Original subtitles

♪

♪

Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival presents,

Beyond belief!

Here's your host, deanne smith!

[applause]

Deanne: Hey, everybody!

Hello!

Hi!

Hi, I'm so excited to be here.

My name is deanne smith, if you don't already know me,

And I have been lucky enough to perform at comedy festivals

All over the world, and I am here to tell you

That winnipeg is easily... One of them.

[laughter]

Just one... One of many.

A cool thing that happened since the last time I was here

Was that my video from this very comedy fest,

Called "straight men, step your game up,"

Has been seen by over 46 million people!

46 million, I know!

[applause]

It's very cool.

But based on the current state of the world,

I don't think one of those people were a straight man,

Unfortunately. [laughter]

Are there any straight men in the audience tonight?

Are you here? [applause]

Yes! Of course you're here!

I figured you were here just based on averages,

And also based on some of the wardrobe choices

I'm seeing tonight. [laughter]

Don't be afraid of fashion, my friends.

And listen, I don't mean to pick on you guys, straight men.

I mean, everybody knows you've had it really rough

In the past couple of years.

No, you really have, with people holding you accountable

For the things that you say and do.

[laughter] I mean, really, don't worry,

I'm gonna be gentle with you guys tonight.

I really am gonna treat you gently.

I'm gonna treat you like

A judge would treat a male sex offender.

Like, not too harsh.

Like, not too harsh at all, so don't worry.

I know, very real.

Um... [laughter]

The theme of tonight's show is beliefs,

And we absolutely can't talk about beliefs

Without talking about religion.

Personally, I don't think it matters

If you believe in the christian god.

He's an old white man.

He believes in himself. [laughter]

That guy, he has got a ton of confidence.

[laughter]

And god is all about promises.

You know, he's like, "if you believe in me,

"I promise to always protect you,

"shower you with blessings,

"and then maybe one day I'll let you move into

"my giant cloud mansion."

I mean, is god secretly the controlling vindictive boyfriend

In literally every lifetime movie?

'cause it sounds like he might be.

He's got a ton of rules for you follow.

He's furious if you love anyone but him,

And he is always watching,

Especially when you masturbate.

[laughter]

You're right, that's kind of hot.

That is actually kind of hot. [laughter]

The best way to get out of a toxic relationship

With god is to leave him for his sexy misunderstood rival.

And not satan-- that's just god's imaginary friend.

Um, I'm talking about science, of course.

And the sexiest thing about science is that it does not give

A rat's ass whether you believe in it or not.

And it has a lot of rat's asses to give,

Because of all the experiments.

[laughter]

But as any normal, well-adjusted person will tell you,

There is nothing more seductive

Than total indifference, baby.

You're working it with me tonight.

I see that, thank you. [laughter]

I mean, if you want to get onboard with science, great.

There's no devil, there's no hell, there's no plagues.

Well, actually there are plagues now,

Because people who don't believe in science aren't vaccinating

Their kids, so...

[laughter] I know.

They're called "vaccine hesitators,"

If you didn't know, which is the politically correct term

For anti-vaxxers,

Which itself is the politically correct term

For "fucking idiots." [laughter] uh...

Yes!

[applause]

The world health organization has named anti-vaxxing

One of the world's ten biggest threats to children's health.

Right behind the ebola virus,

But just ahead of daycares run by the catholic church.

[laughter] oo-kay!

[applause]

It is absolutely not too soon, you guys.

If anything, it is too late and very well-documented, all right?

[laughter]

But not every false belief is hurtful, obviously.

Take santa claus, for example.

I mean, what better role model for our kids to look up to

Than a stranger who breaks into their homes

To bribe them for good behaviour,

If that makes sense.

A lot of christians don't want their kids believing in santa

Because they think he's a ridiculous myth

That distracts them from the true purpose of christmas,

Which, of course, is to celebrate god

Emanating in human form

Out of a teenage virgin's vagina.

[laughter]

I personally think that it's really mean to tell kids

There's no santa claus.

I think the more humane thing to do is just stop giving them

Gifts until they lose faith in him on their own.

[laughter]

Okay, great!

Guys, let's kick off the show.

I'm very excited! [cheering]

[applause]

Let's do it.

I have a hard time believing that your next act is only

30 years old, considering he's already a published cartoonist

Who has performed at this festival three times.

And also because he looks, sounds,

And dresses like a 48-year-old man.

Put your hands together for jacob samuel!

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Jacob: Thank you.

I want to begin by just telling you a bit about

My political beliefs.

Uh... Yeah.

Politically, I'm a coward.

I'm a centrist.

That means I'm not very right-wing,

I'm not very left-wing.

I'm not a conservative, but at the same time

I think that anyone who's ever tried to split a dinner bill

With more than eight people knows that socialism can't work.

[laughter]

And, look, I don't love capitalism,

But I also don't hate it.

Some people who hate capitalism

Will express it in odd ways.

One time I was on the train and I saw a guy

Who was wearing a t-shirt,

Like, a regular promotional t-shirt that said,

"down with capitalism."

And my first thought was just,

"did you buy that?"

[laughter]

Right, 'cause unless the government made it for you,

You're kind of off message.

[laughter]

If anyone here is not sure exactly what capitalism is,

Find me after the show and I'll explain it to you for 50 bucks.

[laughter]

Obviously I'm kidding.

I'm not gonna explain it to you.

I'm gonna take your money and walk away,

'cause that's how you learn about capitalism!

[applause]

[applause]

I believe in voting.

I believe you should always vote when you have the chance.

A lot of people, though, don't vote, 'cause some people,

You know, they think that they only need to vote

If they're inspired by a candidate.

Otherwise, they don't show up.

If you feel like you need to be inspired

In order to show up for an election,

You don't understand how democracy works,

'cause democracy is not about electing the best person.

No, it's about not electing the worst.

[laughter]

Right?

[applause]

You're supposed to show up and pick the least worst option.

[laughter]

You want to vote the same way you pick an avocado?

Just like, "no, no, no, no, no, maybe."

[laughter]

For a bit, then you get home and you're like,

"oh no, it was bad the whole time!"

[laughter]

You ever notice that whenever a politician or a public figure,

Or really anyone, gets accused of being a racist,

They always believe they can disprove it

By just pointing to a friend they have

Who's a visible minority?

They're like, "I have this friend who's a minority."

Therefore, not racist.

And, like, that works,

A lot of the time, which is crazy.

'cause that's not the standard we apply to things.

You can't be like, "your honour, how can this court find me

"guilty of murder, when I clearly have

"several friends who are alive?"

[laughter]

Right? Case closed.

And look how diverse they are!

[laughter]

[applause]

But human beings, we have a lot of illogical beliefs.

Like, I don't understand why we believe that one

Kind of animal is good, but then a virtually identical

Version of that animal is bad.

Like, why do we all love doves,

But hate pigeons? [laughter]

I think it's a white privilege thing.

Right, 'cause doves, doves are just white pigeons.

That's like the only difference between them!

Doves are pigeons that couldn't make it on the streets.

[laughter]

Doves are gentrified pigeons.

[laughter]

99 percent of people consider the pigeon to be

A disgusting, filthy animal.

Dove is the world's most successful mascot for soap.

[laughter]

You hear the word "dove" and you're like,

"all over my naked body, please. Here's my money."

[laughter]

Can you imagine a soap called "pigeon"?

[laughter]

Try launching that brand and not getting hit

With a health violation immediately.

[laughter]

Beliefs are very important in dating, obviously.

There's a lot of dating sites based around religion.

There's, like, christian mingle for christians,

Jdate for jews...

Uh, there might be a site for agnostics,

But no one knows.

[laughter]

A lot of people believe that astrology plays a strong role

In romance, and I actually,

I date according to astrological science.

If a woman believes in astrology,

I will not date her.

[laughter]

'cause it's just different perspectives.

I think either you're a science person,

Or you're an astrology person,

And I just think that astrology is a bit more self-centred.

'cause with science, you look at it all, the stars,

And you go, like, "wow, the universe is huge,

"and I'm just a tiny part of it."

And then with astrology,

You look at all the same stars and you go,

"wow...

"what does all that say about me?"

[laughter]

Like, "what does that galaxy have to do with my personality?

"because it's gotta be something!"

You see those stars over there,

The ones that are so far away it takes millions

And millions of years for light from them to reach us,

That's why I'm late to stuff.

[laughter]

But I know some people take astrology pretty seriously,

So I just want to say that, you know,

If anything I've said has upset you,

From the bottom of my heart,

You should have seen this coming in your horoscope.

[laughter] guys, thank you so much!

My name's jacob samuel. Have a great night!

[applause]

♪

♪

Deanne: This comic is a member of a persecuted group

That's always being called out

To publicly defend their beliefs,

Which is not fair, but that's what happens

When you like pineapple on pizza.

Please welcome eman el-husseini!

[applause]

Eman: A screw! Thank you, everybody.

Oh, my goodness, thank you!

It's so good to be back in canada.

I live in america now,

So it's nice to see some smiling faces again.

That is so, so good.

So, I am canadian, originally palestinian.

[audience cheering] yeah...

Delayed, delayed response, but I'll take it.

Um, I recently got my ancestry dna results back,

And it said,

"if you see something, say something."

That's what...

[laughter]

It's not easy, it's not easy being palestinian nowadays,

Or for the past seven decades, hey, it hasn't been.

But I feel like we're a unique minority group.

I feel like we're the only ethnic minority

That gets excited when a racist person tells us

To go back to our country.

[laughter] right?

"hey, why don't you go back to your country?"

"oh my god, thank you so much, sir, that is so sweet.

"he thinks we have a country. That is so nice.

"thank you." free palestine!

That's... [applause]

I'm also muslim, which, yeah.

People are very concerned for me.

A muslim woman in current-day america,

They want to know how I'm coping,

And I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

But being muslim has always sucked, right?

Since the beginning, since islam started, right,

The prophet mohammed was like, "all right,

"everybody gather around, gather around.

"no pork, no booze."

I'm like, "can I be a lesbian?"

No.

But your husband can have three other wives.

Like, "wait, what?

"oh, do we all live in the same house?

"sign me up, sign me up!"

[laughter] sounds...

[laughter]

People don't like muslims.

We're not very popular.

Do we have any muslims in the audience?

Audience members: Woo! Eman: Oh, good, good.

Thank you for coming. It would have been

Bad if you weren't here. Okay, good.

Um, people don't like us very much.

We're not popular. We're never--

We've never been anybody's favourite people, right?

You've never heard anybody in the history of existence

Being like, "muslims, they're my favourite ever."

Which is a shame, because we've contributed

So much to society, right?

So many good things, too.

Coffee, soap, numbers, cab drivers.

Like, so many... [laughter]

That was a culture shock for me when I moved to america,

Just how many shootings they have over there.

It's out of control, right? Out of control.

And obviously, I'm always heartbroken

When a shooting happens.

Also relieved when the shooter is white, right?

[laughter]

No, room full of white people, you don't agree?

Um... [laughter]

I'm relieved--

I'm relieved 'cause there are no repercussions.

There are no repercussions.

If the shooter is muslim, terrorist.

If the shooter is black, thug.

The shooter is white, lone wolf.

[laughter] how adorable.

Are we casting the next x-men character?

What is happening?

It's so cute.

This is why now I have a new dream job.

I've been doing stand-up for a while.

My new dream job is to get a segment on cnn

Where I announce the ethnic background of every criminal.

[laughter]

Right, I would turn it into a maury povich segment.

Walk into a room, white people on one side,

Terrified muslims on the other.

Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in...

The shooter, not a muslim, allahu akbar!

[laughter] pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

Maybe no gunshots at the end.

Maybe that's too much.

[laughter] it's insensitive.

[laughter]

I am gay married.

I'm gay married, and that's how our families reacted.

Thank you, everybody. [laughter]

That's... Complete silence.

Thank you for the reminder.

Our families are not onboard with our marriage

Because of religion, which is so dumb.

This is why I'm not a fan of religion, okay?

I'm not a fan of religion

Because I feel like it separates people,

Creates unnecessary superiority complexes, right?

I think the world would have been a lot better off

If people were closeted about their religious beliefs,

And open about their sexuality.

Yeah?

[applause]

In new york city, I can't believe how many religious

People are still there. Religious...

I'd be in the subway and they're like,

"hey, have you heard the word of god?"

I'm like, "shh, lower your voice, you're in public."

[laughter]

"people can hear you.

"you should be ashamed of yourself."

That's... [laughter]

Christianity is sneaky, you never know.

Like, even christian music is sneaky, okay?

I was in the south of the us, touring,

Missing my wife on the road.

Decided to turn on the radio to listen to a love song.

I heard this song I related to.

It's like, "I love him, even if I don't see him.

"I feel him."

Like, "okay, that's nice."

But then it took a sharp turn, right?

[laughter]

"I want to bathe in the blood from his cross!"

And it's like, "what the hell just happened here?

"what just happened?" [laughter]

You guys are amazing! Thank you so much, winnipeg!

Thank you! Have a great night!

[applause]

♪

♪

Deanne: This comedian uses logic to poke holes

In peoples' most irrational beliefs,

Just the way xenu intended.

Give it up for peter white!

[applause]

♪

Peter: Yeah, yeah! Hello!

Hello, winnipeg. Nice to be here.

Audience: Woo! Pete: Yeah, big tv taping.

Hope this goes well. [laughter]

Have you ever had this happen to you?

Did you ever be in, like, a big group conversation,

And you kind of get bored, so you kind of zone out

For a minute, and then you click back in and it's too late,

You have no idea what the hell anybody's talking about?

It's too late, you can never catch up.

I feel like that happened to me

With all of my friends and gender.

Do you know what I mean?

I feel like we were all talking about black panther,

And I checked out for a second, and I checked back in

And my friends were like, "this is stupid,

"everybody knows there's only two genders."

And I'm like, "what the hell are we talking about?"

What? Did I miss a class or something?

Why are we all talking about gender all of a sudden?

Also, why do we all know there's only two?

I don't know that.

What, did we take a class that I didn't go to?

Like, when I was a kid they told me there was only two,

But I haven't thought about it for a second since then,

Do you know what I mean?

So now when someone tells me there's more than two,

It's like, okay.

It's like when they told me pluto wasn't a planet anymore.

Like, "all right, I only thought it was 'cause you told me."

[laughter]

I didn't do the research myself.

Just sort it out and let me know.

I don't care, I don't care. You know?

[laughter]

I don't know anything about gender, man.

If I'm honest with you, two doesn't sound like very many.

That's not a very big number at all.

There's, like, 15 fast and the furious movies.

[laughter]

Could be more than two genders.

There's 300,000 types of beetles.

Come on, let's get this.

Two just seems-- the argument for two just seems silly to me,

'cause the argument for two is always like,

"there's only two, penis and vagina."

And you go, "I guess, but, like,

"some people have both and some people have none, so, like,

"right out of the gate that seems like at least four."

[laughter]

It's insane, man.

People don't know what they're fired up about.

Who cares about gender?

Who cares if they change genders?

It's not like changing the rules to the nhl.

I don't care, you know what I mean?

[laughter]

I just wanna say burn it down, start over, who cares.

Start over with gender.

Do you know what I mean? Let men have vaginas.

Let women have penises. Who cares.

More women should have penises.

I bet you guys would really teach us how to

Class up a dick pic.

[laughter]

[applause]

Elevate it to some sort of phallic photography,

You know what I mean? Make it classy.

I like the idea of women with penises.

I like women with penises just 'cause it gets dudes so angry.

Dudes are furious at that idea. Just...

"women don't have penises!

"you got a penis, you're a man.

"a woman doesn't have a penis, that's a man.

"you got a penis, you're a man, you're not a woman."

And you go, "all right, man, but what are you so angry about?"

Holy lord, what is the fear driving that?

Do you know what I mean? What are you scared of?

Just 'cause a woman has a penis

Doesn't mean you have to touch it.

[laughter]

Doesn't affect your life at all.

Just live out the rest of your days as a good old-fashioned

Vagina guy. Nobody cares.

It doesn't matter. [laughter]

No woman with a penis is gonna make you have sex with her,

You know what I mean? And if she tries,

Just sit her down and talk to her nicely.

Be like, "listen, I know what you're going through,

"I got a penis too.

"that thing's a nightmare." [laughter]

"makes you act irrationally, I get it,

"but this is not gonna happen, all right?

"so let's just go home, rub one out;

"we'll start fresh tomorrow."

[laughter]

I don't get it.

I don't get why everybody gets so worked up about it.

And people-- like, people hate transgender people.

That's always so... Like, why?

That's such an odd feeling to me.

Like, that doesn't affect your life at all.

I just don't understand how you could be

That worked up about it.

It doesn't change anything about your life.

"ah, I gotta call him a she.

"you make me call him a she. I feel stupid calling him a she.

"it's a clearly a man. I feel stupid."

Like, really? Come on.

You don't feel stupid calling snoop dogg "snoop dogg"?

Get outta here! [laughter]

You called him "snoop doggy dog" for a while,

You asshole. [laughter]

"feel stupid"...

Every argument is dumb to me. Every argument just kills...

Like that bathroom argument? Remember that in the states?

We're trying to make laws about what transgender people

Can use the bathroom. What a...

A bunch of grownups sitting in a room arguing about where

We can take a poopsy? What we are doing?

That is... That's pathetic.

And it kills me, it kills me the worst

When it's people my age. Do you know what I mean?

People who are still kind of young,

Still hate transgender people.

And not even just hate, but just, like, you know,

"do whatever you want, just stay away from me."

You get that attitude a lot, which is weird 'cause, like,

We watched the same thing happen to our grandparents

And gay people, you know what I mean?

The same thing.

You watched them not accept them fully.

Watched our great grandparents not accept black people fully.

Watched our great great grandparents not accept

Whoever they were mad at at the time, I don't know.

Probably still black people, if I'm honest with you.

Which is silly, 'cause you know

You're gonna end up being that dude.

You're gonna be the old dude saying awful things,

Embarrassing everybody, ruining christmas dinner,

You know what I mean?

You're just sitting at the end of the table,

"can you ask her to pass the potatoes?"

And your family's like, "ah, god, grandpa!

"we told it's 'they,' it's 'they'!"

And you're like, "well, can you ask her to pass

" they potatoes, then? Jesus christ!"

You guys have been a lot of fun. Thank you guys very much!

Have a good night, everybody! [applause]

♪

♪

Deanne: It occurred to me that I may have given you

The impression that I think beliefs are dumb,

And that's not true.

I just think other peoples' beliefs are dumb.

But I'm very passionate about my own,

Which is why I want to share some of them with you right now.

Here we go. [piano music playing]

I believe it's weird that russians are so antigay.

I mean, they invented the concept of a woman

Inside a woman, inside a woman,

Inside a woman, inside a woman.

[applause] [laughter]

I believe that no country feels more pigeonholed

By their name than chad.

[laughter]

I believe it's possible that my memory isn't as good

As it used to be, but there is no way for me to know.

[laughter]

I believe nostalgia was better back in my day.

[laughter]

I believe that saying you're not a morning person

Is really inappropriate at a funeral.

[laughter]

Inappropriate.

I believe being told you're "on the ball" is a great compliment,

Unless it's during sex, and then it feels like a valid complaint.

[laughter]

Or just a bit of feedback. I don't know what you're into.

I don't want to ball-shame anybody.

[laughter]

I believe it's possible my memory isn't as good

As it used to be, but there's no way for me to know.

[laughter]

[applause]

I believe that no celebration of abraham lincoln's birthday

Is complete without stopping to appreciate his iconic beard.

Her name was mary.

[laughter]

Oh yeah, babe-raham lincoln was hella gay.

I believe that home is where the heart is,

And also where the only toilet I truly feel

Comfortable pooping in is.

[laughter]

I believe donald trump's speech-writers spell

"niger" phonetically, just in case.

[laughter]

And finally, I believe it's possible that my memory

Isn't as good as it used to be,

But there's no way for me to know.

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Deanne: This performer is a dear friend of mine,

Who embodies everything I believe

A straight white guy should be.

Namely, a male lesbian.

Please welcome christophe davidson!

[applause]

Christophe: Hello!

Hi, everyone.

Thank you.

Thank you for those woos.

Quick poll, I'm really curious,

Clap if you believe in ghosts.

Clap if you believe in them. [people clapping]

That is far too many.

Um... [laughter]

That's terrifying in itself.

All right, let's get a bit deeper.

Uh, clap if you've seen a ghost,

And that's why you believe. [people clapping]

Not as many, huh?

That's amazing.

There's a lot of you out there who believe

That there's ghosts out there, but you have yet to see one.

What a life filled with anticipation you live right now.

[laughter] oh my gosh.

'cause I don't believe in ghosts,

But I see your life is like the time I spend on a haunted ride:

Just any corner you go around,

Any time you flick off the light switch

And head down the basement, oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Tonight might be the night for you!

[laughter]

Wow, I am jealous of that!

I am very jealous of you guys, you know,

'cause I don't believe in ghosts because I haven't seen one.

That's the rule.

I gotta see a ghost to believe in one.

I think that's pretty straightforward, you know?

That's my rule. But I would love to.

I'd love to see a ghost, don't get me wrong.

I do everything I can in order to see one.

I'm just chopping ouija boards in half anytime I see them,

Just hacking them up, driving by cemeteries, just sucking air in,

Big deep breaths. Just, "come on, ghosts!

"get in there! Let's make this happen!"

I want to see something supernatural in my life.

I do.

I can picture it now, 'cause I wouldn't be afraid.

I see a ghost, I'm asking it tons of questions.

They have answers that I need answered to me, right?

I could picture, it'd be coming around the corner, you know,

Me and the ghost, we bump into each other and be, like,

"boo-oo-oo," you know? Me because I'm startled,

And the ghost because that's the sound that ghosts make.

[laughter]

I just see it right there, and I'd be like,

"all right, come on, okay.

"how did you become this, first of all?

"how are you not falling through the floor right now,

"but you can go through walls?

"I've always wondered that." [laughter]

"and what's it like in the beyond, straight up?

"I want to know."

And I want to-- I don't know what ghost I would see, right?

You don't know. There's tons of types.

You've got your poltergeist, right?

Standard run-of-the-mill ghost, shows up at the beginning

Of every horror film.

Family moves in, they unpack,

Poltergeist throws all their stuff around,

Which is equally terrifying and inconvenient

For the poor family.

Yeah, they just unpacked.

[laughter]

A lot of people think that poltergeists are the ghosts

Of human spirits that used to live in that home,

Don't like the fact that you're in there,

And so they throw your stuff around to get you to leave.

And I would have to disagree that they're a human spirit.

I think if you really consider the sounds that are being made

By a poltergeist and the objects and how they're flying around,

And that's definitely a cat is what that is.

[laughter]

One hundred percent a cat spirit.

What, you hear scratching against the wall of a sudden?

What, you watch your cellphone slowly inch of the table

And then fall down to the ground?

[laughter]

Our chandeliers swinging around?

This is all standard cat behaviour.

[laughter]

I've had some interesting stories.

I've asked a lot of people in shows what kind of ghosts

They've seen, tell me their ghost stories.

One of the strangest ghost stories I heard,

A guy who told me he saw, not any ghost,

But the devil specifically,

And he knew it was the devil

Because it woke him up in the middle of the night

As a shadowy figure that turned into a goat,

And that's what he knew was the devil.

After this guy described that, his buddy sitting next to him

In the audience was like, "no, no, no, no.

"this guy didn't think you asked,

"has anyone here has seen a ghost?

"he thought you asked, has anyone here seen a goat ?"

[laughter]

So, one guy, in a room full of 200 people,

Completely different experience for him, right?

Totally different show.

He saw me get onstage and thought that I asked a room

Full of strangers sincerely,

"so does anyone here believe in goats?"

[laughter]

No, does anyone believe in goats?

I don't believe in goats, 'cause I've never seen one.

No, I gotta see a goat to believe in one, you know?

I'm not an idiot.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I would love to see a goat, oh my god.

I would ask it so many questions.

I could picture it now, you know,

It would be coming around the corner and it'd be, like,

"mahh!" you know, me,

'cause I'm startled, and the goat,

'cause the sound that goats make.

[laughter]

Sure, yeah.

[chuckles]

[applause]

And then I would ask it so many questions, right?

Like, "how'd you become this?

"oh, how are you not falling through the floor right now,

"but you can go through walls? I've always wondered that!

"and what's it like in the beyond, huh?"

You guys have been an absolute pleasure.

Thanks for listening.

I appreciate it, winnipeg, thank you.

[applause]

♪

Deanne: This performer believes that becoming a father

Has turned him into a better comedian,

And I believe that male comics will say anything

To get out of wearing a condom.

Please welcome charlie demers!

[applause]

Charlie: Thank you very much!

Oh...

We all believe certain things about ourselves,

And partly we think it's because of the group we come from,

The culture we were raised in.

Like, I'm a french-canadian fellow,

And I like to believe that I am a very passionate man.

I like to think that I gesticulate a lot with my hands.

And we do, but, like, you put us next to, like, an italian?

Amateur hour.

Or as we pronounce it, ama- teur .

And I was talking to an italian friend fairly recently,

And the whole time he's talking to me,

He's giving me this, you know?

He's giving me the mediterranean metronome.

[laughter]

And the whole time we're talking I'm getting a bounce

On every syllable, every single word he says.

When he's angry, I'm getting these!

And when he's happy, I'm getting these!

And the whole time we're talking, I'm watching his hand,

Thinking, fitbits must be completely useless

In the italian community!

[laughter]

There are no useable data on an italian fitbit.

This...

"I looked down at my watch, it's 9:30 in the morning,

"I already got 10,000 steps!"

[laughter]

"then I remembered I just that argument about peppers!"

[laughter]

[sighs]

I do not wear a fitbit.

I'll let you take a moment to sink that in.

[laughter] uh...

I do not wear a fitbit, because I think that the desire to use

Technology to live forever is

A purely ideological construct, you know?

And I have a little kid, right?

She's five years old, and she's now realizing we're all mortal,

Not everybody's gonna be here forever, so she's always asking,

"how long are mommy and daddy gonna live?

"how long are mommy and daddy gonna live?

"well, you'll live to be 100, right?"

And I always have to sit her down, I say,

"sweety, how long are mommy and daddy gonna live?

"I'm your dad, okay?

"and your mom is a 112-pound

"chinese-canadian jogger."

"it's different answers.

[laughter]

"sweety, nobody knows what the future holds.

"all I can say with any certainty

"is you will almost definitely have a stepdad at some point."

[laughter]

Nationalism around the world is on the rise,

And of course the symbol of nationalism most easily

Accessible is the flag.

And sometimes flags really do tell you

A lot about the country, right?

The most sort of-- the most love that any country

Has for their flag, though, has to be

Our american friends, though.

They love their flag.

It's actually quite endearing.

The americans love their flag so much they think

All they have to do is just shout

The colours that are in it.

That's like the end of a debate.

[texan accent] "red, white, and blue, baby!"

[laughter]

"red, white, and blue! Woo!"

[laughter]

And what I love about that

Is that there are no fewer than 28 countries

With red, white, and blue flags.

[laughter]

Red, white, and blue is by far

The most popular colour of a combination, flag-wise.

You got the flag of the netherlands, the flag of russia.

There are-- so, to just should the phrase

"red, white, and blue" is quite literally

The least specific possible expression

Of national sentiment.

And yet that will not stop our american friends for one second.

You got a big ol' 10-gallon dude from texas,

"woo! Red, white, and blue, baby!

"these colours don't rhyme!

"red, white, and blue!"

[laughter]

[french accent] hon-hon-hon, yes, yes!

Red, white, and bleu!

[laughter]

[texan accent] you best shut that creme brelee hole, pierre.

[laughter]

[english accent] that's right, go back to France!

He's talking about the red, white, and blue!

Oi-oi-oi-oi!

[laughter]

[texan accent] dudes, y'all fallin' on my last nerve!

I went so hard about this I dyed it red, white, blue!

[serbian accent] yes, red, white and blue!

I am also enthusiast of the republic of serbia.

[laughter]

Thank you all, winnipeg.

That was a lot of fun!

Goodnight.

[applause]

♪

[applause] [applause]

Deanne: I truly believe that this comedian could become

Prime minister if she wanted to, because of her charm,

Intelligence, and the fact that she would 100%

Come to your house and beat you up

If you didn't vote for her.

Give it up for martha chaves!

[applause]

♪

Martha: Hello, winnipeg!

[applause]

Wow!

Ah, thank you for having me in the beyond belief gala.

I want to know, where are the believers, where are?

Audience members: Woo!

Martha: Where are the non believers?

[clapping]

And where are the agnostics?

[laughter]

Oh... Very few.

Nobody wants to confess what they are.

Where are the atheists?

[clapping]

Very few again.

You know, I was brought up catholic.

Therefore, I am agnostic.

[laughter]

Because what if?

What if you needed to pray?

What if you're in a pickle?

What if you are in airplane and you start hearing noises?

[makes whirring and sputtering noises]

And you think, "oh my god,

"I should not have eaten that burrito before the flight!"

[laughter]

"sweet jesus,

"please allow me to walk out of this plane

"with my dignity intact,

"and my underwear immaculate.

"please, jesus!"

[laughter]

And I went to an all-girl catholic school,

And when I was a child,

I thought that I wanted to become a nun.

As it turns out, what I wanted to become

Was a lesbian, yeah.

[laughter]

Same thing, better footwear.

[laughter]

And I can wear a little lipstick when I want.

[laughter]

But now I never go to church.

You know what I do? You know what I do?

I go to dundas square in toronto.

Dundas square is like times square but cleaner.

And a lot of preachers do their job there.

You know, they go and preach there:

The muslim preachers,

The fundamentalist christian preacher...

And the fundamentalist christian preacher is latino,

Because he has a thicker accent than mine, and he's yelling,

"if you don't believe in yeee-sus..."

'cause jesus as now made him the miracle to pronounce

The "j," so he is,

"if you don't believe in yeee-sus,

"satin is gonna burn you."

Satin !

[laughter]

Like, I know he means "satan,"

But I like to play with his head,

So I go, "you know what? Satin is very slippery."

[laughter]

Satin is the material that they use for the beds

In all of the whore houses in the world.

[laughter]

So people feel deliciously when they break commandments!

Ha-ha-ha!

[laughter]

I love to fight with the preachers.

It warms my heart. [laughter]

Because they hate gay people.

They started the fight, not me!

And, you know, in every religion, not only christianity,

In every religion, gay people are going to hell.

I mean, that's what their books say.

Hell is like the pride parade, you know?

If everybody who was gay is going to hell,

Hell is like the toronto pride parade.

[making beat noises]

[making beat noises]

And everybody has a hot body!

[making beat noises] [laughter]

You're hot, I'm hot, they're hot, he's hot,

Because you are burning in eternal flames!

[laughter]

And I go with my partner and we hold hands

In front of the preacher.

I just love to poke the homophobes.

Poke, poke, poke, poke, 'cause there is nothing,

Nothing that bothers them more than two see

Two middle-age lesbians holding hands.

That's subversive.

You know, you hold their hands,

And they imagine that I have a trapeze in my bedroom...

[laughter]

And I do somersaults, and then I land and I make tortillas.

[laughter] tortillas, tortillas, tortillas,

Tortillas, tortillas, tortillas, tortillas!

[laughter]

You know? [laughter]

And he gets provoked, and he says--

He throws the leviticus verse me.

"in leviticus, item 22,

"it says that if a man lays with another man the same way

"he lays with a woman,

"it's an abomin-a-a-a-tion."

So I thought about it, and I go,

"well, I don't lay with a man

"the same way I lay with a woman!"

[laughter]

Loophole!

[making beat noises]

[applause] [laughter]

Thank you, winnipeg!

You have been a great crowd.

Thank you! [applause]

[applause]

♪

Deanne: Oh my god.

Guys, that's our show.

And before you go home, I just want you to remember

That no matter what you believe, at the end of the day,

We are all human beings,

Living in a computer simulation run by a bored teenage alien.

Goodnight!

[applause]

♪

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