Original subtitles

- [whispering] I gotta go. I gotta go. - What?

I've got to catch a plane.

Two solid hours of staring at the material

to decide to reconvene after the holidays for a fresh look at the layout?

They're selling cosmetics, not curing cancer.

Why aren't you going to the airport?

What's the point of busting my ass to catch the 6:00 flight?

Why don't you wait and go out with me on the 8:00?

You're never going to get a cab at this hour.

I told Susan I'd be home by 9:00.

- That's you. - [elevator bell dings]

Good. Damn it, I left my gloves in Brian's office.

Well, I don't need them. I get in the elevator, I get in the taxi,

I get on the plane, then I'm home. Would you pick them up for me?

- I'II drive over tomorrow and get them. - Great.

Have a good holiday.

- I'll see you in Chicago, John. - You'll never make the 6:00.

[cars honking]

[whistling]

[whistling]

[man] Taxi!

[chuckling]

Taxi!

[brakes screeching]

[car honking]

Cab! Cab!

Sir! Sir! Sir, excuse me.

I know this is your cab, but I'm desperately late for a plane,

and l was wondering if I could appeal to your good nature

to ask you to let me have it?

- I don't have a good nature. Excuse me. - Come on!

Could I offer you ten dollars for it?

- Twenty. I'll give you $20 for it. - I'll take $50.

- All right. All right. - Anyone who'd pay $50 for a cab

would certainly pay $75.

Not necessarily.

All right, $75.

- You're a thief. - Close. I'm an attorney.

- Have a happy holiday. - This will help.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, that's my cab! That's my cab! Wait!

Pull over! Pull over! All right, pull over! That's my cab!

All right, buddy.

You're messing with the wrong guy!

All right, you son of a bitch, this is my cab! Out!

[tires screeching]

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[woman on PA] Your attention, please. Your attention, please.

Mid-Central flight 909 to Chicago, O’Hare has been delayed.

All passengers awaiting further information

should contact the ticket agent.

[Marti] When are Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma and Grandpa gonna come?

They're gonna be here tomorrow, honey.

- Mom. - Yeah?

Do you think Grandpa Walt is gonna give me a noogie?

Of course, he's going to give you a noogie. He loves to give you noogies.

That's how he tells you that he loves you.

- Why doesn't he give me noogies? - Because you get Indian burns.

But I prefer noogies.

[phone ringing]

Keep an eye on your brother.

- Hello? - [Marti] Who is it?

- Where are you? - Who is it?

- [shushing] It's Daddy. - Flight delay.

- Well, when do you think you'll be in? - It shouldn't be any later than 10:00.

I'll wait up for you.

I know you, don't I? I'm usually very good with names,

but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours.

You stole my cab.

I've never stolen anything in my life.

I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon,

and before I could get in it, you stole it.

You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you. Yeah!

You scared the bejesus out of me.

[laughing]

Come to think of it, it was awfully easy to get a cab during rush hour.

- Forget it. - Well, I can't forget it.

I am sorry. I had no idea that was your cab.

Let me make it up to you somehow, please?

How about a nice hot dog and a beer?

- No, thanks. - Just a hot dog then?

I'm kind of picky about what I eat.

- Some coffee? - No.

- Milk? Soda? - No. No.

- Some tea? - No.

- Life Savers? - No.

- A slurpy? - Sir, please.

Just let me know. I'm here.

I knew I knew you.

This is something you should have discussed with the ticket agent.

I couldn't discuss it with the ticket agent

because I didn't know you put me in coach.

I'm sorry. I can't help you. First class is full.

- I have a first-class ticket. - You have a coach seat assignment.

- [woman] Hi, Larry. - Hi, Liz.

Here OK? Or how about over there?

[woman] Here or there. Anywhere's fine.

Pardon me.

Save your boarding pass, and you'll get a refund on the difference.

I don't want a refund. I want a seat in first class

where I was booked and ticketed over a month ago.

Look, I have had just about enough of you.

- Now, take your seat. - You've had about enough of me?

First you delay me, then you bump me. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Is this a coincidence or what? Have a seat.

I never did introduce myself. Del Griffith.

American Light and Fixture, Director of Sales, Shower Curtain Ring Division.

I sell shower curtain rings, the best in the world.

- And you are? - Neal Page.

Neal Page. Pleased to meet you, Neal Page.

So, what do you do for a living, NealPage?

- Marketing. - Marketing? Super, super.

Fabulous. Isn't that nice?

Look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist,

and I'd really like to finish this article.

- A friend of mine wrote it, so... - Don't let me stand in your way.

Please, don't let me stand in your way.

The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth.

[chuckling]

You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowder-head

who doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut.

You catch me running off at the mouth, just give me a poke in the chops.

[grunting]

[exclaims]

That feels good. Oh, God, I'm telling you.

My dogs are barking today.

[moans]

That feels better.

[man snoring]

[coughing]

[snoring]

[snoring]

Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago.

[phone ringing]

- Hello? - [Neal] Hi.

- Where are you? - I’m in Wichita.

[Susan] Wichita, Kansas? Are you all right? What happened?

We couldn't land in Chicago.

I don't understand what Wichita has to do with a snowstorm in Chicago.

- What's going on, Neal? - What's going on is I'm in Wichita.

We took off from New York, they closed Chicago, and we landed here.

[Del] Neal!

A little trouble on the home front?

I really don't think that's any of your concern.

You know, the finest line a man will walk

is between success at work and success at home.

I've got a motto, "Like your work. Love your wife."

Well, I'll remember that. What's the flight situation?

Simple. There's no way on earth we're going to get out of here tonight.

We'd have more luck playing pick-up-sticks with our butt cheeks

than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Yeah, but by the time the airline cancels this flight,

which they will, sooner or later,

you'd have more of a chance to find a three-legged ballerina

than you would a hotel room.

You're saying I could be stuck in Wichita?

I'm saying you are stuck in Wichita.

[man on PA] Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

I'm sorry to announce that we're canceling flight 909

due to severe weather in Chicago.

Hi, I was wondering if you had any rooms available for tonight?

Anything. Anything will do.

- [woman] No, I’m sorry. - All right.

Look, do you know of any other...

[dial tone droning]

- Neal.

Well? Welcome to Wichita.

[chuckling]

- Did you book a room yet? - I couldn't get in anywhere.

As soon as we got off the plane, you called home, I called the Braidwood Inn.

- I missed that one. - I've got an idea.

I know the manager pretty well. I sold him some rings for his curtains.

If you want to pick up the cab fare,

I'll make sure you get a room for the night.

- Yeah. Yeah, sure. Great. - All right.

Grab an end of this thing, will you? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

- Is this your trunk? - Yeah.

You should try lugging this thing around New York City.

♪ Well, he takes you up

♪ And he beats you down, yeah

♪ He plays around

♪ And he spends your money ♪

Where the hell is the motel?

- Doobie, is it much farther? - [Doobie] Not much.

Why didn't you take the Interstate?

You said your friend had never been around here,

so I just figured he'd like to... look around.

You don't see nothing on the Interstate but Interstate.

- It's the middle of the night. - I know. I know.

But he's proud of his town. You know, that's a damn rare thing these days.

[Del] Take care of the luggage, will you, Doobie?

[Doobie] OK, Del.

Stick with me.

[ringing bell]

[Del] Evening, Gus.

Del Griffith! How the hell are you?

Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of being a millionaire.

[both laughing]

Gus, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page.

- Neal, Gus Mooney. - Glad to meet you, Nick.

- Nice to meet you. - Gus, I told my friend here

you'd be able to fix him up with a room for tonight.

[Gus] Do you have a major credit card?

Do you still honor those discount credit cards for the rooms?

Yeah, well, I'll have to charge you for a double,

but with the discount it'll come out even.

[Del] Well, there you go. That's pretty good. We're saving money already.

We're a pretty good team.

We were on our way to Chicago from New York,

- and the storm brought us here. - [Gus] I know all about it.

I must have half your flight booked in already.

Well, I guess you're all fixed. 80, here you are.

Last room in the complex.

You mean share?

Yeah. Great. All right. Easy on that. OK.

It was a hell of a cab ride, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was a great cab ride. You don't see cabs like that too often, you know?

- Do you want to take a shower? - No!

No, I meant if you want to go first, you know?

- You thought I... I wouldn't... - No, go ahead.

What do you think I am? God, no.

Gee, that's funny. That's funny.

Come... Come on!

[exclaiming]

[man chattering on TV]

You don’t have to be a rock’n’roller to wear a pompadour.

You hear the expression, “You’re the boss”?

[cans clattering]

Excuse me.

I'd switch pillows with you, but I'm allergic to sponge.

I got a bad allergy to it. I'd be sneezing all night with that thing.

That's why I carry my own pillow. It's hypoallergenic.

I had no idea those beer cans were going to blow like that.

You left them on a vibrating bed. What did you think was going to happen?

Well, it's been a long day. It just... it just didn't occur to me.

It didn't occur to you, so I have to sleep in a puddle of beer.

- Do you want to switch? - No, I just want to sleep.

Me, too. I am bushed.

- Good night. - Good night.

[woman on TV] Then she’s sleeping in our house! I’ll have to burn the sheets!

[man on TV] What if it was one of your friends, huh?

What if the shoe was on the other foot?

[woman] I’d go barefoot!

[cracking joints]

[moaning]

[grunting]

[sighing]

[scratching noises]

[man on TV] Traffic is resuming at O’Hare Field,

and flights will be moving out of there very shortly.

[snorting loudly]

Sorry.

[snorting]

- God damn it! That's it! - What? What?

If I don't clear my sinuses, I'll snore all night.

Gee, if your kid spills his milk, what do you do? Slap him in the head?

What? What? What? What is that supposed to mean?

You're not a very tolerant person.

Look, you've been under my skin since New York,

starting with ripping off my cab!

God, you're a tight-ass.

How would you like a mouthful of teeth?

And hostile, too. Nice personality combination, hostile and intolerant.

- That's borderline criminal. - Screw you!

You spilled beer all over the bed. You smoke. You mess up the bathroom.

Well, who let you stay in the room?

I even let you pay for it, so you wouldn't feel like an intruder,

- which you most certainly are! - I'm an intruder?

Yes, you're an intruder! I was having a perfectly nice trip

- until you walked into my life! - I walked into your life?

Who was that who talked my ear off on the plane? Who was that? I'm curious.

Well, who told you to book a room?

I did, out of the goodness of my dumb old heart.

Boy, you're an ungrateful jackass.

Well, go ahead, sleep in the lobby. See if I care.

I hope you wake up so stiff you can't even move!

You're no saint.

You got a free cab, you got a free room

and someone who'll listen to your boring stories.

I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking,

eventually, I started reading the vomit bag?

Didn't it give you some sort of a clue like,

"Hey, maybe this guy is not enjoying it"?

You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate.

You choose things that are... that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting.

You're a miracle. Your stories have none of that!

They're not even amusing accidentally.

"Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith.

He's got some amusing anecdotes for you.

And here's a gun so you can blow your brains out.

You'll thank me for it."

I could tolerate any, any insurance seminar.

For days, I could sit there and listen to them go on and on

with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it?"

And I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith.

I can take anything."

You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean.

The shower curtain ring guy."

It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll.

I expect you to have a little string on your chest, you know,

that I pull out and have to snap back.

Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back. You would.

[exclaiming]

And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories,

here's a good idea, have a point.

It makes it so much more interesting for the listener.

You want to hurt me?

Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target.

Yeah, you're right. I talk too much.

I also listen too much.

I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you...

...but I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing.

I like... I like me. My wife likes me.

My customers like me 'cause I'm the real article.

What you see is what you get.

[sighing]

[Del mumbling]

♪ I’m back in baby’s arms

♪ How I’ve missed those loving arms

♪ I’m back where I belong

♪ Back in baby’s arms ♪

[kissing]

[sighing]

- Del? - Yeah?

Why did you kiss my ear?

Why are you holding my hand?

- Where's your other hand? - Between two pillows.

Those aren't pillows!

[both screaming]

No! No!

[both exclaiming in disgust]

- You see that Bears game last week? - Yeah.

Hell of a game. Hell of a game.

Bears have got a great team this year. They're gonna go all the way.

Yeah.

Yeah!

[Del] Hey, Neal, take my socks out of the sink

if you're going to brush your teeth, all right?

[Susan] Where are you?

[Neal] I’m in Wichita.

- You‘re still at the airport? - No, I’m at a motel.

I spent the night with this guy I met on the plane.

You shared a motel room with a stranger? Are you crazy?

Not yet, but I’m getting there.

- Did you call the airline? - Everything's booked solid,

but they said I have a good chance of getting on stand-by.

And if they told you wolverines

would make good house pets, would you believe them?

[Neal] I'm not spending Thanksgiving in Wichita.

I've got a family waiting for me. I'll get home.

Not by airplane. They've got 18 hours of air traffic backed up.

Any way you slice it, the odds are

we're gonna be having our turkey roll right here...

...if we wait for the flight.

[Neal] How the hell else can we get home?

[Del] Thanks.

Burt Dingman, a buddy of mine. He works for the railroad.

- A train? - Yeah.

I sold them all their shower curtain rings. He owes me a favor.

I'll get that. I've paid for everything else. Why break precedent?

You're making me feel like a freeloader.

- Get me on the train, we're square. - You got it.

That's the easy part.

- What? - You know goddamn well what.

- I'm sorry, I don't. - I had over $700 in here.

I didn't touch your dough, Neal. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a thief.

You went into my stuff last night, right?

I didn't take your money. And I don't care for the accusation.

Well, I had over $700 in here and you went into my wallet for pizza.

Just maybe when you went into it you had to...

Count it!

Like you'd keep it in there if you stole it.

There's $263 in there.

If there's a dollar more, then you can call me a thief. Just count it!

- This doesn't prove... - Count it. $263, right?

- Empty. Right. - What?

- We were robbed! - Do you think so?

You know, I've been thinking.

What we're dealing with here is a small-time crook.

He didn't take the credit cards, right? So, we charge our way home.

- What kind of plastic do you carry? - I've got a Visa and a gasoline card.

And I've got a Neiman Marcus card in case we want to buy a gift for someone.

- What have you got? - Chalmer’s Big and Tall Men's Shop.

It's a seven-outlet chain in the Pacific Northwest. Great stuff.

Unfortunately, it does us no good here.

[Neal] Never mind.

Just get me to the train station, and I'll take care of everything else.

I've got that all covered. Gus’ son is going to pick us up.

- This is not him, is it? - [Del] Gee, I hope not.

- Are you Gus' son? - I'm Owen.

[snorting]

- Are you the shower curtain fella? - Yeah. Yeah. Del Griffith.

How are you? This is Neal Page from Chicago.

- Hi. - Pleased to meet you both.

[snorting]

[Owen] I'm to drive you to Wichita to catch the train?

- Yeah, we'd appreciate it. - Train don't run out of Wichita.

'Lessen you're a hog or a cattle.

[snorting]

People train runs out of Stubbville.

- That'll be fine. That'll be just fine. - That'll be great.

[Owen] Leave it be!

Get your lazy behind out here and put that trunk up in the back!

- No, no. We've got it. - It's very heavy.

She don't mind. She's short and skinny, but she's strong.

Her first baby, it come out sideways.

- She didn't scream or nothing. - Isn't that something?

You're a real trouper.

We've got it. We've got it already. It's done.

You know, Stubbville's a little further than Wichita.

- How much further? - Thirty miles, maybe 40.

No more than 45, though, depending on which way he goes.

If he goes the back roads, it could be anywhere up to 70 miles.

[barking]

Give me the glove. Give me the glove.

He just nipped this little part.

Give him the goddamn glove!

- [Neal] Are we there yet? - [Del] No, a little way to go yet.

Beautiful country though, isn't it?

- What do you think the temperature is? - One.

Bye.

Yeah, thanks.

- They didn't have two together. - [Del] You've gotta be kidding me.

I knew it. You know, I... The secretary was new and I explained it.

- I'm sorry. - Yeah, I think they're just full.

Well, it's the holidays, I guess. Hey, we're lucky we got a ticket.

Yeah. So, if I don't see you again...

Well, I'll see you on the train.

You want to get together for a drink in the bar car?

I'm going to get some sleep.

- You sure? - Yeah. Anyway, it's been interesting.

That's the understatement of the year. Thanks for the ticket.

Neal! I need your address.

I've got to send you the money to pay you back for this ticket.

- The ticket's a gift. - No, no, no. Come on, now,

- what's the address? - Del, it's a gift.

- Happy holidays. - Same to you.

[whistle blowing]

- Hi. - Hi.

- Going home for Thanksgiving? - Yeah.

Me, too. Just gonna make it.

[engine rattling]

[brakes screeching]

[loud clanging]

What did you do here?

He said there was smoke? Did he say he smelled smoke?

You walk a mile, mile and a half to the highway up here,

the trucks will meet you, and they'll take you into Jefferson City.

- You're in a pretty lousy mood, huh? - To say the least.

[woman on PA] Passengers holding tickets for…

You ever travel by bus before?

…Mumford, St. Louis, please prepare to board in five minutes.

Your mood's probably not going to improve much.

[chuckling]

Neal. Neal, check that out.

Beats a movie on the plane, huh?

Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

No, thank you.

[laughing]

You got busted.

That was good.

I guess this is probably as good a time as any to tell you this.

Our tickets are only good to St. Louis.

St. Louis to Chi-Town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.

Look, it's Thanksgiving.

[passengers] ♪ …for it’s Thanksgiving Day ♪

[Del] All right!

That was fun, hey, Neal?

All right, who knows a tune here? Who wants to sing a tune?

Who's got a song?

- I got one... - You got one. Neal Page has got one.

♪ Three coins in a fountain

♪ Each one seeking… You know this?

♪ …seeking happiness

♪ Three…

♪ Thrown by three hopeful lovers ♪ No?

- I can't believe they don‘t... - ♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones

♪ They’re the modern Stone Age family

♪ From the town of Bedrock

♪ They’re a page right out of history

♪ When you’re with the Flintstones

♪ Have a yabba dabba doo time

♪ A dabba doo time

♪ You’ll have a gay old time ♪

[Del] Wilma!

How do you do, ma’am. My name is Del Griffith.

I'm with the American Light and Fixture Company, Jewelry Division,

and I've got the deal of a lifetime for you. Do you have a minute?

This is your Diane Sawyer autographed earring.

Do you ever watch 60 Minutes?

Thanks.

This is Czechoslovakian ivory.

That's it. It's five dollars. Great.

This is your Walter Cronkite moon ring.

Thank you.

They are filled with helium, so they're very light.

Thank you.

This is an autographed Darryl Strawberry earring.

All right.

[Del] These are very special earrings, by the way.

These were originally handcrafted for the grand wizard of China

back in the fourth century.

Now these, of course, aren't the originals, but they are replicas,

very good replicas, too.

They're selling for five dollars a pair, two for seven dollars.

♪ Spring over the ground like a hunting hound

♪ For this is Thanksgiving day ♪

[phone ringing]

I'm Marti Page, and I'm thankful

that my dad's coming home for Thanksgiving.

[Del] You know something? It makes you look a little older, too.

I mean, not just a little bit. You could pass for 18 or 19.

Did you call the wife?

No one was home.

Probably at my daughter's Thanksgiving pageant.

You missed it.

I'm sorry. Those... Those are the precious moments, too.

They don't come back again.

I've been spending too much time away from home.

I haven't been home in years.

- What? Seriously? - No, it's a figure of speech.

You know, I'm on the road so much, it's like not being there, you know.

By the way, I called a good friend of mine at Eastern Airlines.

- Doesn't look good. - I know, I called all the airlines.

Well, at least we're still sitting on over 100 beans from my brilliant idea.

You're a terrific salesman.

You know, I've been thinking that

when we put our heads together, you know, we really...

We've really gotten nowhere,

and, you know, I think I'm holding you up.

No, don't say that about yourself. That's not true, Neal.

- It really isn't true. - No, I really think

we'll get to where we're going a lot faster if we were alone, OK?

OK. I see.

I think I'm just gonna take care of this, and I think I'm gonna get going.

- I appreciate that. - Yeah, that's fine.

You know, it's just harder for two people to travel, you know.

Yeah. Yeah, sure it is.

- And if you've got reservations... - Yeah, yeah. I know what you're saying.

- Thanks for the meal. - Yeah, OK, that's all right.

And I think I owe you some of this, too.

- No, no, no. - Take this.

- Del, I told you, I do not... - This is your cut.

- ...feel right taking your money. - This is your half. Take the money.

- Buy your kids a chocolate turkey. - You get your kids a chocolate turkey.

I don't want the money, OK?

- I've got enough for my kids. - I'm just gonna leave it there.

Then leave it. If you want to leave it, fine. That's OK. I... I'm done, OK?

I've got to get going now, so if you'll excuse me...

I've got things to do, so...

Good luck to you, and I hope you get home soon.

- [Neal] I'll see you. - Yeah, sure you will.

[bus driver] It's a white Lincoln Town Car, space V-5.

V-5. V-5.

V-5.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey, the car's not there!

I need a ride back!

God damn it! God damn it! God damn it!

[Neal] You’re messing with the wrong guy!

[Neal] You’re messing with the wrong guy!

[laughing]

Gee, Murray, you're a stitch.

No, Mom's gonna do the turkey. Yeah, Dad wants ambrosia,

so I guess we got to get those miniature marshmallows.

And I'll do the crescent rolls, and you do the cranberries.

You know I can't cook.

[laughing]

[clearing throat]

Yeah. Well, I'll see you tomorrow then. Gobble, gobble.

[ululates]

[laughing]

Bye-bye.

Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?

Yes.

How may I help you?

You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile

off your rosy fucking cheeks!

And you can give me a fucking automobile.

A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick.

Four fucking wheels and a seat!

I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

And I really don't care for the way your company

left me in the middle of fucking nowhere,

with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there.

And I really didn't care to fucking walk

down a fucking highway, and across a fucking runway

to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face.

I want a fucking car

right fucking now.

May I see your rental agreement?

I threw it away.

- Oh, boy. - Oh, boy, what?

You're fucked.

[Neal] You’re messing with the wrong guy!

Hey, 86, wake up! You're gonna block the line!

- Yeah, where're you going? - Chicago.

- Chicago? - Chicago.

- You know you're in Saint Louis? - Yes, I do.

Why don't you try the airlines? It's a lot faster and you get a free meal.

If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.

Now are you going to help me, or are you going to stand there

like a slab of meat with mittens?

[tires screeching]

[brakes squealing]

What are you doing? I almost crushed your head like a melon.

- Del? - Get your car out of here!

- Yeah, just... Just a minute, OK? - Get it out of here!

What is your problem? You insensitive asshole.

Can't you see we've got an injured man down on the street?

Now I'll move my car, but I want you to help him up.

- No! - My pleasure.

[groaning]

[Del] You know, I had a feeling that when we parted ways,

somehow, someday, our paths would cross again.

Are you all right?

I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before.

Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did,

otherwise you'd be lifting up your snutz to tie your shoes.

[laughing]

I'm sorry. That's terrible.

Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you?

[in high-pitched voice] Do you have any idea how glad I'd be if you had?

Come on, pal. You don't mean that.

You remember what I said about going with the flow?

[Neal] How am I supposed to go with the flow

when the rental car agency leaves me in a 100-acre parking lot

with keys to a car that isn't there? And then I have to hike three miles back

to find out that they don't have any more cars.

I got a car, no sweat at all.

- Well, Del, you're a charmed man. - Nope.

[Neal] I know, you just go with the flow.

[Del] Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.

[Del laughing]

♪ Pulled out of Pittsburgh

♪ Rollin’ down the Eastern Seaboard

♪ I’ve got my diesel wound up

♪ And she’s running like never before

[mechanical whirring]

♪ There’s a speed zone ahead, all right

♪ I ain’t seen a cop all night

♪ Six days on the road and I’m gonna make it home tonight

♪ I got ten forward gears and a Georgia overdrive

♪ I’m taking little white pills

♪ And my eyes are open wide ♪

Will you please stop doing that with the seat?

Once you start screwing around with these damn things,

- you can never get comfortable. - Then quit screwing around with it.

I got to get comfortable. Do you have a bad back?

Well, I do, and it hurts like a bugger.

There's only a couple good positions for it.

You're going to break it.

- Done. - Good.

Lovely. Lovely, lovely.

- Damn it. - [Neal] What now?

[Del] I got the seat just where I want it,

but I can't reach my feet to get my shoes off.

[Neal] That's just fine. Leave your shoes on.

I can't relax if I got my shoes on.

I don't care to breathe your foot odor. Leave the shoes on.

Gee, it must be swell to be so perfect and odor-free.

You know, there's plenty of things about you that bother me,

but I'm decent enough not to bring them up.

- Really? - That's right.

What do I do that bothers you? I'm curious.

- There's lots of things. - Why don't you name one?

- There's quite a few things. Name one? - Yeah.

Fine.

You play with your balls a lot.

I do not play with my balls.

[chuckles]

Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night

- as you do in an hour. - Are you trying to start a fight?

No, I'm simply stating a fact, that's all. You fidget with your nuts 3 lot.

- You know what would make me happy? - Another couple balls

and an extra set of fingers?

[laughing]

That's humor. That's... That's real humor.

What would make me happy is if you gave your mouth a rest.

- My pleasure. - I'd like a little silence

- while I drive. Thank you very much. - No problem.

You're welcome.

[car seat whirring]

You broke the seat. You broke the goddamn seat.

- I don't believe it. - It wasn't broken when I got out.

You messed around with it until you broke it.

How can you break a car seat? It's impossible.

- What do you mean it's impossible? - Do you want to drive?

No, I don't. Why did you do this?

[seat whirring]

Jesus!

Look, I'm not going to be held responsible for faulty engineering.

Oh, boy, this is comfortable. This is really comfortable.

I don't want to argue, all right? Let's not fight.

All right. All right.

Then I'm going to go to sleep. All right.

I'm putting my wallet in the glove compartment. Don't let me forget it.

[Del] All right.

♪ Ah, you can talk about the pit, barbecue

♪ The band was jumpin’, the people too

♪ Ah, mess around

♪ They doin’ the mess around

♪ They doin’ the mess around

♪ Everybody doin’ the mess around

♪ Now, ah, when I say stop don’t you move a peg

♪ When I say go just, ah, shake your leg

♪ And do the mess around

♪ I declare, do the mess around

♪ Now let me have it there boy

[piano solo playing]

♪ Now you got it boy

[saxophone solo playing]

♪ Go on, mess around

♪ Now this band’s goin’ to play from 9 to 1

♪ Everybody here’s gonna have some fun

♪ Doin’ the mess around

♪ They doin’ the mess around

♪ Everybody do the mess around ♪

[horn honking]

[radio announcer] That was Ray Charles doing the “Mess Around”.

Looking outside, the weather’s beginning to clear up now.

I hope you’re enjoying your evening. We’re coming up on half past the hour…

[exclaiming]

[tires skidding]

Shit!

[grunting]

There you go. OK.

Now get out, just relax.

Let go! Let go!

[screaming]

[brakes screeching]

[sighing]

What's happening?

We almost hit a deer, that's all.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I'm fine.

It's getting pretty hot in here. You ought to take your parka off.

Yes, yes, I will.

[honking]

[man] Holy shit! Look at that guy on the wrong side of the highway.

He's going to kill somebody!

- [honking horn] - Oh, my God.

[man] Hey! Hey!

[honking]

Hey, what's going on?

Some joker wants to race.

Turn around!

Don't race. That's ridiculous.

All right, come on. Let's go. Let's go.

Put your window down!

- He wants something. - He's probably drunk.

- [man] You're going the wrong way! - What?

[both] You're going the wrong way!

He says we're going the wrong way.

He's drunk. How would he know where we're going?

Yeah, how would he know?

- Thank you. Thanks a lot. Terrific. - Thank you!

[honking]

What a moron.

You're going in the wrong direction!

[both] You're going to kill somebody!

- You're going the wrong way! - Tell him to turn around.

[truck honking]

Truck, truck.

- What? What?! - Truck!

[screaming]

[laughing maniacally]

[brakes screeching]

[car creaking]

[car honking]

Well, this isn't so bad.

Yeah, I thought it would be a lot worse than this.

They ought to be able to buff this out, no problem.

Oh, yeah.

[laughing]

Wow!

I mean, that was close.

We can laugh about it now. We're all right, you know.

The whole...

Maybe we should just get my stuff off the road, huh? What do you think?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea.

[groaning] My back! Oh, God.

Come on, come on. Up.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Set it down for a second.

- [sighs] What a night. - [fire crackling]

[metal clanging]

[laughs]

[laughing]

What? What?

You finally did it to yourself.

I mean, good luck turning the car in.

I mean, they're gonna be happy as pigs in shit to see you.

How could you rent the thing anyway, without a credit card?

I mean, you couldn't. I mean, how did you do it?

I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings.

You can't rent a car with shower curtain rings, Del.

Well...

...somehow your Diners Club card wound up in my wallet.

And, I...

You stole it!

- Not exactly. - You stole my card!

No, I swear on my life, I didn't! I did not steal your card.

You stole my card and then you rented a car and then you burned it up!

I did not!

- I found it in my wallet! - I knew you stole it!

I thought you put it there.

- Why would I put it there? - Kindness?

Kindness?

Kindness? You stole it! He stole it.

No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I... I was going to send it back to you

with whatever the rental car charge was, plus interest.

But you didn't give me your address. What was I supposed to do?

You just ditched me. I had no money. I had no cards. I had nothing!

- Give it back! - I can't!

- Why not? - Because...

- Because why? - Because when we stopped to gas up,

I put the card back in your wallet.

[groaning]

Are you mad at me?

[screaming]

You know, you could have killed me slugging me in the gut

when I wasn't ready.

That's how Houdini died, you know?

Well, one good thing about it,

with all this fresh air, we're gonna sleep like babies.

Neal. Hey. Hey, Neal. Wait up.

I need one room.

Look, if you're pissed at me, maybe we should get separate rooms.

- You get your own room. - I need a major credit card.

All right.

l have... Diners...

...Visa...

...and a gasoline card.

These aren't credit cards.

All right, I'll pay cash. Cash.

- $42.50. - All right.

How about $17?

I can't do that.

Please... have mercy.

I've been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.

I can vouch for that.

I don't... I don't... I don't own the place.

Seventeen dollars and a hell of a nice watch.

[engine stalling]

[laughing]

Would you like a room?

I've got a slight problem here. I don't have the $42.50.

Do you have $17 and a good watch?

No, I don't. I have...

I have two dollars and a...

...and a Casio.

I'm gonna have to say good night, so...

Well, Marie, once again, my dear,

you were as right as rain.

I am, without a doubt,

the biggest pain in the butt that ever came down the pike.

I meet someone whose company I really enjoy.

What do I do?

I go overboard. I smother the poor soul.

I cause him more trouble than he has a right to.

God, I got a big mouth.

[sighing]

When am I ever going to wake up?

I wish you were here with me right now...

...but I guess that's not going to happen.

Not now, anyway.

What did I do to get hooked up with this guy?

You're going to freeze to death out there.

- How's your drink? - Good.

Go for another one? Where have you been?

Have you been to Italy? Have you had amaretto?

I had an amaretto and this is a gin.

What gin?

Give me that, is there a tequila there?

- A little Mexican trip. - Tequila?

Here you go. Coming up.

Is this a good combo or what?

No, probably not.

Me, I'm going back to Jamaica.

[in Jamaican accent] Jamaica, man. Go to Jamaica.

Have some rum, man. Dig it. Irie, irie, man.

Shit.

You know, when I'm dead and buried,

all I'm going to have around here to prove that I was here

was some shower curtain rings that didn't fall down.

Great legacy. Huh?

At the very least, at the absolute minimum,

you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?

You love her, don't you?

Love is not a big enough word.

It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife.

- To the wives. - To the wives.

Wow!

Well, let me just close this conversation

by saying you are one unique individual.

What is "unique", Latin for "asshole"?

Grab those off, or I'm going to kick them off.

Well, I'll tell you, as much trouble as I've had on this little journey,

I'm sure one day I'm gonna look back and laugh.

[chuckling]

You think so?

I'm laughing already.

- [Del] Oh, God. - Oh, when that car blew up.

Was that seat hot, or what? I feel like a big Whopper.

Turn me over, I'm done on this side.

I'm afraid to look at my ass, you know.

I might have those griddle marks on my ass.

What is that?

Potato chips.

They're everywhere!

Why do I feel like I'm at summer camp?

[continues laughing]

How the hell does this turn off?

[screams]

- All set? - Just a minute.

- Give it a good push now. - All right.

All right.

[grunting]

- Push! Put some muscle into it! - I am! I am!

[Del] Push, for Christ's sakes!

- I think we have to rock it a bit. - All right. OK.

Up and down, up and down.

- Here we go. Ready? - OK. Yeah.

Here we go. Reverse.

[groans]

Huh.

Get in!

Go!

[Del and Neal] ♪ Blue Moon of Kentucky keep on shining

♪ Shine on the one who’s gone and proved untrue

♪ Blue Moon of Kentucky keep on shining

♪ Shine on the one who’s gone and left me blue

♪ It was on a moonlit night Stars shining bright

♪ They whispered from on high Your love has said goodbye

♪ Blue Moon of Kentucky keep on shining ♪

[beeps]

[siren wailing]

Great. Great. A cop. Watch it!

- How fast are you going? - I can't tell.

- The speedometer's melted. - Pull over.

- Top of the morning, Officer. - Hi.

Is there something I can help you with?

What the hell you driving here?

We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time.

Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Funnily enough, I was just talking to my friend about that.

Our speedometer's melted, and as a result, it's very hard to say

with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.

Seventy-eight miles an hour.

[whistling] Seventy-eight, huh?

Well, yeah, I can buy that. Sure, I guess.

You know, you would know better than us,

especially since we've got a melted speedometer.

Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?

Yes, I do. Yes, I really do. I... I believe that.

I know it's not pretty to look at, but it will get you where you want to go.

- Now, you got no outside mirror. - No, we lost that.

- You have no functioning gauges? - [Del] No, not a one.

However, the radio still works, funny as that may seem.

With all this mess, the radio is the only thing that's really working good.

And it's just clear as a bell. Don't ask me how.

I can't let you go ahead in this vehicle.

- You can't what? - No, it's not fit for the road.

The vehicle will be impounded until such time as it can be made safe

for travel on state highways.

OK, Officer, I admit it. I broke the law, and, for that, I'm really sorry.

I am. It will never happen again. I... You got me there,

and I won't argue with you one iota, I swear.

However...

...if you impound our car, I'm gonna be unable to get my friend here

home in time for his Thanksgiving dinner.

[truck honking]

Well, our ship has come in!

It's free and it's nonstop.

Didn't I tell you I was going to get you home?

I don't care, just so the heater’s working.

Oh... the driver's a little freaky about people riding up in his cab.

So, we can't sit there.

Well, if we can't sit up there, where are we supposed to ride?

Beats walking, huh?

You know, you're going to be in Chicago in less than three hours,

around there, if we don't hit any traffic, and I don't think we should.

It's Thanksgiving.

We're moving now.

- Believe this? - It's been a hell of a trip.

- It sure has. - But after all is said and done, you...

...you did get me home, and I really appreciate it.

Hey, next time, let's go first class, all right?

Oh, God, I hope there isn't a next time.

I know what you mean. I really do.

This you?

Yeah.

It's been great meeting you, Neal. It really has.

Again, I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.

No, you didn't cause me any trouble. You got me home, and...

- A little late. - A couple of days.

But I'm a little wiser, too. So...

Me, too.

- Happy holidays. - Same to you.

- Happy Thanksgiving, Neal. - OK.

- Give my love to the family, will you? - Same to you.

Maybe I'll get a chance to meet them one day.

OK. Say hello to Marie for me. I feel like I know her.

Yeah.

So, OK.

- And you have a happy Thanksgiving. - Hey, you know it.

So long.

I like... I like me. My wife likes me.

At the very least, at the absolute minimum,

you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?

I've been spending too much time away from home.

I haven't been home in years.

I haven't been home in years. I haven't been home in years.

Del, what are you doing here?

You said you were going home. What are you doing here?

[Del] I...

I don't have a home.

Marie's been dead for eight years.

Oh, boy. You are one lucky guy, Neal.

I know.

Look, I won't stay long or anything. Maybe I'll just come in and say hi,

- and then I'll be on my way, all right? - Just come on.

- Hi, kiddo. - Daddy!

- Daddy! - Hello!

Neal's home!

[Neal] Del Griffith, I want you to meet my father-in-law Walt,

- my mother-in-law Peg, my mother Joy. - Hi.

- My dad Martin. - Pleasure to see you. Welcome, Del.

The big guy's Neal Jr. My little gem, Marti.

And somewhere around here is my little baby boy, Seth.

Honey, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.

- Hello, Mr. Griffith. - Hello, Mrs. Page.

♪ Every time you go away

♪ You take a piece of me with you

♪ Every time you go away

♪ You take a piece of me with you

♪ Go on and go free

♪ Maybe you’re too close to see

♪ I can feel your body move

♪ Yeah

♪ It doesn’t mean that much to me

♪ I can’t go on saying the same thing

♪ Can’t you see

♪ We’ve got everything do you even know we know

♪ Every time you go away

♪ You take a piece of me

♪ Take a piece of me with you ♪

[Neal] You’re messing with the wrong guy!

I can take anything.

What is that supposed to mean?

You’re no saint.

[Del] I never did introduce myself. Del Griffith.

Del Griffith. Del Griffith.

- Del Griffith. - [Neal] I can take anything.

[Del] Wow!

[laughing]

I mean, that was close.

You’re messing with the wrong guy!

We can laugh about it now. We’re all right.

[laughing]

Del Griffith. Del Griffith. Del Griffith.

You’re no saint.

Del Griffith.

[Neal] I can take anything.

[Del] We can laugh about it now.

How can you stand it?

How can you stand it?

Del Griffith.

Wow.

You’re no saint.

How can you stand it?

Del Griffith.

How can you stand it?

[Del laughing]

I mean, that was close.

You’re messing with the wrong guy!

We can laugh about it now. We’re all right.

[laughing]

Del Griffith. Del Griffith.

You’re no saint.

Del Griffith.

I can take anything.

There’s two…

…or one, or…

...or three.