Original subtitles

[chiming]

Okay, what have we got? Jerry, what's the latest on Eternal Blue?

I need to update Whitehall.

[Jerry] Well, I'm still analyzing the code,

to see if I can get a fix on where the Russians are operating from.

I may need to call Zuckerberg.

-Mark Zuckerberg. Why? -We're old friends.

-Facebook friends? -How's Zuckerberg going to help?

Fuck if I know.

Gosh. I am so sorry that I am late.

I had a bit of an accident so…

-How's your mum, by the way? -She's still dead, sadly, Chris.

-I'm talking to Mary. -Started to miss her yet?

Well, I was going through her old drawers back home,

and I did find a DNR form which is a bit sad.

-Why, what's that? -It means "do not resuscitate."

Perhaps she was thinking of the future, and doesn't want to be a burden.

No. This form had my name on it.

What was the name of that form again?

[both mouthing]

[both mouthing]

-Davina, come over here quickly. -[Davina] I'm coming.

[beeping]

They aggravate my psoriasis, sorry.

We've got a request in from Disney regarding their new streaming service.

Oh, sweet. Will I be able to watch it from my office?

Some customers have been subject to a data protection breach.

So… yes?

-[laptop chimes] -Oh, and…

just come in from Analytics at GCHQ Bude.

They may have captured a signal

matching Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint.

Well, great!

-Can they send it over? -I should think that's unlikely.

Why? With that data, I could immediately locate where the Russians

are operating from, and end this thing.

Do they not understand how awesome that would make me look?

Exactly. Bude might want to claim that victory as their own.

Which reminds me, the board have expressed concern

that any romantic relationships

between our sister organizations are to be actively discouraged,

as they may prove a security risk.

I hope that's not going to be a problem for anyone?

Does anyone have a knife?

There you go.

[Jerry singing along] ♪ See the line Where the sky meets the sea? ♪

♪ It calls me ♪

♪ And no one knows ♪

-[knock at door] -♪ How far… ♪

-Hey! -Hey. Jerry, you got a minute?

-[turns off Disney video] -Uh…

[clears throat] Sorry, man. I'm just looking into that whole Disney thing.

-[Joseph] Yeah. -Uh…

So, what's going on? Did you get the location data?

No, it's more pressing than that. I've got a date tonight.

What? With who?

-But here's the thing. -She's bald?

No.

-She's blind? -No.

-Rabies? -No. It's about me.

-You've got rabies? -No, Jerry.

[sighs]

So, I'm…

I'm still a virgin.

Well, yeah. I mean, I kind of figured that.

Oh, no, is it obvious?

No. Mm-mm.

Listen, but I'm so sorry, I'm just super busy. Okay.

-[Disney song resumes] -Oh! Oh! Argh!

-♪ If I go, there's no telling how far… ♪ -[song stops]

-It's pretty good though, isn't it? -What, Moana?

Oh, my God, The Rock is, like, on fire!

-No, that I've finally got a date. -Yes.

-That's great, buddy, yeah. -Oh, one final thing.

Just off the back of what Chris said,

is that it's Charlotte from GCHQ Bude, so…

[grunts, chuckles]

As in, she's on the team

that captured Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint?

Yeah.

Well, then, this sounds like a perfect opportunity.

For me?

Yes.

That's what… Yes. That's what I… For you.

Evelyn!

[Evelyn] Oh.

What?

Okay, this is going to sound strange,

but what if you wore an earpiece, and I told you what to say?

-Would I need to get them pierced? -No.

See, I just think we could both get so much out of this date, you know?

-I don't… What do you mean, both? -Nothing makes me happier

-than playing Cupid. -[clicks tongue] Oh.

And I just really want to see you score with Scarlet.

-Charlotte. -Margaret, right.

Have you ever seen the movie Roxanne?

-With Steve Martin? -Yeah!

-It looked too scary for me. -Oh, it's a comedy.

Well, it's about this guy with a big nose,

-right? -Yeah.

Who has the hots for this girl, but the problem is

she's into this much, much better-looking guy.

Right. How is this helpful?

Okay, so I don't really remember the rest of it,

but, basically, they do what I'm proposing we do,

and in the end, the guy with the nose, he gets the girl.

The guy with the nose.

Right, while his buddy gets the intel he needs.

-Right. -Yeah. And then I think you die.

-Oh! -Yeah.

Mm. And so apart from the nose, is there anything else that I can do

-with my appearance to help? -Stand up.

Okay.

-All the way. -This is as far as I go.

Sorry. Um… Okay, so right off the bat,

I think you should wear something with vertical stripes

because that shirt makes you look even more…

[retches] than you are.

You know what? Come over here.

-Yeah? -Yeah. Yeah. Stop right there.

Okay. I want you to close your eyes.

Close your eyes, and imagine yourself three feet taller.

-Yeah. -Your legs are growing longer.

You can now reach a doorknob.

Okay?

Now…

open your eyes.

-Oh, my God. -Right?

-Yeah. -Right?

Wow. [chuckles]

Yeah. See, it's all about positioning yourself

-to create the illusion of tallness. -That's actually how they shot

-a lot of Lord Of The Rings. -Exactly.

Yeah, feel it out, walk around, try a doorknob.

So easy.

-That's so easy. -Yeah.

Okay, so Joseph has a hot date tonight,

and we're trying to figure out ways to make him more attractive.

Wanna borrow my jacket?

I used to have a lucky top, but I stopped wearing it

'cause it was attracting wasps.

Lucky how? Thought you said you'd never been laid.

That's so hot.

I know this might sound like a stupid question,

but just in case it comes up, where exactly is…

it?

-[all] The vagina? -Jinx! You owe me a root beer.

-Yeah, I mean, just a rough ballpark. -Well, it can vary.

-[both] Can it? -Oh, jinx again! Tuva, that's two.

Some days I find mine can be quite high up.

Right. I'm not sure how helpful that is.

-You want me to do a drawing? -Yes, please.

So, did you never see your mum's?

Not really. I mean, she died, like, 20 years ago.

-And you never saw it before she died? -Not just before, no.

Here you go.

Ah.

It's a lot bigger than I thought.

-It's not to scale. -Right. What's that?

That's the urethra.

Yeah, that's where pee comes out, buddy.

You don't have to worry about that.

But, Tuva, I think you got a lot of this wrong.

What's that little thing up there, for instance?

Yeah, that explains a lot.

You know, I just think we gotta keep things

as simple as possible for Joseph.

And there's no danger of me, you know,

accidentally ending up inside the urethra, say?

It's about eight millimeters wide.

-No, I'm good. -[Chris] What's going on?

Oh, nothing. Just something suddenly popped up in Joseph's inbox,

and we're just trying to fix it.

-Hardware or software? -Oh, hardware. With any luck.

-Well, so long as it isn't a virus. -Oh, no, no, no.

-Joseph's equipment is totally clean. -[Joseph] Oh, God, yeah.

-It's Mary's we have to worry about. -Oh, gosh. Really?

Maybe get someone to take a look at it, in that case.

We don't want you infecting the whole department.

[chuckling]

Maybe Quentin.

-Do you know what we're talking about? -Yes!

Computers.

-[knocking on door] -Hey, how's it all going?

Good, come on in. I just want to test the earpiece.

Have you ever worn one of these before?

No, but I did once get a marble stuck in my ear.

-Did you ever get it out? -No, I don't think so.

Okay. So, you wanna take this one here,

-and put it in your other ear. -Right.

It's very kind of you to go to all this trouble

-for a first date. -Don't be silly,

I'm just trying to help you out, buddy. How does that feel?

[exhales]

Did you say something?

[exhales] Yeah, okay , so put it back in,

and then I want you to go out there so I can test the range.

Okay?

[exhales]

-Get out, so I can test the range. -Yeah, yeah. Sorry! Now?

-Yeah. -Now.

Yeah.

-Can you hear me? -Yeah. It's kind of like I've gone mad!

Okay. Don't say anything out loud. Just wave if you can hear me.

-Hey! -So, does it work both ways, then?

If I say something out loud, can you hear me as well?

-[Jerry] Yeah. -What do you mean?

Joseph. My office.

What do you want me to do?

No, no, go for it. This'll be a good test.

Are you okay?

Oh, no. Uh… yeah.

[Jerry] All right. You got this, buddy.

Come on.

If I were to go on Scorpio and see how much analysis

you've completed this morning,

would I be pleased or disappointed?

[Jerry] Say anything but the truth.

I think pleased.

For a bit, but then growing more and more disappointed,

as you realized just how much time I'd also spent on Moonpig.

-Jesus. -I've honestly run out of things to say.

-[Jerry] That makes a change. -That makes a change.

-No! -Excuse me?

Sorry. Nothing.

[Chris] This really is your final warning.

I mean it. No more second chances.

No more, "Oh, but Jerry told me to do this, Jerry told me to do that."

Wait a minute, can she see the earpiece?

-No. -I give up.

[Jerry] Turn your head away, just in case.

No, the other way. No, your other… To the right.

No, actually, go back. Turn around.

Just get out.

Turn around again! Go back, go back.

You know what? Get out of there.

Just get out of there!

Get out!

Yeah, this is going to work great.

[Jerry] Okay, let me see what you're wearing.

What do you think?

Did you choose that fabric yourself?

No, do you think I should pretend that I did?

-Definitely not. -Okay.

-The stripes help though, right? -Yeah. Absolutely.

You look like a well-dressed barcode.

-Aw. -Yeah.

Right, so here, take one of these.

-Okay. -I'm gonna give you a quick spray.

-Right. -What are you doing?

-Close your mouth. It's cologne. -Oh, sorry.

Women love this shit.

-Is that what it is? -All right.

-You're good to go. -Okay.

-And can you hear me okay? -Yeah, got one in my wallet.

That's gr…

[Joseph] Ooh! Whoops.

There we go.

-Hi. -Hi. I've got a reservation.

It's Joseph Harries.

Yep.

-Is she here yet? -Yes, she's just over there.

[Joseph] Great, okay, thanks.

[Jerry] Okay, so I might throw in

the odd question about her work to keep it light.

But just go with it, okay? Don't question anything.

Sure.

Hey, Charlotte, you look lovely.

-Who are you? -It's Joseph.

-I'm kidding. -Oh, God!

[both laugh]

-Thank you. [sighs] Can I sit down? -Yeah.

Sorry I'm a bit late. I was trying to find something nice to wear.

-Oh, did you not find anything? -[laughs]

-Did you not find anything? -Oh… no.

Um, just 'cause I heard that it's better for eye contact,

you wouldn't prefer a slightly smaller seat, would you?

What, like a child's seat?

-I can see if there's a high chair. -I see you fine.

Sorry, you don't have a booster seat, do you?

Not for adults, no.

Okay, can I get another menu in that case?

-It won't be thick enough. -Can I get some more bread?

Okay, so, why don't you start by asking her about work?

See what she's working on at the moment.

Um… Eternal Blue, that kind of thing.

So, what are you working on at the moment? Anything exciting?

-Or… -Have you got a six-pack?

Who, me?

Uh, yeah. Yes. I mean, you can't see it.

-'Cause of the stripes? -No, I mean in general,

you can't see it.

If you push hard, you can feel roughly where it's meant to be.

Just ask her about work again.

-So, what are you working on? -[waiter] Right, what can I get you?

-Some more bread, please. -I'd rather you just order.

We're very busy tonight.

[Jerry] Okay, you know what?

You have to really impress her with what you eat.

So recommend a dish you've tried here before, okay?

Charlotte? That's really nice. I had that last time I was here.

Apple juice?

Wha… [sighs]

Yeah, it's just… mind-blowing.

-Would you like an apple juice? -Could you come to me last, please?

-How big are your meatballs? -Tiny. But you get three.

Okay, I've got the menu up here.

Just order what I tell you.

-I don't like mushrooms. -What was that?

-What was that? -Um…

Nothing. I was reminding myself that I really don't like mushrooms.

[static]

Okay, tell him you'll start with the mushroom bruschetta.

Can I start with the mushroom bruschetta, please?

You trying to impress me?

I fancied a bit of a challenge.

Is it an allergy?

-Yeah, it's quite serious. -No, don't say that.

-It'll make you look weak. -[Joseph] But it's fine.

It's fine. I've got my EpiPen with me, so… You know CPR, right?

-No. -And for main?

-Um… -The main?

-The lobster bisque. -Say again?

-And for main? -The lobster bisque.

The lobster bits.

-The what? -[enunciating] Bisque!

-Thank you. -All right. And for you, madame?

Can I get the mozzarella carrozza, the parmigiana,

the salmon, a salad, some more bread, please.

And a bottle of red wine. Oh, do you want red wine?

I'd love red wine.

-Two bottles of red wine, then, please. -Oh! [chuckles]

-Yeah. -[waiter] Give me the menu. Thanks.

Okay, so let's shift the conversation onto, I don't know,

how much she knows about the intel

they captured on Eternal Blue today.

-Oh, shit. -What's wrong?

-You need the toilet? -You need the toilet?

No. It's just the lady who cleans the office has just walked in.

Who, Uma?

So?

Just say it's awkward because you used to bang.

It's just a little bit awkward… Hey.

…'cause my boss is trying to clamp down

on cross-divisional relationships, with you working at GCHQ Bude

-and me working at the Cheltenham office-- -Don't worry about it.

I did improv at uni, it'll be fine.

Oh, here we go.

-Hi! You all right? -Hey.

I'm good, thank you. Much better now.

-Good. -So, yeah. You all right?

-Yeah. -[Joseph clears throat]

-[Joseph chuckles awkwardly] -[Charlotte] Good.

-So, this is-- -Sorry!

[Joseph] Yeah.

-His sister. -What?

Yeah, this is my sist… this is my sister.

-Half? -No.

No, no. Um, 100% full sister.

Right. You'd never be able to tell. [chuckles nervously]

No… no, a few people have said that.

I think just 'cause, obviously, you know,

you're quite that much lighter.

-Yeah. -[Joseph] Um…

[Charlotte] Yeah. It's just 'cause, um…

I'm just very, very frightened.

Yeah, 'cause she's just always so frightened.

-Right. -[Joseph] Hm.

-Well, have a good night. -Thank you, take care. Bye.

See? [laughs]

Very good. Very impressive.

Okay, listen, you're not getting anywhere with this chick.

Okay? You need to ask her more about work.

So, what's it like, working at GCHQ Bude, then?

I love it. I mostly just deal with sex-trafficking,

but I can do a lot of that from the beach, so…

-Right. -What about you?

Well, gosh, we moved to Cheltenham shortly after my mum died.

No kidding! Mine, too!

-How old? -What, her or me?

-How old were you? -12.

-Me, too! -Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

-How did yours die? -Mechanical engineer at BA.

-Got sucked into a jet engine. -Oh, Charlotte, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no. It was over really quick.

She went in faster than the speed of sound.

Didn't even have time to scream.

-What about yours? -Oh, really boring. Bowel cancer.

-That's not boring. -Really?

No!

Oh… okay.

Are you serious? Give me a fucking break!

-[Charlotte] Get that down, you! -[Joseph] Oh, wow! [chuckles]

Mm.

Everything all right with your food?

-Delicious, thank you. -[waiter] You haven't touched it.

I'm leaving room for dessert.

Is it possible to get some more bread, please?

Okay, okay, you know what? Let's try a different approach.

Tell her you're thinking of applying for a job

in Analytics at GCHQ Bude.

I can't remember if I said it before, but I'm thinking of applying

for a job in Analytics at GCHQ Bude.

Because you want to see me again?

-Oh, well, I mean, that would be lovely. -[Jerry] Scrap that.

All these positions require you to speak Mandarin.

-So, you speak Mandarin? -Uh… comme ci, comme ca.

[laughs]

-You like that? -Yeah.

-Comme ci, comme ca! -[laughs]

Look, just ask her about the digital fingerprint they captured, okay?

Tell her I need it to get a fix on a location.

-I need the toilet. -Why?

Well, it's got to come out somehow.

-Oh. -Okay, buddy, this is going so bad,

you really need to stick with what I'm telling you to say.

I'm not asking her a departmental secret. She might get fired.

Just say it's the only way you'll know if you can trust her.

-I already trust her. -Oh, come on, man!

You know how important this Eternal Blue shit is to me.

This could be my ticket home.

Hang on, is that the only reason you're doing this?

What do you mean?

I was just ordering dessert. [stutters] It was…

Someone's locked themselves in the loo.

I'm going to have to hold it in.

[Jerry] Come on, man, you can do this.

What brings you to Cheltenham, then? Is it, like, a work thing?

No, I'm here to see you.

What, and that's it?

Why, what's wrong with that?

No, no, that's… No, that's great.

It's just no one's ever travelled that far to see me before.

It's only three hours. It's just straight up the M5.

-[Joseph] Did you not stop? -[Charlotte] No, when I'm on the M5,

I'm like a rocket.

So, where are you staying tonight?

Yours.

No! This is going nowhere.

-[kissing] -What's that noise? Are you eating soup?

Sshh, we're kissing.

I know.

I…

[Jerry] See? I told you this would work. Okay.

Now she's on side, ask her to send you the signal analysis.

-Did you get a bit of Rennie? -I don't think it's fully dissolved.

-Who wants dessert? -We've ordered.

When?

Do you mind just giving us one minute? Thank you.

[exhales]

Okay, um… Charlotte, I'm going to say something right now,

and I'll understand if you want to get up and leave.

But if you don't mind hearing me out, it'd be…

Great, go for it.

-[exhales] I'm wearing an earpiece. -What?

[Jerry] No, don't tell her that!

A guy from my department wanted me to get the intel GCHQ Bude captured

on Eternal Blue, but I didn't know that until now.

He was helping me out because this is my first date in 15 years,

and I'm actually still a virgin.

Hm. Can't tell.

-That I'm a virgin? -That you're wearing an earpiece.

Well, I am.

[static]

But you're not… you're not mad?

[Jerry] Joseph, buddy? Buddy, I'm…

[gurgling]

-[static] -Hello?

[sighs]

-Shall we? -Yeah.

I really need some more bread!

-Oh, yeah! -Yeah.

Sorry. Do you mind not saying anything to anyone?

We just don't want people at work finding out.

No, that's… understandable.

Thank you. Bye.

-[door closes] -You haven't paid!

[grunts]

[sighs]

Wanna grab a beer?

No.

♪ Hurray, hurray, hurray Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times Just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds Hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy And we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics Of the old "Red Flag" ♪

♪ And wait until we drop down dead ♪