Original subtitles

[upbeat dramatic music]

*

- The Aquaphone, the Mermalair's telecommunication

device connecting city hall

with the underwater crime-fighting

hero, Mermaid Man.

- Yello?

- Never mind. It's just this idiot.

- Argh!

- By the power of Neptune...

both: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy unite!

- To the invisible boatmobile.

- Yay.

[both imitating engine revving]

- This must be the secret lair of an evil villain.

- You're right.

- Wah-ha!

[grunting]

- [giggling]

- [humming]

- Oh!

Looks like there's evil afoot.

- And littering is a crime. - What?

I thought I had my house sponge-and-star-proofed.

- Hey, Squidward, want to play Mermaid Man

and Barnacle Boy with us?

- No!

Now, please fall and get seriously hurt.

both: Ahh!

- Ugh! Oof!

- I'm sure I've heard that "no" before.

- Holy something, Mermaid Man. You can't mean--

- Yes, my young, pink ward.

It's none other than...

Doctor Negative.

- * I hate SpongeBob, and I hate Patrick *

- It's that denying desperado's siren song.

- * Loathing SpongeBob, scorning Patrick la-la-la-la-la-la *

- He's obviously raising an army of mutant vegetables.

And that song he's singing...

both: Will bring them to life.

- [whistling]

both: Hyah!

- [grunting]

Although our foes were evil,

their nutrition did not go to waste, Doctor Negative.

- We're watching you.

- That's it!

I'm gonna clobber you two!

- Hey, Squidward, do you hear that?

[whistle blowing]

You better hurry up or you'll be late for work.

- Yeah, you better do something or whatever.

- [groaning]

[grunting]

Ohh.

- Ahh-ahh-ahh!

- * Mermaid Man, our hero Barnacle Boy, you too *

- * Mermaid Man, crime-fighter Barnacle Boy, makes do *

- * Evil found its match today

* Underwater justice and fair play *

both: *Super plan, garbage can, minivan, Mermaid Man *

- Ahh!

Will you two shut up about that stupid show?

- Oh, did you say something negative, Doctor Negative?

- What the--how did--

- I heard him say something negative.

[toilet flushing]

- Mermaid Man, that injured victim's bandages

have come undone.

- That poor man needs aid...

of the first variety.

- [gasps]

- Oh, we forgot the peroxide.

- [grunting]

- That should hold you until the surgeons

can amputate your torso.

- Hmmph. [mumbling]

both: Justice restored!

- Hey, super dorks, your turn to take out the garbage.

- All right, Dr. Negative, we'll play

along and take it out.

Hiyah!

- [gasps]

Why are all my tables empty?

Why am I not making money?

- Because these two costumed creeps chased them out.

[both grunting]

- Oh. Mr. Squidward, step into me office.

- Uh-oh, Patrick.

I think we got Squidward in trouble.

- I'm gonna share a secret with you that I never told anyone.

- Uh, that's okay. I don't need to hear a...

Hmm?

- Ha! Ha-ha. You're a comic book geek.

- Ahh!

Don't touch those.

They're mint condition, worth a fortune.

- So you read comics. Don't worry.

Lots of perfectly immature adults read comics.

- Oh, it's deeper than that.

I sewed it meself.

It's Captain Tightwad from issue 53.

They say he's a bad guy, but, you know,

I think he's just misunderstood.

- Oh, look at that. I think I left my oven on.

- I had some fabric left over, so I made this.

- Oh, don't tell me... Doctor Negative?

- Ahoy, you high-sea halfwits.

[both gasp]

- Tremble before Captain Tightwad!

Squidward.

- And cower in fear of Doctor Negative.

- Holy shrimp.

This is the best day of my life.

[dramatic music]

*

both: Whoa! Oh!

Whoa-ho! Whoa!

*

- What're you waiting for? - Augh!

Ugh!

[grunting]

Ugh! Ow! Ow!

[both grunting]

- Hyahhh!

- Why are we fighting Captain Tightwad?

He didn't even commit a crime.

- What--what do you mean?

- Oh, Mr. Krabs, it's right here in

"Mermaid Man" number 98.

"No superhero shall fight a super villain

until that super villain has committed a crime."

- Uh...well...hey.

Ha-ha, see?

I just stole some money.

- Well, it's not really stealing if it's your own money.

- Oh, come on.

What do--what do I have to do here?

- Ahh-ahh-ahh!

- Are you sure about this?

Isn't robbing a bank against the law?

- Well, yes, Mr. Krabs, but you're not really

robbing a bank. You're just pretending to.

- And then we can play? - Yep.

- Oh, okay.

Ahoy.

Anyone home?

It's Captain Tightwad and Doctor Negative.

We're here to rob you.

Anyone here? Hello?

- [snoring]

Barnacled nickels.

Can I help you ladies?

- Oh, yeah, thanks, old-timer.

Um, we're pretending to rob this bank.

Where's the tellers? Where's the money?

- Ain't no tellers.

ATM's outside.

both: Heh-heh-heh-heh.

- Aw, barnacles. I forgot me debit card.

- Wait a minute.

I don't care if you are ladies.

Nobody pretends to rob my bank.

- [roars] - Ahh!

- Ahh!

[grunting]

Ow!

Ehh...

- [mumbling]

- Whoa, you were so convincing.

You had that guard totally fooled.

I think we can skip to the end of the story.

Let's just stop here to pick up some props

for your evil lair.

We'll just need a few dollars... yoink!

- I'm supposed to be the villain,

so why do I feel like I'm being robbed?

[dramatic music]

- Okay Captain Tightwad...

Doctor Negative, you can come out now.

[cash register dings]

both: Ahh!

- [grunts]

- Okay, so here's the scene.

You two have us here in this cage over a pool of boiling oil.

Now, that is a crime.

Now you can let us out so we can fight.

- Oh, I don't think we're going to do that.

- Hey, wha-wha-wha-what are you doing?

- Being evil.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Aren't you scared?

Boo-hoo?

- Boo-hoo? Do you expect us to cry?

- No, Mr. Bob.

I expect you to fry.

[laughs]

- [laughs]

Ha-ha, ha-ha, hmm.

Okay, Squidward, playtime's over.

This is getting a little intense here.

- Too long have I suffered living between you two ninnies.

But now-- now as Doctor Negative,

I shall finally exact my exquisite revenge!

[laughs]

[both chuckling]

- See, I just knew he'd make a terrific bad guy.

He is really committing.

- Yeah, you did a great job with casting.

- Could this be end of our Doofus Duo?

Deep-fried like two tenacious tater tots on tenterhooks?

- Swing, Boy Under. Swing the basket.

[both grunting]

both: Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh.

Ahhh!

[upbeat music]

*

- Oh, boy, Mr. Krabs.

That was the best Mermaid Man playdate ever.

- Yeah, not bad.

But next time, we won't go so easy on ya.

- Eh... maybe I'll just stick to

reading comics from now on.

both: To the Mermalair!

Ahh...oof!

- And so ends another numskulled episode

of that preposterous pair:

Mermaid Pants and Barnacle Star.

Tune in next time for more mind-rotting adventures.

I've really got to find another job.

I wonder if it's too late to go back to college radio?