Original subtitles

WHERE ARE YOU GOING ON VACATION?

I'M ALL YOURS

Luisa! What are you doing?

Come on... get up! Put some clothes on!

It's late! We're leaving soon.

- Where are you going? - Where am I going?!

What do you mean, where am I going? Where are WE going!

- I'm not going! - You're not going?

Have you gone mad?

- What will I do without you? - You'll find someone else!

Someone else? How will I find someone else?

Come on ... your clothes. We need to get to the boat!

And who is this?

My wife!

Or rather, she was.

- What's her name? - Giuliana.

- And why did you break up? - Why do you ask so many questions. Go!

Hurry up! Move!

Thank you, but I'm not going! First, I get seasick.

And second, I don't like fixing cocktails.

- My ass is mine. Goodbye! - And I paid you well for it!

- Finally! - That old dentist was a drag! Let's go!

- Hello? - Is that you, Giuliana?

Yes. Who is this?

A relative you haven't seen in a long time.

- Why, Enrico, it's you! - You recognized me. Brava!

I've thought about calling you many times.

- I was always on the verge of doing so. - You know, I'd really like to see you...

- Are you serious? - To stay together for a few days.

Even in bed?

Yes... yes.

That sounds like a wonderful vacation.

- So, come on over. - Unfortunately I can't come right away.

- Would five minutes be okay? - Okay... I'll wait.

I wonder how you'll be? No, don't tell me!

It's best you surprise me!

Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao!

- Chicco! - Giuliana!

- What a pleasure! - How are you? - What kept you?

Sorry I'm late. I told you five minutes, but it's been six.

You look great!

- Thank you! How beautiful! - Do you like them?

- I'm so glad to see you. - I feel the same.

You know it's a pleasure to see one's wife ...

... when you're no longer married.

- Come in. - Thank you.

Very nice! Lovely! But how can you afford this villa?

It's not mine, it's Armando's! He's a dear friend who wants to sell it.

As a favor, he asked if I'd watch the place for him.

He must be pretty important from the looks of the place.

- Are you coming? - Yes.

- And so I've made a nice vacation of it! Do you understand? - Got it.

And who is this Armando? A relative of yours?

- No, he was my lover. - Ah.

You don't mind my asking?

- But we broke up six months ago. - That's good!

There are four bedrooms. You pick the one you want.

- This one! - It's mine! - Exactly!

Giuliana! Have you forgotten that once my place was here with you?

Yes, it's true! I'd forgotten.

Forget it. Come here!

- What do you want? - To make love.

Ah, you're so... Not even a little playing around. Real cute!

I didn't think you cared for a lot of foreplay.

You're sure of that?

- We need to be thinking about lunch. - Anything but a restaurant!

- I can cook something for you! - No, let's go to the restaurant!

You must be hungry. It's already 2:30!

- What are you doing now? - What kind of work am I doing?

- You're no longer a decorator? - Since then I've had five jobs!

- Have a drink? - Thank you, yes.

- I'll have a Cinzano. - Me too. - With ice.

There was the the library in Parma, then the art gallery in Verona ...

... then advertising in Milan. Now I'm working as a journalist.

- In Milan? - No, in Rome.

It's a feminist's magazine.

It's called "The Difference".

So, a toast to "The Difference"!

And you?

Let's get a table.

Me? Well...

It's so boring, dreary ...

...but I'm still working as a dentist.

I've lived in the same city for 20 years and have no ambition.

Well, it's not all that serious!

- Yes? - Today you're a man ready for change.

I'm a woman who must make up for lost time!

- We were both a bit stupid. - You know the old saying:

None are whores, none are virgins.

In the end, all are just women!

I guess you've had a lot of experience.

Yes...

Many men. Some young, some not.

- And which did you like best? - The young ones.

- Now I'm more mature. - Well, they say that young people are a bit crazy...

Isn't that so?

- Go on... - With them I've never had to... I don't know.

They never have to ask: "Was that good for you?"

You explain it so well ...

Phew! The sense of guilt!

Yet, there is a good side to marriage ...

Something... that I no longer enjoy. - Which is...?

- The pleasure of cheating! - You haven't changed.

But what about you? You are wiser, more womenly...

...more liberated.

Not to get sentimental, but you're even more sexy.

At least the sex will not have changed, Guiliana!

- In a way... - Huh?

- In what way? How? - In that I've had some experience.

Sure, you're more emancipated...

...more experienced, more mature, a feminist!

I guess I've had a lot of experience, too.

We've been separated for twelve years!

- How many lovers have you had? 10, 12? - Not that many.

But each was special in their own way.

You know...

Once... I made love with a woman.

- Have you ever made love to a man? - Are you crazy?

How was it?

It was exciting, like...

like... misbehaving at school.

It's been a long time since I felt like that. It was just something I wanted to do.

I could stop being a dentist...

... but the idea of doing it with a man makes me sick.

But for me it was something to try!

What you looking at?

Your tits!

- Look there. Who is that? - I don't know.

Hi, Giuliana!

Oh... it's Thomas! The son of Armando, the owner.

- I told you about him, didn't I? - He sent him as a gift?

- Hi! - Tommy!

- Why are you here? - I'm hitchhiking to Paris with some friends.

I was passing by here and thought I'd say hi and spend the night!

- Great! - What a great idea!

Enrico. Enrico... Tommaso.

- My pleasure! - You look wonderful! Come in.

I'm really glad that this ugly monkey showed up!

Really?

- Now that you're here, stay a few days! - With any luck!

Come on!

Come on, I'll help you! Come into the house...

So, you're hitchhiking to Paris.

It is a long journey, eh?

If I were you, I'd leave right away.

We men must look out for one another. I'll make you a nice gift ...

and ... you'll do me a big favor! Tell Giuliana that you're leaving this afternoon.

Okay?

If that's what you want...

Giuliana, I've changed my mind. I've decided to continue the journey.

Paris is a long way to go, and it's better not to waste time.

But what's the hurry? We're here by ourselves ...

and ... we'd enjoy a little company, right?

- Of course! What's the hurry? - So, can I stay?

You can stay if you want, or you can leave. Do what you want!

I'm glad you understand. I'll make the room!

Hold the bag! Hold the bag!

With 100,000 lire in hand, you've got to think on your feet!

When I tell you to stay, I mean you have to leave. Got it?

- It seemed to me that she wanted ... - There are wants and then there are wishes!

It was just a formality!

Send away the son of the landlord? She'd look stupid!

Everything is ready! Are you coming, Thomas?

No, I'm sorry, but I really must go.

But why? We haven't seen each other for such a long time! Now we can visit!

But of course! What can you do? She's prepared your room!

So, can I stay?

- Of course you can stay. - Now I can rest!

Oh... finally! I'll put your backpack away!

- It's lucky that I came by here! - What a nice boy!

Yes, although a bit expensive!

And especially quick witted!

Look, Giuliana. Later, when the baby falls asleep...

... you'll come to my bed, eh?

- No! - In yours, then?

No, Enrico!

Thomas is a sensitive boy.

He suffered a lot when his father and I separated.

I would hate to hurt him. He wouldn't understand.

Don't worry.

He really wouldn't understand. Believe me.

Try to think about me, not just about him!

I'm not going to do it tonight because I'm tired ...

... and you'll do me a favor by not sneaking in.

He's leaving tomorrow and we'll have the rest of the time to ourselves. Is that okay?

- Tomorrow? - Yes! - Alright... tomorrow!

- But not tonight? - No.

- Lift your leg! - Wait!

I put you guys in two bedrooms with sleeping bags ...

... because there wasn't any other place!

Can you tell me... - Oh, hi!

... who they are?

They're Thomas' friends.

So instead of leaving, he brings his friends here?

That's not it, Enrico! Tommy was waiting for them and now that they're here ...

... they'll go on together to Paris.

- So when are they leaving? - I asked them to stay, but they want to go.

You insisted?

- Ow, my ankle! - It's not my fault!

Giuliana, I'm hurt!

Where? What have you done?

I dislocated my ankle! I'll be forced to stay two or three days.

And what will her friends do? Leave her here alone? Heaven forbid!

You'll see... they'll call someone else!

- Giuliana, we arrived! - We're here!

Oh! What a nice surprise!

- How are you? - Darling! - Hello!

- Weren't you the owner's companion? - I can't believe that's the man.

Ciao! Ciao, Elisa!

Ciao! Come in! Come in!

We couldn't have found a place like this if we paid for it with gold!

We're coming! We're coming!

- We're leaving tomorrow. - What?

Why so soon?

I can't believe you're going tomorrow! You'd leave me here alone?

We just needed a place to eat and sleep!

What did I tell you? Giuliana would have no problem with this!

Sit where you want! Find someplace to park!

There you are, Enrico. Come on, I'll introduce you to my colleagues from work!

So, this is Enrico, my first and last husband.

He came to spend his holiday here with me!

Meet my colleagues. Antonietta, news and current affairs ...

... she gives me strength. Fulvio, our handsome photographer ...

Elisa ... the scourge of all mothers ...

Virginia ... who does the online surveys ...

"Disarm the penis!"

Silence! Time to eat! Your lunch is served!

God help us...

Sorry, but I have a stomach ache. I'm going to the pharmacy.

I just couldn't eat. You'll excuse me...

(What happened? She was hot to go to bed and now I find myself eating alone!)

(First Thomas, then his friends, then her journalist friends ... )

(... and then friends of those friends. As for me?)

(What delicious spaghetti!)

(Ah, what the hell!)

What's this?

Good morning.

Good morning.

There was a fly on your butt.

Tino?

Yes, he's in the first room.

- Here you go! - Thank you.

Diana, you're wanted on the phone!

- Hi, Enrico! Would you like some iced tea? - Thank you.

- Have you seen any new arrivals? - Unfortunately, no.

I was beginning to worry that we risked being alone.

- And this one? - She has a call on the phone.

- Ah, well, then ... - Hello?

If it bothers you so much, don't look!

No, in fact I quite enjoy it!

- I was afraid I'd forgetten what it looked like! - Stupid!

- That Fulvio you put in my room ... - Yes?

- Isn't he a bit queer? - No. Well, yes. He likes men.

- But why did you put him in to sleep with me? - Are you prejudiced?

What does prejudice have to do with it? I just prefer women!

Including you!

Even if you did everything possible to change my mind.

It wouldn't work with me!

I have no desire to experience something new.

I don't want to become a different kind of man.

Oh, you're so sure of yourself!

I've noticed that Fulvio likes men and women, but only young ones!

Poor coconut! So why did he look at me this morning with doe eyes?

I'm neither beautiful nor young, but I can still function!

The penis doesn't control the world. It merely enhances it!

Such as through social power, political power!

Why do we women seek soul mates?

Yes, I know... for love...

- Where are you taking me now? - Guess.

To my room. I want to show you something.

- Oh, I get it. I've seen it many times. - What? Are you afraid?

Your friends are all outside. What's the harm in it?

Let's go to my room and make love!

You don't think I need to worry about my friends?

I would be ashamed of myself if anyone found out.

And just why is that?

Can we agree that I'm not just anybody?

You're the one who invited me to this place!

I, in the most basic sense ... I can do something for you.

- A little sex would make you feel better. - Yes?

It would calm your nerves, improve your skin tone ...

You talk about sex like it was an antibiotic suppository!

I came here because you wanted me to.

You told me: "We will spend two wonderful days together."

Forget that.

If you had said: "Come, play tennis and bring your racket."

Then I'd expect that we'd be playing tennis this morning.

- Hello? - This is Armando. - Who do you want?

- Giuliana. - No, Miss Guiliana isn't here.

- What do you mean, she isn't there? Get her for me! - I told you, she's not here!

To whom am I speaking, please?

No offense, but you'd look better if you rolled over.

There's no law that prohibits those who aren't young and beautiful from being nude!

- Too bad! There should be! - So why are you clothed?

Perhaps you're a bit of a mess beneath that shirt, eh?

What does it matter? I haven't exposed anything and I'm a man!

- That's it! Fulvio is a man but he's attractive! - Exactly!

Brava! Look at me! Like that!

- Nice view, huh? - Yes, the forest is beautiful around here.

I was referring to her ass.

It's like getting the deaf to appreciate music!

I receive hundreds of letters from people who write to me ...

- on ... "disarm the penis." - I'm beginning to have doubts.

For heaven's sake! We've struggled for years, don't start having doubts now!

You'll start to think that the penis isn't...

It's also hard to find the right person.

It's those ideas that have got to go!

Smile, please!

Click!

I also get interesting letters from homosexuals ...

They talk about their problems, their feelings ...

- A good likeness, eh? - Let me see!

But it's a cock!

I know you're an important person! Who do you blame for this?

Armando, how many times do I have to tell you?

I assure you - I was home all day. You must have gotten the wrong number!

Excuse me. It's Armando. He says he called three times and each time was told ...

... I was not here. Do you know anything about this?

Come on, try not to be so unhappy!

You don't have to take it so hard. You understand? You promise?

Yes, Tommy is here.

- The boy is so... - Precocious.

... sweet.

Will you make me a promise? You'll come right away? I'll be waiting for you!

Are you sure, pussycat? Goodbye, my love!

Don't you think you laid it on a bit thick? Now he's coming, too?

Didn't you hear? He was so depressed ...

He's so cute when he's sad. And it's his house, right?

- What now? - Look at the dentist's face. - What will you do?

- Stop the pretending. - Fair enough.

This is crazy stuff.

Pass it around.

Gottcha!

Giuliana, shall we go now?

How about you?

- No? - Let's go upstairs.

- Let's go... at last. - Yes.

Good evening, everyone.

- And good evening to the musicians! - Armando!

- Armando! Darling! - Hi.

- Oh, fuck! - How are you?

- Enrico! Armando. - I couldn't have missed him.

- Giuliana has told me so much about you. - I'm so glad.

- Ciao, Tommy! - Ciao, papà!

Be nice to him while he's so depressed!

- How are you? - Not so good.

- Is it health or women, Quattrini? - Women.

In fact, one woman.

When business is good and one is healthy, what's there to worry about?

As long as one has a faithful woman, you can bear heart disease, back pain ...

... even being completely broke! So, things could be worse!

- Here, my little coconut. - Little coconut...

My dear, you know that your Giuliana has prepared you a nice comfortable bed!!

- But what the hell will you and I do? - Then tomorrow we will all ...

You promised me a nice vacation... I'm still waiting.

- You know how unhappy I am? - Yes, of course I do.

It's amazing the success they have seducing women with that story.

Let's go upstairs!

What's going on? Have we changed places?

No, my love, I've just changed my mind. Now don't you...

- Now, see what you've done? You've made me cry. - I don't understand. - Come, Armando!

You don't understand? Don't worry! You're her little child!

Oh well...

- Where are you going? - I have to do a little shopping.

- I'll take you. - Super. You can drive.

We need to talk. You have something to explain.

- Explain what? - Why you insulted me last night ...

... by sleeping with Armando. - I don't have to explain anything to anyone.

So I have to figure it out for myself?

Am I to be the last one to climb into your bed?

You know for six days I've slept in the guest bedroom?

Good morning.

Put in 10,000. Giuliana, tell me what I've done wrong.

I believe to get we must also give.

But you just want to take.

Yes, maybe it's true. But so far I've only been cheated!

- Tell me the truth, did you make love with Armando? - Yes, of course!

And I had to ask?

Why did you do it?

I just did...

Well, it was because he was unhappy, the poor thing ...

But that's my own business!

- Because you're a bit of a whore, no? - Yes, that too.

- Want me to check the water and oil? - No, thank you.

Thank you. Goodbye.

You say that you have to give to get.

I can assure you that I have given a lot in my life.

I have always been generous with women.

And I don't mean just money.

Whenever it came time to help ...

I even made dentures for free!

I assure you that I never pull back from the word "give" .

Do you understand?

So, is it my fault if I like women?

No, you don't like women, you don't love them. You just want to fuck them.

For you they are like something to eat.

You don't love people.

You don't like to love.

You don't love life.

Is that right? I hope that made you feel better.

I love a lot of people, but if I have to make a choice ...

... I prefer beautiful people, especially beautiful women!

So... ?

So, what's with all this crap?

Tell me why you invited me to your house!

Don't worry. I did want to make love. Now come on!

Hurry up!

Let's settle this right now!

- Are you holding on? - Yes.

Look out!!

Can you let go of my arm?

If you want, this can wait until another day. I'll be okay.

Well? Why don't you undress?

Let me see how you look, Enrico! Come on!

What do you think? I'm the same as I was ten years ago. Maybe a few extra pounds.

Come on!

- Well? - It isn't because I don't want to.

So what is it? Can't you see that I'm ready? I'm all yours!

Listen to me, Guiliana ...

... I just don't want you to do this as a favor, right?

Because I don't like things to feel forced.

- I can't make love like this. I need a little... - ... atmosphere?

- Yes - Like poetry? - To set the mood.

- By understanding one another? - That's right.

Do you realize that these are the same things ...

... you always criticized me for wanting?

Come on, Enrico. Come to me! I'm convinced! Let's ...

- Don't say that word! - Does it rhyme with suck?

Okay. Now Enrico will show you who he is, ten years later.

You won't be sorry. Don't you worry.

I'm so embarrassed.

This is the first time this has ever happened to me.

- It's really the first time? - I swear!

It's never happened before!

I don't know what happened to me.

Maybe... that scare in the car.

Damn...

I guess you were right in not wanting to make love to me.

I never realized this before, but when you couldn't make love...

... I understood how much you loved me.

This was your best moment.

- Really. - I didn't think you'd ever know. - I know.

Homemade ravioli, fettuccine butter, mushrooms and ham ...

... tortellini with cream sauce and truffles, spaghetti with mascarpone apples ...

... spaghetti carbonara, spaghetti marinara ...

... rigatoni with tomatoes, penne in arrabbiata sauce ...

... razor clams with bersagliere, linguine with pesto.

Veal shank with mushrooms, stuffed pigeon ...

...vitellina in genovese sauce. Vitellina from milk... oh!

Marsotto nuts, shameless polenta ...

Scarlet tongue?

YES BWANA

This is a cursed country, gentlemen.

My sad story began the day I agreed to set foot here.

It was because of my damned bloody passion for animals ...

... in their natural habitat.

I'm a taxidermist.

But lately the demand for stuffed animals ...

... has all but dried up.

When our glorious company collapsed it left me stranded in the middle of nowhere.

I took part in a demonstration by unemployed workers.

We marched beneath the windows of the Chief Magistrate chanting in chorus:

... "Sons of bitches! Sons of bitches. "

We were arrested.

That's my damned story. Would you like me to tell you the rest of the story?

If you buy me a drink, I'll tell you my story.

- Pardon me! A drink for my friend! - Thank you, sir.

I have a tremendous thirst!

Here's to my old friend.

Look here, a coin that escaped the others.

As I was saying... No! Please be patient! I am in dire straits. To you, sir!

I was doing a poor job trying to tell you of my familiarity ...

... with the animals of Africa - although they were dead and stuffed ...

... I ... f-fuck ... find myself two months later ...

I find myself, but don't know where to put myself.

But who cares!

You know a Dr. Panunti of the Panuntour tourist agency in Rome?

This rascal had organized an expedition:

... white hunter, room and board, four days, 450,000 lire.

Foolishly, I answered the ad in the paper ...

... and arranged an interview with him.

Well, well, well! My dear Arturo, I suppose you know Africa!

Manners, customs ...

- Yes .. - Food, religion ...

Languages!

- Swahili. - A little bit.

By the way, do you speak English?

Sorry, I didn't understand that.

By the way, do you speak English?

- Ah! Yes, of... course! - Of course!

- Good. You'll be our professional hunter. - Thank you.

- You will be called Wilson! - Wilson?

Clever idea, huh?

So I signed the contract, not knowing I was signing my damnation.

My damned damnation! Cheers!

Excuse me, sir, it's due to a painful African ailment.

Pardon!

Watch the hat, sir...

Although I wasn't completely honest, I'm not a crook ...

... but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

I must start by saying that this story deals with the issues of love and death ...

... which, on closer inspection, are two sides of the same coin.

In its telling it will give some sense of the sweeping panorama of Africa ...

... like Ernest Hemingway, the only writer for me ...

... as if I, on the other hand, were his only reader.

- Shall I continue? - Please!

So, a few days after we had rizz-drizz-arrizza-drizza...

The Italian language is cursed.

In short, we put up tents on the Mbasoni savannah ...

... that cursed savannah.

After this I'll often say "damned" ...

... whereas in Rome I might have said "rascal", "unprofitable", "clumsy", etc.

The participants in the safari were businessmen and northern industrialists ...

... with their girlfriends. Very few wives!

With your permission I'm going to welcome the newcomers.

Oh, here they are!

- At last! - How are you? - Thank you, Madame!

Please, Mr. Brichetti! Excuse me. You're in tent 6, back there. You're welcome.

Wilson! Where's Wilson?

Panunti made me dress like a white hunter.

I found a most elegant outfit in the supply tent.

What the hell are you guys saying?

What language are you speaking?

Excuse me, have some patience! Where does this bag go... ?

Fuck it!

Take this bag!

- And the wild beasts? - Why don't we hear any?

Wild beasts, birds of prey, almost everything! But you have to be very quiet!

This is the time of day that, if you listen, you'll hear kundu.

The kundu?

Professional Wilson, please!

Fire!

Fire?

Wait.

Where is it?

Alas, madam, I cannot consort with our clients!

It is well known that in this equatorial climate, in the frenzy of the hunt they may...

How should I put it? I don't mean in the romantic sense...

... but... they get horny. This can lead to tragedy.

Thank you, eh! Very nice!

- Is that the kundu? - Yes, it's a kundu.

- Eve the Whore!! - Wilson!

- Pardon! - Of course. - Pardon! - Of course.

Wilson!

Wilson! If you must curse, curse in English!

Yes, but these curses don't work in English.

- It's "by God" that we should be using. - By God? - By God!

Doesn't that seem a bit light as blasphemy?

Yes, I'll agree, but you can't have everything in life!

Like I was saying, that was not the mating call of the kundu!

By God!

Good evening.

Excuse me. Sorry to bother you ...

... but some clients have asked me to show them the Southern Cross.

- So, off the top of your head ... - What is it? A plant?

- I don't think so. Maybe it's a constellation. - Ah! You mean a star!

Am I troubling you? I just... I didn't understand what you said.

- Star! A star! - That's right! But I don't know ...

Point to a persimmon! They won't know the difference!

- Clever idea, right? - Brilliant!

Thank you, Wilson!

- Go now and join the entertainment! Go! - I'm going.

That evening we celebrated the night of the great hunt.

I was given to understand that it takes place once every three years.

But every time I got a new party it took place ...

...every seven days.

Wilson!

What are you doing? Entertain them! Entertain them! By God!

Go! Rhythm!

- Encore! Encore! - Hey, you!

I'm talking to you!

Wait a minute!

Encore!

- You have to do the Bughemaghé! - Then you pay union overtime!

For minimum wage we just do a simple dance!

Africans only perform at union scale!

- We want Bughemaghé! - Bravo! - Good!

- We want Bughemaghé! - Yes! - Yes! - Yes!

Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé!

Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé!

Wilson!

Wilson! I must speak to you. Please, come behind the tent with me.

Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé!

- This is a tense moment. - No!

That crook of a witch doctor won't do the Bughemaghé.

- But that's crazy! - These blacks are all unionized!

Now listen to me.

- I should have thought of you. - Who?

Don't worry. Your outfit is in my pack.

And you know the Bughemaghé.

The Bughemaghé. Is it a constellation? Is it the national dish?

- I wouldn't mind that. - Face up to it, Wilson!

You told me you knew everything about Africa! Is that true or not?

- Well, I am a bit... - So, what is the Bughemaghé?

It's said that the Bughemaghé is a ... I don't quite... I don't remember.

It's a performance! It's a ritual! A ritual!

- A ritual! So then... - Come with me!

Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé! Bughemaghé!

What am I supposed to do?

- You know about witch doctors? - Well, I watched him.

So, do exactly what the witch doctor did!

- How does it feel to be a witch doctor? - I feel like throwing up.

May I ask another question, Wilson?

You're taking his place, right?

So, you must do what the witch doctor did.

Which is... ?

The witch doctor walked barefoot across rocks without screaming ...

... because he feels no pain. - But they're sharp!

No... they're hot!

Have you ever seen anything like this, sir? He feels no pain! It is the power of autosuggestion!

What is that? Are we having steak tonight?

I would say it's grilled meat!

By God!

And now everyone, to the dinner of the great hunt!

To the left are traditional African dishes! Dobo Dobo Zighini!

To the right are typical Italian dishes: Spaghetti, pasta and beans ...

Where are they going?

There's also food on the left! The typical African dishes. Ah well ...

Won't you taste the specialties of Africa?

Ah... Wilson!

On the right of the buffet are typical Italian dishes: Spaghetti, fettuccine ...

Professional Wilson!

African cooking is on the left! Go to the left, please!

- No, that's... - You eat only local food, right?

Yeah, you're right! That's me, a tough old African!

So, get a move on! Go!

Yes, bwana.

He pretended to understand my fake Swahili.

His name is Cangoni, born in Rome...

... but for lack of work he recently emigrated to Africa.

In Panunti's employment I was forced to refer to him as that "poor nigger."

- Ku ghè? - Laza pe'!

What is this called?

Dobo dobo.

That's ndigni!

This is ndigni.

I pretended gastronomic enthusiasm and hit the air with my clenched fist shouting...

...yuhu! Lh-ih!

A cry made by some little asshole who appears in American films.

Fantastic! Typical Swahili cuisine!

I never get tired of eating it! I'm going crazy!

Give me more!

- Is this dobo dobo? - Before it was dobo dobo, now it's just dobo.

But dobo...

Little dobo?

Little dobo! Rat!

Care for some more?

Hi!

Typical Italian food!

It looks a bit unusual!

- What is it? - Spaghetti Amatriciana.

- How is it made? - Start with fried onions, then ...

... you add a lot of bacon, tomato and cheese.

- And a little basil. - That's optional.

Hey, Mr. Wilson!

Come on, Mr. Wilson!

The man who called to me was "Trigger", an industrialist from Brescia.

"Trigger" wasn't really his name. It was the product he manufactured...

... triggers for guns at a weapons factory.

Put together a wealthy industrialist and a beauty who was 30 years younger ...

... with a passion for rapid-fire guns and there's one damnable pair of clients ...

... on our damned safari!

Doctor Ciccio Colombi and his Margherita.

Sit down!

- You care for a drink? - Maybe just one glass...

- Hey! He speaks Italian! - Only a little.

Fantastic! Then three glasses, if you please!

I better translate that into Swahili.

- Cangoni, some chicken drinks. - Yes, bwana.

- I'd rather have gone to the mountains. - She wanted to go skiing in St. Moritz.

- I enjoy the fascination of the mountains! - Yes, but a change is good!

Always the same things...

The devious reason that had prompted this ill-assorted pair to call me?

I'll tell you later, even though I could tell you now.

They wanted to get me involved in something that didn't smell right.

Wilson, I want my lion.

Everyone knows that you can no longer shoot lions.

Those were the things characters in Hemingway did 50 years ago.

The Brescians of 1978 are like the Americans of 1928?

I don't know... it's just a hypothesis.

- Do you want a stuffed lion ... - You don't understand.

I want to kill him with my bare hands! I want to return to Italy with a beautiful lion!

I'm afraid you've gone astray, I presume.

As I'm sure you know, you cannot shoot most African wildlife.

We shoot only the impala and gazelle, which are very prolific.

The manager of the national park has assigned a quota of three animals.

There are 35 hunters in this party. What are your chances?

Yes, but they can always make an exception.

Here! Watch! See this?

I gave them a wink.

And they were unmoved.

You must be satisfied with taking photographs and movies.

Tomorrow on our trip to Mbasoni park, hike number five, you'll see a gorilla. A big thrill!

Don't you understand I'm willing to pay any amount of money?

I want that lion! I promised Margherita!

Wilson, you don't need to answer right away. I have only one magic word to say:

... money! Think about it!

I was perplexed. I sat there slowly sipping the aged whiskey.

Margherita had enchanted me with her strange, sweetly evil smile ...

... on those wet and shiny lips.

So, do I sense an affirmative answer?

Would you care to dance, Wilson? That's all right with you, Ciccio?

Of course... she enjoys it! Dancing!

- Shall we? - Actually, I only do tribal dances.

She's a great dancer, you know? Throw yourselves into it!

In keeping with the principle of non-consorting with the clients ...

... I tried to resist ...

... but she had the force of a Cape buffalo.

Back to my damned story. Margherita was overwhelming.

My legs were like a pair of tuna.

Her body clung to me like a leech ...

... I lost all sense of reason!

Her hot mouth whispered in my ear.

Wilson, please say yes...

Yes!

So...

... Ciccio will get what he wants?

I said yes, because I was thinking this was only thing keeping us apart.

The old man wanted a lion ...

...and Margherita insisted that she could persuade him to dassi-dos-dussi. Well!

"Why?", I asked myself. "We want the same thing..."

"... or are the two motivations different?"

Shut up, everyone! I thought I heard the roar of a lion.

- Shut up! - Is it true?

- A lion? Where is it? Where's the lion? - Out there. I don't know!

Shhh! Shut up!

Everyone... be quiet.

- Ah ... come on now! - I don't understand ...

... was that me? I can't rule out the possibility.

It was the African cooking I ate.

Good... Good night!

That wasn't funny!

Forgive me, but I've pondered this curious question.

Who knows how many times I and many others had wondered:

... "The beasts and birds don't kill men ..."

"... or even other animals ..."

"... so why do men do that to them?".

They die of mange, distemper, rotten meat...

... like some cats that I have stuffed ...

... or of old age, as humans do.

What I'm getting at is that in an African national park ...

... the few remaining lions are on their last legs, limping toward a natural death ...

... which is to say, the most beautiful death.

So, the next morning as I returned with supplies ...

... from the local store ...

... it happened that I was met by my friend Cangoni.

- Do you want a ride? - Yes, but I'll do the driving!

- Why? - I don't trust your driving. Okay?

- What are you carrying back there? - A lion, bwana. He died of nostalgia.

- How's that? Nostalgia for what? - For the London Zoo.

He was brought to the national park to increase the numbers ...

... but he never been adapted to this life.

Who could adapt to a life like this? No one!

He was accustomed to being fed at a fixed time ...

... by children who gave him peanuts meant for the monkeys ...

... and that made him ...

What am I thinking? Idiot!

- Will you give him to me? - No, Bwana.

- Because... ? - Because it is forbidden.

But I'll I pay... three sovereigns.

- How much, Bwana? - Three sovereigns. - Yes, Bwana.

Let's shake on it!

It's a deal! I'm in your debt!

Why do you call me "Bwana"?

How should I know?

The park manager told us to call you Burini (Ital: "Lout").

When I reached Colombi he was in a primitive toilet for hunters.

The damn sun was a burning hot disk visible across the river through the trees.

- Hi! - Ah.

- You'll have your lion. - Magnificent, Wilson!

- I'll pay you one sovereign! - One sovereign!

I was going to say: "But if it cost me three sovereigns."

But I'm no idiot.

- Okay, five when I get him! - It's ten or no deal ...

So we negotiated and settled on ten sovereigns.

However, I realized I would rather be compensated by someone else ...

... by Margherita. - Well then...

Okay, Wilson. Okay! You'll have your ten sovereigns!

- Satisfied? - Quite!

We found ourselves in such a spirit of intense personal communion ...

... that Colombi felt the need to confide.

Do you understood why I want my old Simba so much?

Eh ... your old ...??

- Oh, is it that gentleman Como ... - Who?

No... it's the lion. The old Simba!

Isn't that what you old African types call a lion?

Ah, what a fool! By golly, of course I call them that!

Yes, but just why the hell do you want this... old Simba?

- Is there some special reason? - Very special!

You've been looking at my Cicci? Tell the truth, there is nothing wrong with that!

Have you taken notice of her?

Excuse me a moment ... Yes, I've noticed her.

Do you know how much I spend on Cicci every month?

No.

- Five! - Five million! Jesus Christ!

A man of my age ... How many more years will I have with her?

- You don't look more than 72. - Are you crazy? I'm 53!

- Yes, I meant 53. - But I was saying...

In Brescia there is a competitor for my trigger business ...

... Busnaghi, not to mention any names ...

... who would be willing to pay to Cicci 6, even 7 million!

But wait a minute! I've also done something else for Cicci, eh!

I took out an insurance policy worth millions at Lloyd's of London.

I won't say the exact figure to keep you from fainting ...

... and ending up all brown down in the pit!

I know... this Busnaghi is younger than I am, runs a speedboat ...

... for which he has a house full of trophies.

There is little I can do for a woman who likes fearless men.

She enjoys her dancing, but also male virility!

- Uhelà! Good morning! - Uhelà!

- Beautiful, eh? - Lovely. Lovely.

The fresh air! It's African!

I was saying ...

For these reasons, I have to be a man who has killed a lion.

I have to tell Busnaghi in front of everyone in Brescia:

... "You know what I think of your trophies? I piss in them."

"In that bag lies the body of Simba, whom I killed with these hands!"

"Eye to eye, in the Black Forest of the Mbasoni savannah. I leapt upon him and pow!"

Right? A round of applause and congratulations to Cicci ...

... for being lucky enough to be the wife of a virile man such as me.

But with a professional like you along, the dangers ...

... the serious dangers ... there will be none! Am I right?

I blew a large puff of smoke without answering .

This is the response of the strong.

I bet, at this point, you're asking:

"How did our Wilson get Colombi to kill ..."

"... a dead lion he was passing off as alive?".

That's a good question, which shows how bright you are. My compliments ...

The fan must have blown him down ...

As I was saying... Who doesn't know that a lion, when waiting for the hunter ...

... crouches ...

... in the tall grass of the savanna ready to pounce on him?

Just a moment.

Meanwhile, Cangoni and I had placed the dead lion.

It looked more like a rug ...

... but the effect was good enough.

I weep not to laugh. No, I mean, I laugh to keep from crying ...

... at the thought of what would happen next.

My hands were shaking, my face was covered with cold sweat.

I think I need another drink. You know... the hands!

That will steady them, eh!

- Your gun, sir! - Come on, hurry!

That was a bit careless!

See how you shortened it! Fucking slut ...

Oh, Mr. Wilson!

Aren't you training, Miss Margherita?

I'm always ready ...

Maybe it's my lack of mastery of your language ...

... but I'm aware of the possible double meaning of your words.

You're impertinent...

Tomorrow at sunrise I'm going to flush out the old Simba!

Excuse me, I'm very busy. Auf wiedersehen.

Wait, Wilson!

Ciccio told me, and I am so pleased for him ... and I hope ...

... for both of us. - It's my impression ...

... but I still feel you're being a bit enigmatic.

How did you mean that?

Joy is always hidden in the folds of the most secretive lives.

Show me your tongue.

- May I ask you a question? - Ask two!

- I'll ask it before you do! - I don't understand.

The question is: How many will your cot hold? Two?

I only have a sleeping bag in my tent!

Even better! Don't close your zipper tonight.

And with that cryptic phrase ...

... Margherita swayed away.

That night Colombi dreamed that the lion had pounced at him.

He fired, fired, fired... but never hit him.

- Where have you been? - Oh, hi, bamba! Are you still awake?

First of all, don't call me bamba! Where have you been?

Just taking in some fresh air.

While you were out there, you might have taken in ...

No, no, no!

- Dearest! You shouldn't say such things! - Well, where have you been?

I'm sorry, I'm tired.

And I'm tired, too!

But I'm not the type that takes any fooling around!

What's that, bamba?

Just look at you. You're the type that takes it ...

... until proven otherwise! - Oh, yeah?

Well then, I'll prove you wrong! Tomorrow!

When a 30/06 bullet from my Mannlicher-Schonauer 220 ...

... smashes into the lion! - What are you going to smash?

Someone who's no good with his pistol ...

... won't be any good with his rifle!

If you follow my meaning...

Why deny it? That damn night I was with Margherita.

Follow me now in what is called a blackfash... flashback ...

... that is, a step back in time.

Like a true professional, I slept with one eye open - always on the alert!

When I heard the zipper of the tent opening.

- My man... - My woman...

- So, are you up for this? - That would seem to be obvious.

- I want to get rid of the old one. - The old Simba?

- No, my old bamba. - What bamba? Did you mean baby?

In a hunting accident.

- It frequently happens ... - No. No, it won't happen.

Let's make it happen!

The lion jumps... all is confusion. My bamba is in your line of fire.

You open fire and ... it's fatal!

Excuse me a moment. You've lost your mind!

I'm the beneficiary of a billion in insurance from Lloyd's of London.

It will also be yours. We can share pleasure together for the rest of our lives ...

... you, me, him and her. - Who are these other people?

It seems to me like a conspiracy in which my role is to...

... participate in the erotic part of the plan? - That's not true...

- Let's talk later. - Talk now...

No, first love... then death. We'll take it in alphabetical order.

Idiot!

Which brings us to the point where Colombi says, "Where have you been?"

- Where have you been? - Oh, hi, bamba! Are you still awake?

- You seem a bit depressed, no? - And what have you been up to?

Oh, nothing...

I'm thinking of my people, of my home.

Everyone wants to have a home.

Nostalgia is a common malady.

The negro is more nostalgic than the white man.

While the Japanese don't seem to give a damn.

Where did you leave them?

In Rome...

... at this cafe my friends would tell stories ...

... we'd laugh with the girls ...

Where is this cafe?

Via Volturno, near Independence Square.

Neon lights, jukebox, a foosball table.

On Saturday afternoon the black domestic workers from Parioli would arrive.

You know those maids with white handkerchiefs?

Some worked for the Caruccis!

I loved Antonietta from Isola del Sale.

She sang such beautiful songs!

We would go to the variety show, then have a pizza ...

... and on Sunday we'd go to Fiumicino to eat mussels.

What's that?

That's... the very rare musk pheasant.

Oh well, I took a guess! You sure have become a stickler!

What an asshole I was to take this job!

Cangoni.

The man who wants the lion ... he's paying me ten sovereigns.

- We'll each take half? - You're a good man, my brother!

I just hope that this story has a happy ending!

The gondolier rows along ...

... and when he sings he makes an echo.

It is true, river, that you give me peace ...

- Hey! Have you gone mad? - Good evening, doctor!

Everyone within a mile can hear! Damn you!

- It's just the classic nostalgia of the negro. - Who is singing a romantic song?

Cangoni, if you want to sing, you can just say:

..."Bongo, bongo, bongo, it feels good just to be in the Congo".

- Otherwise, shut up! - Pardon me, doctor, I'd suggest:

- "Here comes the negro from zumbon." - "Singing in the cheerful baion"? No!

- That's bullshit! - Okay ...

- This sucks, accountant! - Excuse me, but your balls...

Sorry!

Put out that fire - it's nearly dawn!

- Do we have time to smoke a cigarette? - Do I speak Turkish?

You have to put out the fire because the gas is expensive here!

- I'll do it ... where's the valve? - Right there, Wilson! By God!

By God!

- It's chilly, huh? - The hunting party will be gathering shortly.

Wilson please tell our clients that ...

... I got permission from the park headquarters to shoot ...

... Tecari ungulates, the dwarf buffalo and albino hyenas.

- Animals that never existed. - Yes, you're right, they don't exist.

So you'll have to say that they are rare, fast and ferocious.

Shooting one will make them even more famous! Clever idea!

Brilliant! If you want, we can also shoot the water wolf.

- Does it exist? - In Russia, perhaps. - Enough bullshit, Wilson!

- Here comes the dawn! - The famous African sunrise!

How wonderful! Just smell that morning air!

- Is it the latrine? - What are you saying, Wilson? It's the savannah!

And so began the final bloody day of the short happy life of ...

... someone whom I can no longer remember.

The ground was covered in dew ...

... and as we walked across the grass ...

... we breathed the scent of crushed leaves.

Like the scent of verbena. I enjoyed the smell of morning ...

... and the appearance of the trees, which seemed like black fingers against the clear sky.

Actually, that description isn't mine.

I took it from a book by the master I mentioned earlier.

Cangoni marched fearlessly in the lead ...

... scanning the horizon ahead.

No one can recognize the footprints of a dead lion ...

... better than a beater who was born and raised in Rome ...

... in the Terminal Station neighborhood. Then, there was me ...

... clutching my infallible Big Shot 06/22.

Then came Colombi with his Mannlicher ...

... which I think deeply scared the shit out of me.

And then the slutty bitch!

After four hours of an abominable march ...

... we arrived at the foot of the legendary Mount Kilimanjaro.

Margherita held back a little with her Springfield. It seemed ...

... let's face it ... I was tense, shaking in my shorts.

I was brooding over the absurd proposal she had made the night before ...

... when I heard a sound at my side. It was her.

- So? - So what? - Are you in?

You must be crazy!

- Is that your last word, loser? - It's my last word!

And my last word is binding!

As in the Hemingway's stories ...

... I saw a metaliic flash in her eyes ...

... and her lips tighten with anger.

Then, I confessed that I was born and raised in Busalla, a province of Genoa.

- Really? Then you're not Welsh. - I confess, I am not.

So cut me loose, okay!

I thought of a very non-Hemingwayish ending to this conversation ...

... an ending using the word "ass", but being a true professional I just said ...

... Thank you!

- Cangoni, Ndo is the place? - Nso fuck, Bwana.

- How Ndu far we have come? - N ghe? - N ghe!

- Ada be! - Hey... look at this!

Saints be praised! I'm glad you can speak Swahili!

What was Cangoni saying?

It's quite simple. Cangoni told me in his language ...

... that we were approaching the old Simba.

Yes, bwana Colombi.

But unfortunately the wind is coming from behind us.

Old Simba will get the scent of man in his thicket.

That old Simba is a tough bastard!

Don't overdo it!

That sound!

- Ah ... old Simba's cough. - Cicci, old Simba is coughing. Wilson!

Yes, bamba! Yes, baby! I mean ... yes, bwana!

- Excuse me, it's the excitement of the hunt. - Now that old Simba ...

... has smelled man and coughed, what will he do?

He's very clever. He knows ...

... the smell of the white man.

He silently crouches in the tall grass of the savannah ...

... ready to jump ...

Excuse me. It's that damn African food again. Isn't that right, Cangoni?

- Of course, Bwana! - I'll hold it. Now, let's go.

Simba keeps his eyes closed so as not to reflect his flash of hatred.

He keeps his tail from beating the sun-baked earth.

He even lets the flies land on him.

- And he doesn't breathe, as if dead. - What will he do?

He'll jump as soon as he sees us!

We have to pounce before he jumps.

- Like a bunch of dicks, eh! - Look here ...

... you wanted hunt a lion and now we're a bunch of dicks!

Yes, but you told me there was no danger!

Halt!

- No, child. - Asshole! - Thank you.

Hold my gun! Where did I put the bullets?

I had put them in my pocket ... Damn it! Wait a minute!

Excuse me, eh!

Here they are! Thank goodness!

Candy ... damn it!

Who was the first to run away? I swear to you that I was the last.

I hope that you believe me, sir.

My Big Shot hit the ground and said: "kapow!"

Immediately after Colombi's Mannlicher said: "kaboom".

Then I heard: "znapow."

Remember that sound, sir. "Znapow".

Whats this?

He's ... hurt, right?

Dead.

But don't worry. I'll testify that you didn't do it on purpose.

It was a hunting accident!

I caught a twinkle in her eyes, saying:

"Things didn't turn out the way you'd hoped? Too bad for you. "

My damn story would end here ...

... but please remember that I told you to remember the sound "znapow"?

Perhaps you've forgotten.

So, let me recap:

... Colombi's rifle went "kaboom" ...

... my gun went "kapow." But whose went "znapow"?

You know the sound made by a Springfield 576 automatic ...

... when it fires?

- "Znapow"? - Ah! Exactly, sir!

You've hit the bullseye!

"Znapow" is the special whistling sound that the Springfield makes when it is fired ...

... followed by a loud crack, "pow" ...

... but only when the gun misses.

- Did you hear this loud "pow" sound? - No.

Me neither.

Draw your own conclusions ...

... if you wish.

A letter from Italy.

I hope that my story was worth the three bottles you bought for me.

- We're saved! All is well! Look here! - What are you doing? Opening my letters?

- Read! We're saved! - By God, it's from Margherita!

Watch my face as it relaxes and lights up as I go on reading.

Oh, Jesus!

"My Pompilla, I know you are disgraced. But so far you have been like a platypus."

That's an animal that is completely silent, sir!

"I don't want you to become like a cockatoo." An extremely talkative bird!

"And I wonder how long you'll keep your trap shut.

"I say to myself, 'Arturo is a good person. He'll keep quiet forever.'

"So here's the good news, you wretched idiot!

"In a month I'll inherit the amount due from Lloyd's of London ...

... for the tragic death of my beloved Ciccio.

"I'll send you a little something:

... £ 100,000. Best wishes, Margherita."

We're rich!

Please forgive my vulgarity, but, making a quick calculation ...

... that's 170 million Italian lire!

Infinite thoughts crowd my mind. So many things I can do!

But there's one thing I must ask, sir.

Wipe all my negative thoughts about that ...

... bitch killer from your mind. I would appreciate if you'd modify ...

... your impression of her character! Say yes!

No!

- Why not? - Why not!

What? No? But sir, now I am assailed by a thousand repentances.

Why did you want me to tell you the whole story?

- Who are you? - Lloyd's of London!

Mr. Lloyd from London ...

The name is familiar ...

Cangoni.

- Bring me a pizza. - What kind?

- Margherita, naturally. - Yes, Bwana.

THE INTELLIGENT HOLIDAY

Todarelli, put the watermelons over by the peppers!

- Sign here. - Why so few items today? - Oh, shut up!

Enough for our customers who remain in Rome during August, ...

... and some for the nuns, but I'm leaving for the holidays!

- Are you leaving too? - Ciao! Happy holidays to you too!

- Happy holidays to all! - Work, slaves! We're leaving!

- Take a vacation! - Happy August to all!

- Todarelli! - I'm coming!

Storm the castle gates on your holiday!

Don't hesitate, Remo! To the attack!

Ow, damn!

Fuck these things! These watermelons weigh a ton!

- Don't say "Fuck these things, Remo!" - I'll say what I have to ...

... to be able to lift these weights!

Are 20 kg enough for San Marzano?

- Give that here, Sister Teresa! - I've got it now...

- No! I'll take them in the truck! - God keep you healthy always!

- I'll always have that. - Bravo! But don't say bad words!

No. Sometimes it's worse than "Fuck these things ..."

...You!

- Sister Pauline! - Oh, they weigh so much!

Hey... buck up! Who is all this stuff for?

- It's for the pilgrims at the guesthouse. - For who?

- For the pilgrims! - But didn't you have war orphans there?

- Yes, but they don't make war anymore. - So what?

- So now we feed the pilgrims! - Todarelli! Give it a good clean!

It will shine like a mirror!

How beautiful!

Ciao, mamma! Ciao, papa!

What a beautiful girl! She looks like an Indian Princess!

That's no Indian Princess. It's our daughter, Pasquina!

She just came home from India. Today, young people dress like Indians!

But your children don't help with the work at the store?

No, the poor souls! They study, going to university.

That is hard work!

You've made a lot of sacrifices, but now you have a lot to be proud of.

- That's right! - We can't complain.

Romolina goes to the Academy of Fine Arts, Pasquina studies sociology and psychology ...

...and Cesare is in his second year at medical school.

- God bless you and keep you! - Thank you. Let me help you back in the truck.

- Up you go! - When are you going on vacation?

- Today! We only have to pack. - Where are you going?

We're not sure, either the countryside, the mountains or the sea.

- Our children are making the plans! - That's great!

Yes, it's wonderful. They've put together a little itinerary.

But not like other years in Ostia, in the middle of all those crowds ...

... and then in the evening going to a restaurant and getting a belly like this!

- This year they said ... - They said:

... "This year you will go on an intelligent holiday."

That's great!

- Praised be Jesus Christ! - May He always be praised!

Augusta! Augusta! What else is there to pack?

Here's your shaving cream and pajamas.

I got back from India yesterday. I had a great trip!

Sure, Kuku.

A field study of abstract art.

Yes, to the extent that a relationship can be established through ...

... anthropological observations of their philosophies.

Kabir and I traveled by Land Rover.

We slept in a tent where we could meditate.

There's already a lot of stuff in the suitcase!

Take three more shirts, so you'll have something to change into.

- Plan on doing that as we travel. - Yes, I'll stay cool!

Augusta, do you hear her on the phone! Does she speak all those languages??!

Indian, German, Chinese, English!

Yes, Kuku. Yes, of course.

Pasquina is a scientist! It's not our place to understand!

Who does understand? It's a phenomenon!

- Papà, mamma's suitcase is fine, but not your's! - Why?

Even the immigrants don't go around like that!

We booked you in at first class hotels.

- You can't go with that bag! - But it's sturdy! And holds a lot of stuff!

Now listen to me! Throw that suitcase away ...

... and put everything else in a bag! - Like a sack of potatoes!

Why do you always talk about potatoes! It's a beautiful bag ...

... that holds more stuff and is more modern!

Take off those shoes. They're not appropriate for summer!

No? Then what should I wear?

Shit, dress a little more relaxed! Today people go around barefoot!

- Who are these people? - Papa! Come on, you have to be weighed!

- I just weighed myself last week! - You can't leave without being weighed.

- Is that what you think? - Come! - You're the Doctor.

Weigh in!

Quick now - big, fat, buffolone daddy! Take off your clothes and get on the scales!

You're a doctor and I respect that, but I'm your papa, eh!

You must respect me, whatever you are!

Cesare! This thing that you keep next to your bed ...

... doesn't it make you afraid if you wake up at night?

What you call a thing was once a man, just like you!

He may have been of no scientific value, but now that he is dead ...

... he has become useful to science! - Why of course!

Maybe he was a poor man who didn't have a penny ...

... alive he wasn't worth a shit!

Now, as a skeleton, he's worth a lot of money!

The money I spent to buy it ...

... wasn't money you gave me to study!

But I would have spent it gladly!

Your papà sends you money, because you will become a great doctor!

- I'll try, my dear father! - No "try", I need you to do it!

Then you'll begin to follow my prescriptions!

- Take off your shoes! - Even my shoes?

Of course! Those shoes weigh 7 kg!

Okay. Everyone has it in for these shoes!

Even your sister Romolina tells me: "Take off your shoes and go barefoot."

- What do you think? - What she says would be good for you!

Look at this! You have gained seven pounds in a week!

- It's all fat, carbohydrates and cholesterol! - And I wasn't even scared!

How did this happen? You put me on a diet!

Yes, I made up a diet, but the two of you go out at night to eat bread and sausages!

Cesare, your mother and I work hard!

If we don't eat, we'll fall to the ground!

There are different ways of following a diet, my dear father!

- Skip the bread with your morning coffee! - And just eat soup, right?

Yes, and you should make large batches of it!

Well, doctor! What do I have?

You can tell your papà! What do I have?

Papà and mamma are leaving on holiday.

We've planned a cultural trip through Italy for them:

... visits to museums, concerts, art exhibitions ...

An intelligent holiday!

While they're on vacation, Romolina, who does interior design ...

... and her architect friend ...

... will take away all the furniture in the living room and papà and mamma's bedroom ...

... and furnish our house in a decent way. They'll throw it all away:

... that horrible mirror, the old credenza ...

... the bed that looks like a funeral bier, the Madonna with baby Jesus ...

... the gondola with its gondolier ... - Mamma! - I'm here!

Mamma! Come take your weight.

- I'll be there when I finish packing. - Come now, mamma!

I'm coming. I coming, darling! Here I come!

Step up, mamma!

- Is it broken? - Yes, it's broken!

- What did I tell you? Do you like it, papa? - Yes, it's stylish and also large!

It holds a lot of stuff! I'll throw away the cardboard suitcase!

- Here's your itinerary! - Good, read it to your papa!

I've planned a stop at the Etruscan cemetery in Tarquinia.

- Very rustic! - I could go into detail ...

... but I think you see the value. - Of course!

For example, an historic perspective on man's concept of death.

- You understand, papa? - Yes, but it doesn't sound like fun.

Cemeteries can be very interesting, papa!

I know. Mamma and I always go to the cemetery to find your grandmother!

This doesn't have anything to do with grandma.

The Etruscans were a people who died out 2000 years ago!

But help me understand this! Who were they? What did they do?

The Etruscans were criminalized by the Romans - they wiped them out!

- So I say fuck them! - Papa! Can you stop talking like that?

- Here. - Is it the last? - Yes. Don't say, "Fuck them" again!

- But I didn't say it in a bad way! - Well, you said what you said!

- Always ignorant! - I know!

Your mamma and I don't have much culture!

Which is why we've planned an intelligent holiday!

- Here! - This is made from honey...

Do we have to travel around the world in this car?

- Cesare told you to trade it in! - I know ...

... but then he'd take the new car!

But he's almost a doctor! He can't go visit the sick on a scooter!

I'm sure. Why else do we have to trade it in?

It's like new! And this 127 is the most beautiful car in the world!

It may be beautiful, but it's cramped!

When we bought it, it was fine!

And 20 years ago I weighed 15 kg less!

Don't I know! What can we do?

After we go on this intelligent holiday ...

... with what we eat, or rather, don't eat ...

... it will feel wide again!

That's it! Take your time, Augusta!

Come on. That's the last one. Go slowly.

That was great! But I'm tired. Let's take a rest.

Let's sit down here. We don't need to run after anyone.

- That's better. - So who were these Etruscans?

Romolina explained it to me. But I don't remember very well.

- What did she say? - That they were an ancient people.

And now they are no more, they're all dead. They were called Etruscans.

- But then they infiltrated the area around Ciociaria. - Where? - I believe it was Lazio.

They started making caciotta, pecorino, mozzarella and salsicce.

Then they arrived in Rome. They opened the diners.

After them came the Marchigiani, the people of Abruzzo.

That's why Romans are all small and stocky.

- I can't be one of that race! - Then you must be Etruscan!

- Maybe I really am an Etruscan! - Come on, Remo, it's hot out here.

- Let's go into the tombs. - Yes, let's do that.

Caesar told us that going to the shore would be bad because it's too hot, Augusta.

But to cool off here we have to go into a tomb.

Here we are in one of the most picturesque of the necropoli.

The layout of the tomb extends radially ...

The steps have crumbled because they are more than 2000 years old.

Did you hear that? "The layout of the tomb was ..."

- "... developed in a radial pattern," he said. - Let's go inside.

This represents the nucleus of a village ...

... with the square in the center. You see there?

This tomb is one of the oldest in the necropolis.

The front entrance, with this arch ...

... places its construction in the Archaic period of the Etruscan civilization.

On the sarcophagi are laid the original bowls and pitchers ...

.... in which relatives brought food and drink for the dead.

The presence of these objects shows how vibrant ...

... the cult of the dead was in the time of the Etruscan civilization.

The tomb is dug into the tufa ...

... reproducing the wood and terracotta ceilings ...

... of Etruscan homes ...

... reflecting their deeply intimate relationship with death.

For them the tomb was not only a place of prayer ...

... but also an occasion for meeting friends and family.

This way, we enter the lateral tomb ...

... where the sarcophagi of the spouses are placed .

It is a very clear example of the replication of the family.

This way, Augusta ... take your time!

Here you go. We're out of there.

- Did you like the chamber of the spouses? - It was beautiful... interesting!

The Etruscans loved their dead!

Did you hear? Their relatives came to see them every day.

- They brought them food and drink. - So they did.

The living Etruscans ate, and so did the dead!

Augusta, remember the chicken Etruscan we ate in Civita Castellana?

How could I forget? Baked with the fried potatoes!

Stuffed with sausage, olives, bacon, rosemary ...

- You're making me hungry! - Then let's eat!

Here's the place! You see it, Augusta?

Read that: "Ancient Etruscan Restaurant."

- Is the food any good? - Of course! We're Etruscans!

- Can you smell the roasting meat! - And gravy, no?

Fettuccine, free-range chicken livers ...

Meatballs with sauce, stew, tripe... Do you like this place?

Come on, Augusta! If we can't eat, we can console ourselves with the smells!

Take a deep breath, Augusta!

- Right this way. If you will follow me ... - Be careful on the stairs, Augusta!

- It's like the tomb! - Of course! Ancient Etruscan Restaurant!

- You don't like it? - Please be seated.

- Yes, it's nice and cool. - Certainly, this will be fine. Sit down.

- I'll sit next to my wife. - Wherever you like is fine!

- Thank you. - Please.

Your napkin. That's it. May I bring you a nice appetizer?

We have crostini with wild boar, porcini mushrooms in oil ...

- What are you talking about? - A dish that we guarantee 100%!

Or a garlic and chili bruschetta that opens up the stomach.

We're on a diet. We can't eat that.

What has Cesare prescribed for today? We're in this cave ...

... we have an appetite, but cannot eat.

- So, what does it say? - Today, two green salads, no oil or salt.

40 grams of cheese each, and two portions of rice pilaf.

- Rice pilaf! - Very good. - Thank you.

First, we prepare a homemade pasta ...

... with ham gravy, butter and parmesan cheese. If you'll allow me ...

... I recommend our specialty: Tonnarelli with rabbit gravy.

Tonnarelli! Oh, yes! That sounds wonderful!

But what do we care? We're having rice pilaf. No?

- What is rice rilaf? - Just like it sounds.

Rice cooked in a creamy broth. It's a specialty dish.

Maybe they can put in some pieces of mozzarella cheese, sausage, salami ...

Stop before I eat the napkin!

There is no need for that, my dear! Here's our meal.

- Wine, sir? - No wine.

- We'll have water. We're on a diet. - All right.

- This is without oil or salt? - Yes, no oil or salt.

- For you. - Thank you.

- See? Lettuce leaves ... - This is a broccoli stem?

Excuse me. May I borrow your pepper? Thank you.

We have a son who is studying medicine.

He put us on a diet. No salt, no oil. Pepper will have to provide the taste!

- Do you want some too? - My plate is empty! Shall I eat pepper?

Many thanks.

How on earth can they eat all that! Food piled everywhere and still so thin!

Excuse me.

I asked my wife ...

... how do some people eat so much without getting fat?

Often the cause of hunger and resulting obesity ...

... is due to anxiety and unresolved conflicts.

My wife and I aren't anxious. We have no conflicts. We're just hungry.

Sometimes you may not realize it, but there can be conflicts ...

... especially with your children.

Augusta, is it the children who are making us fat?

No, all three of our children are scientists. They all decide what was best for us.

The one who is studying psychology and history educates us ...

... Cesare studies medicine and makes us do gymnastics ...

... weighs us and then makes us pee in a cup.

Oh, no!

I'm sorry. We have a conference this evening . We should discuss this.

- Where are you having this conference? - Be quiet... here's our rice!

- Rice pilaf for the lady and gentleman? - Yes, it's for us. Place it here!

- Thank you! - Enjoy.

Excuse me, waiter. What is this?

It's the rice pilaf that the lady and gentleman ordered. Why?

And these were recovered from the tombs of the Etruscan dead?

It's a feature of the restaurant. We serve the rice in Etruscan bowls.

- It's a bit too impressive for me! - Shall I put it in a plain bowl?

Yes, please.

When you put it in the bowl, could you add a little sauce?

- It seems a little dry. - Yes, I can add some rabbit gravy, or ...

... tomato sauce, or butter and parmesan cheese. - Add whatever you like.

I like all kinds of sauces! Augusta, would you like yours in a plain bowl?

I've already finished mine! Eat wisely, Remo. We gave him our word!

- It would be a betrayal! - So what?

My wife says I have to eat it like this.

Whatever the lady says ...

Tell me, Augusta ...

... do you understand we're making these sacrifices because of them?

Because they want to change us.

It all seems like a pain in the ass to us, but they do it out of love.

They want us to become intellectuals.

They want us to become like them.

Like them, my ass! When will we ever become like them? Three scientists!

Can't you see how cultured they are?

- How bright they are! - They speak all the languages of the world!

So much so that I say:

"How did two fruit people like us bring ..."

"... three creatures like them into the world?"

Isn't that a source of pride? Eh?

- Are you touched by that? - No.

Are you crying?

- Yes, I'm crying! - But why?

They've emptied the entire house, taken away our furniture ...

...my Madonna...

When we get home, we won't find anything of ours, not even the chairs.

If you want to sit down, you'll have to put your ass on the ground.

Like the Turks!

Oh well, let's try it!

It's just modern times, Augusta! There's nothing we can do about it!

We're just old fashioned! I'm sorry about the gondola, however! About that, yes!

- We got that on our honeymoon! - I grabbed this at the last minute!

You saved it!

We'll keep it as our oracle. And hide it under the bed.

We can keep an eye on it there! Brava!

I saw you in paradise. Augusta, your pretty face ...

... made me fall in love!

- Augusta, my love! - Come on, Remo! Stop it!

Augusta, my beautiful love!

- Are you getting tired? - No, I'm fine.

- Oh, man... This is a terrific hotel! - You don't think it will cost too much?

No, of course not! They booked the room!

Good morning, sir!

Do you have the reservation my son made for me and my wife?

- Under what name? - Remo Proietti.

Yes, there is a reservation in the dieting section.

Yes, we are on a diet.

- You can begin to take the waters tomorrow. - Good!

You heard that, Augusta?

The lady and gentleman's diet section? Down this way, please.

- Please. - Yes.

- Right this way. - Yes, yes.

Here you are, sir.

Here is your table.

Please be seated, madam.

Madam...

Please.

Francis, the cart!

Mr. and Mrs. Proietti?

- Yes, that's us. - One small slice of roast beef.

And voilà!

For you, sir.

Raw vegetables with carrots, madam.

The mousse for you, sir.

A black olive.

The same.

A green Maiella olive!

And voilà!

- Bon appetite, Mr. Proietti. - Thank you.

- It's bread! - I can see that ...

- Enjoy. - Thank you.

What now?

Don't eat with your hands, dear.

What about those people?

Who?

- Apparently it's okay in this section. - Yes, you can!

Augusta!

Turn around slowly. See what they're eating in the other section.

What do you care? Don't look!

I wasn't looking, it just caught my eye when I turned my head.

FLORENCE Concert of Contemporary Music

- Are they just tuning up? - Yes.

- When will they begin to play? - I don't know.

- Excuse me, what time does it begin? - What?

- The concert. - What do you mean? - What?

Be quiet, please!

- What did he say? - "Be quiet, please."

- Is he crazy? - Tacet!

- Excuse me, what did you say? - "Tacet" means silence.

Few people know that tacet is in the score.

Tacet is in the sheet music!

- I didn't understand. What did she say? - Shut up! - Shut up?

Okay, okay...

Augusta, we'd better be quiet, otherwise we'll be thrown out.

Maybe so...

The concert must be over.

- Sit down! The concert isn't finished! - It isn't?

Where are you going? Sit down! The concert isn't over!

Don't people clap when it's finished?

Sit down! Don't embarass me!

- Are you sleeping? - I can't take it anymore.

- Make the sacrifice! - Oh, I am ...

Yes, we just got back from the concert. It was a beautiful program. Thank you.

- Good! - We've been following the itinerary you prepared.

Your mother's feet are swollen, and I feel a bit dizzy.

You know I went off the road with the car?

- Was anyone injured? - No, we were just a little scared.

- And the cure? - We're over here at Montecatini.

We're completely empty ... just full of air.

Therefore, if we were to eat a plate of spaghetti with tomato sauce, a sausage ...

- Papà! - No, eh?

Your mother almost fainted during the concert.

My God, it wasn't just the hunger! It was also the music that they played.

Or rather, for music which they didn't play.

Don't criticize, papà!

For centuries music has been expressed in the traditional way.

Now our generation is inventing new means of expression!

You may not understood it today, but one day you'll understand!

Don't get mad. You're right. It was beautiful music.

Maybe one day we'll learn to appreciate it.

Your mother sends her greetings. She's at the window getting some fresh air!

- Have fun! - Yes, goodbye son! See you at home!

Ah well... what can you do?

What is it... ?

- What? He's pretty well pissed! - What did he say?

He wants to weigh us again when we get home.

- Look down there! - I've been watching!

Look at what they're having! Whiskey, champagne ...

- Gelati, spumoni, trifle ...

- Cream puffs ... - Chocolate balls in cream ...

Let's go to bed, Augusta, otherwise I'll jump out the window.

- And I won't? - Let's go...

Did you know the group that played at the Salzburg Festival tonight?

- Was it contemporary music? - No.

- It was directed by Von Tobel. - Oh... you were there?

Quiet... listen!

- From the tone I'd say it was Kagel! - You think so?

- No, it's Stockhausen! - Stockhausen? - Yes, that's him!

- No, it's Kagel! - You're right, it is Kagel.

Stockhausen or Kagel, the tone is the same.

I have three children that go to school also.

In the morning I have to row ...

... then my wife and I wash the floors of the Palazzo Ducale.

What can we do? We just take it in the ass!

But we take a lot of pride in our children.

- Yes, we have three scientists. - We owe it to them that we're here in Venice.

- Next we're going to the art festival! - It's an intelligent holiday.

Yes, very nice.

Enjoy your stay! Goodbye, my friends!

- Thank you! - Thank you, "vecio"!

Where did you learn Venetian?

- Enrichetta's father is Venetian. - Really? I didn't know that.

- Look! B78. What does it mean? - Bona. - Bona?

"From Nature to Art From Art to Nature"

This structure is 8 meters x 8 meters x 1.2 meters, cast in cement.

This giant sculpture by Staccioli is ...

... a departure from the usual institutional vision of the lagoon of Venice ...

... to first furnish and then overtake ...

- What is he saying? - Can I explain that? He's saying ...

.... things that we can't understand.

- Do you want an apple? - No... put that away!

We don't want everyone looking at us!

- What are they? - Funnels. Can't you see?

That's what I'd do with them if I was tidying up the kitchen.

But who the hell does the cooking?

Augusta! This is a sculpture! We're at an art festival! It's just a nice arrangement!

- Be careful where you put your feet! - Who are they?

- Are they injured? - Was there no other place to put them?

There must not have been if they left them out here.

- Look at that giant! - Are those trees growing on him?

That's why they keep the giants out here. Their children will grow up in those trees!

It puts out roots, as if to draw in life-giving nutrients ...

... and ensure the continued survival of both nature and humanity.

- There isn't shit to see in here, Remo! - I'm afraid not.

Let's look over here!

What is it?

What is it?

- It's... a ... - They're sunglasses!

- Yes. - So what? What's it supposed to mean?

Don't ask me anything else, Augusta! Come on, let's go!

"A little bit of art"

We are still in the Italian section.

Here Gianni Emilio Simonetti has presented us with his piece called ...

- ... "Still life with leaves and flags." Please. - What?

- Step up. - May we go up? Thank you.

After you, Augusta! Thank you, professor!

As you can see, the artist has nearly filled the space to the brim ...

... with dried leaves and red flags ...

... allowing him to trace the the thread of memories ...

... and nostalgic thoughts. Please... excuse me.

- What should we do? - Come back down.

- Ah! - So, the others may see.

- The others must see that! - See crap!

- Excuse me. - The artist, by using the crudest of art materials ...

... exposes nature itself rather than trying to reproduce it.

- But this is a barn! - A barn?

Is this how we came in?

Sorry. We're in the wrong place. This is a barn.

- Not at all! It's an Israeli work of art. - A work of art!

He said, "It's an Israeli work of art."

It's nature itself, not its likeness ...

... seen in the solidity of living animals.

- What did he say it was? These are sheep! - I think not. - These are living sheep.

The artist has placed his mark on them ...

... a splash of bright color.

The spirit of the sheep enters and occupies this space ...

- So, they are sheep! - ... and is transformed into a flock ...

... by forcing their passage between the fences. The straw, the hay ...

... create a real flock of sheep. - They are living sculptures!

Did you hear the professor? If you'd asked me, I wouldn't have known.

It's the first time I've been to the art festival ...

... and I had no idea what live sheep might actually be.

I told my wife, "I'm a living sculpture."

They aren't sculptures, they're sheep and nothing more!

The sheep are brought to life by the intervention of the artist ...

- ... in this confined space ... - Don't look at me, look at him!

- He's the one telling you about the sheep! - ... where an entire flock ...

... has been reproduced as natural living sheep in this space.

Our journey through the artistic expressions of this century now...

... leads us to the section devoted to the nature of anti-nature ...

... in a working environment typical of the Engish artist, Richard Long ...

... whose rustic artwork is based on megalithic lunar landscapes ...

... with mysterious spirals depicted by a succession of stones ...

... set in a concentric pattern.

- Here ... - There are 73!

- Very good. - The woman is amazing!

We're fruit people. She counts everything. She doesn't care about anything else!

You want to know how I counted them? I noticed there were six rings!

- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... - Please... stop counting.

We can't count them?

This is a somewhat shocking presentation by John De Andrea.

It's a polyester mold made from a young woman ...

... whose vivacity is accentuated by the meticulous ...

... use of real human hair, and this real carpet.

It's use of realism transcends the merely provocative ...

- Where are you going? Leave her alone! - But she isn't real!

Real or fake, she's still a slut!

At this point, the exhibit moves to the out of doors ...

... with a work by Simons, employing a break in the wall to capture the landscape.

- This disconcerting piece ... - Come on! Here's someone saying his rosary!

Sorry! Our mistake. We went out and couldn't find the way back in.

- Surrounding the landscape ... - We'd like to get back in. Where should we go?

Come on. I don't think he knows.

... is this fantastic fairy tale world created in clay.

As you can see ...

How did we end up down there, Remo?

I'm not sure? I asked for the ladies' bathroom and she told me: "Down there."

Fuck her, she sent us into a well!

Franco Summa's, "Within Four Ancient Walls" ...

... is a reminder of a once fabulous palace, with brightly colored garments ...

... kept in its shaded recesses.

- Let's catch our breath! - Hey, what are you two doing?

- You can't lean against the sculpture! - She's not. My wife is leaning on the wall.

- There's the sculpture. - All of this is this sculpture!

- Ah, so all of this is the artwork? - That doesn't belong here! Take your hat...

We've been on our feet since this morning. We didn't know this was the sculpture.

All of this is the artwork. Got that? Don't touch it!

The breeze blows the leaves over the chair, which represents ...

- How are you feeling? - I'm thirsty, hungry, my feet are swollen ...

- There must be someplace here to get a coffee! - And a sweet roll!

Whatever you want. At least we can sit! Wait!

See, there's a nice chair! Sit here. I'll go get you a drink.

- And something to eat! - Of course!

Get some pagnottella, a cold beer, whatever you can find ...

Yes, whatever they have, I'll get it! Now don't move!

- Where would I go? - Will you be okay?

- Yes, it's nice and cool here. - I'll be right back.

Excuse me, is there a cafeteria, a bar, where I can some food and drinks?

Yes, go straight down that way and then turn right.

- I didn't understand that. - Go outside using the door on the right.

Ah, out the door! "Straight across." But how do I get there?

The multi-colored forms ... What's this?

"Chair with a body lying on it". Is this a living sculpture?

It's an original artwork, my dear. You can buy it for 18 million.

- I find it to be very beautiful. - Did you watch the body?

It looks like a large ball that sinks down and then rises up ...

... as if driven by a wind that is moving the ball.

Augusta! They didn't have anything to eat. Just soft drinks.

- Drink it! It's cold! - Son of a bitch! Who are these people?

- Who? - The ones taking my picture!

This is my wife! Why are you taking her picture?

- Why didn't you say something? - What was I supposed to say?

She's not a statue!

- Not like that naked woman! - I wanted to buy her for 18 million.

18 million? Isn't that a bit too much?

Augusta!

Glu-glu! Pigeons!

Here you are!

I'm hungry enough to eat them! For a snack!

- So, what did you get? - A bit of everything:

... prosciutto, salame, mortadella, parmigiano, pecorino, provolone ...

...alici, tonno, cipolline and carciofini. A bag of sweet olives ...

... and two cold beers cool! Shall we? - Bravo!

Hold this!

- Take this sandwich! - I've got it!

Look, Augusta!

Look at all this!

A front row seat to the finest scenery ...

Anything but that art festival! Bon appetite, Remo!

Same to you, Augusta!

I'll see you when I get back from Venice. I promise you.

Isn't that Pasquina?

It's her. Is there anywhere we can hide?

- It looks like we've been caught! - So what should we do?

Let's pretend that we're feeding the pigeons.

Perhaps it's better we leave tonight.

- It would be better for you, sweetheart. - Yes, that's right.

Pasquina!

Come on, let's go!

- Have I shown you the church, Kabir? - Where is she going?

She's leaving.

We spent half a day at that art festival looking at sheep and white walls ...

- Little whore! - While we're dying from fatigue.

She didn't come here to see us.

She just came to bust my balls about what I was eating!

- She didn't even say hello. - No, she was ashamed.

I'm afraid to go home. I don't want to see what they've done.

- So what will you do? - Run away.

- Why? - I want revenge.

I want revenge, too... but my way!

- Give me that sandwich! You don't need it any more! Come on!

The roast pork is ready now.

Thank you, but we've had enough of the pork loin. Now we'd like some ...

... bean stew with sausages! - And pork trimmings!

- While we're waiting for the baked pasta. - The pappardelle are ready.

What do you say? Is the menu okay with you, my dear?

- Good! Thank you, my dear! - Please, my love!

Giovanni! Another prosciutto with black olives for the Princess of Aragon!

- I've already prepared four. - Well then, today you'll make five!

It's nothing to me. I'm not the one who has to eat it.

Giovanni! Give me two panfried pork chops with gravy.

Make me two double pappardelle with extra rabbit gravy!

Is this all for that same couple?

They've been eating for two hours. They must be stuffed.

They eat too much!

- Are those people behind me royalty? - Yes... princes and princesses.

Good morning, your highnesses. But I must warn you about the pork loin.

Good morning, dear. She says don't get the pork loin!

- Have you seen those two? - They're eating everything!

- Would you like another serving of beans? - Good!

- May I offer you another sausage! - Of course!

- Waiter! - I'm coming!

- Waiter! I'd like some sausages and beans. - Me too! - Me too!

- Like theirs! - Four sausages with beans!

- Sausages? Sausages with beans. - What is that?

Augusta, have a glass of red wine ...

... it's good for your blood pressure! - Thank you.

Giovanni! 3 sausages with beans, 4 sausage only, and 7 sausages with beans!

Take it! That's the last plate of beans and sausages. They're all gone!

Beans, beans ... Farts and beans.

Excellent!

The idea of beans and sausages ... divine!

We have three marvelous children.

- We sent them to the University. - All three are scientists!

They are tall, healthy, beautiful!

A lot like you, at the head of the table, with high standards and valuable skills.

I appreciate your approval of ...

... those of us in the younger generation.

- Did you hear her, Augusta? - Yes.

Except her generation is ashamed of us ...

... because we are fruit people. - What do you mean, fruit people?

- Do you admire fruit? - No, no!

- We're the vendors! - The vendors!

Yes, vendors ... I think you understand.

- Excuse me, what are you eating now? - Can't you see?

I'm eating pappardelle with rabbit gravy. It's the best in the world!

- The best in the world! - Shall we try that?

- It's ready! - Here's the pappardelle!

Beautiful!

We should raise a monument to those two!

- They're eating it all! - The royalty!

How's the pappardelle? A fantastic dish!

Thanks to the working class!

- I'll have a Fernet Branca. - Me too!

Fuck them!

The truth, Augusta, is that we have three children who are criminals!

- They always complain that we eat too much. - So what?

They want us to learn English, but they don't even know what it means to be Italian!

And Pasquina? Is she also ashamed of the name we've given her?

- She calls herself Pigi. - Can you imagine if Pigi ...

... could see what we're eating now?

She'd make us live on an empty stomach for three weeks!

- Could you eat a half portion of pappardelle? - Of course!

If only to spite those sons of bitches!

- Waiter! - My wife wants to order something.

Two more pappardelle with rabbit gravy!

I don't understand what happened. She just rolled back her eyes and fainted.

You pumped out her stomach?

- She'll recover? - I'll recover?

- Well, this time you'll recover! - Thank goodness!

But tell me something. What the hell did you have to eat?

Everything! She ate everything in the restaurant.

For revenge. For revenge...

- Yes, it was delicious! - For revenge... revenge!

- It was delicious! How do you feel? - I'm still hungry.

I have a feeling that you shouldn't say that here!

["Closed for the Holidays"] It seems like yesterday that I put this up.

The summer is already over!

We've finished our holiday!

- Augusta! - Eh?

Come on!

I was thanking the Virgin Mary that we survived ...

... our intelligent holiday.

- Survived? You thought you would die? - Not die ...

... but I did go to the hospital. - Yes.

My house, my house, my little girl ...

... it feels like a ... a sanctuary - A sanctuary.

- Maybe because we enjoy our work ... - Vacations tire us out.

- We arrived, Augusta. - Thank goodness!

- After you, dear. - Thank you.

- Whoa... Augusta! - Did you open the wrong door?

How could I? I opened it with our key!

- Are you sure this is our home? - I'm sure.

Oh, no! I'm not so sure.

It must be our home, because it's the only place our key will work.

Come in...

- It's our father... - What are they doing?

- Standing in the living room! - What are they saying?

Oh, my God!

It feels like we're back at the art festival.

Papà! Mamma!

- Pasquina! - Bravi!

You're back home, eh? Mamma, dear. Papà!

Welcome back, papà! How did it go? Did you enjoy it?

Your papà loved it! It was fine.

Your mother and I had a nice trip.

We rode in a gondola ...

- We saw you in Venice, you know? - Yes, I saw you.

Why didn't you speak to us?

You seemed like two love birds. I didn't want to disturb you.

- Is that why? - Yes, why else?

- Augusta, did you hear that? - Of course. I understand.

- Yes? - Yes!

Do you need help, Pigi?

- Come in! Meet papà and mamma! - He's Indian? - Yes, from Calcutta.

I could tell he was an Indian!

- Kabir came to Rome to meet you! - Is he a fakir?

- I'm in joy. Oh, poppy! - Yes, I'm her father.

He's cooking tonight. He wants it to be a surprise.

- Really? - Can we come in?

Come in! Papà and mamma are here! We have to prepare dinner.

- Here's my little girl! - How are you?

- Ciao, mamma! How was your trip? - All right.

What do you think of the house? You like it?

- Do we like it? - Do we like it?

May I present Roe Bottle. She did the remodeling plan for the house.

- Oh, this was your plan? - I removed all that was unnecessary.

- Unnecessary? She's taken away everything! - Of course!

I did it to reach a dimension ...

... that is both essential and existential. - She's a genius! From the best school!

Really? This is the best?

- You've done this to your own home? - No, I had to move out.

- They don't want to see her anymore. - Oh, no?

- So you brought me here? - She did us a big favor, papa!

- I don't know how to thank her. - Did you hear that?

She did us a big favor!

- Papà! Mamma! - Here's our little doctor!

- Big fat mamma! - With a beard!

- Papa Grufolone! Did you follow your diet? - Just look at me!

- How do we want us to look? - Well, too bad for you!

- Look who's here! - Who are they?

Pasquina met them on her latest trip.

- He's a Dutch Protestant minister. - Thank you for your hospitality.

- And he's a globetrotter. - Thank you, Grufolone.

- They're dining with us tonight. - Yes, do have dinner with us!

Papà, mamma! Freshen up, dinner will be ready soon!

Great! Let's go, Augusta!

If you gentlemen will excuse us, we're going to go freshen up.

Quickly... our guests are getting hungry!

Too bad that there isn't an erupting wall!

We can find one, right? Let's look around!

- This is our bedroom? - Yes.

- What the fuck... are those two caskets? - That's my guess.

Is that the closet?

Yes.

That's the dresser.

Yes.

And that's my Madonna.

Yes.

- What should we say, Augusta? - What should we say, Remo?

What can we say?

It would appear that our time is over.

When the children were young, we taught them how to live.

Now that they're grown ...

... they're teaching us how to live.

Consider this, we taught our children ...

... to look forward, not backward.

We can't tell them we don't like it.

It's beautiful, Remo! I do like it!

Do you mean it?

- Really? - Yes!

Mommy... Poppy...

For myself, I must refer to the latest works of Lawrence ...

- What is this? - What's this? It's Indian pine nuts.

- Do you like it? - It's good.

However, the Vienna school is the foundation of Western culture.

- For me, culture is a bunch of shit! - Not for me!

However, I won't argue. I'm going to the kitchen.

I don't hide that I'm attracted to the works of Russell.

His contributions are also of interest to the Anglican church.

You don't see a conflict between religion and science?

Religion may coexist with science, when the research is disinterested.

For me, structuralism is uppermost. Indeed, in a capitalist society ...

... research is never disinterested. - I agree.

- Have you lived in the Soviet Union? - No, but the pastor lived there.

Yes, I lived there for a while.

Guys! No more discussion! Look what's arrived!

Kabir learned the art of cooking during our meditations. Here are the results!

- He cooked that? - Yes.

That rogue is taking credit for what you taught Pasquina.

- Is it any good? - Let's taste it!

- Bravo! - Dig in!

- Good food! - Ah-ha! That's too much!

Baked good!

Good pig!

- It's about time! - Brava!

This is the first time I've eatten spaghetti.

Maccaroni is like a drug for me!

Over here!

- None of this is for us. - No?

Remo, look how the Kraut is eating!

This is truly exceptional!

- What's this? - So you won't get dirty.

What? Look at this!

- So I won't get dirty! Papa! - Pine nuts aren't dirty!

Not pine nuts, look what's coming!

- What's coming? - Look what's coming!

- Poppy! Mommy! Bon appetite! - You made this especially for us?

- What about our diets? - Mommy, eat!

- Look what they brought us to eat! - But aren't we on a diet?

As your doctor, I forbid you to eat ...

... but as your son, I'm afraid to get in the way of the pot!

- He's kidding? - Of course! Eat up!

- Augusta, they were kidding! - Food is nothing to joke about!

Don't you see - they're gradually beginning to eat what we like, Augusta.

Do you see how they're learning for themselves? They just have to do it on their own.

See how young people are:

... they break, smash, throw out what is old.

Then they realize for themselves that it was better the way it was before.

But for now ...

... let them vent ...

... and it's possible that we'll lose the Madonna, the baby Jesus ......

... the buffet, the credenza ...

... the sofa, the chairs, the armchairs, our bed, the dresser.

- We may even lose the gondola! - Of course!

But maybe we'll learn to like it!

Hey, Todarelli! Come on!

Get up here!

Where did you go this year? We didn't see you in Ostia.

This year Augusta and I went on an intelligent holiday.

- What's that? - What do you mean, what's that?

Concerts, art festivals, museums...

You wouldn't understand. You're too ignorant.

If you can understand it, then surely I can understand it.

- No! You wouldn't understand! - Why not?

- You'd have to see it for yourself! - Oh, fuck off!

You had me scared! I thought you'd become a scientist, too!

Don't worry, even if all the world became scientists ...

... who'd get these crates to the market?

- However, I can try once in a while. - I may try it myself!

Hello! We're back! Augusta and I are back!

- Here! Have a cappuccino! - Hey there!

Remo, it is true that someone wanted to buy Augusta for 18 million?

I've had this work of art for 30 years, and never realized she was a masterpiece!

So if they'd give 18 million for her, how much would they give for me?

At least 1 billion! Shall I take you there?

Oh, fuck you! I'll look out for my own neck!

But next year, I may take my own intelligent holiday!

Brava! Let us know how it goes!

- Enrico, you've loaded everything? - Yes, I got it all. - Come on!

Climb in, Augusta!

Goodbye, everyone! You should all take an intelligent holiday!