Original subtitles

- Maybe I'll do a cute little button.

Or something a bit more manly perhaps.

[grunts]

Upturned might be good, too.

[grunting]

- Hi, Squidward.

- Great. The idiot found me.

- Whatcha doing? - I'm picking a nose.

- Ooh! I used to pick my nose too,

until I finally cleared it out.

- I'm not picking my nose, SpongeBob.

I'm on the way to the hospital for a nose job.

Plastic surgery.

I'm finally gonna get the nose

I should have been born with.

- [gasps] But, Squidward, you're a beautiful flower.

You don't need to change a--ay--yay--yay--ay--

Well, maybe a little work wouldn't hurt.

Hey, you want a ride? - With you? Absolutely not.

- Aww, come on, Squidward.

I can get you there lickity-split.

[siren blaring]

[both grunting]

- You can't dump your garbage here, sir.

- Oh, that's not garbage. That's my friend, Squidward.

We're here to check in.

- Holy nostroly! You must be here for the nose job.

Let's, uh, get your paperwork filled out.

- You just relax, sir.

The doctor will be ready for you soon.

- [inhales deeply] Ah. This is nice.

- Never fear, Squidward.

Soon this dreary old room will be so full of well-wishing

you'll never want to go home.

- Five minutes later.

- [grunting] SpongeBob, get this garbage out of here.

I can hardly move.

- Oh, are you uncomfortable? Here, let me help.

- [screaming]

- I love you. - The bed is fine!

- Fluff your pillow? - No.

- Fluff your IV bag? - [grunting]

Enough, you buffoon!

- Well, gee, Squidward, I was just trying to be helpful.

- If you want to help so badly,

why don't you just go volunteer to be a candy striper?

There's plenty of other people in the hospital

you could torture.

- Squidward, that's a great idea.

I was born to serve.

Hello, lady, can I be a candy striper here at the--

- Grab a uniform out of the closet.

- Ooh, thank you! Thank you! Whoo!

Ooh! Candy stripes.

[gulps] Strawberry.

- Ah, Doctor, Thank goodness you're here.

- We were just looking for another physician

to join us on our rounds.

And what seems to be the problem today?

- [coughing] My throat hurts.

- Prescribe him a numbing throat spray.

Let's move on, shall we? - Wait a second.

I think I've seen this before.

Mm, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I'll need one medical sea-chicken.

- [squawks]

- [giggling, laughing]

[coughing]

Hey, my keys. And my throat feels better.

- You see, doctors, catfish are bottom feeders.

The dirt on his face led me to believe

he had recently eaten something that irritated his throat.

Happens to my friend Patrick all the time.

[grunts] Mm-hmm.

Try a krabby patty next time, sir.

They go down smooth, and they taste better than car keys.

- Thanks doc. - No need to thank me, sir.

I'm here to help.

- What treatment might you prescribe

for this next patient, Doctor?

- So what do you think?

Will I be able to run

in the Bikini Bottom marathon next week?

- Oh, my, no. I'm afraid you're--

- Of course. Friends don't let friends miss marathons.

We'll have you up in no time.

Ah!

- What are you-- [both grunting]

- Most unorthodox.

- He's a genius.

- Thanks, doc. - Ready, set.

[horn blaring]

- And what seems to be your problem today, ma'am?

- Sometimes I Just don't have it in me

to puff up under my own power.

- Hi, Mrs. Puff. - No! Not you!

[whimpering] What are you doing here?

- Don't worry, Mrs. Puff. I'm a doctor...today.

What is this crazy thing?

Looks like some sort of weird submarine.

- You're kidding, of course.

We've placed her in an iron lung to help puff her back up.

- Ha-ha! Dive! Dive! Up periscope!

Load the torpedoes. [imitates farting]

[laughing]

- Help me. [screaming]

- Hey! [all screaming]

- My legs!

- Never fear, Mrs. Puff.

I haven't lost a patient all day.

Let's get medical.

- [grunting]

[both screaming]

- Oh, no.

- [grunting]

Oh. Actually, I feel like my old self again.

But you still don't get a driver's license.

Oh!

- Wow. I've never seen anyone work an iron lung like that.

- So awesome.

- We were on our way to perform a surgery...

- But we would be honored to watch you perform it.

- Me? Perform a surgery?

- Oh, yeah, this is the life.

And best of all, there's no SpongeBob here to ruin it.

- Oh, boy, surgery. And on my first day too.

- SpongeBob? No! What are you doing here?

- Nighty night, Mr. Tentacles.

- Wait, wait, no, no, no, no!

[snoring]

- Oh, hi, everybody. all: Hi, SpongeBob.

- Doctor, the patient's over here,

and he's ready for you to begin.

- Oh, we're most eager to see which tool you select first.

- Hmm, mm--mm-mm--mm. Let me see.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Phew.

Here we go.

[triumphant music]

[yawning]

[humming]

all: Ooh! Ah!

- Okay, SpongeBob, this can't be too hard.

Just make an incision here, and--no!

Shoot! Son of a gun!

Ah, my bad.

- I'll take that.

- Ah-ha! Mmm, sushi.

[grunting]

Eeh.

He's uh, really going to pieces over this nose job.

[laughter]

Oh. [chuckles] Thank you.

Let's try again, shall we?

[whistling]

Order up!

[laughter and applause]

Yow! That shouldn't be in there.

Ooh!

[grunting]

What?

Oh.

- Ta-da!

[cheers and applause]

- [groaning]

Nurse, sponge.

- [giggling]

- Thank you, nurse.

- I can't see! I can't see!

I want to see! [grunting]

I still can't see.

[grunting]

[organ music]

- Ta da!

[cheers and applause]

[humming]

There we go.

You can wake him up now, nurse.

- [groaning] What--what happened?

- I finished your nose job, you silly goose.

Take a look.

- SpongeBob, you idiot.

This isn't even close to what I wanted.

- Well, why didn't you say so? Oh, nurse!

- Wait, no, no, no! I want a different doctor. I--

No.

No. No.

No. No.

No. No.

No! No.

No. No--o--o--o--o!

Stop! I don't want to change my nose anymore.

SpongeBob, I'll do anything. Anything at--

- How's about the Squidward Classic?

- Hey, not bad.

This looks even better than my old nose.

- Well, I did have to use a few of your other body parts

to re-sculpt it.

D'oh! Look at the time. I have to go to work.

- But you're a doctor. You're at work.

- No, I'm just a fry cook.

But it was fun playing with you guys. Bye!

- Fry cook? Ooh.

- Don't be afraid, ladies.

This sinus Adonis is on the market.

[both gasping]