.

(laughs)

Okay, I don't like skunks 'cause they live in

My backyard and one of them sprayed my dog.

So, I had to bathe him in tomato juice.

Which, by the way, totally useless.

Okay, that was just invented by big tomato.

(laughs)

Okay, I spent 50 bucks and all my dog does is

Smell like ketchup that made out with my cousin's weed.

(laughs)

All right, but like, I'm a vengeful person.

I'm gonna get that skunk back.

Yeah, so I filled my super soaker up with old milk.

And now I just sit on my porch just waiting to squirt him back.

I'm gonna shoot him right between the legs too,

So he knows exactly what's going on.

(laughs)

Yeah, all right. Up next on my list,

Also lives in my backyard, possums.

You guys know possums, right?

They look like rats if they were a ghost.

(laughs)

Okay, the only thing I even respect about possums

Is that they play dead.

'cause that's a strategy like I can really get behind.

Next time I'm at a party and someone tries to

Talk to me about the economy...

(laughs)

Yeah, I'm just lying face down on the floor.

(laughs)

I don't want to hear it.

All right, you know what else that bothers me.

You know what animal? Wombats.

Yeah, 'cause yuck, australians.

(laughs)

Okay, the reason I don't like wombats is because of

The way they poo, is very unsettling.

Do you guys know this? Wombat's poo cubes.

Yeah, true. They poo little cube shapes.

Like right now, they're out there in the outback

Just being like, "oh, a cup of tea for the lady".

(laughs)

Can you imagine like just taking a poopy and then

Turning around and then realizing you built a wall?

(laughs)

You could box yourself in.

(laughs)

Okay, the final animal on my list, dogs named zeus.

Yeah, because statistically, they pee on me.

(laughs)

Yeah, this particular dog made some assumptions

About my stoic nature and rectangular body shape.

And, mistook me for a tree.

(laughs)

Yeah, and it must have been a tree on fire

'cause it was a lot of piss.

(laughs)

But don't worry, I'm going to get him back just like

I'm going to get that skunk back.

This time I'm going to take my super soaker and

Fill it up with, not milk...

- My own piss. - (laughs)

Yeah, and then turn that dog into a golden retriever.

(laughs)

All right, that's it for me, guys, thank you.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

When this comic does his dog material,

He gets many positive yelps on his views.

It's charlie demers!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello!

Hello! Thank you, thank you.

This is a job where we travel a lot,

And I like to bring my family with me when we can do it.

But it's not always a great idea.

Last year, in the winter time,

I was traveling with my family.

We were in rural british columbia and it was...

It was dark and it was rainy,

And there were no streetlights.

And, what I'm, what I'm trying to set up here is,

Is that I...

I'm not proud of this, but I hit a raccoon.

Um, yeah.

In my defense, it was staring at my wife's breasts.

(laughs)

Uh, see, even that is like a nervous joke because

I feel still so guilty about this.

This is just like this-- it was a horrible experience, right?

We're just, we're driving down the road.

In the last seconds, you see this raccoon in the headlights.

And then you go over it, and we're just sitting the

Whole family, my daughter, my wife and I in this,

In this kind of guilty nauseous silence.

And then finally, my daughter who was five years old

At the time, leans forward in her booster seat and says,

Ah, "ha, hope I don't remember this my whole life."

(laughs)

Okay, good. So, you're still kind of with me.

I feel like, I feel like raccoon is, uh,

Oddly like just the right level of animal where I can

Tell that sad story in a comedy context and

You'll still be on my side.

Um, can you imagine, like, like if the,

If it were a dog, that wouldn't work, right.

I'd have to change it to raccoon.

Ha, ha, no, I'm just kidding.

I, uh, that's not what happened.

Relax, relax, relax.

It was a child.

- Um... - (laughs)

But we do, we do, as human beings,

We have these, these, these

Hierarchies of animals that we love.

We have animals that we hate.

We have animals we have just

Complete indifference towards.

And it's completely arbitrary, right?

Like, we love dogs. We...

We love dogs out of all proportion to any rational--

We love dogs so much that we bring them into our homes

And give them names in our languages.

Right, many of us will give our dogs christmas gifts.

This is for, this is for...

The messiah was born today.

This is for god's incarnate love came into the world.

(laughs)

That's how much we love dogs.

And we hate coyotes.

- Huh! - (laughs)

And a coyote is literally

Just a dog who lives outside.

(laughs)

Can you imagine what a mind-bending species

We must be to coyotes?

Can you imagine being a coyote,

Trying to figure us out?

You come loping out of the bushes at a park.

You see us with your cousins...

Showering them with praise, playing with them,

Throwing toys, and then we see you.

You get the hell back in that goddamn ravine!

(laughs)

But I understand it.

I understand the love we have for dogs.

Last year, my family, we got a puppy...

And I just, I'm instantly-- fell in love.

It's the greatest thing in the world to have a puppy.

Although I wish someone had told me it is so much

Harder than I thought it would be...

To masturbate.

- Um... - (laughs)

Sir, I will explain, um...

In front of your family, I will explain.

(laughs)

The thing about a puppy is a puppy has no chill.

A puppy wants to be with you 100% of the time, right?

So, if you have the need for any alone,

Grown-up, you know...

Sophisticated european style adventures.

(laughs)

You have no good options, right?

You can either, you can go into the room by yourself

And close the door, which doesn't work because

Then the dog just starts pawing at the door, going...

(whimpering cries)

Which, I'm sorry if you're able to maintain arousal

Through that sound...

You should have been hanged at nuremberg.

(laughs)

But the alternative is no better.

I, you open the door and let the puppy come in.

Just this embodiment of pure guileless innocence.

Hey!

Chewing on a piece of raw hide while you're trying to

Expand the pornhub window on your phone.

Ah!

It's looking up at you with literal puppy dog eyes.

Going, hey, who's she? What are they doing?

Hey, that's like my leash.

(laughs continue)

Dogs are supposed to be good for kids.

Uh, but they don't always mix well.

It was one day last summer when I was solo parenting

And I thought this is great. I'll go to the park.

There's a playground at the park.

I'll go, my kid can play on the playground.

We'll take the dog for a walk.

It'll be a perfect afternoon.

But when we got to the park, there's a sign at the

Playground that says dogs are not permitted

Within 15 meters of the playground.

I was like, great.

Either I can cancel the playground.

Have a huge temper tantrum on my hands.

Or, I can be a deadbeat dad. Go stand 45 feet away

While my kid plays alone on the playground.

So, that's what I chose to do. My kid goes to play.

I go lean up on a tree while she's playing.

And then I saw a friend of mine I went to school with,

Haven't seen in years. He shows up with his toddler

And they're playing on the equipment.

I call out, "hey, hey, it's me, charlie, hey!"

And I feel so rude 'cause I couldn't go over.

So, I yelled, possibly what I realized is the worst thing

You could yell next to a playground...

Which is, "I'd come say hi,

But I'm not allowed within 15 meters."

(laughs)

Thank you very much, winnipeg.

You guys have been wonderful. Goodnight!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Well, thank you all for coming to our animals show.

As a special treat to yourself,

On the way home, may I suggest driving with your

Head out the window and your mouth wide open.

I've been sterling scott, have a good night!

(cheering & applause continues)

♪

♪