Original subtitles

- Are you ready, kids?

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- * Ohh... *

* Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? *

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- * Absorbent and yellow and porous is he *

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- * If nautical nonsense be something you wish *

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- * Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish *

all: SpongeBob SquarePants! - Ready?

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

*

[waves crashing]

[lively tropical music]

*

- Wow, another Mermaid Man reboot.

It's how I always reimagined the reboot would be remade.

Ooh, cold knees.

- Oh, you say you got cold knees?

Icy joints, Siberian patellas?

What you need is a pair of long pants.

- Long pants?

Well, I don't think I'm ready for long pants.

- Nonsense.

No fella should walk around with shiver shins.

Give yourself a leg up.

Join the trouser troops.

all chanting: Hup, hup, hup!

- Don't be a slacker. Wear slacks.

- Uh, well, I don't--uh...

Okay!

How do I look?

- Excuse me, sir,

I was just talking to a little, baby,

schoolboy a second ago.

About yea high.

Wh--wh--what? It's you!

I didn't recognize you with your mature,

grown-up, long pants.

- You're pulling my leg, Mister.

I don't look like a man.

Do I?

- Hey, man.

- He called me a man!

And my knees are a perfect 72 degrees.

- [clicks tongue]

[all gasping, exclaiming]

[jazzy music]

*

[all exclaiming]

- You can see who wears the pants in here!

- Is that my daddy?

- I wish.

- Uh, excuse me, sir.

That door is for employees only.

Oh, SpongeBob.

Hmm. [sniffing]

There is something different about you today.

You seem more able-bodied.

- Well, must be the long pants.

- [squeals] So they are!

You run the register today.

In the galley with you, Mr. Squidward.

And start cooking.

- But Mr. Krabs, why?

- Well, just look.

SpongeBob's got long pants on,

and you've got...none.

all: Oh!

- Aah! [crashes]

- Oh, I could get used to this job.

Hey, Squidward, what's on sale this week?

- Nothing. There's never a sale.

- Squidward, how much is the senior discount?

- There's no senior discount.

[sizzling]

[grunting, groaning]

Aah! Ooh! Aah!

- Squidward? - What?

- What do I do when the register is $2,000 short?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, all right. That's enough.

I see it was a mistake to put you behind the register.

You're just looking too good for such insipid, menial work.

- [grouchy blubbering]

- You should be the maitre d'.

Greeting customers when they come in.

Charming the pants off of everyone

with your long pants.

- [laughing] Okay.

Hi. How are you?

Looking good.

Mustard with that? All right.

How is that patty treating you, sir?

- Are you an angel?

- No, merely a man.

A man in long pants.

- [loud gobbling]

[slurps, spits]

- Aah! Aah!

Aah!

- [slobbering]

- [gasps]

[whines]

Aah! Aah!

Oh, my precious long pants!

- What's wrong, slick?

You're not having trouble

with your pants, are you?

- Nothing like that, Mr. Krabs.

I just don't think I'm maitre d' material.

- Yeah, you're right.

You're too good for this place.

[customers belching]

- As much as I'd hate to admit it,

I've outgrown the Krusty Krab.

Time for me to move on.

[heroic music]

- [whistles]

*

- [sighs]

*

- Where is he going?

- A place called manhood.

- Doris, I insist.

- Don't be silly.

- Allow me, ladies.

I should pay.

After all, I am a man.

And I'm wearing... [whistles]

- What an inseam.

- And those pleats were pretty easy on the eyes.

[boat roaring]

- Ah, shrimp!

Oh, dry cleaning in one hour.

- Uh, ticket, please.

- Has it already been an hour?

One more time! [laughing]

[whistles] Ah, yeah.

[brakes squealing]

- Congratulations, you passed your driver's test.

- Wahoo!

- You know, I never took

the driver's test with long pants.

I'll do it!

- There goes a real man.

- Let's try parallel parking.

Now take it slow.

A little faster.

Oh! Oh! Whoa! Ugh!

[metal crashing]

- Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this.

- I was gonna fail you and send you to jail,

but because of those long pants,

and all the blood rushing to my head, you pass.

- I finally got my driver's license.

- Oh, oh! Lock your doors.

Bar your windows. It's the end of the world!

- Help wanted?

Now this seems like a long pants establishment.

Today's special is a most amusing Indian Ocean

sea grass, handpicked by indigenous prawns,

pre-chewed by local manatees

and then smothered in a rich, red algae.

[all muttering]

- Extraordinary.

And may I add, those are very

impressive britches you're wearing.

- Britches?

Oh, these old things.

- What is your name?

- SpongeBob-- - [clears throat]

- SpongeRobert.

- Well, SpongeRobert, how would you like to join us?

We're going to a party.

- Boy, would I? I love parties!

[smug laughter]

[elegant music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

*

- What are you looking for, SpongeRobert?

- I'm looking for the party.

- This is the party.

*

- Well, where's the party hats?

Where's the cake and the clown?

You can't have a party without a clown.

- Oh, SpongeRobert.

If it weren't for your pants,

I'd take you for the type of immature ignoramus

that would frequent the Krusty Krab.

- [chuckles nervously] Yeah.

[dolphin chattering]

Hey, what's that?

The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie

is opening tonight!

Wow! I totally forgot.

Hey, guys, I've got an idea.

Let's all go to the Mermaid Man movie.

- [laughs]

You're incorrigible, but the cinema is a delightful idea.

There's a foreign film at the art house

I've been meaning to see.

It's called, "The Table."

[high-pitched whistling]

[glass shattering]

[cat meowing]

- I don't get it.

We've been staring at this table for three hours.

That table could use a cleaning.

- Shh!

Some people are trying to enjoy lé cinema.

- Oh, hey, Squidward.

Hey, do you understand what this movie's about?

- Nobody does. It's art.

Now sit down!

- Hey, Squidward? - What?

- Are you remembering to flip the patties clockwise?

It's very important because the heat--

- Please, sit down!

- I'm sorry, sir.

You're being too loud.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

- Uh, wait, Squidward!

I'll walk you out!

- [grumbling]

- Squidward!

- Hey, SpongeBob!

Y'all going to see the Mermaid Man movie with us?

- SpongeRobert, yoo-hoo.

Are you coming?

We're going to drink some more coffee

and watch the nightly news.

- Wow, that sounds pretty grown up, SpongeRobert.

- My pants say yes, yes, yes,

but my heart says no.

I wanna see the Mermaid Man movie.

- [laughs] Now you really sound like

one of those nitwits that frequents the Krusty Krab.

- Not only am I one of those nitwits,

I actually work there!

[angelic chorus]

- Ugh! A peasant in long pants.

- Social-climbing sponge.

- Poser!

- Let's leave this bottom-feeder.

- Attaboy!

I got you a ticket just in case.

- [gasps] Really?

[exciting music]

- I'm sorry, you can't come in.

This movie is too silly

for a cultivated gentleman of your pant length.

House rules.

- What?

"Rated for those in knee-highs only"?

Oh, I hate these pants!

[grunting]

[grunts]

Get off!

[horn blaring, tires screeching]

Aah! Oh!

[crashes]

Ah, now I know I'm an adult,

because I've been ripped off by these defective pants.

[sobbing]

- What's going on?

How pathetic.

A man in long pants crying.

- [sighing, sniffling]

Mr. Krabs, why aren't you watching the movie?

- How can I watch the movie

with all this blubbering going on out here?

- Oh, Mr. Krabs, I'm not ready for long pants.

I want my short pants back,

but I can't because these are stuck on me.

- Oh, for Pete's sake.

Sorry about the legs, boy.

- [laughs] It's okay.

I'm a sponge, remember?

- [laughs] Well, good!

Then I want you back on the grill tomorrow morning.

And if it makes you feel any more manly,

you can do your grilling outdoors.

- Sounds great!

And I'll be driving to work.

- Wait a minute!

Oh, no, you don't.

Not with those short pants.

[grunting]

- I don't know what that was all about,

but I'm glad it's over.