Original subtitles

So, you'll be pleased to hear Rupert has decided

to promote you to divisional officer.

What?

Do you mind if I take your photo? It's for GCHQ magazine.

Sure. Is it for the cover?

No, that's a picture of a horse drinking from a pond.

-[camera shutter clicks] -Wait, I wasn't ready. Do it again.

I can keep taking 'em if you wanna carry on talking.

Oh, great, yeah.

So, is it specifically to do with last week's success,

or more for generally being awesome all year round?

Hard to tell if it's either.

Still, it'll be nice to finally have you under me.

Not quite. I don't think that's ever gonna happen.

What about a company car?

There's a department Toyota Yaris

but the passenger seat's stuck in recline.

But you'll have unlimited access to Evelyn, of course.

-These are so great. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Here, how about…

I saw this in a magazine once. Just like…

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. -More like, uh… Ryan Gosling.

-Oh, yeah. Love that, love that. -[Chris] You carry on.

[camera shutter clicks]

-How's your mum doing, by the way? -Okay.

She won't leave the house without an axe

and has started having flashbacks,

but at least she's stopped humping everything.

[thudding]

-Anything else? -Er, yeah. Anything else?

[Mary] A report just came in about a plane

trapped in a holding pattern above Heathrow because of a cockpit bug.

So they may have to jump? I had a friend who survived a fall from that height,

but I think it was because he landed in Lake Geneva.

Impossible. Hitting water at that height would be like hitting concrete.

He landed in water.

Send it through to Programming Support.

Yeah, Mary. Send it through to Programming Support.

[Chris] As some of you may have noticed,

Jerry has been offered a promotion following last week's victory.

Aww, that's… I just wanna say

that up to a point, I really could not have done it

without all of your help, so, thank you, up to a point.

Gosh, I haven't been promoted in nearly 35 years!

Oh, I think that's just because no one expected you to outlive the system.

-Thank you. -So you will be above Chris?

-Yeah, maybe. -Sadly not.

Well, we're just… It's still getting worked out.

Uh, plus you should know, I'm also being considered

for an extremely senior position back at the NSA.

It's kinda like total vindication.

-[Mary] Gosh! -How senior are we talking?

-I think even older than Mary. -Maybe I should apply?

No, actually these kinds of roles are only available to men.

-You'd be surprised. -Actually, Chris, you know,

I don't really see you as a woman any more.

No, I'm beginning to see you as an equal.

Will you take the job?

I don't know. Why, would you miss me if I did?

Yeah.

-[door opens] -[Joseph] Ah! Morning!

Joseph, you know you've been fired.

I know. It's just, my pass still works.

You can't keep wandering in whenever you feel like it.

I know, I just… Sorry, Mary,

-do you mind if I leave that with you? -What's that?

-I'm just organizing a little whip-round. -For yourself?

-Yeah. -These are not for personal use.

We only use these during a domestic atrocity.

-Is that why you're leaving? -By the way,

one thing I forgot to ask, just as another way around it, Chris.

-Would you object to me working from home? -Yes, you've been fired.

-Even if I work from home? -Yes,

it was your inadequacy that got you fired, not where you sit.

-Right. -Ouch!

-But seriously, are you doing okay? -Yeah.

Maybe you and Jerry could have a joint party?

-Why, have you been fired as well? -No, I've been promoted.

It's kinda like the opposite.

In fact, I get to put my own team together.

That'll be all, Joseph.

Actually, Chris, I mean, as Joseph's here,

I could really use someone to help categorize all the Korean chatter.

Joseph doesn't work here anymore.

I mean, I don't speak Korean but Jay-Wu might give you a hand.

-He works in the canteen. -He wouldn't have the clearance!

He's also completely blind.

Isn't that an advantage when you're handling

-sensitive material? -[Chris] Not always.

Maybe he could help me during lunch breaks?

-Sorry, are we talking about me or Jay-Wu? -Jay-Wu. You've been fired.

He doesn't get a lunch break, he works in the canteen!

-Does he get any kind of break? -He's completely blind.

-Okay, back to work. -[Joseph] I agree.

-Not you! -Not me, I'm sorry.

-[Jerry] Bye, buddy. -Thank you.

-Jerry? -[karate grunts]

-No, it's me! -[sighs] Man!

[Joseph] Close the blinds.

-[exhales deeply] -No, no.

Oh, sorry.

[exhales]

-What's going on? -Oh, I just fancied a little chat, really.

So this new promotion, does it come with, like, a big pay rise or what?

Oh, yeah, it's, like, off the charts. It's, like, silly money.

-Oh, wow. How silly? -I might… I might buy The Citrus.

-The whole hotel? -Yeah!

If I can't find another job, I might genuinely need somewhere to stay…

Well, if we're not sold out, I mean…

Do you know of anyone hiring at the moment?

Okay.

So, I don't know how you're gonna feel about this.

[exhales]

But I've been giving it a lot of thought.

-You have? -And given your experience

working here at GCHQ…

-Yes? -Well, I mean,

how would you feel about going undercover as a terrorist?

Well…

I don't think I'd be tall enough, Jerry.

Oh, actually, from our point of view, a short terrorist is a good thing,

'cause you're always looking up, which is great for CCTV.

-Have you ever fired a gun? -No. No, no, no.

Well, one time when I was a cub,

someone brought air rifles in, but none of them worked

and akela nearly exploded, so…

Yeah, I didn't understand a word of that.

Okay, I'm gonna throw this out there,

given that you've been promoted and are forming a new team,

would you consider hiring me?

[laughs]

-You all right? -[clears throat]

Uh…

Um, yeah.

Yeah! I'd consider it. I mean, I'd have to talk to Chris…

-[sighs] -…first.

I'd worry about how that might look.

Because we used to be married?

No, and I swear to God, you bring that up one more time…

Okay, okay.

I meant more in terms of your lack of ability.

Apart from GCHQ, what genuinely makes you happy?

[exhales] Charlotte, obviously. Um…

-And you. -Yeah.

-I don't know what I'm gonna do. -Okay, I'll tell you what.

-Listen, I'll talk to Chris. -Thank you, Jerry!

-I just can't promise anything. Okay? -Yeah.

Oh, I wish there was anything else you could do!

Is it okay if I took the cables?

Take what you like.

-Hey. Are you Joseph? -Uh… yes.

-Are you here to fix the photocopier? -No, you're in my seat.

[Joseph] Oh, sorry, gosh.

So, are you, like, the new me?

What do you think?

I don't know.

-[Joseph] That's how it goes… -It's all right.

[thudding, clattering]

-[Joseph] You all right? -Yeah. Does this go any lower?

[Joseph] Um… It should do. Though, for a while, I had the valve blocked

'cause I read if you adjust it too much, it gives you spina bifida.

Okay. Fine.

-Hello. I'm Mary, by the way. -Hi.

-That's a very realistic wig. -It's not a wig.

Do you need me to show you where the toilet is?

No, I need you to fuck off.

It's great to have you on the team, Jerry.

We'll celebrate when I'm back.

Sounds good!

And, Chris, you know where to find me

-if you need me. -[Chris] Yes.

-[horse whinnies] -Whoa!

The Canadian Rockies.

So, listen, would it make things easier

-if, from now on, I sat in your chair? -No.

I just thought, now that we're on the same pay grade--

We're not, and that's not how it works.

Well, do you think I can, like, have a little spin around in it?

Jerry!

-Fine. Oh, my God, a spider! -What do you want, Jerry?

Um… So, uh… Got it.

-So, listen, um, it's about Joseph. -Is he still in the building?

-Yeah, I can't get him to leave. -Have you tried the window?

I was thinking there might be another way.

The roof.

-You don't want that, do you? -[knocking on door]

-Sorry, give me two secs. -Fuck off.

Yes. Yeah.

Hey…

Nice to see you again.

[Chris] Okay, I'll cut to the chase.

Assuming Jerry retains his elevated status here at GCHQ,

which, given abysmal decisions like this, I'd say, won't be for long,

he has requested you as his new PA.

-[Joseph] You're kidding. -Sadly not.

Does it require any formal training?

No. So far, as I can tell, it doesn't require any training.

You were designed for this, buddy.

[laughs] I don't know what to say.

-Thank you so much! Thank you. -I got your back.

-Well, don't get too comfortable. -I won't.

-The NRA just called. -Oh, has my membership lapsed?

-Oh, no, sorry I mean the NSA. -Jesus.

-Did I get the job? -What job?

The job at the NSA.

What NSA job? Is this the same as my new job?

-What new job? -I've been given a PA.

-You've been made a PA. -Isn't it the same thing?

-What about me? -What do you mean?

-Do I get a PA? -You are a PA.

Never mind any of that.

-What did they say? -Who?

The NRA!

-[both] NSA! -Oh. You got the job.

-Yes! -Well, that didn't last long.

It was a blast.

-Hey. I didn't think you'd come. -Neither did I.

-Oh, wow. Wow! -We couldn't work out what to wear

so we thought we'd play it safe.

Jerry's gonna love it!

-Thank you. -I'm on anti-depressants.

Have you got a bowl for these keys?

Um…

Just uh… some nibbles.

Help yourself.

So is this a surprise party or a leaving do?

I'd rather we didn't call it anything until we know who's leaving.

-Well, you, for starters… -[Evelyn] You're leaving again?

Is that the surprise?

I thought it might be a nice way

to show Jerry how appreciative we are of him being here.

-Before he leaves? -Yeah, or… if he decides to stay.

-And make you his PA? -I should think that's unlikely now.

Well, anything's possible.

Conjoined twins are unlikely, but we've actually got four sets in our church.

-Well, there you go, yeah. -I'm actually so confused.

[crunches]

[knock at door]

-[Joseph] Hey! -[Jerry] Oh, hey.

I didn't know if I had the right place.

So are all these buildings finished?

Yeah.

-Come in. -Yeah.

-Can you, uh… -Yeah, sure. Yeah.

So, you know, I'm actually glad it's just gonna be the two of us,

'cause, um… I wanted you to be the first to know that I decided--

-[Mary] Surprise! -Jesus, fuck!

It's Mary! It's Mary, Jerry.

I thought it was The Purge or something.

What…

What… You guys, you shouldn't have!

Wait. Is this my going-away party?

Well, at first, it was gonna be mine, and then it wasn't gonna be anyone's.

And now I guess it's… well, it's up to you!

So, yes! [laughs] That is so sweet!

-[knocking at door] -Sorry, I… Sorry, two seconds.

Quentin's here.

-Yay. -[door closes]

-[chuckles] Look at you. -Ooh, what's that muck there?

I don't know, everyone's been clumping around in their shoes and stuff.

-So, who here do you already know? -Only Superman and Wonder Woman.

Just so you're not disappointed, they're not the actual ones.

When do you wanna set alight to this?

Oh. And you're sure it's a celebratory thing?

Yeah, people are doing it on the Internet all the time.

Okay, I think save it for the end.

Nice way to finish off. So we've got celery, carrot, cucumber.

So you've made your final decision?

I don't know. [sighs] Maybe I'll stay just to piss you off.

-That would be very fitting. -[chuckles]

As long as you know who you can trust.

[song playing on stereo]

You know, despite your cold, brittle, impenetrable shell, Chris…

I always suspected there was something soft,

warm and gooey lurking inside.

Easy mistake to make.

[chuckles]

["Karma Chameleon" playing]

At least this time, I'll be heading back on my own terms,

instead of them trying to extradite me.

That actually happened to one of my African Brownies.

Are you allowed to call them that?

Thankfully, she ended up catching sepsis on a tree stump,

so she wasn't allowed on the plane.

-Shall we get a drink? -Oh, thank you!

-Hey, you all right? -Hey. What's that?

Oh, that is a hummus fountain thing.

[sighs] This is nice. Are you having a good time?

Yeah, I wish we'd done this more often.

-Well, we can if you stay! -Where do you keep your bread?

-[Joseph] Um, it's just-- -[Jerry] Hello?

-Sorry, yeah. Sorry. -Jerry Bernstein.

-You must be Charlene. -Charlotte.

-Charlot. -As in the potato.

What… what… what's that?

-You've not heard of potatoes? -I… I… [laughs]

-You're, um… so you're tall. -Mmm.

-Always have been. -[both] Yeah.

-Your poor mother! -She was even taller than me.

Oh, well, of course, obviously.

I mean, otherwise how would you have, you know, like,

come out… is what I…

Anyway, I'm so… so glad

you're gonna be looking after my buddy here.

-That's a long commitment. -Well… hopefully.

-Could be. -No, it is.

-It is. -Okay.

-I might just go to the toilet. -You all right?

-Yeah. -Good.

-Fuck, I'm so sorry. -No, it's all right.

-I totally messed that up. -It's fine.

Hi!

I hope you don't mind, but I just did a wee in your garden.

I don't have a garden.

I… Quentin?

Hopefully, it was just a wee!

["The Loco-Motion" playing]

I don't know if now is a good time, but here you go…

[Joseph] That's so kind.

[Mary] Sorry it's not much. It's whatshisname who I like.

Benedict Cumberbatch.

-Oh, I love him! -Yes, she loves him.

Is that about the guy in the wheelchair?

-That's Stephen Hawking. -Such a great actor.

-Did he used to work at GCHQ? -No.

I think he passed away quite a few years ago now.

Benedict Cumberbatch?

-So did you guys get anything for me? -Therapy.

Cool!

What?

I don't know about you, but I'd like to propose a toast.

Chrissy, come on, you don't have to do that.

To Joseph.

[others] To Joseph.

They parted at last, with mutual civility,

and possibly a mutual desire of never meeting again.

Aww, Chris!

That is so sweet.

-Was that Britney? -Not quite. Jane Austen.

Yes, of course. Either way, I knew it had to be written by a woman.

Well, I'd like to say something, if I may?

-About me? Or you? -Yep.

Uh… This is open to interpretation.

[clears throat] We go together…

like… rama lama lama…

ka dinga da dinga dong.

Remembered forever…

as shoo-bop… sha wadda wadda

yippity boom de boom.

That's the way it should be.

Wah-oooh, yeah!

[others] Wah-oooh, yeah!

-So is that Britney? -Yeah.

So, is it your birthday then?

Um, no…

[chuckles] Not quite, no.

I… I…

I got fired.

Sorry.

What for?

-Gross incompetence. -No, what are you sorry for?

Oh, I… I just don't want you to be disappointed in me, that's all.

Don't be silly. Couldn't give a shit.

-[door opens] -[dog barking in the distance]

-[Joseph] Hey. -[Jerry] Hey.

[Joseph] You all right?

Yeah.

[Joseph] Ah… Okay. All right.

Okay. Okay!

-[both] Listen, I just wanted to… -Oh.

-No, you… go. -No, go ahead.

-Honestly. Please. -Go, please…

-[both chuckle] -I just want you to speak!

-Just go. Go! -No.

I mean, this… this might sound completely mad,

and I'd need to check with Charlotte first, but do you think

I should go with you?

Yeah, I mean, the only issue, I think…

we'd have with that, is in proving

that no one else in the States could do what you do.

You know, just from a visa point of view.

Right.

And how many people are there in the States?

Right now? Uh, 328 million, not including me.

Oh, it'll be fine. It's gonna be fine.

-Yeah! -You know?

-We can still Zoom every five minutes. -Yeah!

-Yeah? -Yeah, I mean…

obviously, you know, I'll be busy, at times…

Well, you know what? I'd be more than happy

to just sort of leave Skype on all day.

Even if we're going about our normal business,

we can still check in every so often, say hello…

-I'm sure we'll figure something out. -Yeah.

There's FaceTime, and there's WhatsApp, and there's Houseparty.

-Can you… Sorry, I'm just feeling a bit… -Yeah?

…lightheaded.

Okay.

Mm.

-Hey. You know what you remind me of? -No.

A pilot fish.

Do you know the one I mean?

It's… it's one of those fish that swim under sharks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, for added protection. Yeah.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

It's also huge benefit to the shark

because that tiny little fish

eats all the little bits of dead dry skin,

keeping that shark healthy, and tall.

Are you saying that's what you'd like me to do?

Well… [exhales]

No, I just…

I just want you to remember that when I'm gone.

[door opens]

Um, Wonder Woman's been sick.

Oh, God, well, I better…

Really? Are you coming in, Jerry?

-Oh, give me a minute. -Is she okay?

-No, it's, like, all in her wig. -Oh, God, does Superman know?

I don't know.

-[Joseph] Push. -[Evelyn] Stop crowding me, Joseph!

-[door closes] -What am I doing?

[man] You order pizza?

Oh, uh…

Yeah. Um… Let me just go get my…

[muffled grunt]

[tires screech]

[tinkling]

♪ Hurray, hurray, hurray Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times Just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds Hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy And we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics Of the old "Red Flag" ♪

♪ And wait until we drop down dead ♪