Original subtitles

How's it going with Charlotte, by the way?

Yeah, really well, I think. We're at that stage in our relationship

where I've stopped getting the runs every time we speak.

-Oh. -And have you, you know,

stormed her castle?

Oh, well, you know, a gentleman never tells, so…

-Wait, she's a guy? -Boardroom, now.

Okay, I'll cut to the chase.

As of 20 minutes ago, Mary's cover as a triple agent has been blown.

-Oh, no. -How many times?

Do we know if the Russians managed

-to rebuild Eternal Blue? -[Chris] Yes.

But with the false information provided by Mary,

it started destroying itself.

-Surely that's a good thing? -[Chris] Not quite.

Now they're demanding we give up the original creator of the weapon,

or they'll kill Mary's mum.

-But that's me! -Exactly.

-That's Mum! -Shh. Hold on.

Are you saying that you're prepared to sell me out

just to keep some random old lady alive?

-She still does hot Zumba every Wednesday. -Does she?

Please don't take it personally. I'd do the same for anyone.

But, Chrissy, do you really want to toss me off like this?

It's not up to you and it's not up to me.

This comes directly from the top,

and sometimes sacrifices have to be made.

When it comes to a choice between risking a civilian life

versus an agent's life, we have to--

Consider the age of the civilian, surely?

You can't just throw me under a bus like this!

No one is suggesting we throw you under a bus.

More that there might be a bus heading your way.

Well, fine. Then what's stopping me from, you know,

jumping on that bus, and I don't know, eloping with Tuva?

-Me? -Fine, then, I'll elope alone.

-Does that still count as elope? -No.

You know what? This is bullshit.

-Do I not even get a choice? -Of course you get a choice.

On the one hand, you can capitulate,

or you can run away from all this,

putting a civilian life in imminent danger,

while simultaneously ending your career,

and giving me no better reason than to go public

with the NSA scandal for good measure.

[Jerry sighs]

Either way, let's keep this on the lowdown.

The fewer people that know about all this, the better.

-Know about what? -Nothing.

[Evelyn] Oh, my God.

Are you guys organizing a surprise birthday party for me?

No, of course not.

Oh, my God.

Way to go, Mary.

[knocking on door]

Oh, Jerry, I just wanted to check you were okay.

[groans]

Oh, dear.

Do you want me to get the blinds?

[mumbles]

You don't know?

I mean, I can go and get you something to eat.

-Is there anything-- -I don't know.

-We can get married again if you like. -No.

No. Okay.

[sighs] I just wanted to see how… You must be feeling awful.

I just keep thinking about everything they're doing to that poor old woman.

God, I wish she was dead.

You know? And then I may be next.

Yeah. Well, yeah.

I'm just trying to focus on the positives.

Well, you have to really, don't you?

I just wonder what they are.

I don't know, maybe I'll pick up a bit of Russian?

-[cell phone chimes] -Yeah. Yeah.

-Everything okay? -Yeah.

-All good? -I don't know.

Part of me just thinks none of this would've happened,

if I'd have done what you'd asked in the first place,

and just got the location data off of Charlotte.

No, buddy, you can't blame yourself

-for any of that. -Thanks, man.

Although now that you've said it out loud, I totally agree.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

I mean, listen, if anyone's gonna get through all this, it's you.

Yeah. Cool.

At least you'll go down in history a hero.

-Yay. -Yeah.

You see, between us, I'm really not keen

on the whole "being tortured" thing.

Presumably you've got quite a high pain threshold.

Oh, no, I do.

-Because you were shot, weren't you? -No.

Yeah.

You were, you showed me. It was one of the first things you--

-Oh, yeah. No, right. -Yeah.

Sorry, that. Yeah.

Sometimes I forget how shot I was.

Well, there you go, I can't imagine it's much worse than that.

Listen, Jerry, would it help if we just did a little practice?

Like, torture practice?

Yeah. I mean, just so you're prepared.

Even if we start with something really basic.

Yeah, if we start out with something, like, super small.

Completely.

-Morning! -What the fuck?

Don't worry, just think of it as a dress rehearsal.

It's gonna be okay. So, um, Quentin, just out of interest,

if you were to get an electric shock from this, how much would it hurt?

Um… it would depend on how wet your body was.

Okay. That's good.

And have you ever had an electric shock from one of these?

Yes. But I'm always wet.

Right. Okay.

That'll be all. Thanks, Quentin.

-Do you want me to… -Yes, please.

-Okay. -[door closes]

Don't worry I'm sure you'll be able to handle it, okay? It's just--

Okay. So, I think the key thing here is that we have a safe word.

-Yes. -So that you know when to stop.

What about "coconut?"

No. I think it has to be a word that I don't usually use.

"Please"?

What are you… what are you doing? Just wait for me.

[Jerry exhales]

-Shall we do my thumbs? -Or your nipples.

We'll do my thumbs.

Okay, now wait for me.

I'm waiting, Jerry.

Okay.

Go for it. You know what?

-Want me to do your nipples? -No.

I think we should build up to this by maybe…

How do you feel about slapping me around a bit.

With the battery?

No. What? No, I mean… You know, even better,

I think we should start with you.

-No. -Yeah.

-No. -Yeah.

-No. -Yes! Because I need to see…

how much it hurts first.

I'm guessing somewhere between like a bee sting or a shark attack?

If you… Okay, you know what?

I think we're just gonna have to find another way. I'm so sorry.

-[yells] -What, why did you…

-What was that sound? -Don't know.

-That was super scary. -Oh, God.

No. Oh. Did I get you?

No.

-Okay. -What are you doing? Stop!

-I thought you had to say "coconut." -Coconut, motherfucker! Coconut!

Coconut!

-Shall I come back later? -Yeah, okay.

[mouthing] Okay.

[door closes]

-Yeah, we gotta find a better plan. -Oh, God, yeah.

Do you think we should talk to Mary about it?

Damn straight! This is her fucking fault.

You wanted to see me?

Mary, yes, hi. Come… Please, sit down.

-Oh. -Oh. Are you…

-Oh. -Gosh.

I'll have that chair removed.

I don't think I've ever been in here on my own.

-No, there's a reason for that. -What do you mean?

It doesn't matter. Um… I love your… your tops.

-Oh, thank you. -So I just wanted to check in with you.

-Oh, my God, this must be so hard. -Being in here?

No, I mean having to choose between your mom and me.

[sighs] God, I mean if it were me,

I would just be feeling so guilty,

and personally responsible right now.

I'm just trying not to think about it.

Yeah, no, that's probably for the best.

I mean, the things they're doing to your mom right now are just…

unimaginable.

Gosh.

Oh, don't look. Christine's watching us.

No, don't wave. Pretend to be upset.

[pretends crying]

Okay.

-No, she's back. -[pretends crying]

Oh, Mary.

No, it… it…

Yep, she's gone. Anyway, all this got me thinking.

As useful as it is to GCHQ for me to trade places with her,

I mean, wouldn't it be easier on you if we just took her out of the equation…

altogether?

You want me to shoot her?

Well, no, I just… I just meant extract her.

But, I mean, that's up to you.

See, if we could just take away their leverage,

and at the same time, avoid putting me in any kind of physical jeopardy,

I mean, surely, that's a win-win.

-Right? -For me?

Yes, for me. For you… For… Yes!

For all of us.

Mary…

do you really want to be responsible

for keeping her there longer than necessary?

I guess I was just enjoying being at home

without getting bitten all the time.

Now we just need to find out where she is.

Oh!

I know exactly where she is.

I don't understand. How long have you known where she is?

About a week now. I managed to hack into GCHQ Bude's server.

-Does Chris know? -Yes.

We used a ribbon matrix and 12 coaxial-trace algorithms.

Yeah, no, that's what I would've done.

-So, is she in Russia? -No.

The food was giving her a bubbly tummy,

so they moved her somewhere more local.

But the main thing is--

But the main thing is that we're all in agreement.

We're getting her back.

-Right? She's not that far. -But what do we tell Chris?

Can't we just say that they found your mom too annoying,

and just gave her back?

-I mean, she is quite annoying. -No.

-They'd just chop her head off. -Really?

Yeah. That's what I'd do.

Look, we can figure out what exactly we tell Chris

after we get her back. Right now, I just need to know, are you in?

-[all] Yes. -[Evelyn] What's going on?

Uh, nothing. It's a surprise.

Is it something to do with my birthday again?

-Yes! -[others] Yes.

Yeah, actually we're just trying to choose a present.

Oh, my God. Guys.

So cute!

Maybe we should get her a cake.

No, fuck that.

How do you want to secretly extract her?

Two words, "brute force."

[Evelyn] Is it a car?

-Right. Hello. -What the hell are you doing?

-What if someone sees you? -It's fine, I'm wearing camouflage paint.

But that won't work in here.

And with your coloring, you can barely see it.

Think I should've gone darker?

The shop wouldn't let me try more, said it was disrespectful.

-Morning! -[shushes]

Oh.

So, where exactly are they holding her, then?

-Not far. Brize Norton. -Oh, where Crocodiles Of The World is.

-You have crocodiles here? -They do in Brize Norton.

-[Tuva] What time are we going in? -Immediately.

I want to be in and out before Chris arrives.

Well, bagsy not driving. I don't have a license… Well, I can't drive.

You guys know we're not actually going in ourselves, right?

Oh. How, then?

I got us a combat drone.

Seriously, no one puts troops on the ground anymore.

It's just not very woke.

So, where did you get a combat drone at such short notice?

I borrowed it from a buddy of mine Don't worry. He owed me a favor.

Why, what did you do?

I sang at his son's bar mitzvah. It doesn't matter.

-So, he lent you a drone? -We have that kind of relationship.

-Can I meet him? -No, he's um… he's agoraphobic.

-Was that tricky at his bar mitzvah? -No, it was just the two of us.

-There wasn't even a rabbi? -No, he's actually a rabbi as well.

-He was a rabbi at 13? -Okay, fine.

I helped him kill Osama bin Laden.

Happy?

-Cool. -Okay.

-Joseph, you're on pitch and roll. -Right.

-You know what they are, right? -Pitch and roll, yeah.

-As in the hokey cokey. -Okay, Mary, I need you on speed.

-Gosh, really? -Yeah.

All right, Tuva, you're next to me.

-Now, Tuva and I will navigate, okay? -[whirring]

And we're all… Hey, guys! We're gonna work in sync!

Okay? But, basically, just do what I say, okay?

So, where is it now?

It's just behind my hotel,

-hidden next to the crematorium. -[Joseph] Is it big?

It is. I think it can cremate up to 100 people at a time.

-It's not doing anything. -We're not in the air yet.

-Can you please stop doing that? -Yep, yep.

Now, I'm gonna take north-south. Are you happy doing east-west?

I thought it'd come more naturally to you.

-Why? -I don't know,

you just have that look about you.

Mary, do you want to take us up now, slowly?

Pull back on the stick.

[drone blades whirring]

Nice.

There you go. That's a thing of beauty.

-Is that your hotel? -No, that's the crematorium.

-Aw, it looks nice! -Right?

Okay, Tuva, now, two degrees to the east.

-And, Joseph, slowly… -Yep.

…bank right.

-[drone blades whirring] -Okay.

Mm-hm.

All right, now I want you to pitch forward, Joseph.

Slowly pitch forward.

Let's get some speed up, Mary.

What kind of speed should we be aiming for?

Flying a drone is a bit like having sex.

You don't want to start off too fast, or you'll have nowhere to go.

I'm a bit like that.

You just wanna keep going at a steady pace.

Find your rhythm.

No sudden movements, or…

Or the whole thing will end in tears.

Or the whole thing will end in… Come on, it wasn't that bad.

We gotta be getting close here.

-Oh, Jesus, fuck! -Sorry, I think it's nerves.

No, Chris just rocked up!

Okay. Mary, you'll have to form a distraction.

-[nervously] What do you want me to do? -I don't know. Improvise.

Tuva, go with her.

[drone blades whirring]

-Okay, don't let go. -Let go?

-No, don't let go! -Which one?

-Both! What are you… Both of them! -Jerry.

-What are you doing? -Jerry! Jerry!

Don't talk to me. I know what I'm doing!

-Morning, Chris. You're in early. -What's going on?

-Why are you here? -Oh, I'm just doing

some last-minute choir practice.

They keep making me re-audition.

-Dressed like that? -Yes.

The sticks help me reach the high notes.

-And Tuva? -Vocal coach.

It's 5:00 in the morning.

-Yeah, she's really bad. -Yes, I am.

You… you want to hear something?

Oh. Right.

[Tuva clears throat]

♪ They tried to make me go to rehab ♪

♪ But I won't go, go, go… ♪

[Jerry] This has gotta be it.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Hang on, I think we have company.

Oh, good grief. What have they done to her?

-What? -That's… that's not her.

Right. So, can they… can they see us?

No, it's like Call Of Duty. Okay, look.

-There's a speaker on the drone. -You gonna sing something?

No, I don't want them connecting me to this, okay? You're going to do it.

-What should I sing? -Hopefully, nothing.

-♪ Hopefully, nothing…♪ -Please, please!

-All you have to do now is… -[typing]

-Okay, we're live. -Hello?

No, you have to hold down this button to speak.

-Okay? -Hello?

Just… Why… why would you say "hello"?

-That's too friendly. -Fuck you.

-I didn't know what else to say. -Can you just…

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Just say you know who they are,

and you know what they're doing.

You know who they are, and you know what--

[Jerry] Stop, stop!

What are you… Stop. Okay. Now they're really coming.

Okay, okay, it's on. All right, we'll do it line by line.

Tell them this is GCHQ, and this is their last chance.

This is GCHQ, and this is their last--

[Jerry] Your! Your!

-What's wrong with you? -Sorry.

Okay. We have you surrounded.

We have you sur-- That's clever!

-[both shushing] -We have you surrounded.

-Release the hostage. -Release the hostage, or…

What? There is no "or." We have no "or."

Sorry, hang on.

Okay, fine. Release the hostage, or we'll fire a missile.

Release the hostage, or we'll fire a nuclear missile.

What? Why… why would we fire a nuclear missile

-on home soil? -Okay, scrap that.

-♪ Yes, I've been black ♪ -[phone rings]

♪ When I come back ♪

-Yes? -♪ You will know, know, know ♪

Understood.

♪ I ain't got the time… ♪

-♪ But if my daddy thinks I'm fine ♪ -I'll be sure to let him know.

-Good job. -♪ They tried to make me go to rehab ♪

♪ But I won't go, go, go ♪

I've got more.

♪ They call me Mr. Bombastic, Semi-fantastic… ♪

-[Joseph] But what if they recognize us? -They won't. Don't--

Chris…

Hey, don't… No, no, no!

What on earth do you all think you're playing at?

Okay, Chris, I'm going to be completely honest with you right now.

I got a combat drone for my birthday

from a buddy of mine.

He's a 13-year-old rabbi.

And we were all just having a play.

Okay? Then we started to feel so bad for poor old Mary's mom,

and so we… Tuva thought, wouldn't it be easier

if we just extracted her?

-And we're all, like… [grunts] -Easier on you, you mean.

Whilst at the same time, jeopardizing a legitimate rescue mission.

Wait. You were going in after her the whole time?

You mean, you were never intending to throw me under a bus?

Not that bus, no. Do you really think I'm that cold-hearted?

[all] Yeah.

If it weren't for the distraction you caused with the drone,

allowing one of our tactical teams to move in and retrieve her unharmed,

along with destroying all of the Russian intel on Eternal Blue,

I would seriously be considering reporting all of this to Rupert,

who expresses his utmost gratitude

for your quick-thinking and innovative approach.

[softly] Yes!

Well, you really should have let us in on the plan all along.

I had Mary in my office.

And risk that information getting out?

Who knows if anyone else here has been compromised.

You think there still might be a mole working here?

It can't be me. It was me last time.

You better all go home and get changed.

[Joseph sighs]

-Joseph? -Yeah?

A word in my office.

I know I've been a bit all over the place these past few days.

But, um, I promise it won't happen again.

I know.

Good. And thank you… thank you for being so understanding all the time.

Because you're fired.

What?

No, no, no. Look, you don't have to do that. It's…

-I do. -No, listen, I get it.

You know, you're tired, you haven't had breakfast.

-I'd be the same if I'd not eaten. -This isn't just about today.

-I know, but I bet today didn't help. -No.

It's just been endless, Joseph.

I've tried to warn you so many times.

I know I'm not meant to be dating someone from GCHQ Bude, but--

You've been doing what?

Sorry, I forgot I wasn't meant to say that.

Anything else you'd like to add?

It's actually going really well.

Either way, my decision is final.

No.

No.

No, Chris, I… No.

I'm just… I'm… I'm begging you. Just…

Please.

You have till the end of the day.

Surely there must be something that I can do. I mean…

[exhales] Do you need your shopping getting, or anything?

No.

Well, can you at least write me a good reference?

No.

If it was too good, people would wonder why I let you go.

Well, then, why don't I just stay?

No.

Please, get out. I'm about to call the Secretary of State.

I don't think she knows who I am.

Not about you, obviously.

Can you at least tell me everything is going to be okay?

Everything is going to be okay.

I just don't think it is.

[cell phone buzzes, dings]

Oh… my God. [chuckles]

Thanks, guys!

-Be careful with that. -[grappling hook pops]

Okay.

♪ Hurray, hurray, hurray Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times Just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds Hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy And we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics Of the old "Red Flag" ♪

♪ And wait until we drop down dead ♪