All language subtitles for W.C.F.S18E02.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

♪

Announcer: The winnipeg
comedy festival presents,

Kids stuff!

Here's your host,
gerry dee!

Gerry: Hello!

[applause]

Oh, thank you very much,
winnipeg!

Welcome to the
kids stuff show.

Who has kids, right?

Everybody... In here?
[light applause]

No?
Some...

Don't know why you're here.

Not gonna understand
any of this.

I have three kids.
We have three kids.

I guess there's
two of us doing this,

My wife and I.

Married 12 years.

We're monogamous.

That's fun, isn't it,
monogamous?

[laughter]

You're afraid to laugh
'cause you're with your spouse.

[laughter]

You're like, "I love it.

"I love being
monogamous, honey."

We don't.
No one does.

And we have three kids,

So we're monogamous
and now celibate.

It's a wonderful...
[laughter]

No time.

My wife seems to think
I want a fourth kid.

I don't.

I don't want a fourth kid.

Yet in her mind,
every day,

I'm going to try
for the fourth kid.

I am not.

She comes down to the kitchen
every morning, 9 o'clock,

Thinking I want her.

[laughter]
I don't.

I don't want ya...
[laughter]

Right now, or later maybe.

A very big maybe.

She wears a robe
every morning.

She goes up,

Puts her robe on,
comes down,

"oh boy,
I better put my robe on.

"he's gonna try
to jump my bones."

No, I'm not.

[laughter]
no.

She triple-knots it,
that's how confident she is.

She triple-knots the robe.

A little cocky.

I'm not gonna take it off.

I might add a fourth knot,
I might add a fourth knot.

[laughter]

Unless you come down
with, like, a black wig

And a spanish accent,
it's still you, right?

Same person.
[laughter]

Mix it up a little.

My wife and I talk about
divorce about once a week.

Do you do that?

Just, just something you do
in marriage when you have kids.

You talk about divorce.

I usually bring
the kids in the room,

Do it in front of them,

'cause they're the reason
we're talking about divorce.

[laughter]

No way I'll get divorced.

No way.

I even told my wife,
"go ahead, have an affair.

"because if you think
I'm leaving ya,

"it's not happening,
all right?

"I don't want the three kids
every fourth day by myself."

[laughter]
that's...

That's the deterrent
right there.

[laughter]

It is a different world
now with our kids.

They talk back.

I remember driving my son,
he was four,

He's now six,

And he won't remember this,
so I'm gonna tell the story,

So he can watch it for the rest
of his life on television.

But I was on the highway,

And he was in the back, right,

And he says out of nowhere,

"I want a muffin."

It's stupid, right?
Like, I don't...

I don't have
a basket of muffins.

Like, what is this,
like a muffin store?

Just, "yeah, sure,
which one do you want?

"I got a bunch."
just, that's what he wanted.

"I want a muffin!"

Starts raising his voice.

And I'm talking to him
in the rearview.

I'm saying, "I don't
have any muffins.

"stop saying that.

"and say 'please'
when you want something."

"muffin!"

"I don't have a muffin!"

[laughter]
"I want a muffin!"

So, now you're trying to--
you ever try to do that?

You try to reach them, and
they're doing, like, the matrix,

They're doing the matrix.

I'm trying to...
I'm trying to pinch him.

You're not allowed to hit kids.
[laughter]

You're not allowed
to hit kids,

But there's nothing that
say you can't pinch 'em.

[laughter]

So I'm trying to pinch his calf,
and he's like this...

"muffin!"

[laughter]

That's the new thing,
the pinch.

That's my new thing,
I just pinch 'em.

Ow!

[laughter]

And they get older,
they're like,

"I can call social services."
I'm like, "call them.

"tell them I need a break from
you for a couple of weeks."

[laughter]

My son is very small.

I was very small.

He picked up that.

You know, that's one of
the things he got from me, is...

Small, so small.

Grade 10, I remember being
in grade 10, it was awful.

I was five feet tall, grade 10.
Think about that.

Think back to when you were in
grade 10, or if you have kids,

Five feet tall.

85 pounds.
Not cool, not big.

If I was that size today,
'cause we worry so much,

By law I'd have to be in a car
seat going to grade 10.

[laughter]
that's...

That's the cut-off,
85 pounds.

Can you imagine,
you're going to school,

Your buddy just got his g1 and
you're in the back, rear-facing?

[laughter]

"are we close?"
[laughter]

"I see that tree,
I know that tree."

[laughter]

Can you imagine?

Or you're going
to your semi formal,

Your dad's driving
your date in the front.

"hi, julie.

"I can't wait to see you."
[laughter]

"this five-point
harness is tight."

[laughter]

"any goldfish?
Any more goldfish?"

[laughter]

Are you ready to
get this started?

We got some great...

[applause]
yeah, some great comics.

[cheering]

[applause]

This performer is the mother
of two young children,

So she certainly knows
about temper tantrums.

She has them all the time.

Please welcome
rhiannon archer.

[applause]

♪

Rhiannon: I am so, so happy
to be here, guys.

I'm so, so happy
to be here because

I have a three-month-old
baby at home.

Oh, he's not the reason
I'm happy to be here.

I also have this
three-year-old boy at home.

And I'm just happy to talk
to anybody about anything

Other than paw patrol
and why I don't have a penis.

[laughter]

Um, I have to be honest,
I hated being pregnant.

I felt sick all the time;
I got really big;

I had another human being

Constantly punch
me from the inside.

You can't call
the cops on that.

But in any other scenario,
that's assault.

[laughter]

And I had to stop drinking...

In public.

[laughter]

Naming human beings
is very hard.

It's a very, very hard thing.

Um, I only ever
had one boy name,

So when I had my first son,
I was like,

"perfect, jude, done."

And when they told me that
I was having another boy,

I was like, "um...

"alfred?"

[laughter]

So I named my son alfred.

[laughter]

And I know you guys are
like, "oh, dick move!"

[laughter]
"that's not nice.

"how could you do that,
give him an old man name?

"he's just a baby!"

It's a big name
to go into, right?

But it's fine.
He suits it.

He's bald, he's got no teeth,
he's in a diaper.

He's essentially an old man!
[laughter]

Like, he's going to
grow into it, hopefully.

Like, that's the goal.

But I don't understand
names these days.

To me, it just seems
like you woke up,

And you looked out
the window and you're like,

"there, there it is."

'cause often
I'm getting, like,

"uh, this is our son river

"and our daughter leaf,

"and our other son racoon."

[laughter]

"it's spelled j-o-n,

"but we pronounce it
racoon ."

[laughter]

The new thing though now
these days is to, um,

Name your children
like old-timey names.

Like, we're getting a lot
of grandparent names,

Like eleanor and george
and, like, florence.

Which is great,
but what I'm excited for

Is when we start naming
kids after our parents.

Like, I'm dying to
meet a baby bruce.

[laughter]

Like, think about it,
we all know a bruce.

And at one point,
bruce was a baby.

[laughter]

It's weird!

[laughter]

Like, you gotta be a special
kind of person to be like,

"I'd like to introduce
our son, bruce,"

And not laugh.

[laughter]

Or the name barbara?

Baby barb?

[laughter]

You know if you name
your baby barb,

She's gonna come out with
the best pecan pie recipe.

[laughter]

My son jude though, um,

He's starting to do things
that really scare me.

Like, he's pointing out
the ghosts in our home.

[laughter]

Such a miracle.

[laughter]

The other night,
I'm tucking him in,

I read him a story, I sing
him a song, I give him a kiss,

And as I'm leaving,
he goes,

"mommy, can you ask
the man to leave?"

[laughter]

I'm like,
"oh, you mean daddy?"

[laughter]

He's like,
"no, the man behind you."

[laughter]

It's like,

"sure, I can ask
the man to leave,

"but the guy under your bed,
that's your problem.

"goodnight."
[laughter]

[applause]

The other morning,
I'm walking by his room,

And he's just waking up,
and he looks so beautiful

And all bright-eyed, and he
just looks at me and he goes,

"hi, mommy,
I'm back in my body now."

[laughter]

I'm like, "that's cool.

"as long as you're
not back in mine,

"we don't have a problem."

[laughter]

But a lot of millennials are
having kids now, which is great,

'cause that means, like,
a lot of stuff is gonna

Come back in fashion.

Like fanny packs,
skateboards, and measles.

[laughter]

I actually have a lot of
people ask me, they're like,

"did you vaccinate your kids?"

And I'm like, "buddy,

"I even vaccinated
my indoor cats,

"and I hate them."

[laughter]

I love now, though, the cool
thing to do for teens now,

Like the rebellious
badass thing to do,

Is to go behind their parents'
backs and get vaccinated.

[laughter]

Like, what's next,
going to school?

[laughter]
right?

But it's, like, I understand
it's kind of scary

To think of your kids getting
mixed up with needles.

But honestly, this is
the best-case scenario.

[laughter]

And if you guys
didn't laugh at that

Because you didn't
vaccinate your kids...

[laughter]

I just want to let you know
that I did my research...

[laughter]

And that was funny.

[laughter]

[applause]

Yay, health!

But listen,
kids are tough.

Kids are tough.

Like, they're exhausting.

They're frustrating.

They will drain the life out of
you, but like at the same time,

Kids are absolutely beautiful
and wonderful and magical,

And one of the most rewarding
things I've ever had

The pleasure of doing.

And I used to hear all
the time parents go, like,

"oh, I would die for my kids,
I would die for them."

And I honestly get
that sentiment now,

And some days I just
want to be given

That opportunity.
[laughter]

Thank you so much, guys.

[applause]

[applause]

Gerry: This comic believes
if we could see the world

Through the eyes of a child,
we'd probably forget

To pay our hydro bill.

Please give a big warm adult
welcome to john cullen!

[applause]

♪

John: Oh, thank you.

Thank you.
Hi, everyone.

Hi.
I'm... I'm a comedian.

That is my night job.

During the day, I am
a high school teacher.

Thank you, no one cares.
That's nice, that's good.

Nice winnipeg welcome,
appreciate it.

There's probably teachers in the
house who didn't clap for that,

So thank you very much
for your support.

Do we have any teachers
here tonight?

[applause]
john: Oh, wow, like, 70!

Thank you so much.
That is so kind of you.

The rest of my set is gonna
be delivered in a powerpoint,

Because I'm a teacher;
that's the only way I know

How to communicate now.

That is, yeah,
that's the way I do it.

When I'm ordering at
restaurants, that's what I do;

I just bring a powerpoint out.

I'm like, "yeah, these are the--
these are my choices.

"this is what
I like about this."

This powerpoint is
very special to me.

It is called "stupid shit
kids have said to me."

[laughter]

"and the stupid shit
I have said back."

[applause]

Thank you.

Uh, so I'm
a substitute teacher.

That is, that's what I do.

And so, this girl
came up to me one day,

And she was obviously very
confused about my job because,

Very nice girl,
but she was like,

"mr. Cullen,
what are you doing here?

"you're always just
randomly here."

[laughter]

"yeah, this is my job.

"I'm a substitute teacher."
"yeah, but, like,

"it's always so random
when you're here!"

"yeah, that's literally
my job description.

"I get a random callout,
and then I go where I'm told."

"yeah, but...
Okay, yeah, makes sense."

Sometimes, you know,
you just gotta let the wheel

Keep spinning around
a few more times.

They'll always catch up to it
at the end, you know?

Speaking of the wheel
spinning around,

I gave a project
to an english class.

You know, and I wanted them
to think about characters;

I wanted them to think about
personality traits, you know?

So what I had them do is
I had them think about things

That they notice
about themselves,

And then they would
interview their families

To see if their families agreed
with their personality traits.

So, this is an assignment
I got from a kid.

"wait, so you listed
high alcohol tolerance

"as a personality trait?"

[laughter]

16 years old.

A student goes,
"uh... Yeah."

And I go, "well, you realize
you have to interview your mom

"as part of this assignment."

"she has a high
alcohol tolerance too."

[laughter]

I did not know that was a
family skill that you pick up.

[laughter]

Kids always want to know
a lot about you, you know,

And I mention sometimes
that I like to play video games.

So a kid asked me,
you know,

"mr. Cullen, do you play
call of duty?"

And I said, "no, that's not
really my type of video game."

And the student said,
"oh, well, I'm really good.

"I have a modded controller."

Of course I'm an adult,
so I'm like,

"what does that mean?"

Student number 2 comes in with
some very helpful information:

"it means he's
never getting laid."

[laughter]

[applause]

[laughter]

Very smart kid,
student number 2.

[laughter]

So, this was a question I asked
to an elementary school kid,

Because that's a thing,
you know,

They have their things
going on in their mind

You can't comprehend,
so I asked the class,

"so, what's the difference
between mammals

"and non-mammals?"

And the kids said,
"non-mammals lay eggs,

"and mammals lay children."

[laughter]

It's very tough to explain
to an eight-year-old

That there has to be
a better way to say that.

[laughter]

So, this is the last slide,
and this is crazy.

Like, you know,
when you're a teacher,

You sit at the back of the room,
and you get to hear interactions

Between kids, and sometimes
you get to be a part

Of a real meeting
of the minds,

You know, where two of
your dumbest children

Enjoy a conversation.

Like, you're gonna read--
this is a real conversation

That happened between two kids,
and you're gonna see this,

And you're gonna be like,
"you know what?

"global warming,
speed it up.

"let's just..."
[laughter]

Let's make it-- well,
you're gonna go home

And turn your microwave on
and just leave it on.

You're gonna be like,
"you know what?

"let's just-- we're fine,
everything is okay,"

Because this is insane.
So these are, like, yeah,

Just picture two kids you went
to school with that just were

Maybe not the brightest
kids in the world.

These kids are
gonna blow them away

Because you got
student number 1:

"I want to be an astronaut,

"so I can be the first
person to land on the sun."

[laughter]

On the sun, I'm like,
pretty sure just by saying that,

Probably not gonna
be an astronaut.

Probably not...
[laughter]

Probably not in your future.

I don't know that
much about nasa,

But I'm pretty sure this is not
really what they're looking for.

Student number 2,
in a moment of genius, goes,

"you idiot,
you can't land on the sun.

"it's way too hot."

Student number 1, though,
he'd already thought about that:

"I know that, idiot.

"that's why I'm going
to land on it at night."

[laughter]

[applause]

[laughter]

You thought I was joking
about the microwave thing?

Defrost is the best setting
to speed up global warming.

Thank you guys very much.
Thank you so much.

Goodnight.

[applause]

♪

Gerry: For some people,
life is pretty black and white,

But if you do laundry
like this dad,

There's a lot of grey areas.

Please welcome the very funny
keith pedro!

[applause]

♪

Keith: Yeah!
Woo!

Winnipeg, we did it!

This is great.
I'm feeling excited.

It's amazing talking
about kids, yeah.

I was a dumb kid growing up.

Yeah, I was a dumb kid.

I did a lot of
crazy things.

There was one time
I got arrested at school.

Actually, no,
not one time.

I got arrested at school
twice.

But the first time
I got arrested was 2002,

I came home in handcuffs,

And a cop told me something
that I'll never forget.

My mom's crying,
this is what he says, he goes,

"keith, you can't sell
weed forever."

That's what he told me,
in 2002.

Buddy, I believed him,
you understand?

I believed him.

Fast forward to now
with legalization

And dispensaries opening up,
I'm here snapping, I'm pissed.

I'm like, "wait, what do you
mean I can't sell weed forever?

"these guys are selling ounces
and getting a t4 tax return!

"are you dumb?"
[laughter]

They got a government
job to put weed in bags.

They're getting holidays
off and health benefits.

Are you serious?

I wasted eight years
at swiss chalet,

'cause you told me
I couldn't do this!

[laughter]

Do you know how amazing my
resume would have been by now?

Shut up, constable hogan,
shut up!

[laughter]

No, but here's the thing.

I can't sell weed, though.

I can't sell dope anymore.
I'm a parent.

Yeah, I'm a dad.

Do you know what sucks about
being a comedian and a dad?

There's a lot of
these expectations.

Everybody is like, "keith, you
gotta post more social media.

"you gotta post
more social media."

Guys, I'm a family man.
I'm a dad.

My life is boring, okay?

I'm not gonna get
likes and views

When a post a video of me
spending $468 at costco!

No, right?

You think people want to watch
me spend an afternoon

Going through
kirkland products?

Are you serious?
[laughter]

$468, I'm not
gonna go viral

When people see me
make that purchase

In three methods of payment.

Are you serious?

[laughter]

The worst, though--
can I tell you the worst thing?

Is open bar gigs.

You can't be a dad
when you do open bar gigs.

And I did this one gig,
okay, at a golf course:

Open bar, taxi chits.

You know what means?

We'll get you hammered,
we'll drive your ass home,

And that's exactly
what happened.

You know, hennessy,
jameson, heineken, I'm lit!

I'm spitting on the floor,
I'm stumbling in my house.

Guys, here's my son,
he's playing playstation, right?

And, you know, kids nowadays,
when they play playstation,

Everything,
everything is online.

So no one comes over
to the house.

Everything's on
their headset, right?

So here he is;
he's screaming, you know,

In his headset: "shut up,
I don't care, rematch, ha-ha!"

So, yeah, I'm like,
"hey, venicio!

"what's the matter
with you, bro?"

Side note,
I named my son venicio,

Like benicio del toro,
but with a v.

Venicio, 'cause I wanted
to give this asian kid

A spanish and italian name,

So when companies
have to hire minorities,

He knocks off every
quota, you know?

[laughter]

A lot of opportunity there.

I think about the future.
What?

Yes, I know!
Back to the story, okay.

[laughter]

I go, "venicio, what's
the matter with you?

"why are you screaming, bro?"

He goes, "dad, my friend
from school, andy,

"beat me three times
in nba 2k basketball,

"and he keeps talking smack.

"what am I supposed to do?

"what am I supposed to do?!"

I was drunk, I said, "son,
give me that controller, bro!

"give me that!"

I put the headset on,
I grabbed the mic, and I go,

"andy, this is my house!

"you beat my son three times,
congratulations, bro,

"you made it
to the final boss!

"this is the last level.

"pick your team,
let's do this."

He picks his team,
I pick my team,

We start going at it.

Halftime hits,
I'm whipping this kid's ass

By 22 points.
22 points!

I'm cocky, I'm drunk,

I'm feeling like denzel
in training day.

[laughter]

I bump my chest, I go,
"andy, you know what?

"andy, know what?

"if you catch up and beat me,

"I will drop off pizza for
your whole class on Monday."

That's right.

Yeah, I thought it was a smart
move, you know what I mean?

I was drunk,
I was hammered,

This kid caught up
and beat me, guys!

Embarrassing.
I was drunk,

I was doing unnecessary
alley-oops and half-court shots.

It wasn't a good look.

Here I am defeated,
with my son.

I go, "wow, great game, andy.

"uh, looks like
I owe you pizza, bro.

"um, do you have any
dietary preferences

"I should know about?"
[laughter]

So, Monday hits,
I go to my son's class,

Grade four at the time,
mrs. Telkie was the teacher.

"hi, mrs. Telkie,
I'm here to drop off pizza

"for the whole class.
I'm venicio's father."

Whole class goes nuts.

They're like, "whoa,
pizza party, yeah!"

They start chucking
lunches out the window.

Sandwiches are in the sky.

They're loving it; they're
having a great time, right?

Go, "hey, venicio,
here's the pizza.

"where's andy?
Let me congratulate the kid."

I swear to god on my life,

My son looks at me,
he goes,

"dad...
Andy's not in my class."

[laughter]

I'm like,
"what?!"

He's like, "yeah, grade six,
upstairs, mrs. Brown's class."

I'm like,
"are you serious?

"you had all weekend
to tell me that!"

[laughter]

So I grab the pizza box,

I close it
and take it with me,

I'm like, "sorry, guys,
I gotta go."

They're like, "whoa!
Where you going, man?

"how am I supposed
to eat my lunch now?

"my sandwich is stuck
in the vents!"

So I go upstairs
to mrs. Brown's class, I go,

"hey, mrs. Brown.

"I'm here to drop off
pizza for the class.

"the pizza's for andy."

The class goes nuts,
they're like, "woo, yeah!"

She goes, "come right on in.
Are you andy's father?"

I was like, "uh, no."
she's like, "what?"

I'm like, "yeah, I don't...
I don't know andy personally."

She goes, "wait,
what do you mean

"you don't know andy
personally?"

I'm like,
"guys, like I just...

"I only met, like,
andy through, like...

"you know what I mean?
I just heard his his voice.

"I didn't even know
what he looked like.

"you know what I mean?"
so I stumbled over my words.

I was like, "I don't know,
I met andy online."

She goes,
"online?!"

[laughter]

And that was the second time
I got arrested at school, guys.

[laughter]

Yo, winnipeg, my name
is keith pedro!

Thank you guys very much!

[applause]

-Knit family
will leave you in stitches!
Thank you guys very much!

It's preeti torul!

[applause]

♪

Preeti: Guys, how are you?

Winnipeg, how you feelin'?

Yes!

[applause]

Guys, I grew up
in a one-bedroom apartment

With five other people.

Audience member: Oof.
Preeti: "oof" is right.

I grew up in a one-bedroom
apartment with my brother,

My mother,
my father, my uncle,

My grandmother, and me.

Guys, do you know
what it's like

To share a bed
with your grandmother

Until you're 16 years old?

[laughter]

Do you know what it's like

To sleep next
to your grandmother

And she spoons you in
the middle of the night?

[laughter]

And her senior-citizen,

Cracked, scaly skin

Cuts your prepubescent
skin under the sheets,

And you wake up
with a thousand paper cuts?

Do you know
what that's like?

[laughter]

Guys...

Do you know what it's like

To watch your grandmother

Read the bible
in french before bed,

Despite the fact that
you were raised hindu?

[laughter]

Guys...

Do you know what it's like

To get your period
next to your grandmother?

She thinks you're possessed...

[laughter]

You think you're sick.

Guys...

Do you know what
it's like to masturbate

Next to your grandmother?

[laughter]

I do.

[laughter]

I did not know I was poor
until I was 14 years old,

And here's how I found out.

I went over to my friend
katrina's house

For her birthday party,

And as soon as I got to her
house, she opened the door,

And there was a grand staircase,
and the first thing

That she said to me was,
"come up to my room."

And I was like,
"what the hell is a room?"

[laughter]

As soon as
we got to her room,

There was no grandmother
sleeping in the bed.

There was no table
setting for six people.

There was no rajneesh commune
going about their day.

There was just her.

And then our friend showed up,

And so katrina said,

"hey, let's go
to the basement."

And I was like, "basement?"

'cause in the basement
of our apartment building

Is where the incinerator was,

So I wasn't quite sure
what she meant.

Guys...

It was a finished basement.

[laughter]

It was literally a house

Underneath another house.

[laughter]

Okay, this chick
had two houses!

I'm trying to get off
next to my grandmother,

This chick has two houses.

Okay?

Even the holidays
were awkward for me.

I remember-- do you guys
remember singing

Christmas carols
with your class

In the main foyer
of your school?

Everyone would get together and
sing christmas carols as a kid?

Do you guys remember that?

[applause]
yeah.

So we would be down there
singing christmas carols,

And I remember one year
we were singing,

And my class just burst
into this boisterous song,

And all of a sudden I was
listening to the lyrics

And I was getting so upset,

And I started crying.

And then my friend came up
to me, and she was like,

"why are you crying?"

And I was like,
"this song isn't for me."

Guys...

They were singing
"white christmas."

[laughter]

I literally went home that day
to my father crying,

And I was like,
"oh my god,

"this school made me
sing this mean song.

"they were so mean to me!

"they made me sing
white christmas!"

And my dad literally
looked at me,

Took a deep breath,

And said,

"they're talking about snow."

And I was like,
"ohhh!

"that makes
so much more sense!"

I just thought my school hated
brown people at christmastime.

[laughter]

Guys, thank you so much.
You've been great.

My name's preeti!

[applause]

♪

Gerry: This very funny dad

Hails from the province
of new brunswick,

Where the mighty miramichi
meets the flow

Of the equalization payments.

How about a big welcome
for tim steeves!

[applause]

♪

♪

Tim: Thank you.
Thank you so much, winnipeg.

I think I'm pretty typical
when it comes to kids.

You know?

Love mine,
not crazy about yours.

[laughter]

Mine's a miracle, a brilliant
gift to the universe.

Yours is getting on
my nerves a little bit,

You know what I mean?
[laughter]

I get offended when people ask
you if you're gonna have kids.

You know, the pushy relatives
get in your face.

"you having kids?
You have another kid?

"when are we having a baby?"
right?

I was always offended by that,
you know what I mean?

Just walking right up.

I always had my
pat answer, right?

I was always like,
"I'm ejaculating in my wife!"

[laughter]

"aunt sylvie?

Aunt sylvia!

No contraception!

We're barebacking it,
sylvie!"

[laughter]

"sylvie, I thought
you had questions!"

[laughter]

You loosen up
as you go, right?

It's all helicopter parenting
if you have one kid,

But you have a few more,
you loosen up, don't ya?

You let out a little
more rope, right?

The first kid's all
helicopter parenting.

By the third kid,
he's spot-welding a toaster

On the edge of
the bathtub.

[laughter]

Yeah.

Oh, he loves that toaster.

[laughter]

But yeah, we have
the only child,

So we're very protective.

Too precious, you know?

Like, for example,
we won't let him sleep in bed

With any middle-aged men.

No matter how rich
or famous they are.

[laughter]

We're just sticklers on that.

That's a deal-breaker for us.

We don't want to end up
on the wrong side

Of a netflix
documentary, right?

"they were just playing video
games till they fell asleep!"

[laughter]

I don't know, man.

I went to my boy's
holiday pageant

In the gymnasium
last December.

Holiday pageant, right?

They should just call
that what it is, you know?

A tremendous gathering of milfs
in the gymnasium.

[laughter]

Oh yeah, grade 3 moms,
right in the sweet spot.

[laughter]

That is-- that's my
strike zone, right there.

[laughter]

Oh, yeah.

All the kids get an award.

We all complain
about that, right?

All the kids get-- everyone has
to get an award now, you know?

They gave my kid
the perseverance award.

Shut up.

[laughter]

Perseverance,
what kind of bullshit

Is that condescending?

Why not just, "way to go,
I'm not quitting grade 2"?

[laughter]

Perseverance award.

The "almost-always
has pants on trophy."

[laughter]

But then, we had him diagnosed
and he's got dyslexia,

So I realize
he probably earned

His little perseverance
award, right?

'cause all the letters
are in 3d

And floating around
a little bit.

He's trying to learn to read
and write like his old man

On six scotches,
for fuck's sake.

[laughter]

He didn't even get
to enjoy the scotches.

Must have lots of parents
here tonight, right?

[clapping]

Tim: You just do the best
you can, right, sir?

Audience member: I try.
Tim: You try.

That's it!

And that was the perfect
amount of try.

Dude's, "oh, I try!"
[laughter]

"yeah, oh yeah."

You do the best you can.

We forgot to be tooth fairy.

Audience: Aw!
Tim: Oh, yeah.

Aw, it sucks.

You know, well, tooth fairy
had a couple of glasses of wine

And she fell asleep
watching outlander.

It happens!
[laughter]

Right?

You do the best you can.

Went into the bathroom
the other night,

And he's got a real good
midsection lather going, right?

It's like just a huge
lather in his crotch, right?

And I walk in and he just
immediately, "don't rinse it!

"don't rinse it!"

[laughter]

Hey, pal,
this is your show.

[laughter]

You want your music
back on, or what?

How's the lighting?
Lighting good?

I guess if I have one thing,
summing up tonight,

If I could give
one bit of advice

To new parents,

I guess it would be

Get a king-size bed.

You don't even have to
see each other anymore,

You know what I mean?

You're like
in a different county.

If you do even rub
elbows, it's like,

"what the hell are
you doing over here?"

[laughter]

"get back to your own..."

I'm like an old cowboy
with a toothpick.

"you lost, little lady?"

[laughter]

[applause]

"how did you get over here
to the bad side of the bed?"

[laughter]

Thank you so much,
winnipeg.

Thanks a lot.

[applause]

♪

♪

Gerry: Having kids can really
make you start thinking

About the future, like...

"what am I gonna
give them for lunch?"

Please welcome ian sirota!

[applause]

♪

Ian: Well,
thank you very much.

I have three kids.

They're in the van right now,
so I gotta be fast.

[laughter]

I have a 25-year-old,
I have a 10-year-old,

And I have a 4-year-old.

Yup, I've had sex
three times in my life.

I like to spread it out.
[laughter]

I have girls and boys.

Do you think, winnipeg, it's
harder to raise girls or boys?

Audience: Girls.

Girls by like a million
miles, right?

Because little boys
are brave and foolish,

And little girls
are smart and evil.

[laughter]

I'll give you
an example, okay?

Like, if a little boy
sees a big tree,

For some reason in
his head he'll think,

"I can climb up
that tree,"

'cause he's brave
and foolish, right?

And he'll climb up to the top
of the tree where the branches

Are thin, and maybe
a limb will snap,

And he'll come
tumbling to the ground,

Maybe break an arm
or a leg or something.

A little girl will see
that same big tree,

And she'll turn to
her brother and say,

"I bet you can't
climb up that tree."

[laughter]

"a little higher, moron."

[applause]

I remember the first time
I was a bad example

For my daughter, delilah.
She was four years old.

I lie to my children.
Do you lie to your kids?

[audience cheering]
you gotta, right.

The world's a horrible place.

I remember the first time
I lied to delilah, I, um...

It's a true story;
I walked outside,

My cat had killed a mouse

And left the mouse
on the porch step,

And it had been there
a while; there were, like,

Flies all over the mouse,
and my daughter loves animals;

She was devastated.

She's like, "what happened
to that mouse, daddy?

What happened to that
poor little mouse?

What happened?"

Well, I could have told her
the truth, I could said,

"well, the cat killed that mouse
'cause he thinks he's dexter..."

[laughter]

"...And now those flies are
eating its rotting flesh.

"sleep tight, sweet princess!"

But I didn't do that.
I lied to my daughter.

I said, "no, no, no, sweetheart,
what happened there was

"the mouse had the wind
knocked out of him,

"and now those nice flies are
blowing the wind back into him,

"and now daddy's gonna help this
mouse out by picking him up

"with this no-frills bag

"that I paid good money for,

"and giving him some privacy
in this garbage can."

[laughter]

So I decided what I did that day
was I'd write down all the lies

I told my daughter and share
them with you guys tonight.

So, these are lies
I tell my kids.

You can tell them
to your kids too.

I told my daughter these
lies that very day.

There's a lot of them.
[laughter]

Alright.

"mcdonald's is closed
on wednesdays."

[laughter]

[applause]

"what's that smell
in my office?

"I think there was
a skunk in here."

[laughter]

"I like caillou, too!"

[laughter]

Now, I would never ever,
ever hit my children,

But I would beat the
living piss out of caillou.

[laughter]

[applause]

Lies I tell my kids.

"I said, 'duck.'"

[laughter]

"mommy said,
'duck me harder.'"

[laughter]

You weren't there.

[laughter]

"when the ice cream
truck plays music,

"it means he's
out of ice cream."

[laughter]

"the leafs are
gonna win the cup."

[laughter]

[applause]

And finally, "oh, it looks like
the skunk made his way

"into the van."
[laughter]

Thanks.

[applause]

[applause]

You think we coddle
our children,

Treat them like they're made out
of glass, we bubble-wrap them?

We weren't treated
like that, right?

Something as simple
as a car seat.

I didn't have a car seat
when I was a kid.

I didn't even have a seatbelt
when I was a kid.

You know, your parents used
to throw you the back

Of the station waggon,
you'd bounce around like dice

Inside a yahtzee cup?

[laughter]

Then my mom would roll up
the window and chain smoke

All the way to my aunt's house.

I'd be like, "I can't breathe."
she'd be like, "shut up!"

[laughter]

"who said you could
speak back there?"

Then my dad would pipe up,
"why don't you both shut up?

"I almost spilled
my scotch up here!"

[laughter]

"I'm trying to drink
and drive, goddammit!

"let me concentrate!

"oh, look, my knee fell
off the steering wheel.

"thanks."
[laughter]

[applause]

Anybody have a mom who used
to make you buy her smokes?

My mom used to make me
buy smokes at the arena

When I was like
a little kid.

Imagine doing that nowadays
with facebook and cellphones?

You'd go to jail!

Back then, my mom would
send me through a minefield

Of paedophiles
and drug-dealers

For a pack of
du maurier special milds.

[laughter]

And my old man,
I had a tough old man.

Like, he worked hard
and he played hard.

I saw my dad once
a year on vacation.

That's when I'd see my dad.

And one year we went to florida;
we've all done that trip,

Where you go to florida
and you park,

And one side's the beach and the
other side's the picnic area,

And my dad took us
over to the picnic area

And tried to get
the barbecue goin',

And he blew up two floats
for me and my brother,

And told us to go
float out in the ocean.

[laughter]

Didn't give us water wings,
or a life preserver.

Nobody helicopter
parented us to the beach.

Just, "go ahead,
I'll make more."

[laughter]

Of course we go out there, five
minutes in, a big wave hits me,

Pushes me down to
the ocean floor,

I get washed up
on the shoreline.

I remember my fingers
were in the sand,

I'm trying to
hold on for life.

That's when I felt
the undertow grab me

And pull me straight
back in, right?

Last thing I remember.

Next thing I remember
there's a lifeguard over me

And I'm coughing up water,
and that lifeguard,

He took me and my brother
back over the parking lot

To where my dad finally
had the barbecue going.

[laughter]

And he said
to my old man,

"your boy, he almost
drowned tonight.

"you almost lost your son."

And I'll never forget
what my dad said,

'cause it was a
different generation,

A different time
back then, he said,

"you want a hotdog
or a hamburger?"

[laughter]

[applause]

"hotdog!
Why won't you love us?"

[laughter]

Anyways, I just
want to thank you.

My mom's from winnipeg.

This is my first
time in winnipeg.

I want to dedicate
my set to my mom.

Thank you very much
for having me here.

Thank you, winnipeg!

[applause]

♪

Gerry: All right,
well, listen,

That is it for
our kids stuff show.

Yeah, I know.
[applause]

For those of you who have kids,

Thanks for managing to stay
awake till the end of the show.

For those of you who don't
have kids, go back to your

Selfish, dazzling,
exciting lives,

Where none of your furniture
is covered in crayon.

I hate you.
Goodnight, everybody!

Thank you!
[applause]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪