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Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival proudly presents

Punching up!

And now please welcome your heavy-hitting host,

Paul sun-hyung lee!

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

Paul: Good evening and welcome to the winnipeg comedy festival!

[applause]

My name, for those of you who don't know,

Is paul sun-hyung lee.

Now, you might know me from the hit cbc television series,

"kim's convenience."

[applause]

Uh...

I'm really excited to announce that kim's convenience

Is now the highest rated comedy show

In all of canada

Amongst asian male convenience store owners

From the ages of 35 to 49.

Hey, that's huge because there are literally

Tens of them out there and they're usually

Way too busy to watch tv,

So take that, murdoch mysteries.

[laughter]

Now, in the show I play mr. Kim,

A cantankerous but loveable korean canadian immigrant

Who runs said store with his family

In the neighbourhood of regent park.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

You hear me speak in my real voice and you think,

"wow...

"I can't understand a word he's saying

"without that accent."

[laughter]

Really, uh...

But I always get a kick out of seeing people

React to hearing my voice for the first time,

Because in the show my character uses an accent,

So people are always like,

"oh, my god! You speak perfect english!"

And I'm like,

"oh, my god, you do too!"

[laughter]

I use an accent in the show, but it is my dad's voice,

And I take it as a huge compliment

Whenever people react that way because it means

I'm doing my job portraying the character effectively.

But every once in a while, I think,

Maybe I can have a little bit of fun with this, you know?

Maybe I can, you know, take the piss out just a little bit.

So whenever people sort of react and go,

"oh, my god, you speak english," I kind of want to go,

[in korean accent] "actually, yeah.

" 'dis is my real voice, huh, yeah.

"when I got out on the street to do shopping,

"maybe just walking around, I like to practice my...

[in canadian accent] "canadian accent,

"because then that way, I can really blend in.

"neat, huh?

"okay, see you!"

[applause]

[applause]

Now, tonight's show is called punching up,

But what is punching up?

Well, it's the opposite of punching down.

You're welcome. [laughter]

Punching down is making fun of people less advantaged,

Or less powerful, or less privileged.

For example, I was born in toronto

And I grew up in calgary, and as a kid

I was made fun of for being different.

Yeah, that's right, that's punching down,

And it's not nice.

Kids in calgary, you know,

You shouldn't make fun of someone

Just because they were born in toronto,

They can't help it.

[laughter]

If goliath challenged david, that's punching down,

But david challenging goliath is classic punching up.

Yeah, sure, he had rocks, which is kind of dirty pool,

But no one ever said that punching up

Was supposed to be fair,

And it sure wouldn't be the last time

Underdogs in that part of the world

Would throw rocks, so...

There's a fool in the royal court.

He made fun of the king.

That's punching up.

And when you're the fool,

How do you know you're doing a really good job, huh?

When you get beheaded, yeah.

That is the highest compliment.

It is the ultimate positive performance review.

Is a king laughing his head off?

No, he's laughing your head off.

[laughter]

Okay, now, here's the tricky part,

In order to know where you are,

Whether you're punching up or punching down,

You need to have a sense of where you are at

In the hierarchy of power.

For instance, in my profession, acting,

The hierarchy goes like this:

Film actor, television actor,

Stage actor,

Dinner theatre actor,

Canadian actor. [laughter]

So, I'm allowed pretty much to make fun of any other actor.

So, what do you say, winnipeg,

Is it time to let our comics come out

Swinging and start punching up?

[cheering]

[applause]

This comic goes by just one name,

Which makes life a lot simpler, except at the border.

Please welcome hoodo!

[applause]

[applause]

Hoodo: I see some people dressed real fancy,

Which is cool,

But I can tell we're in the same tax bracket,

So that's comforting, okay?

[laughter]

And I only say this because I did a show a while back

For really rich people,

And as soon as I walked in the room

With a backpack on...

They just knew I wasn't one of them.

[laughter]

It's like they could feel the poverty

And the student loan debt emanating

From my body, you know?

They're, like, "what is this peasant doing here?

"let's get rid of her," right?

So, the show starts, the host says my name,

People clap to be polite, okay,

Then I walk out on stage,

People start clapping even more,

And I'm thinking, wait a minute,

All right, I'm no celebrity, okay,

So I grab the microphone and I'm like,

"guys, I am not malala, do you understand?"

[laughter]

"nobel-peace-prize-winning activist malala

"isn't just telling jokes as her new side hustle.

"that's not what's happening here."

I like this joke because it really divides the audience.

[laughter]

Because it lets me know who reads and who doesn't.

That's why I like it, yeah.

[applause]

[applause]

'cause some of you laugh, but you're like, "ah-ha-ha,

"we'll google her later."

[laughter]

[applause]

So, no segues, next joke, I feel like...

[laughter]

...We need to make racism more equal.

Here me out, a bit of a strong stance,

But there's all this talk in america about this muslim ban,

And I feel like, listen,

If we're gonna ban muslims from america, fine, okay?

Let's just do the same for white guys

Going solo to thailand.

Let's just spread that hatred even, you know?

[applause]

[applause]

I don't know. Uh...

I'm not worried about the trumps of the world.

You know, I should be because this is what my face looks like.

Like, I should be worried, but I'm not.

And I realize that there's just a real disconnect

With my identity, you know, because I'm black, muslim,

And a woman on the outside,

But on the inside I've just got this...

Caucasian confidence.

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

I don't know where it's coming from.

It doesn't make any sense, but it feels very real to me,

And that's how I'm surviving, okay?

You know, I'm like batman, you know?

Black on the outside,

But on the inside I feel

Like a white billionaire, do you understand?

[laughter]

Quick round of applause: Who here identifies as a feminist?

[applause]

[applause]

I love it because some of you are like,

"ooh, I guess she's forcing us,

"so we have to do it,

"otherwise they'll think we're bad people."

I got a lot of flack from my friends recently

Because I don't identify,

And they were like, "why?

"you have the body parts, automatic membership,

"just make the leap, join us; it's common sense."

And so, I had to really think about it.

I was like, "why don't I identify as a feminist?"

Then I realized that there are days where I genuinely forget

That I'm a woman, okay?

But I think the biggest reason why I can't be a feminist

Is because I just don't have the energy, okay?

The best way I can explain is...

Think of struggle like a mountain, you know,

Like, eventually you'll overcome it,

But it's kind of hard.

So I'm black, right?

That's a mountain that I got to climb.

Gotta climb that mountain, right?

Once I'm done doing that,

But a little bit winded, okay,

But I can keep going, all right?

And I arrive at the muslim mountain, right?

And we've all seen the news; it's a much, much, much, much,

Much bigger mountain, right?

Gotta climb that, and...

Once I'm done doing that, I'm done, you understand?

Okay?

The female mountain is there,

But I'm exhausted, okay?

Black and muslim taking up all of my time, all right?

I don't got any time for this woman stuff.

Are you kidding me, all right?

And there's nothing interesting happening

At the top of the female mountain,

'cause at the top of the female mountain

It's just a bunch of white women skiing.

That's what's going on up there.

[applause]

All right, you guys have been amazing.

Thank you so much!

Narrator: Up next, the one-two punches

Of christophe davidson!

[applause]

[applause]

Paul: When this performer is done, you'll realize

That he sat on your rose-coloured glasses.

How about a big welcome for the performer

Who crushes it every time, christophe davidson!

[applause]

[applause]

Christophe: Hi, hi.

Thank you all for coming here tonight.

Thank you all for coming, an extended thank you

For all of you who dress casually.

Uh... Seriously.

I live in toronto, and often you walk into a place

And everyone's real fancy,

Whereas I on a good day look like

I tripped over a sale rack at mark's work warehouse.

Sure, if I had to model a fashion line,

I'm pretty sure it'd be called

"stressed out dad looking for his kids."

Yeah...

Who turns out to not have any kids.

Um, I do have a niece and nephew, though,

So I do get to be a practice parent, right?

You get to try out strategies with the little ones,

And then you hand them back to the owner and they can fix it.

Ah, sure.

But I think there's some things I could do well as a parent

If I were to be one.

For sure, I know I could do ethics way better

Than my parents' generation easily.

Well, you know, when you were younger,

Do you remember when your parents first told you

That lying was wrong, and you grasped that as a concept?

Remember a few days later when you saw your parents

Just straight up lie right in front of your face

After telling you that?

For me, it was a sales call.

My mom's like, "no, this is not the davidson residence,"

And then hung up the phone right in front of me,

And I'm just standing there, like, hey,

You just did the thing

That you told me never to do!

And that's when your parents always come back at you

With a weirder excuse for that.

They're, like, "oh honey, that there,

"oh, that was just a white lie is what that was."

Oh, yeah, white lies are these teeny, tiny,

Little lies that adults tell children and some other adults

When the truth is too complicated or time-consuming.

Yeah.

And I got that concept as a kid, I get the concept of white lies,

Little lies that we always tell.

You know, you've told them-- "my phone is dying"

To your loved one; you've told them, you know?

"I'll never drink again," you've told it to yourself.

Sure, I get the concept of white lies,

But I didn't like was that all these lies

Are called "white."

These lies are multicultural

At the very least.

Everybody tells these lies.

That did get me thinking, though,

What then are historically

Specifically white lies?

Oh, where do I start, huh? Uh...

I guess, "we hold these truths to be self-evident,

"all men are created equal."

Yeah, the gentleman that wrote that one had slaves!

So that's a white lie, for sure.

Big old white lie right there.

Here in canada, we got here, people were already here,

We're, like, hi, nice to meet ya,

Let's teach you about land ownership.

Some for you, some for us, fair is fair,

Unless there's some natural resources,

Then takesies backsies,

White lie, for sure, that's specifically a white lie.

[laughter]

It'd make me realize white lies aren't small,

They are kind of huge actually.

Some of the biggest lies that have ever been told.

White lies aren't small.

White lies aren't harmless.

White lies matter.

[laughter]

[applause] yeah.

Oh, sure.

Most of you seem to agree,

But we live in a divided time.

Some of you are stewing out there in the dark, like,

"no, christophe, all lies matter."

[laughter]

I think some require more of our immediate attention,

To be perfectly honest.

I think there are some things

I could still teach young ones, though.

Like something that takes us forever to learn,

We never learned in school, and I want kids to know that,

You know, some lessons. Like the example of...

You don't need to be friends with everybody, right?

You don't need to collect acquaintances your whole life.

You know, you just need a few core people around you

That are gonna let you know if you got food on your face.

Yeah, yeah, that's what you want.

Everyone appreciates that.

A good friend, they'll point out a flaw; you can fix it;

We all appreciate that.

That's why I'm a little confused when my friends

Don't appreciate it when I point out little flaws

In their personality as well.

[laughter]

Oh, 'cause we only got a lot of those and that takes a lot

Longer a move than the food, yeah.

You know, you got to get started on it.

And none of you are exempt, everyone in this room,

You all a handful of behavioural warts

Just hanging off of who you are as a person, yeah.

Oh, it's crazy, annoying about you, too, nobody likes it,

And you don't know what it is, you're you,

That's why you need a good friend around

To point it out for ya.

You could be that good friend.

Next time you're at a party, you see that one pal everyone's got,

Where they're just bulldozing the conversation, right,

And not letting anybody else cut in,

Just yap, yap, yap.

Be a good friend and be like, "hold on,

"you got a little something on your ability

"to listen to others, yeah, there's just a little."

[laughter]

Yeah.

[applause]

Yeah.

[applause]

I think one of the things I enjoy the most

About being around the young people in my life

Is sharing the joys of my childhood with them

And watching their face light up, right, it's great.

For me, I loved board games as a kid,

Love them now as an adult.

When I shared that with my niece and nephew--

But it's not as easy as it sounds.

A lot of games that we enjoyed as children

Have not aged well,

Especially when examined on our more modern 2018 lens.

For example, the game of monopoly,

Originally developed by a woman at the turn of the 20th century,

Designed to warn people of the evils of capitalism,

And no one got that message at all, no.

[laughter]

No, everyone was like, "what do you mean I get to be a sociopath

"that takes everything from those that I love

"in order to win?

"let's do it in a star wars version!"

[laughter]

But I think that absolutely the worst board game

That I enjoyed as a child that really just has shown its age

The most would be the game of guess who.

Yes, that lovely game of social deduction, right,

Where you have to guess who your opponent has

Through yes or no questions

Just based on how they look, yeah, ain't that fun?

Sure, it would be, if only out of the 24 characters

There were only 5 women, yeah.

That's a little unfortunate, isn't it?

I'm never gonna play that game with my niece.

I'm not gonna put her through that, right?

Poor little girl is obviously gonna want to pick a woman

To identify. It's a game;

I'm obviously gonna want to win,

So I'm gonna ask her that simple question right out of the gate,

Of "are you a woman?"

And she'll go, "yeah,"

And then I have to watch her sad face

That she knocks down 19 out of the 24

Available tiles in the entire game.

That would take a while, wouldn't it?

Just 19 job opportunities not available to her

In the workplace apparently, huh?

Just not strong enough. Can't hang out with the boys.

Your choice to have a baby.

Tough lessons for a 6-year-old

Just trying to have a fun time with her uncle.

Not gonna do it.

Just 5 vulnerable women left, they're all holding hands,

Being like, "we're gonna call hr,

"this is bullshit." [laughter]

You guys have been a lot of fun.

Thank you so much.

Narrator: Coming up...

Yumi nagashima keeps her guard up!

[applause]

Paul: Now, this comic was born in the land of the rising sun,

And now she lives here

In the land of the sun is starting to feel warmer,

But we are for sure going to have

One more nasty snowstorm.

Please welcome yumi nagashima!

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

Yumi: A little bit introduction about myself.

My name is yumi, like "you and me."

And last night I had a dream of getting spanked by mel gibson.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Nice to meet you.

[laughter]

And two nights ago I had a nightmare

Of getting adopted by woody allen.

[laughter]

Nice to meet you.

Do you guys like travelling?

Yeah, good, good.

I love travelling, too,

And I was just in florida

Performing stand-up comedy,

And I have to tell you

Florida is stuck in the '80s.

[laughter]

So, I had to tell them, you know,

Stop smoking indoors,

Stop blaring phil collins,

And most of all,

Stop calling me "oriental woman..."

[laughter]

And start calling me

"japanese goddess."

[laughter]

[applause]

Thank you.

Um, my mother in japan is also stuck in the '80s.

She told me, "yumi,

"I want you to remember this:

"behind every great man,

"there is a great woman.

"I want you to find a nice japanese man,

"become a great wife,

"and become a great mother."

I listened to her very carefully and said,

"screw that."

[laughter]

And I moved to canada.

[applause]

And became a stand-up comedian.

[laughter]

So, I live in vancouver now.

I love vancouver.

Vancouver is a beautiful city,

But nothing compared to winnipeg.

[laughter]

Well, when I walk streets in vancouver,

Lots of creepy white men

Come and ask me...

"konnichiwa,

"do you want to go for sushi sometime?"

I think it's slightly racist--

Like, 75% racist.

[laughter]

Well, let me explain.

For example, when I see an attractive, let's say,

A mexican guy, would I go and say,

"ola,

"do you want me to help you pay for the wall?"

[laughter]

[applause]

I wouldn't say that...

Because it's racist.

[laughter]

So maybe next time

When I see a creepy white man comes to me,

I would say, "hey,

"you creepy white man

"with awkward social skills,

"with borderline autism, with halitosis,

"and funky body smell...

[laughter]

"...Maybe you want to go to japan

"and try to teach english there?"

[applause]

Because that's what 75% of creepy white men do.

[laughter]

Um, compared to when I was in japan,

I am becoming

More of an independent woman,

Because japanese men, they are nice,

They treat you all the time,

They drive you anywhere,

And they let you know that you are attractive

By avoiding eye contact,

Yet giving you dry humps on the crowded train.

[laughter]

I mean, it's sweet.

[laughter]

But it doesn't help girls become self-sufficient.

[laughter]

On the other hand,

Dating vancouver men is like

Self-reliance boot camp.

You split the bills

Because your date is often broke;

You navigate with your google map app

Because your date is often stoned.

[laughter]

Day by day,

I'm getting more independent,

Financially and emotionally.

I have three jobs: Stand-up comedy,

Acting, and waitressing.

And I've even started sending a little money

To my parents in japan.

And the other day,

I fixed an internet problem

All by myself.

[laughter]

[applause]

And then I realized

That I was strong and fierce,

Full of fire,

With an insane work ethic

And unstoppable ambition.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am becoming the man

I always wanted to marry.

[applause]

That's my time today. Thank you so much.

[applause]

Narrator: After the break, carol zoccoli drops her gloves

Here on the winnipeg comedy festival!

[applause]

Paul: If we had to fly a performer

All the way from brazil to perform here,

That would be a huge pain in the butt implants.

Luckily, this brazilian comic lives in toronto now,

The rio of beside hamilton.

Here she is: Carol zoccoli!

[applause]

[applause]

Carol: Um, I was in a restaurant today,

And I heard a woman saying to the waitress,

"I am vegan,

"and I have gluten, peanuts, onion,

"mushroom and garlic allergies."

[laughter]

So I killed her.

[laughter]

[applause]

Thank you.

Folks, I am from brazil.

I've been living here for 4 years.

It's very hard to speak english.

You guys are doing great, by the way, congratulations.

And I've been training with an accent coach,

But I don't want to lose my accent completely,

Because I have broken english.

If I don't have an accent,

People will think I'm just dumb.

[laughter]

Believe me, it's better to hear go back to your country,

Than go back to school!

[laughter]

Women's behaviour is very different in north america

And south america, very different.

Here in north america,

If a guy cheats on a woman,

She will break up with him,

Then she'll be supported by her friends during brunch...

[laughter]

...While in south america a guy once cheated on me,

I threw up into his mouth.

[laughter]

Yeah.

I invited him dinner, I ate,

I went to the washroom, threw up,

Saved a little bit in my mouth...

[laughter]

...Approach at him for kiss,

And when he opened his mouth...

[laughter]

Yeah.

[laughter]

Do you folks know that brazil is the country

With the highest ratio of women cutting off men's dicks?

[laughter]

They use knives, scissors,

A hot iron in the penis is also very popular.

[laughter]

So that's my background.

Who wants to date me?

[laughter]

Who wants to date me?!

[laughter]

I'm sick and tired, okay,

Of men underestimating me

Just because I'm 4'11".

Every single man thinks they can kick my ass.

You can't. Okay?

Do not try, sir, in black shirt.

No.

Now every man in the room is afraid of me

Because I challenged the alpha.

[laughter]

'cause a couple of weeks ago

A guy tried to creep me in the subway.

He didn't know he was in danger.

[laughter]

You see this angel face,

But you don't know my past, amigo.

You don't know my past.

Once I had a male boss who didn't pay me, and he told me,

"oh, carol, what ya gonna do?"

I shat in a box...

[laughter]

...And I threw my shit all over his front door.

[laughter]

Yes, I carried the box of crap in public transit.

[laughter]

And then this little bastard here want to creep me?

Grow up.

This very morning, this very morning, the alarm clock rang,

And I said, "shut up, you're a moron,

"I can kill you and your family,"

And I smashed the alarm clock

And I punched the wall clock, and I say to the watch,

"go tell your friends."

[laughter]

And this little bastard here want to creep me,

He's staring at me

With those sexual intimidating eyes.

You know, those melania trump eyes.

[laughter]

I looked at him...

And I saw it.

Small penis aura.

[laughter]

Saw it, saw it.

For sure, small penis.

You know this kind of penis that if you chop it off,

You can't even fill a samosa, you know.

[laughter]

So I stare him back,

And I said,

"samosa dick,"

And he left.

Who's the creep now, canada?

[laughter]

Thank you very much, winnipeg!

I'm carol. Thank you!

[applause]

♪

Paul: This comic told me she's tired

Of people mansplaining things to her.

I said, "well, actually you mean you're tired of men

Mansplaining things to you."

Please welcome katie-ellen humphries!

[applause]

Katie-ellen: Yeah! Yes, yes!

Thank you!

[applause]

I am a proud feminist.

Please don't leave!

It's gonna be fun, I promise.

I know some people don't love that word, "feminist,"

Some people walk around saying "amaze-balls,"

So...

Language is imperfect.

Where my feminism is sometimes challenged

Is during my most favourite pastime of late,

Which is incessantly watching wedding dress shows.

[laughter]

I can't stop.

I watch wedding dress shows like christian fundamentalists

Watch gay porn.

[laughter]

All of the time and against everything

I espouse to believe in.

Ah, so they're so good though.

These shows, they have crying dads,

Passive-aggressive mom-daughter stuff, mmm!

It's the business.

There's one thing I don't love on these shows,

It's a particular type of bride,

And she is looking for a particular type of dress,

And she's real coy about it,

Kind of dances around it for a little bit, like,

"no, not ivory,

"I will be wearing a white dress.

"I've earned my white dress."

[laughter] yes.

To let us know

She is a virgin bride.

First of all, "earned,"

Pretty grandiose term for having not done something.

[laughter]

I'm not walking around like, "I earned...

"no master's degree."

[laughter]

And the white wedding dress is the only

Article of clothing or accessory we have

To denote one's level of inexperience

With vaginal penetration.

We don't make the groom in that couple

Show up to the altar in a corduroy fedora.

[laughter] mmm...

He's never known the touch of a woman.

So pure.

My partner and I, we never even talk about getting married.

It is so expensive.

It's also kind of this throwback tradition

Of when women were property.

Also, we broke up last summer.

[laughter] yeah.

Really created some distance.

[laughter]

One misconception about feminism is that it is anti-man,

Which could not be farther than the truth,

And especially right now.

I mean, it is such a hard time

To be a man,

Or so I am told.

But I'm not trying to be divisive.

I think that is one of the biggest problems

We're facing right now, that everyone just feels

So separated,

And I don't think it matters where you fall

On the political spectrum,

Whether you're far left, or far right,

Or anywhere in between,

The one thing that we all share

Is that in one way or another

We're all pretty scared,

And I am trying really hard

Not to give in to that fear.

And the tactic that I've chosen

Is to create a persona for myself,

So when scary things happen, they don't happen to me,

They happen to this persona.

Beyonce very famously does this.

Of course when I read that, I was more depressed.

[laughter]

Being a literal goddess on earth,

Still not good enough.

Beyonce's persona is sasha fierce.

She named an album after her.

Sasha is a strong, powerful

Warrior woman.

And now when I look into my

Heart of hearts,

It's not so much like a sasha fierce,

As it is like a plucky,

Depression-era orphan with a heart of gold,

Who wants to teach the world to love again

With nothing but a song in her heart

And a spring in her step.

As an example, I was walking downtown recently,

And a gentleman caller inquired casually...

As to the rate...

[laughter]

Sure,

To rent my body,

Like you do.

Now, ordinarily when that kind of street harassment

Happens to me, katie,

I can become quite frightened.

I can also trigger a sexual shame spiral,

"ha, I probably brought this on myself,

"what with going outside with a completely empty vagina."

[laughter]

But not dolly.

That's here name, dolly glad text.

Why when that gentleman says to her, "hey, how much?"

She just looks at him all wide-eyed and says,

"golly, mister!

"that's not oppression,

"it's an oppress-a-tunity!"

I told you, she's plucky.

Or when my boss sits me down for an impromptu

One-hour conversation about how the gender wage gap

Doesn't exist, and also,

Because race is artificial construct created by man,

Racism isn't real, and never affects public policy.

[laughter]

♪ oh, you're never too old ♪

♪ to cry at work. ♪

[laughter]

So for me and dolly, keep your chin up, keep punching up.

Thank you so much.

[applause]

Narrator: Still to come,

Simon king slugs it out!

[applause]

Paul: This performer knows all about punching up

And punching out and punching across,

And, you know, just prepared to duck.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Please welcome the knockout blows of simon king!

[applause]

[applause]

Simon: I'm jealous of racists

Because they're wrong,

But they're confident, you know what I mean?

They're so wrong and they're so--

You never see a racist who's not confident.

You never see a racist who's like, "white power!

"if that's okay." you never see that.

I'm not confident, I'm scared.

I'm so worried about accidentally being racist

That I'm so worried about accidentally doing

Something racist, and now I only hang out with white guys,

Just white guys to avoid being racist, that's all I do.

I just hang out with white guys, and we get together

And we talk about how we don't like being racist,

And we don't get together in our houses

'cause we don't want to bring our families into it,

So we kind of get together in the woods.

We have, like, a fire and we hang out in the woods.

[laughter]

And we're so shameful about being white dudes

That we cover our faces with these sort of, like, hoods.

Anyway, I saw--

[laughter]

And I know how racist my city is,

I saw a black family today, I wanted to warn them,

I was like, "get out," you know, just to let them know.

[laughter]

I took one of those ancestry dna tests, you know,

To see what jokes I can get away with.

Here's the thing...

[laughter]

I am a white straight male, so theoretically I'm the man,

But I'm fat, so that takes the edge off,

You know what I mean? [laughter]

I can't hold down another race of people.

I can't hold down my heart rate when I eat lasagna.

Are you out of your mind?

Some guy said to me, "you think you're better than me?"

"no, god, no, if I'm the best, we're screwed.

"we are screwed."

I spent 4 hours the other day walking around my apartment

With no pants on saying "cottage cheese"

In sean connery's voice 'cause I thought it was hilarious.

I'm not kidding. [laughter]

"cottage cheese, cottage cheese, cottage cheese."

I didn't even close the blinds.

[laughter]

I also don't want to be one of those people-- like,

I'm a very liberal dude, but I don't want to be one of those

People that says that white people are the only racists.

That's not true, white people are not the only racists.

Ironically, the one thing that all races share

Is that all races are racist.

White people are not racist, we're just really good at it

'cause we're white, we're good at things.

And here's the thing, it's true,

This is how good white people are at racism.

You know how most cities have, like, a chinatown,

Or a little tokyo, but they never have white guy town--

You know why? Never stops at town, that's why.

So it's just a bunch of white people go,

"this place is lovely," and then pumpkin spice everything.

That's why you gotta treat white people like cancer

And get us before we metastasize.

As soon as a bunch of white people get off a cruise ship

In your neighbourhood go, "this place is nice,"

Just get them, otherwise they'll put a walmart

Up around your grandmother and have that christmas sweater

She knits you every year, you gotta buy at a roll back price

'cause she enjoys working for a large corporation.

Don't trust whitey.

[laughter]

I saw an ad on a bus, it said,

"text this number to help child workers in other countries."

I sent them $3 on the iphone they made,

And then felt really good about myself.

Good for you, whitey, you earned your pad thai.

You kidding me?

[laughter]

All right, let's lighten it up a little bit.

Terrorism...

[laughter]

Doesn't work. Terrorism doesn't work.

What happens when terrorists attack?

It's actually the one piece of beauty

That comes out of tragedy: When terrorists attack,

People band together.

When there's a terrorist attack, we go you're not gonna defeat us

We're a society, we're sisterhood, a brotherhood,

We're gonna get together, that's what's gonna happen.

When terrorists attack, we band together.

What happens when we're mildly inconvenienced?

Society collapses.

Have you ever been behind a guy who's waited

Just a little bit too long for a donut?

"what the hell is this?!

"this is no way to run a business!"

Like, are you kidding me?

Calm down, che guevara, it's a donut!

You know what I mean?

[laughter]

If isis wanted to de-joy north american society--

If they want to destroy north american society,

They don't have to attack us, they just have to be like,

"people of the great satan,

"only one cash register open at all times at safeway!

"see you in hell!" it's be like, that's it!

[laughter]

That's it.

[applause]

And also, the other reason it doesn't work

Is 'cause we expect it, we're ready for it, we know

Isis is gonna do what they do,

We know terrorists are gonna do what they do.

It doesn't frighten us 'cause it's terrible,

But we're used to it.

You know, I knew a guy who was like just a total--

Meanest son of a bitch you ever met for, like, 20 years,

Then one day for no reason super nice.

That's terrifying, all right?

That's what isis should do.

They should be like, "people of the great satan,

"everyone has been mailed a puppy!"

You're like, "well, I'm gonna kill that puppy."

Like, there's no way...

It's not the breed, it's the owner!

You know what I mean? Like, that's the thing.

[laughter]

'cause what are you really more afraid of, getting blown up,

Or going broke? Going broke.

You don't work 40 hours a week to protect yourself from isis.

You work 40 hours a week to protect yourself

From the student loans and the credit cards,

And the banks, and the mortgage people.

That's what you throw your life down a tube for.

That's what terrifies you into giving up.

If they said to you, you have to throw the 50 best years

Of your life down a tube,

Give up your youth, your happiness,

Your hope, everything, just because there's a slight chance

Someone might cut your head off, you'd be, like, screw it,

Let's roll the dice. If they cut off my head,

I don't have to pay my credit card.

Let's see how this goes down. [laughter]

But, what do we fall for?

You got to throw the 50 best years of your life down a tube

For a chance at a better 4-door sedan.

That sounds like a good deal. It's not a good deal!

You're being stolen from.

When you turn your key in the car in the morning,

You're not afraid it will blow up,

You might be afraid it will actually start,

And then you'll have to go to that job you really hate,

That stole your youth, where you're a stripped cog,

Drinking that weak-ass break room coffee,

Which janice only mixed with one package--

You need two packages, janice!

All right, that's my own thing. The point is...

[laughter]

[applause]

A terrorist attack isn't a guy in a desert

With a blunt machete and a dream.

That's prime time, all right?

That's credit, that's how they sell you things.

A terrorist attack is a guy sitting across from you

At the loan centre, going, "well, maybe if you had

"a better credit rating and more money in your rsps

"you wouldn't have to eat dog food when you're 69."

That's a terrorist attack, all right?

You know how I know?

Because if a terrorist came in here right now and was like,

"allahu akbar,"

Half of you'd be like, "I don't have to go to work on Monday."

You want to know who the terrorists are?

Their card's already in your wallet.

My name is simon king. Goodnight.

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

Paul: Well, that's it.

I hope you ugly pricks enjoyed the punching up show.

Oh, my god! I almost made it!

I punched up the entire night, except for that last part there.

They can edit that out.

Well, goodnight!

[applause]

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