Original subtitles

Lause]

Announcer: The winnipeg comedy festival

Proudly presents... Game on!

And now a man who pulls no punches,

Your host, chris jericho!

[applause]

♪

Chris: Wow!

[applause]

Chris: Look at this.

[applause]

Wow.

Thank you, winnipeg!

Yes, it's winnipeg.

It's great to be back home.

I grew up here.

Always good to be here in front of all of you

Fine-looking people here tonight.

Even a big honour to be right here on stage

At the beautiful pantages playhouse.

Beautiful place, right? [applause]

Yeah.

The theatre was built in 1913,

Making it one of winnipeg's most modern buildings.

[laughter]

One of my most famous moments as a performer,

People ask about and say to me all the time,

It went viral online, getting millions of views on youtube,

Is me telling a heckler

At a wwe show,

"I'm from winnipeg, you idiot!"

Now, that might sound kind of rude, but in my defence,

The heckler had uttered the most offensive slur

Any american can say to a western canadian:

He thought I was from toronto.

Audience: Ooh...

[applause]

But the theme of tonight's show is sports.

I mean, I love sports.

Everyone loves sports, right?

I mean, the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat;

Two teams squaring off for battle.

On any given day, any team can win,

Unless one of those teams is the edmonton oilers.

[laughter & applause]

But, you know...

I love everything about sports. Well, I mean, almost everything.

I do have a list of issues I have with sports.

I mean, for one, I don't like dudes who propose

To their girlfriends at the game.

Was that her dream, do you think, bud, you know?

"do you know what would be romantic..."

[laughter]

[applause]

"it would be so romantic if he asked me to be his wife

"in front of 10,000 noisy strangers

"who smell like beer and hotdogs."

[laughter]

What do you think, buddy,

You couldn't get a reservation at hooters?

[laughter]

Uh, but speaking of great sports, hockey.

My dad here tonight, ted irvine, yes, yes.

[applause]

He played...

My dad played more than 700 games

In the league back in the '60s and '70s,

When players fought every night

And nobody wore helmets, right?

[applause]

[applause]

He didn't make a ton of money, but his dentist made a fortune!

I'll tell ya that.

Speaking of great hockey players,

A few years ago I got to meet wayne gretzky.

Yeah.

I was so starstruck, I didn't know what to say.

I wanted to go say hi, but I didn't know how to,

So I kind of walked up to him.

Before I could say a word, he said,

"hey, I know you."

And I was, "me?"

He said, "yes, I know you, 'cause I know who you are."

He goes, "you're jeff jericho."

[laughter]

Pros, cons.

Gretzky knows at least half of my name, right?

So I didn't even bother correcting him.

As a matter of fact, I want all of you

To refer to me as jeff jericho

For the rest of the night because wayne gretzky said so.

[applause]

[applause]

You know, I wanted to play in the nhl when I was a kid,

But I didn't get in on account of a technicality.

It turns out you actually have to be good to play in the nhl.

It's bullshit, right?

So instead I became a professional wrestler,

And that's been very good to me.

I mean, some of the world's greatest entertainers

Have been pro wrestlers, have been part of pro wrestling.

I mean, the rock, hulk hogan.

Donald trump...

Was even part of professional wrestling.

It's true.

I mean, I know it's hard to believe donald trump

Would get involved with something with a russian guy

Who always cheats

And the outcome is predetermined.

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

That was the obligatory political joke just for you.

But think about it, though, donald trump

Was in the main event of wrestlemania 23,

And now he's the president of the united states.

The rock was the main event of wrestlemania 17,

And now he's the biggest movie star in the world.

I was in the main event of wrestlemania 18,

And now I'm the host of one of the most prestigious

Comedy festivals in all of south-eastern manitoba.

[applause]

I mean, right?!

[applause]

Alright, so what do you say,

Are you ready to meet the first act?

Are you ready?

[applause]

♪

Chris: Alright, this comedian has been hailed

As the michael phelps of comedy,

Which is a nice way of saying he smokes a lot of weed.

[laughter]

Please welcome rob pue!

[applause]

♪

Rob: Here we are.

We're here today talking about the only thing

I ever want to talk about: Sports.

I love it. I grew up playing

Every kind of sport imaginable

My whole life, and I thought

Up until recently that I had a pretty good grasp on

What constituted actual sport,

But it turns out there's a whole bunch of activities,

Sort of in disguise, posing as sports.

I'm sure you're familiar

With these little rip-offs, huh?

Fishing...

Fishing is classified as a sport!

Really?

Who's your favourite fisherman?

[laughter]

I mean...

Yeah.

At any point in your life, did you have a poster on your wall?

[laughter]

You know, in a sport,

Shouldn't both participants know they're playing?

[laughter]

Fishing is the only sport

Where the loser gets dragged out of the lake by his face...

[laughter]

...Thrown in a cooler.

This is some crazy high stakes, you know?

Darts!

Darts is a sport?

[laughter]

Quick, off the top of your head,

Top five greatest moments in darts history, go!

[laughter]

You can't tell anybody you're a dart players with pride.

Darts is the only sport you get better at in a bar.

[laughter]

You ever imagine someone trying to pick up at a bar?

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I don't know if you ladies know this,

But, uh...

I'm captain of the dart team.

[laughter]

Well, that deal's set.

Curling!

[booing]

Oh, oh...

I knew you'd be like this.

[laughter]

I knew I wasn't wading into this one easily.

I mean, it's a sport now because the russians cheated at it.

[laughter]

That's gonna tickle me for so long.

[laughter]

I mean, what possesses the mind to think you got to take peds

To do better at curling?

Were you not exploding out of the hack fast enough?

[laughter]

What...

Yeah.

[applause]

Slav is over his broom just getting an earful from his skip,

Like, "I know you're saying 'harder,'

"but I just don't have enough in the tank!"

[laughter]

"if only there was something I could put in my body

"to kick this up a notch!"

[laughter]

I played hockey my whole life, huh?

I still do. I won't give up the dream.

[laughter]

You hear this in hockey a lot: This is a lesson that people

Gloss over, if you never played team sports

You're really at a loss in life, okay?

Keep your head up.

[laughter]

Keep your head up.

Now, I learned this lesson the hard way, okay?

Um, I was a 17-year-old kid,

Playing some hockey out in alberta, you know?

Now, at that age I felt fairly invincible, untouchable, huh?

I had locks.

Hair was flowing like thor.

I could move quick like a bunny.

I could really skate, really dig in, and I loved the sound.

I come around the net this one play, we're in camp,

I come around the net and I'm digging in the sweet sound

Of the edge work, that [whooshing]...

Oh, it's musical to me.

I'm stick handling an uncooked egg here,

You know what I mean? I'm really...

Smooth mitts, and I'm admiring my own handiwork.

[laughter]

And I know I'm moving fast 'cause my jersey

Is just rippling like this.

Little hockey hair tickling out the side, tickling.

[laughter]

Well, of course I look up, huh, and there's this man, okay,

Not a boy, huh, 20-something-year-old man,

Skating through the neutral zone straight at me,

Eyes locked on me, and his gloves are already off.

[laughter]

I thought there was something happening;

I looked behind me, I went "whoa..."

"oh, me."

You know, I kind of coasted into him, my gloves came off,

But they sort of shook off.

Terrified, huh?

I'm about to fight this barrel of a man.

Um, he skates into me,

And with a hand the size of a dinner plate, you know...

[laughter]

...He put this bear paw on my chest.

Now, his middle finger touched my collarbone,

The base of his palm touched the top of my belly button.

[laughter]

It was a real big hand.

[laughter]

He raises his fist dramatically as if to show me, like,

"I'm gonna hit you with it."

And I remember getting all peaceful,

Like, grade 3 was great.

[laughter]

He dropped that sledgehammer, my lights went out.

I didn't feel pain. I remember thinking,

"thank you, quick and easy."

I'm into efficiency.

Then I... I see a pinhole of light and I think,

"oh, I'm dead."

I start going towards the light, you know?

And as I got closer and the light got brighter,

I started to feel pain, like a spike going through my ears,

You know, the pain of a broken jaw.

The water filled my eyes,

And the taste of copper in the back of my throat.

Now... My saddest moment in hockey, I woke up,

Wiped the water from my eyes,

And I was still in the fight.

[laughter]

[applause]

[laughter]

So, I learned how to keep my head up, and I--

Some day I'd like to pass all my passion

And love this game onto some kids.

I'd love to have a boy that played hockey.

I'd like that.

You need big sturdy hard pieces.

You need to be durable to play hockey, you know?

My last girlfriend, very slight figured, bird-like.

If I had a boy with her, wonderful,

But if he comes out with her shoulders,

That's house league for him,

And I'm not going to those games.

[laughter]

Waste money on stick tape and gas and double doubles

Every morning to what, to feign interest

In some horrible wrist shot through the glass?

"okay, kevin, you got it off the ice, yeah.

"mom loves ya."

[laughter]

"okay, take my name off your sweater.

"I'm gonna be in the van."

[laughter]

Winnipeg, you're always a treat.

Thank you very much!

Goodnight!

[applause]

Narrator: Get active with erika sigurdson,

When the winnipeg comedy festival returns.

Chris: This performer hails from vancouver,

Home to such triumphant hockey moments...

As nothing!

Please welcome erica sigurdson!

[applause]

Erica: Thank you.

♪

So, I like watching most sports.

I don't know a lot of the rules, but I like watching them.

I have a problem that golf is on tsn.

It's not a sport.

It is so boring.

Has anybody tried to watch the master?

They're probably dead if you did.

Um, like if I had an hour to live,

I would ask them to put golf on tv,

'cause then it would seem like an eternity, right?

[laughter]

[applause]

I think by, like, minute 35 I'd be like,

"unplug me. I'm ready to go."

They don't even have, like, uniforms in golf.

They have a dress code. Ooh, fancy.

Like, uniforms for football--

See, I don't know what's happening,

I watched the super bowl, there was just a lot of guys

In tight pants; I was like, "ooh, are they running?

"are they kicking? Yay, I love this."

Golf, their uniform is slacks

And a polo shirt.

That's the same uniform they wear at best buy.

[laughter]

And there's no cool trophy to win in golf.

Like, if you win the stanley cup,

You're gonna get the stanley cup.

You drink out of it, you take it your hometown,

It's super-exciting.

If you win the masters,

You get a blazer.

[laughter]

"ooh, I won, now I'm a best buy manager."

[laughter]

[applause]

So exciting.

[applause]

I played sports in college.

Anybody who played sports in college,

You know your last game was really emotional.

Like, for me, it was the tryouts.

[laughter]

Yeah, they said, "you're not good.

"please go away."

Now I box, 'cause I try to stay in shape, so I box.

I don't know if anybody-- we don't box each other,

We just hit the bag and then the pad work, um,

But I do one day want them to just blow a whistle

And just yell "fight club,"

And then we just-- you know what I mean?

Like, just go at it,

Because you don't really know if you're good

Until you get to just clock somebody out of nowhere.

And like my boxing club has a deal with, like,

Lululemon head office,

So there's a lot of these yoga girls

That come to boxing in the morning.

I'm there at 6 am because I'm trying to lose some lbs.,

You know what I mean?

Like, trying to shed some pounds.

They show up, they're so-- they're working out in bra tops.

I'm like, "oh..."

[laughter]

"I get it, you're doing the lord's work."

Um...

[laughter]

"go away."

Some of them wear, like, tank tops,

But then they tie a knot in the back,

Just so you can really see their-- I'm like,

"I get it, you're thin!"

And that's the girl that's getting it if they ever yell

"fight club," you know what I mean?

Like... That's the one.

[applause]

She wouldn't know what happened.

[applause]

She's just like, "what's fight club?"

Pow, you're down.

Oh-oh, oh-oh, tank top is secure, do not worry.

[laughter]

Um, the only sport my husband and I do together--

I don't know if there's couples that do sports together, um...

It's not a good idea--

We kayak and we own a tandem kayak;

That's the one with the two seats;

And if you've ever seen a couple in a tandem kayak and thought,

"hmm, wonder what's going on there,"

Let me tell ya,

One person in that boat really likes kayaking.

[laughter]

Yeah.

The other person wanted to buy a vespa.

[laughter]

So, he really wanted to get this kayak.

I was like, "fine, we'll get the kayak,"

And then I'm like, "well, what are we gonna do?

"like, just kayak around english bay?"

And he's like, "no, we're gonna go on a kayak camping trip."

And I was like, "that's two separate things.

"camping is on land." and he's like,

"we put our stuff on the kayak and kayak."

And I was like, "I don't want to be with you anymore."

So, we did it. Like an idiot, I do this.

We put all our stuff in the boat,

We kayak to one of the gulf islands.

Now, first, I've never kayaked before ever.

First day, 6 hours in the boat.

Six-- I know, I was so mad.

Six, I was furious.

He's in the seat behind me.

Hour 3, I...

And the problem is, you--

You want to go with the wind at your back, right,

So he's coaching me non-stop

For 6 hours.

I am yelling things back of a less...

Coaching manner, um,

And he's just non-stop.

You ever learn a new thing with your partner, just so many tips.

[laughter]

We're paddling, he's like, "use your core."

I'm like, "oh, I hate you."

And then he's like, "keep up with my stroke,"

And I'm like, "I can't do it in the bedroom,

"I'm not doing it here."

[laughter]

Just... [applause]

Right?

[applause]

So, we camped for like 4 days,

And it's the best... Um... Best time of my life.

I'm on the ground. I know there's a journey back.

And so we have to kayak back,

And now we get in the kayak late--

It's not important whose fault that was,

But it wasn't mine-- and...

The sun is going down,

And I'm panicking 'cause you don't want to be on the water

When the sun's going.

So we got headlamps on and, like, I'm like,

I'm really nervous right now,

And that's when I had my seabiscuit moment.

Like, jay stepped up

And he was like the coach from rocky, right?

Like, he was like behind me, and he's like,

"do you see that light in the distance?"

And I was like, "uh-huh."

And he said, "that is the last pub open

"on cortes island, and it closes in 45."

My core was going.

I was kicking up fish. I was like, "my weapons!"

You guys have been great, winnipeg.

Thank you very much!

Narrator: After the break,

Sterling scott comes out swinging,

Next on the winnipeg comedy festival.

Chris: This next comedian has the best afro

Of anyone in his hometown of edmonton,

Narrowly beating out 1985 grant fuhr.

[laughter]

Please welcome sterling scott!

[applause]

[applause]

Sterling: Ha-ha! This is great!

Winnipeg, what's up?

[cheering]

I have not been back in this great city in the last 3 years.

This is awesome! I love it, I love it!

But you know what I realize is that sometimes

Stereotypes don't always play out in your favour

And sometimes they do, you know?

Like, for example, I'm a black dude,

And I know a lot of you guys may not be intimidated, but yes,

Some people think I can fight.

I was in johnny g's last night tying one on, and some bro dude,

He bumped me, he hit me hard like this, like, "yeah, yeah."

And I was like, "yo, what's the problem?"

He's like, "yo bro, you want to fight?"

And I was like, "listen...

"this is what's gonna happen next.

"see, I'ma go to my car,

"and all I'm saying is you better not be here

"when I get back!"

[laughter]

And then I went to my car...

And drove home.

I swear, I did; I drove home, drove home, drove home.

I'm not fighting, I'm not fighting.

It's ridiculous.

[laughs] [applause]

You know what I mean?

And of course everyone would talk about sports,

And it's like, ah, all black people

Are automatically good at sports,

And the reality is, we are! We're killing it, people!

We're killing it!

We are the best sports-- basketball, football.

Step the game up, white people!

We killing you! We killing you. [laughs]

And then my friends, they didn't like the fact

That I was doing so well in all of my sports.

I was crushing it when I was in elementary school.

I was one of the best of the 60-pound weight division.

They were like, "hey, sterling, you know what you should do?"

I was like, "what?"

They say, "you should come play hockey."

Yeah, yeah, you evil, evil people.

[laughter]

There's a lot you guys don't know about

When it comes to hockey, okay?

And I was doing this back in the '80s,

So it wasn't like a popular sport back then

For my people, right?

So, first off, we all get together and they're like,

"yeah, you're gonna need some skates."

Now, here's the back story.

My parents are from trinidad and tobago.

That's a place that's never seen snow,

And now I got to convince my mother, who's never seen snow,

I need special shoes to slide on ice.

[laughter]

She was like, "why can't you just go push, push, slide?

"just push, push, slide?"

I'm like, "we can't do that, we can't do that."

I didn't know you guys needed helmets to play hockey!

All the other kids have big black helmets;

I'm out there with a du rag and too much confidence.

[laughter]

I didn't know how to tie skates.

I thought you just, you know,

Do the little bunny rabbit at the top and head out onto ice.

I didn't know you had to start from the bottom

And come all the way up.

I hit the ice, literally.

My ankles collapsed underneath me,

And I'm just doing like the weird dinosaur walk,

My knees trembling.

All the other kids looking at me like, "what's wrong, sterling?"

Like, "nothing, man, I'ma make it.

"I'ma be alright."

'cause all I want to do is get to the board, right?

Just get to the board,

'cause then I can hang out and still be cool.

[laughter]

It was horrible.

And the boys, they smelt blood, yeah.

The number one athlete in the school can't skate,

It's game time, and they started to circle me.

You know what I mean?

They're all skating magnificently towards me...

Right, and then they would skate

Right up to me and go... "ha!"

That's the move, that's the move!

They'd skate, skate, "ha!"

And they would keep spraying the ice in my face.

I was covered head to toe in ice.

It was ridiculous.

I looked like an adult film star

That made a lot of wrong decisions.

[applause]

[laughs]

[applause]

One of my greatest sports stories

Happened when I was in high school.

When I was in high school, I was one of the fastest athletes

In the country in the year 2001, right, a long time ago.

But I'm at a track meet-- now, my real name is sterling scott,

So when I was in high school I used to like to wear

A lot of silver jewellery.

Sterling scott, sterling silver, ha-ha,

I thought it was cute, right?

But now I go to this track meet,

And there's a bunch of kids from a bad neighbourhood,

And they want to rob me.

All right, they see all the jewellery, like,

"we gonna get him."

So now I'm sitting in the stands,

And they do their first trick, okay?

Pay attention,

This is how you know when someone's trying to rob you.

The first move they did was they sent a girl over,

And she was like,

"my friend wants to talk to you, she thinks you're cute."

I was like, "where your friend at?"

And she pointed under the bleachers,

And there was 30 black guys. Now...

White people, if you ever get invited to a place

Where there's 30 black people you don't know, don't go.

That's not racist, that's common sense, all right?

[laughter]

So, I'm like, "I'm not going over there!"

So then they do the next tactic, right?

They send some little guy into the stands, right,

And he was gonna try and start an argument with me,

And then what happened is everybody would jump in,

Jewellery goes missing, you don't know who to blame.

But I saw this happening.

So the minute that they sat down and started talking,

"yo, I heard you was talking about me,"

I picked up my cell phone and I called my brother.

My brother is 5'10", 265, and I was like,

"yo, it looks like somebody is trying to rob me.

"how long before you get here?"

Perfect. Hung up the phone.

Everyone starts panicking.

They're like, "yo, where you from?

"what set you at?" I'm saying nothing,

So now they're getting antsy. They're like, "forget it,

"we making this move," and on cue,

My brother's car pulls up into the parking lot,

And out from the car jumps my mother, ha-ha!

5'3", 135 pounds,

Dragging a shovel.

She stands in the middle of the field,

Stares out to crowd and goes,

"which one of you guys want to fight my son?"

[laughter]

I have seen a guy get shot and pull the bullet out,

That was the second most gangster thing I had ever seen.

[laughter]

I was like, "mommy"-- I don't care, I still say mommy--

"mommy! I'm right here!"

She's like, "good, let's go," and we just decided to leave,

But she exits in the same area where those 30 guys were before,

And as we're walking by,

One of them taps me on the shoulder and he goes,

"yo, you got lucky."

But my mom heard him,

And my mom turned around,

With the shovel still in her hand,

Pointing it at this guy's face, she goes,

"yo, let me tell you something!

"this is what's gonna happen next.

"see, I'ma go to my car,

"and all I'm saying is you better not be here

"when I get back!"

'cause I had to learn that from somebody.

My name is sterling scott. I'm out of here!

Narrator: When we return,

A slam-dunk from simon rakoff!

♪

T comedian began his career in 1978,

Canada only had 3 nhl teams.

Today there are 7. Coincidence?

Very much so.

Please welcome simon rakoff!

[applause]

[applause]

Simon: Thank you so much!

It's great to be back in winnipeg,

And it makes sense that I should be on this gala,

Since I live in canada's only real sports city:

Toronto.

[boos]

Hey, hey, I don't know why so much of canada hates toronto.

We don't think about you at all.

[laughter]

But it's crazy, everywhere I go across the country,

People yell at me, "leafs suck!"

You know, I get on stage, "leafs suck,"

'cause it's my fault, you know, yeah.

I don't know why the coach gives me so many shifts.

[laughter]

Truth is, I don't know anything about the leafs.

I mean, apparently they suck,

But I've never actually seen them play.

I don't follow hockey.

I don't hate sports;

I just don't care about sports.

And it's not because I'm jealous 'cause they're young and fit,

And I'm short and old and fat and slow.

They have abs, and I just have the one ab.

[laughter]

Sports are fun, they're just not important, you know?

It's just another entertainment, but it's treated so seriously.

You know, athletes pray to god before a game.

I'm sure god is thinking,

"sorry, starving and diseased kids,

"I have to help lamar make this pass."

[laughter]

People say, "well, sports are healthy."

Really?

I don't think so. Who are the fittest athletes?

Triathletes maybe.

You know, they call them "iron men."

I'm in lousy shape,

But if I went to the finish line of a triathlon,

I guarantee I could kick every one of their asses

Right after they come in.

[laughter]

Not so fit now, are ya?

Yeah, I spent the day on the couch eating pizza

And I'm taking on all of ya!

I don't think kids should look up to athletes the way they do.

You see these little guys in their raptors jersey,

With the name of their favourite player on the back.

I like to go up to them and say, "you look so much taller on tv."

[laughter]

People who go to the olympics give up their youth for it.

Everyone else is going out and having fun.

Meanwhile those athletes are just working on being

World-class divers or whatever, you know?

Friends call them, "hey, we're at the bar, come on down,

"there's girls here." "no, sorry, I have to dive.

"I'm diving."

It's not a well-rounded person, you know?

And for what? There's only 3 winners

Out of all the competitors in the world at the olympics.

You ever see the end of an olympic race?

Gold, silver, bronze, loser.

[laughter]

.003 hundredths of a second separate the glorious champion

From the piece of crap loser.

I mean, I'm sure the fourth guy is thinking,

"wow, I probably should have had those beers and gotten laid."

[laughter]

Meanwhile everyone else he knows

Has spent their time becoming doctors and other productive

Members of society.

He's an athlete, you can only play till you're about 25, 30.

It's not like if the athletic skills are transferable

To a real job either.

I mean, after the olympics, what are you?

You're a 20-year-old with one useless ability.

I mean, I suppose discus throwers could, you know,

Deliver pizza.

[laughter]

Curlers could work as super-speedy custodians.

Wow, they swept the entire school in 8 minutes!

[laughter]

Pole vaulters could help clients in mexico.

Could be an immigration consultant

When trump's wall goes up, yeah.

[applause]

[applause]

And even if you're a winner, what do you get?

A medal.

I mean, what good is it? You can't wear it, really.

I mean, nobody's going out wearing a medal,

Unless it's some knob who picked it up on ebay, you know?

[laughter]

"oh, yeah, my olympic medal.

"I forgot I put that on before I came out.

[laughter]

"I won at salt lake, uh... Placid... In, uh...

"hurdles."

[laughter]

The whole olympic credo is "higher, stronger, faster!"

But it's not really fair because it's only open to humans.

I mean, think about it, if we let other species

Into the olympics, we wouldn't win one medal.

Long jump, the kangaroo, oh my god!

[laughter]

Weightlifting, the elephant.

Wrestling, the gorilla.

Didn't even train, killed our best guy.

[laughter]

That's the podium: Gorilla, two dead guys, oh!

[laughter]

I don't hate sports, but I love the arts.

All the best lessons of sports, none of the bad ones.

Sports fans talk about the importance of team work

And cooperation.

Well, you get that in a band too,

And you can still be in a band after 30,

And there's no rules about no sex before a concert...

[laughter]

Or even during sometimes, really.

Sports isn't about cooperation,

It's about competition and dominance.

That's not a good lesson.

The real world isn't divided into winners and losers.

There's room for everybody.

The arts aren't competitive.

If they were, the beatles would be the only band.

The stones would have to sit in the locker room and cry,

Apologize for their fans, "sorry, we came in second."

[laughter]

I don't hate sports,

I just think they need to be put into perspective.

I'll tell you who really hates sports,

People who love sports.

Seriously, do you ever see them watching?

"you dumb son of a bitch, how could you miss that?

"it was right down the middle!

"are you kidding me?!

"give me $12 million, I'll strike out!

"I hope you die!"

[laughter]

You see them watching; "what are you doing?"

"I'm watching my favourite thing, leave me alone!"

"okay, well, you enjoy that, then."

And I've really enjoyed you, folks.

Really a treat.

Goodnight, and thanks for listening.

Narrator: Still to come,

Dave hemstad puts the puck in the net,

When the winnipeg comedy festival returns.

Chris: This performer boasts the physique of an nhl superstar

Who retired years ago to pursue a career in comedy.

You gotta think about that one for a second.

Give it up for dave hemstad!

[applause]

[applause]

♪

Dave: Thank you. Thank you very much.

What fun.

Sports are the best way to stay in shape.

I used to be a great athlete.

This is all leftovers.

I was in amazing shape.

I used to be able to put my socks on standing up.

[laughter]

Now I can't always finish a sock.

That's a sad start to the day.

You ever get halfway through a sock,

And realize you didn't bring enough breath down with ya?

[laughter]

[applause]

You run into more trouble around the toes than you anticipated

When you set out on your mission.

So, down there too long and you run out of oxygen,

You have to surface to [gasps] okay, okay.

Wasn't ready for all that, come on.

Even worse is trying to tie my skates,

'cause you have to thread the eyelets, right,

And I can't see 'em.

But if I get 'em out to where I can see 'em,

Then I can't reach 'em.

[laughter]

Then I'm sitting there realizing there's a good chance

I'm not gonna get to play hockey today

'cause... 'cause there's no way,

There's just no way

That I'm asking another man...

[laughter]

...To tie my skates for me.

That's...

[applause]

That's...

Yeah, that's... [chuckles]

That's my body telling me it's time to stop

Playing hockey, I guess.

Sooner or later we all have to stop playing sports.

You know, for most of us, it's sooner.

And I'll miss playing hockey, I will.

I got into hockey since I was a kid, you know?

I got into it for the same reason all canadian kids

Start playing hockey:

I wanted my dad to love me.

[laughter]

[applause]

[applause]

I don't know how else you're supposed to pull that off.

I don't know.

I mean, what are you gonna do, play piano?

You know how good you have to be at the piano

For your dad to love you?

You have to be amazing at the piano

For your dad to love you,

And he's not coming to practices.

[laughter]

If you have a 6 am hockey practice,

Your dad is up at 5, he drives you to the rink,

And then tim hortons makes a commercial about him.

[laughter]

Now, if you have a 6 am piano practice...

[laughter]

...You're riding your bike in the dark.

[laughter]

[applause]

Now, now if you have two dads,

Odds are...

One of them loves piano.

[laughter]

[laughter]

But if you only have one dad,

You better get out there and work on your shot...

'cause you're one fluky goal away from a hair tussle

And some ice cream.

[laughter]

Anyway, and I still play sports

'cause my dad's still alive,

So...

[applause]

So... [applause]

So...

He invited me to a father-son squash tournament

Over the holidays last winter.

Squash is tennis but played in a box,

If you don't know the sport, I mean,

So, um, the thing is he misled me a little bit.

It wasn't a father-son tournament,

It was a parent-child

Squash tournament.

So our first round match

Is against a woman my age

And her 12-year-old daughter.

[laughter]

Like, what are we doing?

What are we doing? This is stupid.

What are we doing?

And my dad's a prairie boy,

You know, a real mike babcock type,

You know, just tough, so he doesn't fall for any--

He's like, "never mind who you're playing.

"let's go, focus."

[laughter]

[applause]

And I...

So first of all, I'm hungover.

[laughter]

Second of all, I don't care about this as much as you do.

This is a little girl.

I don't really want to teach this little girl a lesson

On the squash court today. And he goes,

"yeah, your opponent's a little girl this time;

"next time it won't be, so let's go, focus.

"do the job you're here to do."

So, I start runnin', you know?

And, um, this poor girl, right?

I'm sweatin' vodka...

[laughter]

She's gotta run around in my alcoholic jet wash

The whole time, so...

[laughter]

I know it was bugging her, 'cause I heard her talking

To her mom in between points, and she's like,

"he smells like first daddy's medicine."

[laughter]

[applause]

Anyway, we won.

[laughter]

So, we advance to the next round,

And now we gotta play some 90-year-old guy

And his 70-year-old kid,

And, uh, they were great.

They were so good.

They'd been playing, they knew the angles on shots,

I was runnin' like crazy chasing the ball, and we're losing,

And my dad's getting steamed at me, you know,

"you should be embarrassed losing to these guys, right."

I'm like, "yeah, but they're good."

He's like, "you got to find another level of compete."

[laughter]

What was I supposed to do? I didn't know.

Am I gonna let my dad down,

Or suddenly get better at this game?

I don't know what to do.

So I played a shot in front of me and I felt this old guy

Trying to get around me, so I just left

A hip out on him a little bit and boop-she-boop-she-boo!

[laughter]

I don't know if you've ever seen old people fall,

But they suck at it.

They're so bad, they're so bad at falling 'cause their muscles

Don't fire fast enough to protect themselves

On the way down anymore,

So it's just all elbows and knees,

It's all elbows and knees when they hit,

And they don't even bleed, just a little red cloud of dust

Comes out from where they hit,

Just red dust, red dust, red dust.

[applause]

And then... There's no liquid left in 'em,

That's why they snap a hip every time they go down,

It's just a cell, and then, and then he disappeared,

He was just gone, a cloud, just a shirt and some shorts.

I was poking it with the racquet,

And he was just gone.

So, we won. And, uh....

[laughter]

[applause]

And, uh...

And later we were talking over ice cream...

[laughter]

And I say, "you know...

"I'm thinking of taking up the piano."

Thanks very much, winnipeg.

It's always a treat to play this festival.

Thank you! Cheers!

[applause]

[applause]

[applause]

Chris: Was that great?

Did you guys have a good time tonight?

[cheering & applause]

Chris: Well, guys, that's our show.

I hope you had a great time.

And please remember that just like in pro wrestling,

The important thing about tonight isn't who won or lost,

It's that I got paid a shit load of money.

[applause]

Goodnight!

[applause]