All language subtitles for W.C.F.S17E01.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

Lause]

Announcer: The winnipeg
comedy festival

Proudly presents...
Game on!

And now a man
who pulls no punches,

Your host,
chris jericho!

[applause]

♪

Chris: Wow!

[applause]

Chris: Look at this.

[applause]

Wow.

Thank you, winnipeg!

Yes, it's winnipeg.

It's great to be back home.

I grew up here.

Always good to be here
in front of all of you

Fine-looking people
here tonight.

Even a big honour
to be right here on stage

At the beautiful
pantages playhouse.

Beautiful place, right?
[applause]

Yeah.

The theatre was built in 1913,

Making it one of winnipeg's
most modern buildings.

[laughter]

One of my most famous
moments as a performer,

People ask about and
say to me all the time,

It went viral online, getting
millions of views on youtube,

Is me telling a heckler

At a wwe show,

"I'm from winnipeg,
you idiot!"

Now, that might sound kind of
rude, but in my defence,

The heckler had uttered
the most offensive slur

Any american can say
to a western canadian:

He thought I was from toronto.

Audience: Ooh...

[applause]

But the theme of
tonight's show is sports.

I mean, I love sports.

Everyone loves sports, right?

I mean, the thrill of victory
and the agony of defeat;

Two teams squaring off
for battle.

On any given day,
any team can win,

Unless one of those teams
is the edmonton oilers.

[laughter & applause]

But, you know...

I love everything about sports.
Well, I mean, almost everything.

I do have a list of issues
I have with sports.

I mean, for one, I don't
like dudes who propose

To their girlfriends
at the game.

Was that her dream,
do you think, bud, you know?

"do you know what
would be romantic..."

[laughter]

[applause]

"it would be so romantic
if he asked me to be his wife

"in front of 10,000
noisy strangers

"who smell like
beer and hotdogs."

[laughter]

What do you think, buddy,

You couldn't get
a reservation at hooters?

[laughter]

Uh, but speaking of
great sports, hockey.

My dad here tonight,
ted irvine, yes, yes.

[applause]

He played...

My dad played
more than 700 games

In the league back
in the '60s and '70s,

When players fought every night

And nobody wore helmets, right?

[applause]

[applause]

He didn't make a ton of money,
but his dentist made a fortune!

I'll tell ya that.

Speaking of great
hockey players,

A few years ago I got
to meet wayne gretzky.

Yeah.

I was so starstruck,
I didn't know what to say.

I wanted to go say hi,
but I didn't know how to,

So I kind of walked up to him.

Before I could say
a word, he said,

"hey, I know you."

And I was, "me?"

He said, "yes, I know you,
'cause I know who you are."

He goes, "you're jeff jericho."

[laughter]

Pros, cons.

Gretzky knows at least
half of my name, right?

So I didn't even
bother correcting him.

As a matter of fact,
I want all of you

To refer to me as jeff jericho

For the rest of the night
because wayne gretzky said so.

[applause]

[applause]

You know, I wanted to play
in the nhl when I was a kid,

But I didn't get in
on account of a technicality.

It turns out you actually have
to be good to play in the nhl.

It's bullshit, right?

So instead I became
a professional wrestler,

And that's been very good to me.

I mean, some of the world's
greatest entertainers

Have been pro wrestlers,
have been part of pro wrestling.

I mean, the rock,
hulk hogan.

Donald trump...

Was even part of
professional wrestling.

It's true.

I mean, I know it's hard
to believe donald trump

Would get involved with
something with a russian guy

Who always cheats

And the outcome
is predetermined.

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

That was the obligatory
political joke just for you.

But think about it,
though, donald trump

Was in the main event
of wrestlemania 23,

And now he's the president
of the united states.

The rock was the main event
of wrestlemania 17,

And now he's the biggest
movie star in the world.

I was in the main event
of wrestlemania 18,

And now I'm the host of one
of the most prestigious

Comedy festivals in all of
south-eastern manitoba.

[applause]

I mean, right?!

[applause]

Alright, so what do you say,

Are you ready
to meet the first act?

Are you ready?

[applause]

♪

Chris: Alright, this comedian
has been hailed

As the michael phelps of comedy,

Which is a nice way of saying
he smokes a lot of weed.

[laughter]

Please welcome rob pue!

[applause]

♪

Rob: Here we are.

We're here today talking
about the only thing

I ever want to talk about:
Sports.

I love it.
I grew up playing

Every kind of sport imaginable

My whole life,
and I thought

Up until recently that I had
a pretty good grasp on

What constituted actual sport,

But it turns out there's
a whole bunch of activities,

Sort of in disguise,
posing as sports.

I'm sure you're familiar

With these
little rip-offs, huh?

Fishing...

Fishing is classified
as a sport!

Really?

Who's your favourite fisherman?

[laughter]

I mean...

Yeah.

At any point in your life, did
you have a poster on your wall?

[laughter]

You know, in a sport,

Shouldn't both participants
know they're playing?

[laughter]

Fishing is the only sport

Where the loser gets dragged
out of the lake by his face...

[laughter]

...Thrown in a cooler.

This is some crazy
high stakes, you know?

Darts!

Darts is a sport?

[laughter]

Quick, off the top of your head,

Top five greatest moments
in darts history, go!

[laughter]

You can't tell anybody you're
a dart players with pride.

Darts is the only sport
you get better at in a bar.

[laughter]

You ever imagine someone
trying to pick up at a bar?

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I don't know if you
ladies know this,

But, uh...

I'm captain
of the dart team.

[laughter]

Well, that deal's set.

Curling!

[booing]

Oh, oh...

I knew you'd be like this.

[laughter]

I knew I wasn't wading
into this one easily.

I mean, it's a sport now because
the russians cheated at it.

[laughter]

That's gonna tickle me
for so long.

[laughter]

I mean, what possesses the mind
to think you got to take peds

To do better at curling?

Were you not exploding out
of the hack fast enough?

[laughter]

What...

Yeah.

[applause]

Slav is over his broom just
getting an earful from his skip,

Like, "I know you're
saying 'harder,'

"but I just don't have
enough in the tank!"

[laughter]

"if only there was something
I could put in my body

"to kick this up a notch!"

[laughter]

I played hockey
my whole life, huh?

I still do.
I won't give up the dream.

[laughter]

You hear this in hockey a lot:
This is a lesson that people

Gloss over, if you never
played team sports

You're really at
a loss in life, okay?

Keep your head up.

[laughter]

Keep your head up.

Now, I learned this lesson
the hard way, okay?

Um, I was a 17-year-old kid,

Playing some hockey
out in alberta, you know?

Now, at that age I felt fairly
invincible, untouchable, huh?

I had locks.

Hair was flowing like thor.

I could move quick like a bunny.

I could really skate, really
dig in, and I loved the sound.

I come around the net
this one play, we're in camp,

I come around the net and I'm
digging in the sweet sound

Of the edge work,
that [whooshing]...

Oh, it's musical to me.

I'm stick handling
an uncooked egg here,

You know what I mean?
I'm really...

Smooth mitts, and I'm
admiring my own handiwork.

[laughter]

And I know I'm moving fast
'cause my jersey

Is just rippling like this.

Little hockey hair tickling
out the side, tickling.

[laughter]

Well, of course I look up, huh,
and there's this man, okay,

Not a boy, huh,
20-something-year-old man,

Skating through the neutral
zone straight at me,

Eyes locked on me, and his
gloves are already off.

[laughter]

I thought there was
something happening;

I looked behind me,
I went "whoa..."

"oh, me."

You know, I kind of coasted
into him, my gloves came off,

But they sort of shook off.

Terrified, huh?

I'm about to fight
this barrel of a man.

Um, he skates into me,

And with a hand the size
of a dinner plate, you know...

[laughter]

...He put this bear
paw on my chest.

Now, his middle finger
touched my collarbone,

The base of his palm touched
the top of my belly button.

[laughter]

It was a real big hand.

[laughter]

He raises his fist dramatically
as if to show me, like,

"I'm gonna hit you with it."

And I remember
getting all peaceful,

Like, grade 3 was great.

[laughter]

He dropped that sledgehammer,
my lights went out.

I didn't feel pain.
I remember thinking,

"thank you, quick and easy."

I'm into efficiency.

Then I... I see a pinhole
of light and I think,

"oh, I'm dead."

I start going towards
the light, you know?

And as I got closer
and the light got brighter,

I started to feel pain, like
a spike going through my ears,

You know, the pain
of a broken jaw.

The water filled my eyes,

And the taste of copper
in the back of my throat.

Now... My saddest moment
in hockey, I woke up,

Wiped the water from my eyes,

And I was still in the fight.

[laughter]

[applause]

[laughter]

So, I learned how to
keep my head up, and I--

Some day I'd like to
pass all my passion

And love this game
onto some kids.

I'd love to have a boy
that played hockey.

I'd like that.

You need big
sturdy hard pieces.

You need to be durable
to play hockey, you know?

My last girlfriend,
very slight figured, bird-like.

If I had a boy with her,
wonderful,

But if he comes out
with her shoulders,

That's house league for him,

And I'm not going
to those games.

[laughter]

Waste money on stick tape
and gas and double doubles

Every morning to what,
to feign interest

In some horrible
wrist shot through the glass?

"okay, kevin, you got
it off the ice, yeah.

"mom loves ya."

[laughter]

"okay, take my name
off your sweater.

"I'm gonna be in the van."

[laughter]

Winnipeg,
you're always a treat.

Thank you very much!

Goodnight!

[applause]

Narrator: Get active
with erika sigurdson,

When the winnipeg
comedy festival returns.

Chris: This performer
hails from vancouver,

Home to such triumphant
hockey moments...

As nothing!

Please welcome
erica sigurdson!

[applause]

Erica: Thank you.

♪

So, I like watching most sports.

I don't know a lot of the rules,
but I like watching them.

I have a problem
that golf is on tsn.

It's not a sport.

It is so boring.

Has anybody tried
to watch the master?

They're probably
dead if you did.

Um, like if I had
an hour to live,

I would ask them
to put golf on tv,

'cause then it would seem
like an eternity, right?

[laughter]

[applause]

I think by, like,
minute 35 I'd be like,

"unplug me.
I'm ready to go."

They don't even have,
like, uniforms in golf.

They have a dress code.
Ooh, fancy.

Like, uniforms for football--

See, I don't know
what's happening,

I watched the super bowl,
there was just a lot of guys

In tight pants; I was like,
"ooh, are they running?

"are they kicking?
Yay, I love this."

Golf, their uniform is slacks

And a polo shirt.

That's the same uniform
they wear at best buy.

[laughter]

And there's no cool
trophy to win in golf.

Like, if you win
the stanley cup,

You're gonna get
the stanley cup.

You drink out of it,
you take it your hometown,

It's super-exciting.

If you win the masters,

You get a blazer.

[laughter]

"ooh, I won, now I'm
a best buy manager."

[laughter]

[applause]

So exciting.

[applause]

I played sports in college.

Anybody who played
sports in college,

You know your last game
was really emotional.

Like, for me,
it was the tryouts.

[laughter]

Yeah, they said,
"you're not good.

"please go away."

Now I box, 'cause I try
to stay in shape, so I box.

I don't know if anybody--
we don't box each other,

We just hit the bag
and then the pad work, um,

But I do one day want them
to just blow a whistle

And just yell "fight club,"

And then we just--
you know what I mean?

Like, just go at it,

Because you don't really
know if you're good

Until you get to just clock
somebody out of nowhere.

And like my boxing club
has a deal with, like,

Lululemon head office,

So there's a lot of
these yoga girls

That come to boxing
in the morning.

I'm there at 6 am because
I'm trying to lose some lbs.,

You know what I mean?

Like, trying to
shed some pounds.

They show up, they're so--
they're working out in bra tops.

I'm like, "oh..."

[laughter]

"I get it, you're doing
the lord's work."

Um...

[laughter]

"go away."

Some of them wear,
like, tank tops,

But then they tie
a knot in the back,

Just so you can really
see their-- I'm like,

"I get it, you're thin!"

And that's the girl that's
getting it if they ever yell

"fight club,"
you know what I mean?

Like... That's the one.

[applause]

She wouldn't know what happened.

[applause]

She's just like,
"what's fight club?"

Pow, you're down.

Oh-oh, oh-oh, tank top
is secure, do not worry.

[laughter]

Um, the only sport my husband
and I do together--

I don't know if there's couples
that do sports together, um...

It's not a good idea--

We kayak and we own
a tandem kayak;

That's the one
with the two seats;

And if you've ever seen a couple
in a tandem kayak and thought,

"hmm, wonder
what's going on there,"

Let me tell ya,

One person in that boat
really likes kayaking.

[laughter]

Yeah.

The other person
wanted to buy a vespa.

[laughter]

So, he really wanted
to get this kayak.

I was like,
"fine, we'll get the kayak,"

And then I'm like,
"well, what are we gonna do?

"like, just kayak
around english bay?"

And he's like, "no, we're gonna
go on a kayak camping trip."

And I was like,
"that's two separate things.

"camping is on land."
and he's like,

"we put our stuff
on the kayak and kayak."

And I was like, "I don't want
to be with you anymore."

So, we did it.
Like an idiot, I do this.

We put all our
stuff in the boat,

We kayak to one of
the gulf islands.

Now, first, I've never
kayaked before ever.

First day, 6 hours
in the boat.

Six--
I know, I was so mad.

Six, I was furious.

He's in the seat behind me.

Hour 3, I...

And the problem is, you--

You want to go with the wind
at your back, right,

So he's coaching me non-stop

For 6 hours.

I am yelling things
back of a less...

Coaching manner, um,

And he's just non-stop.

You ever learn a new thing with
your partner, just so many tips.

[laughter]

We're paddling, he's like,
"use your core."

I'm like,
"oh, I hate you."

And then he's like,
"keep up with my stroke,"

And I'm like,
"I can't do it in the bedroom,

"I'm not doing it here."

[laughter]

Just...
[applause]

Right?

[applause]

So, we camped for like 4 days,

And it's the best... Um...
Best time of my life.

I'm on the ground.
I know there's a journey back.

And so we have to kayak back,

And now we get
in the kayak late--

It's not important
whose fault that was,

But it wasn't mine-- and...

The sun is going down,

And I'm panicking 'cause you
don't want to be on the water

When the sun's going.

So we got headlamps on
and, like, I'm like,

I'm really nervous right now,

And that's when I had
my seabiscuit moment.

Like, jay stepped up

And he was like the coach
from rocky, right?

Like, he was like behind me,
and he's like,

"do you see that light
in the distance?"

And I was like,
"uh-huh."

And he said,
"that is the last pub open

"on cortes island,
and it closes in 45."

My core was going.

I was kicking up fish.
I was like, "my weapons!"

You guys have been
great, winnipeg.

Thank you very much!

Narrator: After the break,

Sterling scott
comes out swinging,

Next on the
winnipeg comedy festival.

Chris: This next comedian
has the best afro

Of anyone in his hometown
of edmonton,

Narrowly beating out
1985 grant fuhr.

[laughter]

Please welcome
sterling scott!

[applause]

[applause]

Sterling: Ha-ha!
This is great!

Winnipeg, what's up?

[cheering]

I have not been back in this
great city in the last 3 years.

This is awesome!
I love it, I love it!

But you know what I realize
is that sometimes

Stereotypes don't always
play out in your favour

And sometimes
they do, you know?

Like, for example,
I'm a black dude,

And I know a lot of you guys
may not be intimidated, but yes,

Some people think I can fight.

I was in johnny g's last night
tying one on, and some bro dude,

He bumped me, he hit me hard
like this, like, "yeah, yeah."

And I was like,
"yo, what's the problem?"

He's like, "yo bro,
you want to fight?"

And I was like, "listen...

"this is what's
gonna happen next.

"see, I'ma go to my car,

"and all I'm saying is
you better not be here

"when I get back!"

[laughter]

And then I went to my car...

And drove home.

I swear, I did; I drove home,
drove home, drove home.

I'm not fighting,
I'm not fighting.

It's ridiculous.

[laughs]
[applause]

You know what I mean?

And of course everyone
would talk about sports,

And it's like, ah,
all black people

Are automatically
good at sports,

And the reality is, we are!
We're killing it, people!

We're killing it!

We are the best sports--
basketball, football.

Step the game up,
white people!

We killing you!
We killing you. [laughs]

And then my friends,
they didn't like the fact

That I was doing so well
in all of my sports.

I was crushing it
when I was in elementary school.

I was one of the best of
the 60-pound weight division.

They were like, "hey, sterling,
you know what you should do?"

I was like, "what?"

They say, "you should
come play hockey."

Yeah, yeah, you evil,
evil people.

[laughter]

There's a lot you guys
don't know about

When it comes to hockey, okay?

And I was doing this
back in the '80s,

So it wasn't like a
popular sport back then

For my people, right?

So, first off, we all get
together and they're like,

"yeah, you're gonna
need some skates."

Now, here's the back story.

My parents are from
trinidad and tobago.

That's a place
that's never seen snow,

And now I got to convince my
mother, who's never seen snow,

I need special shoes
to slide on ice.

[laughter]

She was like, "why can't you
just go push, push, slide?

"just push, push, slide?"

I'm like, "we can't do that,
we can't do that."

I didn't know you guys needed
helmets to play hockey!

All the other kids
have big black helmets;

I'm out there with a du rag
and too much confidence.

[laughter]

I didn't know how to tie skates.

I thought you just, you know,

Do the little bunny rabbit at
the top and head out onto ice.

I didn't know you had
to start from the bottom

And come all the way up.

I hit the ice, literally.

My ankles collapsed
underneath me,

And I'm just doing like
the weird dinosaur walk,

My knees trembling.

All the other kids looking at me
like, "what's wrong, sterling?"

Like, "nothing, man,
I'ma make it.

"I'ma be alright."

'cause all I want to do
is get to the board, right?

Just get to the board,

'cause then I can hang out
and still be cool.

[laughter]

It was horrible.

And the boys,
they smelt blood, yeah.

The number one athlete
in the school can't skate,

It's game time, and they
started to circle me.

You know what I mean?

They're all skating
magnificently towards me...

Right, and then
they would skate

Right up to me and go...
"ha!"

That's the move,
that's the move!

They'd skate, skate,
"ha!"

And they would keep
spraying the ice in my face.

I was covered
head to toe in ice.

It was ridiculous.

I looked like an
adult film star

That made a lot of
wrong decisions.

[applause]

[laughs]

[applause]

One of my greatest
sports stories

Happened when
I was in high school.

When I was in high school, I was
one of the fastest athletes

In the country in the year 2001,
right, a long time ago.

But I'm at a track meet-- now,
my real name is sterling scott,

So when I was in high school
I used to like to wear

A lot of silver jewellery.

Sterling scott,
sterling silver, ha-ha,

I thought it was cute, right?

But now I go to this track meet,

And there's a bunch of kids
from a bad neighbourhood,

And they want to rob me.

All right, they see
all the jewellery, like,

"we gonna get him."

So now I'm sitting
in the stands,

And they do their
first trick, okay?

Pay attention,

This is how you know when
someone's trying to rob you.

The first move they did
was they sent a girl over,

And she was like,

"my friend wants to talk to you,
she thinks you're cute."

I was like,
"where your friend at?"

And she pointed
under the bleachers,

And there was 30 black guys.
Now...

White people, if you
ever get invited to a place

Where there's 30 black people
you don't know, don't go.

That's not racist, that's
common sense, all right?

[laughter]

So, I'm like,
"I'm not going over there!"

So then they do
the next tactic, right?

They send some little guy
into the stands, right,

And he was gonna try and
start an argument with me,

And then what happened is
everybody would jump in,

Jewellery goes missing,
you don't know who to blame.

But I saw this happening.

So the minute that they
sat down and started talking,

"yo, I heard you was
talking about me,"

I picked up my cell phone
and I called my brother.

My brother is 5'10",
265, and I was like,

"yo, it looks like somebody
is trying to rob me.

"how long before
you get here?"

Perfect.
Hung up the phone.

Everyone starts panicking.

They're like,
"yo, where you from?

"what set you at?"
I'm saying nothing,

So now they're getting antsy.
They're like, "forget it,

"we making this move,"
and on cue,

My brother's car pulls up
into the parking lot,

And out from the car
jumps my mother, ha-ha!

5'3", 135 pounds,

Dragging a shovel.

She stands in the middle
of the field,

Stares out to crowd and goes,

"which one of you guys
want to fight my son?"

[laughter]

I have seen a guy get shot
and pull the bullet out,

That was the second most
gangster thing I had ever seen.

[laughter]

I was like, "mommy"-- I don't
care, I still say mommy--

"mommy!
I'm right here!"

She's like, "good, let's go,"
and we just decided to leave,

But she exits in the same area
where those 30 guys were before,

And as we're walking by,

One of them taps me
on the shoulder and he goes,

"yo, you got lucky."

But my mom heard him,

And my mom turned around,

With the shovel
still in her hand,

Pointing it at this
guy's face, she goes,

"yo, let me
tell you something!

"this is what's
gonna happen next.

"see, I'ma go to my car,

"and all I'm saying is
you better not be here

"when I get back!"

'cause I had to learn
that from somebody.

My name is sterling scott.
I'm out of here!

Narrator: When we return,

A slam-dunk
from simon rakoff!

♪

T comedian
began his career in 1978,

Canada only had 3 nhl teams.

Today there are 7.
Coincidence?

Very much so.

Please welcome
simon rakoff!

[applause]

[applause]

Simon: Thank you so much!

It's great to be
back in winnipeg,

And it makes sense
that I should be on this gala,

Since I live in canada's
only real sports city:

Toronto.

[boos]

Hey, hey, I don't know why so
much of canada hates toronto.

We don't think about you at all.

[laughter]

But it's crazy, everywhere
I go across the country,

People yell at me,
"leafs suck!"

You know, I get on stage,
"leafs suck,"

'cause it's my fault,
you know, yeah.

I don't know why the coach
gives me so many shifts.

[laughter]

Truth is, I don't know
anything about the leafs.

I mean, apparently they suck,

But I've never
actually seen them play.

I don't follow hockey.

I don't hate sports;

I just don't
care about sports.

And it's not because I'm jealous
'cause they're young and fit,

And I'm short and old
and fat and slow.

They have abs,
and I just have the one ab.

[laughter]

Sports are fun, they're just
not important, you know?

It's just another entertainment,
but it's treated so seriously.

You know, athletes
pray to god before a game.

I'm sure god is thinking,

"sorry, starving
and diseased kids,

"I have to help lamar
make this pass."

[laughter]

People say,
"well, sports are healthy."

Really?

I don't think so.
Who are the fittest athletes?

Triathletes maybe.

You know, they
call them "iron men."

I'm in lousy shape,

But if I went to
the finish line of a triathlon,

I guarantee I could kick
every one of their asses

Right after they come in.

[laughter]

Not so fit now, are ya?

Yeah, I spent the day
on the couch eating pizza

And I'm taking on all of ya!

I don't think kids should look
up to athletes the way they do.

You see these little guys
in their raptors jersey,

With the name of their
favourite player on the back.

I like to go up to them and say,
"you look so much taller on tv."

[laughter]

People who go to the olympics
give up their youth for it.

Everyone else is going
out and having fun.

Meanwhile those athletes
are just working on being

World-class divers
or whatever, you know?

Friends call them, "hey, we're
at the bar, come on down,

"there's girls here."
"no, sorry, I have to dive.

"I'm diving."

It's not a well-rounded
person, you know?

And for what?
There's only 3 winners

Out of all the competitors
in the world at the olympics.

You ever see the end
of an olympic race?

Gold, silver, bronze, loser.

[laughter]

.003 hundredths of a second
separate the glorious champion

From the piece of crap loser.

I mean, I'm sure the
fourth guy is thinking,

"wow, I probably should have had
those beers and gotten laid."

[laughter]

Meanwhile everyone else he knows

Has spent their time becoming
doctors and other productive

Members of society.

He's an athlete, you can only
play till you're about 25, 30.

It's not like if the athletic
skills are transferable

To a real job either.

I mean, after the olympics,
what are you?

You're a 20-year-old
with one useless ability.

I mean, I suppose discus
throwers could, you know,

Deliver pizza.

[laughter]

Curlers could work
as super-speedy custodians.

Wow, they swept the entire
school in 8 minutes!

[laughter]

Pole vaulters could
help clients in mexico.

Could be an
immigration consultant

When trump's wall
goes up, yeah.

[applause]

[applause]

And even if you're
a winner, what do you get?

A medal.

I mean, what good is it?
You can't wear it, really.

I mean, nobody's going
out wearing a medal,

Unless it's some knob who
picked it up on ebay, you know?

[laughter]

"oh, yeah, my olympic medal.

"I forgot I put that on
before I came out.

[laughter]

"I won at salt lake, uh...
Placid... In, uh...

"hurdles."

[laughter]

The whole olympic credo is
"higher, stronger, faster!"

But it's not really fair because
it's only open to humans.

I mean, think about it,
if we let other species

Into the olympics,
we wouldn't win one medal.

Long jump,
the kangaroo, oh my god!

[laughter]

Weightlifting,
the elephant.

Wrestling,
the gorilla.

Didn't even train,
killed our best guy.

[laughter]

That's the podium:
Gorilla, two dead guys, oh!

[laughter]

I don't hate sports,
but I love the arts.

All the best lessons of sports,
none of the bad ones.

Sports fans talk about
the importance of team work

And cooperation.

Well, you get that
in a band too,

And you can still be
in a band after 30,

And there's no rules about
no sex before a concert...

[laughter]

Or even during
sometimes, really.

Sports isn't
about cooperation,

It's about competition
and dominance.

That's not a good lesson.

The real world isn't divided
into winners and losers.

There's room for everybody.

The arts aren't competitive.

If they were, the beatles
would be the only band.

The stones would have to sit
in the locker room and cry,

Apologize for their fans,
"sorry, we came in second."

[laughter]

I don't hate sports,

I just think they need to be
put into perspective.

I'll tell you who
really hates sports,

People who love sports.

Seriously, do you ever
see them watching?

"you dumb son of a bitch,
how could you miss that?

"it was right down the middle!

"are you kidding me?!

"give me $12 million,
I'll strike out!

"I hope you die!"

[laughter]

You see them watching;
"what are you doing?"

"I'm watching my favourite
thing, leave me alone!"

"okay, well,
you enjoy that, then."

And I've really
enjoyed you, folks.

Really a treat.

Goodnight, and thanks
for listening.

Narrator: Still to come,

Dave hemstad puts
the puck in the net,

When the winnipeg
comedy festival returns.

Chris: This performer boasts
the physique of an nhl superstar

Who retired years ago
to pursue a career in comedy.

You gotta think about
that one for a second.

Give it up
for dave hemstad!

[applause]

[applause]

♪

Dave: Thank you.
Thank you very much.

What fun.

Sports are the best way
to stay in shape.

I used to be a great athlete.

This is all leftovers.

I was in amazing shape.

I used to be able to put
my socks on standing up.

[laughter]

Now I can't always
finish a sock.

That's a sad start to the day.

You ever get halfway
through a sock,

And realize you didn't bring
enough breath down with ya?

[laughter]

[applause]

You run into more trouble around
the toes than you anticipated

When you set out
on your mission.

So, down there too long
and you run out of oxygen,

You have to surface to
[gasps] okay, okay.

Wasn't ready for
all that, come on.

Even worse is trying
to tie my skates,

'cause you have to
thread the eyelets, right,

And I can't see 'em.

But if I get 'em out
to where I can see 'em,

Then I can't reach 'em.

[laughter]

Then I'm sitting there
realizing there's a good chance

I'm not gonna get
to play hockey today

'cause... 'cause
there's no way,

There's just no way

That I'm asking another man...

[laughter]

...To tie my skates for me.

That's...

[applause]

That's...

Yeah, that's...
[chuckles]

That's my body telling me
it's time to stop

Playing hockey, I guess.

Sooner or later we all
have to stop playing sports.

You know, for most of us,
it's sooner.

And I'll miss playing
hockey, I will.

I got into hockey since
I was a kid, you know?

I got into it for the same
reason all canadian kids

Start playing hockey:

I wanted my dad to love me.

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

I don't know how else you're
supposed to pull that off.

I don't know.

I mean, what are you
gonna do, play piano?

You know how good you
have to be at the piano

For your dad to love you?

You have to be
amazing at the piano

For your dad to love you,

And he's not coming
to practices.

[laughter]

If you have a 6 am
hockey practice,

Your dad is up at 5,
he drives you to the rink,

And then tim hortons makes
a commercial about him.

[laughter]

Now, if you have a 6 am
piano practice...

[laughter]

...You're riding your
bike in the dark.

[laughter]

[applause]

Now, now if you
have two dads,

Odds are...

One of them loves piano.

[laughter]

[laughter]

But if you only
have one dad,

You better get out there
and work on your shot...

'cause you're one fluky goal
away from a hair tussle

And some ice cream.

[laughter]

Anyway, and I
still play sports

'cause my dad's still alive,

So...

[applause]

So...
[applause]

So...

He invited me to a
father-son squash tournament

Over the holidays last winter.

Squash is tennis
but played in a box,

If you don't know
the sport, I mean,

So, um, the thing is
he misled me a little bit.

It wasn't a father-son
tournament,

It was a parent-child

Squash tournament.

So our first round match

Is against a woman my age

And her 12-year-old daughter.

[laughter]

Like, what are we doing?

What are we doing?
This is stupid.

What are we doing?

And my dad's a prairie boy,

You know, a real
mike babcock type,

You know, just tough,
so he doesn't fall for any--

He's like, "never mind
who you're playing.

"let's go, focus."

[laughter]

[applause]

And I...

So first of all,
I'm hungover.

[laughter]

Second of all, I don't care
about this as much as you do.

This is a little girl.

I don't really want to teach
this little girl a lesson

On the squash court today.
And he goes,

"yeah, your opponent's
a little girl this time;

"next time it won't be,
so let's go, focus.

"do the job
you're here to do."

So, I start runnin',
you know?

And, um, this
poor girl, right?

I'm sweatin' vodka...

[laughter]

She's gotta run around
in my alcoholic jet wash

The whole time, so...

[laughter]

I know it was bugging her,
'cause I heard her talking

To her mom in between points,
and she's like,

"he smells like first
daddy's medicine."

[laughter]

[applause]

Anyway, we won.

[laughter]

So, we advance
to the next round,

And now we gotta play
some 90-year-old guy

And his 70-year-old kid,

And, uh, they were great.

They were so good.

They'd been playing,
they knew the angles on shots,

I was runnin' like crazy chasing
the ball, and we're losing,

And my dad's getting
steamed at me, you know,

"you should be embarrassed
losing to these guys, right."

I'm like,
"yeah, but they're good."

He's like, "you got to find
another level of compete."

[laughter]

What was I supposed to do?
I didn't know.

Am I gonna let my dad down,

Or suddenly get better
at this game?

I don't know what to do.

So I played a shot in front of
me and I felt this old guy

Trying to get around me,
so I just left

A hip out on him a little bit
and boop-she-boop-she-boo!

[laughter]

I don't know if you've
ever seen old people fall,

But they suck at it.

They're so bad, they're so bad
at falling 'cause their muscles

Don't fire fast enough
to protect themselves

On the way down anymore,

So it's just
all elbows and knees,

It's all elbows and knees
when they hit,

And they don't even bleed,
just a little red cloud of dust

Comes out from where they hit,

Just red dust,
red dust, red dust.

[applause]

And then... There's
no liquid left in 'em,

That's why they snap a hip
every time they go down,

It's just a cell, and then,
and then he disappeared,

He was just gone, a cloud,
just a shirt and some shorts.

I was poking it
with the racquet,

And he was just gone.

So, we won.
And, uh....

[laughter]

[applause]

And, uh...

And later we were
talking over ice cream...

[laughter]

And I say, "you know...

"I'm thinking of
taking up the piano."

Thanks very much, winnipeg.

It's always a treat
to play this festival.

Thank you!
Cheers!

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

Chris: Was that great?

Did you guys have
a good time tonight?

[cheering & applause]

Chris: Well, guys,
that's our show.

I hope you had a great time.

And please remember that
just like in pro wrestling,

The important thing about
tonight isn't who won or lost,

It's that I got paid
a shit load of money.

[applause]

Goodnight!

[applause]