Original subtitles

- Are you ready, kids?

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you. all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- * Ohh...

* Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? *

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- * Absorbent and yellow and porous is he *

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- * If nautical nonsense be something you wish *

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- * Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish *

all: SpongeBob SquarePants! - Ready?

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- * SpongeBob

* SquarePants!

[laughing]

*

[waves crashing]

[upbeat ukulele music]

*

- * La da dee, la da dum, la da doo *

* La da dee, la da dum, la da doo *

[timer dings]

[humming]

[sniffs]

Ah!

[doorbell rings]

Huh? [grumbles]

- Hey!

Whatcha doing?

- I'm busy!

- How busy would you say you are

on a scale of eight to nine?

- 14!

- Squidward, I'm no mathematologist

but that seems like a lot.

- It is!

- Okay, quick survey!

Are you "busy-busy" or just "busy"?

- What's "busy-busy"?

No, no, no, don't tell me, don't tell me!

Don't tell me anything.

Don't even tell me what you're doing here.

- I found a jump rope.

- I said not to tell me!

You're ruining my perfect afternoon.

I'm spending some quality time

with someone who is very important to me.

- Oh, who's the lucky--

- Ah, perfectly browned toast points.

Sparkling kelp juice.

Here's to me.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that simpering buffoon!

- You have a great vocabulary.

- I know.

- Indubitably.

- Go away!

- Okay.

- Wait! I thought you were some other idiot.

- No, I guess I'm just this idiot.

Why... It's beautiful.

- "You are cordially invited to the fanciest and shmansiest

"artistic event of the season,

the opening of Galleria Diphtheria..."

Oh, I've heard of that!

"Bikini Bottom's most exclusive fine arts showcase.

"This invitation guarantees the admittance

"of Squidward Tentacles...

"Squidward Tentacles

Ploos Onay?"

- It's a plus one.

- Aah! What are you still doing here?

- It's not Ploos Onay.

It says "plus one."

- Plus one.

Oh, yeah, of course, plus one.

Sure... What's a plus one?

- Well, when you get an invitation to a party,

sometimes they put "plus one" on it to tell you it's okay

to bring along a friend.

- Do you have to do it?

- Well, no, you could go alone.

It's just that everyone would laugh at you,

'cause they'd think you were a friendless loser.

- What? Do you want me to call your supervisor

and tell him you're just standing around?

- [sniffling]

- You need to find a friend to take as your plus one.

SpongeBob: Somebody like me?

- Aah! - I like openings.

- No! Not like you.

- Come on, jump rope. I guess it's just you and me.

- Let's see here... Friends!

[coughs]

Friends.

Friends.

Hmm. Yeah.

I wonder if I still have my receipt for this thing.

No big deal.

Anybody can make a friend by...

Tonight?

Let's see, there must be someone.

Who's a real part of your life, Squidward?

Who do you see every single day?

Who do you know like the back of your suction cups?

[SpongeBob giggles maniacally]

But of course! It's so simple.

- [laughs]

- SpongeBob, I have something to ask you.

- Of course I'll go to the opening with you!

- That wasn't the question.

Which way did the mailman go?

- Oh.

He said he had a package for the Widow Duncan.

I think he went--

- And then you just initial it there, and we're all set.

- Hey! There you are!

- Not in the face!

- What? What are you...?

Oh. [laughs]

You always were a big kidder, huh?

M-Mailman...Guy.

- Actually I am not a kidder.

I'm much more of an introvert.

- I love introverts!

Why, I'm an introvert!

[cheering]

- You are?

- Say, I bet we have a lot in common.

- Oh, gee, I don't know.

I'm just a regular guy.

When I'm not being a mailman,

I love going to fancy art galleries.

- That's me!

- And eating delicious food.

- Oh, delicious food is my favorite kind of food!

Especially when that delicious food is something you can...

both: Spread on a toast point!

[laughter]

[sighing]

- Once you've had pointed toast,

you just never want any other kind.

- Right?

And if there's one thing I hate, it's...

- SpongeBob. - Clarinets.

- Yeah, I know it--what?

- I mean, what kind of maniac

can enjoy the sound of a clarinet?

That squeaky, hollow, kind of piercing howl

from the very pits of Gehenna.

Only a deluded blowhard with nothing to lose

could pick up a--ugh--clarinet and think,

"Yeah, this is for me.

Let me inflict this pain on the world."

Am I right, buddy?

[nervous chuckle]

Buddy?

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Why are you so darn opinionated, Norton?

All you do with your searing yet admirable honesty

is drive everyone away.

When's Norton's time?

When's Norton's time to shine?

- Oh, Norton!

I've always taken a shine to you.

- Oh, you think you know a guy.

Oh, who are you kidding?

It's not in the cards for you.

I bet not even this old tin can would be my friend.

- I'll be your friend.

- Who is this? - It's me, SpongeBob.

- SpongeBob!

- Yes, I'm still here.

- I need to ask you something important.

- You don't have to ask me three times!

- Will you tell Larry I want to talk to him?

- Oh.

Okie doke.

- So, Squidward, whatcha wanna talk about?

- Well, it's kind of hard to put into words.

- Oh, I've been there, amigo.

- You have? - Sure!

But nothing clears the sawdust out of your brains

quicker than a ride on a jet ski.

Ever been on one of these little babies?

- Uh, no, they always seemed a little...

sporty for me.

- Well, you only live once.

And I just happen to have an extra helmet.

- What the heck.

['60s surf rock]

*

- Hey!

**

[clarinet and bongos play]

- We make quite a team!

- I'll say!

- You know, earlier today I met a jerk

who said he didn't like clarinet music.

- Hey, you know, that's very un-cool.

What kind of thoughtless ding dong

would knock another man's passion?

- You know, you're all right, Lester.

- It's Larry. - Whatever.

The point is, do you want to go with me

to a gallery opening tonight?

- Well, that's not my kind of thing at all,

but for you, sure.

I just need to stop by the apartment

and make myself a protein shake.

- What? You don't need that glop.

- Oh, I wouldn't call it glop.

Protein shakes saved my life, bro.

- Oh, come on. It's a fad.

You don't want to be one of those mindless rubes

who marches around in a constant haze of stupidity.

"I love protein shakes.

"I'm the most gullible rube on the planet.

"Duh, duh, duh.

Give me my stupid protein shake."

- [growling]

- I mean...

So, we still on for tonight?

7:00-ish?

[sighs]

I guess it's just you and me again.

Ugh, what are you doing here?

- Just playing draggy rope. You want to play?

- No.

You hold onto one end of the rope,

and you drag it behind you like a sea snake is chasing you.

Like this. Want to play?

- Just get me out of here.

- Will do.

[grunting]

- Thanks.

- Anything for a friend.

- Friend?

Would you be my plus one?

[gasps]

Come on, SpongeBob.

- And here comes Squidward Tentacles in what must be either

a bizarre piece of performance art

or the saddest display of loneliness

it has ever been my displeasure to report.

One is inclined to suspect the second thing I said.

The thing about sadness.

- You'll always be my plus one.

- Aww.