Original subtitles

[lively accordion music]

*

And how is everything for you today, sir?

Oh, it's great, just great.

Fine, fine.

I just love this Krabby Patty.

Okay, always nice to hear.

My Krabby Patty is a Krabby Patty,

and both buns are also Krabby Patties.

So luxurious!

You must have paid five times the price

of a regular patty for that.

No extra! It's the same low price as a regular Krabby Patty.

[cash register rings]

Aah! Me eyes. What are you doing, Mr. Squidward?

Aah!

I couldn't find the smelling salts,

so I just used table salt.

Hey, my Krabby Patty is just a bun,

and the two buns are also buns.

Stale buns.

My patty tastes like sadness.

(Mr. Krabs) All right, that's enough.

Patties with emotional flavors...[grunts]

is two bits extra.

Now pay at the register.

What in Davy Jones' locker is going on in here, Mr. Squidward?

What do you think? SpongeBob's in one of his moods.

He failed his boating exam again.

Well, we can't have that. He's me best employee.

- Well, no offense. - None taken.

Melancholy and self-doubt are bad for business.

Make a note of it.

Let me grab a pencil.

Ha, it's funny 'cause I mean the opposite. Ha.

[whimpers]

Avast there, lad.

You're wasting your valuable tears

salting me patties with grief.

I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs.

Oh, I can't even cry right.

(Mr. Krabs) There, there.

Failing your driver's test is nothing to cry over.

Aw, I've been in driving school as long as I can remember,

and I still don't have my license.

How much do they charge you at this driving school of yours?

Oh, about $100 a semester.

$100 a semester?

Why, I could do it for double the price in half the time!

Really?

Sure! I taught me own daughter Pearl

how to drive like a little angel.

Hi, Daddy. I need money for shoes.

Sure! Anything for me little angel, Pearl.

Thanks, Daddy.

Are you sure about this, Mr. Krabs?

[laughs]

Why, I couldn't be surer, lad.

You don't need a "professional" to teach you how to drive.

You know, Mr. Krabs, at boating school, Mrs. Pu--

Wipe that boating school malarkey out of your mind, son.

It's all a racket.

[gasps] It is?

And that goes for every kind of schoolin'.

Why, there ain't nothing truly important

you can't learn on the streets

with half a jigger of common sense and your own two claws.

Now put her in gear.

Okay.

[engine starts]

[groans] [laughs]

Well, rookie mistake, boy.

Happens all the time.

- It does? - No.

But you got the right fire in your belly.

I do?

Yeah, well, you know,

what we need is a change of venue.

This empty parking lot is just the ticket.

Like every young person, the novice boater

needs plenty of open, obstacle-free space

and the freedom to make mistakes.

Mr. Krabs, you're so wise.

[chuckles] Can't disagree with you there.

All right, put her in gear.

[crash]

Hmm.

Rookie mistake, right?

I suppose so.

Now slowly inch forward and we'll check out the damage.

Inch. Inch. Inch inch inch.

Inch, inch.

(Mr. Krabs) Oh, broken wall. That's about 15,000.

Oh, kitchen fire, oh. That'll be about six grand.

Ooh, lawsuit?

Ooh, that's a lot of zeroes.

Ugh.

(Mr. Krabs voice-over) All right, Krabs. Get a hold of yourself.

You've been in worse fixes than this.

Why, you've stared down the cannon's mouth, haven't ya?

Look at that face.

Ew.

(Mr. Krabs voice-over) Is this the face of your final defeat?

Is it, Krabs?

[heavy breathing]

Now, here's a place you should be comfortable with.

Oh, I'll say.

Just take a look around, boy-o. Home sweet home.

Nothin' to make you twitchy and jumpy.

Just the opposite, in fact.

A place so soothing and sweet,

like a mother's gentle lullaby on a soft summer's night.

[SpongeBob snoring]

[horn honks] [engine starts]

Oh, brother.

Let's start with something simple.

A little trip down the street to Patrick's house.

- Patrick's house! - Whoa!

I'll have one Krabby Patty, please.

- Okay. - Upsell.

Ugh. Would you like fries with that?

- Yeah. Sounds good. - Better.

Okay. That was just fine.

But next time, wait until I say,

"Put her into gear."

[tires screeching]

[crash]

You missed one.

A simple trip to Patrick's house.

A line so straight and true.

Mr. Krabs, let's just leave the boat here and walk.

Well, you know, we could do that.

But you can't learn to drive without a boat.

Or can ye?

You'll certainly learn the way of the road with this here

top of the line, state of the art technological simulator.

[game beeping]

Now hand me one of them tokens.

You'll need your protective head gear.

(computer) Ready? Drive.

I'm doing it, Mr. Krabs. I'm driving the boat!

Uh-oh.

[squealing tires] [crash]

(computer) Sixth place.

Hey, look, Mr. Krabs. I'm actually driving.

Great job, boy.

[yelps]

[hammering]

Phew.

Hmm. [gasp]

[screaming]

Well, at least I didn't hit the Krusty Krab that time.

[laughs]

[cash register chimes]

Saw that comin'.

I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs.

The fire in my belly has gone pssssh.

No, no, it's my fault.

We've been going about this all wrong, boy.

It's not a pampering you be needing,

it's a bold and reckless display of confidence.

Oh, yeah!

You think when I was your age I tiptoed around

like a tadpole on a petunia?

- You never! - That's right.

My style was to dive in with both feet, claws snapping.

Snapping!

(SpongeBob) Oh, my gosh.

(Mr. Krabs) Thar she blows.

The dreaded double roundabout,

the most treacherous stretch of road in all of Bikini Bottom.

To your starboard, you yield.

To your port they yield to you.

And when you're in the middle, it's every man for himself

and the devil take the rest.

I don't think I'm ready for this, Mr. Krabs.

Nonsense, boy-o.

All it takes is some confidence and a little coordination.

Why, your little pet snail could do it.

[meows]

Uh, I thought you were just using Gary

as a colorful example, Mr. Krabs.

Oh, he's colorful, all right.

But he's also going to teach you how to drive. Now go.

[meows]

(SpongeBob) Whoa!

Atta boy.

There you go, SpongeBob.

Did you see how Gary did that?

Uh, yeah. Some of it.

Buck up, me boy-o. It's your turn next.

My turn? Gee, Mr. Krabs, you must really believe in me.

Not really.

[police siren wails]

Sir, is this your vehicle?

Why, yes, yes, officer. It is.

And did I just see you let a snail negotiate

this vehicle through a dangerous intersection?

You sure did--Ah, I mean you didn't--I mean, well, no.

Well, uh, yes, I mean...

Look, it was just a friendly little example.

A colorful example. I was teaching the lad to drive.

By putting a snail behind the wheel.

Well, I mean, really, he was more on top of the wheel.

[meows]

Officer, I don't have the boating handbook with me, but--

Quiet, boy. Let me handle this.

Are you a licensed driving instructor, sir?

Well, no, but I taught me own little girl to drive,

you see, and--and you understand.

Do you have any kiddies of your own at home, officer?

No, I'm married to my job.

Oh.

Well, um, you two seem very happy together.

Well, we've had our ups and downs,

but after some couples counseling

we think we've worked out our issues.

This ticket's coming out of your paycheck, boy.

Whoa. My first real traffic ticket.

Oh, this is going to require something more than money, sir.

What could be worse than spending money?

[gasps]

All right, class.

Please say hello to our newest classmate, Mr. Krabs.

(all) Hello, Mr. Krabs.

Don't worry, Mr. K. I'll show you the ropes.

[whimsical music]

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