Original subtitles

Lause]

Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival proudly presents

Just my luck.

Lucky for us, here's your host,

Emma hunter!

[applause]

[applause]

Emma: Welcome, winnipeg! What is up?!

What is up?

I am your host, emma hunter.

[applause]

Yes, yes!

And tonight's show is just my luck.

Now, to be clear,

Tonight's show is called just my luck, okay?

It's not me being ungrateful.

"emma hunter, here in winnipeg,

"on the cbc-- just my luck."

In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.

Me being here tonight has nothing to do with luck, okay,

It's canadian show business, okay?

I am here tonight

Because somebody better

Cancelled probably, okay?

And that's cool, I'm fine with that, that's fine.

The fact is tonight is truly a huge honour.

This is a really big deal, and I have to admit, winnipeg,

That I'm having a bit of a moment, okay, a mom ent .

I am very, very famous now.

Yes.

Yes, I am very, very famous.

Now some of you might not recognize me

And that's why I'm telling you,

And what I'm hoping is that maybe

You'll tell someone,

And then maybe they'll tell someone, and then maybe,

Just maybe people in stores will stop asking me

If I have this in another size.

[laughter]

It happens so much.

But that's okay, no problem, no problem.

Some of you might recognize me, right,

From mr. D maybe, yes,

Right here on the cbc, or the beaverton.

[cheering]

Thank you.

On the--

The not cbc network.

It's the other one.

And, and just to clear the air,

I want everyone to know

That I don't have a favourite, okay?

I love the beav and the d, okay.

[laughter]

Okay?

[applause]

Thank you, thank you!

Sometimes life is hard and then you need to complain about it,

And complaining is the theme of our just my luck gala tonight.

You are gonna see a lot of very funny people

Doing a lot of complaining.

Why? Because it's fun, isn't it?

Complaining is therapeutic.

It gets all the bad stuff out,

So it's not swirling around inside.

It's like when you've had too much to drink and your body says

To your brain, I'm gonna get all of this out of here immediately,

Because I would rather we die of embarrassment

Than alcohol poisoning.

Complaining is just like vomiting,

It's not always pretty,

But when someone else does it,

It is hilarious.

[laughter]

Now, I come from good complaining stock, okay?

My parents are british.

Thank you, it was terrible.

Moving to canada was a bit of a bumpy adjustment for them.

I can remember being on the 401 with my mother,

I think I was in about grade 1, and she just lost it,

She had just had it with this place.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

She said, "I don't even like the taste of maple."

[laughter]

"and why, why don't any canadian women have bangs?

"it's all syrup and foreheads everywhere you bloody go.

"it's ridiculous, emma."

Right.

Anyway, it's also just my luck that in the last couple of years

I am finally on television,

Just as everyone stops watching it.

That's nice, right, love that.

Yeah, or at least they pretend to.

Mm-hm, and they wear it like a badge of honour:

"I don't watch tv."

"I just-- we don't watch tv, we don't, I read."

Fuck you, no you don't! No, you don't!

Now it's all game of thrones every day,

Everywhere all the time.

Well, I'm sorry that we're not all breasts and decapitations

Every 5 minutes.

Some of us still like clothes,

And regular murder.

[laughter]

Speaking of which, tonight's show is killer.

When you name a gala just my luck,

You know you're gonna meet some comics with an axe to grind.

Comics who really want to get some crap off their chests,

Okay, and lucky you,

You lovely people of winnipeg,

You have to listen to it.

Why?

Because the theatre doors are locked, okay,

You can't get out.

This is less of a comedy show with jokes

And more of a therapy session

With no one qualified to help.

Mm-hmm.

So buckle the luck up,

And let's get this show in gear.

[applause]

[applause]

This comic is the kind of person

Who complains about anything and everything,

And how people use those words improperly in a sentence.

Please welcome ivan decker.

[applause]

[applause]

Ivan: Whoa!

Oh, what a treat it is to be here on this evening

Of petty grievances, so much fun.

I would start by saying-- I would like to say off the top,

This may shock you, but as a comedian

I have eaten a lot of instant noodles.

And every time I eat them I get upset

That they are still allowed to use the word "instant."

[laughter]

Because instant means seconds,

And these noodles are not even close!

They take 3 minutes,

And that's if you've already got boiling water,

And nobody has that, nobody just has a cauldron on the go.

[laughter]

And there are products that have been instant the whole time,

But they don't brag about it,

I feel like they should start, right?

Instant crackers.

[laughter]

Just open the box, man. They're right there.

Okay, there's a bag in the box,

10 second crackers.

Because instant oatmeal is a lie.

It does not exist.

There's no such thing as instant oatmeal.

The only instant oatmeal that exists

Is if someone else made oatmeal...

[laughter]

...And you came in.

[laughter]

"hey, did you just make this?"

"yeah, you can have it immediately."

[laughter]

Wow, what a time to be alive.

[laughter]

Also, out of all the foods that needed to be instant,

How did oatmeal make it on the list?

[laughter]

Oatmeal is a very sad food.

I used to think that it was the saddest food, but it's not,

Because I've discovered the saddest food,

The saddest food in the world

Is called cream of wheat.

[laughter]

Some of you know.

Cream of wheat is like somebody tried to scientifically engineer

The most depressing food on earth.

They started with oatmeal as a baseline,

But they were like, this stuff is still too upbeat,

We got to make some changes.

Colour, gone, texture, out of here!

[laughter]

Make me something that both tastes and feels like

There's just more of your own mouth in your mouth.

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

Yeah, a lot of comedians

Won't touch this kind of controversial topic...

[laughter]

...But I feel like hot cereal needs to come down a peg!

[laughter]

I'm always trying to become a smarter person,

And there's a lot of things I try.

To do that, one of the things I did recently was

I changed the clock on my phone

To 24 hour time,

'cause I thought, ooh, what a fun little puzzle that will be.

[laughter]

Except the problem with that plan is that I'm a comedian,

I sleep till noon, I didn't see any of the normal numbers ever.

[laughter]

It's just constantly confused.

"do you know what time it is?" "no, I don't."

"it's 16:21, what the hell is that?"

"the sun's up, let's both leave."

But it did make me wonder why we don't use 24 hour time.

It seems more simple.

I don't understand why post sundial

We hung on to what we're doing now.

Once they invented the hour, that should have been it.

What happened? Like, "hey, I discovered

"this thing called an hour."

"what is it?" "it's a block of time.

"there's exactly 24 every day."

"okay, so we can just number them 1 to 24, count them up,

"start over tomorrow?"

"ha-ha, no."

[laughter]

"we're gonna do 12...

"...Twice."

[laughter]

"why are we gonna do that?"

"well, we'll do 12,

"and then we'll have a sandwich...

[laughter]

"...And then a brand new 12."

But that's what we have, and we like it, right,

Because it makes the second 12 not seem as late, right?

That whole 12, it seems earlier

Because it stays in single digits longer.

'cause, like, 8 o'clock, 8 pm, that's no problem,

8 o'clock, we've got lots of time.

It's only 8 o'clock. We can still go out.

But 20 o'clock, holy shit!

[laughter]

Twenty o'clock?!

There's a 2 on the board, shut it down!

Everybody go to bed! We're almost done the day!

But obviously it would be mean to force everybody

To use 24 hour time,

Because we like the other one. You shouldn't do that.

You can't just change a major measurement system

On an entire population.

[laughter]

They already did that once in canada with the metric system.

They changed to that just halfway through

Some peoples' lives.

They didn't wait for them to die and then do it.

[laughter]

They're, like, hey, all that stuff you just learned,

The language you use to describe the world, other around you,

You know, we're not doing that anymore.

Also, we're switching to celsius,

So good luck picking a jacket for the next 20 years.

[laughter]

Let's meet.

It was bad for my generation, too,

'cause we didn't learn the other one.

I only learned metric,

And then I graduated and immediately got a job

In a bulk foods department of a grocery store,

So I had a lot of people coming in being like,

"young man, I need a half cup of slivered almonds."

I'm like, "I don't know what the hell you just said."

[laughter]

What are you talking about?

What cup? Where's this cup?

You don't even have a cup on you.

Is your cup in the car?

Go get this cup you won't shut up about,

And then we'll fill it to half.

[laughter]

And then inevitably they'd be like,

"well, how do you measure things?"

And I would go, "we measure things by 100 grams."

"well, what's that?"

"I don't really know what that is either."

[laughter]

The only thing I know for sure about 100 grams

Is that it's too much black forest ham

For one sandwich.

[laughter]

[applause]

But it is also not enough for two.

A hundred grams of ham is one full sandwich

And a drunken handful of ham

At 23 o'clock. You guys were great.

Thank you so much for coming out tonight

And enjoy the rest of the show!

[applause]

Narrator: Up next,

Our very own gilmore girl,

Courtney gilmour!

Emma: My mother has the same answer for every complaint--

"you get what you get, and you don't get upset."

Then again, she also tells me

If I park my car in direct sunlight

With the windows up, it will explode.

So, what does she know?

Please welcome courtney gilmour.

[applause]

[applause]

Courtney: Hello.

Thank you so much.

Hi, hello everyone.

Thank you so much for having me.

My name is courtney.

Um, I can-- I know some of you at the back

Can tell just by the sound of my voice

That I don't have hands, that's true.

It gives me away every time.

Um, but I was born like this, so it's fine.

Like, I feel fine about it.

I'm having a good no arms year. It's okay, it's all okay.

I'm saving on scissors, it's great.

[laughter]

But a lot of people ask me if I wish that I had hands,

That's the number one question I get is,

"do you wish I had hands?"

The thing is, to be completely honest,

I mostly just wish you guys didn't have hands, okay?

[laughter]

That would be great for me,

If we could all just collectively

Struggle over a jar of peanut butter;

That would be great for me.

[laughter]

But things are going pretty well for me.

I'm 30 years old,

So, you know, I've been this way my whole life.

I can feed myself. I can dress myself.

I do pretty much everything on my own,

But some things are a bit of a challenge, you know.

Some things are a bit tough.

Like, for example,

I was late for a party recently

Because I put moisturizer on my arms

And then spent the next 25 minutes

Trying to open the front door.

[laughter]

Okay?

[laughter]

Uh, I have a of awkward encounters with strangers,

As I'm sure you can imagine, you know?

My favourite one is

Getting change from cashiers.

Getting change from cashiers is always a real treat

For both parties, you know.

[laughter]

'cause the thing is when people have money to give me,

They don't know where to put it,

And I don't know how to receive it.

[laughter]

So it always becomes this awkward exchange

That looks sort of like a secret handshake

That's missing half the equation.

[laughter]

But I realize the thing is it's my fault,

It's sort of on me a little bit.

The reason why I say this is because I'm the one

Who goes to places like tim hortons

And I buy a small black coffee,

And then I give them $20, okay?

That's on me, right?

That's a little bit on me, 'cause that's a lot of change

Coming back to you, right?

So, then I was thinking, like,

What's the accessible solution to this problem?

Like, how can I make this more accessible for me?

And I found a solution, okay?

I don't go to tim hortons anymore.

[laughter]

I go to starbucks now, okay, right?

[laughter]

'cause I know if I go to starbucks

And I buy a small black coffee, I give them a $20 bill,

I'm not getting any change back, right?

[applause]

[applause]

A lot of people don't know this about me,

But I'm actually missing my right leg as well, okay?

I'm missing my right leg as well,

Because I'm a drama queen.

Always something going on with me.

So I wear prosthetic legs, right?

I've been wearing prosthetic legs my whole life.

They help me walk.

I go everywhere with my prosthetic legs.

Very helpful.

Um, but the thing is last summer in toronto

I was invited to perform comedy

At a nude beach, okay?

A nude beach where I had to perform nude, right?

So, I told my friends about this;

I mustered up the courage. I was like, "you know what?

"I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do the nude beach show."

I told my friends; my friends were like,

"so, you're gonna be completely naked?"

And I was like, "yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna do it,

"I'm gonna be completely naked."

And they said,

"so are you gonna wear your leg?"

[laughter]

I was like, "yeah, obviously I'm gonna wear my leg."

And they said,

"oh, so you're not gonna be completely naked."

[laughter]

I was like, "it's not a scarf."

[laughter]

Okay, it's not some optional fashion accessory

That I have the luxury of waking up every morning

Looking at myself in the mirror and being like,

"you know what would make these earrings look great?

"the leg. Let's bust it out."

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

I'm single right now.

I'm not in a relationship, but I love the idea of love.

I love being in a relationship.

I believe in true love.

True love for me is when someone draws you

A hot luxurious bubble bath

At the end of a long hard workday,

And then doesn't care when you crawl out of the tub

Looking like the girl from the ring.

[laughter]

That's love, right?

[laughter]

But I know I deserve a good relationship.

You know, I know that I deserve someone good,

And I know this for a fact

Because all of my exes have told me so, okay.

[laughter]

It's unanimous, they all think I deserve a good guy.

No one makes a better list of what you deserve

In the relationship than an ex-lover

In the middle of dumping you, is that not true?

[laughter]

But it's weird, it's weird when they bust out

The what-you-deserve-list because it's like,

It's like if you were to show up to work and quit your job,

And then go to your boss and be like,

"you deserve someone who shows up sober."

[laughter]

Thank you so much, everyone.

Thank you, winnipeg, have a great night.

Narrator: Comedy curmudgeon todd graham,

Next on the winnipeg comedy festival.

Emma: This comic believes that telling jokes

Is the best way to get things off your chest,

And I believe it's electrolysis.

Please welcome the very funny todd graham.

[applause]

[applause]

Todd: Thanks.

[laughter]

Let's... Let's keep that energy going.

[laughter]

That's what I'm talking about.

I don't think there's a whole heck of a lot of difference

Between winning at solitaire

And not winning at solitaire.

[laughter]

I don't like when, when taxi cabs--

A lot of these are just gonna be things I don't like, okay?

[laughter]

I don't like when taxi cabs will honk at you

To try and solicit your business,

Especially when clearly

I am sitting in my own car.

[laughter]

I smelled toast burning

This morning

From my neighbour's house.

I hope nobody's having a stroke in there.

[laughter]

I think another name for camping should be

"arguing outside."

[laughter]

You know, a lot of people don't like camping

'cause they're afraid of bears.

Clap if you're afraid of bears.

[applause]

Well, clap or... Ring a bell.

Any loud noise, really.

[laughter]

Just let them know you're coming.

Look, I'm not sure about a lot of things,

But one thing I am sure of

Is that a bear shits in the woods.

Of that, I am quite certain.

I am also fairly certain

That a bear shits

In the 9th floor men's room at my office.

[laughter]

[applause]

I'm very happy to be here tonight.

Hold on.

No, that's right.

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

Did I show you guys my cell phone?

You want to see-- you want to see my--

I'll show you my cell phone.

It's very exciting.

Got a new cell phone.

Yeah, pretty sweet.

It's not on yet,

But one thing at a time.

[laughter]

But I understand that you can send pictures with these things,

Yeah.

Did you know that?

Yeah, well, that's awesome,

I'm looking forward to that, yeah,

'cause when I was a younger man,

And you wanted to show somebody

Your penis...

[laughter]

...You had to go all the way over to their house.

[laughter]

[applause]

And then...

And press it against the window.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Sounds a little creepy when I say it now.

[laughter]

I've been working on a genetic engineering joke

That hopefully one day

Will just be able to write itself.

[laughter]

I even got some money from monsanto.

They said it was seed money.

[laughter]

But so far all it's managed to do

Is kill all the jokes around it.

[laughter]

[applause]

Well...

I'm just gonna go.

[applause]

Narrator: The brilliant bellyaching of sophie buddle!

Coming up next,

On the winnipeg comedy festival.

Emma: This comic is young and smart

And beautiful and talented,

So naturally she's got a lot to bitch about.

Please welcome sophie buddle.

[applause]

[applause]

Sophie: Hi.

So, I look older than I am.

I'm 12.

No, but, like, everybody complains about--

That nobody wants to look older,

But it's actually pretty sweet.

Like, it was really fun when I was in high school

To look older, because adults are so much nicer to you

When they don't know that you're a sneaky teenager.

Like, I would see the way adults would talk to my friends

That were, like, visibly teens.

Like, people just come up to them and be like,

"give me your backpack; I think you stole that lipstick."

It's very disrespectful.

Like, people would see me, and be like,

"ma'am, you're under arrest."

[laughter]

And you're like, "thank you, sir."

Like, it's nice.

I want to be better-looking.

I know you guys are like, "how?" and thank you.

But I do want to be better looking,

But I don't want to exercise at all,

So I've just been going tanning.

[laughter]

It's working. I feel beautiful.

I have been going tanning, and what I notice my friends

Will do at the tanning booth

Is that they go in with a bikini on

To get tan lines to make it look natural,

Like they got their tan at the beach,

And I want to look like my tan is from the beach, too,

So I go in with a t-shirt and board shorts.

[laughter]

Um...

Have you guys been cheated on?

Cool. I just feel like asking that

Gets everyone feeling good.

[laughter]

I got cheated on.

I don't think that you should be sad if you get cheated on ever

If you're a girl, you can be sad if you're a boy obviously

'cause that sucks, I'm sorry.

[laughter]

Girls don't even like having sex;

They just cheat to be mean.

Um...

[laughter]

But if you're a girl and you get cheated on,

That's your one time in society

When you're encouraged to be crazy.

It's your time to shine.

[laughter]

There is so much music out there to tell you how to behave

If you get cheated on.

Usually music is like "shake your ass."

And then as soon as you get cheated on, it's like,

"kill him." and you're like, "okay."

[laughter]

And the best one that gets everyone all riled up

Is that carrie underwood song.

Yeah, she smashes up her ex-boyfriend's car

With a baseball bat.

Yeah, I want to do that, that's a good idea.

But I'm not american.

I don't have a baseball bat just, like,

In my purse all the time.

[laughter]

And I got cheated on by a comedian,

So he did not have a car.

[laughter]

[applause]

I just cut up his bus pass, it was fine.

[laughter]

But getting cheated on is hard because it's hard to, like,

Trust someone after that, it's hard to trust.

I have a new boyfriend now who's not gonna cheat on me

'cause he's, like, pretty scared of me, which is great.

But I actually totally trust him and it feels really good,

And I didn't think that I would, but I trust him 100%,

And he trusts me, too.

He just told his mom that he thinks I'm the one,

And I was really excited, I was really flattered,

I wanted to say it back to him, but I didn't want him to know

I read his text convo with his mom.

[laughter]

I think that men and women have different strengths,

And I think that girls can do anything boys can do, obviously,

And vice versa, but I think it's okay to acknowledge

That there are some things that

One gender or another is better at.

Like, I think it's okay to say that men are naturally

Better at noticing hot girls' skills.

[laughter]

Like, you know when you leave a party with your boyfriend

Or something and he's like, "whoa,

"allison is a really good swimmer."

And you're like, "what the fuck?"

[laughter]

[laughter]

It's a christmas party; there's no pool, like...

[laughter]

And girls are better at some stuff, too.

Girls are so much better at being on the bachelor.

It's not even fair,

'cause there's two shows,

There's the bachelor and there's the bachelorette,

But I don't even watch the one where a bunch of men compete

For one woman, it's not a good show,

The guys don't take it seriously at all.

It's ridiculous. It's like the season finale,

There's two guys left,

And one of them is gonna marry the bachelorette,

And they're still on the confession camera interview

Going, "uh, she wore a bikini to our date,

"that was kind of cool,

"but I just came here to make friends,

"and a lot of them are gone now, so I'm sad."

[laughter]

When the girls compete for a man,

They look into the camera and go,

"I will slit the throat...

"of any woman that even looks at my man.

"I quit my job to be here, so that guy is my soul mate,

"do you understand?"

[laughter]

And that's the first episode, she hasn't met the guy yet.

[laughter]

That's the show that I'm gonna watch.

And there's an extra element of excitement

'cause the bachelor never knows that she's crazy,

'cause guys don't pick up on that for some reason.

So, he's walking around like, "I really like her,

"I think she's the one."

"she's a strong swimmer, did you see?"

That's all for me. Thank you.

[applause]

Emma: This comic is proof that when life gives you lemons,

Store security is gonna say,

"nice try, lady," and call the police.

Please welcome jane stanton.

[applause]

[applause]

Jane: Hello!

I live in a wealthy neighbourhood in vancouver,

Which is everywhere.

[laughter]

I do live in a house,

Ground floor, basement suite.

I have a door; it doesn't work,

So I use the dog door.

[laughter]

And when dudes come over, they'll knock on the door,

They'll be like, "let me in," I'm like, "use the dog door,"

And they always think it's a sexual thing,

'cause it is.

[laughter]

January 1st, I said to myself, "okay,

"I want to be like the best version of me," right?

For myself, for dudes.

Like, I want to get healthy,

I want to lose weight, get fit for me

To get a boyfriend/husband.

And so I was like, "okay, January 1st,

"no fried food for a year."

And I woke up and said,

"why did I say that?"

I should have said, "no celery."

I can do that.

Celery is crunchy like ice, right?

They give it to you for free in caesars, and you're like,

"this will sober me up." [laughs]

"two more."

[laughter]

Also to commit to, like, the new jane, I was like,

"okay, I'm gonna be vegan."

So I asked my vegan friend-- no, I didn't.

I don't have a vegan friend.

They're so boring.

[laughter]

So, I went to mcdonald's, right?

I was like, "I'm only getting coffee,"

And I got to the window; I was like,

"mcchicken and large fries."

When I got the coffee, I was like, "eugh, gross!"

I went back a second day in a row,

'cause you have to by law in canada,

So I went,

And I was grabbing the money

To pay for my mcchicken meal, right?

Large coke, medium fries, I'm getting healthy,

Getting a husband,

And I was grabbing the money,

And I could see from my perphal, perpha--

Perferble-- side vision...

[laughter]

...It was the same dude working two days in a row!

What a loser!

And then he saw me and he was like, "hey, extra mayo!"

I was like, "is that my name?"

He's like, 'yeah." like, "when do you get off?"

He's like, "10 minutes." I'm like, "wear your uniform."

[laughter]

"use the dog door!"

[laughter]

Being a hungry, angry vegan wasn't fun at home,

So I went to a party to spread my hate,

And I was at a party,

And everyone was smoking weed, rah, shhh...

No one smokes weed like that. I don't know what I'm doing.

I drink, I don't smoke weed.

And so I was gonna leave,

And this guy was walking towards me;

We locked eyes longer than 3 seconds,

So in my head we're getting married.

[laughter]

He's like, "what's your name?"

I'm like, "jane."

He's like, "do you want to do a dab?"

And I was like, "yes."

'cause I thought it was something sexual.

I thought we were gonna make love.

I didn't know what a dab is.

I'll explain: It's three joints and one inhale.

But he had made five joints and one inhale,

But I didn't know that;

I thought we were gonna make love.

He turned to all 200 people, he's like,

"you guys, come on up,

"come watch me do a dab with jane."

And I was like, "I don't want to have sex

"with this guy in front of everyone."

Like, I'm not that type of lady.

Like, I'm crazy, but I'm not that crazy.

Then I'm like, "maybe I should. Maybe I should live a little."

I was like, "let's do the dab, moi-moi, let's do it."

I started taking my shirt off.

He's like, "what are you doing?" I'm like, "the dab."

He's like, "do you know what a dab is?"

I was like, "no."

And then he pulled it out and then he lit it.

I was like, [inhales], 2 minutes,

And then he's like, "you're done."

I thought it'd be like when I used to smoke

When I was a child. And huh...

But it was five joints and one toke, so I was like,

"raaaaah!"

Like a dragon, and then I yelled, "I'm a dragon!"

And everyone cheered, and I was like,

"yes! The best moment of my life!"

At the exact same second I was like, "no...

"oh, my god, why am I at a house party

"with 13-year-olds?

[laughter]

"I'm 75 years old."

And I got in my car-- do not follow my lead in life--

And I got in my car, and I was like,

"what do people do when they're driving?"

They laugh, so I was like, "ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

I got pulled over right away.

[laughter]

Cop's like, "have you been drinking or doing drugs?"

And I was like, "aaaaaaaaah."

That was me saying no.

And he's like, "do you have your licence?"

I'm like, "ahhhh?"

It was in here, so I grab it, I bring it out;

I'm about to give him my licence,

And I see gravy on my licence.

I'm like, "what? When did I have poutine?"

[laughter]

Oh, ah!

And I got in there like a cokehead.

But it was just gravy. I'm like, "ahhhh."

I was handing him my licence, and he had his hand on his gun.

He's like, "ma'am, what's on the licence?"

I'm like, "gravy." he's like, "fair enough.

"on your way."

[laughter]

That is my time. You guys have been amazing!

Narrator: Still to come,

Good godfrey, with godfrey!

Emma: This comic doesn't like to complain, he loves it.

Here's godfrey!

[applause]

[applause]

Godfrey: Woo.

Oh!

Yo, let me tell you somethin', I hate people.

Let me tell you why.

You agree, right?

Especially 'cause we're staying at this hotel, and it's like,

Something about the elevator where you hate people.

You know what I mean?

You ever try to get a elevator by yourself?

You know, you're, like, all right, cool,

I got this elevator, and you're, like, hurry up, close, close,

Close, close,

And someone catches it-- "hey, got it!"

You're like, "damn it!"

I wish you could push people out of elevators, right?

If you don't like them, like, yo, get off,

I don't like the way you look, get off.

You always know the person that's gonna talk to you.

Yeah, don't say shit to me!

Just shut up and get your floor.

And so you know the person is gonna talk to you

'cause they start making noise,

Hua, hu, hua, hua, hua, wha...

You're, like, oh shit, here it comes.

And it's always weather.

"ha, it's gotten cold out there, hasn't it?"

[laughter]

And you never answer, right?

You're like, huh, yup-per.

[laughter]

It's never a good one. "uh-huh, yeah, uh... Uh..."

You know what I do, 'cause I'm an asshole?

This is what I do now.

I do new things now.

I make them feel uncomfortable,

And then when they start talking--

"ho-ho, we, wha, hu-ha,"

You're, like, "boy, it's cold out there, raaaaah!"

[laughter]

[laughter]

"hu-haaa!"

Yeah, that'll teach you, don't ever talk to me.

I just rub my genitals and look at you.

[laughter]

Don't you hate it when someone catches it,

And then they make you their bitch?

They're like, "hey, could you press 5?"

Ah, shit!

I'ma press all of them just 'cause you made me press them.

Sometimes I use the race card.

"oh, you want me to press the elevator

"'cause I'm a black man, is that what it is?"

You always gotta crush that white guilt, huh?

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

I'm not gonna lie, I do use racial stereotypes sometimes

If I don't feel like you should be on my elevator.

If I see a nice fresh white family...

[laughs] [laughter]

...Like everybody in here...

[laughter]

...And they say, "hey, is it going up?"

I'm like, "yeah, it's goin' up."

[laughter]

"I would love you to ride wit' me."

[laughter]

I don't know why I'm using that '80s eddie murphy voice,

But still...

[laughter]

Augh!

Every time I come to canada, the stupid french attacks me.

Here's the problem with french, the people, okay?

[laughter]

That's the problem!

'cause I used to hang out-- I used to go to paris a lot.

Like, I dated some french girls, you know,

And they would always tell me, "godfrey, you should learn it,

"you should learn french, you should learn it."

[laughter]

So I tried to learn,

But here's what french people do,

It's this micromanagement that should--

If something's a little off,

It's always like, "ugh, you didn't, um..."

That french corr--, like, that's the french correction,

"um..." [sputtering]

[laughter]

You're like, "come on, man!

"I said au bientot !"

"mmm, umm... It's au bien..."

[gagging]

[horking sound]

"you have to--

"you have to have sex with the air."

[gagging]

Au bien... [gagging]

[laughter]

That's why I studied spanish.

[laughter]

Yeah, my spanish is beautiful, right, you like that?

It's muy importante, oh! Mm, I love it!

Because if you ever go to a spanish country,

I'm telling you, the people are wonderful.

Learn one word, just one word,

Let's say you're in a hotel, you go,

"hi, um, cabeza."

"cabeza!"

[laughter]

"cabeza!

"how do you know that?

"muy bien, excellente."

[speaking spanish]

See?

Encouragement. That's all we ask for.

And you're like, "I'm gonna learn another word."

[laughter]

Bierra, ahhhh!

Bierra!

[laughter]

Chinese is what I want to learn.

It's so hard, man.

It's such a-- I want to learn chinese.

I have to learn it!

It's so difficult.

Do you know there are over 3,000 characters in chinese?

Over-- over 3,000?!

And we have the nerve to brag about our abcs!

That's the most arrogant song.

"now I know my abcs."

What? Twenty-six letters,

Go to your room, all right?

There's a chinese kid on his 3,000th letter!

[laughter]

Goodnight, everybody. Thank you very much!

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

Emma: Oh, oh, that's so nice!

Okay, winnipeg, that is our show.

I think the ultimate takeaway

From the performances you saw here tonight

Is that life doesn't always suck, does it?

No, sometimes

It is an absolute shitshow.

[laughter]

You're welcome, and goodnight.

[applause]