Original subtitles

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Downloaded from YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(shoes clopping)

(crunching)

(retching)

(high-pitched scream)

(airplane whooshing)

(clattering)

(comedic whistling)

(crashing)

- [Voiceover] Ladies and gentlemen,

Kevin Smith!

(audience cheers)

- [Voiceover] We love you!

- Hi.

(audience cheers)

Thank you, thank you.

All right, thank you.

Gets annoying after a while, stop it.

No, I'm kidding.

Man, I fuckin' crave that shit.

That's what allows me to sleep at night,

remembering a reaction that big.

An audience welcome that nice just reminds me

that I'm not too fat to be loved.

(audience cheers)

This is awesome.

40 years ago tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

in this very town, Red Bank, New Jersey,

the cradle of civilization,

(audience laughs)

I was brought into this world,

some say shat into existence.

(audience laughs) (audience member shouts)

Thank you very much.

And the lovely woman who is responsible for that

is here tonight.

Without her, I couldn't stand up here and talk.

I would just be a rotten cum stain

in my father's very old drawers,

41 year old drawers by now, man.

(audience exclaims)

Fuck you, she likes it when people like me.

Don't go boo.

(audience laughs)

Ladies and gentlemen, without this woman,

I couldn't be up here ever

and it is a real privilege to introduce to you tonight

to the woman 40 years ago put me here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Grace Smith, my mom.

(audience cheers)

That is the only woman on the planet

who I have ever made go, "Ow."

(audience laughs)

You know what I mean?

(audience laughs)

Okay.

She likes that.

She likes when people like her son and shit.

I think she was always like, "Man, one day,

"my own baby boy's gonna soar with the eagles,"

and then one day, she was like,

"Nope, he's too fat to fly," so.

- [Audience Member] Fuck you, Southwest!

(everyone laughs)

- Yeah, fuck them.

Not fuck Southwest.

I've actually come to a place of peace

with Southwest to some degree, some degree.

I mean, as most of you know, I ran into some trouble

with the airlines, at least recently,

and because of that, I decided to stop flying.

I kind of got divorced from the sky

and I took the land where I just roam forever

(audience laughs)

in a bus from place to place

like the Incredible Hulk and shit, you know.

Whenever I get on the bus and stuff,

I look back at my family, wave as I get on,

I press a tape and it does dun-dun, dun-dun,

dun-dun, and they both, tear rolls down their cheeks

and they're like, "If only he could get on an airplane."

(audience laughs)

I did, I bought a bus and shit like that

and it wasn't a hasty decision that I came to.

It kinda came after flying wasn't an option.

Ran into trouble on Southwest Air

some people may have heard,

and problem with it was I had a bunch of gigs

like this being up on a stage coming up

right around that period of time,

so I was like, man, how am I supposed to get

from place to place if I'm not gonna fly?

And I didn't wanna fly because a friend of mine had said,

"You gotta check out this website,"

and it was a paparazzi website

and the website, there was a thread on it

and it was talking about me

'cause I just, all that shit happened,

too fat to fly, blah, blah, blah.

There was a bounty out for a picture of me,

which I was like, what the fuck?

What kinda picture?

And the picture they described was

get this fat fuck in a little chair.

(audience laughs)

That was valued at $5,000.

Then under it, there was another picture.

$10,000 if you get him in a little chair

eating a big sandwich.

(audience laughs)

Now ladies and gentlemen, I like to eat.

When I go to the airport, I sit in little chairs

and when I sit in little chairs,

goddamnit, I eat big sandwiches.

So I was like I'm not gonna give that to them.

I ain't gonna it to them anymore, man.

I'm not gonna go near the fucking airport

and shit like that, although I did think briefly

about takin' my own picture because...

(audience laughs and applauds)

I could get a picture, man, I could do that.

I could totally set up like a Peter Parker kinda thing.

You know, like he'd fucking set a camera up,

then dress up as Spidey and be like, "Ah,"

and then sell the fuckin' picture to J. Jonah Jameson,

who's like, "I hate you, Parker,

"but goddamnit, you get the good pictures and shit."

So I could've made 15K pretty easy and shit,

but I was like, you know what?

I'd like to hold on to my dignity a little longer

or at least hold out until 50K or something like that.

So I was like I'm not gonna do that.

I gotta find an alternate mode of transportation

and I was tryin' to think of how to do it

and I remembered that during the shooting of Cop Out,

which was like last summer this time,

I ran into a similar kind of cross country problem

where I had to get somebody and flying,

get somewhere and flying was not an option.

We were shootin' Cop Out,

late night sequence Friday night,

and I had to get up to Toronto, Ontario,

specifically Brantford, Ontario,

to go to the Walter Gretzky street hockey tournament.

(audience cheers)

Now I hadn't played street hockey in about 15 years.

I hadn't been between the pipes in about 15 years

and not because like, man, I was so good when I retired.

(audience laughs)

I hadn't done it, been quite a while,

and I wanted to go in a big, bad way.

Unfortunately, it was happening

while we're makin' the shoot,

but I was like, "Ah, it's fuckin' Cop Out.

"It directs itself, let's go."

(audience laughs)

So I told everyone, I was like,

"I'm gonna go up to Brantford, play hockey,"

and the producers on the movie,

I just met some of them, it was a brand new production,

they're like, "What?"

I was like, "Yeah, I'm goin' up to Brantford

"to play in a hockey tournament."

They're like, "What do you play?

"You play sports?"

(audience laughs)

I was like, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm a goalie,"

and they're like, "Oh, that makes sense."

(audience laughs)

They're like, "Anything get past you?"

I was like, "No, you think I'm that good?"

They're like, "Just that wide.

"You're a filler, aren't you?"

And I said, "Yeah, and I'm gonna go up

and have a good time," and Warner Bros,

the studio got in touch with me

'cause it was their movie and they're like,

"For insurance purposes, we can't let you leave the set,

"go to a foreign country,

"and have balls thrown at your face,"

and I was like, "Why?

"Affleck does that all the time."

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

That's such a weak joke.

(audience laughs)

So I was like, "Look, I'm doin' this, man.

"I'm feelin' this.

"This hockey thing is something I really gotta fuckin' do

"and so I'm gonna go up there,"

and so all right, "We don't know about it.

"Just do it without us knowing."

I said, "Fine."

And we had arranged to fly

'cause I was flying in those days,

but unfortunately, we were going late

on the shoot and whatnot, and I was like fuck, man.

We're not gonna make our flight.

And Malcolm, my friend Malcolm Ingram,

who's a filmmaker as well

and has been my friend for many years,

one of my dearest friends actually,

he usually comes and hangs out whenever I make a movie,

and he comes for a visit.

Generally speaking, he'll be like,

"I'm gonna come up for a few days."

I'm like, "All right,"

and then he stays 'til the end of the show.

But I like him to be there

'cause he's kinda like my guy Friday and shit like that

and he'll hang out with me.

He's kinda like a paid friend on set.

So he'll hang out throughout the whole show

and he was hangin' out with me

and kinda I was leanin' on him throughout

and I was like, "Malcolm, I don't know

"how we're gonna get up there, man.

"We're not gonna make it.

"We're gonna shoot late tonight.

"Last flight out's fucking 10 o'clock, we're screwed."

He was like, "All right, all right,

"let's think about this, man.

"What about a boat?"

(audience laughs)

And I was like, "Well, we could leave New York.

"I don't know how we'd get to Brantford.

"It's landlocked."

He's like, "Well, they got pools there."

(audience laughs)

I said, "Dig deeper, Malcolm,"

and he goes, "Well, what if we just rented a car, man,

"and drove up?"

And I was like, "If I drive up, man,

"how am I supposed to play in the morning?

"Like first game is like noon or one or something."

And he's going, "Good point, good point."

He's going, "Well, what if we rent like an SUV

"and some guy can drive us up and shit like that?"

And I was like, "All right, yeah, yeah,

"maybe that's the move and shit

"and we can kinda sleep in the back."

And he goes, "Oh wait, fuck that."

He's going, "I got a better idea, SUV."

I was like, "What?"

He's going, "What about a prom bus?"

(audience laughs)

And I said, "What do you mean?

"What's a prom bus?"

He's going, "You've never seen one of these things?

"Oh, it's amazing, it's shaped like a tart cart."

And I was like, "I'm familiar with those."

(audience laughs)

He's going, "This is amazing.

"The kids, they take it to the prom, they all pile it.

"It's this little bus.

"It's got all sorts of lights on it and shit like that,

"chaser lights, stripper lights.

"There's a stripper pole.

"You're blastin' music.

"It's a good time from the moment you step onboard."

And I was like, "What, did you see this in a movie?"

He's like, "Yeah, and it seemed really fun."

(audience laughs)

So I said, "All right, that's, I guess, a possibility."

He's going, "Think about it, dude.

"It's big enough, like a tart cart with two dudes in it.

"That's like, like somebody'll be driving,

"we'll have all the room in the back, they got TVs,

"we could bring a video game and play it and shit."

I was like, "All right, man, you sold me.

"We'll fuckin' prom bus it up to Toronto and shit.

"But let's just to keep it on the down low.

"You know what I'm saying?

"Let's just try to pick me up after the show's done.

"We'll leave straight from set,

"but pick me up two streets over and shit."

He's like, "I totally will" and shit.

And I said, "Do me a favor, man.

"If we're gonna be sleepin' on it,

"you should grab some pillows.

"Here's some money.

"Go out to like Target, Tarjay if you will.

"Grab some stuff to lay on and sleep on."

He's going, "Yeah, good point, man, good point."

He's going, "What about body pillows?"

And I was like, "Body pillows?"

He's like, "Oh yeah, you don't know what a body pillow?"

I said, "No."

He's going, "It's a pillow,

"it's about a size of a human being,

"and you get in bed and you could cuddle with it,

"put a leg over it."

(audience laughs and applauds)

I said, "Well, I got a wife

"so I don't really need a body pillow.

"Do the same thing to her."

He goes, "Oh, it's a comfy thing, you'll like it.

"You're gonna wanna body pillow."

I was like, "All right, man,

"grab a body pillow if you must."

He's like, "What style?"

(audience laughs)

I was like, "What do you mean what style?"

He's like, "What design you're lookin' at?"

I said, "Dude, I don't care."

He's like, "What about when we're done?"

I was like, "Do you think I'm gonna keep

"the fucking sheets and blankets and fucking pillows

"that were laying on the floor of the prom bus, dude?

"Do you know what's on the floor of a prom bus?

"Like fucking dried jizz, broken promises, dignity."

(audience laughs and applauds)

I said, "No, no."

I said, "The shit we buy, we can leave on the bus."

He's like, "So you don't want it?"

And I was like, "Malcolm, pick out whatever you want."

He's like, "Okay," and I trust Malcolm.

Malcolm is one of my closet friends,

but not only that, Malcolm is what they refer to as a bear

in the gay community.

I know that because he tells me all the time,

"I'm a bear."

And I'm like, "I'm a wolf."

(audience laughs)

Bear, as Malcolm described it to me in the gay community,

he was so excited when he first told me about it and shit.

Dude called me up, he's like, "I'm a bear, I'm a bear!"

I was like, "What do you mean?"

He's like, "I found my place in the world, I'm a bear."

I was like, "What is it?"

And he's like, "A bear is someone who looks like you

"but get laids a lot.

"With guys."

And I was just like, "Get outta here."

He's like, "Yeah, I'm a bear, you're a bear."

Bear apparently, this dude who does look like me,

large, sometimes rotund, usually kinda hairy,

facial hair to some degree,

and he's like, "And guess what our boyfriends are called."

I was like, "What?"

He goes, "Cubs."

"Isn't that cute?"

He's going, "I'm a bear and my boyfriend would be a cub."

And I was like, "I like that.

"I guess that's kinda cool.

"What's it like out there?"

He says, "Amazing, dude."

He's going, "Oh, you have no idea."

He's going, "I walk into the right bar,

"I'm Marilyn fuckin' Monroe."

(audience laughs)

I was like, "What do you mean?"

He's like, "'Cause they love the fat in the bear community.

"These cubs, they come for the fat man.

"It's like the honey pot."

I was like, "What do you mean?"

He's like, "That's what they're all about."

He's going, "They don't detest fat, they love fat,"

and I was like, "Nobody loves fat."

He's going, "These fuckin' crazy people do."

He's going, "It's insane, dude.

"They like the fat to be used in the sex and shit."

He's going, "I bet you fuckin' never take your shirt off

"while you're fuckin'."

I was like, "Malcolm, I don't take my shirt off

"in the shower

"for fear that I might catch a glimpse

"at one of my boobs, you know."

And he's going, "Oh, at this place, you take it all off

"'cause the fat's a part of it."

And I was like, "What do you mean?"

He's like, "Like, basically, I got a cub down here

"suckin' my dick, right?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, say it quieter and softer, would you?"

(audience laughs)

He's like, "I got a cub down here suckin' my dick

"and what I do is I take my gut

"and I lay it on his head gently

"and I start rubbing his head back and forth with it."

So I mean, the effect of it

is kind of something akin to this.

(audience laughs)

You know what I'm sayin'?

He just rubbin' his head back and forth.

I said, "Get outta here."

He said, "Oh, they love it, and you talk to 'em and shit

"and you tell 'em, like, do you like that fat?

"I love chocolate."

You work it in.

He's like, "They like to be reminded of the lard."

I said, "Get outta here."

He's like, "Oh, and it's the best when you finish."

I said, "How do you finish?"

He's going, "Just when I know I'm about to cum,

"I pick up my gut, drop it on his fuckin' head."

(audience laughs)

I said, "Malcolm, I'm so glad you found love.

"He's gonna fuck you, it's awesome,

"it's the most amazing thing ever,"

and Malcolm's the guy that'll come back

and teach me all sorts of gay terminology and whatnot.

Like, after he educated me about the bears,

he'd come back and be like,

"Do you know what they call a bear who lives in Alaska?

"A polar bear."

And then he's like, "You know what they call one in Japan?

"A panda bear."

And so he would do that and continuously update me.

He's always been good like that.

Malcolm, aside from being one of my closest friends,

is also what I consider like my gay avatar,

you know what I'm sayin'?

He's the dude that like he goes out into the world

and interacts with all the blue cats,

comes home, gives me the data.

I'm like, "Right on, right on,"

as I try to understand the gay community even better.

So as my gay avatar, the dude is usually also the idea man.

The idea in this case is the prom bus.

So I'm on the set, it's late Friday night

last summer, shootin' Cop Out.

We're shootin' a sequence with Bruce and Tracy,

Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan.

We've sent the sound department home

'cause there's no more dialogue left to be doing.

It's just basically Bruce and Tracy

tryin' to go into the villain's house Poh Boy,

and they're holdin' their guns and shit.

It's just basically a bunch

of non-dialogue orientated stuff.

I'm sittin' there directin' a scene

and how you direct movies is you sit behind a little monitor

and watch them and then say, "Cut,"

and go over, correct, then come back, watch it again.

So essentially, to make a movie,

you just have to watch TV all the time

and I've had a lifetime of training for that,

so you think I'd be a better director, but I'm not.

So anyway. (audience laughs)

I'm sittin' there kind of watching the little monitor,

and Bruce and Tracy are kinda moving along

with their guns in the air and shit like that,

and we're shooting in Brooklyn

and we've opened up the streets

so people could go back and forth, so there's traffic

and I'm hearin' traffic all the time and shit like that,

so I don't register cars as they pull up,

which was weird and sad because Bruce and Tracy did

while we're makin' the movie.

I'm watchin' the monitor,

and I see Bruce and Tracy goin' like this.

(audience laughs)

And I'm like, why are these guys breaking character?

What the fuck are they lookin' at and shit?

And I turn around, backin' up, massive prom bus.

(audience laughs and applauds)

So fuckin' huge, man.

Had the boop, boop, boop that was backing up,

but more than that, Malcolm had really decked it out

to the fuckin' nines.

It was like he got on and said, "Turn everything on,"

'cause as it backed up, the fuckin' lights are blinkin',

chasing around the window, the stripper pole is wrapped

with lights and that's blinkin',

and accordingly to the music,

it don't mean nothing but a good time, you know.

Malcolm thought we were goin' to the prom.

So Bruce and Tracy are pointing and laughing,

and I'm like, "Okay, cut, let's cut,"

and I looked at that take, I was like,

"We're good, I think we're good for tonight.

"We should get outta here."

Bruce and Tracy comes over, they're like,

"Kev, are you going to the prom tonight?"

(audience laughs)

I said, "No, man, I'm just goin' up to Toronto."

They're like, "With who, your boyfriend?"

And I said, "What boyfriend?"

They're like, "The one carryin' all those pillows."

(audience laughs and applauds)

So I'm just like, oh my God.

Malcolm is pulling a fuckin' seven large body pillows

from the back of an SUV

loading 'em onto the back of the prom bus

and these fuckers are decked out with zebra stripes,

one is hot pink, one's very purple,

all the fuckin' linens match as well,

and he's carryin' 'em with a huge smile, like.

(audience laughs)

Puts 'em all up on the fuckin' bus.

I bid adieu to the cast and everybody,

assure the producers I'll be back for shooting on Monday

and that I'll try not to get hurt or anything.

Approach the bus, we have two drivers up front,

and the drivers look at me and they have an expression

and I kinda recognize the expression, I think,

and it's the expression people have when they're like,

"Oh, it's that fuckin' guy.

"It's fuckin', it's too fat to fly."

But this is before that so they didn't have that

so they were just like,

"Oh, it's that fuckin' Silent Bob fucker" or something like,

"Oh, it's the Clerks guy" or whatever, you know,

and so they're lookin' at me, not sayin' anything,

I give 'em the nod and shit like that and whatnot,

and I move into the back of the cabin

and then I realize the look that they were givin' me

isn't oh, that's Silent Bob.

They were like oh, that's the faggot that hired us,

and I realize that because I went back

and Malcolm had set the back of the bus up like a gay harem.

(audience laughs)

All the pillows layin' around,

all the covers, blankets covering everything.

The TV was playing pornography.

(audience laughs)

And so those dudes weren't lookin' at me like

that's Silent Bob.

They were lookin' at me like

these two gay sumo wrestlers

are gonna fuck one another

the whole ride up to Ontario.

(audience laughs and applauds)

So we went.

It was a pretty successful trip and shit.

So months and months later,

Southwest Airlines thing happens

and I'm like fuck, I can't fly anymore,

and then I was like maybe I can

cross the country in a prom bus and shit like that

and then I was like that'd be so bumpy

'cause that ride seem bumpy and shit

and I was like not a prom bus,

but then I was like wait a second.

If you do a bus, prom bus is just a rock star bus.

It's just shorter, it's the miniature version.

Why don't you do a tour bus, man,

like fuckin' Coal Miner's Daughter

or more recent reference, the one that Jason Lee was in.

What was it called, the movie?

- [Audience] Almost Famous.

- What was it?

- [Audience] Almost Famous.

- Almost Famous, like the Almost Famous tour bus and shit.

So I looked it up online.

It's amazing, like you can do anything in this world.

Now I never thought like you could rent a tour bus and shit.

Just looked it up, you can literally rent a tour bus.

And I called 'em, I said,

"Yeah, I would like to rent a tour bus.

"I got like five dates on the road

"and basically I wanna hit 'em

"and come back to Los Angeles."

And the dude was like, "How many people on the bus?"

I was just, "Just one."

(audience laughs)

And there's a long beat and he goes,

"Are you that too fat to fly guy?"

(audience laughs)

I was like, "No,"

and I tried to thin up when I responded.

So I rented the bus, you know, and I made the transaction.

It was all organized and shit like that.

Couldn't wait to do it, felt real chuff with myself.

Told the wife, I was like,

"Guess who's rentin' a rock star tour bus?"

And she's like, "Fat piece of shit that won't fly."

(audience laughs)

I said, "Yes, dear."

Then I went and cried.

I was so excited, but nobody was gonna appreciate

the bus as much as one other person on the planet.

So I jumped online lookin' for Malcolm,

he was on iChat, and I hit him up with a little iChat thing

and I was just like, "Guess how I'm getting to all my gigs,"

and I wait for his response,

takes him a long time to type and shit,

and then he writes, "Prom bus," question mark,

and I write back, "Better," exclamation point.

Bling, send, wait for him to fuckin' write back,

and he writes, "Better than a prom bus,"

many question marks.

(audience laughs)

And I write back, huge caps,

"Rock star tour bus, motherfucker."

(audience laughs and applauds)

And I'm waitin' for the phone to immediately ring,

at that point like, "Hello?

"Get outta here, a rock star tour?

"Can I go?"

Didn't ring and shit, wasn't responding.

I was like get outta here.

How can you not find that fuckin' impressive

and shit like that?

And after about five minutes,

suddenly his little icon lights up and shit like that

and he starts typin' on the other side

and it takes him a long time to type

so I'm like this is gonna be a book.

My man is like, "I've respected you for years,

"but this takes it to the next level,"

a dissertation on me and the bus and shit like that.

The message finally comes through

after about two minutes of him typing,

one word, genius.

(audience laughs)

So that's how I arrived with the bus

and like every other night and other other gig I do,

I got here on the bus and bus is just somewhere outside

and it's very cool, I don't know, I kinda like it.

It's neat, it's having like your own private train car.

It's kinda like being in the Wild, Wild West,

the movie, the bad one, not the real.

Always open up my bus window and it's a cool thing.

You just sit there drivin' and shit,

go to sleep, smoke a joint, jerk off,

sometimes fuck your wife if she's there, you know.

But then every once in a while, you're drivin',

you open up the window, you're like, "Iowa,"

close the window,

(audience laughs)

go back to all those things, never get off the bus.

Couple days later, open it up,

Kansas, close it.

It's a pretty kinda cool unique way to live, man,

and Malcolm kinda gave it to me

and it's kinda of gift.

Southwest really gave it to me

hard up the ass.

But it all worked out with the bus and whatnot.

So that's how I got here,

but I don't wanna talk about my shit.

I wanna talk about your shit.

We wanna talk about what you wanna talk about tonight,

and generally speaking how I like to do these things

is we open it up to the audience

as I'm sure many of you know.

It's just Q,A basically.

I'm not a stand up or anything like that.

I just like to answer questions

and sometimes the answers tend to be a bit on the long side,

but not tonight.

Tonight we're keep shit short, tight and movin' on and shit,

try to get to as many questions as we can tonight.

(audience applauds)

So generally speaking, there are two mics.

There's one here, there's one here.

To keep the clutter outta the aisles,

we're just kinda lettin' a few people stand up

and then they'll bring them up as we continue and whatnot.

So mic, mic, and then I'll hit that one.

Where am I starting, this side, that side, this side?

Okay, so basically, I'll start there, jump over to here.

There's no mics upstairs or anything, no?

- [Audience Member] They boned us!

- No, right, sorry.

Cheap seats.

(audience laughs)

All right, so we'll start there

and we're gonna go over there and whatnot,

and basically it's up to you.

We can talk about whatever you guys

kinda wanna talk about.

That's the way I like to play the Q,A stuff.

So how are you, sir?

What's your name?

Say your name 'cause we're gonna talk to you

for a little bit.

- My name is Shawn.

- Shawn, nice to meet you.

Welcome, and thanks for doing the first question.

Everybody, give him a round of applause.

(audience applauds)

- Happy birthday, first off.

- Thank you so much, Shawn.

Thank you,

and thank you for setting the tone for this evening.

(Shaun laughs) (audience laughs)

- My question is, what was it like--

- Apparently you didn't set it very well.

- Yeah, apparently not.

- You're like, "Huh, me?

"Fuck that."

- Yeah, thanks.

What was it like to finally get to direct Bruce Willis?

Or did he direct you?

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, you don't direct Bruce Willis, man.

You just kind of show up and be like,

"What do you wanna do?

"Okay, I'm gonna stand over here.

"You do it and not get in your way."

It's a long story.

Sit down.

(audience laughs)

Go on, sit down.

(audience applauds)

The only way that I possibly coulda gotten away

with directing Bruce Willis

was shortly before I did

there was a huge life change that I made.

At age 38, I became a stoner.

Lot a people are just like, "What do you mean?

"What do you mean?

"You weren't stoning before?"

And shit like that, and I hadn't been.

I wrote all those movies and shit like that.

I had smoked weed from time to time and shit,

but a rank fuckin' amateur and shit,

and I was always one of those guys like,

"I don't get high.

"I don't feel the effects of it," and shit like that.

So that all changed.

When I became 38, I became a hardcore stoner

slowly over the course of like many hours.

(audience laughs)

'Cause what happened was it was the 4th of July

right before Zack and Miri Make a Porno opened up.

I was done cuttin' the movie.

We kinda put it to bed and shit like that.

We were just waiting for it to come out,

do maybe a little final touch up mix,

and earlier, a few months earlier

when we made Zack and Miri, Malcolm was there as always

and he was tellin' me, came up to me one day on set

and he goes, "Rogen wants to get high with you,"

and I was like, "Right on, I don't do that."

He's going, "I know you don't normally do that

"but this is Rogen.

"It's like he invented weed, you know.

"He's the god of pot smokers,"

and I was like, "Yeah, but I can't fuckin' smoke pot.

"and fuckin' I never smoke pot anyway.

"You think I'm gonna do it while I'm making a movie?

"I can't do that sorta thing.

"Man, just tell him like maybe when the movie's over,

"but even then, Malcolm, you know me, I'm not a smoker."

He's like, "I know."

So show went on and stuff,

had a great time while we were doing it and whatnot,

and we got toward the end of it and it was like the last day

and Banks finished before Seth finished,

and Seth and I were on set doin' some last minute stuff.

He had very few things he had to do

before we were gonna let him go forever.

And so we're standin' there waitin' for set up and shit

and I rolled up on him and I was just like,

"What are you gonna do after we wrap tonight?"

And he was like, "Oh, probably just pack and whatnot.

"I'm off in the morning."

And I was like, "Well, I was thinkin' maybe

"we can go to the editing room and smoke a joint."

And he goes, "Finally. (imitates laughter)

(audience laughs and applauds)

"I was beginning to think you weren't Kevin Smith."

I was like, "Why?"

He's like, "'Cause of those movies

"and all the weed and stuff."

And I was like, "I just write stuff and make it up.

"You?"

He's like, "All true."

So we hung out after the shoot.

We went up to the editing room and smoked a joint.

I hadn't done it in a while,

and Seth had killer fuckin' weed and shit.

I probably been smokin' Jersey ditch weed my whole life,

and this dude was like,

"This just come from God's own fuckin' ass.

"Smoke it," you know.

And I did, and like half a joint in,

and we were just like, "I love you, man.

"You're just the funniest dude ever,"

and that was half a glass of water.

Then I smoked the joint, and then I was,

"You're really funny."

I was a big fan, so we sat there chitchatting

and found that it made me like

I dropped all my kinda bullshit about how I dealt with him

and not wantin' to be too complementary or something.

Don't give this fucker the edge.

He's younger or something.

Just dropped it all, man.

I was like, "I figure you're a genius, dude.

"You were really one of the few people

"I've ever worked with in my life

"that I'm just like I bow to you.

"I think you're way smarter than I.

"I think you're funny.

"I think you're gonna go far, man.

"I think Zack and Miri's gonna be

"a huge movie in your career."

(audience laughs)

He's like, "You think?"

I was like, "I made Mall Rats, I know."

(audience cheers)

So I had a great time.

It was phenomenal and shit, but that was it.

It was one night and I wasn't one of those guys,

like the next morning, I wasn't like,

"Where do we get more of that weed?"

It was just like that was great

and fuckin' good to know that I can imbibe

and enjoy weed and shit like that,

but I had shit to do back home,

went home, edited the movie, worked on it and shit.

Come to 4th of July, we're done,

nothing to do movie-wise,

and I live in a house with my wife and my kid

and her parents live with us as well.

Lovely setup, they're great people and shit.

It's not like a sitcom where I'm like,

"I hate you fuckers!

"I just wanna fuck your daughter!"

Great people, love 'em to fuckin' death and shit.

But it's five people in the house.

This is a big house

and so you don't run into people if you don't want,

but five people in the house

is always five people in the house

and a kid is always a kid and the kid always comes first

before the dad in bed.

(audience laughs)

Well, I mean, follow my story.

I didn't mean that, ew.

(audience laughs)

Where the fuck is your head, you sick fucks?

That's my daughter.

So the kid usually always comes first

in the house and stuff like that,

so when the kid goes away, it's kind of a cool thing.

It's vacation for me and Jen

'cause Jen and I didn't get to really date that much.

We met, I was like, "How are you?

"I would like to impregnate you right now."

And it happened and we were off and runnin' and shit,

and we kind of skipped the dating part,

and Byron and Gail are really nice in as much

as they've afforded us about 10 years

to kind of date each other even though we're married

and they do that by takin' the kid, go somewhere with her.

Take her to Big Bear or something like that.

They'll take her to Disney, take her to Knott's Berry Farm,

and they'll go away from like a day or two

and leave Jen and I alone in the house

and it's awesome because when I'm alone in a house

it takes me right back to my teenage years

when I lived with my mother

and my father and shit like that.

When they left the house,

that's when I could try to fuckin' feel up girls

and stuff like that 'cause I couldn't bring to chicks

to the house and shit like that

'cause my parents weren't very,

they weren't into that and plus no girls would fuck me,

who am I kidding?

So couldn't really bring girls back to the house and whatnot

so when they would go away, that's when I'd like

pick up the phone and call people and be like,

"Norma, you wanna come over and give me a handjob?

"No, okay, goodnight, thanks," click.

"Jessica, you wanna come over, give me a hangjob?

"No, okay, fuck you, bye, thanks."

And just keep going until you found one,

until suddenly, like, "Oh shit, my parents are pulling up.

"I'll give myself a handjob."

And that was that.

So whenever Bryon and Gail and kid leave the house

and it's just me and her, like, I immediately revert

to a fuckin' high school kind of condition

where I just wanna fuck her.

I love my wife.

I'm obviously a big fan of her and shit like that

and we're partners on the road of life and I respect her,

but I love to fuck my wife.

That's it on a stick.

That's why I married her and shit.

She's like, "Did you marry me for love?"

I was like, "Yes, and sex."

So once we hear that they're gonna be outta the house,

I immediately dial in to just like

I just wanna do something wrong and nasty

'cause that's what happened when my parents would leave.

So Byron and Gail took Harley on 4th of July

up to Big Bear and shit, and once they left,

I turned to her and I was like, "The baby's gone.

"Let's do something dirty."

And she's like, "What do you mean?"

I was like, "I don't know, man.

"Let's like fuck on the kid's bed or something.

(audience laughs)

"Just something wrong,

"bring Satan into our sex, you know.

"Kill a small bird or something like that

"while we both cum," and she's just like,

well, she's like, "You wanna do something transgressive?"

I said, "Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

"Let's be bad together and shit."

And she's like, "Well, we have that weed in the safe."

And I was like, "Oh my God, the weed."

Her friend Trish years ago, about five years prior

had given us a little wooden box that had weed in it

for a Christmas present.

Her and Jen and I aren't big smokers,

but so we were like, "Thanks, what do we do with it?"

They're like, "Just keep it around, man,

"like you never know," and shit like that.

And I enjoyed having it in the house

and it was in a safe in the house

because I felt really grown up and shit like that

and I couldn't wait for somebody to be like,

(groans) "Do you have any weed?"

And I could be like, "I do, hold on a second."

(audience laughs)

So it'd been in there for a while

and she's like, "Look, nobody's here and shit.

"Let's smoke it, like maybe we can smoke weed together."

Like, we tried once before and I was like oh yeah,

and we had tried to smoke weed once together once before

and we succeeded very well

but it was a bizarre set of circumstance.

It wasn't as clear cut and shit

and it didn't warrant doing it again.

Like, we had been livin' over in Ledge

in Beverly Hills and shit because the house we live in

in Hollywood is on a hill and a desert and it flooded

and we had to move out.

Long story, I'm not gonna tell it.

We move to this house in Beverly Hills, this rental house--

- [Audience Member] Sierra. - On Sierra, thank you,

Sierra.

(audience laughs)

On Sierra in Beverly Hills and whatnot,

and while we were livin' in the house and whatnot,

we had another one of those occasions

where Trish was like, "You guys ever smoke together?"

And we're like, "Yeah, cigarettes, like motherfuckers

"'cause we're hardass.

"Cigarettes make you look cool and grown up."

And she was like, "No, I meant weed."

And I was like, "No, we don't really do that."

And she's like, "I'm gonna give you guys two joints

"to take home tonight.

"You guys should smoke up.

"It'd be fun," and whatnot.

She gave us two joints.

We took 'em home.

Again, nobody was in the house that night,

so I was like, "Let's smoke this demon weed

"and see what happens" and shit.

And so we smoked it and we smoked one joint together

and kinda passed it back and forth and whatnot

and we're both pretty heavy smokers at that point

so we're both smokin' it like a cigarette,

just like deep draws and shit.

Just (sucks in air), givin' it to her,

tryin' to have a conversation and whatnot,

and where's the filter on this thing?

You know, and passing it back.

We smoked all the way down to the end,

didn't really feel anything,

and I was like, "I'm not stoned, are you stoned?"

She's like, "Not really."

I was like, "I don't get stoned.

"Let's smoke the other joint and see what happens."

So we start smokin' the other joint and shit

and she took one hit and she was like,

"I don't wanna smoke anymore."

I was like, "Really?

"Well, we lit it, we should keep smokin' it,

"and I'm not high yet." (sucks in air)

It was about halfway through that joint

that I realized that sometimes you smoke

it takes a little while to catch up to you

and by the time I finished that second joint,

it had caught up and hit me like a fuckin' freight train

and I had become like green, man,

like that's what she said.

I was just like, she's lookin' at me,

and she's like (gasps),

and I said, "What's the matter?"

She goes, "Kevin, you're green."

And I was like, "Yeah, bitch, I'm high."

(audience laughs)

And she's like, "No, you're green, your pallor is green."

I looked in the mirror and my complexion

had turned kinda greenish lookin'

and I didn't know shit about weed,

so I'm sittin' there going, "I've overdosed on marijuana."

(audience laughs)

Like, I don't know what to do, man.

Like, we should call the cops or something like that.

Apparently if you smoke too much,

and I can't have this forever,

like maybe if we stop it now, we call the cops.

She's like, "You don't wanna call the cops right now.

"You're really stoned."

I was like, "I know, you told me, I'm green."

I was like, "I need food, right?"

She's like, "Yeah, we should get you food."

I was like, "Yeah, food, they say to eat when you're high.

"Maybe that's what we need to do, get some food,"

and so we went downstairs to the kitchen.

There was no fuckin' food to be had.

I was like, "Oh my God, man, I'm fuckin' overdosing on weed

"and I can't eat.

"This is hell on Earth."

And she's like, "Well, let's order from yummy.com."

Yummy.com is this,

I don't know how else to describe it,

it's a delivery service for convenience stores.

It's a convenience store that essentially

delivers groceries to you.

So essentially, you call them up

and you'll be like, "Hey, man,

"I wanna big packet of diapers, a bottle of vodka,

"and some rub off lottery tickets."

And they'll be like, "We'll bring that right to you,"

and they hang up.

In 20 minutes, they come to your door, hang you a bag,

you give 'em some cash or your credit card, off they go,

a convenience store that delivers, stoner's best friend

'cause you're never without,

and they've got a wide selection and shit,

and it was one of the reasons technically, honestly,

that I actually made the move to Los Angeles

'cause I was like, "They have conveniences stores

"that deliver food?

"I could get fatter out there?

"Let's do it!"

So I went out and shit,

and we love this service Pink Dot,

still exists in Los Angeles.

I've seen it every time I visited,

and I was really caught up

in the lure of the convenience store

that would actually deliver and shit,

but Pink Dot wouldn't serve to us

because we bought Ben Affleck's old house

and when Ben Affleck was livin' in the house,

he would go off and shoot movies and shit.

His friends, never had less than seven, eight people

livin' in that house with him at the time,

they would stay behind.

They didn't have the Ben Affleck fuckin' money,

but they liked livin' in Los Angeles.

They liked ordering shit from this place

called Pink Dot that delivers,

and what they would do is they'd order

a big bunch of food and shit, Pink Dot would show up,

they'd open the door, put like eight bags in,

then be like, "Thanks, motherfucker," slam,

and then all of a sudden, that dude was like,

"Hey, I hate Ben Affleck."

(audience laughs)

Off he would go and shit

and I guess they did that more than once

because I guess Ben and the house itself

had a reputation 'cause we moved into the house, me and Jen,

shit, January of 2002.

No furniture, just one TV, and we were like,

"Let's order, let's order a pizza,"

and I was like, "No, we're in Los Angeles now.

"Let's order from Pink Dot.

"Let's order from a convenience store

"that will bring us diapers and liquor and rub offs."

And she was just like, "Okay,"

'cause she knew I was really into and shit.

So we called up Pink Dot and shit

and I said that I'd like to place the following order

and we basically look on everything

on the computer screen and shit.

Tons, big, big fuckin' order and shit, it was a first time.

We were watchin' the Golden Globes

and so we wanted a lot of food to watch and shit.

So I was all finished and they're like,

"Great, what's your address?"

And I gave 'em my home address and they go,

"Oh, fuck you, Affleck," and they hung up.

(audience laughs and applauds)

So basically, we had to start ordering from yummy.com,

which is cool.

It was in our neighborhood and they were much friendlier

and they'd always deliver to us,

and even though we were displaced from our home

and living over at Sierra, we called them up

and started ordering shit.

I was like, "Can you guys deliver here?

"I need emergency food."

And they were just like, "Okay, we're on our way.

"Where are you?" and I gave 'em the address.

They're like, "Okay, what do you want?"

Listed everything.

Started goin' through like let's do this,

let's do this and shit, but do shit like,

"Three Ben , Jerry,"

and she's like, "What kind?"

I'm like, "You pick."

(audience laughs)

So we sat there ordering.

Jen would be like, "Get some of this."

I'd be like, "Yeah, let's do that" and whatnot

and we were all done and the lady was just like,

"Okay, is that gonna finally complete your order?"

And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

And she told me the amount.

It sounded high and shit, but I was like, "Right on."

She's like, "That'll be there in about half hour."

I said, "Okay," and I hung up and shit.

I was like, "We're gonna chow down,"

and Jennifer's like laughing hysterically

and I was like, "What are you laughing at?"

She's like, "Look at the phone, look at the phone."

And I look at the phone, little window

that tells you how long you've been on the phone,

28 minutes.

(audience laughs)

28 fuckin' minutes of just ordering food and shit

and we've might've gone through the whole menu and whatnot.

I'm not quite sure.

So I was like, "Well, that food's on its way.

"I think it's time for me to take a shit."

And she was just like, "I think on weed you tend

"to say things out loud that you wouldn't otherwise."

I said, "Good point," and I went to the bathroom and shit,

looked in the mirror, I was still kinda green,

and I was just kinda hopin'

I could shit it out of me and whatnot

'cause I'm stoned and I don't know,

I'm not educated and shit

so I'm like maybe I have to piss and shit

the chlorophyll outta my body

before I become a man thing, you know.

So I sit and whatnot to take a shit

and I've never taken a shit while stoned before.

It's a completely new fuckin' experience for me

and I've not prepared for it.

I'm used to shittin', I'm a career shitter,

you know what I'm saying?

But like this, I was ill prepared for it.

I'm sitting down and all of a sudden

it just feels like my ass is,

it feels like it's slow opening fuckin',

it felt like the beginning of 2001.

(audience laughs and applauds)

It was just like (sings slow dramatic tune),

and I'm just like, "Open the fuckin' pod bay doors, Hal."

(audience laughs and applauds)

But it took a long fuckin' time, man,

and it was just like suddenly I felt like

okay, the head's out, the turtle head has popped out,

and I can't see, that's the thing.

Like even if I could see if I was thin,

I still don't know if I'd be able to see.

I don't know how it works for thin people and shit,

but when I sit on a toilet,

I've got a lot of leg chub.

I have child-bearing hips and thighs.

So when I sit on a toilet, what happens is

the flab rolls over the side

and creates a kinda hermetic seal around the bowl.

You know what I'm saying?

So I don't know what's going on beneath me.

So I always had to picture it with the mind's eye.

I always have to imagine what's going on.

It's good 'cause I work in the entertainment business

so I can imagine shit, and I'm sittin' there

fuckin' shittin' and all I can see

is this shit kinda coming out of me slowly

almost like fuckin' Tom Carvel style.

(audience laughs)

Like soft serve.

But not fast, really slow,

and it was fuckin' thick,

like it felt like I was sittin' there

and I'm running commentary as I'm sitting on the toilet

'cause I'd never felt anything like it

and when you're high, you're into the texture of things.

You know, you're very touchy.

Thankfully, I didn't touch,

but my sphincter was communicating

all sorts of interesting things to me.

So I'm trying to build it,

that picture in my mind's eyes,

and I keep going, "It's ropy.

"I don't know how else to describe it, but it's ropy.

"I think my poop is ropy,"

and I felt that because it would not break.

Like normally I get in and it's like

three pieces in varying length

and pinch, pinch, pinch, wipe, and out, you know.

This would not break.

It just kept fuckin' going and going.

It was like Avatar.

It wouldn't end.

(audience laughs and applauds)

And I could just see it in my head.

It wasn't ropy like a rope like a rope like a clothesline

that you hang clothes on or something.

It wasn't that thin rope.

It was like the rope you tie up the love boat with,

like yacht mooring ropes,

real fuckin' cable thick like this,

like cock thick or something like that,

and in my head, all I can see is this rope

pouring outta my ass like some sort of Arabic magic trick

or something like that.

And then finally I feels like it's done and whatnot

and I'm like oh my God

and I'm a total fuckin' looker, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I like to look in the bowl.

I'm not one of those dudes who's like flush and ignore it.

Like, that's the closest to childbirth I'll ever get.

So I wanna see the results.

Like, I worked on that for nine hours.

Let me see, you know.

So I always get up and look

and I'm expectin' to see a fuckin' bowl full of shit, man,

because I'd been sittin' there for a long, long fuckin' time

and just fuckin' pourin' outta me

and I thought, like, while I was sittin' there,

I was like there's gonna be so much shit

it's gonna push you off the toilet.

Like, I saw myself as a cartoon character

is just like poopin' like (vibrates lips)

at the top of a tower and shit like that.

So I'm ready to look into the bowl

and I'm thinkin' I'm gonna flush before I wipe

because goddamnit, there's like mountains

of fuckin' crap in there, and I look it,

little rabbit pellet that big.

(audience laughs and applauds)

Just a tiny ass fuckin' nugget,

and I'm like, where did it all go?

But weed slows down time and that's what it did.

All that shit was that tiny little fuckin' nugget.

And then I was just like goddamn,

there must not be a lot to wipe,

and I wrapped my hand up with toilet paper and shit

and give it one long fuckin' wipe and I look.

I'm like that's fine and fuckin' put it in,

flush the toilet and shit, wash, try to compose myself,

climb outta the fuckin' bathroom again.

I'm just chucklin' and shit because of the tiny piece.

I can't wait to tell Jen about my poop.

(audience laughs)

I'm like an infant.

And so I get out there and I go to tell her

but she's lookin' at me

with this fuckin' scared expression on her face.

She's kinda white and pale

and she's surrounded by 30 bags of groceries.

(audience laughs)

All fuckin' full, and I was just like,

"What's this?"

And she goes, "That's the food you ordered."

And I was like, "When did this come?"

And she goes, "45 minutes ago."

(audience laughs and applauds)

I said, "45 minutes ago?

"How long have I been in the bathroom?"

"Two hours, Kevin."

I said, "Get out the fuck" at her.

She goes, "No, you've been in there for two hours

"and I was so fuckin' worried" or something.

And I was like, "If you're so worried,

"why didn't you bang on the door?"

She's like, "I did bang on the door."

I was like, "I didn't hear you."

She's like, "I thought you did

"'cause you were talkin' to me."

And I was like, "What?"

She said, "Yeah, I kept banging on the door going,

"are you all right?

"And you kept saying it's ropy, it's ropy."

(audience laughs and applauds)

So that was the first time we'd ever gotten stoned together.

Cut back to the present in my story,

July 4th, right before Zack and Miri comes out.

Her and I are sittin' there deciding

whether or not we wanna smoke again,

and I said, "Let's do it, let's do it."

And she's like, "Can you roll a joint?

"'Cause I can't."

I was like, "Oh yeah, I made fuckin' Clerks, bitch.

"I can roll a joint."

I rolled the fattest, lumpiest fuckin'

terrible looking non-joint you've ever seen.

It looked more like a fuckin' devil dog

than a joint and shit.

And we smoked it up and this time it was just way different.

I'd had the kinda experience with Seth.

Maybe it was 'cause the weed was all old

'cause it practically crumpled in my hands and shit.

I was like, "How do we grind this?"

And it literally atomized in my hands

and I was like, "We're good to go."

Lit it, smoke it, had such an amazing time.

Like, we were just sittin' there chitchattin'.

We started lookin' at the dog differently.

Like, we just got daffy in the way that you get daffy

but not in the way like movies always show it.

Like, it was this different

kind of mind, and body, soul fuckin' transference experience

where we just laughed at the dog for an hour.

Picked up Shecky, a little wiener dog,

we're like (babbles hysterically)

and the dog was just hangin' there,

sorta pickin' up from the top

and the whole lower half of the body's hangin'

like a fuckin' grandfather clock pendulum,

and her face is just like, why?

Like, you're a weird size.

I don't laugh at you.

Oh, but we had such a blast and shit,

and then I was like, "Let's fuck,"

and she was like, "I'm way ahead of you,"

and we started fuckin' and it was astounding.

It was amazing.

Like, I love sex, cumming is my currency,

I love to fuck and shit.

I never knew it could be that fuckin' cool.

It was like takin' fuckin' peanut butter

and somehow making it better, you know what I'm sayin'?

Like if peanut butter is the best foodstuff on the planet,

could do anything, finding a way to improve it,

it was like taking peanut butter

and puttin' pussy all in it and shit,

and suddenly I was like, "Oh my God, this is the best.

"Why didn't anybody before?"

It was amazing.

We had such a good fuckin' time,

and when you cum, forget it.

Like, it's fuckin', it's nuts.

I thought I knew how to orgasm and shit.

I've been trainin' for years and whatnot

by myself and with a few others,

but this time, man, I was fuckin',

we were doin' it, and when I came,

fuckin' it was like it's ropy, it's ropy.

(audience laughs)

And I loved it and shit, and afterwards,

we were just sitin' there talkin' with each other.

There's no fuckin' like inhibitions.

I'm suddenly like Malcolm.

I was ready to take my shirt off and shit,

but I wasn't that stoned, I kept it on.

So I was just like, "Hey, man, let's go out and eat."

And she's like, "Yeah, but we can't drive."

I was like, "Fuck it, let's take cabs.

"Don't people take cabs?

"I've seen 'em do it in Sex and the City all the time."

And she's like, "Yeah, we can take a cab."

And we took a cab to this restaurant, Simon LA.

They got this platter there that I like.

It was a dessert platter.

I think it's called Circus Circus or some such shit.

Basically, it starts with like two bowls of cotton candy.

It's got homemade fuckin' Hostess lookin' cupcakes

with the design on the top.

You wash it down with a very thick chocolate milkshake.

Comes with fuckin' cookies, gingerbread men,

fuckin' rice crispy treats dipped in chocolate

and shit like that.

So we hit the restaurant, and I was like,

"We want two Circuses right now."

And instead of sittin' inside,

normally, we'd go sit inside and I'll look for a corner

and put my back against it and shit

'cause I always wanna see who's comin' in the room

like I'm Doc Holiday or some such shit,

and this time I didn't care.

She was like, "Wouldn't it be nice to sit outside?"

I was like, "Let's sit outside tonight."

And she was like, "You must be high."

I was like, "I am."

And we went outside and it was gorgeous fat plush couches

with big pillows on 'em and shit,

and I've been to that restaurant a lot

and I saw younger, thinner people on them in love,

hangin' on each other, being gross in public,

and I was like that's me tonight, and I threw her down,

we start makin' out on the fuckin' couch

and people in the restaurant are like, "Ew."

But I didn't give a shit 'cause we were real high.

We're eatin' our dessert

and feedin' each other shit and whatnot.

Had such a blast.

Took the cab back home,

have some of the best conversations we ever had.

We're like, "Don't you like shit?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I like shit!

"Don't you like shit?"

She's like, "We're amazing couple."

(audience laughs)

We get outta the fuckin' cab in front of our house

and I see a neighbor, dude who lives

across the street from us down the way a little bit,

pullin' his garbage to the curb and shit

and right next to the garbage, he has a porta potty

'cause they're doin' some work I guess in his house,

and I've never talked to these people,

but I'm stoned so I'm like,

"Let's talk to the neighbors, man.

"Like, don't you wanna meet the neighbors?"

She's like, "You sure you wanna meet 'em now?"

I was like, "Fuck yes.

"Let's go meet the neighbors."

So I'm like, "Hey, man."

The guy's like, "Jesus Christ!"

He's like, "Hey."

I was like, "Hey, man, how are ya?

"I'm Kevin Smith.

"This is Jennifer.

"We live across the street."

He's like, "I know, I've seen you before."

I was like, "This is great.

"When did you guys move in?"

He's like, "Four years ago."

And I was like, "Right on.

"I've never really seen you guys before, man."

Until now, another dude was comin' out and shit.

I thought it was his boyfriend.

We live in a pretty big gay-borhood

so there are lots of same sex couples around us and shit.

So when I saw the dude, I was like,

"Ah, it's another dude, dudes livin' together and shit."

He came out, he's like, "Hi."

And I was like, "Hey, name, I'm Kevin.

"This is my wife Jennifer.

"We were just talkin' to your guy here.

"We never knew you guys were living here for four years."

He's like, yeah, "Four years."

I was like, "You guys datin'?"

They're like (laughs nervously), "Kinda."

And I was like, "Yeah, that's awesome, man.

"We're dating kinda.

"We're married, but whatever."

(audience laughs)

I was like, "You got a porta potty here."

They're like, "Yeah, we're really sorry about that.

"We've been doin' some work."

I said, "Oh, don't fuckin' say it to me, dude.

"There's one time I guess before you guys lived here

"we had some shit, a flood in our house

"so we had a porta potty right in front

"of the fuckin' garage, so you and me,

"we're kinda like in the porta potty club, right?"

Dude's lookin' at his boyfriend like,

"This guy's stoned."

(audience laughs)

And he's like, "Yeah, we just have it

"'cause we're doing some work in the kitchen."

I was like, "Get outta here, in the kitchen?"

He's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

I was like, "Can I see it?"

And Jennifer looks at me like oh my God, what's happened?

'Cause I would never ask that question and shit

and he's like, "Uh, I guess, if you guys wanna come in."

I was like, "Fuckin' take us in, let's see the kitchen, man.

"This is gonna be awesome.

"Come on, Jen."

We go into the house and shit,

bring us through the front door,

and I'm touchin' everything

'cause I'm way tactile at this point.

I'm like, "Oo, the paint feels nice."

(audience laughs)

He brings us into the kitchen and shit

and he's just like, "Ah, this pretty much what we're doing,

"working on a counter for the middle of it and shit."

And Jennifer's rubbing the counter

and having her hands all over it and she goes,

"Oh, this is nice, what is this?"

And the guy goes, "Well, it's cherry wood."

And she goes, "Oo, cherry wood."

And that's when I snapped outta my stone,

like she harshed my buzz 'cause I'm like,

this bitch doesn't care about cherry wood.

Why is she sayin' that and what are we doing here?

What is this?

(audience laughs)

So it was like thank you and goodnight, and we left.

So I'd kinda gotten into it and I was like,

I like this, I like who I am when I'm on weed and shit,

and I said I'm 38, I'm an adult, I can make this choice,

I built a fuckin' empire

and now I just wanna smoke it away, you know,

like I think that would sound fun.

And I've never been a drinker or anything like that,

so suddenly I had myself a little vice

and one that made me feel good

and it made me toss away my cigarettes too

'cause I started smokin' so much weed

I just quit the require cigarettes.

Yeah, yeah.

(audience applauds)

That's how you do it.

Kids, that's how you get off cigarettes, smoke weed.

I don't recommend it for kids.

I tell my kid too, when I finally told her about weed,

I said, "Look, you're allowed

"to starting smokin' at age 38

"and when you do, it's gonna be amazing,

"but until then, be a good girl.

"Now hand daddy his bong."

(audience laughs)

So I just kinda got into it and I liked it

and I started sayin' like, you know what, man?

I'm gonna smoke like 6 o'clock every day.

That's gonna be the fuckin' reward that I give to myself.

Like, I'll work all day long and then at six,

like I'll kinda kick back and start smokin' and whatnot,

and then after about like a week of that,

I was like, why am I waitin' 'til 6 o'clock?

Like, I don't really have much goin' on right now.

Like, I can get my shit done about, I don't know, noon,

and then really get a good smoke on.

That'd be interesting.

So I started doin' that and whatnot,

and right around that time, Zack and Miri opened up.

Zack and Miri, we were kinda hopin' was gonna be

the first $100 million grossing movie that we made.

That's what everybody thought across the boards,

Miramax, well, The Weinstein Company rather, me most, Seth.

Everybody involved were just like, "This is it.

"You finally cracked the code (mumbles),

"your glass ceiling of $30 million bucks and shit."

And it was funny and we dug it and whatnot.

Couldn't wait for it to come out.

Came out October 31st.

Came out on Halloween,

which I thought was a cool date to put a movie out

'cause I was just like, nobody celebrates Halloween.

Only little kids do it

and little kids aren't comin' to the R-rated movies,

so all the adults will come to Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

I failed to realize adults also enjoy Halloween

and like to go out in droves and shit.

So what happened was morning the movie opens up,

we'd have this weak ass kind of campaign

in terms of like there was literally stick figures

on our poster for Seth and Elizabeth.

It was a tough sell.

The marketing was weird, and as much as,

networks wouldn't let us use the word porno before 9 o'clock

so some ads were like Zack and Miri

and some ads were Zack and Miri Make a Porno

and I was like, I'm not sayin' you're gonna create

confusion in the marketplace,

but my mom might go see a movie called Zack and Miri,

but she would never go see Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

That's a whole different movie,

and they're like, "Don't worry,

"we know what we're doin' and shit."

Movie opens up Saturday morning.

I didn't wanna know the grosses the day before.

You can find 'em out and shit over the phone,

but I didn't wanna find that out at all.

I just wanted to be surprised the next day and shit.

Saturday morning, I get up, go to the bathroom.

I come out of the bathroom and shit

and Jennifer's sittin' at her desk

about to open her computer.

She's like, "Did you look yet?"

And I was like, "No, I haven't looked yet."

She's like, "You mind if I look?"

I was like, "You can look.

"I'm gonna go grab my robe."

I went into the closet, grabbed my robe, come out,

bad pale white expression on her face,

and I was just like, "Uh, not good?"

She goes, "Do you wanna know?"

And I was like, "I mean, yeah, now kinda, I guess."

And so this is where time kinda slows down and shit.

Moments like this in your life, everything kinda slows down.

You remember it perfectly.

Everything was going on,

the dust in the air, blah, blah, blah.

I'm focused on my wife's mouth

as she's about to deliver the information

that I've been waiting a year to hear,

and she goes,

"Tah-oo,"

and I'm lookin' at her going, "Tah-oo."

What number begins with tuh?

(audience laughs)

20 million?

Like, did we open at $20 million bucks?

Oh holy shit, man, I movin' outta this fuckin' house today,

like this is amazing and shit,

but I was like, no, she never says two-wenty.

I've heard her say 20 plenty.

So many it's two-welve.

That's what she meant, it's two-welve and shit,

and I watch her mouth again and she goes,

"Oo,

"point," and then I was like, point?

Two point, so it's not 22 or 12, it's literally $2 million.

$2 million, you do the quick extrapolation in your math,

if it was two, two, and two

for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday,

it was gonna be six million.

That would be a horrible opening for a movie

that had Seth Rogen in it,

the guy from fuckin' Knocked Up and shit like that.

To put it in context, Clerks II opened at $10 million bucks

and it didn't have the guy from fuckin' Knocked Up in it.

So we were just like,

I'm sittin' there lookin' at that face and lips

and hearing the two point and I'm like, oh my God, man.

Well, cognitively refrain immediately,

save the village before it burns down.

The next number has to be a nine.

If it's a nine,

then we're gonna get close to $10 million maybe

and there's less fuckin' shame in that.

So I'm lookin' for a nine.

I'm playing Card Sharks at this point.

(audience laughs)

Is it higher than a nine?

And I'm watchin' her face and she goes,

"Two," and then she says two again

and I'm like, "Don't say two, say nine!"

And she couldn't do it.

It was $2.2 million on a Friday.

That meant if you extrapolate for that point,

if it stayed the exact same,

we would've made six to seven for the weekend.

That not good.

So right then and there I said,

"Dear, I'm going to my office to become a wake and baker."

And from that moment forward,

I didn't wait 'til noon and shit.

I would just wake up and be like,

(Kevin groans and inhales sharply)

that's better, you know.

(audience cheers)

And in waking baking,

one of the other things I did was lick my wounds.

The Zack and Miri thing hurt so fuckin' deeply.

I wanted Zack and Miri to make $10 million

like you fuckin' read about and it wasn't gonna do it.

It ultimately wound up doing doing Kevin Smith business,

which is like about 30, little over 30.

It was the highest grossing Kevin Smith movie of the time,

but it didn't quite do, and it took me a long time

to figure out what it was that crushed me about it,

why, why it bugged me and shit, and that's what I did.

I spent all my time in my library in my house

which used to be like the workout room

but we gave that up years ago.

(audience laughs)

And then we put DVDs in there and shit

and nobody ever went in there

and then I think it was on Zack and Miri in post

where I was like, "I'm gonna put the editing room in there.

"Does anybody care?"

And she was like, "No, it'll keep you in house" and shit.

So then I kinda left my editing gear in there

and then I started spending more time

and then the library became my office

and how it's set up is

we're on the second floor of my house.

Like, over here, this would be like my bedroom.

There's two rooms on that whole floor.

It was a master bedroom suite.

You go in the master bedroom suite, see a couch, windows.

Jen's usually on the couch, that's her spot.

I'm usually laying belly down on the bed

which is to her right up three steps, so that's our bedroom.

You go out our bedroom down here down the hallway,

there's a big picture of Mickey Mouse,

and then here, two doors

that bring you in to the fuckin' library

and I would go into the library,

just close the doors and just start smokin'

and searchin' for what the fuck it was

that was making me so distressed and whatnot,

and while I was doing that, I was finally locked away

in a room full of movies,

80% of which I probably haven't opened yet,

and I've been collecting these movies

for fuckin' years and shit.

I'd buy stacks of movies every week

and people always like, "Dude, seriously, Juwanna Man?"

And I'm like, "You never know, dude.

"One day I might get hit by a car

"and be stuck in a wheelchair like Stephen Hawkings

"and I'm gonna be able to watch any movie I want

"and if I wanna watch Juwanna Man,

"I want it to be right there" and shit like that.

So this was one of those times.

I hadn't gotten hitten by a car physically

but spiritually speaking, emotionally speaking,

I got hit by a big fuckin' car, I felt like.

So I was like it's time to kick back

and start watching some fuckin' stuff

that I've been storin' up for years and whatnot,

and one of the things I'd stored up

that I always wanted to watch was a miniseries

that the CBC did years ago and it was called

Hockey: A People's History,

and it was basically about

how Canada and hockey are so intertwined.

It was kinda like Ken Burns' Baseball but interesting.

(audience laughs)

If you like hockey, you know what I'm sayin'?

So I popped it in and I was watchin' it and shit

and kinda gettin' into it bit by bit

and suddenly I was gettin' back in touch

with a version of me that hadn't seen in a while,

the guy that really liked comics and had time for comics

and had time for hockey and shit,

and it was almost like I'd put it down 15 years ago

and suddenly picked it back up with this DVD

and suddenly I was kind of bitten

by not just the hockey bug in general

but like this world that was not my world.

I just didn't wanna talk about entertainment,

deal with entertainment.

Suddenly, the hockey world was a great place for me to go,

and during this miniseries,

they introduced Wayne Gretzky at a certain point.

Wayne Gretzky is the greatest hockey that ever lived,

considered by most.

(audience applauds)

Or at least the top fuckin' three.

So I thought I knew a thing or two about Gretzky

'cause I'd fuckin' seen some news reports

and shit like that, and being from Jersey,

what you know about Gretzky is like

he called us a Mickey Mouse organization,

the New Jersey Devils, back in like '82.

As you can tell, they're still fuckin' pissed about it.

(audience laughs)

So anyway, I didn't know much about him and shit

but I'm fuckin' stoned watching hockey DVDs and shit

and I'm watching Hockey: A People's History

and I'm just kinda sinkin' into 'em and whatnot

and they introduce not just Wayne

but they introduce his father, Walter Gretzky,

and Walter Gretzky just comes across

as like the sweetest, nicest old man

you'll ever meet and shit

and he's full of homespun fuckin' wisdom and whatnot.

So I don't know, for some reason,

I really gravitated toward it

and dude started talkin' about his kid

and in one of the things, he's going,

"When Wayne was a little boy,

"he would come and set his hockey equipment

"out on the floor in the kitchen before we'd go play games.

"I'd take him over to the game

"and one day I remember he was doing that,

"and this was in one of his last seasons

"with the Nadrofsky Steelers, and he goes, 'Dad,

"'there's a little boy on my team

"'who hasn't had a goal all year long

"'so tonight I'm gonna try to help him score a goal.'

"And that boy scored two goals that night."

And I was watchin' that going, get the fuck outta here, man.

Like, really, and I rewound the story

'cause I couldn't fuckin' believe it.

And he's, "That boy scored two goals that night."

And I was like wow, it just fuckin' blew my mind

because like it's not American, you know what I'm sayin'?

It's just not an American sentiment.

Like, the American version of that story would be like,

Dad, there's a little boy who hasn't scored any goals

all year for our team, so tonight me and the boys

are gonna beat with bricks.

(audience laughs and applauds)

Just put a bunch of bars of soap in a sock

so it doesn't leave a bruise, Dad,

and him 'em really fuckin' hard

and that'll teach 'em to fuckin' play.

You just didn't hear that.

Like, all of a sudden, there's a story

of this little fuckin' kid, man,

who is like so good at something

he was still thinking about other people and shit.

He was so touched and whatnot he was like,

"I'm gonna help this kid," and I was fuckin'

blow away by that, man.

I'm sittin' in my library fuckin' watchin' the fuckin' thing

and I was just like oh my God, man, that really happened?

I gotta tell, Jen.

So I get up and I fuckin' leave my office

and I go down the hallway

past the Mickey Mouse picture to the,

open the door and I jump into the room

and I was like, "Hey,"

and she's on the couch on her computer.

She's like, "Hey."

She looks back down.

I was like, "Did you know that when he was a little boy,

"Wayne Gretzky said that he was gonna help

"this teammate of his score a goal,

"hadn't scored all year, and he helped him

"fuckin' score two that night,"

and she goes, "Who the fuck is Wayne Gretzky?"

(audience laughs)

I'm like, "What are you talkin' about?

"Wayne Gretzky's the greatest hockey player

"that ever lived."

She's like, "So?"

And I was like, "Well, when he was a kid,

"he helped this guy score goals."

She's like, "And what does this have to do with us?"

And I said, "I'm not gonna sit here

"and listen to you run down Gretzky,"

and I slammed the door,

fuckin' went back to my office and shit.

I'm like, she doesn't fuckin' understand a goddamn thing.

Smoke another joint. (inhales)

Watch the fuckin' video and shit,

and Walter Gretzky keeps tellin' you shit about his son.

There's a point Wayne Gretzky, in case you don't know,

the most goals ever fuckin' scored in the history of hockey

belong to Wayne Gretzky, but to put it in layman's terms,

if you look at another record, it's far more impressive.

The scoring for scoring geniuses

is pretty typical and pretty easy,

particularly if you're a scoring genius like Wayne Gretzky.

What you look at is

the other side of his record, the assists.

Now an assist is when like I pass you the puck,

you put the puck in the net,

for those of you that don't follow.

Wayne Gretzky,

who is the greatest hockey player in the world,

has an obscene about of, who's got the exact number?

- [Audience Member] A lot.

- Thank you, a lot.

(audience laughs)

I wanna say it's 18 oh three, I could be wrong.

Huge fuckin' number of goals,

but when you look at his assist record,

it's almost, in fact, I think it's a little more

than double of his goal records, and what that speaks to

is the greatest scoring genius in the world

who can pretty much like walk up to a net

and just sneeze the puck into it.

Would basically get right up to the fuckin' line and shit

and then just pass it over to somebody else

and be like, "Go, go, do it, do it," and they did it,

and I was so fuckin' blown away by that.

I was like oh my God, could you imagine

being so fuckin' good at something

but lettin' somebody else,

that's so fuckin' generous of spirit.

I was like, I gotta go tell Jen,

and I went down the hallway

(audience laughs)

past the Mickey Mouse and I open up the door

and I was just like,

"Do you know Gretzky's fuckin' assist record

"is more than double of his fuckin' score record?"

And she was like, "That's nice, Kevin.

"What's an assist?"

And I was like, "An assist is when somebody passes the goal

"to somebody else to put in the net."

And then she was just like, "You're very interested

"in this young hockey player."

And I was like, "I don't think he's young.

"This shit happened 20 years ago."

(audience laughs)

And she's like, "I'm glad to see

"that you're into something and whatnot,

"but don't forget that we've got some dinner tonight

"to go out to with Harley."

And I was like, "We're going out to dinner?

"I'm watchin' this DVD."

And she's like, "Well, you can press pause."

And I was like, "You tryin' to take me away from Gretzky

"and it's not gonna happen."

Slam, you know.

(audience laughs)

Back down to my office, man, smoke another joint,

get deeper into the story of the Gretzkys and whatnot.

Walter Gretzky is Wayne Gretzky's almost his best friend,

biographer, beyond just father.

From a young age, we have footage of Wayne Gretzky skating,

like almost his first skate.

We have footage of his first goals.

He puts the puck between his grandmother's legs

as she sits on a Barcalounger and shit like that.

Walter Gretzky was always around,

handy with a camera or a Super 8

and capturing footage of his son all the time

so that now you can go back and look at it.

It's crazy, you can watch Wayne Gretzky's development

through his youth.

His father was his chronicler.

His biggest fan was the guy who was always there

taping him from the time he was a little sprout

all the way up to when he was playing in the NHL.

So I'm watchin' this thing, I'm like I love this, man.

This kinda shit amazes me, this is great.

Then everything gets somber 'cause they start talking

about Walter Gretzky had an aneurysm

and I was like no, no, no, not Walter Gretzky.

Where's that other joint?

I was getting really fuckin' centered for this,

and they start talking about Walter

had a massive aneurysm at one point,

kinda fell down at his mother's farm and whatnot

while she was taken care of, she's long past.

They got to him in enough time,

brought him to the hospital and were able to save

his life for the moment, but at the same time,

they didn't know how long

they were gonna be able to save him,

so they reached out to all the children and whatnot

and they were like, you gotta call Wayne Gretzky

as well as his brother, sisters, so you have to get back,

get back to Brantford now.

Everybody, the whole Gretzky family

comes back to Brantford and whatnot.

Walter is hangin' on by a fuckin' thread

and there's one guy on the whole planet

who could probably save him

and he's a doctor whose daughter had been murdered

so he gave up the practice,

but they reached out to him and he was like,

"For Canada's dad, I'll come back."

Comes back, saves Walter Gretzky's life,

and I'm just on the fuckin' edge of my seat, man.

I'm like oh thank God it all works out for the Gretzkys.

Then the fuckin' information hits,

which blows my fuckin' mind.

So he had the aneurysm and they saved his life

but when he came to, they started talkin' to Walter

and Walter starts speaking in a language

nobody really recognized, and so they brought his brother in

and his brother listened to him and he's like,

"He's talking about feeding the chickens.

"He's speaking Belarus.

"He's speaking like the language of our forefathers,

"of our grandparents when they came over,

"and he spoke a little when we were kids,

"but apparently he kind of reverted back in his head."

And they're like, wow, that's interesting.

We'll watch him closer.

It was a long period of development

to get him back into kind of fighting shape and whatnot.

Brain is nothing that you wanna treat very gently,

but what had happened was the aneurysm

wiped out about 20 years of Walter Gretzky's memories,

including and especially every amazing achievement

that his son had ever made.

So the man who was the greatest chronicler

and greatest fan of the greatest hockey in the world,

the one guy who gave a shit the most

can't remember a fuckin' thing,

and I'm watchin' this

and I'm about to cry

and I go, I gotta tell Jen, and I fuckin' open the thing,

past the Mickey Mouse, and I open up the door,

I'm like, "Oh God!

"He doesn't fuckin' remember!"

And she's like, "Who?

"Is the dog dead?"

And I was like,

"No, Walter Gretzky doesn't fuckin'

"remember anything about his son.

"He had an aneurysm and he lost it all."

And she goes, "Kevin, you are takin' this family

"way too seriously."

She's going, "I think one of two things has to happen.

"You have to shut the DVD player off

"or when you're watch the Gretzky stories,

"don't smoke weed."

And I was like, "You just hate Gretzky,"

and I slammed the door, fuckin' walked back.

But what I was doing in that room was trying to figure out

what had happened to me, and for some reason,

Wayne Gretzky made it kinda clear.

I don't know what it was.

It wasn't so much Wayne himself.

It wasn't so much, I guess maybe his accomplishments.

Maybe because it had nothing to do with what I do and shit,

but for some reason, there was something about that man

that fuckin' spoke to me and it was probably

this piece of advice that his father gave to him

that fuckin' struck me like a freight train.

When his father was training Wayne,

'cause his father was Wayne's first coach as well,

his father would take him out into a backyard ice ring

that he built himself right behind their house

for his son to sit there and play hockey on and shit

and he would say to his son, "Wayne, when you're playing,

"don't go where the puck is.

"You wanna go where the puck's gonna be."

And that was the one piece of advice

that put the greatest scoring genius the game has ever known

on the path to become a legend,

and I was like, that applies everywhere, man.

That ain't just a fuckin' hockey term

from some Canadian old man.

That can fuckin' apply to my life, man.

Like, don't be where the puck is.

Be where the puck's gonna be,

and I had been that guy for a long time.

When I was younger, I could where the puck was gonna be.

Clerks is where the puck was gonna be

so much so that I remember Owen Gleiberman,

the Entertainment Weekly goes, "Don't worry.

"In 10 years, this is what a sitcom's gonna look like,"

and he was right.

Like, now sitcoms are about as loose

as fuckin' Clerks and shit.

So I don't know, we were kinda used to,

I was used to kinda being up here

and then over time, things changed,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Like, yeah, I sat there and made those movies

while I was most creatively fallow.

I was in my parents' house and shit.

It's not like I wanted out,

but I was just like I wanna tell stories.

I didn't mind living in Highlands.

I love living with my parents, they paid the bills.

So I would just sit there and think about shit to write

and that's where fuckin' Clerks came from,

fuckin' Mall Rats, Chasing Amy, Dogma

all conceived in that womb on 21 Jackson Street,

but the problem is,

thank you. (audience applauds)

The problem is all that stuff, that's here.

That's here circa, say, '88 to '95, '96,

but I'm all the way now over here.

I mean, this is 40.

40 is much closer to the fuckin' crane than over there.

(audience laughs)

I'm so disconnected from the source

I couldn't write those movies again if you asked me to

because I'm 40 years old and I made a shit not change inside

and always be the same fuckin' person

but that shit goes away

because I don't like my life like that anymore

and I realize that's what the problem was

for me with Zack and Miri.

I love Zack and Miri but Zack and Miri's trying too hard

to be a Judd Apatow movie

and that was me going where the puck was

and I don't do that.

I go where the puck's gonna be and shit

and I realize oh my God, I gave up my game.

I slowed my game down because I wanted

the praise that Judd got because Judd got praise

for doin' the kinda movies I did

and I was like right on, man.

Judd has made the movies we do commercial.

You can make money off this shit now and whatnot,

and we went out there and it didn't happen.

I was fuckin' crushed and rightfully so

because I went about the wrong way.

That was me sittin' in a world where I'm like,

I hate every movie that's out there.

Nothing speaks to me.

I wanna make something that I recognize myself

and my friends in, you know what I'm sayin'?

That's where it came from.

(audience applauds)

It came from a pure place,

for lack of a better description,

and it's certainly not to say like whoever is pre-calculated

about making movies is a demon.

No, it's a business as well.

So people make shit

that people do wanna see purposely sometimes.

Some of us do it accidentally and shit.

Back in the day, I didn't make films,

you know what I'm sayin'?

I still kinda don't.

I'm a little bit more of a filmmaker now,

but back then I was not a filmmaker.

Lot of people online that tell me,

"You're no fuckin' filmmaker," and they were right.

They were dicks for saying it

but they were absolutely right.

I was no filmmaker.

I was this different breed, man, a hybrid and shit.

Film just seemed like the easiest way

to have the conversation more than anything else.

I wasn't like Lucas and Spielberg,

like I came outta the womb with a Super 8 camera in my hand.

I came outta the womb with a sandwich in my hand.

So for me, it takes more diligence

to like kind of concentrate

on being a quote-unquote "filmmaker"

and when I do, I become self-conscious of it

and I think the strings start to show.

The earlier stuff, there was no self-consciousness

because like we were all so earnest and trying and shit,

but I look at those movies now,

they don't look like films as much as they look like to me,

like Clerks looks like a $27,000 icebreaker.

That's what it seems like to me,

just the kinda thing where it's like,

"Hi, my name is Kevin Smith

"and I'd like to talk to you for the next 50 years."

And Clerks was the only way

to get the conversation started essentially.

Once I did that, we could start talkin'

and we would talk through the movies

and Mall Rats, we'll talk after the movies

or on the website and shit like that,

Chasing Amy, all these movies, they weren't just films.

They weren't films at all.

It was me ripping open my chest,

pullin' fatty chunks of my heart out,

and slapping it between two platter,

projectin' that shit and being like, do you get it?

And people would like, yes.

(audience applauds)

Now the problem with that though is,

it's not really problematic,

it's just like at a certain point that's gonna go away.

At a certain point.

Damn it.

You can't hold onto that forever.

I can't be 20 something all my life.

Some people go like,

"How come you won't do Chasing Amy again?

"Make another Chasing Amy."

It's like, "Bitch, I can't.

"You are lucky you got fuckin' one outta me, man."

But I can't make it 'cause I'm happy now.

Like, I looked at Zack and Miri and I was just like,

goddamnit, Zack and Miri is me pulling from my own past

to tell a story because I'm so disconnected

from the source at this point

because I'm almost, now I am a 40 year old man

and shit like that.

Back in the day, I could write that stuff

'cause I was that person, it just came from me,

but on Zack and Miri, I had to sit down

and calculate that thing.

I had to sit there and go like, okay,

what if I told the story of how we made Clerks

but make it a porno instead and at the end,

I fuck Scott, who's a girl?

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

That's not a pure place to make the movie from.

That's not the way I went about

any of the other ones and shit

and being stoned in that room in my office

and listenin' to Gretzky's story

and kinda figuring out that I'd lost my way

and I was nowhere near where the puck was going,

I was now playing catch up to a puck,

I turned off.

I was like that's it.

It's time to stop and recreate

and do something else and whatnot,

and I knew I didn't wanna write

'cause I knew if I wrote a script

right then at that point in time

that I would just sit there and be like,

this is a movie about a poor little fat boy

whose movie didn't make as much money as he wanted.

Just not an entertaining movie

when you think about it like that.

I tend to write very confessionally, pull from my life,

but at that moment, I realized

there wasn't much of a life to pull from anymore

in terms of trying to tell stories about slackers.

I don't know about like, come on, man,

the reality of like we can't pay our bills,

let's make a porno.

I haven't been unable to pay my bills in like 20 years.

I don't know anything about that kinda thing.

I watch Zack and Miri and I'm like,

you fucking slackers, get a job!

(audience laughs)

So for me, I was just like I don't wanna write anything

and in that moment, into that world all of a sudden came

the script for Cop Out.

It was called A Couple a Dicks back then

and it was sent to me by this dude Jeff Robinov,

who's the head of Warner Bros,

and Jeff and I hadn't been friends for a long time.

We had this really disastrous meeting once

at the Warner Bros office where I went in,

I was like, "I hear you wanna talk about comic book movies."

He's like, "I hear you wanna talk about comic book movies."

And I was like, "Uh, okay.

"You don't want to?"

He's like, "Don't you want to?"

And I was like, "Is Ashton Kutcher

"involved in this meeting?"

(audience laughs)

It was really weird.

It was an awkward meeting.

I left, I was like I don't ever

wanna work at that place again.

Dude made me feel weird and shit.

Years later, I guess I was at the stage at Comi-Con

with Zack Snyder and Apatow was up there

and Frank Miller and whatnot

and I guess the Warner Bros people,

it was Jeff Robinov particularly,

saw me doing a Q,A and thought I was kinda funny,

called my agent.

He was like, "Tell Kevin to come in for a meeting,"

and Phil was like, "He ain't goin' in, dude.

"You know he don't like you" and shit.

He's like, "Tell him it'll be worth his while.

"Come in for this meeting."

So I went in, I hadn't met with the dude

in like fuckin' eight years and shit like that,

and I first walked in, he goes,

"People have been asking me all week

"what I'm gonna do when I lose this job."

I was like, "Are you about to?"

He's like, "Maybe, 'cause I'm thinking of hiring you."

(audience laughs)

He's like, "People have been asking me

"what I'm gonna do after I'm done with this job

"what I'm gonna do and I tell 'em

"I'm gonna produce your talk show."

I was like, "I'm not gonna do a talk show."

He's going, "I know, that's why I say it."

(audience laughs)

He's going, "I think you're funny, man,

"and I think your sensibility could be,

"you could find a home for it here at Warner Bros."

And I was like, "Well, you should probably see

"some of the shit I'm doing now,"

and it was Zack and Miri

and I kinda showed him Zack and Miri and he loved it.

He was just like, "Oh my God, you actually know

"what to do with a camera now.

"Like, you know how to film make.

"For years, you just kind of did those movies

"where people are like, I like dick and Star Wars."

(audience laughs)

He's like, "But now you can actually make a fuckin' movie,

"put it all together and shit like that."

So I said, "Yeah, it's good to know.

"We'll figure out, see if we could something."

I left, it was a good meeting for once and shit,

and then there was a script came across my desk,

it was a script for A Couple a Dicks.

It was written by the Cullen brothers, C-U-L-L-E-N,

and I had worked with them on Man Child,

a pilot that we had done for Showtime years before,

totally good guys, and they were writers,

comedy writes particularly,

but they'd never sent me anything before

and I thought they sent it to me to like,

"Hey, man, what do you think?

"Is this funny or something like that?"

So I didn't get to it right away.

I just kinda put it on a pile,

and then Jeff Robinov had kinda called me up

I guess like three weeks later

and he was just like, "Hey, man,

"did you ever read that script I sent you?"

And I was like, "What script?"

He's like, "Couple a Dicks."

I said, "You sent that script?"

And he said, "Yeah."

I said, "Why do you want me to read it?

"You want me to be in it?"

And he goes, "No, I don't want you to be in it."

And I was like, "Do you want me to rewrite it

"or something like that?"

I said, "I don't really do that anymore."

He goes, "No, I don't want you to rewrite it."

And I was like, "You want me to work craft service

"on the movie?"

And he goes, "I think it's really funny

"that fuckin' three guesses in

"you still haven't guessed your own trade."

(audience laughs)

And I was like, "You want me to direct?"

He's going, "We're thinking about it.

"We think you might be good for this."

I was like, "Oh, dude, nobody ever asked me

"to direct scripts that I don't write.

"I mean, they used to,

"but I just say no and shit like that,

"and I could barely direct the ones I do write.

"Why do you wanna put me in charge of that I didn't?"

He's going, "I think it's time.

"I've seen Zack and Miri.

"I think it's ready to go.

"Why don't you read the script, tell me what you think?"

And I read script, it made me laugh,

I thought it was really funny and shit.

I read it with an eye toward directing and whatnot.

I was like wow, I could pull this off.

It's pretty simple.

There's like three tent pole moments,

but other than that, it's two dude talkin' to each other.

I do that very well, you know.

So I was like, that's why they like me.

They want me to do the buddy cop thing

'cause I can do buddy comedy and whatnot.

So I called them up and I was just like,

"You know what, dude?

"Normally, I say no to shit like this,

"but I'm tired of saying no to like cool things.

"I've said no to a lot of cool things

"that had been thrown my way over the years

"because I'm like I don't do that.

"I just write my own shit."

And I was just like, "This is something

"that I would be into doing, man."

Like, the nothing, like if I had fuckin' went back

and told myself, my younger version of myself,

16 year old Kevin Smith,

I come in a time machine, 38, 39 year old Kevin Smith,

and I'm like, "Hey, motherfucker,

"I see you're watching Moonlighting

"with Bruce Willis right now.

"One day, you're gonna direct David Addison in a movie.

"How 'bout that?"

And I think the younger version of me would be like,

"How the fuck did we get so fat?

(audience laughs)

"They ain't got no exercise in the future?"

I was like, "Shut up, man.

"Don't be one of those fuckin' people."

But it just seemed like a really kind of exciting thing,

like I would've loved this when I was a kid.

So you know what?

I'm gonna think about doing,

the other thing that really struck me about it,

the kinda movie my father took me to all the time.

My father was huge at play in the decision.

I was like God, he took me to see Lethal Weapon.

He took me to see fuckin' Beverly Hill Cop.

He took me to see Running Scared.

He even took me to see Freebie and the Bean.

Like, my father took me to see

a lot of fuckin' buddy cop movies and shit

so I was like, you know what?

He would like this.

This'll be a total dad movie,

'cause my dad for years would watch my stuff

and not quite get it.

It wasn't really geared for him,

but he could see Cop, while A Couple a Dicks

it was called at the time, or Cop Out as it became,

he could see that and be like,

oh, you do make movies for a living.

I just thought it was you and your friends

talkin' about Star Wars and gettin' laid and shit like that,

but apparently you know how to fuckin' tell a story.

There are guns in it, Kevin, congratulations.

(audience laughs)

So I said, right on, I'm gonna be into it,

and at the time that they brought me into the picture,

there were two other guys in the lead.

Marky Mark and Will Ferrell were supposed to play the leads,

and the budget, it was a huge movie.

That's true, Marky Mark, the underwear model,

and Will Ferrell, Marshal Willenholly.

So I was just like right on, I could totally do that.

I like Will, Will's fun to be around and shit.

$75 million dollar movie

and they were havin' some budget problems

because I guess the boys, Will and Mark,

wanted to get paid what they're worth,

their salary, some shit like this,

some very large salary that Warner Bros at the time

were like, look, we don't do R-rated comedies.

We don't wanna spend that much money.

Can you kinda take the risk with us?

'Cause they hadn't made The Hangover yet.

Hangover's the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time,

which Warner Bros did put out,

but that was about six months

after we started makin' the movie.

So at this time, they're a little reticent.

They're like, "I don't know.

"$75 million, can't you guys lower your fees?"

And they were like, "No,"

and as happens with many movie deals,

the two parties reached an impasse.

Mark and Will went across the street to Sony

and pitched a completely different buddy cop movie

called The Other Guys, and Sony was like, "Okay,"

and it gave 'em $90 million to make that movie.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I thought

once those two dudes left, the fuckin' thing

would just fall apart and shit like that,

and Jeff Robinov was like, "You still want in?"

And I said, "Yeah, man, you still gonna make this movie?"

He's like, "I think so.

"Give us a couple days.

"I think we got other ideas and shit, if you're still in."

I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

So then I get a call.

Somebody goes, "What do ya think about Bruce Willis?"

And I dropped the mic and shit like that.

I was like, "Bruce Willis, I was just in fuckin'

"Live Free or Die Hard with Bruce, I love Bruce Willis!

"Oh my God, he's from Jersey too, did you know that?"

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we know.

(audience laughs)

They're like, "We're thinkin' about

"Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan."

I was like, "I worked with that motherfucker too!

"Oh my God, this is a match made it heaven.

"I could totally do this and shit."

And they're like, "All right, right on, you're feelin' it?"

I said, "I'm totally feelin' it."

"You're gonna sign on?"

I said yeah.

They're like, "We're gonna lower the budget."

I was like, "Great, 'cause $75 million scares me."

I said, "Look, man, gimme $10 bucks, I'll pull it off."

He's going, "No, we're just gonna bring the budget down,

"do it for like 35, something like that."

I was like, "That's cool, dude.

"Believe me, less money the better."

I said, "I've read that scripts, not that complicated.

"We don't need that much money and shit like that."

He's like, "That means there's not gonna be

"a lot of money for directorial salary."

And I was just like, "You know what, dude?

"The way you're treatin' me and shit,"

like honestly, this dude Jeff Robinov,

I was at a low point and shit, he literally reached out

and pulled me outta the fuckin' water, man.

Like, and this was a dude who didn't have to

'cause like I had went out in the press

and said shit about him,

called him a balding clock puncher and shit like that.

(audience laughs)

I was a real prick about it,

and that dude, if I'm that dude, if I'm Jeff Robinov

and I'm like, oh, Kevin Smith is hurt over Zack and Miri?

Good, shoot him in the ass with a poison dart.

But this dude didn't.

He was literally like, "Come on, man.

"Come up here, man, I'm gonna brush you off,"

and real Christian thing to do and shit.

I was like, "Are you Walter Gretzky?"

But he wasn't.

(audience laughs)

He was like, "There's not gonna be

"a lot of money for a salary."

I said, "Dude, honestly, I would've done this movie

"fuckin' free for nothing."

He was like, "Don't tell me that."

And I was like, "Yeah, all right,

"well, technically speaking."

So basically, I was gonna have to take a salary cut.

It was about 80% from my last movie

but, again, didn't care.

Just wanted to do it.

Just wanted to make the movie with Bruce Willis

and then it became a point of pride

about like let's keep the budget down and shit,

'cause I was like, I don't wanna make the $75 million.

I wanna show to these cats that I know

how to work with a studio system.

I could play nice and shit

'cause indie film was dying, you know what I'm sayin'?

Indie film was like krypton about to explode and shit.

I threw myself on a little rock.

It took off to Warner Bros

where under Warner Bros' yellow sun, I became super strong.

(audience laughs)

So anyway, I was just like,

I wanted to show 'em that I could totally, you know,

like, hey, man, I don't need your money.

Keep your fuckin' money and blah, blah, blah and shit.

Took an 80% pay cut and shit 'cause I believed

in doin' the Bruce Willis movie,

wanted to in a big bad fuckin' way and shit

'cause somewhere in the world in heaven or whatever,

my father would be like, all right, right on,

he's worked with fuckin' Bruce Willis.

It's official, he's a fuckin' filmmaker, blah, blah, blah.

So I signed on for it and whatnot and went to work

and it was a different experience

in as much as I'm used to makin' movies a certain kinda way,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Like, in my world, I walk onto a set

and be like, "Affleck, put that dick in your mouth."

(audience laughs)

And Affleck is like, "Okay."

Chows down and shit like that

and doesn't really think to question it

because he's just like,

well, Kevin's been right so many times before,

except Jersey Girl.

But there's a trust there 'cause we've been together

and he knows that I would never make him look like a fuck.

I'm gonna make him look good.

It behooves me to make him look good for my movie and shit.

So I'm used to that kinda shorthand with people,

and I walked onto the set of A Couple a Dicks

to direct Bruce and Tracy for the first time,

and we didn't have much rehearsal time

and I knew Bruce from workin' on Live Free or Die Hard.

He had to approve me as the director and he did

and I was so excited.

I was like, "He remembers me," and shit like that,

and we saw each other on a pre-shoot day

before we did the shoot proper,

just doin' camera test and whatnot,

him and Tracy just kinda sittin' in a car.

So at one point, I'm leaning against the building

between shots and he comes over and he's like,

"You feelin' good about the movie?"

I was like, "Yeah, I am.

"I am feelin' good about the movie."

He's like, "Yeah, I'm feelin' good."

He was like, "I was just on a stage

"singin' with the Allman Brothers the other night."

I was like, "Get outta here, man.

"I don't know what that has to do

"with what we were talkin' about,

"but good for you, man.

"That's pretty fuckin' impressive and shit."

He's like, "Yeah."

I was like, "You still like singin' a lot?"

He was like, "Love it, love it."

I was like, "Right on."

I was like, "You know what, man?

"Like in a couple weeks into the show,

"I'm gonna be playin' at Carnegie Hall, dude."

So I do Q,A and shit.

"How 'bout you like come and play?

"Like I'll open for you and we'll close the show

"with fuckin' you doin' like Respect Yourself

"or something like that."

And Bruce like slowly turns his head and looks at me

and he's just like, "What the fuck

"are you gonna be doing at Carnegie Hall?"

(audience laughs)

And right then and there I shoulda known it.

I shoulda known like this dude,

he don't know a thing about me.

I assumed he did and shit,

but he didn't fuckin' know a thing.

I tried to explain it, and he was like,

"You're gonna what?

"You're talking there?

"You just talk.

"Yeah, I don't know, good luck with that, Kev."

I was like, "Okay, thanks, Bruce."

Went over, talk to Dave Klein, he's like,

"What'd he say, he's gonna do Carnegie Hall?"

I was like, "Ah, he's thinkin' about it."

(audience laughs)

Next day is the first day of the shoot.

Very easy, it's a diner scene.

Bruce and Tracy are sitting at a table at a diner

across from one another.

If I can do anything in this world,

it's shoot two dudes at a diner.

(audience laughs)

So we're gettin' all set up and whatnot

and how I like to direct generally speaking

is I don't get in there and fuckin' like, hey, man.

There are people into the artsy-fartsy of it and shit.

I like to think we're all professionals.

You know what you're doin'.

I'll tell you if you're way off the path and shit.

Other directors do it directly.

Other directors like to be kind of in the moment

or of the essence or make it seem

like the great and powerful Oz created it and all,

where they're like, "In this scene, you are an antelope

"and all these people are lions,

"but they don't know that you're an antelope.

"Act."

(audience laughs)

And I can't do that.

It just makes me feel corny and shit.

I try too, like I try in emotional scenes to be like,

"In this scene, the true,

"ah, fuck it, just pretend to cry, all right, okay, go."

(audience laughs)

So I generally like to let actors kinda go for a take or two

and then get in and make tweaks.

That's really my job is just to tweak, I feel,

particularly when the movie's called A Couple a Dicks,

you know what I'm sayin'?

It's not like, "Hey, man, get to the soul-searing truth

"of this scene, will ya?"

It's like we're makin' a comedy and shit.

Boys do their take and I watch 'em do the take

and it's totally fine, funny stuff in it,

but not quite what I was lookin' for in some areas and shit.

So I'm like, you know what, let's roll one more.

Let's go again real quick.

Do another take and shit

and like eh, it just needs some tweakin'

and that's when I get up

and decide to direct and shit and saunter over.

I'm like, "All right, man, Trace, that was awesome.

"It was really funny.

"The thing you said about the kangaroo,

"fuckin' kicked my ass, that was really, really funny.

"What I want you to do on this take is

"do the kangaroo thing but after you said it, go, 'What?'

"Like that, that thing you did, do the what thing,

"and then cap the whole thing with that look to Bruce,

"the cute look after he says his thing, man, right on.

"We do that, we'll be good to go."

Move over to Bruce, I'm like, "What's up, boss?

"That was fuckin' excellent, that was great.

"We're gonna go one more.

"You heard the things I was tellin' Tracy.

"Do me a favor, on your side, what I want you to change

"is that when you say that thing about Obama,

"you just gotta be like, 'Stop it,' like that.

"Like, say, 'Stop it,' and then you wanna,

"basically when Tracy's talkin' to the kangaroo,

"you wanna come around

"and give 'em that Bruce Willis fuckin' look like,

"'what are you, some kinda idiot?'

"Kinda like the one you're givin' me right now.

"Yes, that's it.

(audience laughs)

"We do that, man, we're totally good to go."

And he's just like, "Okay, Kev, go back to the monitor."

I was like, "All right, man, guys, good take and shit."

Go back to the monitor and sit down,

watch on the little monitor, "Action."

They do it again.

Tracy does his with his corrections and whatnot.

Bruce does the same exact take as the previous take,

and I'm watchin' it going, he didn't do that.

He didn't do that look.

He didn't do anything.

I was like, "Huh, all right, cut."

I was like, "Michael," Michael Pitt's the AD,

"Michael, we're gonna go one more," and shit.

So I go over to the boys.

I'm like, "Tracy, man, that was awesome.

"The kangaroo thing fuckin' totally works.

"If you wanna dial it up a notch, that's totally cool,

"but don't forget to give 'em

"the what at the end of the thing.

"Excellent.

"Bruce, it was great, it was so good.

"It was exactly like the first take."

(audience laughs)

I said, "Don't forget like when he does that thing,

"don't forget to come with the face

"and don't forget to say the thing

"after the Obama thing and whatnot."

And he's like, "Right, you're right, the Obama thing.

"Okay, go back to the monitor, Kev."

I was like, "I will, good luck, guys."

Go back to the fuckin' monitor and shit, sit down,

"Action," they start it, Tracy does his,

Bruce goes again, same exact performance,

and I was like, what the fuck, man?

Like, is he fuckin' deaf?

Like, how did he not hear it?

And I get up to head over

and that's when Bruce does the Bruce Willis turn

to look at me.

(audience laughs)

And it stopped me cold

right in my fuckin' tracks.

That dude shot me the Willis and I got the willies

(audience laughs)

and he communicated in that look,

if you come over here one more time, you fat fuck,

and try to tell Bruce Willis how to act like Bruce Willis,

I'ma put my foot up your fuckin' ass.

Yipee ki-yay, get outta here.

(audience applauds)

That's what I saw

basically in that expression,

and so I sat myself back down and whatnot

and kinda kept a kinda bead on it.

I was just like, I don't know, man.

Bruce seems kinda irritated with me and shit,

and he was irritated with me.

I don't think at the end of the day

Bruce liked me very much

and I think by the end of day one,

he was like, oh, this guy's an idiot.

He started to get kinda scared and shit like that

and it was kinda to reach him

because he had a very definite way

that he wants to make the movies, you know what I'm sayin'?

And here's the thing.

You hire Bruce Willis to play a cop in a comedy,

you are kinda playin'

with a John McClane archetype of sorts.

You're hiring the original fuckin' super cop.

So this dude is like, I have to essentially play

not only a character but always be thinkin'

about playing myself in the back of my head,

particularly in a movie like this

where you're kinda playin' off my image.

Because of that, he was much involved

in the making of the movie than any other actor

I'd ever dealt with before.

Like, Bruce would come in.

You give out sides on a movie set.

Basically, it's a miniature version of the script,

about five, seven pages,

whatever you're shooting that day on set.

Actors use it to memorize their lines.

Everybody has set so that when you're workin' on it

on the day of the show, you're like,

what's that line after this next one?

Anybody can pull it out and be like here it is

and give you your sides.

So I walk up and Bruce is standin' there

and I had my sides in my hand.

It was a day we're about to begin shootin',

maybe second day, third day.

He goes, "What are we doin' today?"

And I was like, "Well, here are the pages.

"I mean, we're doing scene two and eight and shit."

And he goes, "Okay," takes the pages outta my hand.

He goes, reads, "Chuffa," rips a page, throws it away.

And I was like, oh, what?

He reads the next.

"Chuffa." (imitates page tearing)

"Chuffa." (imitates page tearing)

"Chuffa." (imitates page tearing)

He rips four pages out of the sides

and then hands it back to me and he goes,

"This is what we're shootin' today."

And I go, "Okay.

"It's just that we were prepared for like seven pages."

He was going, "But what's the point

"of shootin' all this shit?"

"It's chuffa."

And I said, "You keep sayin' that, boss.

"What is chuffa exactly?"

"It's chuffa, man, it's fuckin' chuffa.

"Chuffa is chuffa."

And I was like, "I don't what that means.

"What is the chuffa part?"

He's like, "Chuffa, you know what chuffa is?"

I was like, "No."

He's like, "Chuffa, dude, chuffa is like

"just bullshit in a script, shit that just kills time.

"It's like when you walk into a room and you're like,

"Oh, that's a real cute dog.

"Hey, where'd that picture come in?

"All right, where's the bomb, motherfucker?"

He's like, "Just get to the fuckin' bomb line,

"never mind the chuffa."

And I was like, "Really?"

He's like, "Kev, how long I been makin' movies?"

I was like, "25 years."

He's going, "How long you been makin' 'em?"

I was like, "15."

He's like, "I know."

I was like, "All right, all right, fair enough."

And it helped me in the editing room as well

because suddenly I didn't have nearly as much to cut

at the end of the day, but more importantly,

it made everybody on set happy

'cause we'd get there at 6 o'clock

and we're like it's 11 o'clock, we're done for the day.

We just ran outta material to shoot,

thanks to old captain chuffa over there,

and the poor writers, Rob and Mark sit off to the side

tears rolling down their cheeks,

like the Native American sees you litterin' and shit.

(audience laughs)

We didn't think it was chuffa.

But you don't argue with fuckin' Bruce Willis and shit.

I was like, "BW said it's chuffa, it's fuckin' chuffa."

He was that guy, man.

He would do weird shit too.

If you've seen the movie,

and by now some of you have and shit,

he talks, in the movie a few times,

he talks about, "I want my baseball card,

"Ava, my daughter's wedding."

Those are his three beats

that his character always hits throughout the movie.

"I want my baseball card, Ava, my daughter's wedding."

He says it a lot and shit throughout the flick.

So we shot the scene where he says it.

There's one scene in the movie

where he actually had those lines and shit.

We shot it, beautiful, he executed it very well and whatnot.

We were done.

Next day, we're on a completely different set

doin' a completely different scene

and outta nowhere Bruce goes, "I want my baseball card,

"Ava, my daughter," and he's talkin' to Tracy,

and I'm like, "Um, this isn't in the script, man.

"Do I say something?

"Like, those are lines from yesterday.

"Like, how old is this motherfucker?

(audience laughs)

"Is he is fuckin' flashin' mad or like does he not know?"

But I'm scared of Bruce Willis

so I'm not gonna come over and approach him

and talk about it and shit.

I'm just like, well, he did that.

Let's just let it ride and shit.

Next day, completely different scene

involving completely different actors,

Bruce being the only same actor in the place.

Doin' the scene, everything's fine.

Outta nowhere, he's like, "I want my baseball card,

"Ava, my daughter," and I was just like, what the fuck?

Does he not know that we shot that already?

How many times does he want the baseball card

and Ava, his daughter?

And what I realized when I was in the editing room

is this is what Bruce decided.

Bruce has made many movies like this

and over the course of making those movies,

Bruce has made a study of the things

that make the cut and the things that don't make the cut.

So Bruce said, he essentially felt like

the scene where he originally said,

"I want my baseball card, Ava, my daughter,"

would probably hit the cutting room floor,

probably wouldn't make the final edit,

so that would necessitate us to go reshoot those lines

because they exist in a scene

that wouldn't be in the movie anymore.

So just to cover our asses, Bruce said it

in every scene of the movie

(audience laughs and applauds)

to give me some choices, you know,

for all the ones he took away earlier,

and in that way, he was very much like

my co-editor on the movie.

He was kinda help to shape and whatnot

and I coulda used this op as a co-cinematographer

because obviously that's not my strong suit.

Everybody knows I don't really give

much thought to the visuals.

I do a little bit more now,

but back in the day particularly not at all.

I was just like, "What's it sound like?"

I was just waitin' for podcast to be invented apparently.

We're on set and whatnot, we're doin' a sequence.

It had rained a lot in New York all the time

where we were shootin' A Couple a Dicks and shit like that.

So I was just like, "God, we can't,"

there's this one drive around sequence

with Bruce and Tracy and Seann William Scott in the backseat

and we're not gonna be able to do it

on the fuckin' very rainy streets

of Brooklyn this summer and shit.

Finally, we threw in the towel,

said we'll just do it on a sound stage,

which was weird.

We went all the way to New York to shoot New York

and then we went to a sound stage and a blue screen

to shoot this driving shit.

So we put the boys there in this kinda makeshift half car

and put the blue screens around 'em and shit

and we do the first master through the windshield,

three of 'em, three shot and shit,

one of my favorite shots in the world,

and that's all done and whatnot and we break down

and when you shoot set ups, you'll shoot like that,

that's the wide, and then you start breakin'

into the smaller set ups, the coverage

where we're gonna shoot this guy, this guy, this guy,

then this angle, this angle, shit like that.

So naturally since Bruce is Bruce,

you shoot Bruce first and shit.

Bruce is a movie star and whatnot.

So was I just like, "Okay, that's gonna be it.

"We're gonna into Bruce first, Dave,"

Dave's the DP, and Dave's like, "Of course.

"We're gonna shoot Bruce."

He was like, "Right on."

So go over to the car and I was like,

"Hey, boss, that was great.

"We just gonna break into the coverage now.

"We're gonna do your close up, do one of these."

And he goes, "What lens you usin'?"

(audience laughs)

And I go, "The one that does this to you."

And he's like, "What is that?"

And I was just like, "Well, that's the letterbox.

"This is the top of the screen,

"this is the bottom of the screen,

"and this is your head in the screen.

"So I'm kinda buildin' for you what it's gonna look like

"and the shot's gonna look like this."

And he goes, "Kev, I enjoy pantomimes

"as much as the next guy.

"You got tell me what you're talkin' about, man."

And I was just like, "It's the lens, it's the shot."

He goes, "What lens number, Kevin?"

I was like, "Um, hold on."

I go, "Dave," Dave's my DP.

He goes, "Yeah?"

I go, "What lens we gonna shoot Bruce in?"

And Dave goes, "Show me your hands."

And I go.

(audience laughs)

And Dave goes, "50," and I go, "Thank you, Dave."

And I go, "We're shootin' you on a 50, Bruce."

Now Bruce was lookin' at me, but then he looked away

just so he could come back with that fuckin'.

(audience laughs and applauds)

He literally fuckin' turned around,

dropped a McClane on me and shit like that,

and he was just like, "Why did you just ask Dave

"what lens you are using?"

And I was like, "What?"

'Cause I showed him my hands.

And he goes, "Yeah, why?"

And I was like, "Well, 'cause he knew the lens."

He goes, "You don't?"

And I go, "No."

I said, "I don't really know my lens, boss.

"It's a big thing in this business.

"Everyone knows I'm kind of an idiot

"when it comes that thing.

"I'm not so much a filmmaker

"as much the clown prince of filmmaking,"

and he's like, "I'm startin' to fuckin' agree with that."

He's like, "What do you mean you don't know the lens?"

I was like, "I don't, I never bothered to learn my lens."

He's like, "Why not?"

And I was like, "I don't know."

And he's going, "But I just don't understand this, Kevin.

"You're a fuckin' director, man.

"You have two jobs, knowing the lens is one of 'em."

I was like, "I know, man, I just never learned the lens

"because I show Dave my hands and he just,

"he just picks based upon

"how far apart my hands are, Bruce."

And he's like, "Stop crying."

I was like, "I will."

(audience laughs)

He's like, "Do me a favor.

"Don't ever tell anybody in this business

"that you don't know your lens, man.

"Directors are supposed to know their lenses."

And I was like, "All right, all right.

"Are you feelin' okay,

"feelin' confident enough to shoot the scene?"

He's like, "Yeah, Kevin, I know what lens is on there.

"Go back to your seat."

I was like, "Okay," and I went, you know.

Went back to my seat, sat down, Dave Klein came over.

He's going, "Was he just yelling at you again?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Was it because you don't know your lens?"

I said, "Yeah.

"You were right, I shoulda learned 'em a long time ago."

It was weird, it was just a different breed of cat,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Like, I was used to dealing with friends

and people I'd worked with for years and shit.

Bruce was completely different and I realized what it was.

I had never worked a true movie star before.

Please don't tell Ben Affleck I said that.

(audience laughs and applauds)

Bruce was a true movie star.

Bruce has been around in this business

a quarter of a century.

He has longevity on his side,

something a lot of people don't have in that business.

People are short-timers, man.

Like, back in the day, Cary Grant would live on

for like 20 fuckin', 30 years and shit like that.

Now the attention span is very, very short

and people want fuckin', replace it.

We want somebody else.

Like, here's Matt McConaughey, fuck him.

All right, he's Ben and Matt, fuck them.

All right, here's the next guys.

They replace people very quickly now.

So it's impressive that Bruce is still stickin' around,

you know what I'm sayin'?

'Cause Bruce's contemporaries haven't fared nearly as well.

Bruce was the king of the fuckin' 80s.

In 1985, boom, he fuckin' exploded in Die Hard.

He had already kind of exploded in a smaller way

on TV with Moonlighting,

but fuckin' Die Hard exploded his shit big time,

and he was like contemporaries with fuckin' people like

who don't work anymore, you know what I'm sayin'?

Like, Bruce puts out two or three movies a year.

Some cats he came up with,

his partners in planet Hollywood.

Like Sylvester Stallone is desperately

trying to bring the 80s back with this last three.

It was Rocky, Rambo, and he may do it with The Expendables.

He's gettin' real fuckin' close,

but so far he hasn't enjoyed the success

that he enjoyed in the 80s.

Arnold Schwarzenegger,

I don't even know what he does anymore.

(audience laughs and applauds)

I haven't seen that motherfucker in a movie for years.

Clearly he's outta the business.

And then there are other people like Steven Segal,

like people who came after Bruce.

Steven Seagal was driving down fuckin' Sunset Boulevard

in Los Angeles months back and I look up

and I saw a billboard that had Steven Seagal in it

and I was like, did it just hit the flux capacitor?

(audience laughs)

And go back in time?

Who has a fuckin' Steven Seagal billboard up?

And it was for the TV show, Steven Seagal: Lawman and shit.

They're like this time it's real,

and apparently they took Steven Seagal,

who's an action movie star, and deputized him,

put him in charge of a town and shit,

and he was like, "Stop jaywalkin'.

(audience laughs)

"Or I'll karate chop."

It was just like so he had moved on

to like reality Tv and shit.

Bruce, still workin'.

Bruce, three movies easily a year,

sometimes two, usually three.

Bruce is the last man standing,

which is weird 'cause he was in a movie called that.

He's been around for fuckin' years

and he has longevity on his side

and he's used to fuckin' people being told yes

and he's used to being scared of him

and I became scared of him very fuckin' quickly.

He's used to professionals and I'm not quite

the professional he's used to workin' with.

I'm the guy that's just like,

"Bruce, do you like pussy?

(audience laughs)

"Me too!"

So it was weird.

It was a weird kind of environment

and vibe on the set and shit like that,

and for the longest time, I was just like,

I really honestly don't feel

this motherfucker likes me at all and shit like that

and I remember there was only like one time

in the whole show, it was kinda toward the end,

where he started vibing on me and feelin'

like, ah, maybe Kevin thinks I don't think him

or some shit like and it was this sequence

where we were doing, what was it?

Tracy and Bruce in the motel room

and Tracy's just looked at this nanny cam

and he thinks his wife's cheatin' on him and shit.

Bruce comes in, they share some words,

and I essentially wanted Bruce

to kinda be there for him in this way.

I was kinda hopin' he would do and shit.

They did the scene once, totally fine.

Bruce was great, Tracy's great,

but it was missin' the thing

that I was kinda lookin' for and shit like that.

So I'm like, "Let's go again."

Do another take, still not there.

Do another take, we're on about the fifth take,

and I'm so terrified of fuckin' Bruce

I just won't go over and ask him to do shit.

Like, back in the day, that's what I do.

Five takes, like I'd pull Jason Lee aside,

be like smack, smack, do it right!

And put him back out there.

(audience laughs)

But I couldn't with Bruce.

I was hopin' it would just lucked into it,

that maybe he would just kind of accidentally

do the performance I was lookin' for,

and I was just lookin' for one specific delivery

on one of his lines and shit,

and it comes to about the fifth day and we wrap it

and Michael Pitt, the AD, turns me and he's just like,

"You wanna check the gate or you wanna do another one?"

Checkin' the gate means we look inside,

make sure there's no shmutz.

If there's no shmutz, we go on to the next set up.

If there's shmutz, we have to reshoot that

just in case the hair is in the gate of the film

and it fucks up the film and shit.

So I'm like, God, do we wanna go again?

'Cause I'm not gonna go over there

and fuckin' ask him for what I want

and if he's not gettin' there, it's never gonna happen.

I was like, "You know what, Michael?

"Check the gate, we're good, I got what I needed."

He's like, "You sure?"

I was like, "Totally, totally, go check the gate."

So Mike is like, "Check the gate, movin' on."

They go, start the new set up,

and I'm sittin' behind the monitor and whatnot

and Adam Siegel, one of the producers on the movie,

great guy, sittin' right next to me and shit.

I'm in my chair, I was just sighin'.

He's like, "What's the matter?"

I was like, "I don't know.

"I just feel like,

"you know what, Adam?

"Hold on one second," and I go, "Michael."

"Hold the flag on the plate.

"We might go one more.

"Let me talk to the boss."

And he goes, "Yeah."

I was like, "Yeah, hold on."

Went over to look for Bruce

and Bruce was leaning a wall of the set

just being cool, you know.

Just hangin' out and shit like that

and fuckin' lookin' imposing as all hell and whatnot

and I saw him from a distance and I waited a few minutes

and worked up my courage and was like (breathes heavily),

"Hey, boss, how you doin'?"

He's like, "Hey, Kevin, what's up?"

I was like,

"Would you mind if we went one more take on that?"

He'd go, "Why, it wasn't good?"

I was like, "No, it was good.

"It was just there's something I was lookin' for

"that we didn't quite get."

And he was like, "What?"

And I was like, "It's like this, uh,"

and I'm lookin' at him and I'm like,

this motherfucker's gonna yell at me.

(audience laughs)

Like, I could feel it.

You know how dogs feel a hurricane coming?

I was just like, I should run for the hills.

Like, I feel it, you know,

but I'm just like I'm gonna pursue it and shit.

And he's like, "What is it?"

And I was like, "You know what, boss?

"Forget it, I'm sorry, I was stupid.

"I'm gonna go back to the chair."

And he goes, "No, really, what is it?"

'Cause ultimately at the bottom of it all,

he is an actor and actors wanna please and shit.

So he's like, "What, what?"

And I was like, "I don't know,

"I just feel stupid tellin' you."

He's like, "Just tell me."

And I was like, "I don't know, I shouldn't."

He's like, "Kevin, you better fuckin' tell me right now."

I was like, "Okay."

I was like, "But you're gonna yell at me."

He goes, "No, I'm not.

"I never yell at you."

And I was like, "Yeah, you do, lots."

He's like, "No, I don't."

I was like, "You have yelled at me.

"I don't care, I can take it, but you have."

He said, "Kev, I don't yell."

I was like, "You have."

"Kevin, I'm gonna start fuckin' yellin' at you

"if you don't fuckin' get to it."

And I was like, "Okay.

"That line that you have with Tracy

"after Tracy tells you that he saw the nanny cam,

"you say, 'I been there before.'"

He's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't do it?"

I said, "No, you did it, you did it each time,

"but I was lookin' for something

"a little bit different on it."

And he was like, "What?"

And I was like (sighs),

"I was kinda hopin' you could deliver it

"the way David Addison delivered a similar line

"in season two of Moonlighting

"in the episode, I think it was called

"Every Daughter's Father is a Virgin

"where Maddie thinks that her dad's cheatin' on her mom

"and at one point, you had to say

"something really comforting to her

"and I was kinda lookin' for that,

"please don't look at me like that, Bruce."

And Bruce did, this was fucked up.

I wasn't prepared for this and shit.

He did the thing.

In show business, people tend to put

a little bit of panache performance into shit and whatnot.

Somebody tells you something

that shocks you or makes you mad

generally speaking you launch.

Like, "Fuckin', what the fuck?"

Bruce put a little bit of style onto it and shit like that.

So I said that thing about him.

I wanted him to do a David Addison and shit like that,

and he goes,

and he does this thing where he turned but came back,

so he's like,

like I forget what I was gonna say

but now I remember, Kevin.

Problem is, when he did that, I flinched.

(audience laughs)

(audience claps)

It was a pussy move, I know,

but I gotta tell ya, he's an imposing dude.

He's fuckin' strong.

I don't know, he's like 50,

fuckin' way better shape than I am,

muscles on top of muscles and shit.

Dude looks like he's cut from marble.

So when he turned around like this,

I literally went.

(audience laughs)

And he was like, "Did you just flinch?"

And I said, "Yeah," but he's going,

"Did you think I was gonna hit you, Kevin?"

And I was like, "No, man, no.

"That was too close" and blah, blah, blah.

And he goes, "Did you just ask me to give a performance

"that I gave 25 years ago?"

I said, "No, man, I didn't."

He's like, "You did, I heard it.

"You asked me to do a David Addison.

"Did you literally ask me?

"You do that with other actors?

"Do you ask Ben Affleck to do

"one of the stupid movies he's done?"

And I said, "Well, Jersey Girl."

And he's like, "I don't know jokes, Kevin."

He's just like, "Listen."

He's going, "It is the most insulting thing in the world

"to come up to an actor,

"ask 'em to do something they did before,

"let along something they did

"fuckin' a quarter of a century.

"What makes you think I'd fuckin' remember that?"

And I was just like, "I don't know, man.

"I was just sittin' over there.

"It was a real fuckin' stupid move, man, I'm sorry."

He's like, "Go back to your fuckin' chair, Kevin."

I was like, "I will, I'm so sorry."

Rush back to my chair and shit.

Sat down and I was real quiet and whatnot

and Adam Siegel's sittin' next to me.

He's like, "What's the matter, man?

"You're sweatin', more than usual."

(audience laughs)

I was like, "Nothing, nothing, man.

"Let's watch this."

And Michael Pitt goes, "Action."

Take begins and shit.

Bruce is performing,

doing the same fuckin' performance that he did,

and I'm sittin' there watchin' it

and I'm just like what a waste of time

and now he's gonna tell people I flinched

and fuckin' for the rest of the show,

people are gonna come up to me and be like,

(audience laughs)

"I thought so."

Walk away and shit.

I'm watchin' the monitor.

Something amazing happened.

Bruce Willis just disappeared.

Jimmy Monroe, the character he was playing in the movie,

disappeared, and for one magnificent, glorious line,

David Addison appeared.

(audience applauds)

I was lookin' at that monitor

and suddenly I was fuckin' 16 years old

sittin' on the couch with my mom sleepin' on the chair

and just watchin' Bruce Willis and being amazed

and lovin' him and shit like that.

It was flawless.

It was like I had been transported back in time

to the set of Moonlighting and he fuckin' did it and shit.

Take ends.

I don't say anything.

I'm just like, "Check the gate, Michael.

"We're good, we're good."

And I'm sittin' there and I can't share it,

you know what I'm sayin'?

I'm so quiet, I'm just sittin' beside myself,

like I reached him.

(audience laughs)

I reached the monster.

And Adam Siegel's sittin' next to me and shit.

He's going, "I gonna tell you, man.

"Like, I wouldn't say this out loud,

"but there was one line in there

"where he kinda sounded a little bit like David Addison."

I was like, "It was David Addison!"

He's like, "What are you talking about?"

I was like, "He did David Addison.

"I went over there and asked him

"to do Dave Addison and he did."

And he goes, "You actually talked to him?"

I was like, "Yeah, I went over there

"and I was just like, hey, man,

"can you do it kinda like David Addison?"

He was like, "Well, did he yell at you?"

I was like, "No, he didn't yell at me

"'cause I went over there like a director,

"said, 'Motherfucker, you give me a David Addison.'

"I'm tired of all this bullshit.

"You get out there and then, oh shit, here he comes."

(audience laughs)

So we were all quiet and whatnot

and fuckin' Bruce likes to saunter

and he was just kind of sauntering around and whatnot.

Me and Adam are kind of sittin' there pretending

not to talk about Bruce at all,

pretending not to even notice him and shit like that,

talking amongst ourselves,

and Bruce was just doing the saunter, lookin' around,

thinking about how he is Bruce Willis.

(audience laughs)

Comes up to us, his eyes casually fall on me, and he goes,

"That was for you, Kev."

(audience laughs and applauds)

And it was weird because I wouldn't say that he didn't care.

I think he cared about the movie a lot,

but he'd been through it so often.

He had made movies for so long.

He was like, "I could do this in my sleep, dude,

"and what you're givin' me here

"is not that fuckin' challenging.

"Trust me, I can get us through this."

But I was used to people that were like overgivers,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Like, I was used to people like George Carlin.

George Carlin was like--

(audience cheers)

George, aside from being the master of this,

George loved acting and loved it

like you fuckin' read about.

It's something that I always kinda knew

and knew even more when I read his biography

after he passed and whatnot,

and it was you couldn't keep him down.

You couldn't keep him off a set.

He was so inquisitive,

so willing to give and shit like that, just eager.

Wanted to be an actor from a young age and shit.

Like, we were on the set of Jersey Girl

and it's me and fuckin' him and Ben

getting ready to do a scene and shit like that.

Jennifer was gonna be doin' the scene too

but she wouldn't come until later in the rehearsal

so it's just us two, and before they start,

George goes, "Kevin, I just wanted to tell you

"I'd been readin' the script

"and there's this character Greenie

"whom I'm always givin' shit to

"and I don't quite understand why I give him shit,

"but I just want you to know

"that I came up with a back story for it

"and I wrote it and memorized it and I've since threw away.

"I'm not gonna refer to it,

"but I want you to know that if you see a look on my face

"that communicates I know what's going on,

"it's because I've conducted this back story.

"It's not gonna interrupt the flow of your story,

"but it's there in case you need to rely on it in some way."

(audience laughs)

And I fuckin' turned to Affleck.

I'm like, "Why can't you be this fuckin' good?"

(audience laughs and applauds)

But he was a consummate professional,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Like, he treated,

even though film wasn't his first fuckin' gig,

he treated it like it was.

He put everything into it and whatnot

and just like he did in the stage show,

and the reason I wanted to work with him

wasn't 'cause I thought he'd be such a great actor.

I just loved George Carlin.

Like, George Carlin gave me something to do

with my entire fuckin' life, you know what I'm sayin'?

Like, up until that moment,

and granted that moment I was like 10 years old

so I wasn't really thinking about

what to do with my life, 10 or 11,

I didn't know what I wanted to do.

I didn't really have people I identified with.

I was a fat kid, I didn't play sports and shit,

so I didn't identify with athletes.

Movie people were in another world

so I liked seein' shit but I didn't identify with R2-D2.

I was like, well, I am short and fat as well,

but you know.

But I never really kind of identified

with anybody until I saw Carlin at Carnegie.

My father used to bring comedy albums home.

He worked at the post office

and some guy used to sell albums I guess at the post office

or they used to steal 'em from the mail perhaps,

but I never asked.

He would bring maybe it might've been

this is from the Columbia Record House, for my son.

But he would give me albums and I'd play 'em ad nauseam,

like Red Fox and fuckin' Bill Cosby,

and George Carlin was my favorite,

and one day my father's like,

"That comedian George Carlin, the guy that you really like,

"they're gonna do a TV show about him."

And I was like, "What do you mean?"

He's like, "HBO, they're gonna do,

"there's a stand up special."

I was like, "Get outta here."

He's like, "Yeah, you wanna watch it?"

I was like, "Yeah, yeah."

We'd just gotten HBO and it was Carlin at Carnegie.

I think it was 1982 so I was like 12 years old.

So my mom's like, "Are you sure

"we could watch this with him?"

And my dad's like, "Yeah, he's Catholic.

"Don't worry about it."

(audience laughs)

Now Carlin at Carnegie,

one of the most seminal stand up specials of all time,

opens with George Carlin taking to the stage

at Carnegie Hall in New York and saying,

"Have you ever noticed

"that the people who are against abortion

"are people you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place?"

(audience laughs and applauds)

So I'm sittin' next to my father and my mother

and my father's like (laughs heartily)

and my mother's like, "That's not appropriate."

She's going, "He's gonna ask questions, Don."

And my father's like, "No, he won't."

And I was like, "What's abortion, Mom?"

And she's like, "Ugh, I knew it," and she took off and shit,

and my father's like, "Don't worry about her.

"Let's watch," and he was way into it and shit

and then at a certain point in the evening,

and Carlin was a magician with words and whatnot

and the smartest human being I ever met

and even in his entertainment,

even as he just stood onstage,

the shit he said was insanely fuckin' smart and whatnot.

But he would also do dopey shit as well.

Like, he started doin' the rice krispies humor

and the humor about Tippy, his dog,

who farted and whatnot,

and like if I can lick my own balls,

I'd never leave the house, all that shit.

My mom would come outta the kitchen and rejoin

and she'd be like, "Oh, I like dog humor."

And she'd sit down and be into it

and I was like this guy can work on couple different levels.

He's doin' like the obvious observational humor and shit,

but he's talkin' about shit and he's using,

more impressively, he's using the foulest fuckin' language

I've ever heard in my life.

We were raised Catholic.

Nobody cursed in our house.

My mother was always the person to be like,

"I hope you go to H-E- double hockey sticks,"

which is a cute curse but still a curse

'cause she's wishing you to hell

but with a nice name and shit.

So we didn't curse in our house

and here was this man who was allowed into our living room

to say profane things and my parents respected him

and I was just like, holy shit, this is what I wanna do.

I wanna sit around and be on a stage or write things

and talk about things and just express myself

the way I want to and apparently you don't have to worry

about fuckin' cursing.

I didn't think George was stupid.

They always tell you when you're young,

"If you curse, you sound unintelligent."

George is the smartest fuckin' person I ever met and shit

and the dude said some heinous things,

and I remember watchin' that night,

and I was never like I wanna do that for a living,

but you can be damn sure years later

when I had to get up on a stage

and talk about Clerks for the first time

in front of an audience, the first person

who went into my mind was do it like Carlin.

Just own that stage, get up there and like

talk like you know what you're talkin' about.

(audience applauds)

So he was a teacher, you know.

He was a role model and he was the dude

that like when I was young, I'd turn my friends onto him.

I'd be like, "You gotta listen to this.

"Dude's fuckin' genius" and blah, blah, blah.

Years later, when I was able to make a movie

and I was makin' Dogma, I was like,

let's reach out to George Carlin,

see if he wants to play Cardinal Glick,

and I was on an episode of Conan O'Brien.

He was on that night as well,

and his wife of many years had just died,

god, a few weeks prior.

So at the show, I brought a script

so I'm like if I run into him,

I wanna be able to say, "Hey, man, here's a script."

So I ran into him, gave him the script,

said thank you very much and whatnot,

and I remember he did like a piece that night on the show

where it was the only time I ever saw George,

I wouldn't say he certainly didn't bomb

but you could tell he wasn't there

'cause his wife had just passed and shit.

Two weeks later, we went to dinner in Los Angeles

at the Four Seasons, brunch actually,

and we were talkin' about the movie and shit

and he was asking questions and his biggest question,

he was like, "I gotta you this

"'cause this'll have a lot to do

"with whether or not I can even make the movie."

I was like, "Okay, shoot."

And he's going, "I know I'm playing a cardinal

"and cardinals generally don't get married,

"at least that we know of."

He said, "But my wife just died

"and I really can't take my ring off

"so what I'm thinkin' about doin'

"is wearing a Band-Aid over it in the scene.

"Would that bother you in any way?"

And I was about to cry.

I was like, "That is the fuckin' most sweetest thing

"I've ever heard, man," and it's coming outta this dude,

the dude who's like,

"You wouldn't wanna fuck 'em in the first place,"

like that guy.

And I was so touched.

I was like, "George, please.

"Wear three Band-Aid, don't worry about it.

"We can always digitally erase it or something,

"but absolutely do whatever makes you feel comfortable."

And we got along swimmingly.

He would come to the set and shit and do his part.

George was the kinda guy, he's a comedian

that never felt the need to be on, make you laugh.

Some comedians you're around,

they're constantly, constantly workin'.

I love Tracy Morgan to death, but you need to sleep a week

before you hang out for a day with Tracy.

(audience laughs)

Tracy, he fuckin' goes and goes.

It's like somebody turns him and the batteries are eternal

and he's just like the Energizer bunny, whatever.

He was the kinda guy,

like we're makin' Cop out and shit like that.

Like, I don't know if you're married, got a girlfriend.

Whenever I go away with my wife, she overpacks.

There's usually like three bags for two days.

I'm like, "Why would you do that and shit?"

Tracy overpacked like he was goin' away for two months.

So he came to the set not with the standard two suitcases

but 26 suitcases all packed full of funny

that he was ready to deliver.

It was great, but especially when captain chuffa

was rippin' pages outta the script.

(audience laughs)

But George never felt the need to make you laugh.

You can just sit there and have a conversation

with him and whatnot, and every once in a while,

he'd say something witty, but he was never the guy

that was just like, oh my God, you gotta hear this

and doing a performance for you and shit.

You'd just be around him.

He's comfortable, easy to be around.

So smart, I just loved to hear him talk and shit,

and he was always willing, game to come out and play

'cause he loved acting and shit,

and so Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,

dude literally came out

just to fuckin' pretend to blow some dude.

(audience laughs)

But did it with such panache and class.

We do the first take, he comes up to me.

He goes, "Kevin, this is the rules of the road.

"Do I believe them?

"Or do they believe them?"

I was like, "No, your character actually,

"you kinda believe 'em.

"You're not lying to these cats, you believe 'em."

Okay, he's like, "That's important,

"the emotional truth of a scene when I suck a dick."

(audience laughs)

I was like, "Totally, totally."

And he killed, he did it.

He was very fun, ah, does that,

and it's so fuckin' memorable and whatnot,

and he was done shootin' that and whatnot.

He got on a van, transport van to go back to base camp

'cause we were out in the middle of the boonies

and I got on a van with him, chitchattin' with him,

and I remember the conversation was about music,

popular music, and he was just like,

"I can't listen to popular music."

He's going, "It's just the same fuckin' song.

"Somebody wants love, somebody's not givin' love,

"somebody's gonna give love, nobody gettin' laid."

He's like, "They've been recording the same song

"since I was a kid so I kinda stopped listenin'."

I was like, "Right on."

I was like, "Did you have a good time?"

He was like, "I did, I did, but do me a favor, man.

"Next time you call me out to do something,

"why don't you write me my dream role?"

And I was like, "I'd love to, what's your dream role?"

And he's like, "I wanna a clergyman

"who strangles six children."

(audience laughs)

I was like, "I'll give it a shot, George."

And so I wrote Jersey Girl.

(audience laughs)

So when I wrote Jersey Girl,

I wrote him a big lead in it and shit like that

and I send it to him with a cover letter saying

I want you to play Ben Affleck's dad in the movie.

So let me know what you think,

and he called me up and whatnot after he read it.

I said, "What'd you think?"

And he goes, "Well, there's a girl in it,

"but I don't strangle her."

(audience laughs)

I was like, "We're gonna have to save that

"for the next movie."

He's like, "I'm in,"

and he was just such a dedicated professional about it,

just a thing of joy to be around forever,

and Clerk II, we couldn't get him into.

There was nothing in the movie that called for him,

but Zack and Miri, we tried to get him

to play the part that Tom Savini played,

the guy that sells them the sound stage and whatnot

and George was always on a stage

like 250, 270 nights outta the year and shit

so it was tough to him schedule-wise

if he didn't map it out well in advance.

So we called him up and whatnot and he couldn't do it.

He was gonna be on a stage when we were shootin',

we couldn't move our dates and shit.

So he's like, "Let me talk to Kevin."

I got on the phone with him.

He's like, "It's not gonna work out this time."

I was like, "I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry,

"but I understand, like you're busy and shit.

"Don't worry about it."

He's like, "We'll do it on the next one,"

and then he died shortly thereafter and shit

and it hit me in a weird way.

We weren't like best friends.

Like I don't wanna paint it like

I went to George Carlin's house.

He'd call me every once in a while.

On the set, we'd chitchat and whatnot,

but it's not like we hung out or anything like that,

but there was a weird sense of profound loss

when the guy was gone for me,

even for somebody that like I wasn't related to him,

I didn't fuck him, we weren't best friends,

but he meant something to me in a big, bad way,

and when he died, immediately somebody was like,

"Hey, do you wanna write an article for Newsweek?"

And I was like, "Yes, somebody has to fuckin'

"champion this man," blah, blah, blah,

and you just kinda go into,

I wouldn't call myself a George Carlin survivor

but he had just died and I kinda went into the mode

of like we gotta like honor him, bury the dead,

blah, blah, blah.

And it wasn't until months later

that his daughter Kelly called me up

and she was just like, "We're putting together this book,

"Dad's autobiography, and I was wondering

"if you had any pictures from the Dogma set."

And I was like, "Yeah, Scott's got a bunch, man.

"I'll put you in touch with Scott."

And I was like, "How you doing?"

She was like, "Good, you know, it's tough,

"but I gotta tell you it's really nice.

"Like everyone in my father's world

"has kinda welcomed me with open arms and shit.

"They've been really nice.

"In his absence, they still feel him."

And she's like, "How you doing?"

And it was the first time that I really thought about it

and I started cryin'.

I was just like, "I miss him so much."

I said, "It's so weird 'cause he wasn't really

"a friend of mine or a relative or even somebody I'd fuck."

And she was like, "What?"

(audience laughs)

I was like, "That's your father's influence."

I said, "But like I really, I miss him,

"and I'm so mad at him."

She's like, "Why are you mad at him?"

I was like, "Because he was the smartest man I ever met

"and he told me he was gonna live to be 109 and he didn't.

"That broke my heart, man.

"Now I can't believe anything."

And she's just like, "Really?

"It took you that long to figure out my father was human?"

And I was like, "No, well, technically a long time ago,

"I figured it out and shit

"'cause he said you can never piss and fart at the same

"and I've perfected that, you know."

And she's like, "He told me."

'Cause I had told George once.

(audience laughs)

We were on the set of Jersey Girl.

We had some free time back in those days,

and we were sittin' around one day, it was quiet.

George liked to do the crossword puzzles sometimes and shit,

so did Mosier, and they were quiet,

and finally I was like,

"Hey, George, do you know it is possible

"to piss and fart at the same time?"

And he was just like,

(audience laughs)

"Is that down or across?"

(audience laughs and applauds)

I loved him to death.

He was such an amazing role model

and anytime I kinda step on the stage,

I think about George, man.

I think about without him

I never would've thought about doin' this.

I would've never had the confidence

to stand up here with a microphone.

He was a traveler and he was inquisitive

and he wanted to know things

and I wanted to be just like him and shit.

So losin' him was kind of a big deal

and it was an even bigger deal

when you're workin' on a set with people

that weren't clearly as fuckin' enthusiastic

as George always was,

but it was a different breed of flick,

that Couple a Dicks picture,

so much so they changed the fuckin' title on us.

Like, it was A Couple a Dicks for a long time

and then suddenly Warner Bros had done the due diligence,

I guess they saw what we went through on Zack and Miri

and they start callin' up the networks and being like,

"Hey, man, we have a movie called A Couple a Dicks.

"Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan play cops, ha, ha, ha.

"Are you guys gonna have a hard time advertising in that?"

And they're like, "We'll get back to you."

And all the networks got back to him.

NBC, ABC, and CBS all said

we can't run a promo for it before 9 o'clock

and so Warner Bros was like our entire marketing campaign

includes the Olympics, which start a lot earlier than that.

We wanna be able to advertise on weekend sports.

Like, you gotta think about a title change,

and we told you the title wasn't lock when you came on.

They did, from they jump, they were just like,

not guaranteed to be able to keep that title.

I was like, nah, it's a genius title, it works.

They're like, yeah, we're not guaranteed to keep it,

and we weren't guaranteed to keep it.

Suddenly, they were like we'll call it something else,

and they started comin' up with names

that were really fuckin' tepid

and fuckin' terrible and shit,

just shit like Scandal, where you're like, what?

Like, somebody better show their titties

in a movie called Scandal

and I know nobody shows their titties

in this movie and shit.

Just like weird names, A Couple of Cops,

which it's like wait,

how to do you from A Couple a Dicks to A Couple a Cops?

Like that's a literal title.

That's what the movie's about and shit like that.

They're like we gotta pick soon

'cause the trailer's gotta go out,

and titles don't really mean that much.

I was like, yeah, I mean, you're right.

I'd gone through it on Zack and Miri Make a Porno,

so I was kinda like, yeah, we can let the title go

because I'd seen what happened to Zack and Miri.

That title hurt us, it absolutely hurt us at the box office.

So if we hadn't gone through that,

I would've been like fuckin' all 22 and emo

about the fuckin' Couple a Dicks title.

You can't have this title.

I'm gonna die with these dicks in my hands!

(audience laughs)

But they pushed the issue.

Like, we gotta change it shit like that,

and I was like, what are we gonna call it?

I was talkin' to Adam Seigel,

again, one of the producers on the movie,

and Adam was just like, "Yeah,

"it's kinda weird man, isn't it?"

I was like, "It's weird, Adam.

"We had an excellent title.

"We're goin' from a fuckin' Couple a Dicks

"to like the worst title on the planet,

"a couple of fuckin' cops.

"Isn't there anything else we could do?"

He's like, "I don't know, man,

"but that title's kind of a cop out, isn't it?"

And I said, "Wait a second."

I said, "That's the title, dude."

He goes, "What, Cop Out?"

I said, "Yes, let's call this bitch Cop Out, man.

"That's kinda funny."

Goes, "Why is it funny?"

I was like, "'Cause we're copping out on a good title.

"Like, it'd be funny.

"I mean, it kinda plays.

"Cop Out, he's out of his baseball card and shit.

"He's a cop, it works," but really for me,

it'll always mean like they copped out on the fuckin' title.

He's like, "Let's try."

And we went in and asked and Warners Bros was like,

"Let's do a title search," and they found out that,

who was it, Blake Edwards had it

and Blake Edwards at first didn't wanna give up

and then I sent Blake Edwards a really nice message and shit

and he said, "Okay, I'll do it for the filmmaker,"

and he let the title go

and suddenly we were fuckin' Cop Out and shit like that,

and so I guess around late January, early February

I was gettin' ready to go out on the road

and promote Cop Out and I was really dreading it

'cause I was like, ugh, all the press is gonna talk about

is how we changed the title from A Couple a Dicks

to fuckin' Cop Out and that's all I'm gonna hear

from now until the end of time.

The only interview I'll ever give

is gonna be about changing the title

and the press is gonna bug me about the title

and I hate it so much.

Then I got thrown off a fuckin' airplane.

(audience laughs)

And when that happens,

suddenly nobody cared about the title.

Suddenly, everyone was like,

"You're too fat to what now?"

And I was like, "Fly and shit."

They're like, "Get outta here."

And that was a horrible experience

that I don't really wanna go over again

but we'll do it real quickly and real short.

It was just kinda shitty, man, being a flight.

Some people have heard the details.

You can hear the story elsewhere.

I'll just give you the real shadings of it.

I had a ticket, I had two tickets, I had three tickets,

me, Jen, and myself.

We wanted three seats.

Now a lot of people are like, "Why do you want three seats?"

'Cause like I don't, like, on a plane, some space,

I'd like some space and shit like that,

not from her, just from other people and shit.

Like, I don't go to a movie theater,

sit down next to somebody, and be like, "Hello,"

especially when there's a bunch

of other empty seats and shit.

So we're flyin' on Southwest,

it's a very affordable airline.

I said, "Let's just grab three seats.

"We'll have a row to ourself.

"We could lay down if we want

"or just not have somebody sittin' next to us and shit."

So we had three seats in the morning.

Jen, I'm supposed to go up to San Francisco,

go do podcast with Malcolm and shit,

and Jen was gonna go, but she's like, "I'm tired.

"I'm gonna stay home, do you care?"

I was like, "No, I'm fine."

Go to the airport, check in expecting one ticket.

Two come out, and so I'm just like oh shit, two tickets.

I was like right on, two seats, fine.

Great, take my two seats, go.

Don't need 'em, plane's like fuckin' almost empty and shit,

and I'm sittin' in my one seat.

I'm not spread out over two,

seat belt on and shit like that.

Don't have the armrest down because why bother?

There's two empty seats next to me.

Take the flight out, go do the thing with Malcolm,

come back to the airport.

It was early and I've got two seats,

so I'm like, fuck, maybe I can get on an earlier flight,

and Southwest does that,

very good about like you get there early,

jump in, get on another flight shit like that.

So went up to the desk and I was just like,

"Hey, man, can I get on an earlier flight back to Burbank?"

And they were just like, "Yeah, yeah.

"You take this, go down to the gate,

"and check there, they'll deal with you."

So all right, go through security, go down to the gate.

Chick's there at the desk, and I was like,

"Hey, I was kinda hopin' to get on this flight."

And she's like, "This flight's pretty booked.

"Like, if everybody checks in that's accounted for,

"there's gonna be one seat open."

And I was like, "That's great, man.

"That's all I need is one seat, man.

"I just wanna go back to Burbank and shit."

And she goes, "Well, you have two tickets."

And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah,

"but I don't need two seats.

"One seat, totally do it.

"If you get me on that plane, man, that'd be awesome."

And she goes, "Well, what about the safety concerns?"

And I was like, "Are we under attack again?

(audience laughs)

"Like, what do you mean the safety concerns?"

And she's like, "You have to be able

"to lower your armrest, sir."

And I was like, "What?

"Oh, oh!

"Armrest, you think I'm fat."

I said, "Oh no."

I said, "Look, I am fat,

"but I ain't too fat to fly on that plane."

I said, "This is a big point of pride with me.

"I can still buckle the seat like a big boy

"on a Southwest plane.

"Like, don't worry about it.

"I'm totally good."

I said, "I may look it and I am fat."

I said, "But not too fat in the seat.

"One seat's gonna be fine."

She's like, "Okay, go over there, we'll call you" and shit.

And they eventually called me

and the chick goes, "Here's your ticket.

"Rush to the gate right now 'cause they're loading up.

"They're closing the door."

And I was like, "Okay, okay."

And then I was lookin' for my other ticket

and I was like, "Where's my other ticket?"

And she goes, "You don't need,

"you only have one seat, remember?"

I was like, "I know, I know, but I gave you two tickets.

"You just gave me one back."

And she's like, "You gotta get on the plane.

"There aren't two seats."

I was like, "Ma'am, I know, but I gave you two of something,

"you gave me one.

"I think I got fucked."

And she goes, "Oh, they'll just reimburse you."

And I was like, "Okay, okay."

She's like, "Go to the gate."

I was like, "All right, thanks."

And I go down to the fuckin' jetway,

and that desk, it's a desk that serves three gates,

I would say a good 20 yards from the jetway gate and shit.

Leave her, go down to the jetway gate,

give the ticket to the dude, go down the jetway,

and there's a dude in the jetway

who's comin off the plane and shit,

got a manifest in his hand or something like that,

looks at me, and he goes, "Who are you?"

And I was like, "I'm the standby guy.

"They told me I could come board."

And he goes, "Are you muh-muh-muh?

And I couldn't hear what he said.

And I said, "Did you just reclassify me

"as fuckin' luggage, dude?"

And he goes, "What did you say?"

And I go, "Oh shit, he's not a curser."

So I was like, "Nothing."

I said, "Did you reclassify me as luggage?"

And he goes, "No, I asked you if you were revenue."

And I said, "Revenue, what's that?"

He goes, "Revenue means, did you pay for your ticket?"

And I was like, "What do you mean,

"they give this shit off free?"

And he goes, "No, if it's a replacement ticket

"or something like that."

I said, "Oh," I said, "No, I paid for my ticket.

"I paid for two but I only got one.

"That's all I need and shit like that.

"Yeah, I paid, I'm revenue, revenue."

And he's like, "Right on.

"Get on the plane."

So I go to the plane.

There's a chick in the doorway

and the chick recognizes me,

looks at me, and she's like "Ah!"

And I was like, "Right on, she's a fan."

She's like, "This is gonna be so much fun."

I was like, "I know."

But it wasn't.

(audience laughs and applauds)

So I get in and she goes, "The plane is full."

I come around the corner and I see everything,

just packed to the rafters except for the front seat,

left bulkhead if you're facing the back of the plane,

middle seat between two women, one like 40 something chick,

one 80 something chick and whatnot.

I'm like if this is what it's gotta be, it's gotta be.

It's an hour flight, I don't give a shit.

I'll talk to the old ladies, I don't care, and whatnot.

So I go to sit down.

I was like, "Wait, let me put my bag away,"

and I put my bag up and whatnot

and then I go to sit down again.

I was like, "Oh shit, I need my headphones."

I went and grabbed my headphones,

and then I finally sit down with my headphones,

gettin' ready and shit, pull the seat belt to go put it on,

and as I go to click it, I look up

and I see coming down the jetway is the chick from the desk

and I got real fuckin' wigged out

'cause she's lookin' at me, like eye contact.

Like, she's comin' toward me and for some reason,

all my Catholic upbringing, I was like

my mother must've died.

Like, I was like that's the only reason

a stewardess or somebody who worked at ticket gate

would come talk to me on the plane, like,

"Mr. Smith, I'm sorry to tell you

"that your mother has passed."

"Would you come off the plane?"

I'd be like, "This is an amazing service."

Like, "Yes, thank you" and shit.

She comes up to me and my mother didn't die.

She goes, "Mr. Smith, you're gonna

"have to come with me right now."

And I was like, "Why, did my mother die?"

And she goes, "No, man."

She goes, "Just please come with me.

"The pilot asked that you would come off the plane."

I was like, "Why?"

And she's going, "Well, there's the safety concern."

And I was like, "Lady, what do you mean?"

I was like, "Safety?"

I was like, "The armrest?"

And they were up, and I was like, "Look,"

and I put 'em down.

I was like, "These were just up when I sat down.

"I didn't put 'em up."

I was like, "Look, again, I'm fat,

"but I ain't too fat.

"You can see, look, I can buckle and shit."

She's goes, "I know, but it's the armrests

"aren't supposed to be touching anything."

I was like, "It's not touching."

I said, "Look, I wear a bulky shirt, man.

"I would pull it up and show you that it's not flab.

"It's just a lot of fuckin' material.

"I like to wear, I'm a layers guy."

And she's just like, "Ah, I know,

"but it'd be really helpful

"if you would just come with me right now.

"The pilot's asking you to deplane."

And I'm like, "Lady, please don't do this to me.

"Like, when I came into the plane,

"I literally made eye contact with three people

"who know who the fuck I am.

"If you're asking me to get off this plane,

"somebody's gonna fuckin' talk.

"Somebody's gonna say something.

"I'm gonna be humiliated."

She goes, "Yeah, can you just come with me though?"

And I knew I was losin'.

I knew I couldn't sway her and shit like that,

and then I started to get like all right, what's my move?

I should dig in and be like, "Fuck you.

"You take me off this plane

"when you pry it from my cold dead hands."

But in a post 9/11 environment,

like I don't fuck around on an airplane

'cause I'd been like, "I ain't goin' anywhere,"

and some dude behind me with a fork stabs me.

Two other passengers attack me and kill me

and they're like, "He was goin' apeshit.

"He was tryin' to eat everything" or something like that.

(audience laughs)

So I don't wanna fuck around.

I feel like I'm beat.

There's nothing I can do.

I'm like I gotta eat it.

Fuck it, I gotta get up and shit.

I'm like goddamnit, and I get up from my seat,

I do the turn around thing

because I'm gonna go like this out the aisle,

go get my bag, and as I turn around,

I guess if I was sittin' this way,

I turn this way, and as I turn around

'cause I'm gonna exit the aisle, go there,

there's a dude sittin' two rows back

in the same seat as me in the middle,

fuckin' huge, like I'm sayin' that.

This dude was a wide fuckin' dude,

a true overweight really morbidly obese man,

seated in a seat between two chicks also.

That dude's expression on his face

was absolutely abject terror because we locked eyes

and I looked at him and my first instinct was to be,

"Oh, what about him, he's really fuckin' fat!

"Look how fat he is, he's fat!"

(audience claps)

But fuck that, I would never throw

a fellow fatty under the bus

or the plane, as it were.

So I didn't say anything,

but we did make perfect eye contact in that moment and shit

and his eyes communicated me to what he was thinkin'

and what he said was, "Please don't tell anyone I'm fat.

"Please don't tell anyone I'm fat, please don't tell."

So I let it go, I just went and got my bag

and fuckin' took off shit like that and didn't reveal him,

but that dude like stayed with me forever

'cause the expression on his face,

it reminded me, remember that moment in Schindler's List

where the little kid is runnin' around the camp

tryin' to find a place to hide

and he jumps into the toilet, into latrine,

and then there's two kids in there already

and they're like, "You can't hide here,"

and they cut to the kid and he just kinda looks up

like at this light comin' down

from the toilet lid in the fuckin' latrine

and you're like, that is so fuckin' depressing, horrible.

That is the worst thing that can happen to a human being.

Is exactly like my Southwest Airlines flight.

Whole time I was in there, I was just thinkin' like,

dude, that poor dude looks like that dude.

It was just nasty, man.

Then they wrote a blog about like captain said

unfortunately fat people have to buy two seats

and we like Mr. Smith but he always buys two seats.

They put out a fuckin' smokescreen lie

saying I always bought multiple seats.

I've never always done that.

I think it did it twice in my life.

They also said that the pilot threw me

off the fuckin' plane and shit like that,

and I was tellin' the lady, as I'm in the seat,

I'm like, "Ma'am, I can't see the pilot.

"How can the pilot see me?"

And she's going, "He can see you.

"He can look around corners."

I was like, "Ma'am, I have to lean all the way out here

"to look and I'm still leaning on this lady and shit.

"I can't see the pilot."

She goes, "Well, the plane has mirrors."

And I said, "Yeah, in the bathroom."

I was like, "There's no way the pilot can see me right now."

She's like, "Sir, we don't have planes on the phone."

I was like, "I'm sure you have planes,

"but nobody even called to say the pilot can see me.

"It's impossible for this guy to see me.

"Let me stay in this seat, ma'am.

"This ladies don't care."

I turned to the lady to my left.

I was like, "Do you care?"

She goes, "It's only an hour flight."

I was like, "Thanks for the fuckin' help, man."

Turn to the other old lady and shit.

She's a real pruny, little old lady and shit,

and I was like, "Ma'am, am I squishing you?"

And she goes, "What?"

And I go, "Am I squishing you?"

And she goes, "What?"

And I go, "Squish!"

And she goes, "No, I'll have tea."

(audience laughs)

Fuckin' useless, you know.

So they said that the pilot had seen me

and said take him off the plane

because there aren't two seats for him

and people that big need two seats,

and I'm off the jetway,

I'm waitin' in the jetway for the chick

and she didn't come out,

and then so I kind of Charlie Brown it

over to the desk where she was and shit,

and she comes outta the jetway and she comes up to the desk

and she's like, "Hi, how are you doing?"

I was like, "Not fuckin' good, man.

"What's goin' on here, man?"

And she's like, "Well, like I told you,

"the pilot said that you needed to buy another seat."

I was like, "That's bullshit.

"That's absolute bullshit.

"I fit in the seat and I put the armrest down.

"I buckled and you saw me."

And she's going, "I'm just telling you what the pilot said."

And I was like, "But I don't think the pilot saw me."

She goes, "Are you callin' me a liar?"

And I said, "No.

"But I don't think the pilot saw me."

She's going, "He did, why would I make that up?

"Why would I just say that?"

And I was just like, "Lady, if I can't see him,

"how can he fuckin' possibly see me?

"It's a corner.

"I'd have to go like this.

"I don't think that he saw me."

She's like, "I assure the pilot saw you."

And that's the blog they put up.

It was all about how the pilot saw me.

I was too fat, he made the call.

He regrets havin' to do it,

but maybe I should think about

eatin' few fuckin' pieces of cotton candy

or some shit like that.

Three days later, there was a different blog went up

and it told a completely different story

and it was a story about some crew member

who maybe made a hasty decision too quickly

and told me to get off the plane

without checkin' with anybody else,

and I'm like that's 180 degrees away

from the fuckin' story that you insisted was true,

the story that you told me.

The reason that I had to get off that plane

was because they said the pilot said

that I needed to buy two seats,

but now I'm hearing the pilot

didn't even see me and shit like that.

Right then and there, I was like I knew it, man.

Like, I didn't have to go and they fuckin' bounced me,

and yet I went 'cause I was terrified of getting

fuckin' plugged by a fuckin' federal air marshal

or something, like (imitates gunshots),

but at the same time, I was like people

on the fuckin' plane probably saw me, man.

This word's gonna get out quick.

If the word's gonna get out, it's gonna get out with me.

So I grab my phone, I start tweetin' about it and shit,

and I tweeted for a good hour and shit

'cause before I left the desk, like I was talkin',

like she was just like, "I'm bringing over a manager

"to deal with you."

I wasn't yellin', I wasn't hostile,

but I was definitely heated and shit.

Brought over the manager, I told him the whole story.

He goes, "Well, here's a brochure, sir,

"with a phone number on it.

"If you call these people,

"they can help rectify the situation for you."

I was like, "You're kidding me, that's the best you can do

"is give me a fuckin' phone number?

"Keep your phone number, buddy.

"In about an hour, you're gonna come lookin' for me,

"I promise you," and I left and I started tweetin' and shit.

(audience laughs and cheers)

And sure enough,

sure enough,

I was leaning against a wall at one point

and the manager who I dealt with raced in front of me

down the fuckin' jetway and shit

and then all of a sudden, he stopped, saw me, rushes back.

He goes, "You have to stop tweeting immediately."

I was like, "Hey, man, how are you?"

And he's like, "Good, how you doing, Mr. Smith?

"Can you put the phone down please?"

And I was like, "No, I'm just kind of

"registering my displeasure."

He's like, "I know, I've been hearing from everybody.

"Everyone's really sorry.

"Look, we're gonna take care of you.

"We're gonna put you on the plane first,

"the next flight out."

I said, "Don't bother, buddy.

"I got two tickets right here

"because I'm so fuckin' fat for two seats right up front."

He's like, "Well, we're gonna make sure

"that you get put on the plane first."

I was like, "Don't fuckin' bother, man.

"I need to get on the other fuckin' plane,

"not this fuckin' plane and shit."

Then he ushers me to the front of the plane and shit,

puts me on the plane first before other people and whatnot.

So I'm sitting now in the front seat

and everybody that parades by is kind of lookin' at me

'cause the word has filtered out

throughout the airport a little bit and shit like that.

So everyone comin' down is lookin' at me

and I just keep going, "Hi, hi."

And they're all goin' like. (mumbles)

(audience laughs)

It was fuckin' bad, man.

It was really, really fuckin' tough to deal with and shit,

but it's not the first time.

Like, it didn't bug me about the weight thing.

That's the thing.

Everyone's just like, oh, he's so embarrassed he's fat.

I've been fat my whole fuckin' life.

That doesn't bother me.

I know how to carry the fat and shit like that.

I got a really good-looking wife.

Fat has not stopped me in way, shape, or form.

(audience cheers)

But it's not something you're supposed to be proud of.

You're supposed to be, oh, I'm ashamed

of all this hateful fat and shit like that and whatnot.

So generally speaking, I don't go out there,

I'm like, "I'm fat and proud" and whatnot,

but I have been know to fuckin' talk about my weight

and talk about it publicly and some shit has happened

because of my weight from time to time.

Like, one time we had a comic book store

back west in Westwood.

Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash we opened out there

in, what was it, it was called Laser Blazer.

It was the back of a DVD store

on Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles.

Guy name Ron Dassa owns the place,

and I'd gone in their shop all the time

and we'd had a Secret Stash in Westwood

on Westwood Boulevard and shit,

but eventually after three, three, four years, we closed.

Brian didn't wanna run it anymore.

We decided to close it.

And that guy Ron was like,

"Why don't you bring it and put it in the back of my store?

"You're in here all the time, and we'll run it for you."

I was like, "All right."

So we moved it into Laser Blazer and shit

and as we do out here, we like to play poker at the store

and have tournaments and whatnot.

We were havin' a tournament at that store one night

and about 25 people, and I'm sittin' there playin' poker,

I'm doin' rather well.

About an hour in, I feel like it's safe enough

to kinda get up, walk away for a few minutes,

go take a shit.

So I ask Ron, I was like, "Ron,

"where's the fuckin' good bathroom where I can go?"

He's like, "There's one right around the corner."

And I was like, "Where people won't hear me."

(audience laughs)

He's like, "You make bathroom noises?"

I was like, "Loud ones."

So he's like, "All right, you wanna go downstairs,

"to use the bathroom.

"It's right behind that one wall

"where the lasers just used to be in your store now."

I was like, "All right."

So I went downstairs and shit.

There's somebody standing outside the door and whatnot

and that dude took off.

I don't know why and shit,

leaving me as the next person to go.

Somebody comes outta the bathroom.

I say, "Hey, what's up?"

I went into the bathroom, closed the door.

I get in the bathroom and I'm lookin'.

There's a toilet that comes right outta the wall.

It's kinda like if this was the wall here,

it just juts right out

and there's nothing underneath the toilet.

There's no pedestal that the toilet's sitting on.

It looks like a fuckin' magic trick,

just a fuckin' hovering toilet and shit,

and I'm no architect or fuckin' builder,

but I look at something like that, I'm like,

I wonder if it's on a support beam or something,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Because there's nothing holding it up and whatnot.

But I was just like, "What are the chances, man?"

These things are made to take a lot.

I'm sure it's no big deal.

Sat down, go to a shit, take my pants down and whatnot,

sit, and the toilet goes (imitates creaking),

and I was just like, it kinda gave a little bit, man.

This toilet kinda just slightly gave

a little bit like a diving board, you know.

Like, when you sit on a diving board, it goes like that.

But then I started doin' the math in my head.

I was like, all right,

when they build the trade towers in New York,

they built 'em so they could sway on the top floors.

Maybe it's the same engineering with the toilet

in case of a big windstorm.

(audience laughs)

So I'm sittin' on it and whatnot

and I'm feelin' not too good about it

based on that give, so I was just like,

just for fuckin' safety's sake, maybe I'll just hover.

I'll do the thing that chicks do in public.

When they piss, they hover.

Nobody ever puts their ass on a toilet seat

and shit like that.

Chicks just hover on their haunches.

So eyein' up my wife for years,

I was like, "How do you piss outside?"

She's like, "You gotta hover

"and move your underwear over here

"and go like this and shit."

So I was like, all right, man, I can probably do that.

I've been sittin' for years and shit.

I can probably shit standing up,

not sitting on the bowl totally.

So there I am kinda hovering on the bowl,

droppin' the kids off at the pool, ding, ding,

and it's kinda targeting practice as this point

besides I'm hovering.

If you're sitting down,

the hole goes right through the hole,

but now I'm just like all right and fire.

So I did it and it kinda worked out and shit

and I was sittin' there playin' with my phone.

I was playin' Scrabble while it was happening.

I was multitasking and shit,

and it was hot and I was sweatin' bullets,

especially because I'm balancin' myself.

I'm not a rest.

I'm like a skater on ice

tryin' to maintain balance the whole time.

So it's a constant workout just shitting at that point.

So I finish and whatnot, and I'm like,

all right, I'm gonna go for the wipe

and I can't do that in this standing up position,

like it's just not working and shit.

So I was like, I should just sit down.

I'm sure everything is fuckin' fine.

Don't be ridiculous.

Sit, wipe, go back, play some fuckin' poker.

So I was like all right.

Get the toilet paper wad around my hand and shit, get ready,

sit down on the toilet.

Toilet goes (imitates creaking),

but still good.

Now I'm what you call a front wiper.

I won't wipe out back

'cause there's so much chub back here

it's tough to reach around.

So what I do when I shit, I'm sittin' down,

I wipe from here like this,

and when you do that, you're wiping from back to front

and I only learned when we had Harley

and we were leaving the hospital,

the nurse was like, "Do you know how to change a baby?"

And I was like, "No, can you show us?"

And she's like, "Yeah," and she's showing us.

She's like, "You wipe from front to back,"

and I was like, "Why you do that?"

And she's like, "Because if you wipe from back to front,

"then you might get fecal matter in her vagina."

And I was like, that's why my balls smell.

(audience laughs)

I haven't been wiping properly this whole time.

So I'm givin' it the wipe and whatnot, front to back

and fuckin' back to front and drop it in there and shit,

and I was like, you know what?

I'm feelin' it pinch, little kegel in the ass.

I'm like little more, little more,

grab some toilet paper, go to dig from the back

'cause I'm not gettin' it.

There's an angle, a crevice that I'm not hittin'

and there's a rich deposit of minerals there

that I'm gonna unearth in a big, bad way.

So instead of going this way, I go this way,

so you're leaning on the toilet a little more,

and as I reach back, all of a sudden, I heard

(imitates crashing)

and I was facing down all of a sudden, man,

like Saloman race like I was in Cool Runnings.

(audience laughs)

And it all happened so fast you don't really think about it.

You're like, what the fuck happened?

Why am I lookin' at the floor?

And I looked down and the toilet is sitting in my pants,

(audience laughs)

like my pants and my underwear around my ankles,

and the toilet bowl is literally

fuckin' resting in my pants.

The toilet is wearing my clothes.

And I'm still pointed down like this

and I'm like, what's going on?

And I look back and I see that the toilet

has cracked in two on the porcelain.

So half of the little lip of porcelain is on the wall,

the other half is cracked and facing down

and the bowl is going downhill,

but it's connected by one very rickety pipe

and the contents of the bowl are going

(imitates creaking)

and I'm like oh my God, I'm gonna shit my pants.

I'm not even wearin' 'em.

(audience laughs and applauds)

So I'm just like, this is fuckin' terrible, man.

I don't know how to get outta this,

and then I fuckin' hear from the other side of the door,

(knocking)

"You okay in there?"

I was like, "Yeah, what do you mean by that?"

He's like, "Nothing, it just sounded a little noisy."

I was like, "Ah, some of us do it differently."

(audience laughs)

I was like, "Do me a favor, man.

"Can you go get Ron Dassa?

"He owns this place."

He's like, "Okay," and I hear him walk away

and I'm sittin' there going, oh my God,

Ron Dassa's comin' in, my little dick's hangin' out,

my fuckin' pants are being worn by the goddamn bowl.

I was like, I gotta do something, man.

Something's gonna happen 'cause he opens that door,

if he's got a key, I'm fucked, you know.

It's a bad view all around.

So I was like, gotta get off the bowl,

but if I get off the bowl,

it may fall into my pants and dump all the shit.

So I'm like, I gotta get off this fuckin' bowl

and I just gotta propel myself off it

like in Lethal Weapon 2.

(audience laughs)

so I'm sittin' there going like, all right, man,

do it like Roger Murtaugh did it, man.

Count down and fuckin' throw yourself off the bowl

like that's the only way you can do it.

So I slowly kinda pull my feet out of my underwear and pants

on the one side and the other and shit

and I'm walkin' like it's The Birds or something.

I can't disrupt it and shit like that,

and so now I'm just naked from the waist down and whatnot

with my sneakers on.

And I'm like, okay, I gotta do this.

I'm gonna throw myself cross, clear the toilet,

push as hard as you can with those legs,

just fuckin' boom, bullfrog it over, man.

Count of three.

One, two,

wait a second.

Is it one, two, three or do we go?

(audience claps)

Why are you doin' jokes?

Nobody's around to hear it.

That's a good point.

I was like, one, two, three,

and I fuckin' hurl myself 'cross the room,

slam into the door and shit,

quick look back and see the toilet going

(imitates squeaking)

resting in my pants, look like Humpty Dumpty.

(audience laughs)

So I was like, oh my God, I'm am soakin' wet.

My hair is so matted, my clothes are fuckin',

the clothes I'm wearing are very, very wet.

I go over and shit, lift up the bowl, slid my gear out,

fuckin' pull it on just as I hear the door and shit.

I open the door just a crack, pull Ron, grab him in.

The other guys like, "What's goin' on in there?"

Slam the door and shit.

Ron comes in and I'm like, (stutters)

I couldn't even speak.

I was, (babbles)

and he looks down and he sees this broken fuckin' toilet

sittin' on the floor and I'm covered in fuckin' sweat

and lookin' all panicky and shit. (babbles)

And he looks at the toilet and he looks at me

and I'm obviously very fuckin' shaken up and shit like that

and he thinks about the tenuous nature

of our business relationship,

which is only about two weeks old at that point,

and he goes, "Nobody ever needs to know."

(audience laughs)

I said, "Thanks, Ron."

So I had busted a flat out toilet,

so I knew what it was like to be fuckin' fat

and it didn't bug me, you know what I'm sayin'?

The Southwest thing wasn't about weight.

I was like, this fuckin' corporation lied to me and shit

and I thought that would be the story,

like fuckin' I'm gonna go out

and tell the world this corporation lied,

but I forgot the way more appetizing story is like

fat guy in a little chair.

So that's the story they wrote, man,

and it was kinda heartbreaking,

but it's the kinda shit that happens from time to time

and you have to kinda decide what to do with your life

at that point and I decided, as I said,

with the help of Malcolm Ingram, to get a fuckin' bus.

So I bought a bus, and now I own a bus

and I travel the country on a bus

and periodically from time to time

we get into misadventures on the bus.

It's just like BJ and the Bear.

(audience laughs and applauds)

One of the misadventures we got into

on the bus fairly recently happened

when I was traveling up to Canada.

I was going up to Montreal

to basically do the Just for Laughs comedy festival and shit

and I got up there.

We were drivin', Clovis is my bus driver and stuff,

and it's just me and Clovis and we brought another driver,

his name was Thomas, because we were gonna go fast

and Clovis could drive, sleep.

Thomas was drivin' while Clovis would sleep

and they could switch off.

We'd get to Montreal in like two and a half days

or something like that.

So we're drivin' up and when I drive,

I like to, you know, it's my bus, man,

and I try to be, I don't try to be a rock star,

but I try to enjoy it the way most people would

and I sit there and kinda smoke in the back and whatnot,

and I remember the first I was I did it on the rental bus,

I was real quiet about it,

stuffed pillows under the door and shit,

open the window way high,

and just some out of it the whole time

'cause I didn't want the drivers to be,

"Hey, it's affecting us back here and shit."

And Clovis, who was a driver on a rental bus

that I'd been on for a few times and shit,

one day he pulls me aside and Clovis goes,

"Kevin, you wanna smoke on the bus, man,

"just smoke on the bus.

"Like, you're rentin' the bus, you can feel free to smoke."

And I was like, "What are you talking about?

"I don't smoke, man."

(audience laughs)

And smoke was comin' outta my mouth as I said it.

And he's just like, "It's cool.

"It doesn't affect us."

I was like, "Are you sure?

"I don't want you guys to like catch a secondhand high

"and fuckin' careen into something."

And he goes, "Kevin, we drive whole rock bands.

"You're just one man.

"Smoke up, man."

He's like, "I drove Jimmy Cliff, motherfucker.

"You can do no damage."

So I sit in the back of the bus

and as we cross this great land of ours and shit,

I like to imbibe and kinda write and create

and look at the landscape as it goes and whatnot,

but as soon as I head up to the Canadian border,

I'm not havin' nothing on that fuckin' bus

'cause I like goin' to Canada, you know what I'm sayin'?

I'm not fuckin' around in any way, shape, or form.

I go up fuckin' clean because bringin' weed to Canada

is like bringin' sand to the beach anyway.

It's like once I get up there, it's gonna be fine and shit.

So divest myself of all weed

by the time we get to the border every time out and shit,

and usually what happens is you get up to the border,

I'll be in the back sleepin' or something,

Clovis gives over the passports,

the guy'll look at the passports,

he'll be like, "Kevin Smith, that Kevin Smith?

"Like the fat Kevin Smith?"

And he's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

He's like, "Is he in there?"

And they're like, "Yeah."

Is like, "Can we come on the bus?"

And he's like, "Yeah."

So one day, like Clovis always tells me,

he's just like give me the passports.

If there's trouble, if they need to see you,

I'll come knock on your door.

So we're sleepin' in the back and shit, me and Jen.

All of a sudden, I heard us pull in, stop,

I know what's goin' on and shit.

I know that they're showin' the passports.

Then I hear some walkin'.

Then I hear

(knocking)

on our back door

and I go and open the door

and it's two border guards with massive machine guns

and I swing the door a little wide and I'm lookin' at 'em.

They go, "Hey, man, we're huge fans."

(audience laughs)

And I was like, "Thank God."

And Jen's wakin' up, she's goin', "Who is it?

"What the fuck?"

'Cause there's two dudes in the doorway

with machine guns leering at her husband and whatnot,

and so I've been crossin' the border,

I know what it's generally like,

and this time I'm like I'm gonna sit up front with you guys

so you don't have to come look for me or anything like that,

get this over with quick so we can get up to Montreal,

do the festival and shit.

And we get up to the border crossing.

I think it's called Lansdowne, Ontario.

Guy takes the passports and stuff.

He's like, "There's three passports.

"Where's the other person?"

I was like, "Oh, it's Thomas.

"He's in the back sleepin'."

He was like, "Can you get him?"

So all right, go get Thomas, Thomas comes out, waves hello,

and the guy goes, "Okay, your bus,

"I'm gonna need you to pull over here into this other lane

"and just wait for further instructions."

I was like all right 'cause it happens from time to time,

like those dudes come on and wanna say hi and shit.

So I'm sittin' and whatnot.

Three dudes come.

There's one looks like fuckin' Tom Cruise in Taps.

Like, he's ready to go, ready to get it on, man,

just like Hicks in fuckin' Alien and shit, or Hudson rather.

So open the door to him.

He takes a half step into the bus and he goes,

"I smell dope."

And I didn't know what to say 'cause I don't like.

Like, I'm compulsively honest so I was like,

"Well, I enjoy marijuana

"but there's none of this bus, officer."

And he goes, "I'm sure, I'm sure.

"Can you guys get off the bus please?"

And I was like, "All right."

So we get off the bus and whatnot

and I'm wearing my pajamas and my slippers

and a bathrobe and shit.

We go outside, they ask our names,

give 'em a passport.

"Do you have anything in your pockets, anything?"

"Nothing, nothing."

He's like, "Okay, you guys go into Passport Control,

"wait for us, we're gonna do the bus."

I was like, "Yeah, feel free" and shit.

Went in to Passport Control,

sat down and shit, lookin' around.

People behind the counter are like noddin' and shit,

like a little recognition, like hey, it's that guy.

I was like, "Hello."

And I'm sittin' there and in about 20 minutes,

I start closin' my eyes and shit

and then I hear the door

and I look over and it's the guy,

the fuckin' hotshot dude ready to go and shit,

and he's like, "Sir, can you stand up please?"

And I thought he was talkin' to one of the other dudes

and then I noticed he was standin' in front of me.

I was like, "Me?"

And he's like, "Yeah, stand up."

And I was like, "Oh, totally," and I stood up.

And he's like, "Can you turn around

"and face the wall please?"

And I said, "Uh, yeah, sure, I can totally do that, yeah."

And he's like, "Can you put your arm behind you please

"with your thumb out?"

And at this point, I'm like this sounds like that moment

in Cops before, click, and then suddenly,

I was wearin' a fuckin' bracelet.

Dude literally slapped a bracelet on me and shit,

and then he's like, "Give me the other hand."

And I put it back, he clicked both on,

and he goes, "You're under arrest for smuggling.

"Come with me, we're gonna put you in a cell."

And I was like, what the fuck?

Dude took me three feet and he's like,

"Okay, here's the cell, we're gonna take the cuffs off now."

(audience laughs)

I go, "Really?"

He goes, "Yeah, I think we can trust you.

"You're not givin' me a hard time and all."

I was like, "How could I have given you a hard time

"in the 30 seconds we just met?"

He's like, "I need you to lean against the wall.

"I gotta pat you down."

I was like, "Okay."

And I lean against the wall on my head

and he's going, "Not on your head."

He's going, "Get closer."

I was like, "Okay."

He said, "Open your legs."

I said, "Okay."

And he said, "Lean," and I did this,

and he goes, "Not with your head."

I said, "Okay," so I lean on my stomach instead.

And he's going, "Just stand up," and I stood up,

and then he starts pattin' me down and shit

and I've been pat down in the fuckin' airport

and places like that but never like this.

This was the serious pat down

where he literally lifted my boob

and went like this under it

like on that line that never sees the light of day

where all the deep sea animals live,

like right in the Mariana Trench down here and shit.

Picked the other one up, looked up that,

picked up my gut and shit

and I got excited 'cause I was like,

we gonna drop it on some fucker's head like Malcolm?

(audience laughs and applauds)

Dude literally fuckin' picked up my gut and shit like that

and was feelin' under it

like where it hangs over and whatnot.

Then he reached down to my crotch

and he starts goin' hardcore, man,

and I'm not kiddin', I'm not exaggerating.

Like, this right here?

He was doin' it big time,

digging, goin' into my taint and shit

or my (speaks foreign language) if you will,

diggin' over here to the side,

movin' leg flab to touch in the line and shit like that.

I'd been married almost 12 years.

My wife never touched me this good.

This dude was up in my shit hardcore

and I'm talkin' about a good minute long frisk

of this one area and nothing untoward.

He wasn't like, "I love dick, did you know that?"

Like, nothing like that.

Very professional and shit, but he's doin' this,

every nook and cranny,

and then he stops, cupping it like this,

kinda the way like if I follow my wife up a staircase,

I put my hand between her legs and cup her pussy

like just as like I love you and I love touching your pussy,

that kinda thing.

This was dude was doin' in from this side,

not from behind me.

He literally had my junk cupped

and I swear to you he goes, "What is this?"

(audience laughs)

And I was like, what do I do in this moment?

Do I play a scared straight dude

who'd give 'em the right answer

or do I fuckin' be myself?

And I was like I gotta honor myself, be myself,

and I was like "It's my dick."

And he goes, "Oh, okay, sorry," and he takes his hand away.

(audience laughs)

And if I wasn't so fuckin' scared, man,

or terrified that I was gonna be arrested and shit,

I definitely woulda just asked that guy flat out like,

does it not feel like a dick?

Like, in the middle of this,

possibly the worst moment of my life,

like suddenly the dude gave me more shit to deal with.

He's like, "You're under arrest for smuggling,

"and guess what?

"What you have doesn't count as a dick.

"This is the dick chart.

"You're nowhere on this chart.

"Are you smuggling a dick into the country?

"'Cause I see no evidence of it here."

So the dude takes my cuffs off and I sit down.

He's going, "You're being arrested for smuggling."

I said, "Uh, I don't know anything about it."

He goes, "You might wanna tell that to your lawyer.

"Would you like us to call someone?"

I said, "Yeah, this is my lawyer, John Slaws,"

and they go to call 'em.

Another guy comes in.

He's like, "Hey, I'm with immigration.

"Based on the Geneva Convention and stuff,

"I'm supposed to ask you, do you wanna call

"somebody from the US Embassy?"

And I go, "Um," and I'm sweatin' fuckin' bullets, man,

'cause I'm like Kafka at this moment, it's Kafkaesque.

I don't know what's goin' on.

Like, I don't know why I'm being arrested,

and all I could think in that cell as I was sittin' there

as they're talkin' to me and shit like that,

I was like, what did they find on the bus?

Did they find my fleshlight?

(audience laughs)

Like, is that it?

They were like, "What's this?

"Hey, there's a hidden pussy in here!

"He's smugglin' pussy."

And then I was hopin' they didn't it

because I'd used it and didn't clean it out.

And then I was sittin' there fantasizing

about the guy going, "What's this?"

Pfft, you know, "Ah!"

(audience applauds)

Just kinda hopin' for an Elmer Fudd type thing, right?

But I'm like, what the fuck, smuggled?

What are they talking about?

I have no idea and shit.

So the dude, they close me into the cell.

They're like, "We'll be back.

"We're gonna bring out the dogs

"and go over the bus thoroughly."

I said, "Okay."

I'm sittin' there and I'm just thinkin',

wow, life's about to irrevocably change.

Like, everything's gonna be different, man,

and in that moment, I was gettin' panicked

and the weed part of me took over

and there was something in my head that goes,

"Hey, man, everything's gonna be fine."

And I was like, "Is it, weedy?"

And they were like, "Yeah.

"Yeah, don't worry about it

"'cause if you get outta this,

"it'll make a great story for the Q,A."

So I was like, yeah,

and then I got calm and shit and relaxed

and the door would open every five to 10 minutes

and a tall guy with machine gun, Canadian dude,

would be like, "You okay in here?"

And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm really okay."

He's like, "Can I get you some water?"

I said, "Yeah, yeah, I'll take some water."

And go away and come back with Dixie cups of water,

give 'em to me and shit.

He's like, "Okay," close the door and shit.

I'd sit there, drink my water.

10 minutes later, he'd open the door.

He's like, "Are you okay?"

And I was like, "Yeah, man, I'm good."

He's like, "You need anything?"

I was like, "Can you let me go?"

He's like, "No."

I was like, "Okay, I'm good,"

and he closed the door and shit.

Sat there drinkin' my water, thinking about

like how can I gonna explain this to my wife and kid?

And blah, blah, blah.

Door opens up and it's the dude again.

He's like, "You all right?"

And I was like, "Yeah, man, I'm totally fine, man.

"What's goin' on?"

He's like, "Well, as per the Geneva Convention,

"you're American, we're Canadians,

"we have to ask you all the time if you're okay.

"We have to periodically check in on you.

"Make sure you're not doing any harm to yourself."

And I was like, "Oh, no, no,

"I would never do something like that."

He's like, "Yeah, but just to be sure,

"can we have your slippers please?"

And I was like, "They don't even have laces in 'em, dude.

"I can't hang myself with a pair of low cut Uggs,

"like there's no way.

"They're just furry."

He's like, "Yeah, it's a standard procedure."

And I gave him by shit and shit, they closed the door.

They open the door again, they're like,

"The lawyer's on the phone."

I get up, go talk to my lawyer John Slaws,

and I'm like, "Man, I'm in jail."

And he's like, "I gathered that much."

And I was like, "What are we gonna do?"

He's like, "Well, I'm gonna get somebody up there

"to kinda intervene.

"I'm an entertainment lawyer

"so I don't know what to tell ya and shit."

He's going, "I can negotiate this

"if it turns into a movie deal."

(audience laughs)

So he's like, "I'm gonna find us a guy.

"He's the best in Canada.

"He'll be your defense.

"He'll be callin' next."

I go back to my cell, they get me again,

they're like, "This dude Eddie Greenspan is on the phone."

I said, "Okay," I go over and talk to Eddie Greenspan

and he goes, "First off, just to reassure you,

"just so you're feelin' okay, you're not gonna go to jail."

I was like, "Oh, okay, that's good."

He's like, "They're probably gonna come tell you

"that they found about 8.5 grams

"of what could be an alleged marijuana type substance."

And I go, "They found weed?"

And he goes, "Shut up."

He says, "It's alleged, but they're gonna tell you soon

"and I'm pretty sure they're gonna tell you

"that everything's gonna be okay.

"I'm gonna give you a call back in five minutes and shit."

And I hung up, I went back to my room and shit.

Dude comes into the room and he's holdin' this canister

and he's going, "Okay, we did a search on the bus,

"brought the dogs on, and we found this."

He's holdin' up this kinda canister

and it's got some stuff in it

kind of crumpled up at the bottom,

looks like weed and shit like that.

Also has a little straw in it.

And so I was like, "Oh man,"

'cause I kinda recognized it.

It wasn't mine, but I knew

that it'd been on the bus months before

and there was a moment when my kid

was comin' on the bus with a friend to show 'em the bus

and I saw my weed sittin' there.

I was like, "Aw, fuck, man, can you hide this?" to somebody,

and they hide it and I forgot it.

So as I crossed the border, they went on the bus,

and they're like, "What's this then?"

And I was like, "Well, I know what it is,

"but I don't know what it's doin' here, man.

"I don't know."

And I'm like, "I don't know if I should,"

and he's going, "Is this yours?"

And I go, "Um, I don't think I should answer that, right?

"Moments like this, you're not supposed to do that?"

He goes, "Maybe."

(audience laughs)

He goes, "Let me ask you this."

He's going, "Do you know what this is?"

And I go, "I think it's marijuana."

He goes, "How do you think that?"

I was like, "I could smell it from here."

And he goes, "Okay, but what I wanna know about

"is there's a straw in here," and he opens it up.

He's like, "What's this straw for?"

It's a straw, it's about this big,

it looks like a regular drinking straw

that's been cut in half and if you look at it,

it looks unsavory like a coke straw.

It looks maybe like hey, man, I lots of blow on the bus,

but it comes inside the cone,

the pre-rolled wrapping paper that I use for weed.

Basically, the straw's in it to keep it open,

pour the weed it, use the straw to tamp it down,

twist it closed, you're good to go.

You start smokin', you're high, you're a god.

So anyway.

I said, "I'm not sure, but if I had to guess,

"I think that straw would be used

"for tamping weed down in a cigarette of some sort,

"if I had to guess."

And he goes, "Well, what else is this straw used for?"

And I was like, "I have no idea."

He's going, "What if I test it?"

And I was like, "I'm sure you'd find nothing."

He's going, "Are you snorting marijuana with this straw?"

(audience laughs)

And I said, "Like I said, I don't even know who's that is.

"I'm shocked that it's here and whatnot."

And he goes, "Okay, well, I'm gonna test the straw

"and if there's something on it,

"you might wanna tell me about it right now."

I said, "What would be on it?

"Test it, dude, I don't even know what that is."

And he's just like, "I did test it already."

And he's like, "It tested positive for ecstasy, eh."

And I was just like, "I don't know anyone

"that does ecstasy."

He's like, "I thought you said this wasn't yours."

And I was like, "Ah!"

I said, "Yeah, it's not mine."

And he's going, "Okay, we're gonna tear that bus apart.

"Is there any hidden safes in there?

"Anything you wanna tell me about?"

And I was like, "No, dude,

"I didn't even know that shit was there."

And he was like, "All right."

He leaves.

Eddie Greenspan calls, they bring me over to the other cell.

He's like, "Everything's fine, don't worry.

"They found 8.5 grams of weed.

"You're not gonna be charged, don't worry.

"They're gonna tell you in two minutes.

"Have a good trip up to Montreal.

"Goodbye."

And I was just like, "If I'd just held out

"for a little while longer,

"I would've saved myself a lot of money on lawyers, right?"

So I'm sittin' there going, ah, fuck.

I'm sittin' in this cell, cop comes back in

with the container and shit like that

and he's like, "Okay, I'm gonna tell you what's goin' on.

"We found 8.5 grams of a substance

"that's alleged to be marijuana in the bus.

"We're not gonna press charges.

"It's not an actionable offense,

"doesn't need to involve the Canadian criminal code,

"but there will be a fine leveled."

And I was like, "Against me?"

He's like, "Uh, no, against the bus."

(audience laughs)

And I was like, "Why the bus?"

He's like, "Because the bus was in possession of the weed."

(audience laughs)

I said, "Fair enough, Eddie Greenspan is good, man."

So the other dude, the other dude who is like

the immigration dude, he comes in and shit

and he had asked me if they wanted me to call the consulate

and in a moment of panic, I was like, "Yeah, call the US!"

And luckily, he was like, he didn't do it.

He was just like, "Normally, in this situation,

"something like this, people don't.

"I could tell you were kinda not really accustom to this."

I was like, "No, I've never been arrested before.

"This is awesome."

(audience laughs)

- He was like, "Yeah, yeah."

He's going, "But would you like to speak

"to the woman from the consulate?"

I was like, "Yeah, very briefly."

And she's like, "Mr. Smith, are you okay?

"What are the Canadians doing to you?"

(audience laughs)

I was like, "They've been great, man.

"They've been super cool, really nice,

"give me lots of Dixie cups full of water

"and shit like that."

Like, at one point, I pressed my luck.

Dude opened the door and he's like, "You good?

"You want anything?"

And I was like, "Do you have any doughnuts?"

And he goes, "Why would we have doughnuts?"

And I was like, "Well, you're Canadian

"and you're kinda cops."

And he's going, "We ate all already."

(audience laughs)

So I was like, "These guys treated me really great

"and shit like that.

"Don't worry, everything's copacetic and stuff."

And she's like, "Well, they ain't gonna let you

"into the country?"

And I was like, "Oh shit, I hadn't thought of that."

And I asked the immigration dude.

I was like, "Are you guys gonna let me in

"for that gig up in Montreal?"

And he's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

He's going, "Yeah, you're considered

"a significant benefit to the country of Canada."

(audience laughs and applauds)

So I said, "Buddy, you gotta say that again,

"but say it slower 'cause I gotta memorize this.

"What did you call me?"

He's going, "A significant benefit to Canada."

I said, "What does that mean?"

He's like, "Well, you know, you come up,

"you tell stories, and people think you're funny

"and that's good and we welcome

"that sort of thing up there."

I was like, "Can you put that on a piece of paper

"and send it to my mother?

(audience laughs)

"She would love that.

"She'd be like, 'I always knew you were special.'"

Kind of thing.

So then the dude who was the hotshot dude,

the dude who had started it all

with like, "I smell dope" and shit,

he came in to talk to me, sits down with me.

He's like, "Okay, we're gonna explain what's going on here."

I said, "Yeah, yeah."

He's going, "So there's gonna be a fine,

"220 or something like that.

"You pay that and you're gonna free to go

"and you just need to sign here and here."

And I said, "Thanks, man, thanks a lot.

"It was really cool."

And he goes, "I just wanted to tell you

"that I didn't know who you were when we arrested you."

And I was like, "Oh, dude, don't fuckin' worry about it.

"That's your job to arrest people,

"scumbags who bring drugs to Canada and stuff.

"You don't have to apologize."

He goes, "I wasn't apologizing.

"I was trying to explain to you

"I didn't know who you were.

"I didn't arrest you because of who you are.

"I just arrested you because I smelled dope."

And I was like, "Fair enough, man, fair enough.

"Thanks a lot," and they let me fuckin' back on the bus

and we hightailed it to Montreal and shit

and that was it, it was the end of my smuggling experience,

but it came on the fuckin' heels

of almost getting busted by the cops in Los Angeles as well,

but not for weed and shit like that.

I was at home in Los Angeles in my house

in my room over here, office down there.

Wife's sittin' on the couch, I'm sittin' on a bed and shit,

and we're talkin' about Red State

and I was just like, "We're gettin' closer now.

"It's bound to happen."

She's finally read it.

After three years, she gave it a read and shit,

and she's like, "Who's gonna play,"

Abin Cooper is the bad reverend in the movie and shit,

the bad guy, and I go, "Michael Parks,

"the actor Michael Parks."

She's like, "Who's that?"

I said, "That's the dude from Dusk Till Dawn,

"the opening like 10 minutes From Dusk Till Dawn.

"He's fuckin' amazing and shit."

She's like, "I don't remember that."

I was like, "Really?

"I just got the Blu-ray, let me get the Blu-ray."

And in my room, as I've said before,

103 inch television in my room,

very large TV that Panasonic gave me and shit.

It's real cool 'cause you walk up to it

and it's like life size.

As I've said before, I put in Live Free or Die Hard

and just stood next to myself.

(audience laughs)

And it was sad because I was fatter than onscreen.

I was like, oh shit, I gained weight.

So the TV's very big.

It's just like watchin' a movie

like in your house and shit like that.

So I put the opening 10 minutes

of From Dusk Till Dawn and shit

and you all familiar with it, the Gecko brothers.

First, Michael Parks comes in, everything's copacetic,

he goes to the shitter, the Gecko brothers emerge,

George Clooney and Quentin, and they're threatin' the guy,

being, "You say anything, we're kill this fuckin' chick."

He's like, "I'm not sayin' anything."

Tense standoff.

Michael Parks comes back out and shit, says a few words.

Quentin fuckin' shoots him.

All hell breaks loose.

They start fightin', people are screamin' for help and shit,

it's goin' fuckin' crazy, a hostage crisis situation

gone array and shit.

Excellent opening 10 minutes to the movie,

balls to the wall.

All of a sudden door knock at our door or bedroom and shit,

and I was, "Who is it?"

It was Harley, "It's Harley,"

and I was like, all right, so we pause it

'cause we don't let her watch R-rated shit,

not like that.

We'll show her movies where people say things

but not where people do things

'cause we don't believe in bad language in house,

like no such thing as bad language.

Bad language pays for your fuckin' salary in this house.

So anyway, she knocks, comes into the room and whatnot,

pause, we're talkin' to her,

and she's over by the couch talkin' to Jen,

I'm layin' on the bed waitin' for the movie to start again,

and Harley kinda starts lookin' out the windows.

Like, Jen's over here and she's lookin' out the windows

while she's talkin' to Jen,

and Jen's like, "What are you doing?

"Get away from the windows.

"You're all creepy like your father."

(audience laughs)

And Harley's like, "What do you mean?"

She's like, "Your father does the same thing.

"He's always gotta know what's goin' on outside.

"He's always look out, who's that on the window,

"and shit like that."

And Harley goes, "Well, I just saw Reina

"talkin' to somebody."

And I was like, "Really?

"Who is that over there?"

I climb out and get off the bed

and I'm lookin' out the window with Harley and shit

and I look out and I see Reina talking to a police officer.

Reina's our housekeeper,

and all of a sudden, the police officer looks up at me

and I was like,

(audience laughs)

wavin' at him, and he goes, "Do you live here?"

I said, "Yeah."

He goes, "Can you come down here right now

"and open this door?"

I said, "Yeah, did you guys ring the bell?"

And he goes, "Did you ring the bell?"

And then suddenly somebody steps out in the street,

it's another cop, and he goes, "No, I didn't ring the bell.

"Come down right now."

And I was like, "Okay."

And so I back away from the window

and I'm like, "There's a fuckin' cop out there

"yellin' at me and shit.

"Maybe it ain't so creepy to look out the windows

"every once in a while."

(audience laughs)

And she's like, "A cop, what are you talking about?"

And fuckin' like, "I don't know, there's a cop.

"He wants me to come down and shit."

I had just ordered Baja Fresh, picked it up as well,

Baja Fresh, Mexican place and what.

Harley had just returned home with her two friends.

They'd gone to the movies with Reina.

So I came back with Baja Fresh for everybody and shit

and those cops scared me but I was like, shit,

I gotta seem cool

'cause I'm really fuckin' stoned right now.

So I wanna seem cool and calm and causal

so I pick up a container of chicken and bring it with me.

(audience laughs)

Nothing wrong could be goin' on

if this man's holding a container of chicken.

I just wanted to seem casual as possible,

throw on my robe, grab the chicken and shit,

go open the door, and there's Harley's two friends

standing in our doorway goin' like,

"The police are pointing at us in the window

"and goin' like this.

"Should we climb out the windows?"

I was like, "Not yet, not yet, hold on.

"Let's find out," and Jen's going, "Out the windows?"

We go downstairs and shit,

get to the top of the steps,

there's about four or five steps descend

to our front door and shit in the foyer and whatnot.

And as I'm gettin' to the front door,

Reina's emerging from the garage

and Reina's English is like

broken at least to say the least.

I was like, "Reina, what did the cops want?"

She goes, "It's okay, Mr. Kevin, it's okay."

And I was like, "What the fuck's that mean, man?"

So anyway, Reina said it was okay, must be okay and shit.

So I go to open the door, behind me is my wife, my child,

her two friends, and Reina at the top of the steps,

and as I open the door, the first thing I see

are two of LA's finest in blues go like this.

Hand on their hip,

the little latch thing that keeps your gun open,

and one hand extended out to me

and the guy's going, "How many people in the house?"

And I go, "Oh shit,

"I didn't know there was gonna be math on the quiz."

I said, "Let me see.

"There's me, there's my wife, there's Harley,

"her two friends, Reina right now.

"I think there's six in the house."

He's like, "Come outside.

"Can you step outside right now please?"

I said, "Yeah, yeah, totally."

And we come outside, and he's like,

"Can you step over here please?"

I said, "Yeah," and they're separating the kids from us

and my kid starts gettin' really emotional.

She's (breathes heavily), "What's goin' on?"

I was like, "I don't know, I'm sure everything's fine."

He's like, "What's goin' on, hon, are you okay?

"Are you upset, what's the matter with these people?"

And I'm like, "These people, what are you talkin' about?"

And then the one cop comes up to me.

He's like, "We got a call for an emergency.

"Somebody was callin' for help inside the house,

"that were being held hostage."

And I was like, "You're kiddin' me, man.

"No," I said, "I just literally went and got Baja Fresh.

"You can see I'm holding chicken!"

(audience laughs)

I said, "The kids, they just got back

"from seein' a movie and shit.

"I don't know who woulda made the call,"

and I immediately turn to the kids,

"Did you fuckin' all the cops?"

And one of the kids, not my kid

who was fallin' to pieces and shit,

the other girl was like, "No way, man.

"We would never do that, I'm serious.

"We had nothing to do."

She could see that I was like,

this better not be a fuckin' joke.

The cops are here.

And she's like, "No, no, we didn't."

I was like, "Officer, they said they didn't call the cops.

"I didn't call the cops, my wife didn't call the cops,

"Reina didn't call the cops.

"We're the only ones here."

And then another cop comes over.

He goes, "It didn't come from inside the house.

"Somebody was walking down your hill,

"they heard somebody expressly screaming for help,

"and they called us and that's why we're here.

"Now what's goin' on in there?"

And I go, "Wait, somebody outside the house?"

He goes, "Yeah."

I go, "Are you guys lookin'

"for the fuckin' Gecko brothers by any chance?"

(audience laughs)

And he goes, "What are you talkin' about?"

And I was just like, "Guys,

"I have a 103 inch television, man.

"It's very fuckin' loud and I was talkin' to my wife,

"I was showin' her the opening from From Dusk Till Dawn

"and that is a hostage situation with gun play

"and people screaming for help and shit like that."

And the older cop to the younger cop, he goes,

"Is this true?"

And the younger cop goes,

"Yeah, it was the best part of the movie, boss."

(audience laughs and applauds)

I said, "I swear to you it's just the TV, man."

And he's just like, "Well, we gotta make sure of that,

"you understand."

I was like, "Yeah, totally, do what you gotta."

But the whole time I'm thinkin',

did I leave weed on my desk?

Because what they're doing now is moving into the house.

They tell us, "We're gonna move into the house

"and check it out" because as far as they know,

we're outside going, "Everything's fine,"

and somebody's right behind the door

with a gun to our other kid goin' like,

"They better not fuck up."

Their training tells 'em to go in, clear the fuckin' house.

So the dude's like, "We're gonna go in and clear the house,

"make sure everything's copacetic,"

and I was like, "Oh shit."

And I'm startin' to think about

all the Law , Order I've ever watched

and I'm like, if they find weed while they're trying

to make we're not gettin' killed in the house,

can I get arrested for that?

And tryin' to like think and do the math in my head

and all of a sudden, I look down the hill.

There's two cop cars there.

Up the hill, there's another cop car.

We have 12 cops in blue outside of our house

and our neighbors are startin' to emerge from their house,

including the cherry wood couple.

(audience laughs)

And you could see 'em lookin' at us going,

"I knew it.

"Stoner."

And so finally traffic is startin'

to come down our hill and they're slowin' and lookin' at us.

It's only a matter of time before TMZ shows up.

So I said to the one guy, dude in charge,

I was like, "Officer, I don't know how to say this,

"but this is my house.

"Can we just go inside in the foyer though?

"'Cause my neighbors are startin' to like look.

"This is kinda embarrassing.

"I'm out here in a bathrobe.

"I'm still holdin' this chicken clearly."

And he's like, "Yeha, okay,

"let's move you all into the foyer."

And Harley's like really full crying now.

She's (breathes heavily).

She doesn't know what the fuck's goin' on and shit,

and so I'm holdin' Harley and the one cop keeps goin',

"Why are you so upset, hon, are you okay?"

And I was just like, "Yeah, she's totally fine."

He's like, "I wasn't talkin' to you, sir."

And he's like, "Do you live here, hon?"

And she's like, "I do."

And I was like, "Yeah, she does."

And right behind us in the foyer

is a nine foot portrait of Harley.

(audience laughs)

Massive, fuckin' thing is huge and shit,

so I'm like, "Look, dude, that's her.

"Like this, that's her, that's her like five years ago.

"This is her house."

And he goes, "Oh, I'm sure she lives here."

And I was like, "You don't think I live here?"

And I was like, shit, where's my nine foot painting?

And there was none, so I was like, "Wait a second, man.

"Over there, over there on the bookshelf,

"there's a little picture of me and that lady

"kissin' this girl," and he looks

and he's like, "Yeah, it's his house,"

and the other cop recognized me.

Some of the other cops did as well.

But meanwhile, one cop's makin' his way up the steps

to my second floor,

and if he hits the second floor of my house,

he's gonna hit a fuckin' wave of THC.

It just lingers right outside my office.

You get up to the top and be like,

(moans) and pass out and shit.

So I'm like, oh, I hope he don't go up the steps.

He's startin' to make the move up the steps,

but mercifully my wife, my wonderful, God love her,

beautiful wife who fucks like a demon

but she's a wonderful human being,

(audience applauds)

my beautiful wife years and years ago

when we first moved into the house,

she's like, "I'm gonna start a family wall."

And I was like, "What's a family wall?"

She's like, "I'm gonna put all these pictures

"about our family up this hallway and up this hallway

"and it's gonna tell the story of our lives."

And I was like, "That sounds like a lot of work and shit."

And she, "You don't have to do anything."

I said, "Okay, that sounds good."

And it's amazing, it's wonderful.

I like to get stoned and just stare at family wall.

It's just like you get to watch our lives develop

and shit like that.

Mercifully, she built family wall

because the officer's on the third step and he goes,

"Oh, he lives here," 'cause there's me in every picture

and a couple news articles and shit.

So he's like, "I think we're good,"

and he starts backin' down the stairs

and I'm like, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God.

So the dude comes over and he's just like,

"Everything copacetic then?"

I said, "Yeah."

He's like, "Sorry, we just have to follow procedure."

I was like, "Dude, you don't have to apologize.

"You come into my house,

"force me out of it any time you want,

"make sure there are no killers lurkin' behind closets.

"You wanna check the toilet for sharks, feel free.

(audience laughs)

"You're the LAPD.

"You guys do what you want and shit."

And he was like, "Right on.

"We thank you for your assistance

"and sorry to bother you."

I was like, "Thanks, thanks, thanks."

They left, we closed the door and shit,

and Jen looks at me and I was like,

"So anyway, Michael Parks is the guy

"who's gonna be in Red State."

(audience laughs and applauds)

I've spent a lot of lovely time with you people,

but it's gonna be very much time to go soon,

but did I answer your one question?

(audience laughs)

(audience cheers)

Well, it's called Q,A,

one Q, one A.

After the year I had, ladies and gentlemen,

even though it is my birthday,

I think it would be terribly, terribly irresponsible of me

to be thinking about cake at this time.

After the too fat to fly thing,

I've kinda given up some sweets.

I'm not desperately tryin' to lose weight,

but I am watchin' my figure a little bit more,

so even though I am 40

and I've made it 40 years on this Earth,

the idea of fuckin' having a cake right now,

I don't need to be photographed publicly

shoving fuckin' cake into my mouth ever again,

so we were gonna completely do away

with doing a cake and shit

and then I remembered in this life,

if you don't celebrate yourself,

nobody will, so.

(audience cheers)

I asked them to make me a cake and they did.

(audience cheers and applauds)

Thank you for comin' out tonight.

You guys have been such a great fuckin' audience.

Thank you for the first 40 years.

Hopefully, we get another 40.

I love you all.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, Jen.

There's the pussy I came from.

There's the pussy I'm goin' to tonight.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight!

(audience cheers and applauds)

(powerful rock music)