Original subtitles

♪

Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival presents,

Kids stuff!

Here's your host, gerry dee!

Gerry: Hello!

[applause]

Oh, thank you very much, winnipeg!

Welcome to the kids stuff show.

Who has kids, right?

Everybody... In here? [light applause]

No? Some...

Don't know why you're here.

Not gonna understand any of this.

I have three kids. We have three kids.

I guess there's two of us doing this,

My wife and I.

Married 12 years.

We're monogamous.

That's fun, isn't it, monogamous?

[laughter]

You're afraid to laugh 'cause you're with your spouse.

[laughter]

You're like, "I love it.

"I love being monogamous, honey."

We don't. No one does.

And we have three kids,

So we're monogamous and now celibate.

It's a wonderful... [laughter]

No time.

My wife seems to think I want a fourth kid.

I don't.

I don't want a fourth kid.

Yet in her mind, every day,

I'm going to try for the fourth kid.

I am not.

She comes down to the kitchen every morning, 9 o'clock,

Thinking I want her.

[laughter] I don't.

I don't want ya... [laughter]

Right now, or later maybe.

A very big maybe.

She wears a robe every morning.

She goes up,

Puts her robe on, comes down,

"oh boy, I better put my robe on.

"he's gonna try to jump my bones."

No, I'm not.

[laughter] no.

She triple-knots it, that's how confident she is.

She triple-knots the robe.

A little cocky.

I'm not gonna take it off.

I might add a fourth knot, I might add a fourth knot.

[laughter]

Unless you come down with, like, a black wig

And a spanish accent, it's still you, right?

Same person. [laughter]

Mix it up a little.

My wife and I talk about divorce about once a week.

Do you do that?

Just, just something you do in marriage when you have kids.

You talk about divorce.

I usually bring the kids in the room,

Do it in front of them,

'cause they're the reason we're talking about divorce.

[laughter]

No way I'll get divorced.

No way.

I even told my wife, "go ahead, have an affair.

"because if you think I'm leaving ya,

"it's not happening, all right?

"I don't want the three kids every fourth day by myself."

[laughter] that's...

That's the deterrent right there.

[laughter]

It is a different world now with our kids.

They talk back.

I remember driving my son, he was four,

He's now six,

And he won't remember this, so I'm gonna tell the story,

So he can watch it for the rest of his life on television.

But I was on the highway,

And he was in the back, right,

And he says out of nowhere,

"I want a muffin."

It's stupid, right? Like, I don't...

I don't have a basket of muffins.

Like, what is this, like a muffin store?

Just, "yeah, sure, which one do you want?

"I got a bunch." just, that's what he wanted.

"I want a muffin!"

Starts raising his voice.

And I'm talking to him in the rearview.

I'm saying, "I don't have any muffins.

"stop saying that.

"and say 'please' when you want something."

"muffin!"

"I don't have a muffin!"

[laughter] "I want a muffin!"

So, now you're trying to-- you ever try to do that?

You try to reach them, and they're doing, like, the matrix,

They're doing the matrix.

I'm trying to... I'm trying to pinch him.

You're not allowed to hit kids. [laughter]

You're not allowed to hit kids,

But there's nothing that say you can't pinch 'em.

[laughter]

So I'm trying to pinch his calf, and he's like this...

"muffin!"

[laughter]

That's the new thing, the pinch.

That's my new thing, I just pinch 'em.

Ow!

[laughter]

And they get older, they're like,

"I can call social services." I'm like, "call them.

"tell them I need a break from you for a couple of weeks."

[laughter]

My son is very small.

I was very small.

He picked up that.

You know, that's one of the things he got from me, is...

Small, so small.

Grade 10, I remember being in grade 10, it was awful.

I was five feet tall, grade 10. Think about that.

Think back to when you were in grade 10, or if you have kids,

Five feet tall.

85 pounds. Not cool, not big.

If I was that size today, 'cause we worry so much,

By law I'd have to be in a car seat going to grade 10.

[laughter] that's...

That's the cut-off, 85 pounds.

Can you imagine, you're going to school,

Your buddy just got his g1 and you're in the back, rear-facing?

[laughter]

"are we close?" [laughter]

"I see that tree, I know that tree."

[laughter]

Can you imagine?

Or you're going to your semi formal,

Your dad's driving your date in the front.

"hi, julie.

"I can't wait to see you." [laughter]

"this five-point harness is tight."

[laughter]

"any goldfish? Any more goldfish?"

[laughter]

Are you ready to get this started?

We got some great...

[applause] yeah, some great comics.

[cheering]

[applause]

This performer is the mother of two young children,

So she certainly knows about temper tantrums.

She has them all the time.

Please welcome rhiannon archer.

[applause]

♪

Rhiannon: I am so, so happy to be here, guys.

I'm so, so happy to be here because

I have a three-month-old baby at home.

Oh, he's not the reason I'm happy to be here.

I also have this three-year-old boy at home.

And I'm just happy to talk to anybody about anything

Other than paw patrol and why I don't have a penis.

[laughter]

Um, I have to be honest, I hated being pregnant.

I felt sick all the time; I got really big;

I had another human being

Constantly punch me from the inside.

You can't call the cops on that.

But in any other scenario, that's assault.

[laughter]

And I had to stop drinking...

In public.

[laughter]

Naming human beings is very hard.

It's a very, very hard thing.

Um, I only ever had one boy name,

So when I had my first son, I was like,

"perfect, jude, done."

And when they told me that I was having another boy,

I was like, "um...

"alfred?"

[laughter]

So I named my son alfred.

[laughter]

And I know you guys are like, "oh, dick move!"

[laughter] "that's not nice.

"how could you do that, give him an old man name?

"he's just a baby!"

It's a big name to go into, right?

But it's fine. He suits it.

He's bald, he's got no teeth, he's in a diaper.

He's essentially an old man! [laughter]

Like, he's going to grow into it, hopefully.

Like, that's the goal.

But I don't understand names these days.

To me, it just seems like you woke up,

And you looked out the window and you're like,

"there, there it is."

'cause often I'm getting, like,

"uh, this is our son river

"and our daughter leaf,

"and our other son racoon."

[laughter]

"it's spelled j-o-n,

"but we pronounce it racoon ."

[laughter]

The new thing though now these days is to, um,

Name your children like old-timey names.

Like, we're getting a lot of grandparent names,

Like eleanor and george and, like, florence.

Which is great, but what I'm excited for

Is when we start naming kids after our parents.

Like, I'm dying to meet a baby bruce.

[laughter]

Like, think about it, we all know a bruce.

And at one point, bruce was a baby.

[laughter]

It's weird!

[laughter]

Like, you gotta be a special kind of person to be like,

"I'd like to introduce our son, bruce,"

And not laugh.

[laughter]

Or the name barbara?

Baby barb?

[laughter]

You know if you name your baby barb,

She's gonna come out with the best pecan pie recipe.

[laughter]

My son jude though, um,

He's starting to do things that really scare me.

Like, he's pointing out the ghosts in our home.

[laughter]

Such a miracle.

[laughter]

The other night, I'm tucking him in,

I read him a story, I sing him a song, I give him a kiss,

And as I'm leaving, he goes,

"mommy, can you ask the man to leave?"

[laughter]

I'm like, "oh, you mean daddy?"

[laughter]

He's like, "no, the man behind you."

[laughter]

It's like,

"sure, I can ask the man to leave,

"but the guy under your bed, that's your problem.

"goodnight." [laughter]

[applause]

The other morning, I'm walking by his room,

And he's just waking up, and he looks so beautiful

And all bright-eyed, and he just looks at me and he goes,

"hi, mommy, I'm back in my body now."

[laughter]

I'm like, "that's cool.

"as long as you're not back in mine,

"we don't have a problem."

[laughter]

But a lot of millennials are having kids now, which is great,

'cause that means, like, a lot of stuff is gonna

Come back in fashion.

Like fanny packs, skateboards, and measles.

[laughter]

I actually have a lot of people ask me, they're like,

"did you vaccinate your kids?"

And I'm like, "buddy,

"I even vaccinated my indoor cats,

"and I hate them."

[laughter]

I love now, though, the cool thing to do for teens now,

Like the rebellious badass thing to do,

Is to go behind their parents' backs and get vaccinated.

[laughter]

Like, what's next, going to school?

[laughter] right?

But it's, like, I understand it's kind of scary

To think of your kids getting mixed up with needles.

But honestly, this is the best-case scenario.

[laughter]

And if you guys didn't laugh at that

Because you didn't vaccinate your kids...

[laughter]

I just want to let you know that I did my research...

[laughter]

And that was funny.

[laughter]

[applause]

Yay, health!

But listen, kids are tough.

Kids are tough.

Like, they're exhausting.

They're frustrating.

They will drain the life out of you, but like at the same time,

Kids are absolutely beautiful and wonderful and magical,

And one of the most rewarding things I've ever had

The pleasure of doing.

And I used to hear all the time parents go, like,

"oh, I would die for my kids, I would die for them."

And I honestly get that sentiment now,

And some days I just want to be given

That opportunity. [laughter]

Thank you so much, guys.

[applause]

[applause]

Gerry: This comic believes if we could see the world

Through the eyes of a child, we'd probably forget

To pay our hydro bill.

Please give a big warm adult welcome to john cullen!

[applause]

♪

John: Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Hi, everyone.

Hi. I'm... I'm a comedian.

That is my night job.

During the day, I am a high school teacher.

Thank you, no one cares. That's nice, that's good.

Nice winnipeg welcome, appreciate it.

There's probably teachers in the house who didn't clap for that,

So thank you very much for your support.

Do we have any teachers here tonight?

[applause] john: Oh, wow, like, 70!

Thank you so much. That is so kind of you.

The rest of my set is gonna be delivered in a powerpoint,

Because I'm a teacher; that's the only way I know

How to communicate now.

That is, yeah, that's the way I do it.

When I'm ordering at restaurants, that's what I do;

I just bring a powerpoint out.

I'm like, "yeah, these are the-- these are my choices.

"this is what I like about this."

This powerpoint is very special to me.

It is called "stupid shit kids have said to me."

[laughter]

"and the stupid shit I have said back."

[applause]

Thank you.

Uh, so I'm a substitute teacher.

That is, that's what I do.

And so, this girl came up to me one day,

And she was obviously very confused about my job because,

Very nice girl, but she was like,

"mr. Cullen, what are you doing here?

"you're always just randomly here."

[laughter]

"yeah, this is my job.

"I'm a substitute teacher." "yeah, but, like,

"it's always so random when you're here!"

"yeah, that's literally my job description.

"I get a random callout, and then I go where I'm told."

"yeah, but... Okay, yeah, makes sense."

Sometimes, you know, you just gotta let the wheel

Keep spinning around a few more times.

They'll always catch up to it at the end, you know?

Speaking of the wheel spinning around,

I gave a project to an english class.

You know, and I wanted them to think about characters;

I wanted them to think about personality traits, you know?

So what I had them do is I had them think about things

That they notice about themselves,

And then they would interview their families

To see if their families agreed with their personality traits.

So, this is an assignment I got from a kid.

"wait, so you listed high alcohol tolerance

"as a personality trait?"

[laughter]

16 years old.

A student goes, "uh... Yeah."

And I go, "well, you realize you have to interview your mom

"as part of this assignment."

"she has a high alcohol tolerance too."

[laughter]

I did not know that was a family skill that you pick up.

[laughter]

Kids always want to know a lot about you, you know,

And I mention sometimes that I like to play video games.

So a kid asked me, you know,

"mr. Cullen, do you play call of duty?"

And I said, "no, that's not really my type of video game."

And the student said, "oh, well, I'm really good.

"I have a modded controller."

Of course I'm an adult, so I'm like,

"what does that mean?"

Student number 2 comes in with some very helpful information:

"it means he's never getting laid."

[laughter]

[applause]

[laughter]

Very smart kid, student number 2.

[laughter]

So, this was a question I asked to an elementary school kid,

Because that's a thing, you know,

They have their things going on in their mind

You can't comprehend, so I asked the class,

"so, what's the difference between mammals

"and non-mammals?"

And the kids said, "non-mammals lay eggs,

"and mammals lay children."

[laughter]

It's very tough to explain to an eight-year-old

That there has to be a better way to say that.

[laughter]

So, this is the last slide, and this is crazy.

Like, you know, when you're a teacher,

You sit at the back of the room, and you get to hear interactions

Between kids, and sometimes you get to be a part

Of a real meeting of the minds,

You know, where two of your dumbest children

Enjoy a conversation.

Like, you're gonna read-- this is a real conversation

That happened between two kids, and you're gonna see this,

And you're gonna be like, "you know what?

"global warming, speed it up.

"let's just..." [laughter]

Let's make it-- well, you're gonna go home

And turn your microwave on and just leave it on.

You're gonna be like, "you know what?

"let's just-- we're fine, everything is okay,"

Because this is insane. So these are, like, yeah,

Just picture two kids you went to school with that just were

Maybe not the brightest kids in the world.

These kids are gonna blow them away

Because you got student number 1:

"I want to be an astronaut,

"so I can be the first person to land on the sun."

[laughter]

On the sun, I'm like, pretty sure just by saying that,

Probably not gonna be an astronaut.

Probably not... [laughter]

Probably not in your future.

I don't know that much about nasa,

But I'm pretty sure this is not really what they're looking for.

Student number 2, in a moment of genius, goes,

"you idiot, you can't land on the sun.

"it's way too hot."

Student number 1, though, he'd already thought about that:

"I know that, idiot.

"that's why I'm going to land on it at night."

[laughter]

[applause]

[laughter]

You thought I was joking about the microwave thing?

Defrost is the best setting to speed up global warming.

Thank you guys very much. Thank you so much.

Goodnight.

[applause]

♪

Gerry: For some people, life is pretty black and white,

But if you do laundry like this dad,

There's a lot of grey areas.

Please welcome the very funny keith pedro!

[applause]

♪

Keith: Yeah! Woo!

Winnipeg, we did it!

This is great. I'm feeling excited.

It's amazing talking about kids, yeah.

I was a dumb kid growing up.

Yeah, I was a dumb kid.

I did a lot of crazy things.

There was one time I got arrested at school.

Actually, no, not one time.

I got arrested at school twice.

But the first time I got arrested was 2002,

I came home in handcuffs,

And a cop told me something that I'll never forget.

My mom's crying, this is what he says, he goes,

"keith, you can't sell weed forever."

That's what he told me, in 2002.

Buddy, I believed him, you understand?

I believed him.

Fast forward to now with legalization

And dispensaries opening up, I'm here snapping, I'm pissed.

I'm like, "wait, what do you mean I can't sell weed forever?

"these guys are selling ounces and getting a t4 tax return!

"are you dumb?" [laughter]

They got a government job to put weed in bags.

They're getting holidays off and health benefits.

Are you serious?

I wasted eight years at swiss chalet,

'cause you told me I couldn't do this!

[laughter]

Do you know how amazing my resume would have been by now?

Shut up, constable hogan, shut up!

[laughter]

No, but here's the thing.

I can't sell weed, though.

I can't sell dope anymore. I'm a parent.

Yeah, I'm a dad.

Do you know what sucks about being a comedian and a dad?

There's a lot of these expectations.

Everybody is like, "keith, you gotta post more social media.

"you gotta post more social media."

Guys, I'm a family man. I'm a dad.

My life is boring, okay?

I'm not gonna get likes and views

When a post a video of me spending $468 at costco!

No, right?

You think people want to watch me spend an afternoon

Going through kirkland products?

Are you serious? [laughter]

$468, I'm not gonna go viral

When people see me make that purchase

In three methods of payment.

Are you serious?

[laughter]

The worst, though-- can I tell you the worst thing?

Is open bar gigs.

You can't be a dad when you do open bar gigs.

And I did this one gig, okay, at a golf course:

Open bar, taxi chits.

You know what means?

We'll get you hammered, we'll drive your ass home,

And that's exactly what happened.

You know, hennessy, jameson, heineken, I'm lit!

I'm spitting on the floor, I'm stumbling in my house.

Guys, here's my son, he's playing playstation, right?

And, you know, kids nowadays, when they play playstation,

Everything, everything is online.

So no one comes over to the house.

Everything's on their headset, right?

So here he is; he's screaming, you know,

In his headset: "shut up, I don't care, rematch, ha-ha!"

So, yeah, I'm like, "hey, venicio!

"what's the matter with you, bro?"

Side note, I named my son venicio,

Like benicio del toro, but with a v.

Venicio, 'cause I wanted to give this asian kid

A spanish and italian name,

So when companies have to hire minorities,

He knocks off every quota, you know?

[laughter]

A lot of opportunity there.

I think about the future. What?

Yes, I know! Back to the story, okay.

[laughter]

I go, "venicio, what's the matter with you?

"why are you screaming, bro?"

He goes, "dad, my friend from school, andy,

"beat me three times in nba 2k basketball,

"and he keeps talking smack.

"what am I supposed to do?

"what am I supposed to do?!"

I was drunk, I said, "son, give me that controller, bro!

"give me that!"

I put the headset on, I grabbed the mic, and I go,

"andy, this is my house!

"you beat my son three times, congratulations, bro,

"you made it to the final boss!

"this is the last level.

"pick your team, let's do this."

He picks his team, I pick my team,

We start going at it.

Halftime hits, I'm whipping this kid's ass

By 22 points. 22 points!

I'm cocky, I'm drunk,

I'm feeling like denzel in training day.

[laughter]

I bump my chest, I go, "andy, you know what?

"andy, know what?

"if you catch up and beat me,

"I will drop off pizza for your whole class on Monday."

That's right.

Yeah, I thought it was a smart move, you know what I mean?

I was drunk, I was hammered,

This kid caught up and beat me, guys!

Embarrassing. I was drunk,

I was doing unnecessary alley-oops and half-court shots.

It wasn't a good look.

Here I am defeated, with my son.

I go, "wow, great game, andy.

"uh, looks like I owe you pizza, bro.

"um, do you have any dietary preferences

"I should know about?" [laughter]

So, Monday hits, I go to my son's class,

Grade four at the time, mrs. Telkie was the teacher.

"hi, mrs. Telkie, I'm here to drop off pizza

"for the whole class. I'm venicio's father."

Whole class goes nuts.

They're like, "whoa, pizza party, yeah!"

They start chucking lunches out the window.

Sandwiches are in the sky.

They're loving it; they're having a great time, right?

Go, "hey, venicio, here's the pizza.

"where's andy? Let me congratulate the kid."

I swear to god on my life,

My son looks at me, he goes,

"dad... Andy's not in my class."

[laughter]

I'm like, "what?!"

He's like, "yeah, grade six, upstairs, mrs. Brown's class."

I'm like, "are you serious?

"you had all weekend to tell me that!"

[laughter]

So I grab the pizza box,

I close it and take it with me,

I'm like, "sorry, guys, I gotta go."

They're like, "whoa! Where you going, man?

"how am I supposed to eat my lunch now?

"my sandwich is stuck in the vents!"

So I go upstairs to mrs. Brown's class, I go,

"hey, mrs. Brown.

"I'm here to drop off pizza for the class.

"the pizza's for andy."

The class goes nuts, they're like, "woo, yeah!"

She goes, "come right on in. Are you andy's father?"

I was like, "uh, no." she's like, "what?"

I'm like, "yeah, I don't... I don't know andy personally."

She goes, "wait, what do you mean

"you don't know andy personally?"

I'm like, "guys, like I just...

"I only met, like, andy through, like...

"you know what I mean? I just heard his his voice.

"I didn't even know what he looked like.

"you know what I mean?" so I stumbled over my words.

I was like, "I don't know, I met andy online."

She goes, "online?!"

[laughter]

And that was the second time I got arrested at school, guys.

[laughter]

Yo, winnipeg, my name is keith pedro!

Thank you guys very much!

[applause]

-Knit family will leave you in stitches! Thank you guys very much!

It's preeti torul!

[applause]

♪

Preeti: Guys, how are you?

Winnipeg, how you feelin'?

Yes!

[applause]

Guys, I grew up in a one-bedroom apartment

With five other people.

Audience member: Oof. Preeti: "oof" is right.

I grew up in a one-bedroom apartment with my brother,

My mother, my father, my uncle,

My grandmother, and me.

Guys, do you know what it's like

To share a bed with your grandmother

Until you're 16 years old?

[laughter]

Do you know what it's like

To sleep next to your grandmother

And she spoons you in the middle of the night?

[laughter]

And her senior-citizen,

Cracked, scaly skin

Cuts your prepubescent skin under the sheets,

And you wake up with a thousand paper cuts?

Do you know what that's like?

[laughter]

Guys...

Do you know what it's like

To watch your grandmother

Read the bible in french before bed,

Despite the fact that you were raised hindu?

[laughter]

Guys...

Do you know what it's like

To get your period next to your grandmother?

She thinks you're possessed...

[laughter]

You think you're sick.

Guys...

Do you know what it's like to masturbate

Next to your grandmother?

[laughter]

I do.

[laughter]

I did not know I was poor until I was 14 years old,

And here's how I found out.

I went over to my friend katrina's house

For her birthday party,

And as soon as I got to her house, she opened the door,

And there was a grand staircase, and the first thing

That she said to me was, "come up to my room."

And I was like, "what the hell is a room?"

[laughter]

As soon as we got to her room,

There was no grandmother sleeping in the bed.

There was no table setting for six people.

There was no rajneesh commune going about their day.

There was just her.

And then our friend showed up,

And so katrina said,

"hey, let's go to the basement."

And I was like, "basement?"

'cause in the basement of our apartment building

Is where the incinerator was,

So I wasn't quite sure what she meant.

Guys...

It was a finished basement.

[laughter]

It was literally a house

Underneath another house.

[laughter]

Okay, this chick had two houses!

I'm trying to get off next to my grandmother,

This chick has two houses.

Okay?

Even the holidays were awkward for me.

I remember-- do you guys remember singing

Christmas carols with your class

In the main foyer of your school?

Everyone would get together and sing christmas carols as a kid?

Do you guys remember that?

[applause] yeah.

So we would be down there singing christmas carols,

And I remember one year we were singing,

And my class just burst into this boisterous song,

And all of a sudden I was listening to the lyrics

And I was getting so upset,

And I started crying.

And then my friend came up to me, and she was like,

"why are you crying?"

And I was like, "this song isn't for me."

Guys...

They were singing "white christmas."

[laughter]

I literally went home that day to my father crying,

And I was like, "oh my god,

"this school made me sing this mean song.

"they were so mean to me!

"they made me sing white christmas!"

And my dad literally looked at me,

Took a deep breath,

And said,

"they're talking about snow."

And I was like, "ohhh!

"that makes so much more sense!"

I just thought my school hated brown people at christmastime.

[laughter]

Guys, thank you so much. You've been great.

My name's preeti!

[applause]

♪

Gerry: This very funny dad

Hails from the province of new brunswick,

Where the mighty miramichi meets the flow

Of the equalization payments.

How about a big welcome for tim steeves!

[applause]

♪

♪

Tim: Thank you. Thank you so much, winnipeg.

I think I'm pretty typical when it comes to kids.

You know?

Love mine, not crazy about yours.

[laughter]

Mine's a miracle, a brilliant gift to the universe.

Yours is getting on my nerves a little bit,

You know what I mean? [laughter]

I get offended when people ask you if you're gonna have kids.

You know, the pushy relatives get in your face.

"you having kids? You have another kid?

"when are we having a baby?" right?

I was always offended by that, you know what I mean?

Just walking right up.

I always had my pat answer, right?

I was always like, "I'm ejaculating in my wife!"

[laughter]

"aunt sylvie?

Aunt sylvia!

No contraception!

We're barebacking it, sylvie!"

[laughter]

"sylvie, I thought you had questions!"

[laughter]

You loosen up as you go, right?

It's all helicopter parenting if you have one kid,

But you have a few more, you loosen up, don't ya?

You let out a little more rope, right?

The first kid's all helicopter parenting.

By the third kid, he's spot-welding a toaster

On the edge of the bathtub.

[laughter]

Yeah.

Oh, he loves that toaster.

[laughter]

But yeah, we have the only child,

So we're very protective.

Too precious, you know?

Like, for example, we won't let him sleep in bed

With any middle-aged men.

No matter how rich or famous they are.

[laughter]

We're just sticklers on that.

That's a deal-breaker for us.

We don't want to end up on the wrong side

Of a netflix documentary, right?

"they were just playing video games till they fell asleep!"

[laughter]

I don't know, man.

I went to my boy's holiday pageant

In the gymnasium last December.

Holiday pageant, right?

They should just call that what it is, you know?

A tremendous gathering of milfs in the gymnasium.

[laughter]

Oh yeah, grade 3 moms, right in the sweet spot.

[laughter]

That is-- that's my strike zone, right there.

[laughter]

Oh, yeah.

All the kids get an award.

We all complain about that, right?

All the kids get-- everyone has to get an award now, you know?

They gave my kid the perseverance award.

Shut up.

[laughter]

Perseverance, what kind of bullshit

Is that condescending?

Why not just, "way to go, I'm not quitting grade 2"?

[laughter]

Perseverance award.

The "almost-always has pants on trophy."

[laughter]

But then, we had him diagnosed and he's got dyslexia,

So I realize he probably earned

His little perseverance award, right?

'cause all the letters are in 3d

And floating around a little bit.

He's trying to learn to read and write like his old man

On six scotches, for fuck's sake.

[laughter]

He didn't even get to enjoy the scotches.

Must have lots of parents here tonight, right?

[clapping]

Tim: You just do the best you can, right, sir?

Audience member: I try. Tim: You try.

That's it!

And that was the perfect amount of try.

Dude's, "oh, I try!" [laughter]

"yeah, oh yeah."

You do the best you can.

We forgot to be tooth fairy.

Audience: Aw! Tim: Oh, yeah.

Aw, it sucks.

You know, well, tooth fairy had a couple of glasses of wine

And she fell asleep watching outlander.

It happens! [laughter]

Right?

You do the best you can.

Went into the bathroom the other night,

And he's got a real good midsection lather going, right?

It's like just a huge lather in his crotch, right?

And I walk in and he just immediately, "don't rinse it!

"don't rinse it!"

[laughter]

Hey, pal, this is your show.

[laughter]

You want your music back on, or what?

How's the lighting? Lighting good?

I guess if I have one thing, summing up tonight,

If I could give one bit of advice

To new parents,

I guess it would be

Get a king-size bed.

You don't even have to see each other anymore,

You know what I mean?

You're like in a different county.

If you do even rub elbows, it's like,

"what the hell are you doing over here?"

[laughter]

"get back to your own..."

I'm like an old cowboy with a toothpick.

"you lost, little lady?"

[laughter]

[applause]

"how did you get over here to the bad side of the bed?"

[laughter]

Thank you so much, winnipeg.

Thanks a lot.

[applause]

♪

♪

Gerry: Having kids can really make you start thinking

About the future, like...

"what am I gonna give them for lunch?"

Please welcome ian sirota!

[applause]

♪

Ian: Well, thank you very much.

I have three kids.

They're in the van right now, so I gotta be fast.

[laughter]

I have a 25-year-old, I have a 10-year-old,

And I have a 4-year-old.

Yup, I've had sex three times in my life.

I like to spread it out. [laughter]

I have girls and boys.

Do you think, winnipeg, it's harder to raise girls or boys?

Audience: Girls.

Girls by like a million miles, right?

Because little boys are brave and foolish,

And little girls are smart and evil.

[laughter]

I'll give you an example, okay?

Like, if a little boy sees a big tree,

For some reason in his head he'll think,

"I can climb up that tree,"

'cause he's brave and foolish, right?

And he'll climb up to the top of the tree where the branches

Are thin, and maybe a limb will snap,

And he'll come tumbling to the ground,

Maybe break an arm or a leg or something.

A little girl will see that same big tree,

And she'll turn to her brother and say,

"I bet you can't climb up that tree."

[laughter]

"a little higher, moron."

[applause]

I remember the first time I was a bad example

For my daughter, delilah. She was four years old.

I lie to my children. Do you lie to your kids?

[audience cheering] you gotta, right.

The world's a horrible place.

I remember the first time I lied to delilah, I, um...

It's a true story; I walked outside,

My cat had killed a mouse

And left the mouse on the porch step,

And it had been there a while; there were, like,

Flies all over the mouse, and my daughter loves animals;

She was devastated.

She's like, "what happened to that mouse, daddy?

What happened to that poor little mouse?

What happened?"

Well, I could have told her the truth, I could said,

"well, the cat killed that mouse 'cause he thinks he's dexter..."

[laughter]

"...And now those flies are eating its rotting flesh.

"sleep tight, sweet princess!"

But I didn't do that. I lied to my daughter.

I said, "no, no, no, sweetheart, what happened there was

"the mouse had the wind knocked out of him,

"and now those nice flies are blowing the wind back into him,

"and now daddy's gonna help this mouse out by picking him up

"with this no-frills bag

"that I paid good money for,

"and giving him some privacy in this garbage can."

[laughter]

So I decided what I did that day was I'd write down all the lies

I told my daughter and share them with you guys tonight.

So, these are lies I tell my kids.

You can tell them to your kids too.

I told my daughter these lies that very day.

There's a lot of them. [laughter]

Alright.

"mcdonald's is closed on wednesdays."

[laughter]

[applause]

"what's that smell in my office?

"I think there was a skunk in here."

[laughter]

"I like caillou, too!"

[laughter]

Now, I would never ever, ever hit my children,

But I would beat the living piss out of caillou.

[laughter]

[applause]

Lies I tell my kids.

"I said, 'duck.'"

[laughter]

"mommy said, 'duck me harder.'"

[laughter]

You weren't there.

[laughter]

"when the ice cream truck plays music,

"it means he's out of ice cream."

[laughter]

"the leafs are gonna win the cup."

[laughter]

[applause]

And finally, "oh, it looks like the skunk made his way

"into the van." [laughter]

Thanks.

[applause]

[applause]

You think we coddle our children,

Treat them like they're made out of glass, we bubble-wrap them?

We weren't treated like that, right?

Something as simple as a car seat.

I didn't have a car seat when I was a kid.

I didn't even have a seatbelt when I was a kid.

You know, your parents used to throw you the back

Of the station waggon, you'd bounce around like dice

Inside a yahtzee cup?

[laughter]

Then my mom would roll up the window and chain smoke

All the way to my aunt's house.

I'd be like, "I can't breathe." she'd be like, "shut up!"

[laughter]

"who said you could speak back there?"

Then my dad would pipe up, "why don't you both shut up?

"I almost spilled my scotch up here!"

[laughter]

"I'm trying to drink and drive, goddammit!

"let me concentrate!

"oh, look, my knee fell off the steering wheel.

"thanks." [laughter]

[applause]

Anybody have a mom who used to make you buy her smokes?

My mom used to make me buy smokes at the arena

When I was like a little kid.

Imagine doing that nowadays with facebook and cellphones?

You'd go to jail!

Back then, my mom would send me through a minefield

Of paedophiles and drug-dealers

For a pack of du maurier special milds.

[laughter]

And my old man, I had a tough old man.

Like, he worked hard and he played hard.

I saw my dad once a year on vacation.

That's when I'd see my dad.

And one year we went to florida; we've all done that trip,

Where you go to florida and you park,

And one side's the beach and the other side's the picnic area,

And my dad took us over to the picnic area

And tried to get the barbecue goin',

And he blew up two floats for me and my brother,

And told us to go float out in the ocean.

[laughter]

Didn't give us water wings, or a life preserver.

Nobody helicopter parented us to the beach.

Just, "go ahead, I'll make more."

[laughter]

Of course we go out there, five minutes in, a big wave hits me,

Pushes me down to the ocean floor,

I get washed up on the shoreline.

I remember my fingers were in the sand,

I'm trying to hold on for life.

That's when I felt the undertow grab me

And pull me straight back in, right?

Last thing I remember.

Next thing I remember there's a lifeguard over me

And I'm coughing up water, and that lifeguard,

He took me and my brother back over the parking lot

To where my dad finally had the barbecue going.

[laughter]

And he said to my old man,

"your boy, he almost drowned tonight.

"you almost lost your son."

And I'll never forget what my dad said,

'cause it was a different generation,

A different time back then, he said,

"you want a hotdog or a hamburger?"

[laughter]

[applause]

"hotdog! Why won't you love us?"

[laughter]

Anyways, I just want to thank you.

My mom's from winnipeg.

This is my first time in winnipeg.

I want to dedicate my set to my mom.

Thank you very much for having me here.

Thank you, winnipeg!

[applause]

♪

Gerry: All right, well, listen,

That is it for our kids stuff show.

Yeah, I know. [applause]

For those of you who have kids,

Thanks for managing to stay awake till the end of the show.

For those of you who don't have kids, go back to your

Selfish, dazzling, exciting lives,

Where none of your furniture is covered in crayon.

I hate you. Goodnight, everybody!

Thank you! [applause]

♪

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