Original subtitles

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

The winnipeg comedy festival proudly presents

"strange days"!

Now, please welcome your host,

Ali hassan!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello, winnipeg!

Alright!

Welcome to the winnipeg comedy festival!

You guys happy to be out?

- Woo! - (cheering & applause)

We are very happy to be here with you, out, as well.

This show is called "strange days" and...

Well, we are living in some strange days, indeed.

Even the news is struggling to bring us good stories.

I tour this country doing comedy,

So I find myself on morning news shows quite a bit.

What happens there is, the news isn't great to

Begin with and then I just get mashed in to

The terrible headlines.

"coming up on the show, pleading guilty,

Ex-teacher gets three years for showing pornography

To his students. But first, ali hassan is here."

No, no, no, no. Leave some room

Between the pornography and ali hassan.

They're gonna think I'm the teacher,

For god sake, what are you doing?

"sexually transmitted infections are on the rise.

More on that soon, but right now,

Ali hassan is here." no...

My family is gonna watch this, man, can...

(laughs)

"the rcmp says it's foiled a terrorist plot

To blow up the cn tower. Before that,

Ali hassan is here." no, hey, come on, I...

Leave some room between me and the plot.

It's gonna sound like I came up with the plot.

With my name, you can't. You gotta leave some room...

Little palate cleanser, you know?

A fat cat in a diaper, a chipmunk

Working a punching bag.

Something, some kind of a visual sorbet,

Then the ali hassan.

We are living in...

In a time of heightened fear of germs.

And they say that the best way to prevent germs,

Wear a mask.

I don't have a problem with the mask.

I'm not an anti-masker.

I am an anti-glasses-wearing with the masker.

That's who I am. If you have glasses...

(cheering & applause)

My god.

(applause)

I would go into a grocery store, glasses on,

Put the mask on, within seconds,

Fogged up immediately.

Now I can't breathe that well...

Seeing is just, it's no longer an option.

And all of a sudden, I'm touching something like,

"oh, my god. Sir, sir? Is that somebody?

Sir, you can't be this close, you can't be this close.

We're too close. Sir, sir!"

And you rip off everything and you go,

"oh, my god, thank god. It's the zucchinis."

But still, oh my god, the anxiety.

(laughs)

And any time germs are afoot,

Everybody wants to do this, they're like,

"oh, I'm not feeling well, I'm not feeling well."

Just, elbow, just give me the elbow bump,

Give me the elbow bump.

The elbow... The elbow.

The thing I've been sneezing and coughing into for three years!

How desperate are we to touch each other, man?

(laughs)

Not only that, this is how I press elevators,

The elevator buttons.

This is how I do it, like this.

I'm in the bathroom, this is how I'm flushing the urinal,

With the elbow.

If I'm trapped, if I am ever trapped in

A public restroom and there's no paper towel...

This is how I'm getting out of a public restroom.

This is the way.

Don't touch my elbow, that's reckless, okay?

Reckless, disgusting.

Let's bring back the bow. Let's bring back the bow...

The namaste.

Or the salute, bring back the salute, you know?

Don't keep your hand up for this long.

That'll cause more problems, but just a quick salute, that'll...

(laughs)

Alright, you guys, winnipeg, what do you say?

You ready to keep this show going?

Feeling good?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Remember buffets?

If we knew they were going away forever,

Wouldn't we have all taken at least one more plateful?

We were in the mandarin garden of eden and

We didn't even realize it.

Well, here's a comic you're just going to eat up right now.

It's the very funny, damonde tschritter.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Ah...

Alright, alright.

Well, well, well...

Here we are, the survivors.

- Yeah! - Ah, yeah, we made it.

I don't think any of us saw this slow burn coming.

Right, the way this played out?

Like, in a movie, like a pandemic always happens fast.

Right, like, they try out the virus on a monkey,

He bites a person, 24 hours later everyone's

Killing each other in a mall parking lot.

But like, this one, you couldn't put this in a movie.

- Right, too slow. - (laughs)

Like, too boring. Maybe like a 10-part netflix special, maybe.

But what are you gonna do?

Episode one, they buy toilet paper.

(laughs)

Episode two, they go inside and watch tiger king.

(laughs)

Episode three, they decide to get divorced,

But nobody can leave so they're stuck together.

That's all we did.

It would just be people, watching people watching tv.

That would be the whole series. 'cause that's all we did

For like the first two weeks, remember?

We just sat there and watched justin trudeau

Come out and grow a beard.

(laughs)

You know, he made his first day of announcements.

Then, the first thing they did was shut down bars

'cause st. Patty's day was coming up.

They couldn't have drunk people spitting on each other.

So, my wife worked at a bar, right.

She works 'til 2 am every night,

She doesn't get up until late in the afternoon.

She came home that night and everybody in the

Bar industry, there was this rumour going around that the

Next morning at 10 am, justin trudeau was gonna

Come out and make an announcement that

Liquor sales would be deemed non-essential.

Right? Bars are already shut down.

My wife likes to drink...

Houston, we've got a problem.

(laughs)

The next morning, I woke up at 9:30 am,

And for the first time in my life, my wife was gone.

Right, I had never, ever seen her up before me,

Let alone out the door.

Yeah, that's when I knew shit was real.

(laughs)

And then she came home and she just wheeled in,

All she had was a giant buggy cart full of booze.

That was it. No toilet paper, no food...

No batteries, no weapons, just a giant cart of booze.

And then trudeau said, "oh, hey, don't worry.

Liquor's gonna be essential, you're all saved."

(laughs & cheers)

Yeah, yeah, you guys appreciate it.

I don't know how long she was planning to

Ration this booze for.

But I think it was supposed to last longer than a week.

(laughs)

I was just basically a bouncer in my own home.

(laughs)

At the end of every night, I'd be like,

"hey, you don't have to go home. You're already here,"

And then I'd pick her up and carry her back to bed,

Start her over.

(laughs)

On the second day, I had to put a,

I had to put a rope up that I didn't open before 3 pm.

(laughs)

The longest she waited was 45 minutes and there was

Some tempting offers to let her through.

(laughs)

But it turned out pretty good.

This pandemic went about as well as it could, right.

Like, we've all been very polite through the whole thing.

Like I was, like...

It could have gone any way. This could have gone full-on

Road warrior mad max mass anarchy.

And I wasn't all that worried if that happened,

And I should be because I'm not all that prepared.

Right, like, I've only got like a bottle of hp sauce,

A can of tomatoes, and a half a gatorade in my fridge.

But I've got a buddy, and all he's been doing

His entire life-- I've known him for 25 years,

All he's been doing is preparing for this type of scenario.

Right, he's just been working out to swedish death metal.

He's got black ops outfits.

He owns crossbows and swords.

He's got a kayak with a sea chart that tells him

How to get out of dodge.

(laughs)

Yeah, I'll run into him in the neighbourhood,

He'll just have like a backpack over one shoulder.

Be like, "what are you up to?"

He's like, "I'm just getting my knives sharpened."

You know, "making sure my batteries are charged.

How about yourself?" I'll be just be like,

"ah, I was just looking for some sandals and some rice paper."

Like I'm woefully ill prepared.

He's like, "you just remember...

Shit goes sideways, you get to my place,

You got a spot in the kayak. We'll go repopulate the planet."

(laughs)

Yeah, I don't even know how that part of the plan works.

So, I was telling a buddy, I'm like,

"oh, if stuff goes sideways, all I gotta do is get down

To jp's, three blocks, I got a spot in the kayak.

We're gonna go repopulate the planet."

And he's like, "three blocks? Every man for themselves,"

They're like, "you're never gonna make it.

Look at you. You're the size of a baby deer,

For christ's sakes."

(laughs)

"they're gonna eat you." I was like, "I'll make it."

I'll tell you why I'll make it. I'm from the last generation

Of kids that were allowed to hit each other."

- (laughs) - woo!

Yeah, I'm not saying I'm tough. I'm shifty.

Right, I've taken a few.

But the millennials, oh, man, they don't have a chance.

Right, they're gonna be too busy updating

Their instagram accounts.

Be like, oh, things are getting a little hairy out here.

Concerned face.

Hashtag armageddon, hashtag end of days,

And then just a selfie...

With a blade of an axe coming into focus in the background.

(laughs)

(applause)

Last photo they ever send. Too bad, got a lot of likes.

(laughs)

And then when I get to his place,

We still gotta make it about 200 metres with the kayak,

To the beach.

And I think there'll be people coming for us.

Right, I feel at this point I might have to

Sever a human head.

I hope I don't have to, I'm not a violent man.

Perhaps there's one just lying about.

But I feel that when there's roving gangs of people

Deciding who they're gonna go after next that your

Odds of survival go up dramatically if you're the

Only guy walking around carrying a human head.

(laughs)

You're just holding it by its man bun.

(laughs)

Yeah, like a lantern in the night. You're like,

"the hipster go first! The hipsters go first!"

You've been a lot of fun, winnipeg. Thanks for having me.

Stay safe, take care, good night. Goodbye!

♪ (applause) ♪

(applause)

Not only is this performer a comic,

She's also a biomedical engineer.

I'm not exactly sure what that is, but I,

I think it means she can make your ambulance run on corn.

Please welcome the very funny, salma hindy.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hi, everyone. How's everyone doing?

(cheering & applause)

I know that we're living in strange days because

This year was the first time that I found out that

Some of you don't wash your butts.

(laughs)

Yeah, you horde toilet paper instead.

And honestly, guys, this is like the biggest

Culture shock to me, even though I was born here.

But I'm still cultured and I'm still shocked,

Is the fact that no one in this country uses bidets.

Like, back home, in third world countries,

They don't even have toilets.

Like, they have squat toilets,

Like they have a hole in the ground,

But you know what they do have? A bidet.

Like, they don't even have infrastructure, democracy,

Drinking water, but they have a bidet. You know why?

Because it is a basic human right.

(laughs)

They have dirty governments but clean butts and,

That's all that matters.

(laughs)

I also want this to become a filter on dating apps,

Bidet use, because every single time one of

My friends says that she wants to date a white guy,

We all just collectively recoil.

We're like, okay, but does he wash his butt?

(laughs)

No? Then is his freedom even really that appealing?

I'd rather be controlled, but at least ahmed's clean.

(laughs & claps)

Ah, okay, let's get personal.

What I'm wearing on my head's called a hijab.

I've been wearing it majority of my life.

I can take my hijab off in front of three groups of people.

My family, my female friends,

And my future husband.

Anyone?

Okay, whatever.

I own over 300 hijabs,

But I only wear the same five.

It's like white women and yoga pants.

They own like 20 pairs, but they sleep, breathe,

And ask to speak to the manager in only one.

(laughs)

Recently, I was doing some online shopping,

And I was like, you know what,

I'm just gonna treat myself, as one does every week...

And so, I went on a website, it was a muslim website,

And I saw that they had just released a new hijab.

Now, I'd say this was made with like a $12 fishnet fabric,

Sprinkled with some dollar store glitter...

And it was being sold for, I'm not kidding,

$325 us dollars.

$325 for a hijab?

Better freaking wrap me in the arms of god, himself.

Better blow dry my hair underneath that none of you

Are gonna see, you know what I'm saying?

Better turn into an invisibility cloak

When a racist walks by, like...

I want to make sure I'm getting my money's worth.

Speaking of racism, surprise,

I have experienced it. I know, so surprising.

And, I-- actually, recently, there have been a lot of

Anti-islam protests happening in my city.

And they most often happen outside of mosques.

So, one day after work, I was walking home and

I passed by a mosque and I saw a protest happening outside.

The protesters were like yelling, screaming,

People were filming them, calling the police and stuff.

It was pretty bad.

And, while I was walking past them I was like, wow...

These people...

Go to the mosque more than me!

(laughs)

Like, damn, I wish I had their consistency.

Their Friday prayer attendance better than half my community.

We get caught up at work sometimes.

Not them though, like, this is their work.

Dedicating themselves to be at the house of allah.

And... I saw one of them standing,

She's like the leader of the protest, her name is sandra...

She was standing on top of a prayer mat yelling...

And I quote, "prophet muhammad always prayed with his shoes on.

Why do you take yours off?

You're not even praying correctly."

Now, I got confused. I was like,

"sandra, are you here to guide us to the holier path?"

(laughs & applause)

How do you know more than my quran teacher?

It sounds like someone's crushing on the prophet.

It sounds like you want to become muslim,

To be honest. You already have the prayer mat,

Just come on in.

(laughs)

Anyone go to any zoom weddings this year?

- (claps) - yes?

Ah, okay, I can see most of you are confused.

Allow me to explain.

Muslims can't live with each other unless they're married.

So, "will you marry me?" is the new,

"let's quarantine together."

I've gone to over 15 zoom weddings this year.

Yeah, it's pretty wild. And, you know what,

I actually prefer zoom weddings to real weddings

Because at least there's no bouquet toss.

Yeah, nobody ever asks for the bouquet to be thrown.

Okay, it's kind of like enforced upon us.

Like we're all just chilling, right,

And then an announcement goes off and they're like,

"excuse me! Can we get all the single ladies,

Everybody who binges netflix 'til 3 am crying

Over the crush that doesn't know they exist!

Everyone who's re-downloaded tinder for the 16th time

This year, please make your way out to the front.

We're about to toss the bouquet."

- (laughs) - right?

And everyone at my table's like, "uh, we're too good for that."

And they're like, "hm, okay, maybe we'll just go watch."

And they're like, "okay, maybe we'll just get closer."

And they're like, "okay, maybe we'll just

Rip a bitch's hijab off, okay? Give it to me!"

(laughs)

None of you can say that last line because

It is a hate crime. Thank you so much, everyone!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(cheering & applause)

This introduction has been written by the illuminati.

Ultimately, you have no choice but to watch this comic

That we have predetermined will come onstage.

Now please display how you are subjugated to our will

By giving a big welcome to the hilarious, peter white!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Yes, yes!

Hello, yes, thank you.

Thank you, hello. Hello, winnipeg, this is exciting.

This has been a weird last few months, obviously.

I've spent an awful lot of time on my own.

I've been doing this a lot, I don't know if you guys

Do this, I've been doing this way too much,

I don't know if anybody else does this, ah,

Do you ever just sit around and try to figure out

If you're stupid or not?

- (laughs) - woo!

It's really hard to tell. I don't know how to tell

'cause, like, I don't think I'm stupid, but...

Stupid people don't think they're stupid either so,

How do I know? The only thing we all agree on

Is that most people are stupid so, why not me?

How do you know? If I'm honest,

I've been trying to figure it out. If I'm honest,

There's a lot of evidence that I'm pretty dumb,

See what I mean.

I've been spending a lot of time over these last

Few months just kind of standing in my apartment,

Just looking at everything I own, just realizing...

I don't know how any of this stuff works.

No, the tv's a mystery, internet's a mystery.

What the hell is wi-fi? I don't know any of this stuff.

Fridge! We've had fridges for 120 years.

I don't have a clue how you make something cold.

I don't. And I don't think it's just me.

I don't think any of us know this stuff.

There's a couple hundred of us here...

I think, realistically, if we were all to put

Our heads together and try our very best, I still don't

Think we could figure out how a microwave really works.

Anybody? That's a magic box to me, man.

I don't know what's going on in there.

There's a chain-link fence in the mirror to keep us safe.

Don't put in metal or it'll explode.

What, did a wizard make this thing? This is ridiculous.

But, someone has to know, right?

That's why I love science. As dumb as I am,

That's why I love and respect science 'cause science knows.

Science knows how a microwave works.

You can look it up, it's on the internet.

I looked it up, too. I'm just too dumb to understand it.

But it's there, so that's why I trust it. And that's why

I hate the people that don't trust science now.

We're in this weird time where people just

Don't believe science. People say that, they say,

"I don't believe science." I've seen that in a tweet.

Someone-- "I don't believe science." send.

Like the internet runs on essential oils or something.

It's all science, what are you, insane?

It doesn't matter if you believe in it,

That's the beauty of science. That's why we invented science,

So you don't have to believe anymore.

The plane doesn't take off 'cause you believe in it.

The plane takes off 'cause of science.

The pilots aren't up front, peter pan'ing that thing

Into the air. Never once have I gotten on a commercial flight

And heard the captain go, "alright, everybody,

Just close your eyes and believe.

We'll be in chicago in a couple hours."

- (laughs) - doesn't matter.

- (applause) - woo!

Doesn't matter what you believe, that's the beauty of it.

The climate change deniers, that's the real problem,

You know what I mean? That is-- and, by the way,

I hate calling them climate change deniers.

That is far too grandiose a term for that,

You know what I mean? That sounds way too legitimate.

I like to call them fart sniffers.

(laughs)

Bunch of fart sniffers.

And it's been weird to watch the, the...

The argument change 'cause, like,

Global warming's been around for forever, man.

That's the reason I believe. Acid rain was here for a day,

Global warming is for real.

And when I was a kid in the 90s,

The argument against global warming was...

"it's not getting hotter, you're stupid."

That was the whole argument. "see, it's snowing.

You're stupid. It's not getting hotter."

And now 30 years later, it's clearly gotten hotter.

Nobody can even argue that anymore.

It's way hotter now, and so the argument's changed.

The argument now is, "well, there's no proof that this

Was caused by humans," right,

"there's no proof at all that we're doing this.

This is just the earth's natural cycle. It's not our fault."

Which is maybe the dumbest argument I've ever heard

'cause even if it's not our fault,

Shouldn't we still fix it? What are you doing?

If your house is on fire, you don't not put it out

'cause lightning was the cause.

"now, now, put down that hose. God started this fire,

I'll be damned if I'm putting it out for him.

Get down here and do it yourself.

I'm sick of doing your dirty work."

It's just ridiculous. There's no good

Climate change denial argument.

So, you know, all the science is against it,

So what they do is they try to discredit the science.

It's infuriating, man. There's no science on their side

So they discredit the science that's against them.

They say dumb things like, "hey, well, listen,

You can't trust any of the climate change science.

You can't trust any of it 'cause did you know that

Every single climate change study was

Funded by the government?"

Of course, man, who the hell else is paying for science?

Have you ever given money to science?

I've never once given money to science.

I've never once come out of the liquor store and

There's dudes in lab coats bumming change for science.

Of course they're paid for by the government.

That doesn't make it a conspiracy, man.

The government paid for all the roads.

You still drive on them, you asshole.

(laughs)

- (applause) - I don't know.

(peter laughs)

(applause)

It just drives me nuts, man,

That people don't believe science.

People don't listen to science.

They act like scientists aren't smarter than us, man,

But scientists are smarter than us.

These people think they're smarter than scientists.

Do you know how dumb you sound when you say

You're smarter than scientists?

You sound like those douchebag guys who are like,

"I could totally knock out mike tyson."

"I know he's tough, but I catch him with a right,

He's going down for sure."

That's how you sound, man, it's insane.

Scientists are smarter than we are.

They work on this stuff, man, that's all they do.

They don't care about stuff we care about.

They don't care about fun, or money, or sex, or anything.

They only care about figuring stuff out.

That's why I trust them.

Do you know, do you know why I trust scientists?

This is a perfect example of why I trust scientists.

This is why I believe them fully. Did you know

There are 300,000 different kinds of beetles?

300,000. That's a lot of different beetles, man.

If it was up to me, there'd be about 5.

Do you know what I mean? 5 beetles is plenty.

Stink beetle, lady bug, cockroach,

Something else, volkswagen.

That's fine. That's all we need.

But scientists kept going, 300,000!

Do you know what that means? That means at one point

There were 299,999 different beetles,

And some nerd found a bug under a rock and went,

"I got a hunch". And then he painstakingly

Compared that bug to

299,999 other beetles.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is a nerd you can trust.

You guys have been wonderful, thank you very much, guys.

Have a good night, see you later.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Please welcome the breathtaking comedy of nick beaton.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Hello, winnipeg.

Yes!

Oh, it is-- it's great to be here.

This is actually my first time in winnipeg.

- (cheering & applause) - yeah!

No, but, it's great to be here in winnipeg,

Having a great time.

One thing that the last year and a bit has taught me,

On social media, is exactly how socially acceptable

It is to believe in conspiracy theories now.

Like, it's nuts.

Remember when it used to be shameful to

Believe in saying nonsense? Back in the 90s,

If you believed in conspiracy theories,

Best case scenario for you was standing on

A street corner screaming at strangers,

Handing out pamphlets. That was it!

Top, top that you could achieve.

Now, social media has shown us

They're everywhere. They're everywhere.

They're in the cubicle next to you at work.

They're in your fantasy football league.

They're your spouse. You gotta deal with them.

Right, how many times have you been scrolling through

Facebook lately and just had to stop and mutter

To yourself, "well, craig's insane now"?

(laughs)

He used to be a nice guy, he was completely sane.

What happened?

Well, what happened was the internet.

They all found each other on the internet.

At one point in time, they just used to think

They were off by themselves.

Then, on the internet, they found each other

In 4chan and reddit, youtube comments,

Facebook groups.

Right, and one of these geniuses did a head count

And he's like, "hey, wait a second, guys,

There's millions of us now.

We can go right back to society.

They can't divorce and fire us all, come on!"

It's like, no, take the tinfoil hats off.

We're real estate agents now.

(laughs)

Lot of, lot of conspiracy theories out there.

Vaccines, that's a conspiracy theory that

People like to believe.

The dumbest conspiracy theory though, oh, man,

The dumbest one, and it will never be topped,

Is the flat earth conspiracy theory.

Just the fact that there's full grown adults

Who think the world is flat.

What an indictment on our education system that is.

Right, that should be the final test before you

Graduate high school, before they hand you your diploma.

It's like, "okay, but before you go,

Do you think the world's flat?" "yep."

"well, back to grade 8 then, because..."

(laughs)

Can't have you walking around out there!

(laughs)

The reason why it's dumb, you know why it's dumb?

Misses the key point that every conspiracy theory

Is supposed to have...

The reason why the government is lying to you.

That's really important.

They have to be lying to you to get away with something.

If the government came out tomorrow and was like,

"yeah, okay, guys, we were messing with you.

The world actually is flat."

"okay, but I still have to go to work, right?"

"oh, yeah. For sure. Nothing changes.

I don't know why we did it.

We just made it up for a long time and we just,

We were in and we couldn't pull back."

(laughs)

It will literally have no effect on your life.

(laughs)

I have some bad news. This is some other news that came out.

Not long ago. They've now officially banned

Emotional support animals on airplanes.

I'm sorry to break your hearts,

But you can't bring your emotional support animal

On an airplane anymore, and...

I love the emotional support animal on the airplane topic

Of conversation 'cause I think based on how you think

About that, I can predict how you can think about

Every other subject.

Right, it's such a, it's such a generational divide.

Young people love the emotional support animal

On an airplane.

They're very in touch with their feelings and emotions,

And they're very aware of mental health and anxiety,

And they're like, "we just want everybody to feel good,

Let's bring an animal on and everybody will feel good."

Old people are like, "ah, kids today are wimps.

We used to just get drunk.

That's what we used to do before we got on a plane."

Right? "we were tough back in my day."

That's what old people like to say now.

"oh, we were tough."

No, you weren't. That's the thing.

Old people now weren't tough...

Back in their day, when they grew up,

Their parents were. Old people's parents were tough.

They had to go through a great depression and world wars.

That's tough.

What do old people have to say now, like,

"oh, well, we were born into a thriving middle class."

(laughs)

"that comes with its own set of issues, you know.

You have to decide exactly how fat and docile

You want to become."

(laughs)

Emotional support animals on a plane-- and that's the thing,

The emotional support animals on a plane,

Nobody cared when people were bringing their dogs on.

It was like, "oh, man's best friend.

We love a dog. Have a good time."

Then people started bringing snakes and peacocks and stuff,

And people were like, "we gotta shut this down.

This is, this is-- who knows how far this'll go?"

I saw somebody was trying to bring

An emotional support owl onto a plane.

An owl!

Right, like, look, I get it, flying is stressful.

We all hate it. Everybody hates flying.

It's the-- it's terrible.

It's an awful, stressful time.

Why would adding an owl into that equation...

(laughs)

Make any of it less stressful?

"oh, yeah, no, I find when I'm really stressed out that

It really helps me to try to wrangle a bird of prey."

(laughs)

You guys have been so much fun, thanks so much.

Enjoy the rest of your night,

Enjoy the rest of the show. See ya!

♪ (applause) ♪

(cheering & applause)

This comic considers herself a bit of an outsider.

Mostly because she often misplaces her house keys.

Please welcome the unforgettable, lara rae.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

It's great to be here.

I'm so pleased to be here performing for you tonight.

A couple of months ago, I got a,

A phone call from the, from the booker, dean,

And he's like, "hey, lara,

You want to be part of a comedy show that sort of

Looks like the modern world, right?"

And I'm like, "the modern world?

You know I'm like 57, right?" and he's like, "seriously?

You don't look it. You look fantastic.

Stunning, lara."

And I'm like, "please, dean, you're married."

But I digress.

(laughs)

So, then I say, "I'd love to be part of your show.

What's it called?" and he says, "strange days."

Now, dean, why would you want me,

Lara rae, a transgender woman

For a show called 'strange... Days'?

And he's like, "well, you know, you're...

You know, you're...

You know...?"

(laughs)

And I'm like, "what? What am I, dean?

What am I, you, you, you transphobic,

Privileged white, white, privileged, white...

Man... Male...

Transphobic?"

And he goes, "you want the show or not?"

And I said, "well, I am a bit odd."

(laughs)

Strange days though, a lot of scary stuff going on.

You know, the planet's on fire,

Disease, war, poverty, fascism,

Incurable disease. But even worse,

More horrifying than all of these things...

People challenging the concept of gender, yeah.

I had someone come up to me after a show once,

All angry. He's like, "there's this person I work with

And they want to be known as 'they'".

And I said, "are you telling me they want to be called they?"

And he's like, "yeah, they do!

And I'm not doing it."

I said, "you're not gonna call them they?"

And he's like, "I am not gonna call them they.

They can't make me say 'they'".

And he's like so mad.

I turn to his wife and I say,

"they're kind of an idiot, aren't they?"

And she's like, "yes, they are."

(laughs)

(applause)

Thank you.

It's crazy, it's crazy.

But do you know what, as a trans person,

The most hurtful thing for me is not the horrible,

Horrible terms, and you've heard them all,

I'm not gonna say them...

The horrible terms for trans people that you hear,

It was, "man in a dress", right?

Like, I hate that, man in a dress.

You know, ru paul...

Man in a dress.

Crossdressers, heterosexual, man in a dress.

The pope, man in a dress.

But here I am, a trans woman in pants.

Therefore, I'm a real woman.

- (applause) - yeah, yeah, thank you.

- Well, thank you. - (applause)

Not only does the expression "man in a dress" insult me,

It negates me, both psychologically and physically.

It negates my physical reality.

Five years ago, I began hormone therapy.

And three years ago, I went to montreal at christmas

For gender confirmation surgery.

Yes, vagina, there is a santa claus.

(laughs)

So, while you were looking for parking at

Bed, bath & beyond, I'm in an or,

In montreal, with my legs in stirrups.

But it's quebec, so they're maple stirrups.

(laughs)

Now, the surgery normally takes 90 minutes,

But mine took 3 hours, because of the length.

(laughs)

- Now that's a very-- - (applause)

Yes, that's a very weird boast for a trans person to make.

But yes, at one time, there was a penis,

And I was attached to it.

(laughs)

I stayed awake during surgery,

Is a line that makes every man in the audience squirm.

But it's true.

I didn't want to miss anything.

Well, I didn't want them to miss anything.

And then I got home...

And it's 3 months of recovery, right,

'cause your vagina is new so the baby teeth

Are just coming in.

(laughs)

Some men think that joke is real.

(laughs)

And then, before you know it,

I was ready to date. And then that's, of course,

Another whole strange new world,

And I went on the tinder to find the sex.

And it hasn't been going very well.

I think mostly because I call it "the sex"...

(laughs)

And the tinder, and it kind of creeps people out.

But I just made a new profile and I think it's gonna work.

And so, I want to-- can I share this with you?

This is real, this is my new tinder profile, right.

So, they ask you a bunch of questions, right.

So, first question was name.

I put lara rae.

I was doing good so far, yeah.

And then, it says "sex".

I said, "hopefully".

(laughs)

Yeah. Yeah, and still, no hits, nothing.

I don't know what, I don't know what's wrong.

And then it says, "looking for".

Looking for...

And I said, "about 6 months."

Yeah... It's actually been 7,

But I don't want to look desperate.

(laughs)

And then it says,

"would you have sex on your first date?"

And I said, "when is it?"

Yeah.

(laughs)

Like, I don't know why no one's matching with me.

And then, the final question was,

And I think this is a good one.

It's important, it really establishes something.

The final question was, "would you move...

Would you move to accommodate a new partner?"

And I wrote, "sure. I don't just lie there."

(laughs)

- (applause) - yeah.

I may be 57, but I still got some spark.

(laughs & applause)

You guys are really nice. Thank you so much.

Good night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

♪

Ering & applause)

Al the sunscreen we wear is coming off our bodies,

Into the water, and killing the oceans.

But it's not all bad.

I like to think that with all the antidepressants we take,

As they come off our bodies into the water,

Ah, maybe the oceans aren't too bummed out about it.

Let's hear it now for the killer comedy of rob pue!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

♪ (applause) ♪

Good evening, winnipeg. How you doing?

(cheering & applause)

Excellent. Good to be back,

And it's nice to hear you guys are in good spirits here.

Everybody's doing well.

And there's, you know, and that's important.

It's important to be happy now.

You're supposed to be.

There's a big premium being put on being happy all the time,

Otherwise something's wrong.

You get faced with that all day.

"something wrong? You okay?"

Nothing turns your mood from happy to sad

Quite more quickly than, "are you okay? You alright?"

You're like, "ask me again.

I'm gonna follow you home."

(laughs)

It's okay to not be happy, is what I'm saying.

It's okay to not, you know, feel top of your game.

We all know these people who fake it all day.

Everybody knows one of these people,

These mako sharks that go through life like,

"hi, everything's great. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

(laughs)

It's that laugh that comes with it too.

Rich people have that laugh.

Got a lot of money, you laugh like that.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my, me.

I know that because every now and then I go in

My wallet and I'll find a $50 bill.

I'll be like, ha, I'm rich. Ha-ha-ha!

Oh...

(laughs)

Getting carried away.

You understand, it's okay to not be happy all the time.

You could be sad. Breathe it out.

Everybody's gotta go through a grind, right?

Most of us tune in and start doing bad things

To ourselves, like you'll...

What do ou start doing, you start watching the news.

It's an awful decision to make. It's always bad.

All news is bad news.

Even good news, on the news, is bad news.

Right, you'll hear something like,

"dave won $8 million in the lottery."

You know, like, well, up yours, dave,

You know what I mean?

You wanna give me some news I can use,

Give me dave's address.

I'm gonna hunt dave.

(laughs)

It's just ridiculous out there.

What else will you do, you maybe...

Wrestle with your demons, and you choke it all down

All day, and then, and then you're in bed at night,

And you're lying there and all of a sudden,

Your brain fires up, like, "hi...

Remember all those problems you've been choking on?

We're gonna mull those over for the next 6 hours.

You're 42 and on financially shaky ground.

Get up... And devise a plan."

So, we do that, or maybe watch a reality program.

Do you do that to yourself to try and tune out, right?

You watch storage wars, you watch a bunch of rednecks

Rummage around people's garbage for a rocking chair.

Does the world need cletus finding that kind of treasure?

(laughs)

You know, it's just awful.

You can read newspapers to try and stay enlightened.

You'll see something like, it's a lot of bad news

Written poorly, you know.

I read an article in the paper once that said,

This is before breakfast, it says,

"snake eats baby."

That's not news, that's unfortunate.

That's a bad day...

For somebody, but now you're making it my bad day.

One snake ate one baby.

That's not news, that's not newsworthy.

One snake eats 13 babies, I get it.

We gotta find that snake. It's got a taste for baby.

(laughs)

Apb out on a hungry snake, you know.

(laughs)

So, you tune into the reality garbage,

And just to fluff you up a little bit,

Just to make it palatable, everything go away.

And then some of it's just offensive to me,

Like, survivor's gotta be the most...

Criminally offensive show I could possibly ever think of.

I mean, it's horrendous. It's so glib.

You send 15 people out to some club med vacation spot.

Right, and they gotta get food, fire, and shelter.

At best, that's camping.

(laughs)

And I understand from a marketing standpoint

You can't call a show "camping".

(laughs)

Like, no one wants to watch doug and todd

Put up a tarp in the rain.

(laughs)

Meanwhile, there are children in africa actually surviving.

It's despicable.

These kids are looking for something the price of a

Cup of coffee and, and these other dolts in north america

Are on some vacation spot vying for a million bucks,

That's the prize money. A million dollars.

You guys could all use a million dollars, yeah?

- Woo! - Sure. I tell you what.

You put me on an island with 15 other people for that

Kind of scratch, nobody's waking up

For episode two with me.

(laughs)

Like...

I'll be real nice in the helicopter on the way down.

Like, "hi, can't wait to go fishing with ya. Ha-ha-ha."

(laughs)

Later that day, down by the river, just...

(gurgling shouts)

(laughs)

(gurgling shouts)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(applause)

I'll put your torch out.

Thanks very much, winnipeg, we'll see you again.

Good night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(cheering & applause)

Well, that is it for our strange days show.

Thank you so much for taking a look at the

Crazy state of the planet with us.

Now, let's head back on out there into the world and

Just barely cope. Thank you, good night!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪