Original subtitles

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♪

Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival presents,

Discomfort zone!

Here's your host, jessica holmes!

[applause]

Jessica: Thanks, guys!

Hello, winnipeg!

And welcome to the discomfort zone...

[echoing] ...Zone, zone, zone!

Guys, this is a celebration of anxiety, awkwardness,

And embarrassment.

Also neuroses, worry, and struggle to fit in,

Free-floating panic, disconnection,

Flawed coping mechanisms...

It's gonna be a blast!

[laughter]

Well, and cbc asked themselves, "who makes us uncomfortable?"

And here I am! [applause]

Woo-hoo!

[applause]

I am proud to host the discomfort zone.

Telling the world I'm here, I'm full of fear,

And that's okay.

I'm living my best worst life!

Go me!

I kind of think one of the things I do that make people

Feel awkward is I'm always breaking into celine dion.

But I cannot help myself...

[french accent] ...Because I am the greatest miracle

In the world.

So you're welcome for being here, winnipeg.

And I want to tell you, you are an incredible,

Incredible people. I mean, sure,

You are not celine, you are you, but still,

But still, tu-tu-tu, I like to watch you try

To strive to my incredibleness.

And I want to tell you I was not just born the greatest singer

In the world, no, no.

One night I knelt down at the side of the bed,

And I prayed to god to give me the kind of voice

That make other people feel very... Insignificant.

[laughter]

And in that moment, an angel flew in through the window

And farted into my lungs,

And my incredible gift was born.

And because the festival is 18 years old,

I'm going to bless it with the miracle that is my voice.

I'm going to sing a duet with myself.

[laughter]

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

♪ on your birthday ♪

♪ you we-ar-her-her-ha-ha ♪

♪ may you always be

♪ as wonderfu-ha-ha ♪

♪ ha-ha-ha-al ♪

♪ as celine is thin ♪

You're welcomeness.

[applause]

[applause]

Thank you. I want to be happy.

I read a ton of self-help books,

But I never make it past the first chapter.

So, I feel like if they just made one big book

With only the first chapters of all the other books,

That is a book I could read. That, I could do.

I wrote a book myself, it's called "depression, the comedy."

So, this is a book I wrote about trying to get my mental health

Back on track,

And, for example, one of the things was

My husband and I both work from home,

Which is too much of a good thing

When... Yay, so much of a good thing

When he's home all day.

Um, and we started kind of getting passive aggressive.

You know, I'd be like, "hey, it seems like you replaced

"the milk bag, but then you didn't cut the top corner off."

"some people say that's like opening a door

"a quarter of the way for someone.

"I'm just saying, buddy.

"and your clothes stay in the dryer

"long after they're dry.

"it's a dryer, not a dresser, buddy.

"I'm just saying, I'm just saying."

So, we try to make our home office like a real office.

You know, we pass a card around the office for birthdays.

[laughter]

I'd hide solitaire every time he walked by.

And at our home office, casual fridays include sex.

I don't know if that's all offices-- anyway.

Other days I don't want him to go to waste, though,

So I farm him out through hus b&b.

It's a new... It's a new service.

You should get the app.

Anyways, I know you guys are looking at me

And you're thinking, "oh, she seems like an introvert."

Um...

And I actually am when I'm not onstage making a dork of myself,

And I find it hard with kids,

Because I feel pressure to make small talk

With all the other parents

Dropping them off for a playdate.

And I don't have the energy for all that

Yuppy chit-chat over chardonnay.

I don't to ogle your new three-pack of jacuzzis

From costco.

I can barely remember my passwords.

I don't want to gab with folks whose biggest problem is

Expensive poodle mixes, which one to buy?

"I don't know, carol.

"I've had three glasses of wine this morning,

"and I haven't read a newspaper in 12 years,

"but I hear labradoodles are okay."

That's pretty much it.

The only playdates I want to go to are with parents

Who just cut straight to the chase.

Like this one neighbour I got.

[russian accent] "the girl child I created

"was kicking ball to the girl child you created;

"laughter exited their mouth holes.

"your daughter was a bit slow, but it's okay,

"she can come over again.

"I recommend they participate in the recreational activities

"tomorrow at the same time.

"do you want to come in for tea?

"do you know what? I don't want you in my house.

"take the tea, take the teabag, take the boiling water,

"drink it alone in your own home.

"goodbye."

That I love.

[chuckles] thank you.

[applause]

But I have read that the key to feeling good

Is self-acceptance.

But it sounds like so much work!

I just want things to be easier, like mindfulness.

I tried meditating, I even took a class in it,

But they were all like, "stop texting."

Why? We're just sitting here!

That's the perfect time.

I always felt, though, like walking my dog

Is my time to meditate. It's bliss.

And having a dog is really good for your mental health.

Um, personally, I have a purse dog.

Um, she's so sweet.

Sometimes it's hard to get her in the purse

Because she's part husky.

[laughter]

Um, for a lot of people, their dogs are their baby,

But my dog is not like my kids.

Um, my kids don't lick their lips when I fart, for example.

Just... [laughter]

My kids don't smell like canned ham

Had a baby with expired salmon.

They're just-- it's different,

It's different is what I'm saying.

All right, now that you're all good and uncomfortable,

It's time to get on with the show!

[applause]

[applause]

This comic says he isn't just socially awkward,

He's also privately awkward.

Please welcome adam christie!

[applause]

Adam: Hello. My name's adam christie.

How are you? Audience member: Good!

Adam: Good? Nice, let's get these up.

Establish dominance early.

Alpha male, betas.

Oh, oh, what's that?

Sharp.

I'm a sharp man.

Look at that, huh?

Usually the bicep's supposed to be bigger than the forearm.

Not on me!

God hates me!

I'm a little praying mantis boy is what I am.

Very skinny man.

Get back up.

I feel like-- regular guy, can't show off my arms.

Like, regular guys show off their arms, and people, like,

"oh yeah, two tickets to the gun show," right?

But I feel like I show off my arms and people are like,

"oh yeah, two...

"there's two lanyards to the podcast festival."

[laughter]

I am divorced.

Just keeps on getting better, baby!

Come on! I'm a divorced man--

I don't look divorced, too. Men are divorced.

Like, if you're divorced, do things like, "I'm a man,

"I'm divorced, she took it all!

"where's my kids? She took the elantra, aah!"

Right? I don't give off a manly vibe.

I give off more of a vibe of mormon camp counsellor.

That's what I give off.

[laughter]

I feel, I don't know, I'm pretty tough.

I'm a pretty tough guy.

I played sports in high school.

I could have gone pro.

[laughter]

Except the sport I was good at in high school, um...

Doesn't exist, so that's my problem.

It's called... It's called croccer.

It's a combination of soccer...

And crying.

[laughter]

Not a jock in high school.

I had a lot of cruel nicknames growing up.

In grade 2, my name is adam christie, and in grade 2,

I crapped my pants on a field trip to a swamp,

So kids called me adam crusty.

And I should have gone and cleaned myself up,

But instead I just yelled out, "I just crapped my pants!"

In front of everybody, and then the next day at school,

We had to draw what we learned at the swamp.

And I drew a tree and a frog and the swamp,

And the rest of the guys in my class

Drew me crapping my pants.

[laughter]

A few days after that, we were doing test prep

For an ecosystems test, and the teacher was going around,

And he was like, "okay, kids, where does a swamp come from?"

And then dean bennet, the cool kid, put up his hand,

And he was like, "adam christie's butt?"

And then the teacher...

...Laughed!

And it was that day that I decided, "you know what?

"I think I'm going to have general anxiety disorder

"for the rest of my life." and here we are.

[laughter]

I collect crystals now.

Anyone collect crystals here?

I'm your aunt. I'm your spiritual aunt.

I'm a divorced man with crystals.

That's my life now.

Usually if people get divorced, men get divorced,

They go work out, they get rock-hard abs.

Just rocks for me, please, just rocks.

I'm gonna see my ex-wife in one month

At a mutual friend's wedding.

We haven't seen each other for two years,

And she's gonna be like, "adam, please meet my new boyfriend,"

And I'm gonna be like,

"I pray to these rocks now.

"I don't need you anymore, jenna.

"I have rose quartz."

[laughter]

I did my taxes recently,

And I found out I can write these off

'cause I talk about them in my act, so...

[laughter] thank you, thank you.

[applause]

Hear that, cra?

[applause]

My accountant said anything that if I do anything,

If I write a joke about it, I can write that activity off

Because it's research for my job,

Because I'm a comedian. So that's pretty cool.

So, in that case,

I have been sleeping...

With a lot of prostitutes lately.

[laughter]

And you know what I've noticed

The prostitutes hate doing

Is writing receipts.

[laughter]

I have a new girlfriend.

Audience member: Woo-hoo!

Adam: She's very nice. Thank you so much, one person.

Uh, she's very nice. I love her a lot.

Her name is rose...

...Quartz. [laughter]

I'm crazy!

[laughter]

No, I have a girl. She's very nice.

I feel like I have anxiety 'cause of what we watch.

We watch a lot of true crime.

Uh, I watch so much true crime that I've made a suspect list

In the event of my murder.

I made a list of all the people who I think will kill me,

So if I'm ever killed, I've hid this list

All around my house, so the cops will find one of them,

And they'll know where to start in my murder case.

And my girlfriend found one of the lists recently,

And she's mad at me now because

She's the only one on the list.

[laughter]

I am, uh...

Very good-looking.

[laughter]

I don't like that.

I got my beautiful blue eyes

And defined face structure from my father,

'cause he's russian, and that's nice.

And I got my skinniness and pointy ears

From fetal alcohol syndrome.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Which... My mom doesn't like that joke.

[laughter]

But I didn't like shooters in the womb, brenda.

[laughter]

That's not true.

My mom-- I love my parents. They're the best.

They're very supportive. I love them a lot.

Not in a weird way.

I, um...

You guys see these people who kiss their parents on the lips?

What's going on with that?

We got any parent lip kissers here in the crowd?

I know you perverts are out there somewhere,

Kissing your parents.

I feel like that's a thing you gotta do

Throughout your entire life.

I don't think you can start and stop

Kissing your parents on the lips.

Like, I think the last time I kissed my dad on the lips,

I was four years old.

I don't think I could roll up on my parent's house

As a 32-year-old man and be like,

"dad...

[laughter]

"...Take your glasses off."

[laughter]

Okay, that's it for me. My name's adam christie.

Thank you guys so much, winnipeg!

Thank you so much, winnipeg!

Goodnight.

[applause]

Lause] goodnight.

Jessica: All right, if this comic makes you uncomfortable,

Don't worry, it's purely intentional.

Please welcome chelsea lou!

[applause]

[applause]

Chelsea: Oh... Winnipeg!

Oh, it's so nice to be here.

I have not been to your city before.

Your downtown...

[laughter]

...It's interesting.

Cat-calling, still a thing.

Had no idea that cat-calling was still a thing.

I think, like, the only drive-by heckling

That I ever get from these dudes is always stuff like...

Um... It's always like...

"you look very sad!"

[laughter]

No, I get told that a lot.

I have, like, a very off-putting,

Like, demeanour.

Like, I just rub people the wrong way.

I say the wrong thing all the time, I dunno.

Let's put it this way: I have had two stalkers

Who independently came to the same conclusion

That they made a bad choice, so...

[laughter]

It's kind of sad.

Uh, I'm mentally ill. Did I mention that yet?

Mentally ill?

I have one of those doctors, she's likes, to, like,

Treat everything naturally and stuff.

She's like a pretend doctor. Um...

[laughter]

For example, for my clinical depression--

This is absolutely true--

She gave me a prescription for turmeric.

[laughter]

Oh, you're right, that is a seasoning, yes.

Uh, then she handed me a poem,

So that's really chipping away

At the issue at hand.

She recommended flotation therapy as a nice option.

Do you guys know what a float tank is?

Like an isolation tank, you have those here?

If you're not familiar, a float tank is this, like, pod

Full of this really salty water,

So you can float on it really easily.

Then you bring this lid down so that you can't see

Or hear anything.

It's like a sensory deprivation thing,

And the idea is that you're made to feel nothing,

Which I'm already, like, really good at,

So I was like, "ah... Bring it on."

So I tried it, 'cause I felt like

Baking a panic attack from scratch.

I don't know... [laughter]

...Why I thought this would go well.

I don't know why this doctor was like,

"you know what's gonna help this chick's anxiety?

"uh, trapping herself into a moist coffin."

[laughter]

"just spend $75 to be alone with her thoughts."

[laughter]

She's a weird doctor.

She asked me a lot of weird questions.

The last time I was there, this doctor asked me

If my vagina...

Was ph balanced.

[laughter]

Uh, I didn't know I was supposed to know the acidity

Or basic nature of my snooch

At this juncture.

I'm not going swimming in it. I didn't think to check.

Like, you know? Like, it's like...

I am not planting potatoes in it.

I didn't know I was supposed to--

Somewhere between bleach and lemonade, I imagine.

But, you know...

Your guess is as good as mine, toots.

Roll up those sleeves, do it.

[laughter]

Ah...

Uh, so I'm a teacher.

I teach young children.

[laughter]

What?

It's fine, it's fine. I love teaching.

Uh, I also didn't have a choice.

I had to become a teacher because I have an art degree...

[laughter]

...Because I don't value money and I hate myself, so...

I had to become a teacher.

Here's a-- let's try this.

Just gonna keep it loose. Let's keep it light, huh?

Here's what we're gonna do. Like... Like, let's try this.

Like, what's your name, for example?

Audience woman: Mary. Chelsea: Mary, um...

Mary, and, like, listen,

You might be able to relate to this.

If you can't, someone else here for sure

Are gonna be able to relate to this.

Mary, um, do you ever become so fixated

On the futility of everything that it just completely

Immobilizes you and then you just stare blankly into space,

Listening to weird german music, hoping the feeling will pass,

But it just never does?

So then you get the next day and you go to your job

At the middle school, you look around at all these kids,

And they're still so filled with, like,

Positivity and hope for the future,

But you don't have the heart to tell them their generation

Is infinitely more screwed than your own,

So instead you silently take on the pain

Of their eventual lack of prospects.

You compound that on top of your own fears about the fact

That you have no idea what the hell you're doing with your life

And what even happened to it, then you start looking at cars

Passing by, right, mary, and you're like,

"hey, how much would it hurt really if you let one of them

"hit you just hard enough so you can take

"a couple of months off?"

But instead you paste a smile on your face,

You look around at the classroom, you're like,

"hey, it's almost easter.

"maybe I should take down all these Halloween decorations."

I've already given up on this job.

So you start taking down all the Halloween--

So, mm, oh-oh, you can't call them Halloween skeletons

Though, right? 'cause justin's parents

Are christian, so you call them holiday skeletons!

And you have the kids make holiday pumpkins out of clay,

Then one of the kids asks you how you mix orange paint,

Which is super cute for a second.

Then he asks you how you spell love.

Ugh, god, dark!

And then you're like, "wait a second,

"isn't this that kid with the alcoholic parents

"whose dad wears gardening gloves on his feet

"like shoes?"

Then you're like, "oh my god, this is perfect."

I may never get to have kids, mary,

And these people spit out three of them,

And they are just one family of millions

Who are just like them all over the world,

But at least you got your jokes, huh, mary?

You got your fun little jokes

You been bringing around town, huh?

See how they go. Not great.

Not great.

Oh... [applause]

And then you're like, "oh my god, this is perfect.

"it's the one thing in my life

"that makes me feel meaning and purpose.

"is that slipping through my fingers as well?"

Of course it is.

Why wouldn't it be?

That is rich.

And then your friends are like, "you know what?

"for the next show, why don't you just throw away the script,

"speak from the heart, try riffing with the audience

"because it's good practice?"

Then you say, "I don't know if that's a good idea.

"I'm in a really bad place right now."

Has that ever happened to you, mary?

[laughter]

Oh, you guys have been wonderful.

My name's chelsea lou. Have a good night.

[applause]

[applause] my name's chelsea lou. Have a good night.

Jessica: This comic is no stranger to

Embarrassing situations, which makes life hard for him.

But hilarious for the rest of us!

Please welcome mark james heath!

[applause]

Mark: Hey, winnipeg.

It's so great to be back here.

Um... [exhales] okay, so...

About 15 years ago, in 2004,

I married the woman of my dreams, you know?

Yeah. And, um...

It was also the year that I took my first drink,

Because she gets on my damn nerves!

So, pray for me,

Please and thank you.

We split up, like, over the summer.

We almost didn't make it to 15 years.

So that last summer around the same time,

Had a big fight,

And separated, and like, I was couch-surfing

And living on my own, and like...

Selling plasma and trying to, like, function, right?

And I was where, historians have referred to it

As, um, rock bottom.

I don't know if you've heard of this.

'cause, like, at that point, we weren't so much a family

As much as we were, like,

A really photogenic trauma factory.

You know what I mean?

So it felt like the right thing to do.

And it's so funny, like, as soon as you--

I don't know if this happens to, like, women,

But as, like, a guy, as soon as you, like,

Get out of a relationship,

There's always one of your buddies that wants

To cheer you up with, like, "oh yeah, man,

"now you can have sex with whoever you want."

And I'm like, "bruh, I've been in a committed relationship

"with the same person since I was 19 years old.

"I'm not, like, anxious to get out here

"and, like, start messing around with strangers."

That dirty talk is gonna be extremely awkward.

It's just gonna me being like, "yeah, girl, tell me I matter."

[laughter]

"yeah, baby, you like it when I over-share?

"you love when I over-share, don't you?"

You do all types of fun stuff in relationships.

Like, you start sending nude pictures to each other.

You can do that after 15 years of marriage.

Nobody wants to see my naked 34-year-old body.

I'm like a hundred pounds and a microphone.

Nobody is interested in that coming through their dms.

Naked, I look like a black mr. Burns from the simpsons,

Wearing short socks.

[laughter]

I remember growing up, I knew a lot of people who, like,

Their parents didn't even get along,

Or their parents barely knew each other,

Let alone, like, took care of the kids.

Like, everybody in my family tells me that I look a lot like

My grandfather, like, my mother's father, right?

Which is tough for me because I've only seen this dude, like,

Four times in my whole life, like, including his funeral,

You know what I mean?

It's 'cause he, like, went around the united states

Setting up, like, franchise families,

You know what I'm talking about?

Like, you can track the great migration of african-americans

Across the united states

By where my grandfather was ejaculating, basically.

It was just like... Mississippi, skeet!

Tennessee, skeet!

Chicago, illinois, skeet!

Southern california, skeet!

So, I was very, very-- like, sex was very high stakes for me.

It was a very serious sort of a thing.

I was very, very, like, serious about it.

And I knew a lot of, like,

Girls that were my age that were pregnant.

Like, most of the girls I was interested in

When I was in high school were teenage moms,

So it was a very, like, different sort of thing.

I remember I used to flirt with this girl in, like,

Honours sociology, right?

And one time she was absent for, like, two weeks, right?

We're in the 10th grade, she comes back, and I'm like,

"dang, where you been, tiffany?

"what's been going on?"

She's like, "oh, my son was in the hospital."

Like, what?

We can't date.

You have a 10-month-old, I have a x-men t-shirt on right now.

[laughter]

We are not evenly yoked at all.

This is totally different.

Sexuality is completely different when you grow up,

Like, in a neighbourhood like that.

That's why, like, sex, very high stakes for me when I was a kid.

I was celibate when I was in high school.

It was very important to me to not mess up somebody's life.

You know what I mean? Like, it was a serious thing.

I remember I used to talk to my penis like a single mother

Talks to their, like, child.

I was just like...

"you are not gonna be a stumbling block

"to this community."

[laughter]

"you are a blessed and highly favoured member."

"you are gonna stay in here with me."

[laughter]

"don't you give me that puppy dog eye."

[laughter]

"I beat you because I love ya."

[laughter]

I'm mark james heath. Thank you.

[applause]

♪

Jessica: Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Just trying to... Keep the show awkward.

Just trying to really...

Just go for it.

So, here's another awkward thing about me.

I always felt ripped off as an irish girl, you know,

Because all the good superheroes are from the uk,

Or they're from the united states,

And northern ireland shamrock man never caught on.

[irish accent] quick, there's danger!

Out of me green slacks and into me green onesie.

Oh, but look, it's so bright out and I have no spf or tilley hat.

Quick, I'll duck into this pub, where I can gingerly

Sneak attack the assailant by poking him in his freckly

Adam's apple and throwing tater tots his way,

But first a pint, a smoke, and a call to miriam

To let her know I won't be home and she'll have to put seamus,

Shanae, patrick, liam, braun, braunwin, bryce, vanula,

And the wee baby twins to bed on her own.

Thank you.

[applause]

Thanks, guys.

I just want my ancestors to be known for more than their stews.

That's what's...

And you know what?

If I'm gonna be a pasty superhero,

I need to work out,

And that's what I've been doing.

Do you guys ever put on your gym clothes

And then just sit and watch tv in them?

[laughter]

Mm-hm.

I thought about getting a fitbit, you know,

The bracelet kind where you get points for every time

You do this, but my husband was like,

"oh, stop giving me handies."

Anyway, it was a whole...

[laughter]

I just...

"I'm trying to eat breakfast, honey, come on!"

It just, I was overzealous, I guess.

I don't know.

It's very hard to get motivated, though.

And you know what?

I feel like you have to force yourself to really say yes

To getting fit.

[music starts playing]

Music helps!

It's working, guys!

♪ yes, I can do it ♪

♪ I can go to the gym today ♪

♪ I have made up my mind ♪

♪ I feel certain that nothing will stand in my way ♪

♪ yes, I can make it ♪

♪ I can really, really go to the gym today ♪

♪ I know I said it before, but I have a feeling ♪

♪ that today I will actually go, maybe ♪

♪ yes, to mouth-breathers ♪

♪ yes, to hot guys who live in mama's basement ♪

♪ yes, to communal showers where you make an effort ♪

♪ not to look at anybody's junk ♪

♪ I can't hashtag fitlife for three push-ups ♪

♪ and a thigh master squeeze ♪

♪ so, yes! ♪

♪ if I want to brag online, it's time for the gym ♪

A key change would help, thanks!

♪ yes, I can do it ♪

♪ use the membership I bought in 2008 ♪

♪ my home gym is just a yoga mat ♪

♪ I use as a seat cover on my toyota tercel ♪

Another key change?!

♪ yes, I can make it ♪

♪ I can really, really go to the gym today, probably ♪

♪ so what if spin class feels like a crowbar to the... ♪

♪ the nether regions ♪

♪ yes, to finally training for that 1k ♪

♪ yes, to breaking wind with each trot on the treadmill ♪

♪ yes, to the free feeling of peeing in the shower ♪

♪ I don't do that, unless you do it ♪

♪ I don't... ♪ ♪ do you? ♪

♪ yes ♪

♪ go to the gym ♪

Tomorrow... Probably.

Or the next day. Just... Yeah.

[applause]

♪

Jessica: This comic knows a thing about being awkward.

Well, that makes three of us.

Please welcome sasheer zamata!

[applause]

♪

Sasheer: Hi, there. I'm so glad to be here.

It's a very supportive environment.

Feels like a safe space.

So I feel really confident that I can talk to you about

This sti scare I had a few years ago.

[laughter]

Thank you.

Sexually transmitted infection,

We used to call them stds,

The d was for disease, and now it's an infection,

So it's not so dramatic, you know?

It's not a disease; it's like, it's an infection

That could bother you for the rest of your life.

[laughter]

It happened the normal way.

I had unprotected sex with a guy I didn't really know.

And I was travelling at the time,

So I didn't have access to my usual doctor,

So I went to the women's clinic in town,

And I was sitting in the lobby, surrounded by all these

Stressed out teenagers, and they're looking at me like,

"well, I'm here 'cause I am a teenager

"and I don't know better, but that's a full-ass adult."

Don't people her age have their shit together by now?

And then I pop up like the ghost of christmas future, like,

"no, you can make life-ruining decisions whatever age you are!"

[laughter]

And so all the teens get seen;

I'm the last person in the lobby.

Everyone in the staff is, like, closing up shop;

They're locking the cabinets like, "what do you need?"

And I'm like, "someone to look at my pussy!

"please, it hurts!"

And they're like, "if we must."

They bring me to the back.

I open up for the doctor,

And she looks at me,

And just looks like an explorer from afar.

[laughter]

And she's like, looks fine from here.

And she would say that because

She's never seen my parts before.

So I started pointing and I was like,

"well, this is different and this is different,"

And she goes, "okay, do you want me to swab you down

"and test for white blood cells?"

And if I had a lot of white blood cells

That meant that I probably had an infection.

I was like, "yes, please."

She gets a swab,

Swabs me down like a science experiment,

Goes to the next room for a long time,

And I'm just sitting there with my thoughts, like,

"oh my god, I hope this is not permanent."

She comes back and she goes,

"okay, I have good news,

"and I have bad news.

"the good news is,

"you don't have an sti.

"the bad news is,

"you have a crazy bad yeast infection."

Now...

I've never been to medical school before,

But I don't think the term

"crazy bad"...

[laughter]

...Is appropriate jargon!

That was terrible bedside manner!

But I let it slide.

I was like, "she said I don't have an sti, great,

"I'll just take the medicine and be on my way."

And she goes, "no, you don't understand,

"it was so bad."

And I was like, "I heard you the first time.

"just give me the medicine and I'll be on my way."

And she gives me this cream that I have to put in a syringe,

And every night I have to lie on the bathroom floor

With my back on floor and my legs in the air,

And insert it.

And every time I do it, I'm like,

"man, this is a harsh reminder that

"if I was never in this position in the first place...

[laughter]

"...I wouldn't be in this position right now."

[laughter]

But it's all cleared up, so I'm good to go, fellas.

[applause]

[applause]

I've been wondering this lately...

What do you think has to happen in a person's life

To make them want to buy

Eyelashes for their car?

[laughter]

[laughter]

Like, who hurt you?

[laughter]

Did a car hurt you?

[laughter]

Who is it for?

Like, are we all suppose to look in our rear-view mirrors

And be like...

[laughter]

"am I in the movie cars?

[laughter]

"and is this car flirting with me?"

[laughter]

I wear fake eyelashes when I want to feel sexy.

Are the owners of these cars

Trying to make their cars sexy?

And again, for who?

Are all the cars with eyelashes being mounted by all the trucks

With truck nuts?

[laughter]

[applause]

Also, trucks nuts, why?

[laughter]

What was that for?

Is that, like, a reflection of our society, where it's like,

"if my car's gonna be a girl,

"she's gonna have pretty eyelashes and makeup,

"and if my car's gonna be a boy, he's gonna have nuts!"

[laughter]

I don't even think nuts are the most appropriate body part

To display strength and masculinity.

[laughter]

If you want to show the world through your car

That you have strength and virility,

You should want to show people

That you're adaptable

And that you have endurance,

And that you're open and warm

And multi-layered...

Like a vagina!

[laughter]

[applause]

Don't get truck nuts, get a snatch-back!

All right, thank you very much!

[applause]

♪

♪

Jessica: Like me, this comic is a natural introvert,

And I take great comfort in knowing

We'll never, ever have a conversation about it.

Please welcome pete johansson!

[applause]

♪

Pete: Thank you, thanks.

Oh, all right.

Um, hi.

So nice to be here in winnipeg.

I love it.

I'm married, like many of the other acts on the show.

My wife loves me a lot.

I like her.

I've been married for 11 years, been quite wonderful.

Me and my wife are quite sexually adventurous,

I guess is the word. I don't know, what you call...

Swingers, that's the word!

Um... [laughter]

We've been, we're swingers for a number of years.

We don't swing anymore. It wasn't our choice.

Um... [laughter]

Um, yeah, can't find a participant.

[laughs] no, we're getting old.

We miss the old adventure days, though, me and my wife.

We always, we can still fantasize about it,

We still masturbate and think about how we used to be.

You know?

[laughter]

You ever do that with your partner?

Remember, oh, remember that? Oh yeah,

Oh, and you lean back, arrrr, you know?

[laughter]

That was good. That was a fun time.

Our anniversary last year, I was like,

"you know, we could do something crazy!"

And we're like, "oh, we don't really want to lose weight."

And, um... [laughter]

So she was like, "why don't you just get me--

"let's get me a new... Let's get a new sex toy."

I was like, "yes, yeah, that sounds fun.

"we haven't had a new sex toy in a while.

"we've kind of, well, fallen into the pattern.

"let's get something new." and I was like,

"what do you want? She goes, "let's get...

"oh, let's push the boundaries."

I'm like, "oh yeah, ooh, let's do it.

"what would you like?"

She goes, "I'd like a big sex toy."

I'm like, "oh! Okay, all right.

"yeah, something to take me back to my college days.

"done, done, yeah, okay, I don't want to know anymore details

"right away, but sure."

I was like, "how-- you want a big one?"

And she's like, "yeah." I'm like, "how long, how long?

"you tell me how long a toy you want."

And she was shy at first.

She's like, "I don't know, I don't know, 10?

"10 inches?"

I'm like, "yeah, okay!

"yeah, I'll get you a 10-inch toy, done, done."

And I was like, "what do you want for circumference

"on that baby, huh?"

And she's like, "mm, two, two inches."

And I was like, "no, no,

"I don't think that's right, I don't think so.

"maybe diameter, maybe diameter will be easy.

"what do you want for diameter on that?"

And she's like, "um... Uh...

"12 inches." I'm like, "nope."

[laughter]

"nope, you don't want that at all."

"that's not what you want at all."

And that's when I realized my wife couldn't calculate

The volume of a cylinder.

And...

[laughter]

[laughter]

I never been more ashamed of her in my entire life.

[laughter]

It's like, are you kidding me?

You can't calculate the volume of a cylinder?

What, you don't know geometry, basic algebra?

What are you, what are you doing?

And she goes, "when I ever gonna use that?"

I'm like, "now, right now!"

[laughter]

Explaining to your husband the size of a sex toy,

That's what they should tell kids when they're teaching it!

[laughter]

Some day you're gonna want to be specific about a toy, kids,

And this is what you need to know.

And she's like, "don't math-shame me."

I'm not math-shaming you, but you should know these

Basic geometric functions.

She's like, "no, no. I think it's wrong."

She goes, "fine. I want one that big, that big.

"that's how big I want it."

[laughter]

Now the problem with "that big"

Is I couldn't walk over to the computer and go to amazon

And go "that big."

[laughter]

So I had to actually go into a physical sex shop,

If you will.

I went into the local mom-and-pop sex shop.

[laughter]

You know, shop local,

Keep the business in business, you know?

And I'll be honest with you,

Talk about a section of the industry

That has not done well in the transformation

To the digital age.

Most people do their shopping for these products online now.

And they're suffering.

I walked in there and they could barely keep the lights on,

That's how dark it was. [laughter]

And I'm like, "this isn't good," and I asked the clerk, I go,

"it seems pretty dead in here," and they're like,

"yeah, oh, we're not getting a lot of business lately."

I go, "why is that?"

"well, people, you know, they buy most stuff online."

I go, "what kind of business do you do?"

"oh, people that want to check out our products

"and see something before they buy it.

"that's a little bit."

And I go, "what's the other part?"

"oh, people that need a toy now ."

Like, that's a lot of the business.

Can't wait 24 hours for a delivery.

They come in and they're gone, like it's an emergency.

[laughter]

I was like, "how often is that?"

"like, about one an hour." and I was in there for an hour,

And there was like three emergencies.

Like, just, huh, huh, huh! Gone, like just...

[laughter]

It's an economic principle. But I can't judge.

I'm in there, you know, shaking the hands of penises

The entire time I'm in there trying to find the right size.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Hello... Oh, hello.

[laughter]

And I found it.

I found the one that she was looking for.

There it was, just right length,

Other part. [laughter]

Now, the problem with this is I try to be a good person.

I'm trying to be a good person.

I'm trying to be on the right side of history.

I don't want to be--

I don't want to look back and be ashamed

Of the choices I made at some point in my life

And not realize I should have seen ahead

That that was wrong at the time.

And this particular toy

Had a very strong ethnic flavour to it.

[laughter]

It was stressing a very specific race in its...

In its, in its, uh, design.

And I don't know if that's right.

I don't, that doesn't feel right.

I gotta be honest with ya, my core part of me going,

"I shouldn't be buying a part of another race."

That doesn't seem like a good thing to me at all.

Like, I shouldn't be, "oh, yeah, yeah, give me that!"

Like, that doesn't seem right to me.

But at the same point, I couldn't pick it up and go,

"hey, you got these in white?"

I couldn't do that either. [laughter]

Folks, you guys have been great. My name's pete johansson.

Thank you.

[applause]

♪

♪

Jessica: Guys, that's our show!

We could not have asked for a better audience,

But that's only because we have very low self-esteem.

Awkward to the end, that's me.

Thank you, winnipeg! Goodnight!

[applause]

♪

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