Original subtitles

♪

♪

Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival presents,

Square pegs!

Here's your host, kevin mcdonald!

[applause]

Kevin: Hello, winnipeg!

[applause]

Hello, winnipeg! And, uh, hey...

You haven't thrown anything at me yet,

So I have to say, what a great audience!

Tonight's theme is square pegs,

People who don't fit in.

Guilty!

I guess all comics are square pegs a bit.

I'm just a little more square peggier than most.

Um, for example, I only like to pay my taxes

On the odd years of a decade.

[laughter]

2003, 2005.

I'm eccentric!

Well, eccentric, tax criminal. Tomato, tomah-to.

I'll let god decide!

[laughter]

Uh, it does come from my mom.

She was also a square peg.

Back in the '90s when I was on a tv show called

The kids in the hall tv show-- don't applaud,

Um, I told you not to applaud--

Um, when that tv show was on,

My mom would put on both her tv sets

'cause she thought it would improve our ratings.

[laughter]

I'm the son of a square peg!

Well, tonight I will be your square peg.

Will you be my round hole?

[applause]

On paper, that didn't sound so dirty.

I apologize.

And also, I am, ladies and gentlemen,

Besides being a square peg, I admit it,

I am a minor celebrity.

[chuckles] minor celebrity.

Well, minor celebrity, celebrity--

If you dip your toe in the pool, you're wet--

I'm a major celebrity!

[laughter]

You see, I am the kind of celebrity

That people stare at in airports,

Trying to figure out who I am.

[laughter]

Was I their art professor in college?

[laughter]

The accountant from revenue canada

Who audited them in '98?

[laughter]

You see the thing is, I am a kid in the hall,

And all kids in the hall fans are male, um, 41,

Slightly overweight, have beards

Because they're trying to hide the fact that they're

Slightly overweight. [laughter]

They have girlfriends; none of them have ever been married,

Not even to third base,

And they all got high in college watching us,

While refusing to study.

And, you know what, this is an old description.

The other day at the airport, a man clearly in his '80s

Came up to me with his walker and said,

"I grew up watching you in college."

[laughter]

"we used to get high watching your show.

"I'm showing all your kids in the hall sketches on youtube

"to my girlfriend.

"I've never touched her body.

"I'm crushing your head.

"I'm crushing..." [laughter]

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

I understand the kind of celebrity that I am.

♪ yes, I'm that guy ♪

♪ that you saw on that thing! ♪

♪ that you saw on tv ♪

♪ back in college ♪

♪ yes, I know you ♪

♪ grew up watching me, ♪

♪ though I clearly see ♪

♪ you're over 45... ♪

♪ which just makes me ♪

♪ old, obviously ♪

♪ and yes, I admit ♪

♪ I never finished college ♪

♪

♪ I was too busy, always working ♪

♪ on just being ♪

♪ a moderately successful ♪

♪ semi-popular comedian ♪

♪

♪ I know that I'm ♪

♪ a vaguely familiar guy ♪

♪ curly hair, voice that's high ♪

♪ irritating...Ly high ♪

♪ you can't place me ♪

♪ some guy from tv ♪

♪ oh, maybe I'm screech ♪

♪ from saved by the bell ♪

[laughter]

♪ if you see me ♪

♪ in an airport at gate 3 ♪

♪ please stare at me ♪

♪ till you figure out where you know me from ♪

♪ keep staring... ♪

♪ what tv show you saw me on... ♪

♪ keep staring ♪

♪ what cartoon my voice has annoyed you some... ♪

♪ keep staring ♪

♪ and if you don't figure it out, just keep staring ♪

♪ keep staring... ♪

♪ that will make me feel very comfortable ♪

Then ask me what you've see me on,

Forcing me to list my credits,

With you saying no after everything I list.

I don't know what you saw me on, man!

Was it seinfeld? No!

That '70s show? No!

My voice in lilo and stitch? No!

My 30-second appearance in galaxy quest?

No, no, no!

Hey, I know who you are!

♪ you're just a guy ♪

♪ making me late for my plane ♪

♪ late for my plane... ♪

♪

George westerhall!

Okay, give it up for george westerhall!

[applause]

He also doesn't fit in anywhere.

We're gonna continue the show now.

[applause]

Please welcome charles haycock!

[applause]

♪

Charles: Ah... [chuckles]

Right on, man.

And I like a corduroy couch.

Man, sometimes I like to wear corduroy pants,

And then I slide in the grooves.

[laughter]

Mm, just feels so right, you know?

[laughter]

But one time there's a girl, she's sitting on the other side

Of the couch, and she said, "hey, scooch over."

I'm like, "baby, you know I can't go sideways."

[laughter]

Well, that's not where these train tracks lead!

[laughter]

But I also like a felt couch, and I'm conflicted, though,

Because felt, its name is what you did to it.

[laughter]

It doesn't feel okay.

Felt is a victim material.

[laughter]

And listen, it's 2019, and I know that

Because I hear that when I lose arguments.

Hey, man... [laughter]

You guys get it?

[laughter]

'cause it's always like, "hey, you can't do that, man.

"it's 2019." and I'm like,

"dang, that is what year it is."

[laughter]

Why does that work so well?

Have people been doing that back in the day, you think?

Like, way back? Some dude's like,

"come on, man, it's 1601!"

[laughter]

"come on, it's 16-- you don't even have a slave yet?

"it's 1601!"

"come on, it's... You haven't heard of jesus?"

"it's 4!" [laughter]

"it's 4, man. I mean, seriously."

[laughter]

Um, sometimes I like to put magnets in my shoes,

So that when I walk north it's very slightly easier.

[laughter]

And I learned that I'm cool because I live on the west side,

You know, and it's, like, you can say, "hey, don't step to me.

"I'm from the west side." or you can say, like, even,

"don't touch me, man, I'm from the east side!"

Or even "north side."

But the only one that sucks is like if you're from the middle.

[laughter]

How do you beef with people?

No gangster was ever like, "hey, man, yo, I'm from...

"neither here nor there."

[laughter]

"can anybody relate?"

[laughter]

And then my teacher told me also, we live in the west,

So like, I'm in the west, I'm on the west side,

But then why is there no west pole?

[laughter]

How can you live inside and onside just that way?

[laughter]

That's what west is, it's like that way,

And if you keep going west long enough,

All a sudden they say now you're in the east.

[laughter]

That's china.

And if you keep going further, now you're in the middle east,

But that's the end of the east!

It goes west, east, middle east, and then west!

[laughter]

I mean, I'm starting to think maybe teachers

Don't know things.

[laughter]

[applause]

You know, 'cause as a kid, I always,

I looked up to teachers and I was like,

"man, that guy knows things," you know?

But now I'm older and some of my friends are teachers,

And I look at them like,

"man, that guy woke up under a table."

[laughter]

"that guy knows about mistakes."

[laughter]

"he's a history teacher,

"but he doesn't know what happened last night."

[laughter]

Baby steps, man!

[applause]

That's all I'm saying.

Man, in elementary school, I had this teacher,

And he taught me that the earth is round.

[chuckles]

It sucks, 'cause you get to middle school, they're like,

"you moron, the earth is slightly oval."

[laughter]

You get to high school, they're like,

"you moron, the earth is a 3d sphere."

You get to college, they're like,

"the earth was not, is...

"yet will not be."

[laughter]

And then you get to a job, and they're like,

"we don't give a shit."

[laughter]

[applause]

"just stack boxes."

[laughter]

"whatever planet we on, you're in the warehouse!"

[laughter]

"how about the earth is a rhombus,

"and you get minimum wage?"

[laughter]

But, man, I don't like a leather couch.

[laughter]

'cause, like, every time-- you ever sat on one when it's hot?

It's, guess what, the leather is way more, way more hot.

Or then when it's cold, the leather just gets way more,

Even way more colder,

Which leaves me to believe being a cow is terrible.

[laughter]

It's just not fair, man, 'cause it's like,

Sometimes I see a cow in a sandwich,

And that's a weird place to see...

[laughter]

'cause that's what happens when you're a cow, man,

They really got the short straw.

And because if you're a horse, like, that's not what happens,

And did you ever ask yourself that difficult question?

Why can't we eat horses? Why?

Just 'cause we sit on them it's not cool,

But it's like, we eat cows.

In fact, we eat the inside of a cow,

And then we take the outside of a cow

And we put it on top of a horse,

And then we sit on top of a cow...

On top of a horse!

[applause]

Thanks for having me, man. Thank you so much!

See ya.

[applause]

♪

♪

Kevin: This performer's act has all the ingredients

For perfect musical comedy.

There's music, and there's also comedy!

To me, that's perfect.

And I know once you see him, you'll think so, too.

Please welcome anesti danelis!

[applause]

♪

Anesti: Hello, winnipeg! How are you doing tonight?

[audience cheering] anetsi: We good?

Awesome!

So nice to be here, so nice to meet all of you.

Hi, I'm anesti danelis.

And no matter where I go, people always get my name wrong,

Especially my last name, which is the weirder of the two.

So I just tell them, "say my first name

"and stop at the first initial of my last name,"

Just to make things easier, you know?

Like anthony a, or cardi b,

Or an-es-ti-d. [laughter]

That's my name, "an std." yeah.

But they recently changed it to sti.

That was a big day for me.

Oh my god, it was a life-changing day.

I celebrate it every single year now.

It's my new birthday, there's cake.

So, friends, I realized the other day that I've got haters.

Yup, I got haters.

Every day I live my life,

And I just watch the haters pile up, like money.

And I just want to take a second to address those haters,

Because I've got haters, you've got haters,

And we've got something to say to those haters.

So, dj, dj, dj, drop that beat!

[music starts] ooh, thank you so much!

Ooh, what's up, haters?

Remember me?

Remember all the bad things you said about me?

Yeah, I bet you do.

Remember when you said I was a no one?

Remember when you said I'd amount to nothing?

Remember when you said I do nothing with my life?

Well, guess what, haters?

I've got something to say to all of you!

♪ so open up your ears, listen up, because... ♪

♪ you were right! ♪ [music stops]

[laughter]

[applause]

Who's got a mom?

[audience cheering] anetsi: Yeah?

Anyone here a mom?

Yeah, anyone here in love with someone's mom?

Oh, no!

Actually, I was wondering, just by a show of hands,

Who here has recently talked to their mom on the phone?

Okay, a lot of good boys and girls here.

Um, I saw, I think you raised your hand up.

Do you talk to her regularly?

Woman: Every day. What's your mom's name?

Woman: Norma. Norma, okay, that's a nice name.

And would you say you love your mom?

Woman: Yes. Great, 'cause she's right here!

No, I'm kidding. [laughter]

Anyways, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

I've got some bad news, it's about your mom,

So I'll tell you through a song.

[playing guitar]

[playing guitar]

This song's about your mom.

♪ there's a problem afoot ♪

♪ something's gone terribly wrong ♪

♪ everyone woke up on mother's day ♪

♪ and all the moms were gone ♪

♪ the moms are missing ♪

♪ kids were tucked in bed by their moms... ♪

♪ moms went to bed with their spouses... ♪

♪ biker moms went to bed on their bikes ♪

♪ and that's the last time they were seen ♪

♪ that's because the moms are missing ♪

♪ where did they go? ♪

♪ the moms are missing, nobody knows ♪

♪ and now every "yo mama" joke is too soon... ♪

[laughter]

♪ because your mama's so missing ♪

♪ there are abandoned mini vans on the streets ♪

♪ walmart is emptier than ever ♪

♪ and the boo-boos in the world, ♪

♪ ouch, they friggin' hurt ♪

♪ since the mothers left, the world's less warmer ♪

♪ and amish families lost one of their butter-churners ♪

♪ since the mothers left, the world stopped thriving ♪

♪ and now no one's really mad about drunk driving ♪

♪ the moms are missing ♪

♪ the moms are missing... ♪

♪ and now the meaning of milf has been changed ♪

♪ to "mothers I'd love to find" ♪

[laughter]

♪ you might be missing, but we'll always have ♪

♪ good memories to keep the hope the alive ♪

♪ we'll remember the good times, remember the good times ♪

♪ remember the good times... ♪

Can you guys remember the good times with your moms?

♪ who was there for me through my weird middle school phase ♪

♪ as an unlicensed doctor? ♪ [laughter]

♪ my mama was there ♪

♪ everyone said I had to graduate high school ♪

♪ to become a doctor, but not you ♪

♪ so much support ♪

♪ who was there for me in the middle of the night ♪

♪ when I couldn't get into the house I was trying to rob? ♪

[laughter]

♪ my mama was there ♪

♪ it was you, it was you ♪

♪ it was you with a lock-pick, lock-pick ♪

♪ everyone is bummed out that you're all missing ♪

♪ so, please moms, if you're listening ♪

♪ let us know you're okay, send us an email ♪

♪ but just make sure you don't send the entire message ♪

♪ in the subject line ♪

[laughter]

[applause]

Thank you. I'm anesti.

Goodnight, guys!

[applause]

♪

Hank you very much. [applause]

Thank you.

This performer really breaks the mode of what you think

Of as a typical jewish comedian,

In that she's not jewish.

Please welcome yumi nagashima!

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Yumi: Hey, hey, hey!

Hi, lovely people in winnipeg.

A little bit introduction about myself.

My name is yumi.

Like "you and me."

Audience member: Aw!

Yumi: Aw...

And my soulmate is cardi b.

[laughter]

And my soul food is rice, miso soup,

And sweet, sweet, sweet marijuana.

[laughter]

Nice to meet you.

My dad is a really old-school japanese man.

He likes to be the man of the house, you know?

And last time when I visited my parents,

I brought a fancy okanagan wine as a souvenir.

And my mom was like,

"ah, let's use our special wine glasses

"for a special wine."

But then she dropped one of the glasses,

And there are broken glasses on the floor,

And my dad came in, and said,

[low voice] "everyone, do not move."

[laughter]

"let me take care of it."

[laughter]

And he took, like, three steps and went,

"hmm!

"I think I stepped on the glass."

[laughter]

"yumi, can you get me rubbing alcohol?"

And he lifted up his foot,

And it was a tiny piece of rice cracker.

[laughter]

Aw, I love my dad.

His name is azreal, the man of the house

With the pain tolerance of italian soccer player.

[laughter]

[applause]

I get really jealous of white comics

Who can do jokes about celebrity comparison.

Like, "hey,

"don't I look like jack black but fatter?"

[laughter]

[laughter]

"hey, don't I look like steve buscemi

"had a love child with steve buscemi?"

[laughter]

Because we have only four asian celebrities

Who are famous enough to do comparison jokes.

Bruce lee, jackie chan, lucy liu, and godzilla.

[laughter]

And they all look related to me.

I have this, what do you call it,

Non-threatening sweet japanese lady face.

And then when I get on the bus,

People tend to sit next to me because they just assume

Japanese people are small and have good hygiene.

[laughter]

So I decided to wear a gigantic mask

To make people think I have sars.

[laughter]

Oh, this is why asian people wear masks.

[laughter]

We are not sick.

[laughter]

We are sick of you.

[laughter]

[applause]

Sometimes I notice white people confuse me with

Other asian women, and my friends say,

"that's racist."

But I don't think so, because face recognition skill

Has nothing to do with racism,

It's racial familiarity.

I have trouble distinguishing white people too.

[laughter]

This is why I still can't tell the difference between

Zooey deschanel and katy perry...

[laughter]

Julia roberts and steven tyler..

[laughter]

And matthew mcconaughey and a brown leather recliner.

[laughter]

Thank you so much! I love you, winnipeg!

[applause]

♪

Kevin: This performer reminds me a lot of james bond.

He has a licence to kill,

And he is based on a real person.

Please welcome the very funny nick nemeroff!

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Nick: I want this show to be special for all of you,

So I've been reading how to do comedy online...

[laughter]

And they said it's very important to talk about

What you look like.

I know that some of you guys are thinking even though it says

My name is nick nemeroff, in this shirt and these pants,

I kind of look like a mix between

Howard and joanne nemeroff.

[laughter]

Okay, I got a few ho-jo fans here, very cool.

[laughter]

Very cool.

I feel very lucky to be raised by the parents that I had.

You know, they're the reason I'm such a...

Cool guy.

[laughter]

Now that I've sort of moved around and met different people,

I realize not everybody is as fortunate.

Some people have parents that are sort of outwardly...

Homophobic, or racist, unfortunately,

And my parents are just

The complete opposite of that, you know?

Just two gay black dudes.

[laughter]

Named howard and joanne.

[laughter]

I get kind of nervous saying that joke,

Because of the words in it.

[laughter]

Some people don't think it's cool

That I say some of those words,

But I actually think

It is cool for me to say whatever I want...

Not just because I'm an alpha...

[laughter]

But I actually consider myself to be a...

White guy with dreads.

[laughter]

Like, for example, I dread the past, the present...

[laughter]

[applause]

I was actually raised to be jewish.

It's pretty cool. It means I am a chosen one...

According to hitler.

[laughter]

Mm-hm.

He was very specific about that.

[laughter]

I was raised to be a reformed jew,

Which is a pretty modern sect; it's pretty progressive.

My grandfather, you know, he's a little bit older than me.

Um... [laughter]

He's a little more traditional,

And so for the past 15 years he has insisted on being

An orthotics jew.

[laughter]

Yeah, he...

He just says he feels more comfortable that way, so...

[laughter]

[applause]

I actually did get some exciting news recently.

Mmm...

Okay, I'll tell you.

[laughter]

You guys got it out of me. I...

I just got engaged.

[cheering and applause]

Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

I've seen people do that.

I'm excited, I got engaged, I'm marrying my best friend,

Which is pretty cool, and I'm gonna do something

That not a lot of guys do, even in 2019...

I'm gonna take her name.

Mm-hm. [applause]

Thanks. Yeah, I just think...

Yeah, I just think it's like the progressive thing to do,

The right thing to do.

You know, she told me to.

[laughter]

And I realize, you know, I work so hard to get

My name in comedy and, you know, it's here, it's up in lights,

And if you guys see me again in like a year's time,

I'll just get ahead of it now, you know,

I won't be known as nick nemeroff; I'll...

I'll be known as... Elizabeth nemeroff.

[laughter]

[applause]

[laughter]

Before I leave tonight, I just want you guys to know that

I'm really... I'm really smart.

I'll prove it to you. I can either take

Any two numbers you guys yell out and multiply them,

Or take any sentence

And translate it perfectly into chinese.

You guys want to see the multiplication,

Or the translation? Audience member: Translation.

Nick: Cool, I'll do both.

[laughter]

Can somebody yell out two numbers right now,

And I'll multiply them?

Audience member: 9 and 12.

Nick: No, like, hard ones.

Decimals. Audience member: 37, 18.

Nick: Say it again? Audience member: 37, 18.

Nick: 37, 18, okay.

[laughter]

[applause]

That was such a crazy number.

[laughter]

Now for the translation.

Can somebody yell out a sentence right now,

And I'll translate it perfectly into chinese?

Audience: "I have to go to the bathroom."

Nick: Okay, cool.

I think I heard "I want to party like it's 1999."

[laughter]

In chinese, it would be...

I want to party like it's 1999...

Oh, okay, I got it, I got it.

"I want to party like it's the year of the rabbit."

[laughter]

Thank you, guys. Have good lives.

[applause]

[applause] thank you, guys. Have good lives.

Kevin: Originally from europe, had this performer arrived here

100 years ago, not only would she be on the show,

She'd also be given 100 acres of land.

Other than that, you'll find her timing is perfect!

Please welcome ana-marija stojic!

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Ana-marija: I'm so happy to be here.

I look like a hipster anne frank.

[laughter]

I was born in a country that doesn't exist anymore.

It was called yugoslavia.

It was discontinued.

[laughter]

And because of that, I have a serbian dad.

And if you don't know a thing or two about serbian dads,

They don't know how to do laundry,

But they sure do know how to make a mean remark to you

On your way out the door.

[laughter]

I used to be on welfare.

I got hit on at the welfare office once.

That felt good.

Made me feel like 750 bucks.

[laughter]

Just a reminder, if you like what you see tonight,

You can always follow me out after the show.

[laughter]

I am a queer lady, and I came out to my grandmother,

But I had to figure out how to say it in her language first.

Turns out the direct translation of the word "queer" in croatian

Is "shamed woman who left small town."

That's the direct translation.

I am bisexual, and as someone who's into both men and women,

A question you get asked very often is,

"well, which gender do you prefer?"

And honestly, I don't have an answer to that question.

I know, though, that even if I kissed every single man

In the world and every single woman in the world,

I would still want to sleep in a queen size bed alone.

[laughter]

One thing I have noticed is that guys will often

Tell you what they want you to do during sex,

But not how they want you to do it.

A guy once asked me to call him daddy,

So I kind of just went out on a limb and I said...

[posh english accent] "daddy...

"do you like it when I talk like the queen of England, daddy?"

He was like, "please, stop." [laughter]

I was like, "you can't escape colonialism, daddy."

[laughter]

Um...

Make some noise if you have a significant other.

[applause]

Nice, okay.

This next question is anonymous, so everybody close your eyes,

Just close your eyes, close your eyes.

Make some noise if you have multiple significant others.

[laughter]

When I found out about open relationships,

That you could date multiple people at once, I was like,

"why isn't everybody doing this, you know?"

[playing ukelele]

♪ this is a song ♪

♪ for my baby out there... ♪

♪ my one and only baby... ♪

♪ among several other babies ♪

♪ our eyes met across the room ♪

♪ and when I say our eyes ♪

♪ I mean you and me ♪

♪ and paul and sally's eyes ♪

♪ it's called polyamory ♪

♪ the best drug in the city ♪

♪ cheating's a thing of the past ♪

♪ now it's just called "ethical cheating" ♪

♪ oh, we even have enough people ♪

♪ for our own escape room ♪

[laughter]

♪ escape room, escape room ♪

♪ escape room of love ♪

♪ oh, baby, I love you so much ♪

♪ I want to take you out to dinner ♪

♪ we can play footsies under the table ♪

♪ you know, just the seven of us ♪

♪

♪ we never have to calculate the tip manually ♪

♪

♪ because of the size of our group ♪

♪ we're always charged automatic gratuity, oh... ♪

♪ hey, could we get this pizza gluten-free? ♪

♪ I know I'm the only one in the group ♪

♪ with a gluten allergy ♪

♪

♪ oh, no... ♪

♪ why is everybody ♪

♪ why is everybody crying? ♪

♪ oh, six breakups in one night... ♪

♪ six breakups in one night... ♪

♪ is this because I constantly yell out names ♪

♪ that aren't any of yours in bed? ♪

♪ oh, six breakups in one night... ♪

♪ six breakups in one night... ♪

♪ I should have borrowed all that money ♪

♪ from each and every one of your parents... ♪

♪ so please, don't leave me... ♪

♪ please don't leave me ♪

♪ please don't leave me... ♪

♪ with the cheque ♪

[laughter] [applause]

Thanks so much. I'm ana-marija stojic.

You've been so great.

[applause]

[applause]

Kevin: Thank you.

Born a baby to loving parents,

This performer has overcome those obstacles

To become a hilarious comedian you're about to see!

Please welcome the deeply funny todd graham!

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Todd: Thanks.

[laughter]

So, uh...

So, guys,

Let's keep that energy going.

[laughter]

That's what I'm talking about.

So, I wore a special outfit

For the show tonight.

Thank you.

This is a little number that I threw together,

That I like to call

Soviet-era carnival ride operator.

[laughter]

You guys ever... You ever go...

You ever see, on the highway,

Ever see four motorcycles all together as a group,

On the highway, travelling together?

You ever see that, four of them? Audience member: Yeah.

Todd: On the highway, all together?

[laughter]

They could have...

They could have totally gone in on a car together.

[laughter]

What's wrong with people?

[laughter]

Look, I've never walked a mile

In another person's shoes,

But I have been bowling quite a bit.

[laughter]

That's gotta add up.

[laughter]

So, my wife has been building quite a reputation

As the office slut...

[laughter]

...Since we both have been

Working from home.

[laughter]

[applause]

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

It works out pretty good for me, yeah.

Well, especially considering

I have kind of an unusual fetish.

Some people even think it's a little bit disturbing,

But I find women my own age attractive, yeah.

[laughter]

No, I know it's weird.

They don't even really make pornography for that.

[laughter]

And I have searched.

[laughter]

Well, we have two kids.

My wife and I, we have two kids.

They are mixed race.

My children are mixed race.

I don't really have a joke about that.

I just hoped that maybe it would endear me to you.

[laughter]

But also, at the same time, they are narcissists.

My kids are narcissists,

And I really just don't like how that reflects on me.

[laughter]

I'm trying to get my wife used to the idea

Of me carrying a rifle to bed,

Because I think that's really gonna be the only way

That my sleep apnea mask won't look so weird.

[laughter]

Well, um, I found some jokes on the bus.

I should ask first.

Nobody lost any jokes on the bus, did they?

[laughter]

Not going through that again.

[laughter]

Well, my parents couldn't be here tonight.

They died several years ago.

Also, they were never very keen on driving at night.

[laughter]

Mostly, though, not alive.

[laughter]

But at least now I can stay out as late as I want.

[laughter]

That's great.

Well, I made kind of a shocking discovery this morning.

I found my first grey hair.

[laughter]

It's kind of difficult to see 'cause it

Blends in with the white ones so well.

[laughter]

One time I said that joke and lady yelled out,

She said, "my husband says that those hairs are just blonde!"

So I said to her, I said,

"please be quiet."

[laughter]

"I'm, uh... I'm trying to do a show."

[laughter]

Anybody here from quebec?

Any quebeckers here tonight?

No?

I have a friend from quebec, thank you.

[laughter] you know.

But my friend, my friend from quebec is always criticizing

How I pronounce "poutine."

They don't like how I pronounce "poutine."

So I don't even try anymore.

I just call it by its original name,

Which is "whore salad."

[laughter]

Whore salad.

I don't know whether you know this or not,

But "whore" in french is "poutain."

[laughter]

So that's actually pretty clever.

[laughter]

I'm just gonna go.

[laughter]

[applause]

Kevin: Thank you very much for coming!

That's it for our square peg show!

You made all of us misfits feel so welcome,

And now in return we'd like to ask you to leave.

Just go. [laughter]

Thank you very much! Goodnight!

Thank you! [applause]

Thank you!

All the comics were great, thank you!

Thank you. I'm leaving.

Thank you!

[applause]

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