Original subtitles

♪ A long, long time ago ♪

♪ I can still remember ♪

♪ How that music used to make me smile ♪

♪ And I knew if I had my chance ♪

♪ That I could make those people dance ♪

♪ And maybe they'd be happy for a while ♪

♪ But February made me shiver ♪

♪ With every paper I'd deliver ♪

♪ Bad news on the doorstep ♪

♪ I couldn't take one more step ♪

♪ I can't remember if I cried ♪

♪ When I read about his widowed bride ♪

♪ But something touched me deep inside ♪

♪ The day ♪

♪ The music died ♪

♪ So, bye-bye Miss American Pie... ♪

Harold: When I was a kid, I asked a buddy of mine what his parents did for a living.

He had no idea, he thought they stole shoes.

I knew exactly what my parents did.

They ran a tour bus company, and my father had this tour bus cap,

and it was like a crown.

I used to give my super-special tour

to all the kids in the neighborhood. They loved it.

I didn't wanna go to heaven or hell like everybody else,

I wanted to go to Beverly Hills.

I wanted to roam through the mansions

and just see whatever movie stars do when no one's around.

From the time I was 6 years old, I knew what I wanted to do.

You know, I wanted to be a tour bus driver.

You know, and I'm pretty good at it.

[rock music playing]

Nice to see you, Governor. Welcome to Trolleywood Tours.

Excellent. I don't know if you're tall enough to go on this ride,

but please enjoy yourself.

We have a metal detector, so anything you're wearing

could be used against you in a court of law. Nice to see you.

Welcome to Trolleywood Tours.

It's an hour and 15 minute tour, everybody.

♪ Here we are, here we are ♪

♪ Acting like we're different ♪

♪ I'm not really different ♪

♪ Here we are, here we are ♪

♪ Acting like it matters ♪

♪ Nothing really matters after all ♪

♪ It's good to see you Jacquelyn ♪

♪ You wear your mileage well ♪

♪ That's just what you tell me ♪

[song continues]

♪ And it seems to me ♪

♪ Voted you most likely ♪

♪ You turned out to be ♪

♪ Most unhappy ♪

♪ Here we are, here we are ♪

♪ Acting like we're different ♪

♪ I'm not any different ♪

♪ Here we are, here we are ♪

♪ Acting like it matters ♪

♪ Nothing really matters after all ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Marilyn ♪

♪ See you've changed your style ♪

♪ But you're still hidin' ♪

♪ I guess I'm doing fine ♪

♪ But I don't get much sleep ♪

♪ I've done a lot of lyin' ♪

♪ And it seems to me ♪

♪ Voted you most likely ♪

♪ The signs were always there ♪

♪ But you inside could never care ♪

♪ And it seems to me ♪

♪ We used to spend our time acting ♪

♪ Now that we're free ♪

♪ We don't do much of anything ♪

♪ Here we are, here we are ♪

♪ Acting like we're different ♪

♪ I'm not any different ♪

♪ Here we are, here we are ♪

♪ Acting like it matters ♪

♪ Nothing really matters after all ♪

♪ Here we are, here we are ♪

♪ Here we are here we are ♪

-♪ Here we... ♪ -[tape tangling]

[music stops]

Well, there goes the music.

I guess we'll do the rest of the tour a cappella, everybody.

Welcome to Beverly Hills.

Your first attraction is here on your left.

John Travolta is actually adding a wing to his home.

And right next to him, Sharon Stone.

I think they may even be building a tunnel underneath.

Can only imagine what those pajama parties are like.

And right up here on the right, we have the home

where Gloria Swanson used to live.

You remember Gloria from the film Sunset Boulevard.

She played the actress that shot the young writer,

William Holden, in the back, but that was years ago.

Today we have the director for that...

Today-- Today we have the director for that.

Wow. I know this mic is on because I can hear you sleeping.

Right here on your left, I believe Zsa Zsa Gabor

slapped Cher's pool boy 16 times.

Ha ha! That's not true. Kidding.

[trolley bell clangs]

If you look up to your left, ladies and gentlemen,

you'll see two wonderful tennis courts.

The Van Pattens live here.

You know, Dick Van Patten from TV's Eight is Enough.

Wonderful man.

Combs his hair from right here, throws it all the way over.

Everybody wins.

A little bit of trivia for you guys.

Uh, Spencer Tracy was brought out of retirement

by Katharine Hepburn to do one last film.

That film was Guess Who's Coming to Dinner,

starring opposite the pioneer in his own right,

Mr. Sidney Poitier, who happens to live right to the left of us.

Mr. Sidney Poitier.

Okay. I believe Jean-Claude Van Damme

made an offer on that home right there.

-[excited murmurs] -Woman: Where, where, where?

-[tourists gasping] -Okay.

[trolley bell clangs]

We're gonna take this side street right here.

I'll tell you why. If you look to your left,

I believe Arnold Schwarzenegger owns the entire block.

-[driver laughs] -Man: Yeah, he can afford it.

Oh, man, oh.

And right here is the home of Amanda Clark, everybody.

Probably the finest young actress around.

She's completed ten films in the past six years

and is rumored to be doing her next film with Brad Pitt.

A thriller.

She's quite an actress.

Now, coming up right here on your right

is a church where so many celebrities get married.

In fact, the church is so popular

that they keep coming back to do it again and again...

and again.

They can't stop doing it.

That's a joke about how many times celebrities get married.

All right.

[church organ playing]

My dear friends.

You have come together in this church...

for richer or for poorer,

preferably richer,

in sickness and in health,

from this day forward,

for as long as you both shall live and rock on.

Bride: Eh... that depends.

Y-You're supposed to say "I do."

Bride: Hey, I know what I'm supposed to say.

And what I'm saying is, it depends.

Okay. Eh, it depends?

Bride: Yeah. On what you plan on doing with the rest of your life.

Come on, you can't go on being just a tour guide.

I wanna be with someone successful,

a lawyer, a CEO.

Or a doctor.

I didn't go to college.

-[woman gasps] -What?!

-Bride: You didn't go to college? -No.

Bride: Everybody who's anybody goes to college.

I mean, really, that is the least you could have done.

Now... hold on, I thought that we were in love.

-Bride: Oh, please! -[blows raspberry]

Bride: Don't hand me that emotional crap.

No. I want bucks.

Big bucks.

Come on, there's more to life than just money.

-Bull! -Bride: Like what?

-Like-- -Bride: And don't give me that love stuff.

All right, all right, what about movies?

-Bride: [scoffs] Movies? -Yeah, what about movies?

-Yeah, movies. -Bride: Movies?

-Yeah, I love-- -All you know about is movies?

No, I know about, I know about--

Bride: Oh, pally, here, you gotta forget this.

I am just so outta your league.

["Bridal Chorus" playing]

You see, darling, you should have listened to your mother.

You should have married your gynecologist.

Don't look at me, pal. I get paid either way.

What?

-What? -Can we go now?

Oh. Okay, here we go. We're moving on.

We're gonna move on.

Whoo!

[falsetto] That concludes another tour

of the rich and infamous. Thank you very much.

[normal voice] Seriously, you guys, thank you for choosing Trolleywood Tours.

See you later, ma'am. Enjoy your trip here.

[southern accent] Y'all come back now, hear?

[normal voice] Thank you. Enjoy your stay.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you.

We were wondering if you knew any place

that we could, like, go and see a movie star.

Yeah. They're all over the place,

but there are a couple places, but they're pretty pricey,

but I know you can see some folks.

That's fine, we're from Wisconsin and we're splurging.

Ah, there you go, okay.

Well, my friend Danny is a bartender

-at a place called Mandalay... -Mm-hmm.

Right down Hollywood Boulevard, left,

and it's right there on Melrose.

-Okay, good. -Great.

-Thank you. -Thank you so much.

-Maybe we'll see you there. -Maybe. See you later.

-Bye. Thanks! -Good luck.

Hey. Subway construction's still going on.

Cahuenga's a mess.

[traffic report on radio]

What's going on?

I was on the phone ten days ago

and they told me emphatically I had a 90-day extension.

They are just a bunch of lying bastards.

Those bastards at the bank are trying to close us down, Harold.

Dad, you wanted the new trolley and you know about these payments.

You know what we need?

We need a lawyer and we need a payment plan.

What lawyer? Lawyer, my ass.

What we oughta get is a gun for them lying.

-Wow, pow! Dead banker! -You know what?

-I don't have it. -We need to get some food in you

-'cause you shouldn't kill on an empty stomach. -I just don't have it.

I don't know where I'm gonna get the money. This is stupid.

-Come on. -Oh...

You all right?

He told me I could have this extension.

I swear on my mother.

-What about the tape deck? -Harold: Tape deck's broken, Dad.

Dad: Well, what were you doing about it?

Harold: Well, I'm telling stories, I'm having fun, you know.

Dad: Oh, hey, I almost forgot, happy birthday.

Harold: Thank you. It was the other day.

Dad: No, it's... No, it's the 11th, March 11th.

Harold: No. March 7th, my birthday.

-You are-- I am so sorry. -That's all right.

-I always get those two mixed up. -Don't worry about it.

-What are you, 28? No, you're 29, right? -30, Dad.

-30? -30 years old.

-30? You mean you're 30... -30.

...and you don't even have a girlfriend yet?

What's that about?

What it is, is you gotta get out more,

get drunk, get laid, do something.

It's all those damn movies you watch.

Yeah, sure, Dad.

You're like your mother was, God bless her, a dreamer.

-Yeah. -You do still like girls, don't ya?

Yeah, I like 'em a lot, Dad.

So, what is the big deal?

Well... [gasping]

I think a lot of girls in this town...

they care more about, like, what car you drive

and where you live than who you are, and...

I gotta find a woman who loves me for who I am.

That's it. [straining]

That's all you want? No tits, no...?

No, yeah, it would be great if she was attractive, but...

Hey, nothing is impossible, Harold.

I married your mother, right?

30? 30, wow.

Yeah.

If only you had my looks.

So, what, you got about six weeks on this cast, Dad?

I'll be happy when you get this thing off.

You'llbe happy?

I miss the track. Everything itches.

♪ It's a funny kind of feeling... ♪

-Hi, can I help you? -Yeah, my buddy Danny's actually right there.

Okay.

♪ Dripping from the ceiling ♪

♪ Naked on the floor... ♪

My God. Never thought I'd see you here.

-What is it, your birthday? -I met a couple girls in the trolley.

I thought maybe they'd be here.

-You, looking for girls? -Yes.

[scoffs] Next thing I know, you'll be drinking, smoking, moussing your hair.

Well, you know, I gotta start somewhere, right?

I'm glad to hear it, man. Glad to hear it.

You know, I was gonna call you anyway.

-What's up? -I got a part in a play.

-No! -Yeah.

-That's great. -Eh, it doesn't pay anything.

-It's good exposure. -Yeah?

Yeah. Half the time I've got my clothes on.

Hey. The kids will love that, right?

-[both laugh] -Woman: Danny.

-Come here. -Come over here.

-Come on. -Come here!

-Come on. -Play with us!

That's my fan club.

-That's very, very nice for you. -Yeah.

-Woman 1: Hey, baby. -Woman 2: Danny, come on.

Just one little minute.

Oh, you are such a man. Get over here.

-[women giggling] -Ooh, look at that.

They know things I don't.

[snickers] You know, if I tell them that you're a producer,

I probably could fix you up.

I will beg you not to do that. Dude, seriously.

-All right, man, what'll you have? -Both: Coke.

-Yeah. Actually, make it a double. -On the rocks?

-Ice spoils the drink. -...the drink.

-You got it. I'll be right back. -Thanks, man.

No. No way. Absolutely not.

Tell him he's always been a cheapskate, and you can quote me...

[sighs] Can you believe this place?

I have to go outside to make a goddamn phone call.

Nothing but static.

[exhales sharply]

-All right, where were we? -I was trying to tell you why I shouldn't do this role,

not the way the script reads now.

[scoffs] We're about to sign the contracts.

Look, your last picture grossed 30 mil.

We're about to break you out.

This is the picture that will do it.

I don't understand, I practically gave them my word.

I know that, Sidney, I'm sorry, but...

the script needs to be rewritten.

I mean, it's... it's really awful.

It's got a few problems,

but you gotta admit, it's a great story.

I'll admit it's a good idea.

So, what do you want?

We got the best writer in the business.

-The man is a genius. -Maybe.

But he obviously does not like women.

Samuel T. Lewis does not like women?

Are you kidding? He loves women.

He's schtupped every secretary and starlet

from Beverly Hills to Malibu.

As a matter of fact, I think I...

Yeah, well, that's another story.

Sid, I didn't say he doesn't sleep with women,

I said he doesn't like them.

[sighs] Look, Mandy.

We know men are pigs, especially writers,

but look where we are.

We're in Hollywood.

We're not gonna turn this into some kind of a crusade,

-are we? -No. We're not.

Sid, I just want the role to be more real.

Thank you.

I mean, did you ever see All About Eve?

It's like Anne Baxter's character,

she seems so innocent and charming,

but what she really wants

is Bette Davis's role in the play.

All About Eve,I thoughtPaul Newman's wife was in that.

No, no, no, that's Three Faces of Eve.

Oh, well, whatever.

Okay, let's get more specific. I'll show you.

I'll show you some stuff in here.

-I mean, some of it's even kind of funny. -[phone rings]

Oh, hang on.

-Oh, Sid. -Sid Stone, what's up?

Damn it, you're breaking up. [sighs]

Can you believe this place? I might as well be on the moon. I'll be right back.

Sid, how can we talk about this if you keep taking the phone calls?

Last one, last one, I promise. It's Spielberg.

[mouthing words]

Sidney: Steven.

Steve...

Steven? [scoffs]

Jimmy, I gotta use your office phone.

Oh, God.

[sighs]

So, what do you do?

I'm a writer, a screen writer.

Oh, that's interesting.

So am I.

So, who's your agent?

Arthur Blake at CCI.

Oh.

You must be doing very well.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Woman: So, uh, where can I see your work?

Man: Where? Or when?

Woman: Oh, that's right.

-Did you see who's here? -Hm-mmm.

She's so fine.

Oh, my.

In the corner booth.

-Who are you talking about? -Amanda Clark.

[Bennett Cale playing "Round and Round"]

♪ The first time I saw you ♪

♪ Did you see my head going round and round and round? ♪

-Did you see that? -What?

-She was looking at me. -Oh, stop the madness.

-She looked at me just now. Gimme your pen. -Why?

Gimme your pen, I wanna get her autograph.

Come on, man, this ain't that kind of place, Harold.

-They come here to get away from that, man. -You're right.

You're right about that. What am I thinking?

-I'm gonna go say hi to her. -Cool.

But, whatever you do, don't tell her you're a tour bus driver,

they hate you guys.

I forgot about that. Forget about it, I'm kidding myself.

Oh, nah, go on, now. Go ahead.

Now, you'll never forgive yourself if you don't.

Go ahead. Just be smooth.

You can do it, go ahead.

♪ I watch your mouth moving ♪

♪ Around and round and round ♪

♪ And round and round ♪

♪ Oh, no don't put my head down ♪

♪ Put my head down ♪

♪ No, don't you put my head down... ♪

I'm Harold McMurphy. I'm a big...

-[coughing] -...fan.

Sorry. Sorry about that.

-Sorry. -Hmm...

That's okay.

Uh... thank you.

Yeah. Thank me for what?

Oh, for being my fan?

Oh, you kidding? I... It's the easiest thing.

I've seen every movie you've ever made.

-You have? -Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, the last one with Stallone.

Uh, I only saw it twice. Not a big fan of that one.

But... but, um, Sunset Cafewas...

it's such amazing work.

And the last scene when your heart was broken,

you were doomed, everyone knew it,

and then you let out that, that nervous laugh.

It was... it was...

it was the best stuff I've ever seen on film.

Thank you.

[stammering] You're gonna think I'm insane,

but you reminded me of Montgomery Clift

in A Place in the Sun.

Not that you remind me of a man. You're not.

-You couldn't be more of a woman. -[giggles]

And, I, you know... I'm still talking.

-[Amanda laughs] -God, uh...

But--But it was like you in a Vivien Leigh thing.

It was like a combo, you had that vulnerability,

like that--that she had in, um, Streetcar Named Desire.

Wow. That's very perceptive of you.

I actually based my character on Blanche.

-Really? -Yeah.

Harold: That's amazing.

Yeah, you must know a lot about film.

Yeah, well, it goes along with my job.

-Really? So what do you do? -Yeah.

Do?

Amanda: I mean, what do you do for a living?

I, uh...

I go around and, you know, I tell stories.

Oh.

So you're a writer?

Something like that, yeah. Yeah.

So, who's your agent?

-I'm sorry. Who's... my agent? -Amanda: Your agent.

I'm not gonna call you, you have to call me.

My agent is Arthur Blake at, uh, CCI.

-Really? -Yeah.

Wow, you must be doing very well.

I think I met him one time. Is he a real tall man, good looking?

Uh, yeah. That's probably him.

That's...

Um, I... You just do great work,

and I just wanted to thank you,

and I'm never the guy that does this, but I'm gonna go.

You know what, can I ask you something?

Um, would you mind just sitting here with me for a little while?

I... It's stupid, I feel kind of self-conscious

sitting here by myself.

Sit down...?

I mean, unless you're in a hurry.

No. Uh, I thought, uh... I thought your friend was sitting here.

-I saw the woman... -Oh, who, Sidney?

Sidney's not my friend, she's my agent.

We're sitting here, we're supposed to be talking about this screenplay,

and she keeps running and using the phone, so...

Oh. Uh, I'd love to sit down with you.

Amanda: Great.

Thanks a lot.

-Harold: Okay. -[Amanda giggles]

So you said your name's Harold, right?

-Yeah, yeah. -Harold.

Harold, I have a proposition for you.

A proposition?

Yeah.

Well...

You must be a good writer

because otherwise you wouldn't be with CCI,

and you obviously know a lot about film, and...

See, I have this screenplay and it's got some problems,

and, um, I was just wondering if maybe you wouldn't mind

reading it for me and telling me what you think.

I know, you probably think I've got a lot of nerve

asking somebody I don't even know,

and I'm sure you get asked to do this all the time.

It's just that I feel kind of pressed and...

I... I really need somebody who'll give me an honest answer.

And, I mean, it seems like fate, you know,

you being here and you being a writer

and I need a writer and... [laughs]

Look, if you don't want to do it, I understand.

No. I... I mean, of course, I would do it.

-I'd love to, I'd be honored. -Really?

Yeah. Uh... Is this the thriller

with Brad Pitt?

Yeah. How did you know that?

I... I saw a little spot on "ET" the other night.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

So you really wouldn't mind reading it for me?

[laughing] I'd appreciate it so much.

No, no, I would be

I would, I would, I'd be honored.

That's great, that's great.

Um... Well, maybe we could meet tomorrow,

say four o'clock at the Beachside Cafe,

and talk about it?

Uh, tomorrow at four o'clock?

Is that possible?

No, that's, uh, I think

I can fit that in my schedule.

Okay, great.

Then it's a date.

I mean, you know. [laughs]

Okay. So I'll see you then.

-Hi. -Harold: All right.

-Amanda: So I'll see you tomorrow. -Yeah.

Oh, wait, don't forget this.

Oh, I was gonna walk out.

-Sidney: Talk to you. -All right.

Amanda: Thank you.

Who the hell was that?

Oh, that was Harold McMurphy, the writer.

Oh, yeah, I like his stuff.

[siren wailing]

Dude, what happened, man?

I got a date.

-You and Amanda Clark? -Yes.

-I lied, though. -Yeah, I know you lied.

But what did you say?

I don't know.

I just... I'm...

think I'm gonna be sick.

Okay, but write that down, because whatever you said,

I'll use it, man, I sw...

Damn. Harold hooked up with Aman...

I can't believe that. I cannot believe it.

Harold: I don't even get what you're saying, Dad.

I'm saying, this might be a good time

for you to see my astrologer friend.

You know, just to see how things work out.

-Who, Lulu? Maybe. -She's a psychic, too.

I told her all about you.

She's about your age, divorced,

and, check this out,

extremely interesting to look at,

if you get my drift.

I think I do, Dad.

Yeah. She might be nice to have around.

Huh.

Hmm. She'd always know what we wanted to eat.

[laughs, coughs]

Get it?

-Hey, hey, anybody home? -Harold: Hey, Danny.

Harold's Dad: Hey, Danny, let yourself in.

I know you'll forgive me if I don't get up.

From what I heard, you haven't been up in a while.

Oh, that's cute, Dan.

What are you doing?

Please, I got two minutes, man, please.

Yeah, I know, and you're wearing that?

-Yeah. -Hey, hey, leave him alone. He looks great.

It's not like she's interested in him personally.

-Come on, she's just looking for some cheap advice. -Maybe, maybe not

How do you know what she has in my mind, big Rip Van Cripple?

Maybe what she really wants is to seduce him.

[father coughs]

-Take off that shirt. -Danny, come on.

Maybe that's what her plan was all along.

Come on, man, women are not like men.

They're unpredictable.

Yeah, like your career. [laughs]

Oh, that hurts. That--

-Take off that ugly shirt. -Why? What are you talking about?

It says "loser, loser, loser." Take it off, man.

-Why? -You're gonna wear mine.

-What are you talking about? -I'm telling you, man.

These are the threads I got off my last modeling gig.

-Women love this stuff. -Oh, come on, she already thinks I'm a writer.

Now she's gonna think I'm a writer with really nice clothes?

Hey, it's a dog eat dog world out there.

With a knickknack paddywack, she might just be looking for a bone.

I wanna see you in this, though.

-I don't think so. I can't, no, no. -This here.

-I got a good place for this, though. -Enjoy.

Salvation Army. Boys Club.

Where'd you get this, man?

I can't wait to see you in that.

You will be the original Urkel.

Hey, Urkel gets some fine women, you know?

Let me just put this on.

-[rock music playing] -Check it out.

Harold: Which way?

How you doing? Listen, do me a huge favor.

Park this as far away from the cafe as possible, okay?

Yeah, like Cleveland. Thanks, man.

So, you're sure you don't wanna stay?

We're just gonna be talking about the script.

Thanks, sweetie, but I'm kind of busy, you know?

Got a lot of catching up to do.

Amanda: Kind of busy.

Rich: I gotta check out the new Jag today.

I got a massage in the afternoon.

Got a lot of errands to run, you know how it is.

Amanda: Okay.

Rich: But I'll miss you, though.

[clears throat]

-Hey, how are you? -Doing well, thank you.

Good. It's good to see you. You look great.

-That's a great outfit. -Oh, thank you.

It's not mine. The whole outfit's my friend Danny's.

Really? So, what did he do, outgrow it?

No, he, uh, didn't have time to.

[Amanda laughs]

It's very "GQ."

Oh, I'm sorry. Rich Adams, this is Harold McMurphy.

Harold, this is Rich Adams.

Nice-- Nice to meet you, Rich.

Yeah. You know what? I guess I better get going.

-Okay. -Rich: Okay?

-You wanna stop by later? -I don't know.

You know, I gotta get up real early in the morning,

I'm gonna play tennis with Pierce tomorrow.

You know how it is. But I'll give you a call.

-Okay. -Okay, baby?

-Okay. -Yeah?

Okay. Bye.

-Nice meeting you. -Right on.

-So, how you doing? -I'm doing...

I'm doing all right. How are youdoing?

I'm good. Thank you so much for coming.

Oh, thank you for inviting me.

-Yeah, my father's a fan of Richard's. -Really?

Likes his show, even more than Baywatch Nights.

-Wow. -Yeah.

Did I interrupt you guys?

No, not at all. I mean...

I was waiting here for you.

So, can I get you something to drink?

-Yeah, I'd love a Coke, would be great. -Coke? Okay.

Can we...?

...I wanted to know what happened, I cared, you know?

-Yeah. -Definitely.

-Wow. -Yeah.

So, what you're saying is,

you really think it's not that bad?

No, I mean, as... as it is right here,

it's solid, you know?

[groans] I don't know.

I mean, I guess... I guess I think so, too.

It's sad without being melodramatic.

-Definitely, definitely. -And that's probably

the best part about it, don't you think?

Yeah. Uh, good supporting characters, you know,

and then an uplifting feeling at the end, you know?

It's like life-affirming.

Yeah, it makes you care. I mean, you really care

about the characters, that makes it work.

Definitely, definitely.

Um... um... How are we doing?

[giggles] I think that I'm still not convinced.

-No? -No.

I don't know if I am, either.

-Oh, God. -I don't...

Okay, more wine. That will help.

No, no, no, no, no. Two glasses, I turn into an animal.

-Oh, really? -Yes, I...

start looking for caves and...

I need to hibernate for the winter, it's very ugly.

-I snore like a spider monkey. -[Amanda laughs]

Very ugly.

Spider monkey?

Yeah.

You know what, Harold, I really appreciate everything you've done.

-Oh, man. -I just... I just think I should...

just do it the way it is and...

I wish I could have been more help.

No. You've been lots of help, really.

You know, I couldn't help but think...

while I was reading it...

Nah.

-What? -No, it's something I was thinking,

and it's not even... it's not even worth telling you.

-No, please. -It's...

You know the movie All About Eve?

Yes, I do.

-This ain't it. -[laughing]

No, no, that's not why I brought it up.

Anne Baxter's character, right?

If your role was more like that in the beginning,

you know, a complete innocent, and then made that turn,

and just doing whatever it took, you know,

to get Bette Davis's role, that pit bull kind of a thing,

it would lift the entire script

and it would definitely be worth doing,

and it's not here.

She's one-dimensional, you know,

and, uh, I got this feeling,

and you're gonna think I'm crazy,

but I... I don't know if this guy likes women,

-the writer. -Oh, my God, that's amazing.

-Why? -That is exactly what I said to my agent.

-Really? -I swear, that is...

Harold, that is exactly what I said to my ag--

She didn't listen to me. She thought I was, you know, crazy.

Hey, you know what, I have an idea.

-What? -We're gonna go find Sidney,

my agent, and we're gonna talk to her about this, you're gonna tell her

-what you just told me. -Oh, no, no, I don't think that would be appropriate.

-No, it would be. -Because, you know what, I probably,

I don't think I'd even... Who knows

-Harold. -I probably am wrong about this.

Please do this, I just want you to tell her your opinion.

It's so close to mine, and she would...

She'll-- I think she'll listen. I mean, you're a good writer,

and... come on, we'll go.

-I can-- I have money. -Do you mind?

No, no, no, it's okay. You're my guest, please.

Please, Harold. Please do this for me.

-Okay. -Okay. Let's go.

Let's get outta here.

Okay, so your car or mine?

Oh, your car would be great. I took the bus.

You took the bus? Why did you take the bus?

Well, because, you know, no one takes the bus anymore,

and it's a great way to see the town.

Okay.

-It'll be fun. -Okay.

I can't wait to tell her. [shrieks]

Ha ha.

♪♪

♪ I need a place where I can be ♪

♪ When the world is tumbling down on me ♪

♪ Pretty little place where I can hide ♪

♪ And gather up my thoughts ♪

♪ And just amble in ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

-Good evening, Ms. Clark. -Good evening.

Do you happen to know Sidney Stone?

Let's see. Green Lexus LS400 with a cell phone?

-Exactly. -Yes. Been here about an hour.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Do you know Arthur Blake?

Red Porsche Cabriolet 911?

-I don't know. -What's he look like?

-Not sure. -What's he do?

-He's supposed to be my agent. -Uh-huh.

-What, your secret agent? -No, he...

-Hi. -Hi.

-Come on. -Okay.

-Let's go. -All right.

[jazz piano playing, crowd murmuring]

[stammering] I... We shouldn't...

Oh, it'll be quick. Come on.

Woman: Is that Amanda Clark?

-Woman 1: Amanda? -Woman 2: She's busy.

-Woman 3: Who is that? -Woman 4: That's Amanda Clark.

It's so creepy, isn't it, hearing your name like that?

-Yeah, that's why I never go out. -Yeah.

-I don't go out for dinner. -Amanda!

Darling! I'm so happy you could make it.

Mwah, mwah!

If I'd known you were coming,

I would have sent you an invitation.

Listen, I still want you and Tom in my next movie,

and I'm not gonna give up, I'm just gonna be like a dog with a bone.

-Hello. -Hello.

-Emma. Emma Jeffreys. -Hi, Emma.

This is Harold McMurphy. He's a writer.

Oh. Oh, yes! My god.

I'm so insanely happy to meet you.

I love, love, love your work.

-Thank you, thank you very much. -You're welcome very much.

-Look at this place, it's wonderful. -Well, thank you, yes.

-This is sort of the Parthenon. -Yes, and...

-Graceland. -Vegas.

And the White House.

[all laughing]

-Wonderful, though. -Oh, you're charming.

Actually, we're looking for Sidney Stone.

Have you seen her?

Sidney Stone?

Last time I saw Sidney,

she was in the pool room on the phone.

-Of course. -Where-where else?

Okay. Well, thank you. We're sort of in a hurry.

We need to speak to her about something important.

-I hope you'll excuse us. -Oh, well, all right.

-Okay. -All right, then.

-Thank you for having us. -My pleasure.

-Okay. -Yes.

Thursday lunch would be best for me.

Harold: All right, I'll get back to you.

[jazz orchestra playing]

Let me make it easy for you, just say yes.

Make the snake sound, "yessss."

[door opens]

Amanda just walked in. I'll have to get back to you.

Arnold, I'll call you right back.

Look at you. I have never seen you out at night.

Are you all right? Is your house on fire?

Everything's fine. Sidney, I want you to meet a friend of mine.

-This is Harold McMurphy. -Hi.

Amanda says you're a writer.

Yes. I... Appears so.

What are you working on? Do you have a deal?

Uh, no, I don't. I...

Nothing I could... can't really...

shouldn't talk about it, actually.

You know how writers are.

I know, that's why I handle actors.

Amanda: So, Harold read the Lewis script.

-Already? -Yeah.

Amanda: Yes, he did, and he saw something

that I think you might have missed.

Right. And what might that be?

Uh... well, I...

Well, I just, I felt that the writer,

you know, I felt that he doesn't like women.

That...

-Oh, really? -Yeah.

I wonder where he would get an idea like that.

Well, actually, just from the script,

from reading the script.

I just, you know, I felt that he should infuse

some of the integrity he uses with the male characters

into the female characters.

-Mm-hmm. -Exactly.

You see, I'm not the only one, Sid.

Well, that's just great.

Sounds like the two of you have a lot in common.

Sid, I want a meeting with the studio tomorrow.

Will you excuse us for a moment?

-Certainly. -Could we talk?

Amanda...

honey, what's happening to you?

Who was it who discovered you in your high school play?

Sidney Stone.

Who got you your first movie? Sidney Stone.

And who stuck her ass out to get you this Brad Pitt film?

Me. Sidney Stone.

And now you're telling me that this, this hack

-knows best? -Shhhh.

Sidney: Who is he?

I have wracked my brain, I have never heard of him.

And now you want a meeting at the studio

over some no-name?

Yes, I do. Thank you.

Mwah! I'll see you tomorrow.

[sighs]

Amanda: Love you, Sid.

Harold, I'm sorry she was so rude.

That's all right, it's not your fault.

I shouldn't have dragged you out here.

What does she do for you, again?

[sighs] Justin.

[sighs]

I sense a mini-series in your future.

So, you wanna stay and party?

Uh, no, I actually don't.

-Rich: Have we met? -Woman: I don't think so.

Rich: I'm Rich.

Woman: I'm Tiffany.

This is a beautiful suit.

Rich: Listen, why don't we go for a little walk, and...

Oh, excuse me. Really nice.

Who was that?

It's my cousin. You know what, give me a minute.

-I'll be back in a minute. -Emma: Harold, I'm gonna steal you,

I'm not gonna give you back. Have you ever thought about directing?

-I haven't -Listen to this.

You, Tom Cruise, and Amanda triple threat.

-Okay. -Listen, by the way.

-Are you seeing anyone? -Excu... Excuse me.

Harold. Harold, hi. Joey Ace.

-Hey, Joe. -How are you? I've got a project

I'm working on, I think it's absolutely perfect for you.

Give me 30 seconds. Tom Arnold...

-Tom Arnold. Broken-down rodeo clown. -Broken-down rodeo clown.

-Losing his job to Rhea Perlman. -Everybody wins, everybody wins.

Let's do lunch.

Joey Ace, love your work.

Can you get my car, please?

Rich: Amanda...

Amanda.

Just leave me alone, okay?

Calm down, it's not what you think.

It's exactly what I think. You lied to me.

When did I lie to you?

Oh, come on, I thought we trusted each other.

-Yeah, so did I. -And I thought that you understood

that sometimes I need to be seen with other people,

I mean, for publicity.

It's just for business. Come on, I thought we had an agreement.

What agreement? You only agree with yourself, Rich.

-Gimme a break. -Oh, oh, give you a break.

-I see. So it's okay for you... -Yeah.

...to go to a party with some jerk, but it's not okay for me.

Hey, Harold McMurphy is not a jerk, okay?

-Yes, he is. -The only reason we came to this house

was to see Sidney, that's it.

-Come on. -You know what, bud? If you know what's good for you,

-you'll stay out of this. -Be careful, I take vitamins.

Rich: You...

I'm driving. That's what I do best.

You know what? I'll call you.

Okay? I'll call you.

Rich: Jerk.

He's a jerk.

♪ Open your eyes ♪

♪ If you wanna start a fire ♪

♪ Turn out the lights ♪

♪ Let me take you higher ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[Amanda sighs]

I'm sorry for acting like such a school girl back there.

-It was... -Here, blow your nose.

You'll feel better.

I don't wanna ruin your handkerchief.

No, no, I'll be completely offended if you don't.

It... came with the jacket.

None of it's mine.

-Thanks. -Sure.

You know, Jimmy Stewart lived across the street

when he was shooting It's a Wonderful Life?

Did he, really?

Yeah.

Oh, I loved that movie.

I mean, I...

Every Christmas, I watch that movie when it comes on.

Oh, me too. First time I saw it,

my father let me stay up late, and as I was watching it,

the sun came up, and it was a white Christmas

'cause we were back east

and it was a perfect way to see it.

I'll never forget that.

It was great.

I really wanted to thank you for taking care of that...

situation back there.

I mean, it's like... And for taking vitamins.

-Oh, God. -[laughs]

What did I say?

It was a psychotic diversion, you know?

They say when someone tries to rob you

that you immediately ask them what time it is.

They don't know what to do. He didn't know what to do.

-It worked. -Yeah, it did somehow, it did.

Um...

thanks for tonight.

It was really nice hanging out with you.

I'm... I'm gonna get outta here.

Uh, I gotta... it's getting late.

Thank you.

You wanna, you wanna come in

and get some hot chocolate or something?

With some marshmallows?

-Hmm... -S'mores?

-Okay. -Campfire?

-I think we can-- -Cross-legged, ghost stories?

-You really want me to come in? -You're funny.

You always make me laugh. Yeah. That'd be nice.

Come on in.

I'd love to.

-Great. -Come on.

Your mom's like Gypsy Cher woman, isn't she?

She is.

Look at like the eyelashes and stuff.

She's beautiful.

Look at that wig.

What's up with that?

It's Halloween. What am I?

I don't know, you're a cutie, though.

You got the blue eye shadow going.

I'm surprised you don't have the puka shells, though.

You know? I had them stapled to my neck.

There you go.

You knew you had it going on, though, right there,

those little blue eyes.

Beautiful. You always had them, huh?

Well, sometimes they look blue,

sometimes they look green or gray.

Look. It's just, it depends on what I'm wearing,

what the colors are they reflect.

Kind of like, uh... like a mood ring, right?

-Exactly. -Yeah?

Harold: Oh, my God, you look different.

[both laughing]

-Harold: Wait, that's you right there? -Amanda: That's me.

This is a birthday party?

Where are the little kids?

Uh, yeah... that's a weird story.

Um, okay, we just moved here from Atlanta.

That was my birthday and...

my mom wanted me to have this birthday party,

but I hadn't really made any friends yet,

so she said, "That's okay,

"just take these invitations to school and pass them out,

and the kids will show up."

Everyone loves a birthday party, right?

-Harold: Yeah. -Amanda: So I did it,

and the day of the party comes and no one shows up.

Not one person.

I'd have been there.

What are these? These are recent, huh?

Oh, yeah, God, I didn't know those were in there.

You and Rich.

Yeah.

[sighs]

You all right with that?

I'm sure everything's gonna work out with you guys.

-Right? -No, no, no, no.

It won't work out.

I've known about this for a while.

I just, I didn't wanna believe it.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I'm gonna tell him it's over.

Really? That's what you want?

Yeah, that's what I want.

What does he want?

I don't care what he wants.

I mean, this isn't the first time it's happened.

Huh.

If I'm gonna have a relationship,

I want it to be with someone that I can trust,

and someone that will always tell me the truth.

It's important.

Don't you think?

I got something to tell you.

-What's that? -[sighs]

I had a really nice time.

And, uh, I've got to go.

-[laughs] Okay. -And I need my coat.

-Okay. -That's what I wanted to...

Thank you.

So, you sure you don't need a ride home?

No. No, I'm gonna walk.

My friend Danny lives not too far from here

-and I've gotta give him his clothes back. -Okay.

Yeah.

So... I was thinking that...

maybe you and I could, you know, we could go out.

I mean, not "go out go out," but that we could, um...

you know, we could talk about the script some more and stuff,

'cause I could, um, get some...

It's not a good idea.

It's probably a bad idea.

-Harold. -You know...

I'd love to go out with you.

-You would? -Yeah.

-When? -Uh... tomorrow.

[both laugh]

-That would be great. I'd love that. -Okay.

-Seven o'clock. -Great.

-Seven o'clock. -Seven o'clock.

I'll see you tomorrow night at seven o'clock.

-Okay. -Okay.

See you later.

Okay. Bye.

-Hey, you sure you don't need a ride? -No, no, no, I need air.

I'm gonna get so much air, I'm gonna hover.

I'm a hovercraft.

♪♪

♪ Driving down the whirly road ♪

♪ Crossing every lane ♪

♪ I've got no time to wonder why... ♪

Dustin, Dustin, she is dying to do the movie with you.

But her schedule is impossible.

So fix it, honey, fix it.

Ciao.

Rich Adams. Can I get you anything?

Drink? Cigarettes?

Listen, Sidney...

Amanda and I, last night we had a fight at the party.

So everybody heard. Go talk to her.

That doesn't work, try jewelry.

It's not that simple. I mean...

I know this sounds unbelievable,

but I think she's seeing another guy.

Some jerk I saw her with at the party last night.

Uh, what's his name? It starts with an M.

McMillan, McMurray, something like that.

-McMurphy. Harold McMurphy. -Yeah, McMurphy.

Harold McSmurfy. What do you know about him?

Well, he's a pain in my ass,

but you don't need to be stressed out about a guy like Harold.

There is no way-- sorry, honey,

she could ever be serious about a goofball like that.

♪ Do what you do ♪

♪ Say what you wanna say ♪

♪ I'm scanning my calls ♪

♪ 'Cause it's Sunday and I'm lazy ♪

♪ I heard it all I know it's bull ♪

♪ The bed is where I do my jazz ♪

♪ Do what you do ♪

♪ And say what you wanna say ♪

♪ Don't have to talk so much ♪

♪ I hear what you're saying now ♪

♪ Know what you're talking about ♪

♪ I hear what you're saying ♪

♪ Do what you do ♪

♪ I'll be the one for you ♪

♪ I look in my fish tank ♪

♪ Wishing warily ♪

♪ And my TV's on, I'm smoking butts ♪

♪ My machine does the work I need ♪

♪ "Just leave a message" ♪

♪ "And I'll call you when I'm free" ♪

♪ Don't have to talk so much ♪

♪ I hear what you're saying now ♪

♪ Know what you're talking about ♪

♪ I hear what you're saying ♪

♪ So you think I'm a prick ♪

♪ I don't care ♪

♪ It's just my fish and me ♪

♪ What do you think? ♪

♪ Tell it to my machine ♪

♪ Standing right there... ♪

My father's just Cucamonga.

[imitating] "I'm a freak in a freak kingdom, remember that."

-Oh, my God. -That's how he gets out of it.

Says anything he wants.

Ah, he sounds like a real character.

He... More than you will ever know.

Yeah, but that is amazingly sweet,

you helping him out like that.

It really is. He's a good man.

Yeah.

[kids shrieking]

So you said you're writing. How's that going?

Uh... There's nothing... nothing really to tell.

Come on, don't be so modest.

You must be able to tell me something.

Well, I'm not writing anything right now.

-No? -Nothing.

-You're not? -No.

Hmm.

In that case,

I have another proposition for you.

Oh, my God.

Uh-oh. [laughs]

Actually, I was gonna ask you this before,

but I didn't and...

Um... I was just wondering if maybe you'd be interested

in doing the re-write on the screenplay.

-Me do the re-write? -Yeah. You're the perfect choice.

Huh. You know what, I don't think--

Listen, if it's money you're worried about, don't,

because Sidney will talk to your agent,

-she'll talk to the studio. -My agent. You know what?

What if, uh, what if I'm not what you think I am?

You know what I mean? What if I can't do it

as well as you deserve it to be done?

No, but you're a good writer, obviously,

or you wouldn't have an agent like Arthur Blake.

Well, what if I can't do it the way you want? Do you know what I mean?

You deserve-- You deserve a great rewrite.

Okay, if you can't, you can't, but I think you can.

I really do.

I mean...

I showed that script to everybody I know,

and nobody saw what I did except you.

Really.

Come on, and it won't even take that long.

You just make a few changes and...

And you're the only one I trust to do it, I swear.

Please do it.

Please?

Please?! [whimpering]

You got me. [laughs]

-Yes? -I will do it.

-Ohhh! -Ahh.

Hey, buddy. Buddy. [whistles]

Buddy. You got a cigarette?

-Huh? -Cigaretto?

-Cigaretto? -No, I don't smoke.

Can you spare a dollar? A dollar?

-Please? Thanks. -Yeah.

You doing all right?

Yeah, yeah. Thank you, thank you.

Thanks.

-Yeah. -Good luck.

-Yeah. You going in there? -Yeah.

Yeah. Best of luck. Lot of good they did me.

Shit goes for a buck and a half.

Hey, kids.

Look, man, how many times do I have to tell you?

No hustling in front of the building.

Yeah, you wouldn't be talking to me like that if I was still

head of CCI's Motion Picture Literary Department.

-Yeah, but you're not. -Used to kiss my ass.

-Right, but you're a bum now. -Chew 'em up, and spit 'em out.

Okay, so look, take your Armani suit

and your Lexus and get outta here, okay?

See ya, Vince.

-Good morning, Laura. -Laura: Good morning.

Laura, I'm gonna drop these off and I'll be right out.

Laura: Yeah, okay.

Hey. Hey!

[phone rings]

Good morning, Arthur Blake's office.

Mm-hmm.

You're an actor, uh-huh.

You need an agent? Uh-huh. How unusual.

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I'll give him the message.

Uh-huh. What? Of course I'm writing it down.

Well, I gotta drop these off at Arthur Blake's.

Any new scripts have to go through me.

-I gotta pick some stuff up from there, too. -You're on the wrong floor.

-He's in the executive suite. -Executive suite, thanks.

Next time just drop it off at the receptionist.

You know what I just thought? I'm glad you called

because you know what I realized?

We're casting a new film for Robert Redford,

and I think there's a part you'd be just perfect for.

Uh-huh, yeah.

What's your number again?

Oh, yeah, mm-hmm. I'm writing.

Uh-huh. Still writing.

-Uggh! -[whip tapping]

[hard rock playing]

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Yeah, I need to talk to Arthur Blake.

Secretary: I'm Mr. Blake's assistant.

What would you like to speak to him about?

Um, I need him to be my agent, just for a couple weeks.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

But Mr. Blake is not taking new clients at this time.

Perhaps if you tried one of the smaller agencies.

No, I need to talk to him right now.

Well, I'm afraid that's impossible.

Mr. Blake is out of...

-...town. -Good morning, Mr. Blake.

-What's he doing down there? -It's the way he came in.

Uh, Mr. Blake, Mr. Blake. I need to talk to you right now.

Would you like me to call security?

Are you dangerous?

No.

All right, who do you know?

Amanda Clark and Sidney Stone.

Good answer.

You have five minutes.

Harold: I didn't misrepresent myself.

I was the guy that got the joke, you know,

and the last thing that she said was that Sidney Stone

was gonna call this morning.

And that's it.

So, tell me something,

does this kind of thing happen to you frequently?

Absolutely not, no. I am an honest...

You know, I'm a normal guy. I watch a lot of movies.

This is unusual. You know, if you wrote this down,

I could probably sell it as a feature. Can you write?

I took a class once and I'm not a very good speller.

Well, the computers do that now.

Amanda said that I'd make a lot of money, and, uh,

you know, I guess either way, you can't lose.

Yes, but how much could they possibly give you for a rewrite?

Well, I got the feeling it's whatever you decide.

Oh.

Well, I don't know. I mean, I have a reputation.

I mean, how do I know this is even true?

-[monitor beeps] -Secretary: Mr. Blake,

would you like to take a call from Sidney Stone?

Put her on hold.

I've gotta tell you, I mean, any other agent

would think you were a crackpot and throw you right out of the office.

Of course, crackpots are selling

a lot of million-dollar scripts these days.

And, uh... I don't know. There's something about you.

All right! All right.

But now, let me tell ya. If you wanna write a screenplay,

there are certain things you have to learn.

Now, there's a bookstore where you can...

Eh, forget all that.

Do me a favor, go on home and just write.

Sidney!

♪♪

♪ Well, I'm racing around in Tinsel Town ♪

♪ And when I'm up and when I'm down ♪

♪ And my whole world ♪

♪ Is spinning round and round ♪

♪ Keep my head up in the clouds ♪

♪ My feet on the ground ♪

♪ And just hold me ♪

♪ Never let me go, hold me ♪

♪ In your bejeweled arms ♪

♪ Hold me ♪

♪ Just hold me ♪

♪ Hold me ♪

♪ Never let me go, hold me... ♪

-[wrestling match on TV] -Harold's Dad: Hit him! Hit him!

Oh, come on, Ivan! Oh! Give him the Nelson!

No, not in the ropes!

Oh, this ref is a cheat.

[TV clicks off]

[limping footsteps approaching]

[knock on door]

What are you doing?

Yo-ho.

-Hey. -You missed...

-What's going on? -...the greatest match ever.

The Grim Reaper versus Ivan the Terrible.

Ivan won. No, it was terrific. It was the best ever.

Beat the Grim Reaper. Beat Death.

-Yeah. -That's deep.

-Why didn't you call me? -You hate wrestling.

-Why are you doing this? What do you want? -I got something for you.

[scoffs] What a match!

God, that was good.

That's a large chunk of money. What is this?

It's the advance for the rewrite.

I want you to have it, though.

You, you're giving me this damn check?

Yes, yes, indeed. Bail the company out.

Your mother would be proud, Harold.

And I thank you, I really thank you.

It's terrific.

So you got a deal?

Yeah, yeah, it's why I'm doing these writing exercises.

Whoa, but we're talking about a professional screenplay here.

-Yeah, I know. -You know, for muscles you do exercises.

For brains, you gotta go to college.

Well, we didn't have enough money for brains,

did we, Dad?

So that's why I gotta do this.

And they're paying me a lot of money,

and I owe it to Amanda to do a really good job.

-As much as I can. -You and your mother, you're always dreamers.

-I... -But you know what, we never did anything about it, Dad.

A lot of dreaming.

But this is a whole other ball game.

Oh.

Hey, now that we've got everything paid off and all,

we should think about expanding.

-Expanding? -Yeah.

With you and me both driving, we could use a second trolley.

It would be like the old days. Come on, it'll be fun.

No, Dad, what are you-- Pay the bills off.

Don't double down, that's stupid.

-No, you gotta-- -When you get your cast off,

you go home and I continue on with my life, okay?

Yeah, but you gotta think big to be big.

I am thinking big, Dad! Look at me with this.

I'm stepping up for the first time in my life and you can't see that?

Nah, you're just screwy right now.

It's that girl, ain't it? It's that movie star, am I right?

She has something to do with it, but she sparked this whole thing for me.

You can't see that?

That's it, Harold. Look what's going on here.

A dame like that eats guys like you for breakfast.

-Forget her. -You know what?

We had a good time and I felt like a different person.

All right, and you can't see that?

-You felt like a different person? -Yeah.

Well, let me give you a clue, Harold.

You are not a different person.

You are a tour bus driver like I am.

You got it?

We show folks movie stars' homes.

We do not date them.

All right.

-I'm sorry, I sounded rude... -No...

-Jesus. -I got an idea.

For forgetting your birthday, let me give you a little surprise.

-No, don't worry about it. -No, I wanna do this.

-It's over, the birthday's over. -I wanna do this, please.

Just... okay, cook a big dinner tomorrow night, let me take care of the rest.

-All right, okay. -Okay.

I love you, man.

There's a lot more if you guys want it?

Harold's Dad: Come on, Lulu, is this great food or what?

The potatoes are real good.

Thank you.

Oh, so as I was saying,

after I read his palm,

I told him that he would lose weight

and come down with a horrible disease.

-Eww. -Six months later,

he's dead.

What happened?

Car hit him.

-[cackling] -Oh, you!

[both laughing]

I bought it.

Oh, don't let her fool ya. She is ditzy.

She's got the gift. She told me...

[wheezing]

She told me I was gonna get a lot of money.

-Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! -Need I go any further?

[Lulu laughing]

Boy, you're a quiet one, aren't you?

Still waters run deep.

Nah, he's just gotta get to know you first, then...

-watch out! -[shrieks]

Mr. McMurphy, you are bad, bad, bad!

Acts just like a lady, don't she, Harold?

Ooh, only when I'm with such handsome gentlemen.

[giggles]

Oh, you're blushing.

[snickers]

He's blushing. [laughs]

I like a man with humidity.

You're an Aries, aren't you?

No. [clears throat]

-Libra? -Nope.

Lulu: Uh...

-Pisces. -[shrieks]

Pisces! He's a Pisces.

I was just gonna say that. Pisces.

She's got it, she has the gift.

Bingo. On the third try.

[Lulu laughing]

You're so funny.

Oh, this looks good.

Huh?

Oh! That's good. It's so very good. Ohh!

[Lulu giggles]

[snorts]

So... [coughs]... he'd say...

"If you don't stop shaking those things in my face,

I'm gonna kick you off the cheerleading squad."

And then he took my pom poms.

He took your pom poms?

Yeah. [giggles]

Doesn't look it to me.

-Hah! -[Lulu laughs]

Mr. McMurphy, I think you like to see me blush.

-[titters] -Oh, oh...

Harold... help the old man up.

Oh, I've had too much to drink.

-Oh-ho-ho! -You all right?

Yeah, I'm all right. I'm fine.

-Lulu, it was terrific. -Yeah.

-Forever. -I want you people

to have some good time to yourself.

-You know I've gotta wake up early, Dad. -Hold it...

-Give me a second here. -Okay.

[inhales, exhales sharply]

Okay, keep everything down to a low roar.

-We're not gonna be here... -I gotta get my beauty sleep.

...too long 'cause I gotta get up, gonna wake up.

[Lulu giggling]

-Good night. -Good night.

Harold's Dad: Lulu...

[Lulu giggles]

[light switch clicks]

I like your father. He's really nice.

Yeah, it's a good act.

[giggles, sighs]

Hope I'm not keeping you up.

-Actually-- -Why don't you let me read your palm?

I'll do it for free.

I can tell you about your love life.

I can read the future.

Oh, couldn't be a bigger fan of the unknown.

Oh, stop it, you are not. Get over here.

Come on over here and sit by me.

[laughs]

You're not the sharpest tool in the shed, are ya?

[laughing]

Come sit by me. Come on, get your butt over here.

Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on, mister. All right, then.

[groans] Did you have any of that wine?

Damn, that was good.

All right, let's see what we got here.

Ooh. Let me focus.

Ooh, I see.

-Look at that. -What?

I see you recently met a woman who you like very much.

-That is true. -Uh-huh, yes, it is.

Aww, but you're afraid to tell her

how you really feel, you see that?

You're afraid that she might reject you.

Couldn't be more true. Tell me more.

Well, don't worry, she won't reject you.

-No? -Hm-mmm.

She wants you equally.

-That's true? -Yeah.

-She wants you right now. -What do you mean?

-Get over here! -Oh, no, no! Let go!

Lulu: I wanna wake up naked on your stove.

Harold: Oh, that's not right for me, Lulu!

-Oh, God. -Kiss me.

Okay, please, please.

[Lulu giggling]

Harold: Dad!

-Dad?! That's all right. -Lulu: Oh, man.

-Harold: That's okay. -Lulu: Hey, what's that? Is that for me?

Harold: No, that's not for you.

Okay, I gotta take you very far away,

because you're really not right for me.

[Lulu laughing]

I swear to you, she tried to rape me.

-Get outta here. -No, no, no. I'm--

Now, the only reason I did not call the cops,

and I kid you not, was because of the sheer terror

of them dusting my crotch for fingerprints.

Otherwise, I would have called the cops.

So, wait, what happened?

Did she, like, actually force you to do it?

No, no, no, no. Ultimately I ended up

tying her up with a phone cord to make her stop.

She must have really hated that.

No, no, she loved it.

I think she thought it was kinky.

Oh, she sounds so right for me.

-Not at all. -Oh, come on, man, hook me up.

She can't be as freaky as Norma Desmond.

-Twice as freaky. -The woman in the movie?

-Thank you. Enjoy the movie. -Seriously?

Harold: It almost goes by too fast, you know?

Danny: [like Norma Desmond] "Words, words, and more words!"

Harold: That's what they say art is, man,

when you can make ten minutes seem like eight.

Style of film-making, man.

The way the writer tells a story even though he's dead?

-Ahhh. -See what happens when you lie to a movie star?

What are you saying, she's gonna shoot you?

Well, you know what, I wouldn't blame her if she did.

-Have you called her? -To say what, you know?

I'm a tour bus driver, that I'm not a writer?

I don't even know what to say to her.

No, man, just ask her out.

Tell her you need to discuss the script.

Forget it, man, no more lies. I'm not gonna lie to her no more.

Then tell her the truth,

tell her you just wanna see her.

-At least it wouldn't be a lie. -That's right.

And you know, technically, you are a writer now.

-Why? Because I got paid? -You got paid.

-That makes you a professional. -So what? I haven't written anything.

-That's the reality. -I got it, I got it.

-What? -I know just the place for you to take her.

-Where? -My play!

-Oh, no. -Oh, come on, man. I'll get you in backstage.

It would be horrible. You'd play the entire thing to her.

You know? It would be a joke. You'd be...

-I wouldn't... -You'd be slammin' 8x10's right on her feet.

You know what, I will support you, I'll be there opening night, I promise you.

All right.

I'm gonna send her flowers.

Well, that's original.

God.

Arthur Blake, please.

[phone rings]

Good morning, Arthur Blake's office.

Hello, this is Amanda Clark calling,

and I was hoping you could help me reach a client of yours.

I'm looking for Harold McMurphy?

Harold McMurphy... Oh, yeah, the writer.

Well, Ms. Clark, I'm sorry.

I can't give out our clients' numbers over the phone.

I mean, for one thing, we have no way of verifying it's actually you.

Oh, God, that's true, isn't it? Um... Hmm.

Well, it really is me.

Um, could you call my agent?

[scoffs] Ms. Clark, it's not that I don't believe you,

but I mean how can I be sure?

I mean, how would you feel if some creep called your agency

and said he was Mel Gibson?

Well... [laughs]

Not a good example, right?

Well, actually, I could get in touch

with Mr. Blake in New York and call you back.

Is there a number where I could reach you?

Oh. Um, yeah, that would be great.

I'm gonna be at the Beverly Hills Hotel

this afternoon at a luncheon.

Maybe you could leave a message at the front desk?

No problem. I'll try to get in touch with Mr. Blake right away.

And, Ms. Clark... I just love your movies.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks for your help. Bye-bye.

[applause]

Thank you very much.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

Well, let me be honest with you.

I can never understand why we have to throw a banquet

to raise money for starving people.

[laughter]

But let me just say this,

that the generous contributions you have made

have already exceeded

the calories you'll consume today.

So eat up and enjoy! Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Enjoy your afternoon.

Amanda.

It's been such a long time.

-How are you? -Good!

Gosh, you look terrific.

Oh, thanks. You look great yourself.

Well, you know me.

I'm just an old tired fundraiser.

[laughs]

Doing a great job, as always.

Well, you know, it keeps me out of trouble.

Listen, I heard about you and Rich.

Rich who?

Okay, so that's how it is. All right

This is the question.

Are you looking, and have you met anybody?

No, not... not really.

Okay, I did meet someone interesting.

-Really? -Yeah, but I'm not really sure what he thinks of me.

Oh, come on, what, are you serious?

Is he stupid?

Is he married, gay?

He's a writer.

[scoffs] He's probably all three. [laughs]

Actually, I don't know that much about him yet,

but... he sent me flowers.

[gasps] Flowers! A romantic.

That's a really good sign.

-Oh, thank you. -Oh, yes, thank you, thank you.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you ask around? You know?

These people know everything about everyone,

or at least they think they do, so come on, I'll introduce you.

-I don't wanna ask 'em. -Oh, come on!

Listen, I will pick their pockets,

you pick their brains. Let's go.

Like, a lot of flowers?

Amanda: Oh, yeah.

Is it McMurphy? I thought it was Murray.

Anyway, yes, I remember very well.

He was always into trouble, drank like a fish. Ahh!

His was a very famous case.

In purely psychoanalytical terms,

he bears the classic symptoms of the Madonna whore complex.

And by Madonna, I'm speaking of the virgin.

He used to date my granddaughter, the son of a bitch.

He never even came into the house,

the son of a bitch.

He wasn't even Jewish, the son of a bitch.

Yeah, Harold McMurphy.

Wasn't he the guy, the writer that was caught

plagiarizing Paddy Chayefsky?

Always had a couple of girls on the side, too.

-Yeah, Ms. Clark. Message for you. -I remember him.

Thank you.

-Could you excuse me a minute? -Yes.

-Thank you. -No problem, honey.

Twelve cancellations.

Isn't that beautiful?

[sighs]

[phone ringing]

Trolleywood. Trolleywood Tours.

-[static on phone] -Hello?

-Hello, can... -[static on phone]

-Harold's Dad: Hello? -Can you hear me?

[static continues]

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, baby. Ah, there you are.

-[sighs] -[phone auto-dialing]

-[phone ringing] -[grunts]

Yeah? Trolleywood, for Pete's sakes.

Amanda: [voice breaking up] Hello... is Harold there?

What? Is that you, Lulu?

Hey, could you speak up? I can hardly hear you.

I'd like to speak to Harold, if I may.

Nah, he's not here right now.

But he oughta be back pretty soon.

Amanda: I haven't heard from him since the other night.

-I was just wondering... -Yeah, well, I'll tell you how he is.

He's a jerk.

I mean, I hate to say it,

but I think you're wasting your time.

I'm beginning to think he doesn't like real women at all.

You know, all he likes is those Hollywood floozies.

Are you sure we're talking about the same Harold?

Yeah. I know it's hard to believe,

and I've, I've known him a lot of years.

Listen, I tried to get him to call you.

He wouldn't do it.

If you want, I'll try again, but...

I don't think it's gonna do any good.

No, that's okay. If he didn't wanna call, no.

Harold's Dad: Listen, I am so sorry.

I think it's a shame myself, but hey...

forget him, you know?

Do yourself a favor and get on with your life.

Yes, I will, all right. Thank you.

Wait, who is this?

Poor kid.

-Hello? -[phone beeping]

God!

♪♪

Well, look who's here.

Can I get you something?

Drink? Pedicure?

No, thanks, I'm fine.

Amanda, if you were fine, you wouldn't be hanging around

in a party dress at three o'clock in the afternoon.

What's wrong?

Sid, uh...

I need to talk to you.

Sidney, sweetheart, we gotta get this out.

-Oh. -You're gonna oxidize here.

-Give me just a minute. -Let me just get this one.

Okay.

Okay, so tell me what happened.

Amanda: Okay, it's about Harold. You know, the writer.

I just... I don't know.

Sid, I think I might have been really wrong about him.

[laughs] Well, he's a writer, honey.

You know how writers are.

Yeah, but I thought he was this sweet sort of innocent man,

and now I find out from somebody

that apparently knows him really well,

he's a real jerk.

I mean, Sid, I should have found out more about him.

I never trusted him.

-He was too, what do you call it, too evasive. -I know.

But you know there are a lot of people who would be a whole lot happier

if this rewrite deal fell through.

I'm starting to lose my faith in people.

In men.

You have to protect yourself, Amanda.

Things are different now.

When you're hot, everybody has their own agenda.

-It shouldn't have to be that way. -That's show biz, honey.

[horn honks]

-Hey. -Hey.

-How was the run? -It was all right.

We made up for some stuff.

-You'll never guess who called. -Who?

-Lulu. -Oh.

She was so torn up because you hadn't talked to her.

-I don't wanna hear-- -She didn't even sound like herself.

I may sue Lulu, okay? Don't talk about her.

Don't worry, I let her down easy.

So, what's going on?

Well, I think I'm gonna go try writing.

You know, everyone thinks I'm a writer.

-I might as well try it. -Okay, so what you're saying is,

you're gonna write the damn thing.

Yeah. Well, saying is one thing and doing it is another.

All right, don't be so stressful about it.

You know what you gotta do? You gotta get yourself drunk.

[scoffs] That's gonna solve my problems, Dad, getting drunk?

Nah, I'm serious, Harold. I never heard of a writer that didn't drink.

There was Hemingway. What a drunk he was.

-That guy O'Neill. -Yeah.

Seriously, just have a cocktail.

Harold, it's not a big deal.

It loosens up all your phagocytes.

I don't know what that means, but...

you think that would help?

If there was one place in life I'd failed you,

it was there.

I should have taught you how to drink.

Just give it a try.

Okay.

Well...

I'll think about it, Dad.

All right. Go slow.

-All right. -I love you.

[rock music playing]

-Harold! -[screams]

What?

Wake up, man.

Why are you yelling?

That's so wrong.

Are you okay?

Yeah, look at How do I feel?

You look like a hundred bucks.

[Harold stammering]

You know, I have never seen anyone get drunk so fast

on one drink. You're gonna hurt yourself.

Please get off the babysitter.

-Please, your mother and I... -Look, you need...

...are very, very, very proud of you.

You need to ease up, brother, if you want a ride home

'cause I still got a couple more hours to work.

Woman: Danny! Danny, Danny.

Oh, my fan club.

-Yes, man. -Mwah!

Mwah! Where have you guys been? I missed you.

-We missed you, too. -We had an audition with a casting director we know.

-Both of you? -He's into group sex.

-Ooh. -Harold: Is he casting a crowd scene?

-[Danny laughs] -I'm sorry.

This is my good friend Harold McMurphy,

and he is a fabulous writer.

-Really? -Harold: Yes.

Would I know your work?

-Are you rich? -Um...

Well, you know, I'm in training, actually.

-Oh. -Yes, I'm in training.

Yeah. You guys smell good.

-Thank you. -And don't take that the wrong way.

-So do you. -Oh, thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.

You know, I'm having fun. Danny's good, I'm living the dream.

-Right now. -[women laugh]

-I'd like to buy you guys a drink. -Oh.

-Sure. -Sure.

All right. You know, I'd like to buy everyone a drink.

I always wanted to say that.

I wanna buy everyone a drink. Danny, I wanna buy,

I wanna buy those people a drink right behind me,

I wanna buy these people a drink. Danny, take me seriously.

-[Danny laughs] -Take me seriously!

-I'm taking you seriously. -I wanna buy these people...

I wanna buy...

Sidney! I know that woman.

Sidney. Harold McMurphy.

[inaudible]

[laughing] She heard me.

You're gonna like her. She's...

She's... she's... she's weird.

Harold.

-Hey. -What a surprise.

-Yeah. -I was just talking about you.

-Just now? -No. Earlier.

-Oh. -How are you?

-I'm... -You look like you're doing just fine.

-I... Sorry. Sorry. -Oooh!

[whispering] I'm a little drunk.

Good, good.

Let me get you something.

Would you and your friends like some champagne?

-Yeah, I would-- -Bartender.

I'd like a bottle of your best domestic champagne

for my good friend Harold and his lovely...

-This is my friend Tory. -Hi. Carrie.

-Carrie. -I'm Tory.

-This is Tory. -Companions.

-Yes, indeed. -Put it on my tab.

Wow, that's very nice of you. Thank you.

My pleasure. So good to see you like this.

-Thank you. -But I gotta run.

-Enjoy. -You won't have a quick drink?

Hey, Sidney, will you tell Amanda that I said hello?

-Oh, believe me, I will. -Okay.

What a good guy. Good guy.

Yeah, I think you ought to get down here.

There's something here I think you should see.

Just trust me.

[laughing]

Oh, hey!

[blues guitar playing]

-Whoo! -Ahhhhhh!

[groans]

[laughing]

What do you write with?

Ehhhhh. I write with, um...

I write with my typewriter and my Bic pen...

-What? -Your big pen?

-A big what? -No, my...

Harold says he has a big pen.

No, my Bicpen. I have a Bic pen.

-Okay. -That's what I write with.

Come on, girls.

Doesn't look that "Bic" to me.

Hey! Come on, now.

You know...

Whooo!

[trio laughing]

-Whoo! -Harold.

-Ha ha! -Harold.

-[laughing] -Harold!

What? What?

Hey! Hey, Amanda.

How you doing?

Hey.

Amanda!

You know her?

Yeah. Amanda.

Hold on a second.

Wait a minute. Amanda, what's going on? Hey!

What are you doing? What's wrong?

I'm confused. Are you okay?

-I'm fine. -You're okay?

-I'm fine. -I'm-I'm very happy to see you.

-You're drunk, okay? -I'm a little drunk, but I--

Yeah. If you wanted to see me that badly, Harold, you could have called me, okay?

You wanted me to call you, I would have called you.

I would do anything to call you.

-You know, that's really quite an act you put on. -What?

Really. I mean, you deserve an award for making me think you were different,

but I can see that you're like every other slime bucket in this town.

-That's not-- -You're just like all of them, Harold.

No, no, why? Because of those girls?

I don't remember their names. I just met them--

Harold, that even makes it worse.

The least you could do is remember their names,

treat them like human beings.

Next thing I know you're gonna tell me

they lured you here and made you get drunk.

-No, no, I meant to get drunk. I came here to get drunk. -Oh, you're disgusting.

No, no, hold on. Hold on a second.

I got drunk because I wanted to show you that I can write.

-Okay? Give me a chance to show you that I can write. -Don't bother.

-Why? -Look, I don't need you to write

any more of your sexist crap, okay?

Really. Just go back to your little girlfriends and leave me alone.

Amanda, wait a minute, where are you going? Amanda, listen to me.

Don't leave. Amanda, you want me to tell you the truth?

-No, no, listen to me! -You just played with me, Harold, leave me alone.

Amanda, I'm not a writer, I'm a tour bus driver!

I'm just a tour bus driver.

-[door slams] -Harold's Dad: I mean, is it--

Did you at least gas the bus for tomorrow?

Dad, I told you, I gotta work until it's done, okay, please.

What are you saying, you're not gonna do anything else?

-I'm supposed to do everything around here? -No, I'll do it.

I'll tell you what, I will make the dinner

and I'll drive the trolley, but that's it, please, Dad.

Harold, you know what, I don't get it.

What is the point in knocking yourself out?

You--you got a D in spelling twice.

-That doesn't matter. -All right--

-It doesn't matter. -What I mean is,

there is a lot of writers out there with more experience than you!

It's one thing to say you're a hotshot writer,

and it's another thing to think that you really believe it!

I don't have time to explain all that to you, okay?

Maybe you're right, maybe I'm not a writer.

I know a good story and I know movies. It's all in my head.

If I can get it down on paper, then I could do something.

All right. But try not to type too loud.

♪♪

♪ House of wonder ♪

♪ House of pain ♪

♪ Looking out for all the things that I have tried ♪

♪ To rearrange ♪

♪ Boiling water ♪

♪ Burning sun ♪

♪ Holding on to memories of everything ♪

♪ That I've ever done ♪

♪ Change is coming and ♪

♪ Change is good ♪

♪ It's done everything that I ♪

♪ Ever wished it would ♪

♪ But it stands so tall ♪

♪ Walks so strong ♪

♪ It's taken over me ♪

♪ Change is coming and ♪

♪ Change is good ♪

♪ It's done everything that I ♪

♪ Ever hoped it would ♪

♪ But it keeps me awake ♪

♪ At night ♪

♪ Worn-out shoe soles ♪

♪ Hurting pride ♪

♪ Making sense of all the places that I've been ♪

♪ On the inside ♪

♪ Hands are hurting ♪

♪ Waking nights ♪

♪ Now I wonder why I ever wanted to ♪

♪ Start this flight ♪

♪ Change is coming and ♪

♪ Change is good ♪

♪ It's done everything that I've ♪

♪ Ever understood... ♪

[knock on door]

Where the hell did you come from, Alhambra?

♪ It's taken over me ♪

♪ Change is coming and ♪

♪ Change is good ♪

♪ It's done everything that I ♪

♪ Ever wished it would ♪

♪ But it keeps me awake ♪

♪ At night ♪

Hello, folks.

Welcome aboard Trolleywood Tours.

Today's tour will take about an hour and 15 minutes. We're gonna have a lot of fun.

♪ I thank you for the times ♪

♪ That you managed to keep me in my place ♪

♪ And red-orange leaves fall ♪

♪ Into love ♪

♪ Watching as the wind fills the wings ♪

♪ Of my very own turtle dove ♪

♪ Change is coming and ♪

♪ Change is good ♪

♪ It's done everything that I ♪

♪ Ever wished it would... ♪

That was almost a freebie.

♪ But it stands so tall ♪

♪ It walks so strong ♪

♪ It's taken over me ♪

♪ Change is coming and ♪

♪ Change is good ♪

♪ It's done everything that I ♪

♪ Ever wished it would ♪

♪ But it keeps me awake ♪

♪ At night ♪

♪ Yes, it keeps me awake ♪

♪ At night ♪

[sighs]

Announcer: This morning's traffic,

all major highways are moving quite well...

Hey, good morning.

Don't worry about breakfast, I had something delivered.

And don't drink out of the carton.

-I'm not. -Reports showing newfound strength in housing...

Finished the rewrite.

What, you... you finished the screenplay?

-Yep. -No kiddin'?

-Mm-hmm. -But... you finished early.

-I thought you had a couple more days to go. -So did I.

Apparently I didn't.

So... what do you think?

Is it... worth anything?

I don't know. I don't think so.

When do you find out?

I don't think I'm going to. I just talked to her.

She doesn't ever want to see me again.

[mumbling] She doesn't want to see you again?

What... Why not? You have a deal.

Yeah, that's what I thought, too, but...

apparently she found out about me.

She kept talking about

me and my pre-occupation for Hollywood floozies.

Wh--What does that mean? "Floozies"?

No one uses that word anymore.

I gotta get out of here. I got a trolley to drive.

Jesus.

-We haven't seen that. -Welcome to Trolleywood Tours.

-Can I take your tickets, please? -Oh, oh.

Do you think we'll see a movie star?

-No, absolutely not, no way. -What?

Well, that's not what the fella at the station said.

He said it was practically a sure thing.

Well, maybe we'll see one anyway, dear.

♪ Open your eyes ♪

♪ If you wanna start a fire ♪

♪ Turn out the lights ♪

♪ Let me take you higher ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And this heart of mine ♪

♪ Will be burning with desire ♪

♪ Fire inside ♪

♪ With a spirit-mystifying ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Oh, love ♪

♪ And as a man once said ♪

♪ In a book about dreams ♪

♪ The closer you get to love ♪

♪ The farther it seems ♪

♪ There's a man once said in a book about dreams ♪

[doorbell rings]

♪ The closer you get to love the harder it seems ♪

[doorbell rings]

♪ Don't turn around straight ahead... ♪

Hi there. I, uh...

[laughs] I'm... I'm Harold's father.

You know Harold McMurphy?

Well, yeah, of course.

Listen, um...

We have a situation here

and I really need to talk to you.

Do you think that's possible?

Sure. Come on in.

Thank you.

Wow!

This is... clean.

Welcome to Beverly Hills, everybody.

Coming up on your right, you'll see the home

where Gloria Swanson used to live.

You remember Gloria from the film Sunset Boulevard.

She played the actress who shoots

the lying, no-good writer, William Holden, in the back.

Just remember, you should always tell the truth.

'Cause if you don't, you get exactly what you deserve.

Can't pretend to be somebody else.

'Cause you're just gonna hurt someone...

Uh, just 'cause she's a movie star

doesn't mean that she doesn't have feelings.

Probably got deeper feelings than you'll ever know.

She's a real person.

She's not made of wax.

Forget about being preoccupied with movie stars.

They're just people.

They're your neighbor, they're your best friend.

They're somebody you know.

Deal with your own life.

Your own integrity.

Never give it away.

Tell the truth and run.

Tell the truth and stay.

I betcha he's in love. [chuckles]

-I bet he is, he's kind of a handsome young man. -Oh, my God.

I mean, I'm not saying that movies are bad.

Movies, they're great. They serve an amazing purpose.

They tell a great story, can tell you a lot about your life.

What you're doing wrong...

[horn honks]

[blares]

Hey, there's Rich Adams!

-Man: What, where? -Woman: What?

Man 2: Is this somebody?

You!

♪♪

...what you gotta do to make things right.

Hey!

[bell clangs]

Hang on, everybody.

Hey, could you get out of the way?

-Oh! -Rich: What? To you, too!

Get out of the way, come on, move.

-Leave the car alone. -Uggh!

Lady, get outta the way. Would you please get out of the way?

Humph! Humph!

♪ Oh, C... ♪

-Whoa! -♪ C. C. Rider ♪

-♪ I said see ♪ -Ohh!

♪ What you have done now ♪

♪ Oh, C... ♪

♪ C. C. Rider ♪

♪ I said see ♪

♪ What you have done now ♪

-[tires squealing] -♪ Oh, you made me love you ♪

-♪ Now, now... ♪ -Hey, buddy!

You're supposed to turn left on Sunset Boulevard.

You're going the wrong way!

-Oh, I'm dizzy! -♪ Oh... ♪

♪ I'm going away now, baby ♪

♪ And I won't be back till fall, yeah ♪

-[tires squealing] -♪ Oh, I'm going ♪

♪ Where some peace is ♪

♪ And I won't be ♪

♪ Back till fall, yeah ♪

-♪ And if I find me ♪ -Whoa!

♪ A new girl ♪

-♪ I won't be back at all... ♪ -We should report him.

-Are you all right, dear? -Yes, I Are you all right?

-Yes. -♪ C. C. Rider ♪

-[tires squealing] -[passengers screaming]

♪ Ah, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny ♪

♪ Now, won't you come along with me ♪

♪ Jenny, Jenny ooo, Jenny, Jenny ♪

♪ Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, now won't you come along with me ♪

♪ Jenny, Jenny ooo, Jenny, Jenny... ♪

[tires screeching]

[horn blaring]

Hold on!

We just smoked Rich Adams!

This is like the bus from Speed!

-[laughs] -What's happening?

I think he's psychotic!

Cool!

Rich: The guy in the trolley cut me off.

-I don't care, sir. Stay in the car. -I can explain--

Amanda! I have a confession to make.

You lied to me?

Yes, I did, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So, what else did you lie about, Harold?

I don't know what you mean.

I mean those girls. Are you seeing one of them?

No, I am not.

No. No one.

Well, your father came to see me.

In fact, he's still here.

My-My father's in your house?

No, actually he's in the pool.

Oh, my God. Want me-- I'll get him out.

No, it's fine. Harold, that's not why I'm upset.

Is it because of the money? I'll find a way to get it back to you, I promise.

No, it's not about the money, it's about the screenplay.

I read it.

You read my screenplay?

Mm-hmm. And there's one question I have to ask you.

What makes you think you're qualified to write a love scene?

I mean, when was the last time you were in love?

Actually, a lot more recent than you think.

Yes, well, I certainly couldn't tell

from the scene in the woods.

I mean, here they are in the middle of nowhere,

she's just come back to save his life...

and all you can have him do is...

reach out and shake her hand?

Well, it's a family picture.

Oh, Harold, for goodness' sakes,

it's the 1990s.

I mean, it's sweet and all, but it's a little naive,

don't you think?

Well, I liked it when I wrote it.

Okay, you liked it, but did you believe it?

-Yeah, I believed it. -Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, Harold...

if you were there with that woman

and she had just saved your life...

wouldn't you at least...

wipe the dust off of her cheek?

Hmm?

I mean, wouldn't you take your arms

and wrap them around her waist and pull her close?

Wouldn't you look into her eyes and tell her how you felt?

Hmm?

[cheering and applause]

-Bravo! -[laughing]

[mouthing words]

I told you he was in love!

[passengers cheering and applauding]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that.

Did you like it?

My screenplay? Did you like my screenplay?

Harold, it was...

it was just right.

-Really? -Yeah! It's so good! I love it!

Yay!

Man: Here we go. Come on, out of the bus.

There she is.

[tourists laughing]

Ms. Clark, may I have your autograph?

-Yes, sir. Okay. -And make it to George.

-Oh, no, no, no. Guys. -[woman laughing]

Oh, I apologize. Sorry about that.

Please? This is just like a real movie.

[laughter]

Okay, get back on the bus, everybody.

This is... It's not part of the tour.

It isn't part of the tour.

-[tourists murmuring] -Woman: Thank you, dear.

Harold!

She's got marble toilets, honest to God.

Dad, d-don't touch anything. For me?

You got-- You got good taste. The chandeliers.

The whole place is like slippery.

It's wonderful.

Oh, hello.

[tourists oohing and ahhing]

Woman: Isn't that wonderful?

♪♪

♪ Hey, Johnny ♪

♪ I can see that look in your eyes ♪

♪ Stop now you're making me... ♪

Now, Harold, listen to your agent, Sidney Stone.

We're not gonna turn this into some kind of a crusade, are we?

I know it's a Shakespeare adaptation,

but if they want a talking ostrich,

then give 'em a talking ostrich, who cares?

♪ It's hard enough to know myself ♪

♪ That I can do better than that ♪

♪ Stand back and let me see... ♪

And coming up on your right

is the home of film star Amanda Clark

and Oscar-winning screen writer Harold McMurphy.

Now, there's a writer for you.

[chuckles]

♪♪

♪ I can only hear the rhythm ♪

♪ Taking me back home ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ And in the darkness ♪

♪ In my weakness ♪

♪ Forsaking me ♪

♪ I dream of you ♪

♪ I can only hear the rhythm ♪

♪ Pulling me ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

[crowd cheering]

My next guest is one of Hollywood's brightest rising young stars.

Just last year he was tending bar on La Brea Avenue.

This year he's starring in one of L.A.'s hottest plays.

Hot plays in L.A.? Is that possible?

Anyway, here he is to tell us all about it. Please welcome Mr. Danny Sam!

[band playing, crowd cheering]

Hello. Have a seat.

Let me ask you something.

Before I start, I gotta ask you about one thing here.

Amanda Clark and a tour bus driver.

What, uh... What is that all about?

Well, Jay, I...

It's a love story, I have to tell you that, um...

♪ So I'll talk in my sleep ♪

♪ Just to hear your voice again ♪

♪ And I'll walk through my dreams ♪

♪ Hoping that my tears will end ♪

♪ When I can only hear the rhythm ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ So I'll talk in my sleep ♪

♪ Just to hear your voice again ♪

♪ And I'll walk through my dreams ♪

♪ Hoping that my tears will end ♪

♪ And I'll talk in my sleep ♪

♪ Just to hear your voice again ♪

♪ And I'll walk through my dreams ♪

♪ Hoping that my tears will end ♪

♪ When I can only hear the rhythm ♪

♪ I can only hear the rhythm ♪

♪ As time escapes ♪

♪ I count the moments in the soul ♪

♪ And every echo every heartbeat ♪

♪ Keeps you here ♪

♪ I won't let you go ♪

♪ I can only hear you ♪

♪ In the night ♪

♪ We're oh so right ♪

♪ I can only see ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ So I'll talk in my sleep ♪

♪ Just to hear your voice again ♪

♪ And I'll walk through my dreams ♪

♪ Hoping that my tears will end ♪

♪ When I can only hear the rhythm ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ So I'll talk in my sleep ♪

♪ Just to hear your voice again ♪

♪ And I'll walk through my dreams ♪

♪ Hoping that my tears will end ♪

♪ And I'll talk in my sleep ♪

♪ Just to hear your voice again ♪

♪ And I'll walk through my dreams ♪

♪ Hoping that my tears will end ♪

♪ When I can only hear the rhythm ♪

♪ I can only hear the rhythm ♪

♪ Oooh... ♪

♪ I can only hear... ♪