Original subtitles

Joseph, what's the latest on IS? Do we have any matches?

Yeah, kind of. I'm having a little bit of trouble

trying to get our software to distinguish between

times when someone has referred to "IS,"

as in the Islamic State, which we must keep a record of,

versus times when they've simply used the word "is."

You've spent the best part of a week looking into all nationwide communication

containing the word "is?"

Yeah, I mean, you'd be surprised how much it comes up.

Jerry, did you get a cyber-trace on where the Russians are operating from?

Uh, well, first of all, good morning, Chris.

And, no, my only guess is that somehow they're able to operate

even when their main server's asleep.

-I'm a bit like that! -[Jerry] Anyway, has the NSA reached out

-to see how I'm getting on with all this? -[Chris] Yes, of course.

If word gets out that a weapon designed by the NSA

is now in the hands of terrorists,

it'll be the biggest humiliation since Snowden.

Yeah, I was asking more about, like, did they reach out to say hi?

But what you said

-was also super important. -[Chris] Right.

No. Also, just so that you know, as part of GCHQ's commitment

to tackling sexual harassment and discrimination in the workplace,

CySec has been assigned Hilary Bowden

who will be leading some workshops during the day.

-Is she GCHQ? -No, but she comes recommended

by Rupert and Downing Street,

she's also worked closely with Prince Andrew.

Not too closely, I hope.

-[tray rattling] -And one final thing…

-[clanking] -One final thing.

I'm delighted to announce that CySec's new fire marshal will be… Evelyn.

-Ohh… Was it close? -No.

-Meaning? -Well done.

Wait, you didn't even apply for the role?

-What role? -Does HR know?

It's fine. It's something to keep her active and get her out of my office.

Chris, you can't just give that role to your own daughter!

-Why not? -Well, isn't that… What's it called

-when you favor a relative? -Incest?

If you're accusing me of nepotism within GCHQ,

it's probably my grandmother you need to speak to first.

-Right. Where is she? -Cheltenham Cemetery.

-Twelve across, four down. -Oh, it's lovely round there!

-That's bullshit. -If only it wasn't so obvious

that Evelyn has got the role purely on merit.

Sorry, got what on merit?

We'll set you up in the boardroom if that's okay.

Any update from the Russians on how your mum's getting on?

Oh, they won't let me speak to her.

She's very strong-willed. She once ate a glass vase.

That's Jerry Bernstein.

[continues indistinctly]

-Come along, let's get this over with. -Yeah.

Yeah, hi.

I just wanna make sure you received my donation

to the Women's Progressive Liberal Library fund.

Yes, $10,000.

Great. Thank you.

I'm so sorry. How can I help you?

Hilary Bowden.

I'll be leading the harassment and discrimination sessions today.

Oh, right, right. Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

Well, are you a breath of fresh air!

-Oh, really? Why? -Oh, just that you're very…

Um…

Um… Red. You're very red.

[chuckles] Were you about to say I was attractive?

Maybe.

-Uh, would that have been okay? -Of course, why not?

Well, it's just that, you know, men like me are often… Oh, never mind.

-No, go on. -No, it's just that, you know,

being a good-looking, straight, white male these days

is kinda like having a target on your back, you know?

Anyway, um, if you need anything at all while you're here,

you just, you know, give me a nudge. [chuckles] I'm a big fan of your harass…

of anti… of anti-harassment, and… your work.

And discrimination. Very important.

Well, then, shall we?

-No, please. -No. please.

[chuckles] Okay!

-[pats Jerry on backside] -Oh! Hello!

After you.

How do you feel about sharing the fire marshal position?

There's only one tabard.

I know. I can give it a rinse in between.

Aren't you health and safety officer?

Yes, but ever since Elaine walked into that sheet of glass,

there's been nothing to do.

What do you want me to do, start a fire?

It's not very nice, is it?

-[Hilary] Good morning, everyone! -[both] Good morning.

As you know, my name is Hilary Bowden.

I'm an ambassador for CBT in the workplace.

I have experience with animals,

and I am co-creator of the biodegradable coil.

We are stretched for time, so just to get the ball rolling,

I'd like to start with maybe a general chat

about our own personal experiences of harassment.

Would anyone like to go first?

-Well… -I…

-Oh. No, you… You sure? -No. Yep, you go.

So, I often get teased quite a lot, because of my height.

I don't know if that's harassment per se.

I see. From a psychological point of view, does that get you down?

Well, I am a lot closer to the ground,

if that's what you… Is that what you meant?

But do you ever find it restricting?

Oh, no. No, I mean, within reason, I can fit into any-sized space, so…

-Like a squid. -Or a gas.

And Jerry, as the alpha of the pack, have you always been this tall?

Yes, since birth. I'm tall everywhere.

And are you now at your maximum height, do you think?

Actually, I can feel myself growing right now…

Lovely.

Okay, so I would like to try a little bit of roleplay.

Mary… and Joseph. Come and help me at the front here.

Jerry, could you move this chair for me, please?

[chatters indistinctly]

-[pats behind] -[exclaims]

-[Hilary] Okay, I want you to imagine… -Okay.

…that Mary has been bullying Joseph for his height, say.

-Why? -Actually, that's a good point.

In theory, why else might we want to make fun of Joseph?

I don't know how best to say this. The "color of his skin?"

-Yes. Thank you. -His intellect.

-The size of his nose. -The way he dresses.

-That's enough. -His one brow.

Jerry, I think…

[Hilary] That's a good amount of variables.

And which one of these are you most comfortable talking about, Mary?

Oh, probably, um, uh…

the color of his skin.

Yes, I agree. At least in theory, that's certainly the most obvious.

-I don't know, that nose is pretty big! -Jerry!

So, imagine that you've had a run-in with Joseph,

and you've ended up saying something racist.

Um, do you want me to actually say the word out loud?

Well, do you have

-a particular word in mind? -A few, yes.

Oh, but only because Mum used to talk in her sleep.

-Right. -Just for my write-up, Christine,

what proportion of the office is Black?

Sorry, I believe the correct term is African American.

I think quite a lot of the furniture is black. Sorry, African American.

Of course we have very few, if any, African Americans working here.

What? How do you get away with that?

-Okay, I think that's enough. -Yeah.

-Now we can all relax. -How did that make you feel, Joseph?

Uh… I guess it made me feel a bit more white.

Hilary, given that I hang out with Joseph so much,

does that mean I can never be accused of being a racist?

Okay, well, let's break that down, shall we?

Does your friendship with Joseph ever feel like a conscious decision?

-Absolutely. Oh… -No. I mean, a little bit of both.

It's not an act of pity or… self-defense?

How would it be self-defense?

Well, perhaps it makes Jerry feel more powerful,

being around people of color.

-Like in Moana? -Yeah.

No, I'd never do that!

That's not to say I don't feel powerful around you, buddy,

-but I think anyone would. -[Joesph] Hmm.

Okay, so this next bit is actually taken from my latest book.

It's just a scenario that I'd like you to mull over before lunch.

Now what if Jerry invited Joseph over to his house--

He's staying in a hotel.

Okay, so imagine he invites him over to his hotel, and cooks him a delicious--

-He doesn't have a kitchen. -Assume it's a suite.

I'm sure they'd upgrade me if I asked.

-Can't you use the hotel kitchen? -That was going to be my question.

-Jesus. -No, I don't wanna hang out

with those guys.

I'm trying to cook Joseph a nice, romantic children's meal.

The point is, Jerry ends up cooking Joseph a really big, vibrant curry.

-You wrote a book about this? -I actually quite like curry.

Oh, there you go! See?

The question is, though, is that racist?

No way, I'm just using up all the ingredients I had left over.

I thought that was Pancake Day.

But is this a sign that we have preconceived ideas of people?

No. I'm just trying to cook my best friend in London--

-Cheltenham. -…Cheltenham, his favorite meal.

-I never said it was my favorite. -See?

Yeah. But I'd do the same for anyone!

I mean, apart from Tuva maybe.

Why, what would you cook for me?

I'm imagining a more fragrant, spicy, kind of noodle thing.

-Surely that's time? -With a side of crickets.

What the fuck?

Are we not doing the bit where I call Joseph a…

[inaudible]

Wow!

-Phones off. -[phone pings]

Come on, move!

-[Evelyn] Ow! God! -[text alert]

-Move up. -Yeah.

-Hilary just grabbed my junk again. -What? Why?

Maybe it's some kind of game,

like a perverted version of Bop It. Whatever it is, I think she's winning.

Are you going to say something?

I don't know. What if she's just really into me?

-What if she's not? -Well, then I'm going to tell on her!

To Chris?

What's going on?

Oh, it's just, Hilary groped Jerry's crotch and he wants to tell Chris.

-Oh! -Pass it on.

Something about Jerry and Chris' crotch. I didn't really catch it.

He caught something?

I don't know, but we all have to pass it on.

-Jerry's got an STD. -What?

-Pass it on. -Ew, no, gross!

Jerry's got syphilis again.

[mouthing]

It's sexual harassment time.

What I want to examine is what's acceptable in the workplace,

what's unacceptable, and ultimately…

-what's illegal. -Yeah, me, too!

Can anyone give me an example of something that's illegal in the workplace?

Homicide.

Yes, but I'm particularly interested in those muddier areas.

Um, who uses kisses at the end of their emails?

-And how does everyone feel about that? -How do you think?

The only thing that bothers me is when the whole email is just a kiss.

Even the subject line?

Yeah, there's kisses just everywhere.

Yeah, in my defense, I think a lot of those were group emails.

-They were. -Yeah.

Why didn't I receive one?

You'd have to check your mailbox settings.

Okay.

I sometimes use hugs at the end of my emails.

-What's a hug? -Kinda like--

No, no. Get off!

No, I mean, how do you write a hug in email?

Oh, well, I type a big capital "O," or I use open and closed brackets.

Just to offer you my professional opinion,

and I'd say the same to the Royals,

I'd worry that might look a little like an entranceway.

Oh…

-What, like I'm inviting someone in? -Yeah, baby!

Is that allowed?

-What, "Yeah, baby?" -Yeah.

Oh, come on. It's harmless, isn't it? It's just, like, two words.

-So is "sugar tits." -Thank you.

Chris, how do you sign off your emails? Would you ever use a kiss?

No. I only ever sign off with an X if I want that person killed.

-Hm, Tony Blair does that. -Is that why you keep doing that to me?

No. If I wanted you killed,

-I'd probably just… do it in your sleep. -Oh, my God!

So one additional thing I'm keen to examine within these sessions

is the degree to which

our decisions are affected by unconscious bias.

-I wouldn't know. -Exactly.

So, the best way I like to test for this

is by imagining that the building is on fire,

and working out who you would save first.

-[both] Jerry. -Quentin.

-Joseph. -Mum.

-Mary. -Aw.

-You're the lightest. -Oh.

Well, no, try and ignore all other factors.

So let's pretend that you're Superman,

and, therefore, the size and weight of an individual isn't important.

So, assuming you're Superman, Jerry,

-would Mary be your first choice as well? -Uh, I'm not sure.

I'd be worried about her wig catching fire and damaging my cape.

-It's not a wig! -What about me?

Well, you'd be okay for a few hours

-in your Mum's glass box up there. -Not if it melts.

Oh, Tuva!

Chris, surely you'd want to save Evelyn at some point.

I wouldn't want to be accused of nepotism, would I?

So you'd rather I burned to death?

I don't think this would have happened if I'd have been made fire marshal.

So what we actually recommend as a way of avoiding unconscious bias

within this scenario, is to save people,

-but in alphabetical order. -Oh, great!

-Starting with you, Christine. -What?

-Followed by Evelyn. -Great!

Then it'd be me, Hilary,

if I happened to be around.

Yes, what a shame you're only here for one day of the year.

-Like Santa Claus. -Or a smear test.

Yes.

What I want to look at now is physical interaction.

Now, I will warn you that some of this is quite sensitive,

but I did try some of these techniques out at a Cobra meeting last week,

-so they are perfectly safe. -[mouthing]

Uh, Jerry, do you mind joining me at the front, please?

So, what I'm going to do is demonstrate how to hug a colleague the correct way

from a legal point of view.

Okay? So here we go…

And a one, two, and then off.

Now, if you want to put a bit of force back into your pushback,

just to prove there's no agenda there, that's absolutely fine.

But what if your colleague

has just witnessed something horrendous on the web

and you feel like a longer hug is necessary?

You might want to go for a… a one, two, three and then off.

Jesus.

Okay? So why don't we all give that a go?

Shall I hug you?

One…

Careful. She's ancient.

Okay, I'm here. I'm here.

-That was awkward, actually. -Yeah.

On the count of three, I want you to all arrange yourselves in order

of who you feel is most likely to be taken advantage of.

One, two, three, go!

Fantastic. Now please sit back down.

-Uh, I have a question. -Sure.

What if someone were to, I don't know,

say, grab your ass or your crotch?

Would I report that as sexual harassment, or…

Or what?

Or would I correctly interpret that

as someone having extremely strong feelings for me?

I wouldn't have thought so, no.

Really?

Then why is that person going around, grabbing people's crotches?

I guess because it makes them feel powerful,

especially when they know that no one will ever believe the other party.

What? Why would they do that? I mean, that's totally fucked up.

I know, but sadly, it's what the science shows us again and again.

Okay, for those of you who don't know what's going on here,

Hilary grabbed my crotch and my tush earlier…

multiple times.

So, now might be a good time to look at how best to deal with false accusations.

What?

-Mary, do you mind joining us, please? -Wait, wait.

Hold on, this is bullshit! She's lying!

So, Jerry, what I want you to do is just demonstrate

what you believe happened as part of a role play.

Fine. On you, or… or Mary?

[both] On Mary.

Uh, nah… Mm, no, no.

No, no. I… No. I'm not falling for this. It might be a trap.

-Mary, is it a trap? -I don't think so.

No one's ever called it that before.

-What if it were the other way round? -What, like, I grab her ass?

What if she were to grab you?

-Now? -No!

-Whenever you're ready. -Mary, what the fuck?

Isn't someone going to say something?

Sorry, are we still in the role play?

-No! -Yes.

-I'm really confused. -Great. Are we done?

-Mary, thank you. -What… Are you all just gonna sit there?

-Chris! -I'm sorry, I was miles away.

And what Jerry's doing here is pretending to object…

-No, I'm not! -Oh, that's really clever.

Why would I do that?

To demonstrate what happens when someone cries wolf.

I'm not… I'm not crying wolf, okay? It really happened.

That's exactly what the boy said.

-I'm being serious this time! -He said that, too.

Oh, I get it. So you and Hilary are in cahoots?

-Yes. -What? No!

Wonderful. A happy finish.

And of course the sad thing about a false accusation is,

not only does it make the individual look stupid,

but it also undermines those cases

where someone has genuinely been harassed.

I have been harassed!

Okay, Joseph, when I came back in here,

-what's the first thing I said to you? -"Move up."

-No, after that. -That you think she's really into you?

-No, not that. -That you've got syphilis?

Yeah. No! What?

Is that what you said? I must have misheard.

No, no! Okay, I'm starting to think that you guys are all in on this.

Well, it is common for men like you to try and play the victim.

Whoa, whoa. Did you just say "men like me"?

Wait. You don't think "men like me" can get harassed?

Well, then you don't know about the time--

-And we're out of it. [snaps fingers] -Fantastic.

Wait. No, no. You can't just do that!

-And we're back in! [snaps fingers] -Time's up, I'm afraid, Jerry.

Okay. Oh. No. You know what? No, you were right.

You do have syphilis?

No, I mean we're in cahoots.

-Oh! -Hilary and I have been

in cahoots the whole time.

This whole thing has been planned.

Her grabbing my junk was planned,

her grabbing my back thingy was planned.

This… this was planned, right there, that's planned, yeah.

And this. This was planned!

And this is planned!

And this is planned!

And we're out of it. [snaps fingers]

No! Wha… what? Hi. Yes.

Just so you know, I won't be pressing charges.

Thank you. Me neither.

I just have to attend a three-day anti-harassment course.

Yes. Me, too.

-See you there! -Oh…

♪ Hurray, hurray, hurray Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times Just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds Hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy And we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics Of the old "Red Flag" ♪

♪ And wait until we drop down dead ♪