Original subtitles

*

[bubbling]

- [sniffs]

Nope, nothing.

I can't smell a cent or a dollar or any money

in a five-mile radius.

We might as well shut her down early.

- Eee!

- Just as soon as that guy finishes his meal.

- You mean the guy who's been nursing a single fry

for the last hour?

- When he goes, you can go.

- [growls]

- [slurping noises]

- Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be

having trouble masticating.

Here, let me help you.

- [chewing noises and grunting]

[gulps]

- What, no tip?

Finally, yes!

Leaving early,

I can't believe this is finally happening.

[thunder rumbles]

[yelps]

'Cause it's not.

- Oh, my.

That's quite a storm.

You know, a storm like this puts me in the mind

of me old Navy days.

- Old Navy days? Ooh!

- That gives me a fine idea, SpongeBob.

Since it looks like we're gonna be stuck here a while,

why don't you pull up a barrel, me laddies,

while I regale you with a thrilling tale

of me mysterious, salty past.

There now, the lights are properly dimmed.

Feast yourself on these slightly expired

soda crackies as I spin you a yarn that puts

hair on your chest.

- I don't want any hair on my chest.

- Ooh, I do.

[crunches]

- It was a day just like this one.

The wind was howling!

And me ship was being tossed about

like a ragdoll on a trampoline.

I was in the galley, cooking up grub

for me crew to keep their mind off this horrible squall.

*

It was just then that he burst into the galley!

- Who he?

- The man whose mission was to make my life

a living nightmare.

The roughest, toughest, scaliest old barnacle

that ever roamed the briny deep.

He was me commanding officer

and he loathed me with the white hot hatred

of a psychotic madman!

They called him "Captain Scarfish"!

- Hello! - [yelps]

- Stand at attention, Mr. Krabs.

I want you to tell me the meaning of this.

- Oh, that, sir?

Why, sir, that's a sea cucumber sandwich, sir,

with the crusts cut off, sir.

A little booshee amusee for the boys, sir.

- This is the Navy, son.

We don't cut the crusts off.

We eat the crusts and throw the rest away.

- But that's-- that's madness.

- [chewing noises]

I'm telling you for the last time,

you're gonna have to stop making your food so delicious!

- But I don't know how!

- Well, you better figure it out.

I need my men wild-eyed and hungry, Krabs.

We've got a cargo hold full of suntan lotion, and--

- Wait.

You were transporting suntan lotion?

[laughs]

What SPF?

- I don't see what's so amusing about that,

Mr. Squidward.

We were a cargo ship

heading straight into pirate territory

with a fresh supply of suntan lotion

for shipwrecked sailors whose skin was chafed.

- [yawns]

- Chafed, Mr. Squidward!

- Chafed! - Chafed!

- Aye, sir, I understand, sir! Chafed.

- So tonight's meal is gonna be terrible,

you understand me? - Aye, sir.

- The worst you've ever made! - Aye, aye, sir.

- The kind of slop that'll

put some steel in their spines! - Aye, aye, sir!

- Either that, or I'll throw you in the brig!

- Yes, sir.

[overlapping chatter]

[door opens]

all: Huzzah!

- Oh, don't huzzah yet, boys.

- What's on the menu tonight, eh?

- Slop.

[all laughing]

- Oh, slop, eh? Good one!

Why don't you put some of that delicious slop

right here on my--

Oh, I bet it's one of those things that looks bad,

but it tastes really--

[groans]

Bad.

- [grumbles] Sorry, boys.

Oh, Captain's orders.

- [retches]

- Oh, I can't stand it!

I don't care what the Captain says.

[triumphant music]

*

all: Huzzah!

Huzzah for Mr. Krabs!

Huzzah!

- What's all this huzzah-ing about?

- Oh, nothing, sir.

They just really enjoy eating slop.

Don't you, boys?

- Attention!

Hmm...

Looks like slop, all right.

But what's this?

- Cherries jubilee. all: Cherries jubilee!

- Cherries jubilee?

- Well, flaming cherries jubilee.

- Flaming? What are you trying to pull, you lubber?

This looks like regular cherries jubilee.

- Well, you see, sir, I was just gonna

take this here match and--

[gasps]

And so I found meself in the brig

with two guards watching me every move.

The one was as brutal and ugly a bounder

as you'd ever wish to see in your darkest nightmare.

- Garr, what are you looking at?

- But I thought I could dupe the other one,

should the need arise.

[train whistle toots] - [chuckles]

Gee, Mr. Krabs, that second guard sounds like

a real goofball!

- I managed to worm some useful information

out of him right away.

You see, he was an aspiring cook.

And I talked him into sneaking some things

down into the brig for me-- the tools of me trade,

you might say.

I set him to work on a spun-sugar cathedral

that took up most of his attention.

He never suspected that I was using the scraps

to fashion a candy key.

Where's your sourpuss friend tonight?

- Sick in bed, like all the men.

The captain's been feeding them nothing but moldy

old sandwich crusts.

They've all got terrible belly-aches.

Not me, though.

I cook for myself.

- Wise lad.

- [inhales]

[dolphin noises]

- And so, after a few hours

of bouncing off the walls,

the sugar finally wore off.

And soon, he was napping like a baby.

This was me chance to use me sweet key to freedom!

But did I dare take it?

I'd be in violation of the Naval Code.

Then something happened that made me mind up for me.

[explosion]

Pirates!

We were under attack!

I had to act fast.

Wake up, lad, wake up!

Man your battle stations!

[all groaning]

I was on me own.

I could see it all, a pirate ship,

and on that island, a crew of fine Naval men.

Our only hope, marooned on a beach

by those same scurvy pirates and suffering

from the effects of chafe, sunburn!

The pirates had already launched a boat

and were preparing to board our vessel.

- Row, you worthless dogs!

- Stand down, Krabs.

I'll have you in irons!

- Listen to me, Captain.

This is gonna get real ugly, real fast.

We've got to get to the cannons.

- We're not outfitted for battle, Krabs.

There's no ammunition.

The cannons are ornamental at best.

Ornamental at best!

- Then listen carefully.

You'll have to go down to the cargo hold

and poke holes in the barrels of suntan lotion

and scuttle the ship.

- What you're suggesting is mutiny!

- Do as he says, Captain.

- What are you using for ammo there, ensign?

- Oh, I rolled up an old moldy sandwich crust

into a hard little ball.

- That's it! Come with me, lad!

[upbeat music]

*

[cannon fires]

Direct hit! both: Huzzah!

- You'll pay for that.

Get him, boys!

- Uh, what do I do?

- Get down to the cargo hold and check on the captain.

Charge!

[grunting]

Close one!

- Ah, he's kind of handsome for a crusty old cuss.

- [sobbing]

I can't do it. I'm weak.

- Snap out of it, man!

- [gasps]

- Ew.

- My personality! [sobbing]

- Oops, uh, let me put that back.

*

[all speaking happily at once]

- [grunting] Missed me!

Uh-oh.

Uh, anyone for cherries jubilee?

- Finish him off!

sailors: Huzzah for Mr. Krabs!

- Ha, ha, the sunburn brigade!

Ha, ha, me plan worked!

[chuckles]

- Handsome and clever, I see.

Join me, Krabs.

We'll rule the seven seas together.

- I can't let you go, lass.

I'd be in violation of the naval code.

Enjoy your last meal.

I hope you like spun sugar.

- Huh?

Oh...

[chuckles]

- What are we all winking about?

- I don't know!

*