Original subtitles

Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival

Proudly presents... Eh! Material.

And now your true host,

Strong and free, jonathan torrens.

[applause]

[applause]

Jonathan: Good evening, winnipeg.

How's everybody doing?

No, seriously, let's go around the room, one person at a time,

So everyone gets a chance to answer that

'cause that's only fair, and fair is the canadian way.

My name is jonathan torrens, but feel free to call me

Buddy from street cents, or the jonovision guy for short.

Whatever rolls off the tongue.

Welcome to eh! Material.

A gala where some of our brightest comics

Will do their best jokes ab oo t canada,

So let's start there, shall we?

We don't say "aboot," am I right?

We don't say that.

You know who says "aboot"?

Americans when they're doing a canadian accent.

[laughter]

We don't say "aboot."

Every canadian knows we say "a-boat."

[laughter]

And it's a-boat time

We clear up that misconception.

[laughter]

You know, it's kind of funny that americans would criticize

The way we speak.

They're the ones who say "ice hockey."

[laughter]

As if there's any other kind.

That's like saying "grass baseball."

[laughter]

Next time you're speaking to an american

Find a way to slip that into casual conversation:

"catch the grass baseball game last night?

"one of the best grass baseball games

"I've ever seen with my eyes."

♪

But enough a-bowt, boot, or about americans,

Tonight we're celebrating this glorious land

From sea to sea to sea...

Canada.

Which is actually an acronym.

Did you know that?

"canadians are not americans, dumb ass."

[applause]

[applause]

Stitch that to your backpack next time you're travelling

Through europe, that'll get the party started.

I'm from charlottetown,

Where the country was formed in a blurry stupor

By the fathers of confederation.

You know, charlottetown is so proud of its place

In our history that every Thursday,

Friday and Saturday night, there are still re-enactments

Of the drinking that went on during that fateful gathering.

[laughter]

One of my favourite moments living on pei

Was hearing a woman from georgia interviewed on the radio.

The dj said, "what did you think of your time on the island?"

And she said, "my husband and I had the nicest time

"here on pe-1."

[laughter]

"you did, huh?"

"how long were you on pe-1?"

[laughter]

Working in canadian show business

Sure is rewarding, though.

Not financially, of course, um...

Guys, I don't want to brag, but I get recognized all the time.

A couple of years ago I was in the airport in saskatoon,

Buying a pack of gum,

And the woman started fibrillating with excitement.

She was like, "I, I can't believe it's you."

"yeah, it is," I said.

"I've been watching you for years.

"can I ask you something?"

And I said, "sure, anything."

"what's it like to be on coronation street?"

♪

Canadian show business, where our best known tv star

Is a german shepherd that solves mysteries.

♪

It's a blinding galaxy of stars.

But we canadians are brightsiders from way back, too.

Consider the standard answer to the question how are you today?

Most people around the world will answer with

Some version of "great."

Ask a canadian that question, we'll respond with something

Like, "well, not too bad,"

As if the assumption is you're some level of bad,

But not too bad is a win,

Anything more would be showing off.

Isn't that weird?

The only thing we're sceptical about is spring.

[laughter]

In paris, spring is celebrated, it's beautiful, time for love,

For new beginnings, not in canada.

Spring is a time to get punched in the feelings

And develop trust issues.

[laughter]

Winter is the more comfortable default for us, anyway.

We like being cold, right?

It's our natural habitat.

It's not too bad, fishing and freezing, skating,

Skiing, or sledding.

Remember aluminium toboggans?

Remember?

Can't get those anymore.

Why did they take those away from us?

Are they, like, the lawn darts of winter leisure?

[laughter]

Too dangerous to enjoy.

Here's the real truth about the canadians:

It's hard to make generalizations about us

Because our country is as diverse

As the landscape itself,

Sweeping arctic tundra with endless prairie wheat fields,

Cookie cutter cliffs and mighty mountains.

We are ryan gosling and rye and ginger,

Sidney crosby and john crosby,

Celine, shania, alanis.

Our singers sound like pharmaceuticals.

[laughter]

Okay, here's a quick canadianity quiz.

If applaud to most of these questions,

You're as canuck as steve podborski.

The first question: Do you know who steve podborski is?

All right. [applause]

Have you ever bought something with club z points?

Okay, I can tell, shaker-knit sweater.

Do you still have a wad of canadian tire money

In a tin in the garage?

Yeah, okay.

[applause]

Do you know who hal and joanne are?

Of course you do.

[applause]

Do you recognize bay days as a national holiday?

[applause] okay.

Do you know what it was like working on coronation street?

[applause] [laughter]

If you clapped yes to the majority of these questions,

You're as canadian as a gst cheque.

Congratulations, folks!

You get to stay for the rest of the show.

[applause]

Are you ready to meet our first comic?

[applause]

Ever have those days where nothing seems to go right?

This performer has a word for that: Childhood.

Please welcome a guy who has grown up

Into a very funny grownup, leonard chan.

[applause]

[applause]

Leonard: Hi, I'm leonard.

I'll be your asian for the night.

Yeah, I'm an asian comic.

There's not a lot of us.

I don't think a lot of asians have the courage to get on stage

And destroy their parents' dreams.

[laughter]

Oh, man.

Yeah, my parents hate that I'm an asian comic, they hate it,

And but it's their fault that I'm asian, obviously.

[laughter]

So, my parents moved to canada,

I needed a canadian name,

My parents named me leonard.

Yup, it's a stupid name.

[laughter]

I don't like my name.

Look, here's the problem, it's not a name that women can

Scream out in bed.

You know, like,

"oh, yes, leonard."

[laughter]

"right there, leonard." [laughs]

It's like, "please stop saying my name,

"it sounds like you're banging a dentist."

[laughter]

Kids in grade school used to make fun of me.

They used to call me "le nerd ."

Because you live in a bilingual country,

I got made fun of in two languages.

[laughter]

But it doesn't matter what my name is,

Kids would have made fun of me anyways

'cause my immigrant mom made the immigrant mistake

Of sending me to school with an immigrant lunch,

All right?

Look, everybody knows asians eat weird stuff, okay?

You know, scorpion, jellyfish, dog, whatever.

[laughter]

We eat everything.

All right, in china, the show planet earth

Airs on the food network.

[laughter]

So...

My mom sent me to school with ox tongue,

Which is delicious, all right,

But the kids made fun of me.

I went home crying to my mom, "no more tongue!"

Which is a weird thing to say to your mom.

[laughter]

[applause]

So I got made fun of being too chinese, so I said,

"I'm gonna become more canadian."

You know, I listened to canadian music,

I ate canadian bacon, I married a canadian woman,

I embraced my canadian side so hard

You could call me chan of green gables.

[laughter]

But I think I overcompensated

'cause then all my chinese friends

Started making fun of me for being too canadian,

And I was, like, "I don't know what that means,"

So I went online, took a quiz: "how canadian are you?"

[laughter]

Turns out I am 76% canadian,

Which is very canadian,

But taking that test made me realize that I have not

Forgotten my chinese roots,

Because I was furious that I only got 76%.

[laughter]

[applause]

So, one of the very canadian things I do is I go camping,

'cause I married a white woman, so I have to.

Look, asians don't understand camping, all right?

In chinese, the word for camping is "homeless."

[laughter]

Oh, man.

No, my parents moved to canada, I'm very happy about that,

They moved to canada,

America's hat, and it's so much better,

'cause they could have moved to america,

Canada's jockstrap.

[laughter]

But canada and america get compared all the time, you know,

And I think they're very different countries,

And all you have to do is look at the leaders, all right.

Canada elected justin trudeau.

He's very pretty, you know, he tries a little bit too hard,

He's like the anne hathaway of world leaders.

But, you know, but he's well-read,

He speaks english and french, he's very canadian.

Now, america... [exhales]

Yeah, america elected donald trump,

The donald trump of world leaders.

[laughter]

You know, can't read, barely speaks english.

The only thing canadian about him is that

He's the same colour as kraft dinner.

[laughter]

[applause]

All right, like, I love canada.

All right, clean water, universal health care,

Women's curling.

[laughter]

Women's curlers are so hot.

Is it just me?

Just they're so hot.

[applause]

I think, I think it's 'cause I'm a fan of punctuality,

So I just get turned on any time a woman yells at me to hurry.

[laughter]

[applause]

"yeah, hurry hard!" "oh, I will."

Oh, I will. [laughs]

No, but I love women's curling, and I love canada,

I love canada, but I'm not american about it, you know,

'cause americans are obnoxiously patriotic,

They need you to know that they're american, right?

But canadians, like, we're proud to be canadian,

But part of being canadian is that,

Especially as a child of an immigrant,

We never forget who we are, all right?

I think that is really the difference

Between our two countries.

And I think here's an example to illustrate the difference,

All right?

I was recently in europe, I was at the airport,

I was in line to board my flight, and this woman,

Wearing a shirt made out of a us flag and a hat that said

"make america great again,"

Which were both probably made in china.

[laughter]

She cuts in front of me in line, all right, but I'm a canadian,

So I don't say anything.

She gets on the plane in front of me.

She's got three bags,

She puts them in the overhead compartment,

There's no room for my stuff, but I'm a canadian,

So I don't say anything.

And then she gets in the seat right in front of me,

Reclines the seat the whole way, right in my face,

But I'm a canadian,

So I don't say anything.

But because I'm chinese,

I passive-aggressively kneed her in the back

For the entire flight.

[laughter]

[applause]

Yeah.

I might not be able to make america great again,

But as a minority,

I can definitely make america uncomfortable.

All right, you guys have been fantastic!

Thank you guys very much!

[applause]

Announcer: After the break,

Jess salomon runs for the border.

[applause]

Jonathan: Currently living in the us,

This comic is making her triumphant return.

It's jess salomon!

[applause]

[applause]

Jess: Thank you.

It is really nice to be back in canada.

I do live in america.

Um, I moved there just before the last election and,

Thank you, and I moved there with my muslim wife,

Because I'm making all the best choices all of the time,

That's my thing, that's what I like to do.

I am from montreal originally,

And now in the us I actually miss quebecois french,

Who knew, who knew that would happen,

But I do.

They have great slang, great slang.

Do you-- I don't know if you guys know

The quebecois slang word for penis.

They call it a "graine."

That means grain.

Grain, literally the smallest unit of measurement,

Perceptible by the human eye without the aid of a microscope.

"graine," it's slang, they made it up.

They could have gone with anything, anything.

Quebecois guys call their best friend "le gros," big guy,

And their dick a grain... What? What is happening?

[laughter]

How confident are quebecois guys that their call their dick

A grain and think that they can have their own country?

You know, it's, come on.

[laughter]

I like doing that joke in manitoba, um,

Definitely went better here than in trois-rivieres,

I have to say, well, that was...

[laughter]

I do come back to canada every so often.

Usually I, like, get worked up in a panic

About what's happening in america.

I'm always-- like, it's just-- it's not good, it's very bad,

You know what I mean? Like, down there

I'm just calling up senators,

Pretending I live in swing states.

I don't know if I'm helping.

I don't know if that's working.

Is that what we're supposed to be doing?

I'm hitting marches, that's my main form of cardio,

I'm at the March, I am. And you know what?

And, yeah, thank you. I am a she-ro,

And I, you know, I... I'm doing what I can.

I've been very proud of my signs, I have to say,

At the marches.

I know that's not, like,

The point of the March or anything.

I was at a gay March not too long ago with my wife,

And my sign said "jihad me at hello,"

So I thought that was pretty cute.

Thank you.

[laughter]

[applause]

I do appreciate that canada is going through this, like,

Popular, you know, time internationally.

We're very popular as a country.

Everybody is a fan of canada.

Definitely in america they are, and that's nice,

'cause there was a period of time

When harper was prime minister and like, that

Sweet, sweet oil money was flowing.

You guys remember?

And, you know, it was a moment where I feel like canada

Was going through a little bit of an asshole phase, right?

Like, we were still apologetic, but it was kind of in this,

Like, dickish way, right, where we just had all that money.

It was, like, "oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

"is there a global economic crisis going on?"

"I'm sorry, like, is greece bankrupt, is greece...

"I'm sorry, I couldn't tell, I've been too busy up here

"printing see-through $100 bills,

"I don't know what's happening. What's, what's there... "

"oh, I'm sorry, are our emissions making winters

"too warm for you, is that? Oh really?

"uh-huh, have you ever had a frost-bitten nipple?

"has that happened to you?

"has that happened?

"have you ever poured hot coffee over your car door

"just to get inside?

"do you know what that's like? Yeah?

"have you ever gone outside with wet hair and had a chunk

"just break right off? Has that happened to you?"

It's happened to me, you know?

[laughter]

When harper was prime minister, um,

The toronto zoo split up a gay penguin couple.

Yeah, buddy and pedro, those were their names, you guys.

Buddy and pedro, the first gay latino jewish

Penguin love story

Just ended, you know.

Just let the penguins be gay, right?

Like, what is canada, if not a country that celebrates

Multicultural gay penguin love?

That's who we are.

Justin trudeau would never have allowed that,

He would have gone down to the zoo

And officiated their wedding, for sure, you know?

[laughter]

[applause]

Here's a thing, we have a prime minister

Who is a sex symbol,

And that's why it's hard for me to understand,

Maybe you guys will be outraged by this, 'cause I am, um,

That "canadian" is not a category of porn.

[laughter]

We're not a fetish group.

How is that possible?

Look at us, you know?

Look at this guy. Come on, you know?

And there's a category for everything in porn.

Specific nationalities even.

Czech porn,

Someone knows about it.

Czech porn, czech porn,

That's a category, right?

Not like czechoslovakian porn,

'cause who wants to see any cold war era porn?

I mean, that's-- what is that, even?

Just a bunch of people banging in line

While they wait for bread? I don't know, um...

[laughter]

But the crtc has our back

Because they issued a notice against three

Canadian porn channels for not broadcasting

Enough canadian porn.

That is an absolutely true story,

Something that happened with our tax money,

And I can't believe that there's someone out there,

I'm assuming a man, who has a job

Of watching porn to decide

Whether it's canadian enough.

[laughter]

I've decided to apply for this job and, um...

So I've come up with a list of canadian porn titles

I wanted to test out on you. Are you guys ready?

Okay, canadian porn titles, number one,

Pou-tine it in.

It's pretty good, right? That's a good one.

Milfs in the hall, not bad.

Uh, zamboners three.

[laughter]

Two minutes in the box, yeah?

Okay.

[laughter]

Inuk-shook you all night long.

[laughter]

And sexy nurses paid for by the government!

[laughter]

Thank you, guys. You've been amazing.

Have a good night!

Announcer: Up next, howie miller's cross-country

Territorial tour.

[applause]

Jonathan: Like the montell jordan classic,

He's here to show us this is how we do it.

Please welcome a winnipeg favourite, howie miller!

[applause]

[applause]

Howie: Yes, burling down and down white water,

The log driver's waltz

Pleases girls completely.

[laughter]

Until I was 8 years old,

I thought that was the national anthem.

[laughter]

And did you hear now we're changing it?

Now, I'm 100% for updating the third line

To make it more inclusive,

But we haven't gone back far enough, people.

We need to go back, all the way back,

To the second line and address the elephant in the room.

I used to think the second line, actually went

"your home's on native land."

[laughter]

[applause]

No, if we're gonna start making changes,

I suggest we make that line a little more,

I don't know, historically accurate.

O canada,

Sorry we stole your land.

[laughter]

Apologizing is huge in canada's culture,

But not my culture.

Did you know that there isn't a word for sorry

In my cree language?

That's because we didn't do anything to apologize for.

[laughter]

I've always looked at this great nation as one big family,

And the map of canada as a family portrait.

British columbia,

That young enthusiastic drama student, niece.

Look at me, look at me, I'm supernatural.

[laughter]

It's the hipster pot smoking, gluten free,

Gonna fix the world hub of the country.

[laughter]

Alberta is that rich drunk uncle that's kind of racist,

But it's okay because at some point

He's gonna give you some money.

[laughter]

Saskatchewan is the old grandfather farmer,

Super old-school, and no matter what you say,

You're never gonna change him.

[laughter]

Manitoba...

[applause]

That little sister that just wants to be noticed.

[laughter]

"is he talking about me? I hope he's talking about me.

"I really hope he's talking about me!

"do I look good? I don't think I look good.

"oh, my god, it's cold."

[laughter]

Ontario, they're those pompous, arrogant,

Distant relations that nobody likes,

Because they think they're better than everybody else,

And they sound so pretentious.

"I'm going up to the cottage this weekend.

"do you want to come to the cottage?"

[laughter]

You know what the rest of us call that?

"yeah, I'm going up to the cabin, eh?"

[laughter]

Why are they calling it a cottage for?

What are they, making cheese?

[laughter]

Quebec, quebec, mon ami, eh?

She is that older sister

That can't wait to grow up and move out.

[laughter]

They have fought so hard to make canada bilingual.

Yeah, because you wouldn't want to lose a language

Your people have been speaking for thousands of years,

Would ya?

[laughter]

Would ya ?

[laughter]

[applause]

The maritimes, the maritimes are those little aunties

That everybody has that always worry about you.

"oh, lord, get inside before you catch a cold.

"have some moose stew, eat up now."

♪

You get a couple of them together,

You can't understand a word they're saying.

[laughter]

"I'll drop by round by and by.

"yeah, by fire proscaf."

[laughter]

And the weird thing for me,

The natives talk like that out there, too.

[laughter]

[applause]

I met one of them. He's like,

"lord, counter gees and by god, howie miller,

"how she be?"

[laughter]

Like, don't talk like that, you're native!

Talk like this, eh?

[laughter]

[applause]

The territories, the territories are the newest

Youngest member of canada

For the longest time, I thought the territories

Were just waiting to become real provinces,

Like their application was still being processed.

[laughter]

But there's a lot of native people up there,

So if that were the case,

Those files would probably be filed into the gaping black hole

That is the native issue inbox.

Where's the outbox, people?

[laughter]

When are some of the "issues" going to be reconciled?

[laughter]

Reconciliation, reconciliation...

I remember, hey, my native brothers and sisters

Standing hand in hand across the nation,

Our hearts open, our heads high, full of excitement,

We're just waiting, and what did we get?

"oh sorry, eh?"

[laughter]

Well, it's a start.

And you can't get much more canadian than that.

[laughter]

[applause]

Announcer: When we return, amanda brooke perrin

Is living the american dream

On winnipeg comedy festival.

[applause]

Jonathan: Like the city of vancouver he now calls home,

There is nothing low rent about this comic.

Put your hands together and make it sound like rain

For jacob samuel!

[applause]

[applause]

Jacob: Wow, uh, thank you.

So, I live in vancouver now,

But I actually grew up in toronto,

Aka "the 6," right?

That's the nickname that the rapper drake gave us,

And I think that "the 6"

Is the perfect nickname for toronto,

Because out of 10...

[laughter]

Toronto is a city that's always trying to prove itself,

Even though it's the biggest city we have,

And it's because it's the one place

That america didn't want.

Here's a quick history lesson.

In 1813,

The united states invaded canada, this is true,

And they conquered toronto,

And for a few days they looked at the city,

And then...

They walked back to buffalo.

[laughter]

They got toronto for free and they were, like,

No thank you.

So, it's just a quick shout out to my old hometown, toronto,

The 6, aka america's one-night-stand.

[laughter]

Sometimes I feel like a sub-par canadian

Because my french is tres mal,

And it really should be mei-lleur,

'cause my first 8 years of elementary school

Were in french immersion,

Then in my 20s I lived in montreal for, like,

4 years, and after all that,

My french is only good enough

To understand cultural references.

Like, I can translate the title of the movie

Chocolat very quickly.

[laughter]

And I know that the band named bon jovi

Is actually french for good jovi.

♪

And now I live in vancouver, or as I call it, canada light

[laughter]

'cause they're on the west coast,

We don't face the same meteorological challenges

As the rest of the country.

Vancouver is the largest concentration of canadians

Who have no idea what to do when it snows.

They all run out with umbrellas for some reason.

Oh, the rain is really fluffy today.

[laughter]

People in vancouver also say some crazy things.

They brag a lot about the city now.

Ever since I've lived there, people have been writing

And talking about how they think that vancouver bc,

Is now officially a world-class city.

And... No.

[laughter]

Not even close. But people from vancouver

Don't fact-check that

'cause they don't read,

'cause that's not part of a triathlon.

[laughter]

[applause]

And I'll ask people, I'll say, "why do you think vancouver

"is a world-class city?"

And they always give one piece of evidence.

They say, "well, it's because in 2010

"we hosted the winter olympics."

Ooh, la-dee-da.

You know who hosted the winter olympics

20 years before vancouver?

Calgary... Alberta.

If you can be compared to calgary in any way,

You're not world class.

[laughter]

That's a shout out to my current hometown, vancouver, aka the 5.

[laughter]

We have two major sports trophies,

The grey cup and the stanley cup,

Both of which we decided to make out of silver,

'cause that's how humble we are,

We want our champions to still feel like they're second place.

[laughter]

Like a lot of canadians, I follow politics

Very closely

When it's american.

And something

Always happens in american elections that perplexes me:

Um, always there'll be left-wing american actors

Who will threaten to move to canada

If the republicans win,

And I don't think they understand

How much of a demotion it is

To go from being, like, a hollywood actor

To a, uh...

Canadian actor.

[laughter]

Like, like, what are you talking about?

You're gonna taken a million percent pay cut

To be in a show that ends with "of green gables"?

[laughter]

The rapper drake has a song where he says

That he started from the bottom,

And the bottom he's talking about

Is when he was an actor

On canadian tv.

Guys, thank you so much.

You've been fantastic.

[applause]

Jonathan: This canadian comic now lives in la

And proves you can take the 'u' out of humour,

But you can't take the humour out of this comic.

It's amanda brooke perrin!

[applause]

[applause]

Amanda: Hi, you guys. It's so nice to be here.

I do live in the states, so it's super nice to be here.

Don't send me back.

Seriously, though, it's--

Have you guys been checking out what

They even got going on down there?

Let me catch you up real quick: Guns, racism,

Women aren't people.

It is truly stunning this time of year.

You gotta... Gotta check it.

I've actually been calling my night terrors

My american dreams.

[laughter]

It's a cool time to be a woman right now.

Well, it's a little bit less of a nightmare, I would say,

With, like, the me too movement and the marches.

It's sort of like every man was handed

The right prescription of glasses,

And some of them put them on and they're, like, wow,

I was blind, but now I see.

But some of them put them on,

Saw an outspoken woman and they were like, what is it?

Do we bomb it, or have sex with it?

[laughter]

It's interesting finding out what americans know

About canadian politics.

The only thing they do know is the name justin trudeau,

And even then it's jason sometimes.

It's jason most of the time, or "that hot guy that's, like,

"president but in canada."

[laughter]

It's usually the--

They're not wrong, though, like,

Justin trudeau seems like a bit of an accident to me.

Like, I feel like the canadian government

Were having a meeting on how to make their politics

A little bit more sexy,

And then justin burst into the room and he was like,

"is this where the auditions for rent are?"

[laughter]

Ah, I'm single. Hold for applause.

Hold for applause. Okay, sorry.

It says it in the prompter.

Um, I am.

I was down there for the election,

And all my friends were like, "amanda,

"you must be getting so many marriage proposals."

And I did not at all,

Except for one sketchy dude that was, like,

"do you want to be blood brothers?"

And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna count it, I will count it.

I'll be your blood brother.

Are you together? Okay, never mind.

[laughter] cool.

I'm an invisible lady in la, and I'm not being--

I'm not beating myself up, it's just a fact.

Like, in canada I think I could maybe a 7,

And in la I'm a shape,

I'm not even a number,

Just a shape of a woman.

They're like, "what is it?

"what are you?"

[laughter]

Okay, here an example, I was in a bar one time,

And a handsome man was beside me and I smiled at him,

And then he took a swig of his beer,

Burped and then blew it in my face.

[laughter]

I learned a lot about myself in that moment,

'cause I just sort of closed my eyes

And let it wash over me like sea breeze.

[laughter]

I was like, there's that california air

I've been hearing all about.

There it is.

I get called out on apologizing a lot, which we do.

We say "sorry" correct, by the way.

Do you guys agree, we say it correct?

Sore -y.

I think that they just don't know how to say it

'cause they never do it, or they just, like,

Blame it on the nearest person

And/or country, they just do that.

But we do apologize too much.

Like, I remember when I was a kid I was at a festival,

And a man burnt me with his cigarette,

And I apologized to him.

I don't really remember what happened.

I think I was just like, I'm sorry for getting in the way

Of your cancer baton, my liege.

[laughter]

I'm worried that I apologize to the point of, like,

Like, what will happen at my funeral?

Someone will get on stage with, like,

A pre-written script I've written.

"amanda's really sorry she couldn't make it here today."

[laughter]

"but at least she died doing what she loved,

"apologizing to a falling tree."

[laughter]

Thank you guys so much.

[inaudible]

[applause]

Announcer: Still to come, with glowing rod,

Big daddy tazz!

[applause]

Jonathan: Remember how your dad would love to tell you stories

About what it was like when he was a kid?

Well, instead of rolling your eyes,

You're gonna be rolling in the aisles with this dad.

It's winnipeg's own big daddy tazz!

[applause]

[applause]

Tazz: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

You know, growing up in canada, as a kid on the prairies

Especially, was the same thing every weekend,

Saturday, Sunday, the same thing.

Saturday you got up and you did your chores, right,

And then you watched the cartoons.

There was two.

Rocket robin hood,

Where little john's eye would blink

And go away and come back and go away.

[laughter]

And hark, hark, it's danalus, it's danalus.

[laughter]

We only have three channels, it was called farmer vision.

We had cbc, a blurry channel,

And the french channel.

[laughter]

And nobody watched this french channel

Until you turned into a 13-year-old boy,

And you're like, "there's naked people on that channel."

[laughter]

"ha-ha, I'm gonna be bilingual!"

[laughter]

And you spent the whole day outside.

After your chores, you'd go outside

-30, +30, it didn't matter.

The only difference was that at, at -30,

You were trying to convince your sister

That that frosty pole tasted like a strawberry.

[laughter]

Lick it, lick it.

Huh?

And the lunch, oh my god,

You'd come in for the lunch and it would be some sort of

Stereotypical canadian lunch,

A grilled cheese product of some sort,

Coupled with some sort of campbell's soup

That was on sale.

[laughter]

Or your grandmother would make kraft dinner

With hotdogs cut up in it,

Already cut up in it,

And then you'd go off to, you know,

On your own and you'd try to make that,

Replicate that comfort meal,

And you couldn't do it. You'd be, like--

Phone grandma and she, "how are you doing?"

I said, "I'm gonna make the kraft dinner."

She goes, "well, the first thing you do is you take the wieners

"and put them in the water

"and you boil it 'til it turns white,

"then you take the wieners out

"and you use that same water to make the macaroni."

[laughter]

And I said, "ahh,"

And I said, "how much milk do you use?"

She goes, "milk, you don't use milk, butter!"

[laughter]

"butter, well, how much butter?"

"all of it! All the butter."

[laughter]

And then you go back outside and come back in at 5 o'clock,

'cause every Saturday at 5 o'clock

It was the real cartoons,

It was the bugs bunny road runner hour, yeah.

[laughter]

[applause]

Then had supper, and after supper you had a bath.

Huh, and if you were the oldest kid, it was awesome.

If you weren't the oldest, not too good.

Why? Oldest kids, what did they get?

Warm, clean water.

Oh, yeah, I was the oldest kid and my sister

Didn't get that water 'til that water was done

And white just like the wiener water when I was done.

[laughter]

And the only reason that my sister got warm water

Is if I got cold in the tub.

[laughter]

You'd get out and you put on your pjs,

And your dad would try to dry you hair

Like he was trying to start a fire.

[laughter]

And what did you cuddle up

And watch every Saturday with your old man?

Hockey night in canada .

Yeah, and my job was to fix the antenna.

[laughter]

Sometimes I was the antenna.

[laughter]

Oh, yeah, okay, yeah...

Okay, huh, huh, good, no?

Then my dad would come and put that little foil thing

From his cigarette in there, okay.

[laughter]

Okay, hold it there!

Hold it there 'til the leafs win the cup.

Okay.

[laughter]

And you didn't realize there was three periods in the hockey,

'cause you went to bed after peter puck.

As soon as you heard howie meekers, well, okay,

Back it up there, back it up, kid, it's right there,

You're off to bed. Why?

'cause you had to be rested, 'cause the next day was church.

And go to church for kinship and fellowship and we're--

And, huh, Sunday school.

[laughter]

The first time I ever did get in trouble

Was in Sunday school,

Because there was a picture of jesus

And he was standing like this.

So, I wrote-- I drew a circle here;

I drew a square on this,

And two rectangles.

[laughter]

And the reverend goes, "what are you doing?"

"jesus is a goalie."

[laughter]

He goes, "why is, he's a goalie?"

I said, "you said jesus saves, right?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pop!

Oh, yeah.

[applause]

I got smacked by him,

And I went home and I got in trouble,

I was grounded for 3 days 'cause I had disrespected the church.

But when my mom passed away and I went through her stuff,

She still had that picture.

[laughter]

And you had to have your bath before supper,

And get in your pjs, and get set up,

Because Sunday night

You had to be in your pjs and set up,

And it was the only day,

The only day of the week you were allowed to sit

In front of the tv and you had to be there before 6 o'clock,

'cause what came on at 6 o'clock every Sunday?

The wonderful world of disney .

If you're a couple minutes early,

You got to see some hymn sing.

You didn't understand it, you didn't know.

[laughter]

You watch disney and then it was

The canadian version of bay watch

Called the beachcombers .

[laughter]

Who had long hair and cleavage?

Jesse. [laughter]

Then it was the irish rovers talking about

More kinds of animals than you've ever seen,

And then depending where you lived or your age,

It was either gunsmoke or bonanza ,

And then it was good night john boy,

Good night mary ellen, good night tazzy,

Because it was the waltons and it was time to go to bed.

I'll tell ya three words, three words

Could destroy your Sunday night when you were a kid,

Three little words:

Tommy hunter special.

[laughter]

[applause]

It was a simpler time, but I'll tell ya,

I would give almost anything to go back there

And be there for a day,

Not the whole day.

[laughter]

I just want to stay there till the streetlights came on,

And then I'd come back home.

Well, you know what?

I got a lot of stuff to watch on the french channel,

So I'll see ya later.

[laughter]

[applause]

[cheering]

Jonathan: This was so much fun, winnipeg.

Thanks for coming out and celebrating this

Wonderful country of not america.

Now go out and collect your souvenir parking tickets.

Good night, everybody! Thank you so much!

[applause]

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