Original subtitles

- Are you ready, kids?

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants! - Ready?

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

[ukulele music]

♪ ♪

- I'm Karen, the Blue Fairy.

And this tale lacks class, for it's the story of...

[mystical chiming]

"The Big Bad Bubble Bass."

[gentle music]

- [snoring]

[clock ticking]

- Evil! Evil! [alarm ringing]

- Hmm.

[yelps]

[groans]

Oh, rapturous day!

Today my collection will be completed.

At long last, Pigulon,

leader of the Swine Force 3 Action Team, will be mine.

And I know just what to wear.

Ah. [wolf howling]

Behold, Wolfman Boy,

mortal enemy of the Swine Force 3.

[chuckling]

[groans]

[growls]

[grunting]

Ohh!

- Hours later, as the story goes,

Bubble Bass arrived still adjusting his clothes.

- [laughs] Hmm?

[buzzer blares] Sold out?

Sorry?

Not really?

Oh, this can't be happening!

Without Pigulon my life is over.

[sobbing]

- Oh, boy, Patrick.

I can't believe we got the very last Pigulon.

- Yeah. Let's play with him.

- Ahh!

Not Pigulon's precious packaging.

There goes half his value!

- Hmm. [chuckles]

It's a good scratcher.

- Ugh.

There goes the other half.

This cannot stand.

I must liberate Pigulon

from the clutches of those buffoons.

[growls]

- [chuckling]

- Pardon me, good sirs.

I couldn't help but notice your Pigulon action figure.

Might I buy, trade, or swindle him from you?

- Oh, he's all yours, Bubble Bass.

Anything for a friend.

- [gasps]

- Hey, wait!

I wanna play with the pig man.

He's mine too!

- Oh, sorry. I forgot.

Patrick and I both chipped in to buy Pigulon.

Welp, see you later.

[laughter]

- By the gods of nerd-dom

I will acquire that Pigulon.

No matter what!

- So Bubble Bass plotted, his courage he'd found,

as he ranted and raved with no one around.

- Be gone, vile machine! - Uh-oh!

- I have a toy to rescue.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, hello, mysterious stranger.

How may I help you?

- The Toy Inspector.

I'll have to take any dangerous toys

found on your premises back to the station for questioning.

- Dangerous toys?

[gasps]

You better come in right away! - Uh.

- [gasping]

- Yes, now where do you keep

your meager allotment of playthings?

- Oh, over here in the vault.

- Uh, vault?

[keypad beeping]

- Ahh.

[groans]

[light flute music]

[steam hissing]

[vault rattling]

- [groans] - Let's start, shall we?

We've got a lot of toys to get through.

Luckily, I alphabetized them.

This is Aaron Aardvark.

Is he dangerous?

- Ow!

No.

- This is Abbie Aardvark.

Is she dangerous?

- Ouch! No.

- This is Albert Aardvark.

Is he dangerous?

- No. It's fine!

[groans] [flames crackling]

- And on to the Ps.

This is Porktastic Pigulon.

Is he dangerous?

- [gasps] Oh, yes!

He's very dang--

- Oops! I went out of order.

This is Perilous Percival.

Is he dangerous?

- Uh...

ahh-ahh!

[fireworks booming]

both: Ooh.

[doorbell rings]

- Yes, hello.

I'm a world-famous ghost hunter.

And I've detected a massive haunting

occurring within your domicile.

I'll have to scan your home to pinpoint the possessed item.

both: Ooh.

- Mm-hmm. Lots of ghost activity.

- There is?

- Yes.

Beep, beep, beep.

[gasps] [both gasp]

- Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

This is it! This item contains

a malevolent spirit!

both: Oh, no, not Pigulon!

- I'll have to take him back to the lab

for spectral containment.

- [chuckles] No need.

- Yeah, we'll banish that ghost for you right here!

both: Alsi kun-sushi

ilani amshiti!

Alsi ku nushi ilani mushiti!

Alsi ku nushi ilani! - [roars]

- [gasps]

- Who dares banish me from this plane?

- He started it.

[roars]

- [screams] No, no, no!

No, no!

- Yay, Pigulon is saved! - Hee-hee!

- [grumbling]

ScumBob! Putrick!

You blithering fools better hand over Pigulon

or I'll chug, and I'll glug, and I'll belch your house down!

[growls] - Nobody's home.

- Hmm? [growls]

Time for some Fizz Bomb burp fuel.

[inhales deeply]

[belches]

- Ooh.

- Meow.

[both screaming]

- I said hand over Pigulon,

or I'll chug, and I'll glug, and I'll belch your house down.

Again! - Good luck.

I built this rock entirely out of rock.

[raspberries]

- [grumbles]

Let's turn up the heat.

[belches]

[both groan]

- They just don't make rocks the way they used to.

[both screaming]

- Squidward, Squidward! - Squid, Squid!

- Let us in! Come on! - Squid, Squid!

- Not interested. - Waa!

- [groans] Whoa.

- Oh, oh! - [groans]

- Argh! Hey.

What part of "not interested" don't you understand?

- Pardon me, Squidward.

I'm going to need that Pigulon doll

within your residence. - Argh.

I said not interested!

- [whimpers]

Then I'll chug, and I'll glug,

and I'll belch your house down too!

[boatmobile beeps]

[gulps]

[belches]

Huh?

[belches]

Huh?

[belches]

[sighs] Oh, oh.

I don't understand.

Those burps should have rendered his home

into stinky vapors.

- Sorry, Bubble Bass.

I just had my house SpongeBob-proofed.

[laughs]

- [babbling]

- Hmm.

- [groans]

- With his belching now foiled,

he had but one plan,

fun home to his mommy and cry like a man.

He wept like a fountain and lied to the ma'am.

Those boys were the bullies, and he her sweet lamb.

His mother was livid.

She screamed, and she spat,

"No villain should take her son's toy like that."

- [sobbing]

- I am so disappointed.

You should be belching at a tenth-grade level by now.

Let Mama show you how it's done.

- Here, Mother.

- Oh, I don't need that stuff.

[inhales deeply]

[belches]

all: Ahh!

[loud explosion]

[breezy upbeat music]

- [groaning]

- You boys had better give my Bubble Bass his toy back.

- B--but it's our toy.

- I have the receipt.

- Hmm. [gasps]

Hmm, Bubble Bass!

- M-M-Mama, th-th-that receipt must be a forgery.

- [inhales]

- No, Mama. Please!

I was just trying to-- - [belches]

- [gasps, screams]

[whimpering]

[sobbing]

- Hey, hey, don't cry.

We got something that might cheer you up.

- You do?

- Patrick and I want you to have Pigulon.

- [gasps] Oh, joy!

[laughs] Gimme, gimme, gimme.

- Ha, here you go. - [laughs]

- I know you'll love him.

We sure had fun playing with him.

- [sobbing]

- Well, Bubble Bass won, so he told himself

as he ran home to put his new doll on the shelf.

Squidward was forced to rebuild alone.

His insurance won't cover belch damage to home.

- [growls] Hey, your fairy tale did this!

Get outta here!

- Ahh! Farewell!

Until next story time!

- Ahh!

Hmm?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, we had some good times, Trashy.

But you're gonna love the dump.

You'll make so many trashy new friends.

Ooh.

[laughs]

[grunts]

I'm gonna miss you.

Huh?

- [humming]

- Hi, Mrs. Puff!

- Ah!

I'm not here!

- Oops, my mistake.

Hi, Plankton!

Hi, Bubble Bass!

Hi, Mr. Mailman!

[together] We're not here.

- Huh, maybe I need glasses.

[hums]

[knocking]

- Fellow sponge sufferers,

the 431st We Hate SpongeBob Club

will now come to order.

And now our motto...

all: We don't mean SpongeBob any harm.

We just can't stand him.

- Does anyone have any new sponge-pain

they would like to share?

- How much time do you have? - I do!

- Oh, yes, I do. - I have to unwrap my package

of pain. - [laughing]

- Huh? Hold that agony.

- Hello, Squidward!

- Proceed.

- Ahem, I have some misfortune to share.

- The chair recognizes sufferer Puff.

Please receive the Speaking Sponge.

- It all began last week. both: ♪ La-la-la ♪

- I was enjoying one of my favorite things,

awarding a student their driver's license.

You've passed your driver's exam, Bertie.

- [gasps] - Congratulations.

- I couldn't have done it without you, Mrs. Puff.

[laughs] I bet you can teach anyone.

- [laughs] Oh.

Hmm? - [cackling]

- Almost anyone.

- Nice license. - [whimpers]

- Can I touch it?

[laughs] - Ew, gross!

[straining]

Ow! [loud crash]

- Well, looks like you have an opening

in your schedule, Mrs. Puff.

- I tried to leave,

but we all know there is no escape from...

[whimpers]

SpongeBob.

- [cackling]

[tires squealing]

[engine revving]

- Ah! Ooh.

- Accelerate safely into traffic.

[engine roars]

Now for a 360-point turn!

[cackling]

Ahh!

[tires screeching]

Oops. Almost ran a stop sign.

Whoa!

- Ohh-ohh-ohh!

Ahh!

Oof.

SpongeBob destroyed my beautiful school.

Just like last week!

[sobbing]

- It's okay.

We're here for you.

Who would like to share next?

- I would.

I'd like to share a hug.

- Looks like you could use a stamp!

- I believe that I am next

in the roundelay.

My speaking sponge, please.

Hmm.

I was at the Krusty Krab to grab a light snack

between first and second lunch.

- Order up, oh, valued customer.

- Ah, finally sustenance for my starving stomach.

- I hope it's perfect.

- Ahh...

- [gasps] - Huh?

- It's not perfect!

It's too greasy!

- [groans] Hmm.

- And this fry isn't greasy enough!

- Try as I might-- [coughs]

SpongeBob would not let me consume a single calorie.

I tried to take a sip of soda to slake my thirst.

- [gasps]

[dramatic music]

- [slurping]

- Bleh.

- Not fizzy enough!

- [growls]

That perforated pest wouldn't let me taste a morsel

of Krabby Patty.

Ahh!

Give me back my patty, you festering fusspot!

- [gasps] I can't.

- [growls]

- [panting] The sesame seeds are misaligned,

and the lettuce has too many wrinkles!

The tomato has lost its sheen!

- Let me eat, you insufferable interrupter!

Victory is mine!

[gulps]

[cackling]

- [groans]

- A-ooga!

- [cackling]

[munching]

A tad spongy, but not bad.

[stomach rumbles] Ooh.

That fry cook has given me a slight case of...

[gulps] indigestion.

[stomach rumbles]

Oh. - [grunting]

I shall let no customer eat a less-than-perfect patty.

Oh.

Ahh.

I forgot my hat.

- Ahh!

[gulps]

That squishy simpleton left my navel in knots.

- [grunting] You call that suffering?

I'll tell you a truly terrifying tale.

It was a dark and spongy night.

I was working peacefully in my lab

on my newest invention to, uh, help fishkind?

Yeah, that's it.

Yes, my terrible toilet paper will wipe Bikini Bottom

off the face of the ocean!

[laughs] Plus it's quilted.

[cackling]

- [laughing] - Huh?

Eh. [cackling]

- [laughing]

- Why does something always ruin a good evil laugh?

- [laughing] - Huh?

But then I saw it.

A wild SpongeBob had gotten into my lab.

- [cawing]

- Karen!

It got in again!

- Did you leave the window open again?

- [cawing]

- Ah! It's in my mainframe!

- [squawks] - Oh, you dirty bird.

Get down from there! Git!

- [cawing]

- [groaning]

- [squawks]

Ahh!

- Come on, Lazybones.

Sweep it out the door.

- [groaning]

- [babbling]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Ahh!

Whoa-oh-oh!

- Ah!

[both groan]

- [laughing]

- [straining]

He's locked us out!

[sobbing]

[thunder booming]

- So if you hear that horrible sound

of a SpongeBob, just run.

[groans]

[muffled] Run for your lives.

- [babbling] [all gasp]

- Calm down.

My AC is just acting up again.

- Whew. - Thank Neptune.

- You think you all have it bad?

Wait until you hear my tale of spongy terror

in real time.

Three, two, one.

[doorbell rings] Hmm.

He had arrived.

[eerie music]

all: Huh?

- But there was no one there.

Perhaps it was nothing.

Or was SpongeBob already in the house?

♪ ♪

- Could I borrow a cup of saltwater?

- [sighs]

Here.

Of course, the saltwater was just a ruse

to come inside uninvited.

- Ooh. [all gasp]

Are you having a party?

- Naturally, SpongeBob lost no time

annoying everyone in the room.

- Hi, Mrs. Puff.

I can't wait until my next lesson.

- Eww.

- Mailman, I gotta tell ya,

every package from you is a special delivery.

Let's catch up soon, huh?

- [groans] - Looking fit, Bubble Bass.

Been pumping the iron, huh?

And, Plankton, has anyone ever told you

that you have the loveliest eye?

- Of course, if SpongeBob was around,

his pointy pink pal couldn't be far behind.

- Ah.

You're out of punch.

- [growls]

- Don't worry, Squidward. I'll mix up a batch

of my special pineapple punch.

- [growls]

- It's homemade.

Made out of the walls of my home.

[laughs]

- Oof!

And no SpongeBob story would be complete

without him destroying something.

- I've got pineapple punch!

Whoa!

[electricity crackling]

[all screaming]

- Oops.

- The end.

[siren wailing]

- Where are we gonna finish our club meeting now?

- Ahem.

I know a place you could have your meeting.

[all groan]

- Who's ready for hors d'oeuvres?

Watch out for the--

- [gulps]

- Toothpicks. - Phooey.

We're all out of speaking sponges.

- Oh, no, you're not.

There's one left.

[babbling]

- And I was... [coughs]

Coughing up his mail for weeks.

[coughs]

[breezy upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I declare this meeting

of the We Hate SpongeBob Club adjourned.

Bang.

[groans]