All language subtitles for 66[[77dd33ee

I love this town.

It's a joke.

I love jokes.

For that matter...

my life's a joke.

Did you hear the one about
the rabbi, the producer,

and the studio executive who
walk into a bar?

# Opera #

- Uncle Charlie!
Hi, it's me, Lionel!

I just got here now!
I took the bus!

- This is a bad time, Lionel.

- What?

- I'm not well.

- What?

Oh, Jesus.

A rabbi, an undertaker,
and my freaking nephew

walk into a bar!

- Hey! I tried to...

Did you know your
phone's out of order?

- Yeah, it's the...

- Mom says hi. She's
worried about you.

She wants you to
call her. Could I--

- I'm not alone.

You know what I mean?

- Oh!

Sorry. Got it.

- Yeah, she's...

Come back later.

- I did it. I did what I said,
Uncle Charlie.

- Great!

Yeah, it's about
Benjamin Disraeli

and the Tariff Laws of 1876.

- This is great.
- William Gladstone--

- Come back tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?

Oh, OK.

Um, I can find a place.
A motel or...

- Good.

- What time?
- 5:00.

- OK, I hope you like it.

They got pretty vicious, so...

OK.

# Opera #

- Fuck! Fuck! Motherfuck!

# Opera #

Wait a second.

A rabbi, a producer,

and a recently-converted
Jewish black action star

walk into a bar.

Now, that's funny.

Brad?

- Charlie, we have a--

- I just need 2 minutes.

- I'm going into a meeting.
- Two seconds?

- I'll see you in there.

- I was just talking about you.
I had lunch with...

- That's OK. You don't
have to think of a name.

I'm leaving the agency.

- Oh...

Charlie, that's bad news.
I hate hearing that.

- You'll get over it.

- Probably for the best.

We really haven't
scored for you.

I can't help feeling
it's my fault.

- I feel that way too.

Sign this for me, would you?

- What is it?

- It terminates our
contract as of today.

- Any projects we need to--

- There are no projects.

You've never got me a job.

- Yeah.

How you been?

- I'm good.

Well, suicidal.

My nephew interrupted that,

and he gave me this
Benjamin Disraeli script.

- Benjamin Disraeli?
- British Prime Minister.

- What happened to Tony Blair?

- You didn't hear?
- No! What?

- No, I'm just kidding you.

This was before Tony Blair.

I'm going to attach
Bobby Mason to it.

- Ah! Ha ha! OK!

You go get 'em!

Let me show you out.

- Brad?
- Yeah?

- You got something
green in your teeth.

- Hello there!

- Charlie Berns.
- Rabbi Gutterman.

Are you here for the
B'nai B'rith meeting?

- Actually, I'm here to
discuss business, Rabbi.

- Ah. Sit. Sit down.

- I'm making a movie
about Judaism.

- Judaism?

- Based on the life
of Benjamin Disraeli.

- Did you know that
Jews were not allowed

to sit in the House
of Commons before 1858?

- No, I didn't know that.

That's why we want to bring
someone like you on board.

As sort of a technical advisor.

- Technical advisor?

- Associate producer
would be the actual term.

- Well, I'm a busy man.

The congregation, I'm on
the Mayor's Youth Council...

I'm the Chairman of the
West Coast Symposium

on Humanistic Revisionism.

We talking above the line here?

- Absolutely.

- Who's directing?

- Hasn't been set.

- Who do you have
in mind for Disraeli?

- Well, in my wildest, let's be
bold, anyone you want wish list,

and this is where
you could help...

I'm thinking of
going against type.

- Robin Williams.

- Farther against type.

-You've reached Steven
Holly at Daily Variety.

Leave a message.

- Steven, it's
Charlie Berns calling.

I got word that you guys are
planning to run with a story

that Matt Damon is attached

to this Benjamin Disraeli
Bobby Mason picture

that I'm producing.

I don't know how this
story got started.

- "First-time scribe

"Lionel Travitz options
in the low 6 figures."

- Don't believe
everything you read.

- "Exec producer
Rabbi Seth Gutterman...

"Mason's manager re-confirms
Bobby's interest

"in projects with Jewish themes.

"Questions of circumcision
and bar mitzvah

"were met with no comment."

I don't know, they seem
really hot on this.

- Is this today's?
- Yeah.

- "Mason chasin' Ben Dis"?

-What if the feeding frenzy
you were talking about

doesn't happen?

He does kung-fu.

- Lionel, you're
doing it again.

- He's an action star.

He's black.

Ben Disraeli was a
middle aged, white,

like, historical...

- Fuck me!

- Lionel, this is
your first script.

It's a $100 million
Bobby Mason picture.

You should have such problems.

- Hey, what about
You should have Jeremy Irons?

- What do you know about a
Bobby Mason Disraeli script?

- Nothing. I have a
call into his manager.

- Who's Charlie Berns?

- Did a couple of
things in the mid-80s.

Broken Ringput
him on the map.

Best Picture nomination.
Golden Globe.

- Since then?

- Bunch of crap.

Last picture, 2000.

- Buy that script.

- Has anybody read it?

- It doesn't matter.

- Benjamin Disraeli?
And Bobby would play who?

- Deidre, just buy the script.

- Howard...

Could you close
the door, please?

Is it true the Canadians
are buying the studio?

- Whatever happens, you'll be
fine. I got your back.

- What are those?

- From the wedding.

- Whose wedding?
- Cindy's.

It was really nice.
Too bad you couldn't make it.

It was at Phyllis'
house on Block Island.

Everyone was asking about you.

- What's his name?

- Tim?

- Tim.

- Good guy.

-You're a tough man
to get a hold of.

- New phone system.
Got to work the bugs out.

- Can I get your cell?

- Don't really carry one.
Haven't had the need for it.

- Hmm.

How do I get a hold of you?
Your agent Brad Emprin?

- He's not really
my agent anymore.

I thought we could just wrap
this up today, you and me.

- Wrap what up?
- The deal.

Bill and Ben.
Just green-light it.

- I don't have a script.
- I'll get you one.

- This is the English Disraeli?

18-whatever?

- Yeah.
- Bobby Mason?

- We'll tailor the script for
him. I'll hire a new writer.

- Mr. Berns...
- Charlie. I'm not that old.

We could date.

- I'm not sure what
it is exactly

that you think we
could accomplish.

- That's a really
good-looking man.

Bobby's got a window of about 5
months before the Ridley thing.

So we've got to really
move this along.

- I can't OK a script
I've never read.

- It doesn't matter
what you or I think,

it's a Bobby Mason picture.

- Well, Charlie,

we have a procedure here,
and I think we'll stick to it.

I need to read the script and
then get it to Bobby's people.

Then I'll make a
recommendation to my boss,

and then we'll put that
script in development

and we'll do that as quickly
as we possibly can.

- You are so good
at what you do.

- Thank you.

- A lot of people,
women in particular,

are really bitter and angry
because of the pointlessness,

the powerlessness
of their job.

But you have a lot of dignity,

and I really like that.

Thanks for talking to me.

- So you'll send me the script?

- Oh, now you're just
fucking with me.

- Wow.

# Smooth vocal jazz #

And then he say
to me, "We can date."

And with this little
smile on his face,

he says my job is useless,

I'm powerless,

and nobody gives
a shit what I think.

Which is true, but I can't
stand that he said that.

And I'm angry and bitter
but I cover well.

Can you turn that shit down?

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Hello, Howard.

Yes, I met with him today.
Charlie Berns.

What? Well, why?

I told him we were interested.

Well, I just thought that
someone might want to read it.

Howard, I'll do it first
thing tomorrow morning.

OK.

OK, I'm going to do it tonight.

All right, thank you, Howard.
Good night.

- Dinner in two minutes!

- Excuse me!

- Hi!

Hi! I'm looking for Charlie Berns.

- He's asleep.

Are you with
Jeremy Irons' people?

- No, I'm from the studio.
Deidre Hearn.

- Oh! Uh, right!

Um, hi.

I'm Lionel Travitz.

- Nice to meet you.
Oh, you're the...

- Writer. I wrote Bill and Ben.

- Well, good for you.

Can I get a clean copy
of the script from you?

- Yeah. Sure.

Um, yeah.

- Well, I hate to wake
him at 1:15 like this,

but it's important.

Could you...

- I'm awake.
Come into my office.

- Uh, it's just right
down to the right.

And then in the hallway.

- Down the hall!

I'm in the back!

You're getting warm!

You didn't bring
coffee, did you?

- Sorry.

- I have pants on.

- Fascinating.

- No, I'm telling you that so
you'll be comfortable.

- Thank you.

Listen, I told you
we were interested.

Why did you take it
to Universal?

- Oh, don't get all
army-foldy on me.

I played your boss, not you.

Your studio's going
to the Canadians.

He's got to go to the board

with the new Bobby Mason picture
to keep his job.

I just nudged him.

I tried to nudge you,

but you're not nudgeable.

I'm a Wily Coyote.

I put a deal memo together
on that pile of crap.

- You're a bargain!

- My fee's
a little outrageous

put I do have you
over a barrel.

The budget's $100 mil,
plus or minus 10.

I don't know what
Bobby costs these days.

- There's a tree in your pool.

- California Pepper.

- It's a Jacaranda.

- Here's a clean
copy for you.

- No, no, no.

- Thank you so much.

- You can't see that.

- For me.
No one will see it.

- No. Thank you, Lionel.

Lionel...

So, when do we start shooting?

- We can't make a movie
if we don't have a script.

- Wait, I didn't want to
embarrass my nephew,

but I hired a new writer.

You'll have a script
in a couple of days.

- Couple of days?

- I have to pee.

And I wasn't completely
honest about my pants.

- I'll see myself out.

- OK, tell 'em to call me.

- OK.

- How are they going
to call you, Char...

How are they going
to call you, Charlie,

if you don't have a phone?

- You are one sharp cookie.

Tell them, I'll call them.

- Are they going to make it?

- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, where's my script?

What's this?

Six Days of Darkness?

- I like that girl.

- Fuck you!

- How's it coming, Wing?

- The script? Yeah, OK.
You bring the cash?

- Let me read a couple
of pages first.

- OK.

Next time, huh?
I trust you.

OK, weapons expert,

he go off deep end in Desert
Storm, emigrate to Israel.

- That's good.

- Chick operative,
she grow up in kibbutz.

Drive tank and give
hand job same time!

- I'm lovin' it!

- Picture Beirut.
Suicide mission.

-Bill and Ben?

- It's an indie.
It's an art film.

Beautifully-written.

- Bobby Mason?

- It's William Gladstone
and Benjamin Disraeli

debating tariff laws in
the House of Commons

during the reign
of Queen Victoria.

- Bobby likes it?

- Bobby hasn't read it.
He doesn't read scripts.

It's his rabbi.

He's Jewish now.

- Make it work!

I'm going into the boardroom

and announcing that we're making
the next Bobby Mason picture.

So make it work!

- Bobby cannot do
this script.

Bobby Mason
doesn't do words.

He kicks, he flips,
he runs from explosions,

he beats people up.

I mean, what is this?

"I was not blind

"to the worldly advantages
of such an alliance.

"I found you as I thought."

What is that?
Some kind of joke?

- How about a
calming chai latte?

This is what happens

when people take things
that don't belong to them.

Tomorrow, you will have
a new Bobby Mason script

on your desk.

He will kick, he will flip,

he will kill people,

and everyone will love it.

- Why are you doing this?

- For fun.

We're in the
entertainment business.

I'm entertaining myself.

What else are
we going to do?

Get all depressed and suck on
the tailpipe of our car?

- Argh...

- Deidre?

Are you sleeping with anyone?

- Excuse me?

- It's just...

I haven't had sex
for a long time.

- Oh...

I get it. You're shocking.

Well, I'm not surprised you
haven't had sex in a long time,

because you're also
crude and disgusting.

- Are you?

- I am engaged to be married.
His name is Glenn.

He is a corporate lawyer.
He's great-looking.

A gourmet chef.

He's got a terrific dick

and he really knows
how to use it.

What else can I
tell you about him?

- Wow.

- Wow exactly.

- I'm just saying I could've
done the re-write.

I could've taken your notes.

- Lionel, listen to me.

You've already done the
heavy lifting in this thing.

You've got your name on
a Bobby Mason picture.

Relax. Enjoy the ride.

- But I'm just saying--

- Let me put it
to you this way.

Think of yourself as the
architect of a cathedral.

You decide where the nave
and the pulpit goes,

but you don't actually paint
stained glass windows.

You get a craftsman to do that.

- What if I don't like the
stained glass windows?

- You'll like 'em, trust me.

- That's cool.

- Yeah. That's what
we all live for.

Our name on a parking space.

Hun, how was work?

- Wow, it's cool.
Is this all ours?

- Easy, big fella.

- Oh, the executive suite!

- Who are you?

- I'm Catherine Oxenmoor.

I've been assigned to you
temporarily from the studio

till you get your own secretary.

- Oh.

- I started yesterday.

- What have you been doing?
- Um...

- Lionel, go to the commissary.

- Hi.
- Commissary!

- It's just across
the courtyard.

Get us some
coffee and something.

- This is very cool,
Uncle Charlie.

- Deidre Hearn has been
trying to reach you.

Should I ring her?

- No. I'll need
25 copies of that.

Get one to Deidre Hearn.

That young fella who left,
don't give one to him.

- Who is that?
- He's the writer.

- Shall I get
Deidre Hearn for you?

- No.

- Um, where are you going?

- To get some coffee.

- Didn't you send
the writer for coffee?

- Good coffee.

- They dropped off these forms

for office furniture.

You can choose Southwestern,
Contemporary, Traditional,

Oriental, Mexican...

- You decide.
- You want me to choose?

- Yes.

Shit!

- What?

- Would you pull on that
little string right there?

A little lower...

Thank you.

Tell Lionel I'll see him later.

- Who's Lionel?

- The writer.

Very sexy!

- Excuse me?
- Hot!

- What is wrong with you?

- Is that the V-series?
- I don't know!

This is a cell phone.

Use it.

- This is a gift for me?
- Yes.

- Seriously?
- Yes.

- Oh!

This is Peter and Paul.

They're our new writers.

I thought we should have them
here for the meeting.

Guys, Deidre Hearn
from the studio.

- Hi.
- Right. Yes.

Charlie, can we talk?

There isn't going
to be a meeting.

The script has gone from
a beautifully-written

arthouse film to--

- Action-adventure?

- It is crass, vulgar,

anti-Semitic, anti-Arab,

anti-Muslim, sexist--

- Pile of dogshit! That's
why I got the new writers!

- We are not sending this
script to Bobby Mason.

- We already did.

That's why we're
having this meeting.

OK guys, let's
go take a meeting.

Come on!

- OK, so, Ben Disraeli,
freedom fighter...

Mind if I just jump in there?
Put in my 5--

Should we wait for Bobby?

- A little cart
before the horse.

Bobby doesn't do meetings.

- I thought it was
called Bill and Ben.

- This is the new draft.

- I'm sorry, Rabbi.

My assistant didn't get the new
draft to you. She's a temp.

- I'm only the
executive producer.

- Associate.

- We all know a Bobby Mason
picture's not high art,

and we get some pretty
horrendous scripts,

but Deidre,
it's pure horseshit.

No way we'll do this.

- Paul and I
have some ideas.

There are some
thematic themes...

- Can I trouble you
for some Sweet and Low?

- Mark, it was premature
for you to get this draft.

It needs a lot of work.

There was a
communications glitch.

- So the Arabs have the
drop on Ben and the girl.

What if instead,
he makes a speech,

like something from
the Torah or the Talmud...

Rabbi, help me out.

- Don't ask me, I wasn't
even sent a script.

- I know Bobby's been on this
yit kick... No offense, Rabbi.

- None taken.

- Bobby is looking
for Jewish content,

and we are
committed to that,

and it is a daunting task.

- Guys, I don't know. I'm not a
writer, I'm just a manager.

Like here, there's a big action
sequence which is OK,

but then you need a rest.

And if there's ever
a place for a joke..

again, I'm not a writer,

but page 36, joke.

I'd think that would be
an appropriate moment.

- Two Jews are shopping
for swimwear...

You tell this.

She tells this so well.

Come on, hon.

- So, that went well,
don't you think?

- It did. You can
green light the picture.

They need to start
shooting by April.

- What?

- Hold on one second.
Guys, great meeting.

- It went well.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna have to let
you go. Excellent notes.

Very intuitive.

- You want to fill me in?
- Mark's going to try.

We'll have a script
in 2 weeks.

- He's a manager.

- Yeah, but he
really wants to write.

Meet me at the Sky Bar.

- Why?
- To celebrate.

We're making a movie!

Crap!

Well, yahoo yahoo!
We are making a picture!

We are a go!

They're going to start rolling
the cameras in April.

You doing your laundry?

- This is not
stained glass windows!

In fact, there's not a word of
mine in this entire script!

- There's got to be one.

- No. You betrayed me.

This is garbage! And I don't
want my name on it.

- You're just saying that
because you're angry

and because you got taste.

But don't take
your name off it.

No name, no residuals. Trust me.

- Trust you?

Fuck you!

Everyone warned me
about Hollywood.

But it's not Hollywood, it's not
showbiz, it's you Uncle Charlie,

and it's people like you!

I spent 2 years on this script!

I wrote and I re-wrote it,

and I didn't stop
until it was perfect,

and this is what you do?

- Deidre Hearn
liked your script.

And she's smart.

Keep writing.

All this idealism,
it's charming,

if it works for you.

Write the truth.

Extol the virtues
of motherhood.

But Mom better be 20 years old
with great tits.

- There you go.
Thank you.

- You want to explore the
triumphs and failures

of humankind, you go for it.

But you better blow
something up by page 20!

- Take my name off
this goddamn script!

Shit!

- Sweet mother of God,
is it always this hot?

- No, this is autumn.

Summertime hot.

- When the terrorists
are at the mines

and the camels start to run--

- Camels? No camels.

- It says it the script--

- I don't work
with no camels.

If you want to make a movie
about shitting camels, OK.

No camels!

- This is good. I like.

- We can shoot in
that direction only.

Here we have the nuclear power
plant, and here you have--

- Beautiful! We shoot
in that direction.

- This is the Table Mountain.

You don't have a
Table Mountain in the script.

- Two minutes, guys,
then we flip a coin.

- Nazi idiot!

- Charlie, we got a
situation here, mate.

- We've searched fruitlessly
for days for this exact look!

- We cannot shoot but in
that direction only.

- Is there any difference in
cost between the 2 locations?

- Nah, 6 of one.

- Call it, Levy.

- It's not a joke,
it's not a game.

- OK, you're heads.

Tails. Hans wins.

- Not funny, Charlie.
You mock me, and--

- Be a sport. Maybe
you'll win the next one.

- I can't work like this!

- Are you quitting?

Levy, what's the name

of that Australian director
you can't stand?

The one who won.

- Soundman, not the director!

- The year you were nominated
and he won. What's his name?

- Nightmare! Nightmare!

- You guys look exhausted.

Listen, Levy, Fiona Hicks.

I've worked out the dates with
her agent for that conflict,

so can I book?

- It's all shadow.
I cannot see her body.

Ask her to Polaroid her body,
then I make decision.

- I can't ask her to do that.

- She have nice tits?

I assume so.
She's 26 years old.

- Call her agent and book her.

Then have the art department
Photoshop Fiona's head

onto a nice body
and give it to Levy.

- Boss, these are for you.

- No, you answer them all,

or just throw them away.

- Mr. Bern's office.

Just a moment.
It's your assistant.

- You're my assistant.

- Your L.A. assistant,
Catherine.

- I have an L.A. assistant?

Hello?

Did I get the swatches?

- What are swatches?

- Yeah, I got 'em.
They're just fine.

You decide. Whatever
you want is fine with me.

Just not Mexican.

I hate Mexican.

# Mexican music #

- Mr. Berns, dinner
is cancelled for tonight

and rescheduled
for tomorrow night.

- Good. What dinner?

- With the studio executive.

- She's coming tonight?
- I believe so.

- Is she staying at my hotel?
- I believe so.

- Tell Andrei and Levy I'll
take the suit to dinner.

Keep the reservation for 2.

Put some flowers in her room.

- Yes, sir.

- And a nice bottle of wine.

- Charlie, Danny Turner.
How's it going?

How are you?
How's the prep going?

You about two weeks out?

- Good evening, sir.

- Grey Goose martini,
extra olives.

Thanks for the
flowers, by the way.

- Who are you?

- Dan Turner.

- Where's Deidre Hearn?
- She's development.

Look, it's no secret I'm
not a fan of this project--

- Deidre Hearn isn't coming?

- No, you're stuck with me.

- Could you excuse yourself?

- Excuse me?
- Yes, could you?

- Could I...

- I want to have dinner here,

but I don't want
to have dinner with you.

- I'm sorry I came
across a little strong

about the script,
but I'm tired.

- No, the script's
a piece of shit.

It's just that I don't want
to have dinner with you.

Don't worry, I'll
drink your martini.

Howard Draper, please.

Could you give Howard a message?

It's Charlie Berns calling from
Ben Disraeli: Freedom Fighter.

Tell him Bobby--

That's all right. Disraeli.

Tell him Bobby Mason
absolutely insists

that Deidre Hearn be assigned to
be the studio exec on this film.

He says it's a deal breaker.

Yes, I would call
it an emergency.

- Thank you for flying
South African Airways.

- Thank you. You guys
have been great.

Hey! Who do you think you are?

Howard Draper is not
a man that you threaten.

And if he weren't in
corporate shit right now

you would be so gone!

- Welcome to Cape Town,

mother city of South Africa.

- Where am I staying?
- At a hotel.

- What hotel?
- We're all at the same hotel.

- I want to stay at
a different hotel.

- OK.

- I'm engaged.

- Yes, you told me
at the coffee shop.

He's got a very talented cock.

Can I help you with that?

- No, get away.

- I mean, if you're
just going to be bitchy,

shit, might as well go home.

- Oh...

So this is why I
had to rush over here?

Why I had to rearrange
my whole life,

because you thought
you'd get lucky?

Well, tough luck, pal.

I'm here and I'm staying.

There's a new sheriff in town

and I'm going to
watch you like a hawk.

Next time, try thinking
with your big head.

Ah! Are you smiling?

What are you smiling about?

- Nothing. I'm relieved,
that's all.

- About what?

- For a bit there,

I thought you weren't
attracted to me.

I bring out a
lot of passion in you.

and you brought up
having an affair.

Plus, you referenced my penis.

I can't do tricks
with it, but...

Wait, where you going? Hold on.

OK, don't hurt yourself.

- Oh, dammit!

Where the hell am I going?

- I'm not telling!

Ha ha!

- Temple on fire,
shit everywhere.

Bobby run through columns,
shoot bad guy.

Pow! Pow!

Camera track,
Bobby see flames, Torah.

Bad guy leap in front of Bobby,

Bobby kick bad guy.
Bye-bye!

Bad guy! Boom!

Bobby jump, swing over fire.

Gets Torah.

Bobby see girl.

Wounded, unconscious,
legs for days.

Bobby pick up girl.

Bobby, girl, and Torah run.

Bobby, run, run...

Big explosion! Boom!

Temple destroyed.

All one shot.

- I shoot in pieces.

- No coverage.
This is my shot.

My signature shot.

- I got a ballpark from
various departments.

This one shot
is well over 100.

- Can't we build it in Prague?

We got that government fund
we have to use up.

- No Fiona. She's only boarded
for Cape Town.

It's a lot of
money. Charlie?

- Deidre?

- Um...

This is not my
area of expertise.

- But what does
the studio think?

- Well, it is an action movie,

and action is pretty
much all we've got.

So...

- I think Deidre is absolutely
right. Let's do it!

Hey Levy, you won one!

- Way to go, mate.

- Sorry Hans, missed that.

- Don't ever do
that to me again.

- What?

- Put me on the
spot like that.

- I was trying
to include you.

I thought you'd like to
be asked your opinion,

being a woman and all.

- I know you're trying to be
insulting and I'm not biting.

Let's finish the studio notes.

- Go ahead.

- No, sit. These are important
and we need to address them.

OK, we did these...

- Would you like
a cup of coffee?

- No, thank you.

The studio is concerned
about the fuck scenes.

Fuck scenes between people
of different colours

can be offensive to--

- I'm sorry. This is my job.

- Is it all right if they ride
in the same jeep together?

- Yes, as long as she
doesn't go down on him.

Wait a minute, what is that?

Is there another
movie on the lot?

- No, those are Bobby's.

Bobby's pop-out, Bobby's gym,
and Bobby's mobile temple.

- Ah... prissy.

Well, of course.

I have to call Howard,
see what we're doing.

- Why? What's going on?

- They sold the studio
to the Canadians.

- Hey, it's the grand poobah!

The big cheese!

- Hey, did you
hear my great news?

I am starting a...
Wait, what am I starting?

- A bold, exciting new--

- A bold exciting new
chapter of my life.

- Well, congratulations.

- Don't you worry, a door
closes, a window ope

- Hopefully not
on a high floor.

- Good night, everyone.

- Ah, don't you look
so very Hemingway.

Would you like to
buy a lady a drink?

- I would love to.

- Great.

Fresh meat to lay my troubles on.
I wore her out.

So, you're losing your job.

- No, but I'm going to.

If Howard goes, I go.

Oh. I'd like a
vodka on the rocks

with a twist.

And here's the twist.

I'd like a double.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you.

Yeah, CGC bought the
studio. $2.16 a share.

So here's my question.

I am a team player.
I am a paragon of integrity.

And yet still,

I am hanging onto Howard
Draper's coattails by a thread.

I am draped on Draper.

He'll take care of me though.

Yeah.

- Oh yeah.

- Good evening.

- Ah!

You're a little bit early.

Deidre, this is...

- Gabriella.
- Hi.

- I was told it was only--

- Yes. I'm not going
to make you wait.

I've got that phone
number for you.

- Thank you very much.

- I'll do a 3-way with
the lady, but it costs.

- No, change of plans.

- You still pay one hour.
- Absolutely. Shake my hand.

- Take my card.

- I'm going to walk away,

I'm going to say,
"I'll call him tonight."

and you say, "Thank you."

I'll call him later tonight.

- Thank you.

- Who was that?

- Oh, Peter, my driver.

- That can't be
Peter, your driver.

- That's his daughter. She wants
to get on the film.

I gave her a number.

But you were going
to ask me a question.

- Were you ever married?

- Repeatedly.
- Huh.

But that is not my question.

Are you having any fun?

That is my question,
because I don't think I am.

I mean, I would
love to be like you.

You have no integrity.

- Thank you.

- I have to take
my hat off to you.

Hmm.

OK, give it back.

If I sleep with you,
can I go home?

- No.

- Pff...

- Charlie?

Charlie, it's Andrei!

- Oh!
- Ah!

- I tried to call you!

- This better be good.

- I'm so sorry, boss.

Bobby's here. He wants
to see you right away.

Evening, Rabbi.

- Charlie, any chance of
changing to Bobby's hotel?

My room's a little small, and--

- No.

- Hey!

- Charlie Berns.
This is Deidre Hearn.

- How you doing?
- Hey, man.

- Check this out.

Crew hats.
Are these phat or what?

Just want to make sure you're
this type of shit.

It's real important to me.
Bring the crew together.

Team-building.

You gotta pass the ball.

Excuse me, I gotta hit the rack.

Woo! Fantastic!

- Is this what you wanted
to talk to us about?

- I got questions about the
script, but that's tomorrow.

I'm excited about this one.
The spiritual aspects.

- He said it was important.

- Thank you.
- Good night.

- No, I'm sorry.

You know, I really
shouldn't drink.

So I just believe
we should maintain

a very professional
professionalism.

Good night, Charlie.

- Good night.

- Oh, yes.

- You have room to move?
- Yeah, that's fine.

- Hello?

- Hey! We're
just finishing.

Fiona, this is Deidre
Hearn from the studio.

- Lovely to meet you.

- Thank you for doing
this. I'm such a fan.

- Oh, thank you.

I've got a bit of a concern.

In 127, after the
jeep's rolled over,

and we're scrambling about,

it says I catch my
blouse on the jagged metal.

Now I'm not a prude,

you understand, and
I've been working out,

but it does seem
unlikely, doesn't it,

that the uniform
would tear just so.

See what I mean?

- You have a point.

- It's a little obvious.
- Don't you think?

- Charlie Berns.
Welcome to South Africa.

- We met in London.

- Oh yeah, at the...

- We were just talking.

- Excuse me.
- Scene 127.

I just don't want
it to look set-up.

- The way it rips off.

- Excuse me, Charlie,
can I talk to you?

- Yeah. No, it
shouldn't look obvious.

- Oh good.

- Any way you
get your shirt off

is OK with me.

- Right. OK...

Well, I have an idea.

- Do you?

- I'm looking right
at it. Call you back.

Well, they're furious.

They want to know
if there are

other executive producers
they need to know about.

- Guys, Bobby needs to see
the two of you right away.

He's pretty upset.
He's at the hotel.

- What do you think? Monogrammed
tallises for the crew?

- Oy vey Maria!

So what are you saying? It's too
violent, you want to cut it?

- No, you're missing my point.

There isn't any guy who gets his
ass kicked in one of my movies

who's not a major sleazebag.

A terrorist,
Viet Cong, dope dealer,

anybody against freedom.

Who wrote this shit?

Plus, you got me running
around with an Uzi.

- Fuck a Uzi.

- This guy's slammin'
50-caliber shells

into this jeep!

- You need that Mauser M80.

- Shut the fuck up!

This is about 2,000 years
of persecution.

There's got to be more Jewish
between these bullits!

Am I right, Rabbi?

- Well, I would--

- I don't disagree.

- And the chick, Fiona Hicks.

Is that a Jewish name, Rabbi?

- I have no idea.
Many names have been altered--

- And what shit-ass
decides the temple scene,

the biggest scene
in the fucking movie,

we shoot it on
the second day, huh?

- I'm that shit-ass, Bobby.

But here's what
I'm dealing with.

- Andrei, I think I can
say this for all of us.

Bobby, you're obviously nervous

because we start
shooting tomorrow

and you probably feel foolish

that you didn't read the
script until you got here.

You're worried you're
not a very good actor.

But everybody knows that

and it's just not
important for this movie.

This is nothing but insecurity,

which is completely
understandable

given the grosses
of your last picture.

So here's what
we're going to do.

You'll show up, on time, you'll
use the weapons we give you,

you'll say the lines as written,

or we'll sue your ass!

And all those Bobby
Mason stories

you've managed to keep out of
the press will come to light.

We all have things to do.
You get a good night's sleep.

What time's his call?
- 5:30.

- Good. Learn your lines and
I'll see you on the set.

Oh, and for whatever it's worth,

I think you're absolutely right,
the writing sucks.

I'm going to fire the writer.

Wow, OK...

- What was that tough shit,
tough love, tough producer...

- Yup. I'd say all of that.

- Are they following us?
Let's take the elevator.

- He's not going to show up.

- He'll show up.
- He won't.

- He'll show up.
- Andrei?

- I wouldn't bet on it.

- I will.

- How much?

- We pick it up in the shower,
where he walked in.

- 100 bucks.

- Andrei, you want
a piece of this?

- Thank you.

- No, I meant of the bet.

Well, I don't want it now!

- 100 bucks.
- You're on.

What time is it?

- 5:28.

- Morning!

Hate to bother you with this,

but the director
doesn't have time.

Of course not,
who would at this obscene hour.

- The scene this afternoon.

When... the black chap.
What's his name?

- Bobby Mason.

- When he says,

"Ambassador, if I ever
forget that night,

"then my life don't mean shit,"

what exactly is he referring to?

- He's referring to the
attack on the temple.

- Then what is his relationship
with the Jews?

- He is one. He's Jewish.

- Oh, it does make
more sense, doesn't it?

Thank you so much. Cheers.

Morning!

- It's 5:30.

Pay up.

- Excuse me, these
are from Bobby.

The salmon was flown in
this morning from Scotland.

- Bobby's here?

- He's been here since 5:00.

He's running lines.

He's running lines.you.

What's that phrase, uh...

Oh yeah. I told you so.

- And here we go, and rolling!

Weapons hot, and camera!

- Move! Come on! Go!

Stay low!

- Ben, you're bleeding!

- On my count, I'm going
to take out the sniper,

I want you to get
the machine gun.

OK. Ready?

Go! Go!

- Cut!

- Was that me?

- Come on!
- Sorry!

- Come on!

Who is she? Is she a model?

This is an action movie.

We must stop and re-cast.

It's not fashion TV, man!

This is impossible!

I'm telling you, she throws
like a girl! What is this?

- Let's give Rolf a few moments
to work with the actress.

- Keep this arm straight.

I thought the
last one was better.

- Now you're directing! Shh!

Coffee!

- And stretch!

- Are you coming back, Levy?

- Don't run after me!

- 127 apple, take 5.

127 apple, take 9.

127 apple, take 19.

Take 22.

127 apple, take 23.

- Cut!

-Ladies and gentlemen,
that is a wrap!

Thanks be to God.

- And Steven is the most
generous contributor.

- Really!

- Of course Mel Brooks likes to
come for the High Holy Days.

- Uncle Charlie?

- I hired him.

- Can I talk to
you for a second?

- He's a terrific little writer.

He just has to
clean up a few scenes

and up the Jewish for Bobby.

- Yeah, whatever.
I just wanted to ask you.

Are you going to
sleep with me anymore?

- No.

- Are you sure? That's
what you said before.

- I'm sure.

- You understand the question?
- Yeah.

- Uh, how did it go?

- You're good.
Everything's fine.

- Deidre, I'm so sorry.

I feel like a fool.
At least we got through it.

- Don't worry. Do you
know Lionel Travitz?

- Oh, the writer!

Well, um, bravo.

- Well, I'm more the architect.

- Oh, Hans!
Excuse me, sorry.

We have to talk
about the pre-call.

- Wow, it's an
honour to meet you.

How did your first day go?

- Not particularly well.
Apparently I throw like a girl.

- Well, you are a girl.

- And I sport a black,
lacy bra to prove it.

Care to join me
in a drink or 5?

- Uh, sure.
- Great.

Nice hat.

Oh, thanks.
I got it in Los Angeles.

- Oh, I love L.A.

- Pull the scrim!

I don't care if it's broken.
Get some gaffer tape.

Levy, we got a
bit of a situation.

- Get me coffee.

- Terrorist number 2 has
got a stomach thing.

- I don't give a shit.

- He does. He's stuck
in the bathroom.

- There's a giant hole.
Something's definitely missing.

- Need to say something.

I've been chasing this
motherfucker the whole movie.

I need to say something.

How about,
"Adios, motherfucker."

- A spiritual dimension.

- Yeah, a wisdom thing.

These are my people.

From Moses to Moishe.

That's a good line.
Use that.

- Rabbi, what could we do to
make the script more Jewish?

- This script?

You could circumcise it,

it wouldn't be Jewish.

- That's the
fucking problem!

- Say a barucha
over the bazooka,

- I like that.
- I was joking.

No, not there!

- You're the writer,
come up with something!

- Hey, shut the fuck up.

You're the writer, write!

- OK, I have,
"Lechaim, let's fry 'em."

OK, "Shalom to the dome."

- Shalom to the dome.
- Shalom to the dome.

- Thanks for joining us at 2:00.

Haven't gotten off a shot. Lunch
was supposed to be an hour ago.

- You know what it is?
- Hans can't get the scrim--

- I mean, you know what
we're having for lunch?

- Yeah, I do.

We're having a giant meal
penalty over rice

and a side of kiss my ass.

- Ha!

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Enough putzing.
Skip, enough playing.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
listen up, please,

we're going hot!

- 5-6-8 split.

-Little bit more
smoke in the background!

Action!

- Say it to me one more time.

- Ah!

- Yeah!

That's my signature shot!
I love you all!

- 78 alpha, take one!

- Fascinating.

-That's a wrap!

- Yo, mazeltov!

- Very believable!

Excellent shooting,
perfect fainting.

- Thank you.
Thank you very much.

- It was enchanting!

- Ah...

I don't want to curse it,

but we could be doing some
significant shit here.

A real mitzvah.

- Hey!

I've been looking for you.

Lionel did a really nice
job on this scene.

Do you want to see it?

- If you like it, I like it.

- All right.

Well, that was a good day.

Levy pulled off his signature
shot, God love him.

- Yeah.

- You seem more
bizarre than usual.

Oh... Nice talking to you.

- I told a joke. I don't
think it's funny anymore.

- Well, let's hear it.

- It's long and boring.

- What else is new?

- A rabbi, and actor,
and a producer,

are fishing for scrod.

Did I tell you my
daughter got married?

- Is this part of the joke?

- It might be.

Here's the punchline. Ready?

- Yeah.

- She forgot to invite
me to the wedding.

- Well, you're going to
have to work on that joke.

It's Andrei.

Hello. Hi, Andrei.

What?

God! When?

- Sorry, you can't
come in here.

- They're OK.
They're the producers.

- One of Bobby's guys was shot.
He's OK.

No one's claimed
responsibility.

- You sure
it's a kidnapping?

- Yeah, Jamal was tied up,
Bobby was taken from his car.

The guys wore military
gear, ski masks...

- Oh my God. I don't
know what to do.

- We can shoot
Nigel and the girl.

- Should I call Howard?

- Lionel will write Bobby
out of the tent scene.

- Shouldn't I call Howard?

- Who's Howard?

There's no war here.

I tried his cell.

I have an emergency and I need
to speak to Howard now.

Who are you talking to?

- The insurance company.

- Somebody has to
be running the studio.

- Fine, shut it down.
It's your dime.

I can shoot around him.

- If I don't speak
to him before then...

- A week? Here's
another idea.

Eat me!

They're calling it
an act of war.

They're not gonna pay.

We're fucked.

- Does Bobby belong to any
political organizations,

causes, that sort of thing?

- I don't think so.

- He recently
converted to Judaism.

- Yes, I read that
in People Magazine.

- Good evening, Ambassador.

This was delivered 10 minutes
ago to the embassy.

-"My name is Bobby Mason

"I've not been harmed and have
been treated humanely.

"The August 1st Brigade demands
that Colonel America

"ends its support of the puppet
regimes that destroy--

"That colonial America
ends its support

"of the illegal and immoral
puppet regimes

"that continue to destroy our
lands and rape our cultures.

- What if we
offered the kidnappers

a piece of the backend?

Adjusted gross points.

-The terrorist group,
the August 1st Brigade,

is said to be linked
to the kidnapping.

The Scorpions are apparently
investigating the matter.

Although Mr. Mason has
recently converted...

- They'll get Bobby
back, won't they?

I mean, what are they
going to do with him?

-...but what has been confirmed
is that two bodyguards

were tied up by
unidentified men

and one member of his entourage
has been wounded.

The men were apparently
wielding automatic weapons.

The American star is currently
in South Africa

shooting the film
Ben Disraeli...

Freedom Fighter.

- Think we'll get
a detention?

- If we're lucky.

Who's the grey suit?

- I don't know.

Those two are Bobby's lawyers.

Did you know Mark was coming?
- No.

- Grier Clark, head of
legal affairs, CGC.

- Charlie Berns,
Deidre Hearn.

- Let me get you up to speed.

Insurance calls it an act of
civil disorder and anarchy.

They're not paying.
We're shutting it down.

Save the set,
salvage what you can...

- I can keep shooting.

- Mason's in every scene.
I've read the script.

Don't bullshit a bullshitter.

I need to go to the set
and make the announcement.

Is that us?

- Yup.

- Yeah.

- Bobby Mason is a corporation

and I'm vice-president
of that corporation.

First I'm going to sue the
studio, then you, then you.

- Mark...

- Gross negligence,
contract violation...

- Mark, we'll get him back.
We've beefed up security.

- The horse has
already left the barn.

- He's got a point.

- Yeah.

This is what I
think we should do.

Go back to the hotel,
get everybody together,

because everybody's
going to be very upset.

- # Everybody get on down #

# Get on down now #

- Sounds like people are pretty
shook up about Bobby.

- Deidre wanted more security.

I said no.

- Bad decision.

- Going to the party?

- I'm trying to stay on
good behaviour this trip.

- She's an excellent producer.

You going to fire her?
- Yeah.

- Because of this?
- No.

- What about Howard Draper?
- He's staying.

- That's a stupid move.

- I'll send a memo.

# # #

- # Shake your stuff
We can't get enough #

# We're gonna
boogie down tonight #

- Woo!

- # Everybody #

# Get on down #

# You get on down now #

- Charlie, this is Glenn.

Charlie Berns, our producer.

- It's great to
meet you finally.

I'm so sorry.
What a disaster.

- Well, people get kidnapped.

- Glenn has been flying
for like, 26 hours.

- Very gallant.
- Well, I heard the news--

- When's the big day?
- Sorry?

- When you getting married?

- How long you
think it will take for us

to wrap out of here?

- You go home.
I'll take care of it.

How long have
you been engaged?

- We've been seeing each other
for about 7 years now.

- Oh. Making sure you really
know each other, right?

- Heh heh!

- Do you come from money?
- Um...

We were comfortable, yeah.

- Old money?

- Charlie, enough.

- You're being fired.
Taken to the cleaners.

He's a lawyer.

- He's an odd duck, hmm?

- Yeah.

- # I realize it's just
a picture in a frame #

- Cute.

Vodka straight.

I will miss you.
You're a very strange man.

- How did you meet Levy?

- At Yaboom in Amsterdam.
You know it?

A whorehouse, yes?

For now he's director
of this piece of shit.

But someday...

Ciao, baby. Must go party,
party, party.

- Hey, boss.

- George. How's it going?

- Charlie.

Hey.

They fired me?

- Yup.

- Who told you?
- Grier.

- Because of this?
- Nope.

- I have to call Howard.

- Draper's staying.

- He sold me out?

Wait a minute. Where you going?

- Where do you want me to go?

- Uh, well, Glenn and I

are getting a flight out
tomorrow morning around 9:00.

- Yeah.

- So, I don't know.
I guess we should say goodbye.

- You want a goodbye moment?

- Well, yeah.

Yeah, I mean...

# Opera #

Hi. I had an idea.

Can I come in?

This might be interesting.

Very interesting, Charlie.

I was changing money
at the airport and...

Do you mind if I turn
this shit off here?

The studio said to
salvage what we could

and we still have
the Prague incentive money.

You know what? It can't
leave the country.

It's got to be spent
there or it goes away.

That's $3.5, $3.7 US.

OK...

Are you ready?

We make Bill and Ben.

Lionel's script.

It's beautifully-written.
What do you think?

I mean, would it be so
awful to make a movie

we could actually be proud of?

- Where's Glenn?

- You and I could
pull this off, Charlie.

The studio's in chaos,

so we make it look like we're
wrapping out Freedom Fighter,

but we don't send home the sets.

We rebuild them and we
use them for Bill and Ben.

We'll keep Hans, Levy.
Not Andrei, he'll rat us out.

We can re-work one
of the Prague sets

to use it as the
House of Commons.

Ian Chadwick would
be great as Disraeli

and Fiona could play the
wife, Lady Whositz,

and Nigel could do Gladstone.

We cast the whole thing
out of London and Prague,

L.A. will never know about it.

- You think this is lamb?

- We could make a real film.

- Why do you want to do this?

Because if it's for revenge,
that's not a very good reason.

Trust me.

- I'm not mad at Howard.
He did me a favour.

The stupidest job on
the planet: development.

I like production, Charlie.
I like being on the frontline!

- All right, I'll read it.

- Read what?
- Lionel's script.

- You never read it?

- Ah...

Levy, could you come to my
room in about 20 minutes?

We're going to have
a little meeting.

Let's keep it on the QT.

- Yeah. Where is the QT?

- No, I mean
don't tell anybody.

Except for Linda.
Ask her to come too.

- OK.

- In 15 minutes.
- Sure.

- Keep this quiet. Fiona?

Could you come too?

- Certainly.

- Morning!
- Good morning!

- Going to the
meeting, are you?

- Meeting?

- Right, I thought you
were a friend of Bill's.

- Who?

- So you're not going
to the AA meeting?

- Oh, no!

- Neither am I.
Much too early.

Maybe see you in the bar later.

Morning, everyone.

- Nigel, come on.

Close the drapes.

- See if we have
any extras...

- Charlie, we made a mistake.
We shouldn't do this.

They'll arrest us.
You're completely right!

I'd arrest us. Wouldn't
you if you were them?

Let's just get to Prague
and wrap the office out

and I can bury the
costs of all this.

Did you hear me?

- Mmm-hmm.

- What do you think?

- They'll only arrest
us if it loses money.

- Hello, my friend.
How are you?

- Vladimir.

- Charlie Berns.
This is Deidre Hearn.

Levy, our director.

Our DP, Hans.

- You've been to Prague before?

- No, never.

- How are ya?

- You have the blueprints?

- We're going to make the
prison, House of Commons.

- He'll have to build
it from this sketch.

- I want to be shooting
on this set within a week.

- I can shoot Fiona and Nigel.

- It's impossible.

- Skip, call
your mom and dad.

Because you're the
new line producer.

We'll be back with Ben and Queen
Victoria in a couple days.

- See you Wednesday.

- Where are you going?
- Going to London!

- Just keep at it 24-7

till it looks
like Parliament.

- Uncle Charlie?

- OK...

- Thank you.

- Group hug.
All right, we gotta go.

He got snot
all over my shirt.

He did!

- Just be quiet.
He's having a big moment.

What do we tell Ian?
- That we have Vanessa.

- But we don't have Vanessa.
- She loved the script.

- She's putting in a bathroom.
- That's code.

She wants more money.

- How much more do
you think she wants?

- One bathroom.

Wonderful country, as
long as you're a mushroom.

- When were you
thinking of shooting?

- If I had my way, right after
you finish your carrot cake.

No, I'm just kidding.
Next Wednesday in Prague.

- Wednesday?

Oh. I wasn't aware.

- Vanessa wanted to call you,

but I wasn't comfortable
giving out your number.

She's really passionate
about this project.

- She's doing it?
- She loves the script.

- I really can't.

You see, we're
renovating our kitchen.

- I completely understand.

- Ah...

Hello?

Hey Glenn, how are you?

Um, hi.

I'm actually in London.

We're making-- Glenn, can you
hold on for one second?

Because I'm getting
another call.

OK.

Hi, it's Deidre.

Hey, Melanie.

You're kidding.

We got Ian.

- Imagine my shock.

- Ha!

Well, that's just great!

Thanks, Melanie.

I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!

We're going to jail!

How do you do it,
Charlie Berns?

- How's Glenn?

- Oh my God!

- What did you do with it?

- Shh! What if I
hit the button?

- There it is.

- Hello?

Oh, hi.
I thought I lost you.

So, things have
changed a little bit here.

We're making a movie.

No, not that movie,
a different movie.

- But he's suspicious
of you, Ben.

- I was not blind to the worldly
advantages of such an alliance.

But I have already proved my
heart not to be purchased.

- You have nothing
to prove to me.

- I found you as I thought.

Amiable, tender...

...gifted with no ordinary mind.

- CUT!

- Morning, Lionel.
Excuse me a moment.

This scene this afternoon,

this chap here,
Mossad, would it be?

CIA, perhaps

- I'm sorry. I'm not sure
what you're asking.

- This is a different
script, Nigel.

- Oh. Completely different?

- Completely different.

- Oh!

Makes sense, doesn't it?

An improvement, I think.

- It's part of his process.

- Chief, I've got a
developing situation here.

We've lost the Countess.

- How?
- She's taking a series.

- I need coffee for this.

- But these are two
lovely actresses

not from L.A.

London, New York.

- New York's too close to L.A.
Show Levy London.

You know, this can't
get back to L.A.

- Understood.

I'll have them sign a
confidentiality agreement.

She'll do a lovely job.

- How far is Germany? Could we
send out for some coffee?

- This is coffee.
- Good coffee.

Blech.

- Excuse me, Colin.

- Yeah?

- Are we doing a picture
called Bill and Ben?

- Take a break.

Not you.

Are you Berns' assistant?
- Yes, sir.

- Where is he?

- Cape Town.

- Get him on the phone.

- I don't know how to reach him.

- You're his assistant and you
don't have his number?

- No.

- How do you
communicate with him?

- I take messages.

- I want to try the
jacket on him now.

- Chief, do you know
a Catherine Oxenmoor?

- No.

- She says she's
your assistant.

- Oh, yeah!

Hi, Catherine.
How's it going?

Oriental's fine.
I love orientals.

Who?

When?

When's he coming?

- What if we
lose the Thames,

put the chapel
dialogue in the pub--

- NO, NO!

Yes, but no.
Still 5 days minimum.

- Levy, can you
yell more softly?

- Sure.

- Thank you.
We don't have 5 days.

- He's going to be here
Wednesday, in two days.

- We could shoot
around the clock.

- Friends, I need more days.

-Skip, set ready.

- Everybody, keep thinking cuts.

We need to cut this sucker.

Where are you going? Sit.

- Cut.

- Levy, we've got a bit
of a situation.

- We are a week away
from having a film.

Why would they shut us down?

- They may be the
wee-est bit pissed.

- Isn't it great
they let Bobby out?

- It's wonderful, isn't

Think the terrorists
had to wear yarmulkes?

- Let's just come clean.

- Grier Clark's an asshole.

He'd love nothing better
than to shut us down.

- Grier Clark?

- You know him?

- Christ, I do.
He's a total horndog.

- Oh my gosh,
you know Grier.

- Let's have a chat.

- Good grief.

- What?

- Hi, I'm Grier Clark.
You know where this is?

- Studio.

And I am Tanya.

Or perhaps I take
you to hotel first?

It's on the way.

- Background action!

- Action!

- Oh, my dear, dear...

Dear...

I'm sorry, what is it?

- Daughter.

- Daughter, of course.

Oh, my dear, dear, child.

The pleasures of life rarely...

They rarely...

They rarely...

- Transcend.

- Yes, I know.

The pleasures of life rarely...
Oh, I am all flummoxed.

- Cut!

- No, don't cut it!

Oh, fuck it!

- Oh, you're bad.

- You have no idea.

- Oh!

-Background action!
- Action!

- Father, I know you think him
an inferior young man,

but my heart is--

- Oh, what folly.

You act as if no man had ever
gazed on you with admiration.

I was young once.

Look at me.

A glow has returned to
your cheek. I see that.

I'm an old fool.

- Cut.
Mazeltov.

- Thank God the speech
isn't any longer.

I'd address your foot.

- Yeah, brilliant.

- No...

- Stay.

- Enough, enough.
I got to get to the set.

- Housekeeping!

Oh, you need vacuum? Me?

- OK, OK.

Enough putzing,
enough playing.

- Skip, why aren't we shooting?
- We're minutes away.

- You help with the table?

Ooh! Pardon!

You got spot.

You got something...

Ooh!

- Do we have
another camera body?

- No, but we could
get one in two hours.

- Two hours?
Do we have 2 hours?

I don't think so,
my friend.

- Shit!

- No, you sign!

- I hear they found
the black chap.

- Who?

- What's his name...

Fellow who played
Ben Disraeli.

- I'm playing Ben Disraeli.

- No, no. Chap with
the Uzi and so forth.

- What?

No, no! Linda, you can't!

They've left the hotel.

- Linda, go get them!

- It's too late. I did
everything I could.

Believe me.

- Well...

You lose some, you lose some.

Call it, Skip.

- Wait a minute, Charlie.

We're one shot away from
finishing this movie.

- Grier's shutting
us down in 15 minutes,

and we don't have a camera.

- We'll figure something out.
Something.

- Hang ten, guys.

Hey guys, camera's here.
What do you want to do?

- Set it up.

You heard the lady.
Set it up.

- Listen...

- Come on, come on!

- You're joking, right?
- No.

- Deidre, it's only a movie.

That's really sick.

- What? It's a page
out of your book.

- Out of my... What?

Out of my book.

That's just great.

Now my book is the sick book?

- Why don't you want
to finish this movie?

- I do! Why wouldn't I?

- Because...
- Because why?

- You know why.
- No, I don't know why.

- Because you know
as well as I do

that as soon as we wrap
this movie, you and I--

- While we're on the subject,

why are you even
making Bill and Ben?

- It's a beautiful
little script.

- Oh, bullshit!
Bullshit!

- Bullshit?

- Uh-oh.

- When did the brilliance
of this script hit you?

When you were
watching your fianc�e

input into his Blackberry?

- What?
- Have some guts!

Will you tell the poor
schmuck it's a pass?

- Guys, smoke 'em
if you got 'em.

- Even I'm starting
to feel sorry for him!

- I'm going to take marriage
advice from you now?

You on your 3rd, 4th, 5th?

- It takes guts to pull the plug
when it's not working.

And that's why
you're hiding out...

- A lecture on courage from you?
From Suicide Charlie?

- More goulash? Come.

- Lionel told me. I'm sorry.

- Give me the phone.

I don't know how to
call her. What do I do?

- Speed dial 2, press Send.

-Da?

- It's Charlie.
Wreck the car.

Hit a tree, put him
in the hospital.

- OK.

I need map for location.

In back. You get please.

- Sure.

[Speaking Czech

- OK chaps, we're ready.

Ready, ready.

Allrighty, then.

- For the love of God,
let's shoot it.

- I'm rallying the troops for
you, boss. We're so there!

OK, everyone!

- Yes, what is it?

- Remember, pick up the
book in your left hand.

- Yes, yes, yes.

I understand, the book
in front of the lens.

You told me 1000 times.

- You fucked it up 999 times.

- And we wouldn't want to sully
your beautifully-designed shot

by putting an actor's face
in front of it, would we?

- How's the goulash sitting?

- It's good. It's fine.

- Wait. One minute.

4-5-6 split.

- This is it. All the best.

- Oh, thanks.

Everybody,
first positions!

- Scene number 157, take one.

- Action!

- Mr. Speaker!

Gentlemen,

the honourable gentleman's
natural excitement

is, as we know,
a most prominent affliction,

as is his audacious manner.

May we humble servants
of the Crown inquire

as to the genesis
of this excitement?

- After a day of the most
unceasing labour,

I have purchased for England,

all of Egypt's shares
in the Suez Canal!

- Order! Order in the House!

- Mr. Speaker, gentlemen,

I say grave questions of honour

hang darkly before us.

- The canal now
belongs to England!

All the grubby gamblers,
capitalists

and financiers
of the world

have been plotting to grab it.

And we have outfoxed them!

- Why was Parliament
not informed?

Why was this done
in deceitful fashion?

- Because haste was
of the essence.

I have never been
through such a day as that!

I'm in a coma from ecstasy!

And now, dear England, finally,

France can once and
forever more, shut up!

- Cut!

Cut. That's a cut,
thank you.

Excellent work, everyone.

- Hans?
-Gut!

- Sir, can I check the gate?
- Check the gate.

- Good gate.
- Good gate.

- Gate's good.

- I love you all.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm relieved to inform you
that Bill and Ben

is a wrap!

# Wish you more success #

# More than I could ever have #

# I wish you
the most happiness #

# Good friends
are hard to find #

# Don't make
the mistakes I've made #

# And if you do
don't be afraid #

- Where's the champagne?
Where's the beers?

# Social loners
and deadbeat hacks #

# I open my arms for you #

- Hi, Grier!

You've got a knack for
finding wrap parties.

- You think you
can fuck with us?

This film will never--

- Sit down.
- I don't want to sit!

- Are you OK?

- Let me help you out on this.
I'm pretty good at it.

You go back to L.A.

You say,
"Those stupid producers!

"When I said salvage
what you can,

"They thought I meant
keep shooting!

"When I got to Prague,
they wrapped."

- You're pretty cute.

- "And then I thought..."

This is you talking.

"Then I thought,

"They got Nigel Bland,
Ian Chadwick for a song

"Why not look at
some footage? A rough cut.

"It'll cost us nothing."

- We had that tax money

just sitting in Prague.

- Good night, darlings.

Congratulations.

- It may not be
a total piece of crap.

Worst case,
straight to video.

- Hi, Linda!

- Linda!

We got the shot!
- Fab!

- She's a great
costumer, by the way.

You should use her again.

- How's your wife?
It's Pam, isn't it?

We used to do yoga together.

- I'm going to be
the first to admit

this story's got holes in it.

Like, "Where have you
been for 3 days?"

But you can work on that part on
the airplane on the way home.

Does your mom still
live in Chicago?

- Yeah.

- Your folks
still together?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

Where you going?

- I'm going to get
my own room, Charlie.

- You don't take yoga, do you?

- I have.

- Yeah, but not with...

- No.

- Good for you.

- I've been well-taught.

- Good for me.

I'll see you at the premiere.

You will, mate,
if you send me a ticket.

- Thank you.

Bye, Deidre.

- Honey, don't cry.

- Goodbye. Send a rough
cut in a month, yeah?

- You really took
one for the team.

- I took many, for him.

- Ciao.

- Ciao.

- See you in LA!
- See you in Israel!

- Bye, Lionel, Levy!

# Good friends
are hard to find #

- I read a script, and I
really think you'd like it.

It's about a Russian
mathematician.

It's right up your alley.

Nothing happens,
and it's really important.

A bunch of guys
theorizing about numbers.

Huh?

I think we should
work together.

We're a good team.

Berns and Hearn.
Sounds like a vaudeville act.

You're really smart,
and I'm nuts.

That's a good balance.

- What do you want, Charlie?

- I'll take a vodka tonic
if you're getting up.

I want to work together,
like partners.

- What I need to know is that
when the going gets tough--

- Can I have my seat back?

- No.
- Yes.

- Could you give us
just a few seconds?

- No, we don't need it.

- Would you switch
with me? I'm in 5a.

- He doesn't want
to switch seats.

- He's a grown man. I think
he can decide for himself.

- Will you go take
your assigned seat?

- We have to work
together a lot.

- No! Go away and
sit in your seat!

- What if I can--

OK, OK...

- I didn't mean to eavesdrop,

but I couldn't help overhear
you and your friend.

My son-in-law has
written a script

and I think you might
find it fascinating.

It's set during the
1996 Cricket World Cup, and...

- Come on, folks.
You gotta move these cars.

- Well, thank you, Charlie.

- We had some fun, huh?

Bobby's kidnapping...

You sure this is
what you want to do?

- You had your fun,
you told your jokes,

show's over, time to go home.

- I don't want to go home.

- Why?

- There's a jacaranda
growing out of my pool.

- I can't be your
home, Charlie.

- Glenn?
- No.

- Then why?

- Charlie, when we
first started this,

I thought you were a joke.

And then I thought that
you were, well, insane.

And then I thought that you were
probably the bravest person

that I ever met.

- Thank you. I think
you're brave too.

- I'm not finished.

Then I realized that you're not
brave, you're detached.

- I know--
- I'm not finished.

It takes guts, you know?

It takes guts to want something

and to love something--

- Excuse me. Want me to put
those bags in the trunk?

- Yeah. Thank you.

And to go after it.
It takes guts.

I'm finished.

Hey, Charlie.

I love what was in the center.

- Wait! Wait!

- Oh my God!

Are you all right?

- Ow!

- Oh my God! Why
did you do that?

- I was trying to be brave.

- Leaping in front
of a car is not brave!

- Don't yell at me, I'm hurt!

- Are you OK, sir?
- I'm fine, really.

- Are you hurt or are you fine?

- I'm a little hurt.

- What were you thinking?

I didn't want you to leave.

- Well, what about "stop"?

- I thought we needed
a more dramatic gesture.

- Oh, Charlie...

Oh my God...

- Can I ask you something?

Filmmaker to filmmaker.

- What?

- How did I do?

- Well, it's a start.

You can always fix it in post.

- I did hurt myself a little.

- Where? Where?

This?
- Yeah.

- This is a
mosquito bite, Charlie.

You had this when
we left Africa.

- I'm bruised.

- Where are you bruised?

- Couple of places
I'd really like to show you.

- Where did you get
hit the hardest?

- You really want to know?

So, that's my joke.

Now, here's the punchline.

Bill and Ben was nominated
for 7 Golden Globes.

Ian Chadwick was
shamefully overlooked.

- This was a passion
project for the studio.

I've always been personally
fascinated

with Benjamin Disraeli ever
since college.

- Is that your daughter?

- Good heavens, no. I was hoping
to sleep with her tonight.

-Nigel Bland nabbed Best
Supporting Actor.

Linda got nominated
for costumes.

- You want to know about
the movie, watch it.

It's all on the screen.

- It's got everything.
Bodice-ripping, rowing,

sex appeal...

-And my nephew Lionel
was nominated

for his very first script.

- Fiona!

- I'm just so excited to
be here and I love LA.

I love it!

-You know what?

I'm actually proud
of this movie.

The producing team
of Berns and Hearn

just signed Philip
Seymour Hoffman

to play Pfnooty Luvovich...

Would you take our picture?

...the famous Russian
mathematician.

- Who are they?

-We're shopping it around.

- It's not working!

- It's not working?

- The Suez Canal
purchase was fearless

and he had this
great sense of humour

and he delighted in
breaking the rules--

- Interesting.
Fiona, who are you wearing?

- I'm wearing
Maya Solomon tonight.

OK, I got it.

Deidre and I had a tough
decision to make.

- Nothing?

-Either clean my
place up, or move.

We moved.

It's got a nice pool.

No tree, but...

And Bobby Mason...

Actually, it's
Mohammed Muhkarrah now.

Anyway, Mohammed and his wife

are coming over to
dinner next week.

Deidre's going to
make baba ganouj.

And by the way,
no one asked me,

but that tux I'm wearing,

it's an Edgar Pomeroy.