Original subtitles

(peaceful music)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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- He is here, rejoice, hallelujah, peace, love, harmony.

(whistle trills)

- Yes, enough of your happy clappy love nonsense.

We've got this covered.

We're in charge now

and we'll make sure you get a rigorous Catholic education.

- Oh shit.

(upbeat music)

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.

What makes a man?

The Jesuits, they say that if you give them a boy

up to the age of seven, they will show you the man.

For an extra fiver, they'll even cover up the scars.

(audience laughs) What makes a comedian?

I'm often asked that, why did I become one?

And why do I offend people?

Some people think that I'm gratuitously trying to offend.

I am enjoying offending them.

Just trying to make them laugh.

I've been called a blasphemer.

I've been called a filth merchant,

ban him, he's a filth merchant!

Usually said with little spittle flecks like that.

(upbeat music)

(ominous music)

(peaceful music) (rain pattering)

- Get in there.

Ah Christ, would you look at that.

I think I can fix it.

Don't mention these to the sisters.

You'll get the living shite knocked out of you.

- Why?

- Dunno really.

They seem to enjoy it.

Don't worry, you'll be all right.

Everyone knows me, no one will mess with my brother.

See you at break.

You're with me, you're fine.

(peaceful music)

- So God has shown himself to all of us.

We all know this in our hearts

but even though he has shown himself to us,

put your hand down, he remains a mystery.

A wonderful and beautiful mystery.

I said, hand down!

- He needs the toilet, sister.

(water dripping)

(kids laughing)

- Silence!

Stand up.

Hold out your hand.

(stick whooshes)

- Ow.

- Find Mr. O'Brien and ask him

for his mop and bucket

and you'll be sitting in your own stink for this day.

I teach you to hold onto your filthy business.

(suspenseful music)

And who's this, cheeking me with a look.

Stand up!

What's your name?

- David Tynan-O'Mahony.

- I know your brother.

A self-styled joker and that's all he'll ever be.

Are you the same as him?

- We're similar.

- Hold out your hand.

Palm or knuckles?

You'll never amount to anything

if you always choose the easy option.

(David grunting)

(kids chattering)

- [John] What's up with you?

- Sister hit me.

(boy sighs)

- She's an evil old cow.

What for?

- Nothing.

- Yeah, same as ever.

(suspenseful music)

I can't get back at her Davey,

she's a bloody nun.

(boy sighs)

(melancholy music)

I found this, Sister Mary.

- What are you doing?

Where are you going with that?

(Sister Mary screams)

For the love of, what in the name of?

- I tripped, Sister Mary,

it was an accident, on my life.

- John Tynan-O'Mahony that was no accident!

You are coming with me!

- It was an accident, sister, on my life.

(upbeat music)

Ow, that hurts.

(David chuckles)

- No good comes of laughin'.

- Ow.

- And don't forget, we've got you for 10 years.

(upbeat music)

(people laughing)

- [Woman] Forgive me father for I have sinned.

- I'm ready to hear your confession.

- [Woman] I punched someone in the face, I'm sorry, father.

- Go on.

- [Woman] And when they went down, I kicked them in the nuts

then I bent their arm behind their back until they screamed.

- That's disgraceful, what kind of a woman are you?

- [Woman] And I've done that 10 times this week.

- What, that's!

(people laughing)

Oh, thank god it's you, sister.

I thought there was some lunatic in there.

(wheel clicking)

- Would it?

- Definitely.

- The whole arm?

- Yeah, it ripped it off in one,

maybe drag you into the cogs,

crush you into a bloody pulp

then splurge you into the pole and beams,

smashed and manged and gulping in water (babbles).

- You know, I don't think it would.

- I think I'm writin' this book, you know,

prove me wrong.

(wheel clacking)

(woman laughs)

- You're like the boys.

I can tell when you're making it up.

- On my life.

I was standin' there with my back turned.

I heard this kinda rumblin' noise.

I turned, I had to jump outta the way

of a roll of runaway newspaper print.

I came within a nose hair.

I'd have been squashed as flat

as one of your mother's cakes.

- Stories, everything you say needs subediting.

And don't change the subject.

We have to talk about money.

- We'll be fine.

- Quick, mum, dad, Davey's had an accident!

(boy panting)

- What's this, what now?

- What's wrong?

- I've, I've (groans).

(suspenseful music)

- How did that happen?

You're supposed to be lookin' after him,

not knockin' bits off.

- It wasn't my fault, on my life!

- Come on!

- Can you take it off?

Show us what it looks like?

Does it hurt?

- Not much.

- What did you tell them?

- I said you told me not to do it.

- Hey, leave those on.

It's all right, Davey told us.

I shouldn't have blamed you.

- Yes, you were quite cruel there, daddy.

Gotta be at least worth a couple of shillings.

- Get on with ya, ya cheeky bugger!

And I don't believe for one second it wasn't your fault.

Are you sure you told me the truth?

Don't ever do anything that your brother says, ever.

He's a madman and he's an idiot

and you're your own man.

But you have to stick by him 'cause he's your brother.

- Do ya think Sister Mary loosened it?

- Could be, could be.

She's certainly got the build for joint loosening.

(David sighs)

What's the matter?

Stop your moanin', it's barely the fingernail.

- It's the whole end.

- And you need it to scratch your arse

and pick your nose at the same time.

(David chuckles)

Mark my word, it'll be a great friend to ya, that finger,

a great friend.

- How?

- Well, you'll never be stuck for a story will you?

- Yeah but!

- Not the real one, dunderhead, the ones you make up.

What kind of an idiot chooses the truth over a good story?

You've done it already, Sister Mary,

with her arms like hams, lopped the top of it off

with a cane for forgettin' the Pope's birthday.

Don't stop there.

Have a different story every time someone asks ye

and never tell the truth, never.

A great friend.

And if all else fails,

it'll be great for scarin' the girls away.

- Why would I need to do that?

- You're a good lookin' boy.

You take after your daddy.

With a face like that, you're going to need somethin'

to give you a bit of peace.

(peaceful music)

It was a joke, it was a joke.

There's nothing wrong with a joke for God's sake.

- When I say fire, you shoot right here.

(melancholy music)

Fire!

(guns roaring)

(people laughing)

- Please, centurion, please.

- I'm sorry Peter, I can't do it.

- I'm not worthy to be crucified

in the manner of our lord Jesus.

I beg you, in the name of all that's holy,

turn me upside down.

(wood clatters)

(bell dinging) (people laughing)

- Stick or spin again?

- Spin please, centurion. (people laughing)

- Davey!

Up, I know you're scammin'.

- I am not.

- If you're actually ill, just say you're ill.

There's no need for any of this,

I think it was the ham, I dropped it on the floor

and the dog licked it stuff.

That's a pure sign of over planning with ill-intent.

- You should send me to school,

you're as good as whackin' me across the knuckles yourself.

Go on then dad, get it over with.

- What are they going to whack you for?

- Nothing, same as always.

- And what nothing is it this time?

- According to them, it's for blasphemy.

- Jesus Christ.

- Whereas I'd say it's for following an argument true

to its logical conclusion.

- Well, you've got a gob on ya all right.

Come on, I have a cup of tea goin' cold.

(dad sighs)

I love this garden.

Not diggin' it or any of that arse-ache.

I love sittin' in it.

Makin' your mother laugh.

Knowin' that I've looked after my family best that I can.

I've gone head on for life, for work,

job and a paper.

Politics, international problems, weighty issues.

I thought that'd take care of all the big stuff

but here, off to one side, is my bit of peace.

Hey, hey, hey, sit down.

You're going to your own execution, no need to run.

You can be anything Davey.

You've got belief, a steel core.

You'll be away one day.

Just need a little push.

- Like what?

- Well, if I knew that I'd give it to you, wouldn't I?

But something'll turn up.

It nearly always does with life.

Especially if you have a good look around.

Sometimes even when you don't look around.

(birds chirping)

Smell that (sniffs) it's rain.

Greatest country in the world, this, don't forget that.

Ah, work and school aren't goin' anywhere are they?

Did I ever tell you how my mate Miles' hair went white?

- No.

- Don't let your mam know that I told ya.

It was the winter of '23.

A heavy snow fell faintly over the whole country

for weeks on end, covered everythin'.

- Now this, ladies and gentlemen,

is a true story from my childhood.

A story which rocked me, changed me, forever.

(people laughing)

One snowy winter when I was very young,

we moved way, way out into the countryside

to stay in an old, almost derelict manor house.

One half of this house was burnt shell.

The previous owners, a father and a son,

had fallen out and they had divided the house in two

with a wall, a thick wall and they never spoke.

Now, one day when the son was away

on a rare trip into town, a terrible fire broke out

and the father tragically perished.

When the son returned, the house cooled down,

one evening he ventured into the father's side around dusk

and he found terrible marks on the wall,

chipped away bricks,

and he came to the chilling and horrifying conclusion

that these marks must've been made

by his desperate father as he banged forlornly on the wall,

trying to attract his son's attention

as the house burnt around him

and suddenly he heard a devastating scream

(woman screeching)

and he felt something jump on his back

and claw at him and he ran and he ran from the building

as fast as he could and he never stopped.

That evening, his hair turned completely white

and he never returned.

Now, of course I was fascinated by this story

and my brother, of course,

challenged me to go inside and see

if I could find the marks.

I accepted the challenge and one cold, dark, moonless night,

I plucked up my courage and with just a torch

to light my way, I crept inside the abandoned part

of the house and clambered and climbed

over the charcoaled floorboards and staircase

and up through cobwebs and rubble

until eventually I found my way into the room

and there on the blackened wall for a fleeting moment

I caught a glimpse of the marks

before my torch stuttered and failed.

In the pitch black, I groped my way towards the wall.

With my hand, I reached out

to see if I could trace the marks.

And it was at this time that I had a curious feeling

that I was not alone.

I felt something I can only describe as a presence.

Something or someone was directly behind me.

An icy breath made the hairs on my neck stand.

I was terrified!

Rooted to the spot and I felt something.

My stomach, I felt it start to move.

Up towards my ribcage.

And beyond.

And as it rose higher and higher towards my neck,

I summoned up all my courage

and I seized it and it was cold

and it was clammy and I bit down on it.

(man grunting)

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is how I came to lose my finger.

(audience laughing)

It wasn't because I was holding my glass like this

and it dissolved.

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

- [Woman] Hello?

Speaking. (suspenseful music)

What, no!

(suspenseful music)

No, that's.

You can't!

You can't mean it.

(suspenseful music)

- [Man] Ah, what a fellow, eh?

Man, what a drinker.

The pubs around the paper'll be dimmin'

their lights tonight.

Aye, very sad for the boys.

Is the (mumbles) here?

- [Funeral Guest] I don't know, but the editor is.

- [Man] Some turnout, eh?

- [Funeral Guest] Oh yeah, lots of people, lots of people.

- [Man] Most of the parish is here.

- [Funeral Guest] Half the Celtie's here.

Sure you'd expect nothin' less for myself.

(mournful music)

- I've got your back Davey.

I'm lookin' out for ya now.

- And I'm lookin' out for you.

(melancholy music)

- So boys, there's going to be a few changes.

Obviously and.

- Do we have to move house?

- We do.

We don't have your daddy's money coming in anymore.

- Are we poor?

- No, no we're not poor,

we're just.

- Everyone at the funeral was saying

what a great fella dad was.

- He was.

- And how he was brilliant at his job and dedicated.

- [Mom] He was all those things.

- So won't the paper see us right?

- They're helping.

When you leave school, you'll be able to get jobs

at any of the Dublin papers.

If you want.

There are other debts.

Look, leave that alone.

- We are poor, aren't we?

(dramatic music)

- We are gathered here today

to mark the final journey of the great Mysterio.

(upbeat music) (people laughing)

(people applauding)

- I think we might be interested in that story

but we would need to come and see you.

Would you be willing to be quoted by name in the paper?

You would, okay.

(telephone ringing) (suspenseful music)

I'll just need to take a few details.

She's gone.

As mean as a nun that one.

I'm sure she snitched on me last time.

- You'd have to pay for the call?

- No, but there have been pointed lectures

in the price of international dialing

and the strain it puts on honest Irish business.

- Hey Tash.

Oh you wouldn't believe the women here.

And they're not just for lookin' at like at home.

They actually do stuff.

- What stuff?

- And there's no nuns or priests.

Unless you look for them, and why would you do that?

- I had a piece published today.

Butchered by subs, hardly recognize it.

- You're too good for them.

You've gotta be appreciated at work.

Can't wait to leave here and get back to Butlin's.

They bloody love me there.

- I was thinkin' of givin' London a go.

- [John] Doin' what?

- Newspapers, of course.

- Oh yeah.

Give it a go.

If it doesn't work out, I can get you a job with me.

- Oh thanks for the vote of confidence

but red isn't really my color.

(upbeat jazzy music)

Is there one with a bit more room in the shoulder?

Maybe we could put a dart in it.

(upbeat jazzy music)

(David sighs)

Okay.

(upbeat jazzy music)

Morning campers.

- I, as I suspect many of you know,

come from Ireland, a very rainy country.

So rainy, in fact, that if you ever meet an Irish man

with a sun tan, it's probably rust.

In Dublin they say that

if you can see the hills surrounding the city

then it's about to rain and if you can't see the hills,

then it's already raining.

But, that is not the reason

so many Irish people come over here.

No, it is sex.

Over here you have sex before marriage.

In Ireland, they don't.

So the Irish come over here.

Two Irish men shouting about the same subject.

"I never had sex with my wife before marriage, did you?"

Other fella says, "I don't know, what's her name?"

(people laughing)

- [Woman] And that was the reason I started the affair.

I couldn't help it!

He was so good looking.

Black curly hair, strong arms,

he walked straight up to me and kissed me on the mouth.

He held me tight.

I had to respond.

I reached out towards and him and touched.

(people laughing)

(coins jangling)

- Go on, my child.

(door squeaks)

- Oh there ya are.

(bottles clinking)

- When's bedtime?

- After the drinkin'.

You're not even half way through yet.

- The dancers aren't here, there is no one on stage.

- Sounds like a serious problem.

What are you gonna do?

- Well, I'm new, can't you do something?

- I'm jokin'.

You want me to go on?

- Yeah, quick, before they riot.

- Wanna make your Butlin's stage debut?

- Doin' what?

- Fillin' in 'til somebody rescues us.

A few jokes, few stories.

We're wingin' it.

I think I'll do my Jerry Lewis impression, they love that.

- Okay, I'll do mine too, see who's funniest.

(footsteps tapping)

- Okay, calm down, calm down.

Good evening campers!

(crowd laughing)

Now, we've been as quick as we can

so you can stop with all the chantin'.

- Yeah, and the wailing.

Try to keep it down, eh?

And before we start,

shouts of "Rubbish!" and "Get off!",

they're really not helpful.

- No, they're not.

- And we'll just ignore them anyways so.

- We will.

- Now, you might be wondering what we're doing on.

- You might, you might.

- [David] And you're right to wonder,

'cause if we're onstage,

something has gone very badly wrong.

(crowd laughing)

- [John] Not as wrong as it's about to go.

- That's true, that's true.

I'm gonna tell a joke.

(crowd cheering)

- Are you sure about that?

- It's about these two Irish fellas.

- Eerie. (crowd laughs)

- So two Irishmen walk into a pub.

- Oh I know this one.

- Well, join in when you're ready.

And the landlord says, "We're closed."

- Well, then how did we get in?

(crowd laughs)

We stormed that, Davey.

You know, we weren't half bad.

Well, I wasn't, you stunk the place up.

Looked like you were doin' it your whole life.

Big, brass balls on ya, little bro.

- Here ya go, boys.

You were great, ain't that right.

- Thanks Clyde, you're a gentleman.

- How does that work if you're doin' that for a living.

Do you get an agent first

or do ya just get on with it?

- I don't know, but you should definitely do that.

You can do it.

I know ya can.

- Well, you can too.

Let's do it together, be a double act.

- Yeah, great idea.

- It'll be our stuff you, you know.

- Hey, we're just a pair of jokers.

- Like, stuff you to the nuns and the priests

and the poverty and the startin' in the poster room.

- Yeah, stuff you, stuff you, and stuff you.

- We'll have proper money.

- [John] Hey, we're doin' all right.

- You know, I'm not goin' back to the arse end

of the trousers living in a shithole days.

We could do this, together.

- Yeah, together.

To the Tynan O'Mahonys!

- Cheers. (glasses clinking)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat Latin music)

- Ready?

Aim.

- No, no, no, don't shoot!

He is my brother.

- So what?

Aim!

- No, I will take his place.

Shoot me instead.

- No, I will not allow it.

You are my brother, shoot me!

- No, shoot me! - No, shoot me.

- Fire!

(guns roaring)

(audience laughing)

(suspenseful music)

- We wanna send a message to your da.

- I'm not allowed to speak to you.

You're the IRA.

- It's not a speakin' message.

- Ow!

(audience laughs)

- You are Brian Labradie, aren't you?

- No!

(audience laughing)

- Well, get your da to pass the message on

to Brian Labradie's dad will ya?

(man grunts)

(audience laughing)

- And that is how I lost my finger.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music) (audience clapping)

(upbeat music)

I didn't know you were comin'.

- Don't wanna see anymore new faces.

I thought I'd better come and see you live.

- And?

- I think you'd be very good at presenting.

- Don't over-praise me, it might go to my head.

- No but it is praise.

See, you're quicker on your feet than those comics.

You can react.

So being the host, introducing the next acts,

filling the little gaps with jokes,

keeping the whole show rolling,

I just think it'd be rather marvelous.

There's a tour I think you should do.

Helen Shapiro, the money's acceptable.

- I'll do it.

- There could be another one in Australia.

- Great.

- There's just one small ish thing.

How do you feel about changing your name?

- Dave?

(man chuckles)

How many clients have you got whose surname begins with A?

- You are remarkably professional for a beginner.

- Allen, Dave Allen.

How does that sound?

- Sounds like a top comedian.

- I know I've got a lot to learn.

- Oh, good, Dave Allen is, I like it,

I like it, there's a ring to it, yep.

Tonight at the London Palladium, Dave Allen.

- Tonight on BBC One, the Dave Allen Show.

That's got even more of a ring to it.

- Wheresoever my arrow doth land,

there shall stand bury me.

(man groans)

(man grunts)

(audience laughing)

- Didst thou catch that?

- No, Robin, can you do another one?

(trumpets blaring)

(audience laughing)

(melancholy music)

(audience laughing)

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

- So we're not havin' one made then?

- For tomorrow?

- Brown or blue?

- What kind of brown or blue?

- Sorry, blue's out.

- Is that brown?

Well, the tests have come back and I'm afraid

you're not going to be able to eat tomatoes.

- That's a shame.

But I think I can manage that.

- You'll also have to avoid eggs.

- Oh no, I love eggs.

But I suppose I'll get used to it in time.

- And you won't be able to touch anything alcoholic.

(man snores) (audience laughing)

- That won't be a problem. (audience laughing)

- What's going on?

Why aren't you with your unit?

Are you a coward?

- No sir!

- Then what's the matter?

- Sir, we're about to go into battle for the first time and.

- What is it?

Spit it out, man.

- Sir, have you ever killed a man?

- Yes, yes, I fear I have.

- What's it like?

- It's a damned thing.

But ours is not to reason why.

Do your duty, soldier.

- I will.

And thank you sir.

(dramatic music)

(audience laughing)

- What do you mean no?

That's a fantastic slot.

Seven o'clock on ITV.

- It's not fantastic for me.

- You'll be watched by millions.

- Of children.

And families expecting family entertainment.

- Exactly.

- I prepared a show for 10 o'clock

and my material's for adults.

- Well, change it.

This is an opportunity.

- For a disaster.

- What?

- Look, I don't wanna argue with you.

- You're doing a very good impression.

- You're a Lew Grade, you run everything,

you make or break careers,

clearly you know what you're doing.

- Well thank you for the endorsement.

- But I do too.

And I have a contract which says that my show goes out

at 10 o'clock and that's when it's going out.

- No one's heard of you outside of Australia.

What makes you think you can come in here

and tell me how to run my business?

- The contract makes me think that

and it's going to make you think that too.

(upbeat music)

- Are you still happy with no trouser foot, sir?

- Yes, I want it to be timeless.

- [Tailor] And the fit?

- Thank you it's perfect.

(people chanting)

(upbeat music) (audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

Lights dim on page four, yeah?

- Dave.

- We are honored.

A wise and powerful director general.

- You may rise.

- Have you come to see the dress rehearsal?

- Do you know, I spend more time defending you

than on any other BBC related activity

and I've just heard that you've been banned

from Australian TV as well as Ireland.

Is that true?

- Possibly.

- How do you manage to get banned from Australia?

- A masturbation reference.

It's a very popular pastime, apparently.

- Yes, well, luckily the audience finds you very funny.

And occasionally so do I.

But no Dave, I haven't come to the rehearsal.

You see, we've had a complaint

from someone of more than usual prominence and importance.

- Who, his holiness?

Some arsehole of an MP?

You know, you could always abandon reason

and try (whistles).

- You want me to tell the Lord Provost of Glasgow to?

Where to go?

- Is that someone I should've heard of?

- Yes.

And he objected in the strongest possible terms

to your pope striptease sketch.

- Oh good.

- We spent a very pleasant half an hour

out-Catholicing each other.

And I was on the point of waving my rosary beads

and marking myself with ashes when he backed down.

- Well, I would apologize but it's not my fault.

- No, of course it isn't.

Anyway, keep it up.

We need a series every year from now until

(sighs) forever.

The BBC will always defend you, Dave.

So long as you keep them laughing.

(upbeat music)

- Do you have any last requests?

- I would like a cigarette.

- Oh no, smoking is very bad for the health.

Fire!

(people laughing)

- I got a Thatcher joke.

It is actually compulsory.

Don't suppose anybody here voted for her?

Someone must have.

It is a good one, promise.

Must be all the old people that aren't here

that voted for her.

I see a few white hairs on you mate,

hey, yeah, you.

What's your name?

- Dave.

- Dave.

What do you do, Dave?

- I'm a comedian.

What do you do?

(crowd laughing)

- Funny, I like that.

(suspenseful music)

- Mr. Dave Allen, sir.

What an honor.

You won't thank me but I've finally remembered

to bring in my memorabilia.

Do you have a moment?

- Okay, sure.

- I've got the lot.

A VHS of your Allen Bennett play.

Programs from the Royal Court Stage appearances.

- Oh, look at that.

- And of course Dave Allen At Large with the host.

Your best work, I think.

- Have you got a pen?

- Yes, that would help.

- Okay. (pen scratching)

- And here.

(door squeaks)

(peaceful music)

- Bang on time as ever.

Is this piece of shite creepin' up your arse,

then borin' it off from the inside of ya yet?

(man laughs)

- Are you all funny in your family?

- I still can't believe you think I'm jokin'

just 'cause I say it with a smile.

(suspenseful music)

- You all right?

(suspenseful music)

Outta breath?

How'd ya get here?

- I walked.

- [Dave] From the hostel?

- Yes, from the hostel.

- It's miles, I left money for a taxi.

Do you know, if you'd let me pick you up.

- I'll pay ya back.

I'll pay ya back never.

Is never soon enough for ya?

- Wait here.

(suspenseful music) (sirens blaring)

- It hasn't got to that stage yet.

- All right, come on then.

(melancholy music)

We're not late.

- Christ, are you trying to break my legs for real?

You know, they have counseling for angry people too.

- I'm not angry.

- Then slow down.

You only come to make sure I'll actually go.

- Would you go without me?

- Probably not.

- Then I haven't been wasting my time.

- An escort to the Last Chance Saloon.

- [Dave] Went to a comedy club last night.

- [John] Well, are you still the best?

- Comedy's changing.

Gotten younger, more political.

- Don't worry about the new fellas, they're all rubbish.

They won't last.

You are the godfather.

They all look up to you.

- When did you last see a new comedian?

- I don't need to see them to know

they're not a patch on you.

Even if you can't get a series on

for love nor money these days.

- I've got the specials.

I sell out theaters.

I could go back any time.

- If you're not on the box, you're gone.

Everyone knows that.

- I'll get another series when I feel like doing one.

- Maybe if they need something for the old folks.

Apparently comedy's changing.

- [Dave] People still like what I do.

- They do, so stick to what you do.

You do it adequately, mostly.

- I was the godfather a minute ago.

- I'm proud of the way your coping with being washed up.

Adversity is the true measure of the man.

- I'm sorry if you thought I was being patronizing.

- Ah, ya fuckin' know ya were.

But you don't need to change your act.

Your audience like you for what you are.

- I do know my own audience.

- So shut up John and don't presume to give advice

to me, the great and all-knowing comedian.

- That's not what I'm saying.

- You know, maybe you should take this as a warning,

start changing your act.

It'd be a tragedy if you were living

on the tiny storm in a tea cup scandals of the 70s

about all the old religious bollocks

that no one gives a shite about.

You should be lookin' forward.

Who's not gonna respect that?

- Are you determined to have a row?

Good.

- I just want to be treated with a minimum of respect.

- Come on.

- I appreciate that you've succeeded in life until now

and I haven't but you've no need

to ram it down my throat.

- I'm not doing that.

I'm goin' outta my way not to do that.

- Yeah, and making it totally obvious

that's what you are doing.

- It's a bloody tricky line to walk.

- Don't make me feel worse than I already do.

- I'm not, I'm getting you to your appointment.

- Would it hurt you to pretend

that my advice was welcome and wise?

Ah, John, you're right there,

you alcoholic shit-for-brains,

I hadn't thought of it like that.

- You feel that, I don't make ya feel it.

- Yes ya do.

Ya always have.

Come and be a comedian like me,

I'll fix you a meet and get you an agent.

- Yeah, and you never turned up for any of them.

- You're shoutin' at me now.

- You didn't though, did you?

- You've got fate.

In spite of all the church bashing, you believe in yourself

and I know why too, 'cause you were always the favorite.

- No I wasn't.

- Yes ya were, lappin' it up like it was your due.

- And what good did it do me?

He was dead by the time I was 12.

- You were dad's favorite.

You were mum's favorite.

Christ, no wonder you've got such a massive ego.

(Dave laughs) Ya have, all comedians do.

Some courage, I grant you, but mainly a massive ego.

That's why I couldn't do it.

Why I never made the meetings.

(man shouts)

- Christ, watch out.

- Bastard!

- [Dave] What are you doing?

- All right, sorry, mate.

- That was completely reckless, you coulda killed someone.

- All right, calm down grandad, I'm just having a laugh.

- [Dave] Leave it.

- Hey, you apologize, you maniac.

- Oh shut up, lard ass, you're not even disabled.

- Don't you speak to my brother like,

and neither are you.

- Hey, you're that bloke.

Oh don't tell me.

- No, no, no, we haven't got time

for your brain to clank round, Einstein.

He's Dave Allen and you nearly crushed him.

- And his brother.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right, Dave Allen,

I remember you.

- Of course it's right.

He knows who it is and he's gonna kick your arse.

- Yeah, yeah, my dad's a big fan of yours.

- [Dave] Come on, let's go, we're gonna be late.

- Well, here, just a minute.

Can I get an autograph.

- Not even a please.

No ya can't.

- I wasn't speakin' to you, trampy.

I was speakin' to him.

- No, piss off.

- Dunno what my dad was laughin' at.

I always thought you were shit.

- You can't even steer a fucking wheelchair,

why should we care what you think?

(upbeat music)

Nobody messes with the Tynan O'Mahony brothers.

- Nope.

- Mainly 'cause it takes too long to say it

and they can't pronounce it.

(upbeat music)

What are you doin'?

- Was gonna give myself a moment.

Dealing with hecklers, stressful.

You can't even steer a fucking wheelchair.

(men laughing)

I always said you were funnier than me.

- No ya didn't.

- I did.

- You don't have to get another series.

I mean, you could call it a day.

You've done it all.

- Oh no, you gotta keep going.

You gotta keep trying.

You know, maybe there's more.

I could still surprise myself.

- C'mon, push, we're nearly there.

(peaceful music)

I am not the same as you.

I'm the funniest man in the pub,

I'm not a comedian.

They're different things.

- You could've had. - No, no could've, should've.

I hate your success.

It highlights my failure.

- You're not a failure.

You're not a failure, Johnny.

You've worked, you've had fun, and.

- And?

(Dave sighs)

Exactly.

I've worked and I've drunk

and now I'm like Jesus, that was quick.

Where did all the time go.

- But everyone thinks that, I think that.

- Don't compare us.

- Why not, we are similar?

- You're rich, famous, and funny.

You've been all over the world.

You've had a wife and kids.

Look at me.

I've got nothin', nothin'.

I am nothing.

I've drank my whole life away

and I've no one to blame except meself.

- Well don't look at me and think it's all perfect.

I've made mistakes, I've made a lot of mistakes.

My marriage, it didn't last.

Sure, kids are great but they don't fix your life.

Problems don't just disappear.

We all have those moments when we're alone and lonely

in the middle of the night and you're full of fear.

Full of regret.

You haven't got a monopoly on those.

Your success doesn't shield you

from facing the things we all have to face.

- Drink does.

(suspenseful music)

What will you do if it all goes away?

- I don't know.

Try to see what's off to the side?

- What the fuck does that mean?

- Sit in the garden, paint.

- You do know this won't work.

- Can you carry on trying?

(melancholy music)

- You've been a brother to me.

- And you to me.

(peaceful music)

(people laughing)

I tell religious jokes.

And most of us are adults

and we find them funny or we don't.

(people laughing)

There was a time when some parts

of Irish society took issue with me telling these jokes

and I received threats, serious, possibly,

and one time visiting Dublin,

I was meeting my brother for a drink

and to be on the safe side, we took a taxi to a pub

outside of town.

We got there, we got to the bar,

we ordered some drinks

and after a while this man comes in

and sits off down to the side of the bar.

Didn't order a drink but after a while we noticed

that he was lookin' over at us every now and again

and to be on the safe side, we left,

went to another bar

and exactly the same thing happened.

Shortly after we arrived,

this man comes in, sits off down to the side,

doesn't order a drink, starts looking over at us.

Again, we left.

Next bar, same thing happens.

In the fourth bar, I can't stand it anymore.

I march over to this man, I grab him by the lapels,

I throw him to the floor,

"Who are you?

"Who are you?

"Why are you following us?"

And the man says, "I'm your taxi driver."

(people laughing)

(telephone ringing)

Hello.

Yes. (melancholy music)

Oh no.

No. (poignant music)

How? (melancholy music)

(Dave sighs)

I'll come.

No, thanks for calling.

Yes, (sighs), thanks.

Bless you for that.

(melancholy music)

- [Man] He'd have a whole puppet.

Always the life and soul.

Such a shame.

They say he was the funniest, eh?

Just too fixed on havin' a good time.

Great guy, haven't seen him for years.

(melancholy music)

- I gave up.

- Bully for you.

Wish I could.

- The lord only gives you strength for so much.

- Well, I'll not rise to that.

- I thought that was your job.

I hate smokin' now, can't stand it.

Or the fact that I was ever stupid enough

to get conned into it in the first place.

- He thought the world of you, you know?

- And me him.

- You did as much as anyone possibly could to help him.

You can't blame yourself.

- I don't, I blame God.

(man chuckles)

Obviously I do feel guilty.

How could I not but I also don't see

what else I could've done.

- He carved his path just as you carved yours.

You mustn't think that he didn't do his best.

I'm sure he did.

In his way.

- Yeah, I think he was true to himself.

Or tried to be.

- [Father] He made a choice.

- Yeah, he did.

We all do.

- I don't think he chose death.

We can't tell.

But I believe God knows and John's with God now.

He's found peace.

- Come on father, you've been a friend for years

and I know you're tryin' to help

but what a load of bollocks.

(priest laughing)

(melancholy music)

(audience applauding)

Good evening and welcome to the show.

It's slightly different to previous shows.

It's shorter, there are no sketches.

Frankly, it's cheap. (audience laughs)

I have, in fact, retired,

but in order to live in the style I'm used to,

I need to work.

An Irish retirement. (audience laughs)

- You don't need it.

- I swear in my stage show.

- Your TV audience is different.

It's already a new style of show.

- We are all ruled by time, whether we like it or not,

slaves to time, to the clock.

We get outta bed to the clock,

we go to work to the clock.

- I think it'll alienate people.

They don't like swearing in their homes.

- What, at half 10 on a Saturday night?

- Before match of the day.

It's family viewing for some.

- We get the tain to the clock,

we get our lunch to the clock,

we leave work to the clock.

- Why risk offending them?

Why mess it up with one word?

- I don't think that I will.

We get home to the clock,

we have our dinner to the clock,

we go to bed to the clock.

- You don't need it, you're Dave fucking Allen

for Christ's sake.

- There, ya see?

Ya said it, sometimes only a fuck will do.

And after we've spent our whole lives living to the clock,

we finally get to retire

and after all that, what do they give you?

A fucking clock!

(audience laughing)

(telephone rings)

Hello, BBC complains department.

(telephone babbling)

Ah, yes, we've had a lot of calls about.

(telephone babbling)

I don't see. (telephone babbling)

Is match of the day? (telephone babbling)

And you objected to?

(telephone babbling)

Yes, it was strong language.

(telephone babbling)

I think. (telephone babbling)

In context. (telephone babbling)

I really think. (telephone babbling)

If you would just let me. (telephone babbling)

Sometimes, only that word. (telephone babbling)

Madam. (telephone babbling)

Please. (telephone babbling)

Oh, fuck off. (audience laughing)

- You should be staying out of sight.

- [Dave] Why?

- Fuss.

TV's Mr. Sweary and that carry on.

- Let them say what they wanna say.

- [Producer] What, you're just gonna ignore it?

- Well, some people need to get upset.

Religion, a word, what can I do?

It's a good Anglo-Saxon word, everybody uses it.

It's a stress mark, a release.

I'm not gonna sanitize my mouth or my show.

I do what I do.

I think that I'm right and they're wrong

and I can't do anything about that either.

(door bangs)

(engine rumbles) (peaceful music)

(peaceful music)

- So, you've got an ax and I put my finger on the block

and I say you wanted to chop

and you say I definitely move it and!

- There you go, you got it.

You figure it out in your head,

you laugh at it, you forget about it,

and you get on with livin'.

That's the best way.

Then again, you're a bright one,

maybe you'll think of a better way.

Buggered if I can.

(peaceful music)

- Do you know what's for dinner?

Finger rolls and there's nine of them, same as you.

- Is that true? - Yeah.

- That's quite funny.

- A bit funny.

(all chuckling)

- Okay, your mother's comin'.

Play dead, we've all been gassed

by a stray German bomb.

- That's a bit mean.

- Shut up, she loves it.

- Oh no, they've all been killed for sure!

Whatever will I do, oh woe, woe is me.

(all laughing)

- What did I tell ya?

(peaceful music)

- A man dies, goes to heaven, gets lots.

It's vast, no idea where to go.

Suddenly, an angel appears.

"Why hello, are you lost?"

"Yes I am."

"Why don't I show you the ropes?"

"Why, I'd like that very much, thank you.

"What's in this room here?"

"Oh, well, that's the Muslim room

"and this, this room is for the Hindus

"and that's the Jewish room

"and that is for the Anglicans."

And suddenly the angel's voice drops to a whisper.

"And we must be very quiet and tiptoe past this one."

"Why, who's in there?"

"The Catholics, they think they're the only ones in here."

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

Thank you very much, good night,

and may your God go with you.

(audience clapping)

(upbeat music)