Original subtitles

Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival

Proudly presents everything's relative.

Now, the head of our comedy family,

Your host, dave foley!

[applause]

[applause]

Dave: Oh...

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness, aw... Thank you all.

You know, my mother was english, so that--

I only assume that's what being loved feels like.

[laughter]

My name is dave foley, and I'm guessing

That most of you probably know me from the kids in the hall.

[applause]

Unless you were born after 1990,

In which case you probably know me best from,

Well, probably from right now. Uh...

You're thinking, "hey, aren't you guy

"that I'm currently looking at?"

Why, yes, I am, thank you.

[laughter]

But, yeah, the kids in the hall is obviously

What I'm best known for, and some people have even

Described us as the beatles of canadian comedy,

Which I think is only fair 'cause I paid well

For them to say that. Um...

And I, of course, was the cute one, you know?

[laughter]

Then for a little while I was the famous one,

And after that, I was the divorced one,

And for a long time I was the sad one,

Followed by an equally extended run as

The "legally prohibited from coming to canada" one.

And nowadays I'm the...

"hey, didn't he look older 10 years ago?" one.

[laughter]

Yes, because I'm also the "he quit drinking" one.

Thank you. [laughter]

Thank you.

[applause]

So, tonight's theme is family,

Or as I like to think of it,

The original f-word.

And sure, sure, a family doesn't have the shock value

Of the other f-word, but when it comes right down to it,

Nothing fucks you up like family.

[laughter]

But the cool thing about family is that it's the one context

Where you're allowed to be the absolute

Worst version of yourself

Without any discernible consequences,

Because families, it's a safe place for assholes, right?

[laughter]

You know, 'cause I recently read a quote that said,

"family is one of nature's great masterpieces,"

Which I think it's more accurate to say

That family is a-- it's a decent first draft,

'cause you just think about your own extended family,

And aren't there just a few significant edits

You'd like to make?

And anyone who says that humans

Don't have a biological imperative

To love their children

Has never changed a diaper,

'cause if you did that for literally anyone else,

It would be a deal breaker, right?

I think if the cia replaced waterboarding

With emptying a diaper genie,

There would be no more terrorism.

[laughter]

You know, I know for me I had kind of a strained relationship

With my parents when I was younger, you know,

But I get along with them exceedingly well now

As an adult, and I give them full credit for that

'cause they did this really cool thing.

They died.

[laughter]

Anybody, anybody here got dead parents, anyone?

[clapping] I know.

It's a sweet deal, isn't it?

It is awesome.

Dead parents are the best.

I mean, it's sad at first, right?

I mean, let's assume that it's sad at first,

But once you push through that phase,

It is just the best.

[laughter]

Everything is less complicated, life,

Your life just becomes streamlined.

It's like, holidays--

"honey, what do you want to do at christmas?"

"I don't care, my parents are dead."

[laughter]

And dead parents, they never complain

That you don't call enough.

Dead parents never criticize your decisions.

Dead parents never try to teach your kids how to be racist.

[laughter]

Now, a dead parent is a great parent,

And that's what I always tell my daughter.

I say, "look, hon, I may not be the greatest dad right now,

"but I promise you when I'm dead,

"you're gonna love it."

[laughter]

Yeah, and my daughter is, she's 14 years old now,

And by far the best human being that I know of,

To a degree that it makes me really

Doubt her paternity.

[laughter]

You know, and there's something bittersweet about, you know,

Having a 14-year-old, you know?

Having your kid become a teenager.

They go from being this adorable little baby,

And sometimes I feel like I just,

I blinked and she was a toddler,

And then when I opened my eyes again, she's this

Beautiful young woman saying grown up things like,

"dad, wake up, you've been in a coma for 10 years."

[laughter]

But there are things I won't miss about having, you know,

Really young kids, you know,

Like getting them off to school in the morning.

You know, getting kids ready for school, it's, you know,

It's like kicking drunks out of your house.

[laughter]

It's true. It takes forever,

And they make a huge mess,

And there's a really good chance that one of these assholes

Is gonna piss himself before they're gone.

[laughter]

Thank you.

[applause]

So, now are you guys ready for your first performer?

Ready to see some comedy?

All right.

[applause]

Now, this comedian, I'll be honest,

He looks a bit like me when I was his age,

And he also looks a bit like

A woman that I had a one-night stand with

9 months before he was born.

[laughter]

But I'm pretty sure what I just said never happened,

So please welcome mayce galoni!

[applause]

[applause]

Mayce: Hello!

Thank you very much, everybody.

Hello, my name is mayce.

When I was 4 years old, my parents got divorced,

Which I'm glad about.

I'm glad that it happened then, you know,

'cause I think that that's something that's a lot easier

To deal with the younger you are, you know.

Like, if you're a kid and your parents get divorced,

You get ice cream.

If you're an adult and your parents get divorced,

You get details.

[laughter]

Like, your mom is like, "your dad has a gambling problem,"

And your dad is like, "I'm not your dad."

[laughter]

So, yeah, it wasn't too bad for me.

In fact, my parents would always brag

That they had a very smooth divorce.

That's a weird thing to brag about.

That's like bragging that you had a very rhythmic seizure,

Or very quiet diarrhea.

[laughter]

It's not what the plan was, I assume, you know?

But the weirdest part about it is seeing the decisions

Your parents make when they start dating, you know?

Like, my dad started dating this girl named catherine,

And the first time we met her we were having dinner,

And she told us that she believed

She had telekinesis,

And then we had to watch her stare at a fork

And try to move it with her mind.

For 2 minutes, silently.

Just like, really, dad, this is who you think

Is better than mom?

Magneto?

[laughter]

But my mom is great.

I love her a lot.

I will say no one is better at embarrassing me in public

Than my mom.

Like, for her birthday I took her to the aquarium,

And she kept referring to it as a date the whole time.

Like, her friend called, she's like,

"oh, I can't talk right now, I'm on a date."

I was like, "please don't. There are people around,

"and I don't want them thinking that I signed up

"for cougar life,

"and picked a woman that looks like me in a vest."

That's...

[laughter]

[applause]

I moved out from home last year, and I'm glad I did that

'cause my mom had some very weird habits.

Like, she would frequently go pee

With the bathroom door wide open,

And then start conversations with me

While that was happening.

Yeah, like, she'd just yell my name,

She'd go, "mayce!"

And the first time it happened I didn't know,

I thought something was wrong, I rushed there,

I got ambushed by my pantless mother.

I was like, "jesus, what's going on?"

She goes, "I needed to ask you a question.

"are you gonna be home for dinner?"

[laughter]

"no, I don't think I'm eating ever again actually."

[laughter]

"can you at least put on your vest?"

[laughter]

I also have two older sisters,

So I grew up in a house full of women,

And there's a lot of stereotypes

About what women are supposed to be like,

What femininity is, that they're supposed to be quiet

And gentle and clean,

And I think that that's too narrow.

I don't think that that defines all of what a woman can be.

It definitely did not describe the house that I grew up in,

'cause it was more like a frat house.

They would fart and swear

And crush tampon boxes on their foreheads.

[laughter]

Don't get me wrong, I think I'm a more sensitive person

Because I had sisters, but it's more

Because of the mean things they said to me.

[laughter]

And they'd try to intimidate me physically all the time, too.

Like one time when I was, like, 7 years old,

My sister was supposed to wash the dishes,

But she didn't want to, so as soon as my mom left the room,

She goes, "mayce, you wash the dishes."

And I was like, "no, it's your turn."

And then she punched me in the face,

And I'm not proud of what I did next,

But I was just so mad,

I just immediately

Started washing those dishes.

[laughter]

There is a new generation in our family now, though.

I have a nephew that's 10 years old,

And he's the best, I love him.

I talk to him almost every day,

And I just love having him around

Because there are so many things about my life

That he appreciates that nobody else does, you know.

Like, I told him recently

That I eat mcdonald's almost every day,

And that's pathetic for an adult, but I told him,

And it blew his mind.

I became his hero instantly.

He's like, "what, you can do that?

"that's awesome.

"that's probably why you're so good at farts."

[laughter]

But he is a very different type of kid than I was.

Like, he's very cool and popular.

It's hard to even give him advice for the problems

He's having, you know.

Like, one time I picked him from school,

And this was his problem, he goes,

"ah, today at recess, these two girls

"were chasing me around the whole time,

"trying to kiss me, and I just wanted to go

"play football with my friends, you know?"

And I was like, "oh yeah, I know, yeah.

"that's a tough one, we've all been there,

"I get it."

I do not get it, but I still try to give them advice.

Like, "hey, buddy, maybe you could try not being

"an ungrateful prick." you know?

[laughter]

Don't worry, I didn't say that to my nephew,

I commented on his instagram from a fake account, but...

[laughter]

One problem that we're having, though

Is that he doesn't like to read. He really hates reading.

My family is trying to get him into it.

I thought I could help get him into it,

'cause I loved reading when I was a kid,

But it is a hard sell nowadays, you know?

Like, he has these amazing video games

With these incredible worlds that he can explore,

And I'm trying to get him to look at paper.

That's like trying to get someone riding a jet ski

To switch to a canoe.

Just like, "hey, try this, it's slower and exhausting."

[laughter]

I will play video games with him,

But I don't like what he's being exposed to in the games.

Like, we were playing grand theft auto recently,

And he picked up a prostitute in the game,

And they stay in the car,

You don't see what's happening in there,

But he's not a dumb kid;

He knows what's happening in there,

Which pissed me off because...

He would not tell me.

[laughter]

Thank you very much, really, you guys have been great.

Have a great show.

Narrator: After the break, charles haycock

Goes to grandma's house.

E]

Dave: This next comedian is the kind of you guy

You want your daughter to bring home for you to meet.

He's young, easily subdued,

And has two healthy un-harvested kidneys.

[laughter]

You guys all traffic human organs

With your daughter, right?

So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome charles haycock!

[applause]

[applause]

Charles: Oh, man, that's pretty nice.

Thanks for that, man.

You know, my grandparents actually grew up around here,

And... They turned out all right, you know?

[laughter]

So that's a good thing.

And I still, I visit them a lot,

And it's a bit of a problem

Because I enjoy it too much, you know.

For example, whenever I go, naturally

I'll use the bathroom at some point,

But then the problem is

My grandma, inside of her bathroom,

She has a cushion toilet seat,

And a stack of magazines,

And scented glowing candles,

And she says, "charles, don't take too long."

Then don't provide comfort, entertainment

And fragrant atmosphere.

[laughter]

If you want me to leave, don't fulfil my dreams.

[laughter]

'cause now I'm just forced to wait until I remember

Why I went there.

[laughter]

Oh, yeah, this ain't no normal chair.

[laughter]

I just got so wrapped up in this chatelaine article.

[laughter]

Apparently the ponytail is making a comeback.

[laughter]

But that's not even the craziest thing

Is the cushion toilet seat,

Because the craziest thing is that my grandma

Also has a cushion

Toilet seat lid.

[laughter]

Who needs a cushion on the lid?

Who is sitting on the toilet and not even using the toilet?

[laughter]

Sad people.

Actually you can't cure depression,

But you can make it private and comfortable.

[laughter]

[applause]

Uh, thanks.

[applause]

Yeah, it's kind of crazy, man, my grandma turned 93,

So that's pretty old, and naturally

She's losing her senses,

But the beautiful part is that she never gives up.

When she watches tv,

She'll turn on the subtitles

And the described video also.

[laughter]

[laughter]

She's like, "I can't hear or see,

"but maybe if I can't hear what I can't see

"and can't see what I can't hear,

"it'll all come together again."

[laughter]

Don't you hate it when your grandma gets sushi

All over your knitting sticks?

[laughter]

My grandpa, he likes to complain,

And I enjoy it because he's always, like, confusing,

Because in one sentence he'll be like,

"when I was a boy,

"whole days of work got ya $1."

And then the next sentence he says the opposite;

He's like, "when I was a boy,

"bicycles only cost $1."

[laughter]

"but grandpa, I think that's how it evens out..."

[laughter]

People making more money,

Things cost equally more money?

It's a scam.

[laughter]

You know, in my day, nobody got paid,

And everything was free.

[laughter]

It was a struggle.

[laughter]

I tell you, you went out there, you toiled in a field

For a whole week, you got paid one nickel.

[laughter]

And then you took that nickel

And you made a down payment on 5 acres.

[laughter]

Later that property sold for $3 million.

But a dollar for gas?

Suck my ass, trudeau!

[laughter]

[applause]

My grandparents, they don't believe in expiry dates.

[laughter]

Every time I visit, man,

I'll always be pulling out something

From the cupboard, like...

'87.

[laughter]

What day of the month, oh no,

These croutons simply precede my birth!

[laughter]

I think these croutons are stale.

Grandma's like, "yeah, that's what croutons is,

"is stale bread. Can't get more stale

"only more crouton," and I'm like... [laughs]

[laughter]

[applause]

It never stops, man.

The other day I'm walking past their kitchen,

She's trying to climb a ladder into the attic.

I'm like, "come on, grandma,

"you can't be climbing ladders into attics,

"you're just too old." she said,

"that's what grandma is is too old,

"can't come out, too old, only more."

"grandma, damn it, you strike again."

[laughter]

"you're really good at this."

I kind of wish she raised me instead of her daughter.

[laughter]

Well, all she taught me was manners,

Not the manipulation techniques

Of a cult leader.

[laughter]

If I have ever have kids,

Definitely giving them to my parents.

[laughter]

They'll have a better time.

But then if my kids give me their kids,

I didn't think this through.

[laughter]

Yeah, man, I don't know.

I just know that if I ever had kids,

I wouldn't repeat myself,

I'd just buy a house that echoes.

[laughter]

What for dinner? Hotdogs.

What? Hotdogs, hotdogs...

Hotdogs, hotdogs...

[laughter]

Yeah, thank you, thank you.

[applause]

Narrator: Up next, defiant daughter

Shirley whalen.

[applause]

Dave: Every child in every family

Needs an aunt like this next comedian,

Someone funny and cool and worldly

Who gets where they're coming from, and more importantly

Is willing to buy them cigarettes.

Ladies and gentlemen, shirley whalen.

[applause]

[applause]

Shirley: Hello!

Hi, everybody, I'm shirley. It's nice to meet you!

Um, I just lied a little bit.

It is nice to meet you,

But my name isn't actually shirley, okay?

My real first name, guys, get this,

Is shirley-anne.

Ew, you hear that, you hear how trashy that sounds?

Shirley-anne!

I have a hyphenated first name, okay?

It feels good to get that off my chest.

In case you guys don't have them,

I'll explain how they work.

It's when your parents instead of giving you

Just one first name, they give you two,

And they join them together using the poverty line

A little bit,

And then you just sort of straddle that forever,

So that's the life that I'm living.

I'm from fort mcmurray, alberta.

You guys heard of that place?

Yeah, okay.

[applause]

So, I grew up on a diet of exclusively

Bologna and second-hand smoke.

That's just what's available there.

And I wasn't one of those babies that people are, like,

Excited to bring into the world, you know?

Like, some people get pregnant, they throw a party,

It's like a celebration all of a sudden.

My mom didn't get a baby shower, she got grounded, so...

[laughter]

That's usually how it goes in my family.

Um, I don't, I don't want to have babies,

But my body super does right now.

Like, I think I'm right in that sweet spot

Between getting my braces off and going grey,

You know, just like peak ovaries,

If that's a thing.

So, sometimes,

Sometimes I'll say stuff that makes it sound

Like I want babies when I really don't,

And it kind of freaks out my boyfriend

'cause he's also not ready,

So I just started using the code phrase "no babies,"

And then I can say whatever I want, right?

So, I'll give you an example.

I'll be like, "no babies,

"but what do you think of the name audrey,

"like, just as a name?

"you know, no babies."

Or I'll be like, "no babies,

"but I just painted the spare room yellow.

"I just had the afternoon off, there's a sale on paint, okay?"

Or, this one's my favourite.

I'll be like, "no babies,

"but I stopped taking my birth control!"

[laughter]

Let's see what happens! Let's roll the dice.

No babies, works every time, right.

We didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up,

So I had barbies, but I would lose all their clothes

All the time and we couldn't afford to replace them,

Because apparently tiny clothes are very expensive,

I didn't know.

So, my grandmother, what she would do,

She would give me the foil out of her cigarettes packages

To make barbie clothes with.

So, I just had all these barbies in these, like,

Flashy dumaurier tube dresses, you know.

[laughter]

Another thing about my family,

I have an ex-step dad. Ww, again!

Ex-step dad ,

That's like all the worst things you can be in one man,

I'm pretty sure.

[laughter]

Like, okay, okay, when you're a kid

And your parents get divorced,

That's kind of a traumatic experience for you, right?

But when your mom divorces your step dad,

It's more like, "well, I told you so."

Like, "let's get this loser out of here."

My step-dad, though, is really cute.

He sat me down, he's like, "you know what, shirley?

"just because me and your mom can't work things out,

"it doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore."

And I was like, "buddy...

"I never loved you!

"surprise!"

Like, you think I cried on your wedding day

Because it was so beautiful?

Like, come on. That is not why, guys.

So, me and my mom, we moved out of his house

And into a stripper's basement in barrie, ontario.

Best place I ever lived, okay,

Because not only did that stripper teach me

How to shave my own butthole--

Very important, gotta get the butthole-

No, I'm kidding,

You guys can be as hairy as you want, it's fine, um...

But she also had a little thing in her house

Called the internet, okay,

And it was the first time in my life that we ever had that,

And the first thing that I did with my newfound power,

I found myself a new dad online, true story, okay?

I made my mom an online dating profile on lavalife.Com,

And she got a ton of messages

Because under her special interests I wrote,

"woodworking," winky face.

[laughter]

Thank you.

[applause]

You guys can use that one if you want to, 'cause it worked,

It totally worked, she met a man that she's been with now

For 14 years,

And I take full credit for that, I do.

Thank you!

[applause]

But that made it impossible for her

To win another argument, right?

'cause she would try to get mad at me for stuff in high school,

And I'd just be like, "oh, I'm sorry,

"you found my weed, I found your soulmate,

"like... Get out of my room."

But despite everything that I said

About my mom so far tonight, she's actually an amazing woman.

We have a great relationship.

She's actually a professional opera singer,

Which I think is very cool.

She's had two operas written for her.

She sang at the governor general's awards once,

Like, she's a way bigger hit than me at parties.

When I was a kid and people would find out

That my mom's an opera singer,

They'd often ask the same question:

"why are you poor?"

And I'd just be like, "I don't know.

"when was the last time you went to the opera?"

Like, that's the last time I ate, okay?

It is not a lucrative business.

[laughter]

But my mom taught me one very important lesson in life,

And that is to do what you love,

Which is why now I make fun of her!

[laughter]

Thanks so much for listening!

I'm shirley.

[applause]

Narrator: When we return, the son is up.

Joe vu is next!

[applause]

Dave: You can tell this comedian really loves his family

By how often he includes them in his material,

And you can tell how much his family loves

Being the butt of his jokes by the fact

That none of them are here tonight.

Please welcome joe vu!

[applause]

[applause]

Joe: Thank you.

Thank you so much.

So, my name's joe,

And about a year and a half ago

I quit my job in advertising,

So I had more time to do stand-up comedy.

Thank you for the applause, thank you.

Thank you. [light applause]

Now, I told my parents, I got the exact same silence.

They were like, "have you forgotten that you're asian?"

[laughter]

Because asian people are not funny people.

We are doctors, lawyers, dentists.

Maybe we know this, maybe innately we know

We're not funny.

That's why we choose to be doctors, lawyers and dentists.

It's like, we all got together and we asked ourselves,

Where is there no laughter?

[laughter]

Yeah, let's do that, that sounds fun.

And I'm like, "but dad, my dream,

"my dream is to be a stand-up comic."

He's like, "dreams,

"dreams are for white people."

[laughter]

And maybe I could have compromised being a lawyer,

But a funny lawyer,

Be in a courtroom and say things like,

"what's the deal with armed robbery?

"because everyone who commits robberies has arms,

"but not every who has arms commits the robberies."

[laughter]

And then the jury would be like, "ha-ha-ha-ha!"

[laughter]

"we find the defendant not guilty,

"and the defendant's lawyer hilarious."

[laughter]

I don't know if your parents are like mine,

Or maybe you are the parent, but my parents

Don't know anything about technology.

Like, they'll organize all the technology they know

Into different drawers,

In case they might need it one day.

I once opened the drawer,

I found 15 different remote controls,

15 different remote controls

And one calculator.

Like, they can't tell the difference between

A remote control and a calculator.

Sometimes I expect to come home and see my mom

Holding a calculator to her head and being like,

"hello, is anyone there?

"I can't hear you."

And I'd be, like, "mom, that's how you use it.

"press ce to hang-up

"and now press the numbers again."

[laughter]

Recently my mom asked me

How she could look at her internet history,

So she could visit websites that she's looked at before,

And I taught her, she learned, everything was great.

A couple weeks later, my dad asked me

How he can hide the websites that he visits.

[laughter]

A couple weeks after that, my mom asked me,

"how do you know if someone's trying to hide the websites

"that they visit?"

[laughter]

So, I'm an immigrant,

That means my parents have done a lot for me,

Like, more than I could ever do for them,

And it's always hard complaining to immigrant parents

Because your problems sound so trivial,

And ii'll be like, "dad, my internet,

"it's the worst.

"sometimes I get disconnected,

"I'll lose the poker hand I'm playing."

[laughter]

He's like, "yeah, son, that does sound like the worst.

"that reminds me of the time I had to sew jewellery

"into your mom's armpits, so we could have something

"to bargain with for our lives as we were escaping

"vietnam on a boat."

[laughter]

"yeah, okay, you win this one, dad."

Or he'll be like, "why don't you visit me more often?"

I'm like, "dad, did you look at the weather report?

"there's supposed to be, like, a 40% chance of snow,

"I can't risk that." he's like, "you're right, son,

"that does sound too risky.

"that risk, that reminds me of the time I had to risk

"a 40% of dying, the pirates, storms, starvation,

"but we don't want you to risk... Snow."

[laughter]

And, like, these are the sacrifices my parents made,

The risks they took so I could live in canada,

And repay them by being a stand-up comedian.

[laughter]

[applause]

And the only thing my parents want in return

Is that I give them grandchildren,

So they're always setting me up on blind dates.

I'm not always onboard, so they'll try to sell it to me.

Like, my dad thinks he's an excellent salesman.

He'll say things like, "joe, you should date this girl,

"you'll like her, she's got big boobs."

[laughter]

"like your mom's."

[laughter]

"really, that's how you're gonna sell it?"

I like boobs, I do,

But don't throw the word "mom" in front of it.

Mom boobs, not cool, dad, not cool.

[laughter]

Like the way a father and a son see mom is different, right?

To help him understand him, I gave him an example.

I was like, "dad, yeah, I'm dating this girl,

"you'll really like her, she's got great boobs,

"like grandma's."

Huh? Huh, how do you like that?

Yeah, not so sexy when I made it about your mom, eh, dad?

[laughter]

Thank so much, guys! My name is joe!

[applause]

Dave: This next comedian currently resides in England,

Or as I like to think of it,

Canada's distant alcoholic mother.

Please welcome dana alexander!

[applause]

[applause]

Dana: Yes, good to see you guys.

So family, family, family.

You know you're getting older

When your friends start to have babies on purpose, you know?

[laughter]

I'm actually getting to the age where not only

Are the older people in my family

Putting pressure on me to have kids,

The younger kids are as well, my little cousins,

They won't even fight in front of me anymore, right.

I caught them fighting the other day,

The older one said to the younger one,

"you're the reason why auntie dana

"doesn't want to have children."

[laughter]

I said, "that's not true."

I said, "the reason I don't want to have kids

"is 'cause I like to travel,

"and I don't want to be poor."

[laughter]

These kids, though, these kids have way more than what we had.

Do you know you can go to a movie in 4dx now?

First of all, I didn't even understand what a 3d movie was.

I'm like, "a 3d movie? Isn't that a play?"

[laughter]

Where'd you get this extra d?

Where'd you get this extra x?

I found out. I went to see black panther.

I'm telling you, there is wind in the theatre,

The chair rumbles, things punch you in your back, you know,

Air blows by your head when bullets whiz by.

There's even aroma

That comes into the theatre, right?

In one scene in the movie, they're in the american ghetto,

And these two kids next to me, the one says,

"do you smell weed, fam?"

[laughter]

Said, "yeah, they put the scents in this movie and everything."

Then I just zipped up my bag.

[laughter]

[applause]

This generation even got a black annie.

Did you guys see that when americans made annie black?

Ho-ho-ho!

White people in america lost their minds.

"if they can have a black annie,

"why can't we have a white roots?"

[laughter]

Roots?

The slavery movie?

I'm like, wasn't a white jesus enough for you?

[laughter]

[applause]

Personally, I was excited.

I was one of the kids who actually

Got to have a black doll.

Do you know how hard it is to find a black doll

In edmonton in 1986?

My grandfather had to import this doll from new york,

Send it all the way over from toronto.

Basically, my doll travelled longer than gandhi

To get to me, right.

Because it's true, you gotta get a doll

That kind of looks like your kids, right.

You don't need some aryan doll

Messing up your brown self-esteem all your life,

You know what I mean?

So, I had this one brown doll my entire life.

I played with her until she was dead, like,

This doll looks so messed up, you know what I mean?

By the time I was finished with her, her hair was just,

Like, one deadlock.

Her right leg was hanging on by, like, one stitch.

And you don't need-- do you remember those dolls

That used to sit up and their eyes opened

And eventually that eye goes, right.

This doll trying to assert my beauty is like,

"you're beautiful, girl."

[laughter]

"don't listen to them."

[laughter]

But I was a tomboy, right?

I was such a tomboy, like, but I want to play with a robot.

"you're a lesbian!"

[laughter]

And they gotta trick these little girls

With all this disney nonsense their entire life, right?

Some day your prince will come? That's a lie as well.

Do you know your prince is at that age?

He's in the corner and he thinks he's a ninja turtle, girl.

[laughter]

I probably shouldn't have kids, do you know what I mean?

I didn't realize this about myself

Until I started babysitting little white kids,

The power of black lady stink eye.

Like, I babysit a white kid,

I don't even have to move, right?

I just give brianna a look,

And she get the hell off the counter, let me tell you.

[laughter]

But that does not work on black kids, right?

Even, you can't even use a white voice

On my little cousins, right, especially at that age.

"excuse me, stephan, could you please come off the counter?"

"naaah!"

"me said to come off 'de counter!"

[laughter]

Gotta do this fake jamaican voice

To get this kid to come down.

Oh, my gosh.

And I feel for the parents out there, right?

I don't know how people have multiple children

Under the age of 3.

I remember looking after my little cousins 1, 2, and 7.

You ever look after a 1- and 2-year-old little boy?

You can't even pee with the door shut, you know what I mean?

I'm sitting there on the toilet, watching them--

"that is sharp, that is hot, get off the table!

"that is the gas! Turn that off!"

[laughter]

You guys have been absolutely fantastic.

Take care and have a good night, winnipeg.

Narrator: Still to come, husband of the year,

Scott faulconbridge.

[applause]

Dave: You know, they say an ounce of blood

Is worth more than a pound of friendship.

But do you know what's more valuable

Than either of these things?

Cocaine.

Oh, people pay top dollar for that stuff.

Anyone holding?

No, okay, well, then welcome scott faulconbridge!

[applause]

[applause]

Scott: All right.

My name is scott.

Everyone say, "hi, scott."

Audience: Hi, scott!

Scott: Cool. It's good to be loved.

I just had a dna ancestry test done,

And it turns out,

I'm white.

[laughter]

Actually, I'm 25% viking

And 75% people that cannot outrun vikings.

[laughter]

I'm married, thank you.

I've learned a lot being married.

I've learned it's not good to be funny...

[laughter]

...All the time. In fact, there's times

Where you really shouldn't be funny at all.

For example, my wife,

Who is a redhead, recently said to me,

"do you think I should get my hair died blond?"

And I probably should have said nothing.

But instead what I said was, "well, you know me,

"I'll sleep with anything."

[laughter]

[applause]

And if you tell your wife that you will sleep with anything,

You will sleep with nothing.

[laughter]

For a long, long time.

I also learn when you getting the silent treatment,

That it's wrong to enjoy it.

[laughter]

There's no smiling during the silent treatment.

[laughter]

Also, don't say smartass things

When you're getting the silent treatment.

Don't say things like, well, it sure is nice and quiet in here.

[laughter]

'cause then it's gonna get really loud...

Really quickly.

Don't try to take advantage of the silent treatment.

Don't use it as an excuse to invite your friends over.

[laughter]

And if you do, don't promise them

An interruption-free game of poker.

[laughter]

If you do that, don't expect sandwiches,

And if there are, don't eat the sandwiches.

[laughter]

I used to get in trouble.

I didn't mean to get in trouble,

I'd just say the wrong thing and then it would come out

And then it was too late.

Like, we were at a party one time,

And all I said was,

"what's that noise?"

That's all I said: "what's that noise?"

And angrily, she replied,

"oh, that's just me talking."

[laughter]

And I probably should have said nothing.

But instead, what I said was, "oh, there it goes again."

[laughter]

[applause]

I hate my wife's friends.

We had one over for dinner,

And my wife had done all the cooking,

So I started to clean up, 'cause that's how we do it,

If one does one and the other does the other.

My wife's friend goes, "oh, you're well trained."

[laughter]

I did not like being talked to like I was a dog,

So I peed in her purse.

[laughter]

I've learned the secret to marriage,

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is the secret to marriage:

Little things make a huge difference.

Little thing-- huge difference.

For example, I have these slippers.

They would squeak whenever I walked,

Really annoying my--

I went out, I got new slippers, my wife noticed right away.

She said, "oh, thank god you got new slippers,

"'cause I was gonna stab you in the face."

[laughter]

Little change, huge difference!

[laughter]

No face stabbin'!

[laughter]

She's passive-aggressive.

I don't know if you have that problem with my wife.

[laughter]

Give you an example, just the two of us alone in room,

No one else is in the room,

And all of a sudden she goes,

"I wish somebody...

"would get me...

"some chocolate."

[laughter]

And I start looking around the room...

[laughter]

...'cause there's nobody else in the room.

[laughter]

I don't know who this somebody is,

But he better hurry up.

[laughter]

So I say the only thing you can possibly say

In this circumstance,

I said, "would you like me...

[laughter]

"...To get you some chocolate?"

And this is what she said, she says,

"mmm... No."

[laughter]

That is witchcraft.

[laughter]

You think it would be funny if the roles were reversed,

Just the two of us alone in a room,

And all of a sudden I go, "I wish somebody...

"...Would get me...

"...A blow job."

[laughter]

And she'd go, "would you like me...

[laughter]

"...To get you a blow job?"

And I went, "mmm, no."

[laughter]

[applause]

"I want somebody,

"but I don't want you."

[laughter]

You folks have been awesome.

Thanks so much!

Have a good night!

[applause]

[applause]

Dave: Well, folks, that's our show.

Now, before you go,

I want you to know that no matter how dysfunctional

Or screwed up your family is,

Take some comfort in the knowledge

That it's probably largely your fault.

Goodnight, everybody!

[applause]

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