Original subtitles

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

[strange gurgling]

[creature groaning, growling]

[hollering]

- Be quiet down there or I'm calling the cops!

[both grunt] both: What?

- [sighs] I said, be quiet

or I'm calling the-- [babbling]

[screaming]

[loud crash]

[groaning]

Oh, my house.

My shelter! My life!

both: My, my, my.

- [grunts] [both exclaim]

- So, who you gonna stay with

till you find a new house, Squidward?

Me or Patrick?

- I wouldn't stay with either of you two idiots

if the entire ocean was on fire

and you were the only ones with water.

- So there's a chance! - Huh?

[growls] [angry muttering]

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

[goofy babbling]

[lonesome western music]

[water swishing]

[sighs] Roughing it ain't so rough.

[grunts]

[ominous music]

[thunder crashing]

Huh?

Too rough! [sighs]

Oh, I guess it's Patrick.

[goofy grunting]

[lighthearted music]

- [grunts] - [hollers]

- [grunts] Identify myself!

- [grunts]Patrick?

- That is correct. May I ask who's calling?

Oh, hi, Squidward! - [grunts]

- [babbles]

- So, um, I've decided to take you up

on your generous invitation.

- What about my generator's vitamin?

- Oh, good grief.

I'm staying with you, you moron!

Um, that is, if you'll have me.

- Oh, boy!

Squidward's staying over! Squidward's staying over!

Sibley shining smine-mine! - [grunting]

[laughing, babbling] - [grunting]

- Leedle-leedle-leedle-leedle! - [sighs]

- You can take my bed, Squiddy, old buddy.

- Well, um, maybe it won't be so bad staying here after all.

- Sleep tight, don't let the sand mites bite.

But if they do, just let me know and I'll smash 'em!

- [sighs] Um...

[sniffs] Huh.

♪ ♪

[slurps]

Uh-huh. [sighs]

♪ ♪

Hmm. [snoring]

♪ ♪

[stammers] What?

Oh, a leaky rock?

- [snoring]

♪ ♪

[air whistling]

- Oh, you titanic twit, get down from there!

- [gasps] I'll smash them for you, Squidward!

[hollers]

Squidward? Where are you?

- In your navel.

- [grunting] - [gasps]

- [laughs] That tickles.

[rooster crows]

- [grunts, yawns]

Hmm? What is this place?

[exclaims, sniffs]

[gasps] Huh?

[sniffing, babbling]

Squidward, did you do all this?

- Well, I figured if I have to stay here,

I might as well make it livable.

Lard cake?

- If you make me lard cakes every morning, Squiddy,

you can do anything you want.

[groans] - Ah-ah-ah-ah.

The etiquette spoon says, "Eat like a gentleman."

- Ah, a gentleman.

[grunts, sighs]

- Watch me, idiot.

A gentleman eats like this.

[goofy exclamations]

- [goofy exclamations]

- Holy halibut, can he actually be taught?

I can mold him.

I can squeeze this lump of clay

into a cultured sophisticate.

I will make you the most tolerable roommate

of all time!

You'll be my "roommate-sterpiece!"

- Oh, more lard cakes, please!

- [humming]

[grunts]

- [grunts] - [exclaims]

- [chuckles]

♪ ♪

- [sighs] - Huh?

- Oh! - [grunts]

[laughs] - [exclaims]

[playing scales]

- [gasps] [playing discordant scales]

[playing mellow tune]

[gasps]

[plays discordant note]

Oh![grunts]

[lighthearted music]

- Hmm.

[gasps] Aha!

[grunts]

[blows kiss, sighs]

- [blows kiss] - [chuckles]

[both giggling]

[dramatic music]

[all chattering]

[both playing rousing tune]

- Culture lovers,

welcome to the Classy Kiosk!

- I am Squid-tacular,

and this is my protégé, Patrick Panache.

- He taught me everything I blow!

[plays discordant note]

- And now, get ready to...

both: Feel the art!

[both grunt]

- [sighs] [grunting]

Yes... [muttering inaudibly]

♪ ♪

[crowd booing]

- [babbling] [all gasp]

[all chattering, cheering]

♪ ♪

- What?

Hey, watch me, everyone!

I will now bedazzle your dazzlers

with interpretative dance!

[babbling]

[crowd grumbling]

[lighthearted jazzy music]

♪ ♪

[grunts] - My turn!

[babbling]

[lively orchestral music]

[all gasp, cheering]

- What the--

- Who knew that Patrick could dance like an angel?

[laughs] Bravo, bravo!

- Oh, Mr. Krabs, you dropped this.

- Oop, thanks.[laughs]

- Patrick Panache! Patrick Panache!

- You make a better Squidward than Squidward does.

[laughs]

- [imitating Squidward] I do?

- Huh? - [laughs]

[sighs] [laughter]

- Hey, stop making those noises!

Those are my noises![sighs]

- [sighs] - Huh?

- [laughs] - [growls]

- [laughs] - [growls]

- [laughs] - Hey-hey!

Patrick is the best Squidward! all: Huzzah!

[all cheering]

- So, Squidward, what do you think

of your new protégé, huh?

- New protégé... [growling]

He stinks!

And he's not a better me!

He's an imposter. - Hmm.

Well, if Patrick makes a better Squidward,

maybe you'd make a better Patrick.

[laughs] - [scoffs]

Yeah, right, "I would make a better Patrick."

[stammers] Wait a minute, that's it!

That'll teach him. Oh, thanks, SpongeBob.

- Mm. - [smooches]

- Oh, wait a minute, Squidward, you dropped your chee--

[sniffs, gags] [groans]

- [groans, sighs]

Well, Patrick, time for another lovely day

in the flower garden of life.

[sighs] - [babbling]

I love you, brick.[grunts]

I love you, brick. [grunts]

I love you, brick.[grunts]

- Squidward, you kelp head,

what did you do to my beautiful house?

- Define "do."

[grunts] - [hollers]

Don't put my art up your nose, you cretin!

- [babbles]

[gulps] I might need that someday.

Duh... - [sighs]

I'll play the old licorice stick.

That always soothes my nerves.

[yelps] - [munching]

Doesn't taste like licorice.

- My clarinet!

No!

- [spits] Oh, sorry, you want some?

- Ah-ah-ah!

The etiquette spoon came back

and he says, "Eat like a gentlemen."

- [goofy babbling] - [laughing]

- Um--um, I'm going to go play

with my best friend SpongeBob.

[laughing]

- Yeah, you do that

while I take a Pat nap.

[sighs]

[grunts] [both laughing]

[grunts] What are those ninnies up to now?

- [laughs] I told you

you'd make a great Patrick, Squidward!

- [laughing]

- Pipe down, you two!

- Hey, Patrick, heads up!

[grunts] - Ooh!

both: Bull's-eye! [both laughing]

- I said be quiet, you two, or I'm calling the--

[gulps] Mud.

Puddle!

[grunts, babbles]

[gasps, sighs]

[laughs] Hey!

[grunts]

- [spits] He's Patrick again!

Finally!

both: Squidward, look!

- [goofy babbling]

It's the new house I ordered!

No more Patrick!

[upbeat music]

all: Yay!

[clattering]

[all groan, grunt]

both: Huh?

- [groans]

both: Whoo! - [laughs]

- Good-night, SpongeBob. - Night, Patrick.

both: Good-night, Squidward.

[both smooch]

- [sobbing]

[mellow tropical music]

♪ ♪