Original subtitles

The host will let you in soon.

Okay.

Oh, what's going on here?

Samantha and I have a Zoom meeting.

Our editor is giving us feedback.

Sorry for the industry jargon.

I'm in publishing now.

Hello?

Hi, Sharon.

Good to see you.

Oh, it's on camera.

I just assumed it was an audio call given Samantha's choice of blows.

All right.

Let's talk about the other founding father, the Isaac Higgin Toot story.

I read the manuscript.

That means book.

And I have to tell you I didn't like it.

Oh, this is your fault, Samantha.

I loved it.

I did it.

Me.

That's amazing.

I'm so excited.

Not as excited as I am.

I can tell you this now.

I had to fight for this one.

We usually do trash-age log, like vampire novels.

Dreadful.

And betreads for Horned-Up Housewives.

I'm listening.

But this... this is a real book.

In fact, I got several interested nods from David Remnick.

I did dinner party at Belts our last night.

These fancy pants in New Yorkers give me a twice big to tell.

Tony Romas, and I'm a happy puppy.

So, what are the next steps?

Oh, well, we're looking at a spring launch.

Probably do a little book tour, maybe some morning TV.

Oh, my God.

You're gonna need hoda.

But in the meantime, we'll need to have one of our people verify your primary sources.

But I'm your primary source.

I was sort of hoping that the copious notes I took would suffice.

The actual primary source documents are incredibly old.

I wouldn't want to risk sending them.

Don't worry.

We'll come to you.

Our authenticator is a pro.

He will handle them with care.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a zoom about

an erotic vampire novel called Bitman's Mitten.

What about appliance erotic?

Is that a genre?

Could that be a genre?

They shouldn't need verification.

Everything I told you was true.

Yeah, it's shocking that they won't take a ghost's word for it.

The Maytag Chronicles.

Right, it's itself.

What's Jay doing a land ship?

Shame eating sonic.

Oh, he has a whole system.

He eats in his car.

So Sam doesn't see.

Then three pumps of spray to mask the onion rings, then he gets out,

leaving the windows open, of course, to air out the menu.

But about the bag, she's gonna see the bag.

Oh, don't worry about the bag.

He puts it in the outside trash bin.

But not on top.

Like the true sociopath he is, he lifts the top layer of garbage,

tucking said sonic bunnies.

All for not because we won't tell Sam he had fast food.

Damn it.

You got a lot of the effort.

Jay, look out.

What?

He's about to step on that poor little snake.

Oh, ow!

It looks totally fine.

But his foot went right through it.

Oh my god, Thor can touch it.

Does that mean that that's... Yes, go slow.

What are we going to do?

They're going to pull the plug on the book.

I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the publishing world.

Hey, man, just getting back from the gym.

I work the traps and the lats and the tots and the onion rings.

I love this guy.

But who does he think he's kidding?

Jay, we have a big problem.

The publisher wants to see our primary source

documents and is sending someone here to verify them.

But your primary source is a ghost.

Chinese accurately diagnosed the problem.

Wait a minute.

There might be a solution.

It's a long shot.

But when I was alive, I kept a diary.

I know exactly where I bought it.

This is incredible.

But there's no guarantees still there.

And even if it is, it could have degraded by now.

But there's a chance.

If I had listened to that kind of naysaying, I

never would have successfully surrendered that fort.

No more led the brave for treated bunker hill.

This guy was unrivaled when I came to running away.

Thank you, says.

I success.

It's at Fort Ticonderoga.

I used to go there with my pinecone troop.

Oh, the cobblestone can be uneven.

It's a little dangerous.

Although not as dangerous as some of our other field trips.

Fort Ticonderoga is only like three hours away, babe.

Let's go get that diary.

I'll come.

Pete's in two.

I'll drive.

Shotgun shotgun.

Sorry, Pete called it first.

Well, I was joking.

He's a ghost.

Sam, go sit in the back.

Whoa.

Oh, okay.

Oh, a ghost animal.

It's been a while since we've had one of those around here.

I didn't even know there was a thing.

Very rare.

Most animals go right up because hot so pure.

He must be one bad snail.

What did you do, little guy?

I shall call you?

The Escargost.

Oh, I get it because he's a ghost and he was by the car.

He's so cute.

I think I'm going to keep him as a pet.

Why would it be your pet?

Maybe I wanted to be my pet.

And let's not bring up the whole my son killing you thing again.

It's getting played out.

What if we all took turns with a snail?

Let me and the other group east did with David Crosby

who wasn't a pet, but he had a lot of back here.

Count me out.

I don't want him.

I honestly don't get the whole pet thing.

Pet is animal that live in your house until one day you eat.

Like Baldur, my loyal and delicious goat.

How many animal friends that this got eat?

No, I understand what a pet is.

I'm just not interested in having one.

It's done.

Wasn't your obituary photo of you and your dog?

That was my parents' dog and honestly I wasn't that in him.

You have to walk them and pick up their crap.

That was also the downside to David Crosby.

Okay, fine.

Let's just go with flowers, share the snail plan.

Yes, very fair.

We all get turned and thought promised not to eat it.

Even though snail looked delicious and all not eat food in a thousand years.

See, is that second part?

It's just not as reassuring as maybe you're intending?

But I say not eat even though thought won't do.

Mm-hmm, that second part.

The name Taikon Noroga was derived from an Iroquois word,

meaning between two waters or where the waters meet.

Just saying old concept of shotgun is sort of dependent

on the fact that everyone can hear each other.

You'll get it on the way back, stop complaining.

If he calls it first when we're headed to the car, the rules are very simple.

Now, if you'll all follow me, I'll show you a

revolutionary arytello candle that still has a wick in it.

Let's go.

Hang back.

But the wick.

Jay, we need to find the northeast gate.

Isaac says he hid his diary under a loose stone three paces from the end of the wall.

I feel like I'm a national treasure.

I freaking love this.

Oh, here's a ghost.

I got this.

Hey, I'm Sam.

Yes, I can see you.

I fell down to fly to stairs two weeks in a coma.

Walk up with the ability to see ghosts.

Sam, I can see this guy.

Hi.

Hey.

Oh, I think he's a reenactor.

You see the Nike's dead giveaway.

We're looking for the northeast gate.

It's right over there.

And he's got an energy drink.

That's another clue.

So here's the end of the wall.

Okay, one, two, three.

It should be right here.

Unless Isaac's got really tiny steps.

How tall is he?

I don't really know him.

Try to find the loose stone.

Hurry up.

The next door is gonna be by any second.

I think I found it.

Honestly, I was hoping it would be a little bit harder, like a puzzle to solve.

Oh, my God.

We found it.

Okay, let's go.

Check out shotgun.

Sorry, Jay.

Oh, come on.

This is ridiculous.

Say it faster next time, you snooze your loose.

Uh, Jay, we have a problem.

There is absolutely nothing useful in this diary.

What?

That can't be true.

Jay.

Monday, April 4th, 1775.

I had something called a sandwich today.

Apparently, they're all the rage back in England.

Don't think they're gonna catch on here.

Okay, not prescient, but no one can say Isaac

Haken II was afraid of taking a bold stabs.

The next entry is four weeks later.

The sandwich is not growing on me.

Huh, so nothing about the war or the birth of the nation?

I swear, I wrote something about George Washington.

Oh, you did.

I saw Washington eating a sandwich today.

He seemed to enjoy it.

This is all sandwich talking, mutton pie recipes.

Where's the stuff in the book?

Isaac, where's all the stuff you told me?

This is crazy.

I thought I wrote it all down.

How do you not like a sandy?

Did you try turkey or roast beef?

Ooh, don't say roast beef and run a sass.

There's girlfriend left in the smell Arby's.

Thank you for rallying to my defense.

You know, it's possible I was trying to limit

the revolution, talk in case the British one.

You just don't want to leave a paper trail.

We literally need a paper trail.

That was the whole point of us going to get up this diary.

What's in here won't help us at all.

Yeah.

Ooh, Jay's got something up.

We have a 250-year-old diary with mostly blank spaces.

What if we just fill in the blanks?

You mean forage the diary?

That doesn't seem ethical.

What ethical?

We got the real guy here.

I mean, maybe he's here based on what you've told me and what I've chosen to believe.

Jay's right.

It's all stuff that happened to me and it will be my words.

Well, to be honest about being dishonest, hold for laughs.

I think it's a good plan.

I mean, the diary itself is already old and that would be the hardest part to fake.

Okay, but who's going to do all the old time at hand, right?

Oh, Jay's actually really good at calligraphy.

He took a class to do our wedding invites.

Thanks, babe.

Anything for you.

Jay's a wife guy.

I was a wife guy, but my wife was a Jerry gal.

So what do you think, babe?

Are we going to rewrite history?

It looks that way.

To the angle.

Oh, sorry.

We have fun.

Thorfinn hurry up.

It's my turn with the snail.

Okay, everyone, stay calm, but for my diva lost.

Escargost.

So did you read the escargost?

No, you must believe me.

Don't not eat delicious looking snail.

It's just not as persuasive as you want it to be.

Thor, I don't think I can be with someone who would

do something like this to one of God's creatures.

I mean, the man's probably murdered thousands of people.

Snail is where you draw the line.

Exactly.

Well, let's have Trevor.

Flour, please.

Let's show his heindole.

God's the bifrost.

Thor.

Not do this.

I'm buying it.

This is low, even for you.

That snail was our panther.

And you're talking to me, baby.

I want to get him wrong.

I took him.

I took the escargost.

What?

You did.

He's right here.

But why did you take him?

Well, Thor was talking about eating him, and

I didn't want the little guy to get hurt.

Look at that little plenum.

You just said you're doing even like animals.

I was lying.

What kind of a person doesn't like animals?

Frickin' love them.

Then, why did you lie?

It doesn't matter.

What matters is I'm not letting anything happen to this little guy.

And the fact that none of you knew where he was for

the past hour just proves that he's better off with me.

This is exactly what happened with David Crosby.

Marla got super possessive and then suddenly the

rest of us were fighting for Stephen still scraps.

He was dark, man.

All right, guys, this might be all night our Sharon

said the authenticator will be here in the morning.

The authenticator sounds like a WWF wrestler.

Live from Madison Square Garden.

It's Macho Man Randy Savage versus the authenticator.

It's just very loud.

Okay.

What am I writing?

Okay, let's start with Lexington and Concord.

We have a whole chapter about that in the book.

April 1975.

Okay, have him write this.

As I survey the battlefield, I am aware the smell of

gunpowder and the moans of agony for my fallen comrades.

Okay, as I survey the battlefield, I am aware of the smell of gunpowder.

And the moans of agony of my fallen comrades.

Let's go.

The authenticator will be here soon.

To verify your ass.

Maybe this is why your wife is a Jerry gal.

Jay, why have you only written like two words?

calligraphy is hard.

This is why Penelope Adelman half-nagle didn't make the cut for our wedding.

Oh, what's going on up here?

We're forging Isaac Stairi from the Revolutionary War.

Oh, that sounds even more interesting than watching the water heater.

I'm in.

Now get this down.

The British had us surrounded on both sides like two slices of red coat bread on

a rebel sandwich and we're back on sandwiches.

And as I lay there dying, the profound thought occurs to me.

Perhaps I should have washed my hands.

Relatable.

Relatable.

Hey, Sharon.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I just got to the house.

Call your one's eye test to hit your two materials.

Hello?

Nicely done, Jay.

This guy's good.

That looks amazing.

I can't believe we did it.

Did what?

Jeez, how many times do you people need this repeated?

We forged Isaac's diary because the original was useless

and there's an authenticator on his way here right now.

But this looks legit.

I bet we get away with it.

Why are you telling me this?

Ah, Sam.

You don't look familiar.

Do they hide you behind the water tank or something?

He's no one of us.

He's a living.

Yeah, he's got shoes.

It might be nice.

Sharon sent me.

I'm the authenticator.

The authenticator from the top rope!

Sorry, it's a bad situation.

Humor's how I deal with things.

Oh, my trip.

What's going on?

Just giving him some time in the shaft of light.

Then we're watching the cutting edge.

Shelley loves a rom-com.

You obviously have a deep connection to animals.

So what was this all about?

Why are you writing so weird?

At first, I didn't want to get close to the snail.

I didn't want to bond with him.

Because I didn't want to let him down.

I didn't want to let him down like I did, bucky.

Bucky?

You know that dog?

The one from my obituary photo.

Well, he wasn't my parents dog.

He was my dog.

And he was my best friend.

Not much of a competition.

I mean, your other friends dumped a party in a living book.

Go along.

Every day, when I would get home from work, bucky

would be right there at the door waiting for me.

He would jump up on me and I would tell him he was a good boy.

But then one day, the day I died.

I never came home.

I just feel so guilty.

He was never anything, but loyal to me and I let him down.

It's not like you went on vacation, Trevor.

You died.

And that's not your fault.

Diane's not any of our fault.

In my case, it was heady's son's fault.

There it is.

She worked it in.

You're not coming home that night.

That was one time in a lifetime of you being there for him.

Thanks, guys.

More bucky.

I so wish I could just tell him that he was a good boy one last time.

Try to remember all the good times you two had because I'll tell you this.

That's what bucky remembers or remembered.

He's doubtlessly worm food by now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No.

Your dog is 35 years old.

My bad.

Sharon, I don't know what to say.

What were you thinking?

I put myself on the line for you.

My boss is going to be furious.

The truth is, I had a real primary source, but there

was a flood in the basement and it got destroyed.

The ease with which the lies just fly out of her mouth.

Whatever.

We can't publish a nonfiction book without sources.

I'm sorry.

The book is dead.

And with it, my legacy.

Isn't there anything we can do?

You liked the book, Sharon.

Could we repackage it as historical fiction?

You said you guys mostly do fiction anyway.

This is not the kind of fiction that we do.

Our audience needs something juicy.

They can sink their teeth into.

And that gives me an idea.

The storyteller to the rescue.

The storyteller body slamming the illiteracy.

That was my best one.

And that was the cutting edge.

Pretty good, huh?

Hey, listen, I was carrying around that stuff for a long time.

Thank you for helping me face it head on.

Maybe I can't say it's a bucky, but I could say it to you.

You're a good boy.

Oh, my God.

All right, it's happening.

Uh, guys, uh, get in here.

Quick.

The show.

Trevor's getting sucked.

Oh, I think I am.

Last one in.

First one out.

Boom, two money.

What about Carol?

I think you just talked to me about Maynate.

I'm going to miss you all.

What's happening to me right now?

I want this for every single one of you.

Shouldn't Trevor be mid-air by now?

Look, the snail is floating.

Oh, damn it.

He's moving so slimly.

Sorry, Trevor.

This sucks.

Hey, Isaac.

Uh, we just got off the phone with the publisher.

I heard.

The book is dead.

Well, it might be undead.

What do you mean?

What she means is they want to tell your story, provided your story involves you

being a vampire.

I'm sorry.

Look, here's the deal.

Because we lack the proper primary sources, the only way they're going to

publish this book is if it has some sort of YA twist.

So I'm a vampire?

My idea.

You're welcome.

But everything else is the same.

Mostly, some small tweaks.

Like, the reason for the Revolutionary War wasn't taxes and representation.

It was that there was too much garlic around.

What?

Vampires don't like garlic.

No, I know that.

It's just isn't my story.

You'd still be there doing all the same things.

You'd still be outside the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

You might have to adjust that because of Isaac's vulnerability to sunlight.

I don't want to be a vampire.

I don't blame you.

They suck.

Sam, can you tell Jay I said that, but include

Isaac's setup, otherwise it won't make sense.

Does he love it?

He's processing.

Look, Isaac, the cool thing about fantasy is it's a digestible way to tell really

complex stories.

The Empire's hide in the shadows.

Because they're afraid of what people will think of them.

Well, I suppose I can relate to that.

Plus, a book about a delegate to the Second

Continental Congress is anyone going to read that?

But a book about a delegate to the Second Continental

Congress who can turn into a bat and terrorize the Freemasons?

No.

Because it wouldn't let me into their club.

I don't like that.

Could I also drain the blood from Alexander Hamilton while he begs for mercy?

We hear the ones fighting it.

And this is the only way they're going to publish it?

Yes.

Let's give it a try.

Let's educate the masses in the only way they can tolerate.

He's in, Jay.

It's all systems go on colonial vampire Isaac Higgintooth.

Sorry.

Did you say Isaac Higgintooth?

It's a working title.

Well, I don't like it.

I love it.

I didn't share it in a song.

Hey, buddy.

Sorry.

This is taking you a very long time.

I gotta head out.

But you got this.