Original subtitles

♪

♪

Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival presents,

First impressions!

Here's your host, trent mcclellan!

[applause]

Trent: All right! What's going on?

And welcome to the winnipeg comedy festival, everybody!

Welcome! Are you excited?

[cheering & applause]

Oh, man!

Uh, if you don't know who I am...

That's not my fault.

I...

Uh, we're here to tackle first impressions tonight, everybody.

First impressions, gonna have some fun with that.

And as I said, if you don't know who I am, you're probably going,

"wow, the rock has really let himself go."

[laughter]

A little more protein in the diet there, maybe, huh?

We put a lot of value in the first impressions,

Don't we, you know?

I had a lot of weird first impressions of me

'cause I'm a black man from newfoundland, okay?

Audience member: Woo! Trent: Yeah.

And I'm not even that black. I'm, like, khaki.

[laughter]

Or more maple.

[laughter]

And on top of that, I'm really, really tall.

When people meet me in person, they're like,

"uh, you're a lot-- you're a lot taller than you are on tv."

Yeah.

You imagine I walked out here, I was 52 inches?

[laughter]

Looking like a cake topper when I walked out here.

[laughter]

It's weird when people meet you and they find out

That you're from newfoundland, right?

Like, people come up to me all the time, they're like,

"oh, you're from newfoundland, eh?"

[speaking gibberish in newfoundland accent]

[laughter]

I'm a 6'3", 220-pound black man.

Do I look like a leprechaun to you, right?

[laughter]

I guess black people in newfoundland and leprechauns

Have something in common. I mean, do they really exist?

[laughter]

Do they live near rainbows?

Nobody knows.

[laughter]

And it's weird too, 'cause I haven't lived in newfoundland

In over 20 years, you know?

So when I go back to my hometown,

There are certain people who don't know I'm from there.

I was back there a couple of years ago,

I was at a grocery store, I heard two old ladies behind me,

One said to the other one, she goes,

"there must be a cruise ship in town!"

[laughter]

And then she tapped me on the shoulder, she said,

"it must be a lot colder here than what you're used to!"

[laughter]

She was hammered.

[laughter]

There's a lot of stereotypes, too,

First impressions about newfoundland

And labrador in general.

How many people here are from newfoundland and labrador?

Make some noise if you're from there.

Audience members: Woo! Trent: How many people have been

To newfoundland and labrador? Make some noise.

[applause] all right.

So, for those of you who have not been

To newfoundland and labrador, you've probably seen

Those beautiful newfoundland and labrador

Tourism commercials, right?

You see there's just a beautiful cinematic piece

Where there's a rolling green field, right?

The wind is blowing the grass; there's a clothes line;

The clothes is blowing on the line, right?

There's a beautiful harbour in the background,

And a majestic iceberg resting in the middle of that harbour.

Suddenly a whale jumps up out of the ocean

And lands on the iceberg, playing the fiddle.

De-lit-te-de-te-de!

[laughter]

And that's one version of newfoundland and labrador.

But I'd like to see a more realistic version.

A commercial where there's just a thick fog.

[laughter]

You can't see nothin'!

And then out of the fog just comes a old woman in a robe.

[laughter]

"mittens, mittens!

"I can't find that friggin' dog!"

Newfoundland and labrador, yours to discover.

[applause]

Winnipeg, are you ready for your first comedian of the evening?

[applause]

♪

Trent: This performer might give you the impression

That he spends all day in his pyjamas

Playing video games and eating cereal.

But don't be fooled, he hates cereal.

Put your hands together for bryan hatt!

[applause]

♪

Bryan: Wow!

Thank you, winnipeg, thank you, wow.

Spoiler alert, right out of the gates:

I am not the alpha male that I may appear to be.

[laughter]

Okay, don't be fooled by the beard.

It's a prop.

I'm a beta, for sure.

I actually form a perfect b if you look close enough.

[laughter] right?

Yeah, yeah.

[applause]

That's a perfect upper-case b you're looking at there, okay?

This is alpha, this is beta, right there.

Always look for the b cup.

[laughter]

Yeah, I'm not a wuss, though.

That's not what I'm trying to tell ya, okay?

I'm not a wimp just because I'm not an alpha male.

I like to think I fall somewhere in the middle.

Like, I'm the type of guy that likes to sit down to pee,

But stand up to poo.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

[laughter]

Like a horse.

[laughter]

Beautiful, yes, but still dangerous.

Very dangerous.

[laughter]

Alright, now that you know a little something about me,

I'd like to think that we're friends.

So let me open up to you a little bit, if I may.

Have you ever had sex with somebody

So much better-looking than you

That you find yourself becoming suspicious of that person?

[laughter]

You understand what I mean?

Have you ever had paranoid sex?

That's what I'm asking. [laughter]

Have you ever just looked up in the middle and thought,

"ah, she's gonna rob me, for sure."

[laughter]

"she did not come here for the coitus.

"I...

"she's here for the television, I know it.

"if I fall asleep, that thing's walking out the door.

"I don't care." [laughter]

Right?

I only ask 'cause I was seeing somebody for a while,

And she was like a 10, right?

And I'm just a 6.

At best a regina 12, but...

[laughter]

[applause]

Now, regina will really appreciate that applause break.

[laughter]

Yeah...

I can't show you a picture of this person.

That would be violating her trust, obviously.

But to give you an idea of how much more attractive

She was than me, know this:

I was actually once stopped

While trying to take her home from the bar.

[laughter]

Do you understand what I'm telling you?

[laughter]

I was trying to get my very attractive,

Very drunk girlfriend out of a bar,

Some women saw us, looked at me, looked at her and thought,

"not tonight, you sick son of a bitch!"

[laughter]

Which I am totally cool with.

I get it, right?

They were just doing their job.

Plus, in their defence, I shouldn't have put her

In the sleeping bag, I realize that now.

[laughter]

Yeah.

Again, I can't blame the women either

For suspecting something, right?

We were definitely a mismatch, right?

She was definitely out of my league.

I didn't really notice at first, but it was sort of

Pointed out to me accidentally, right?

Like, people would always act sort of funny

When we'd show up places together, right?

Like, especially when we first started dating and we'd go to

Parties together and I would meet her young hot friends,

And they would ask me questions like,

"so, are you katy's...

"landlord, or..." [laughter]

"...Uber driver? I don't...

"I don't think you're supposed to come inside, sir."

[laughter]

Thank you.

Do we have any parents here tonight?

Where are my parents at? Let me hear ya.

[applause]

Too weak to even make a noise.

Just, "yeah..."

I understand.

I actually have two beautiful young girls at home,

And as soon as I receive my money, I will release them,

Right, right? [laughter]

I'm kidding!

I'm kidding.

[laughter]

They're never going home.

Um... [laughter]

I'm joking.

I'm not a parent, nor am I a kidnapper.

Stop memorizing my face.

I'm obviously too slow to catch kids.

[laughter] I...

I am, though, very proud to be an uncle.

Where are the uncles at?

Let me hear from you guys, right?

[applause]

Best job in the world, right?

Like, take it from me, I have six nieces.

Each one of them I love as if they are my own child.

Major difference being, they cost me about 60 bucks a year.

That's awesome. [laughter]

Right?

Why would you own when you can uncle?

Really think about that.

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah. [applause]

Yeah. [applause]

Here's another little uncle tip for you.

This caught me by surprise,

So I'll try and save you the same embarrassment.

It so happens that two of my six nieces are filipino.

Which is not a problem.

I don't know why I paused; that was weird.

[laughter]

Let me just say I love them all the same, obviously,

But if this happens to you,

You might find yourself wishing

That they looked a little bit more like you.

Right, I know that sounds a little selfish,

But it would really make me look better

When the three of us are arguing in public.

[laughter]

Okay, here's what I have learned from having

Filipino nieces, is that I perfectly

Fill out the profile.

[laughter]

Yeah, take a good look at me.

I know I look pretty harmless, but can you see

The stranger danger onstage right now?

[laughter]

Right, overweight, dishevelled, 40-something,

Single, white man, balding, beardo.

I'm checking off every box, every box!

[laughter]

You know what makes people nervous?

Two angry filipino girls standing next to me.

[laughter]

Yeah, shouting things like, "I don't want to go!

"you're not my father!"

[laughter]

Yeah. [applause]

Whilst I'm pushing them into a van.

[laughter]

Well, it's my own fault, though.

I should have bought the van with the windows.

That was stupid. That was a cheap mistake.

You guys have been lovely, winnipeg.

Thank you so much for having me.

I am bryan hatt.

[applause]

♪

♪ [applause]

Trent: This comedian looks like the kind of guy who'd give you

The shirt off his back and the shoes off of his feet.

Where I come from, there's a name for people like that:

Strippers!

Give it up for leland klassen!

[applause]

♪

♪

Leland: Wow, thank you so much, you guys.

It's great to be here! Oh man, I almost didn't make it.

I was actually-- I was going through the airport security,

And I don't know why, I was tired, that's my excuse, okay,

But as I was going through security,

Buddy was patting me down,

And when he was right here patting me down,

And I don't know why I said this,

But I looked over at him and I'm like,

"oh, you... You're checking out the guns?"

[laughter] "oh no, no, no, no!

"that's not..."

"guys, I think you guys are overreacting!

"that's not what I meant!"

[laughter]

Yeah, immediately I realized,

"well, that's a bad thing to say at an airport," right?"

Then I tried to fix it, right? "no, 'cause I got the...

"I got the muscular arms."

And buddy looked at me all deadpan, and he's like,

"no, you don't." [laughter]

And just... Just sent me on my way.

It was hurtful.

Supposed to be security, not insecurity, buddy.

Thanks a lot!

And I'll take this extra baggage on the plane.

Emotional baggage...

For my body image issues.

I do, I got body image issues. And you're like, "why?"

"what are you talking about, leland?"

Well, where do I start?

Actually, I'll tell you where I start.

I'm pretty sure hands aren't supposed to be this big, right?

That's not... [laughter]

I can see some of you ducking as I do that!

You're like, "okay, what are we...?"

[laughter]

But it is a proportion thing.

It's a proportion...

Like, if I had big muscular arms,

You wouldn't notice it as much.

But with the little toothpick arm here,

It doesn't look like it would hold my hand up, does it?

I got it!

[laughter]

[applause]

It was tough growing up with hands this big.

I didn't have the same finite motor skills the other kids had

With their stubby little hands, you know?

Couldn't do the things they could do.

At least not as well as them.

So I didn't like the things we did in school, you know?

Well, except for finger painting.

I loved finger painting, here we go!

[laughter]

I just finished seven projects.

[laughter]

And... And I painted three kids.

Oh, and I'm out of paper.

And paint, actually. I'm out of paint as well.

You gonna bring some paint here?

I'll help you with the paint, no problem.

What's that?

No, I have arms, I just don't need 'em.

Yeah. [laughter]

I still finger paint, by the way.

It's kind of a hobby of mine.

I was doing some finger painting last weekend there.

I painted the garage.

[laughter] let that dry.

Let that dry.

It wouldn't even be so bad either if my head wasn't

So small in proportion.

Did you notice that?

Look at that.

[laughter] that's not a...

That's not a match.

I shouldn't be able to do that.

I got a tiny, little nugget of a head.

Just the tiniest little...

Well, I'm scratching my back right now.

That's what I'm doing. [laughter]

And when my hand is on the back of my neck like this,

It feels like I'm holding an infant child.

That's what it feels like. [laughter]

Just a little baby.

Got a little baby in my hands.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I'll give you a tour of the rest of my body.

Might as well... [laughter]

Might as well just keep going.

Give you the highlights.

The next thing people ask me all the time are my...

Your foot size, or "how big are your feet?"

And so, they're size 13, but I'm 6'3" and a half,

So that's about where it should be.

Here's where it gets creepy, though.

Um, yeah, about half of that is toe.

[laughter] it's...

I've got...

I've got finger toes.

I've got...

In fact, I don't even have feet. I got four hands.

That's what I really got. [laughter]

Two of my hands are hairy, and I put shoes on 'em,

Which technically means I am doing a handstand right now.

What?

[laughter]

Some of you are not as impressed by that.

[laughter]

I just gave you a thumbs up.

That's what that was.

Um... [laughter]

Here's another thing wrong with my body.

So, my hip bone is actually right here, okay?

So, if I was to wear my pants where they're actually

Supposed to go, right about here.

[laughter]

"hey, ladies." [laughter]

Well, like, like just below my abs.

Just below my six-pack.

[laughter]

And you know when these guys get old and they start hiking

Their pants up higher and higher as they get up--

What's gonna happen to me when I'm like 90, right?

I'm not even gonna have to wear a shirt.

Just hike it all the way up, just...

[laughter]

[applause]

I was a late bloomer, too. I was a late...

So here's the thing, my drivers licence,

When I got my driver's licence, 16 years old,

My height was recorded then as 5'6".

So I was 5'6" at 16, and then it became 6'3" and a half

In like the last year of high school.

I was growing...

Like, I actually have stretch marks on my legs where,

From growth. Like, you know,

I can't wear a bikini.

It's not... [laughter]

I was growing so fast you could see me growing.

You know, it's like, "oh, my leg!"

[laughter]

"man, that smarts!"

[laughter]

"there goes the other one!"

[laughter]

"sure hurts, but at least they'll match!"

[laughter]

"I shrunk my pants."

"in the dryer?"

"no, in the afternoon."

[laughter]

You guys have been an awesome crowd.

Thank you so much. My name's leland klassen.

Goodnight.

[applause]

♪

♪

Trent: This comedian might not look like someone who's done

Three tours of duty in afghanistan, but in fairness,

That's only because they haven't!

Please welcome chanty marostica!

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

Chanty: Oh my god, I totally forgot this was today.

[laughter]

I'm originally from winnipeg.

I was born and raised here, which explains, like, this...

As a whole. This is called small-town gay.

Is there any queers in the audience tonight?

Audience members: Woo!

Chanty: That was weird. [laughter]

Percentages are higher than that.

Do you know that? No.

[laughter]

No, small-town gay, like, um...

Okay, I get that I look really gay.

I wake up looking like smash mouth every morning,

So I understand my general vibe.

Small-town gay means that you just have to like out-gay

Yourself and be the gayest you possible,

So that you can like show other gay people that you exist.

It's like cock-a-tieling all the time.

[laughter]

But I feel like, it's like, "we're here, we're queer.

"is there any other queer people here?

"I feel so alone! I'm so scared!"

I felt like I was getting too queer for winnipeg, though.

I was like too gay. Like, my left breast

Was turning into a jean pocket,

And I was growing a fanny pack, and I was like,

"I gotta get out of here." [laughter]

"this is a lot."

And I know any other queer person in the audience

Can attest to dating in a small town is really weird.

Like, um...

You win tinder really easily.

[laughter]

And what that means is you just get to the bottom of tinder,

Because, like, there's only, like,

10 gay people in winnipeg, so it's just, like,

Eight lesbians on the app, and it was just all me

In different jackets, like...

[laughter]

I matched with all of them.

[laughter]

I'm gonna be honest, it's really hard to be queer,

But it's also hard to be an ally.

And I know every straight person in the audience is like,

"I know!

"finally this is about me!"

[laughter]

"when were they gonna talk about me?"

It is hard to be an ally.

I feel like everything is very black and white these days.

There's either pure hatred for my community, or pure love,

And that's not good.

I mean, I don't-- I'm not perfect,

But I don't deserve to be hated.

And it's just like, I think that we need to find

The middle ground and exist in a grey area together,

So that we can grow together and just get over our differences.

I guess my best example of watching ally-ism in action,

And it being really confusing, is watching straight people

At the gay pride parade, because you want to be there

And you want to support us, and you're there

For the right reasons, but you don't know what's going on.

Like, and you'll all be like, "cool, cool, cool.

Oh, it's a float, that's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, ooh, confetti, I get that, yeah, yeah, okay.

And nobody's wearing a shirt. Why, why so many harnesses?

A-ha-ha-ha!" poof!

Your heads just explode.

[laughter]

"is susan okay?" "no, mm-mm."

[laughter]

Um, I'm very loud and very proud about how gay I am.

Like, you're in the middle of my ted talk about it, so obviously.

[laughter]

40 more minutes, everybody.

[laughter]

No, I'm very proud to be a gay person,

But that doesn't always benefit me.

Most of the time, it doesn't at all.

Um, you can ask any gay person if you know them...

You don't know a gay person.

Um, sorry, dad. No, I'm just joking.

Um, you can ask any queer person.

It costs you friends, it costs you families,

It costs you so many tears, it costs you jobs.

I'll tell you a story.

I lost a job once because, um...

I've lost many jobs.

But because I'm gay, specifically.

Um, I remember my manager, I won't say his name;

It was mark; his name was mark.

[laughter]

He said in a manager meeting, I was supposed to be, um...

I was gonna become the bar manager,

And he said in the manager meeting,

"well, we can't have them be the bar manager

"if they can't even wear the outfit at the bar.

"you know, we're not gonna change the uniform specs

"so that they can wear a pantsuit."

And I was like, "what am I, rosie o'donnell?"

I'm not allergic to feminine clothing.

Like, I am a bit, and dander and pet hair,

But whatever, you know? Like, it was just so weird.

He was like, "yeah, they don't look enough like a woman

"to be a bartender, so they can't be the bar manager.

"like, if maybe if they grew out their hair,

"put one some evening make up, put on some heels and a dress,

"they'd look enough like a woman

"and then they could get the position."

First of all, um...

Hot tips, mark, really great hot tips.

I have a tip for you, if you stood up real straight and shot

Mayonnaise out of your mouth, you'd look like as big a dick

As you sound right now.

[applause]

[cheering]

And two,

You do not get to say what a woman looks like.

Nobody does, nobody does.

That's not okay.

[applause] thank you.

And number three, like, evening makeup?

What are you, the director of chatelaine magazine in 1996?

What does that even mean? [laughter]

Could you imagine me, though, at a lounge,

At a bar that you go to,

Coming up to you with like the heels

And the hair and the nails and everything?

I can't even pretend to wear heels.

I look like a giraffe being born right now, like,

"I'll get it!" you know?

Could you imagine me, like, coming up with everything?

You'd be like, "what is that raptor doing here?"

[laughter]

Be like, [screeching]!

[laughter]

[high voice] "hi, boys, buckets of bud are on special!

"would you like to try our feature appetizer,

"the bruschetta?" [screeching]

[laughter]

"just some wings for the table? I'll have those right out."

[screeching]

Welcome to womanhood!

[hums jurassic park theme song]

All right, winnipeg, you've been a blast!

Thank you so much!

♪

♪

Trent: If this comedian looks destined for super-stardom,

That's because she is.

If she looks like she has a bright glowing aura

And beams of light shining of her eyes,

That's because you've dropped too much acid.

Please welcome natalie norman!

[applause]

♪

Natalie: Hi. I'm so excited to be here.

Hi.

I'm gonna share a bunch of secrets with you.

Um, I hope that's okay.

First secret, I recently lost a ton of weight.

[applause] thank you, thank you.

I know you don't know me, but I look amazing, right?

Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you!

[applause]

Second secret, I recently gained it all back!

[laughter] right?

I still look amazing!

Right, right?

[applause]

Uh, I am trying to lose weight again.

My favourite activity.

And I'm doing this thing.

Um, it's called healthy eating and exercise.

And who knew it would work?

I had tried so many things before.

I tried nutri-system,

But the food is so bad my dog wouldn't eat it,

And she eats her own poo.

[laughter]

And I tried jenny craig,

But who gives a fat person a week's worth of food at once?

[laughter]

By the way, that food is amazing!

It's amazing!

On day one, they give you seven brownies,

As if you understand the concept of portion control.

[laughter]

And I was like one, two, three, four, five, six, seven!

Is this losing weight?

Who knew it tasted so good?

[laughter]

People always ask me, though, like,

"why are you losing weight? Why are you losing weight?

"is it to be healthy?"

And I'm like, "no."

Nobody's losing weight to be healthy, right?

I'm losing weight for what is the only reason,

And that is to be sexually objectified.

[laughter] am I right, ladies?

Right?

And I can't wait for that day when I walk by

A construction site and some guy's like,

"hey, lady with the toned arms and the lean legs,

"you're looking real good!"

And I'm like, "screw you, I'm not a piece of meat!"

But secretly I'm like, "yeah, I am a piece of meat!"

[laughter]

I'm a princess! [laughter]

Any day now.

I was walking down the street the other day--

I can do that, thank you--

And out of nowhere, a man came up to me,

And this is what he said to me: He was like,

"you have a really beautiful face."

And I was like, "thank you.

"do you hate my body?"

Right, 'cause you know that's not a compliment, right?

Like, you don't get just the face, or just the body.

They come together.

And then he continued talking, and I was like,

"here we go." this is what he said.

He's like, "listen, I've been with women like you before,

"but I find our bodies don't fit together."

And I was like, [chuckles]

"that's so interesting, because I'm pretty sure

"that this vagina fits on every dick."

[laughter] right?

Right, yeah. [applause]

It's not a dress that comes in certain sizes.

It's more like a hat that fits every head.

[laughter]

I went up north recently.

August 4th, 2011.

[laughter]

It's really recent.

I went up north, and I was going with a bunch of friends,

And we drove up two hours away from toronto where I'm from,

And we get there, and we sat on a patio,

'cause we were starving, right?

Two hours on the road, that's a long time.

[laughter]

So, we sat on the patio and we ordered a lot of food,

Mainly cheese,

And out of nowhere a man came out to me--

You guys are everywhere-- and he was like,

"ladies, can I buy you a drink?"

And I was like, "yeah, you can buy us a drink,

"but we're not talking to you.

"we've got food to do."

Right? Priorities.

I thought this solved the problem.

It didn't. This is what happened:

He left, but the drinks came.

Then we ignored him. [chuckles]

And then I noticed him lurking around us,

And I hear him say this, he goes,

"I don't need these women.

"these women are curvy and they're only sevens."

And I was like, "did he just call me a seven?

"did he just call me a seven?

"holy shit, guys, I'm a seven!

"that's amazing!" [laughter]

Oh my god, I've never been called a seven in my life!

Who knew insulting could feel so good?

This is a thing, though: Whenever you feel really good,

Someone's gonna tear you down,

And it's either gonna be your mother...

Or a 10-year-old child.

[laughter]

This is what happened.

We were staying at the resort overnight.

My friends went down to the pool before me;

I came down a little later,

Wearing what I thought was proper pool attire.

I wore a muumuu.

And I walked down to the pool like this, I don't know why,

I went, "walka-walka-walka, I'm here!"

No reason. And then out of nowhere,

This 10-year-old popped out of the water.

This, like, tanned god.

This, like, jonas brother popped out of the water, and he went,

"ew, what is that?"

And I was like, "baby, this is a seven

"and you can't handle this!"

[laughter]

Michelle, can you handle this?

Kelly, can you handle this?

I don't think he can handle this!

If you didn't get it, I'm beyonce in that story!

[applause]

I've been natalie norman.

Thank you so much!

[applause]

♪

Trent: This performer looks like the kind of guy who can stand up

To even the toughest, most intimating bullies and say,

"enough is enough!

"I will not buy anymore of your girl scout cookies!"

Please welcome simon king!

[applause]

♪

♪

Simon: I don't want to be here.

[laughter]

Not here specifically, but like doing-- like,

Stand-up comedy is not a sign things are going well.

You understand that, right?

Like, I'm not here 'cause I'm happy.

I'm here 'cause I have a hole in my soul

The size of my childhood. That's where comedy comes from.

You know, like, no comic wants to be a comic.

We all wanted to be actors, but crunches are hard.

[laughter]

So we end up here, doing comedy,

Which on the entertainment hierarchy

Is slightly above mime,

And slightly below getting hand-jobs under an overpass,

Which has better hours, so...

[laughter]

People will say, "hey, where do you come up with your ideas?"

And you have to be like, "well, the world's a crazy place,

"watch the news." what you want to be is like,

"people knocked my lunch out of my hand in grade 10

"and called me fat loser." ta-da!

[laughter]

That's why comedians don't trust good-looking comedians,

'cause we know they're up to something.

Sure, you can say funny things if you're good-looking,

But you don't have that thick, deep,

Heavy patina of years of misery and self-hatred

That makes you truly freaking hilarious, you know.

Some guy who's 6'4" with 3% body fat gets onstage,

"dating's hard." "is it, jawline?

"screw you! This is our thing!"

[laughter]

I don't come to the gym and kick the weights out of your hand.

You go away! We're broken here.

[laughter]

Now, this is gonna sound a bit like sour grapes

Coming from a guy who sort of looks like he's being punished

By a greek god for former sins.

Like, I know what I look like.

Looks like all my parts probably came from different model years,

And were kicked together by a chimp

With a runny eye infection. I get it, but...

[laughter]

Do you know what the most entertaining thing

In the world is? When a pretty girl falls over.

Have you seen that? [laughter]

Pack a lunch and go to a nightclub on a Friday

And watch it go down, 'cause it is the best!

They're just walking along:

[high voice] "just another day of never hearing the word no!"

And then... [laughter & groaning]

Ankle turns, like, "but I don't--"

Ha-ha!

Lie there like a tortoise flipped on their back,

All confused. "are drinks still free?"

Like, no idea.

I love it, 'cause gravity's done to them what genetics could not.

Bring them to my level, yeah!

'cause people cannot seem to understand the fundamental

Difference between beautiful and good-looking.

Beauty is dignity, kindness, honesty, empathy, charity, hope.

That's beauty, all right? That's beauty.

Yeah, that's beauty. [applause]

Good-looking is boobs.

And there's nothing wrong with boobs!

I'm a fan. I took the time to get my own.

They're great, they're great!

You guys find that funnier 'cause of the angle.

The point is...

If you just make your life about your looks,

You're in for a shock, 'cause we're all gonna look like

A double-boiled chicken with black socks and sandals

On at the public pool one day, anyway.

So you don't want to spend your life just being a hood ornament

At a nightclub, only to find out when you're old,

People only pretended to be nice to you when

You were young 'cause they were trying to figure out

How to put things in you.

Develop a personality, all right?

It's not enough just to look good anymore.

Look, 35 years ago, the world was a different place.

There wasn't much competition; you could get away with just

Being hot; you didn't have to bring much to the table.

You could flex your muscles, or bat your eyelashes,

'cause you were the only game in town, but now,

Now fatty's got the internet, yeah!

And I can see naked chicks doing crazy stuff

To all their bits for free

With the left click of a mouse button.

So if you want to drink, you better become entertaining

Freakin' fast.

You better learn to juggle, ride a unicycle,

Paint landscapes with your feet, or form a freakin' sentence,

'cause the bar is closed, you daffy idiot!

The bar is closed.

[applause]

'cause we're programmed from a young age,

Particularly by disney, to believe that good-looking people

Are inherently good, and unattractive people are bad.

That's what disney tells us. Good-looking people are good,

Unattractive people are bad.

And that's what a guy who's 6'4" with the jawline is just eager,

And I'm a stalker.

And that's not fair!

We both didn't have pants out in her backyard

At 2 o'clock in the morning.

"I just wanted to smell her face."

Here's the thing... [laughter]

Really good-looking people, you treat them

Like they're slow in the head. You don't do them any favours.

You smile at them like an idiot,

You laugh at their jokes if they're not funny,

Like, "ha-ha-ha-ha. You smell like vanilla."

Like, they have no idea. [laughter]

That's how powerful being good-looking

Is in our dumb society.

If you're good-looking and you wear something,

We just assume that's what we should wear.

Look at a fashion model.

A fashion model wears a kleenex box on her head, a cape,

A snowsuit, and one roller skate, we'd be like,

"that's amazing!

You're a diva!" but if I try that, like,

"you're going to jail again, weirdo."

That's not fair!

[laughter]

You trust them more.

Good-looking person could come over and pat your kid

On the head, not in a creepy way, just,

"there you go, little fella," and wander off,

And you'd be like, "thank you for blessing my child,

"sex wizard!"

[laughter]

You've come into contact with a good-looking person.

The prophesy was true.

But if I try that, they're like, "get away from my kid, weirdo!"

"please, I just want some human contact

"before I go back to the bell tower."

"no!" [laughter]

Not fair.

[laughter]

Not me. I trust ugly people way more.

I know that's "looks-ist" or something.

Can we hashtag that? Let's get mad for no reason.

But I do.

'cause I know how hard really ugly people have to work

To get ahead in life.

Like, if you're ugly, you're playing life

On difficult, all right?

My doctor is the most physically unattractive puddle

Of human being you have ever seen in your entire life.

He looks like a bag of rice pudding

With a wig stapled to it.

He has one eyebrow that is not on his face.

[laughter]

He has a couple of hunches on his back in a line,

So when he wears a sport coat, he kind of looks like a camel

Trying to sneak into an r-rated movie without paying.

And I trust that guy!

'cause I know he's gotta be the best doctor in the world

'cause they would have done everything they could to stop

Him being a doctor, 'cause you don't want him touching you.

So when he says stuff, I believe him.

So when he hobbles out of his dimly lit office, he goes,

"it's time to put some fingers in ya."

I'm like, "yeah, man, that's just good science."

My name's simon king. Thanks a lot.

Goodnight. [applause]

♪ my name's simon king. Thanks a lot.

Trent: This comic gives it a distinct impression

That he still loves what he does after more than 25 years

In the business, and that's because

He's also a terrific actor.

Give it up for mr. Tom papa!

[applause]

♪

Tom: Thank you so much!

Look at you! Look at you!

Look at you...

Going to a big tv show.

Good job, everybody.

How lucky are we?

What a beautiful day here in winnipeg.

That's my first impression.

It must be sunny and warm all the time here.

[laughter]

First impressions are hilarious.

It really doesn't matter, does it?

Really doesn't matter.

All these different comedians, all looking a different way,

All of you looking completely different.

And it doesn't matter.

Life isn't perfect.

It never is, it never will be. And that's it.

This is our lives.

I know there's pressure. I know, I know.

Everyone telling you to do more, and be better,

And lose more weight. You're all doing great.

You're all doing great. No one's asking any of us

To take our clothes off for a magazine.

It's not happening.

Unless someone starts publishing

"kinda chunky weekly," we're okay.

[laughter]

You're all doing great.

I don't know what people want out of a life.

You know, I don't know what it is.

You know, no one thinks like they're doing enough.

You're doing enough.

I think it's social media has impacted our lives.

We're the first human beings that have to deal with it.

You're all doing great.

How much more do they want from us?

You know, in your face everyday,

"are you living your life to the fullest?

"are you living 100% maxed out all the time?

"are you killing it today?

"are you living your best life?"

No, I'm not.

[laughter]

I'm not, 'cause that's not normal.

[laughter]

100% maxed out energy all the time,

That's not normal.

You know what's normal? How you feel right now,

Right now, in your funny, little, gassy bodies.

[laughter]

Kind of achey, a little light-headed,

Taking deep breaths so you don't pass out in the theatre.

[laughter]

Worried about how you're getting home,

Worried about your bills, worried about that thing

You found on your ass.

[laughter]

That's normal, and it's exhausting.

That's normal too.

It's normal to be tired all the time.

You don't need a five-hour energy drink.

You need to lay down once in a while!

[laughter]

I don't know what we want out of a life.

What are we doing to ourselves with the social media?

I don't get it. It's starting...

It messes with your head.

You start to think people are getting clinically depressed,

'cause they're looking at other peoples' lives,

And then they think that their life pales in comparison.

Calm down.

First of all, no one has a great life.

No one, no one, no one.

[laughter]

They're posting their best moments with a filter

To make you feel bad about your life.

[laughter]

"look at us at the eiffel tower.

"suck it, guys."

[applause]

Yeah, they don't show them for three hours

Stuck at baggage claim, or sitting in the hotel

For three days 'cause the husband's got diarrhea

From a french tart he shouldn't have eaten.

[laughter]

That's happening too, trust me.

And if you have someone in your life that's posting 50 pictures

Of their hawaiian vacation while they know you're at work,

Don't get depressed, get even!

Start posting pictures of you at their house.

[laughter]

"bob just peed in the pool, lol!"

[laughter]

"might want to change the sheets when you get back."

[laughter]

What are we doing to ourselves with this social media?

I never feel good when I'm on it.

Never, never.

And I never get off of instagram or facebook and think,

"wow, good for everyone."

[laughter]

These are people I chose to follow,

My friends and family, and I want them all dead.

[laughter]

When it all comes down to it, you just need someone to love.

You just need someone to love. That's all you need.

One person. Not even a person.

It could be an animal.

All you need is two eyeballs

Looking at you from across the room.

[laughter]

It could be a fish. It could be a fish.

[laughter]

If you want a human being,

And you don't have a human being, uh,

It's your fault.

[laughter] you're being picky.

There's seven billion people out there.

Seven billion.

You can find one.

Lower your expectations. [laughter]

That's all you need.

One person who doesn't make you throw up

When they take their top off.

[laughter]

That's what love is,

Finding someone whose flaws you can put up with.

We're all disgusting, everyone in here, everyone in here.

But if you're with a couple, that's because that person

Doesn't mind how disgusting you are.

[laughter]

You ever take the first flight out in the morning,

That 6 am flight, where you wake up at home

At 4 and you're in a public place before you know it.

You don't even know how you got there;

You're just at security under fluorescent lights;

You're not in control of your body, no one is;

Just "bah..." I love that moment,

'cause it's a sea of people who you could have woken up with

If you had made the wrong choice.

[laughter]

I was in line recently behind this older gentleman;

He burped, farted, and sneezed at the same time.

Just exploded out of every one of his openings

All at once, ka-pow!

[laughter]

Like a human tugboat.

[laughter]

It was horrible.

People scattered, changed lanes,

Changed flights,

Went home and tried again tomorrow.

[laughter]

His wife stood next to him.

Did not flinch.

[laughter]

She probably does the same thing.

[laughter]

The two of them every morning, eating cereal, popping off,

Pa-pow, pa-pow!

The cat, the dog, pow, pow!

Like the grand finale at a fireworks show,

Pa-pop, pop, pa-pop, pop, pop!

Thank you all so much, winnipeg.

[applause]

Take care of yourselves.

[applause]

♪

Trent: Winnipeg, did you have a good time?

Did you enjoy yourselves? [applause]

Thank you so much! We'll see you again next time!

Bye-bye!

[applause]

♪

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