Original subtitles

[indistinct chatter]

[Mary speaking Russian] It's me.

No.

We're still good. No one suspects a thing.

[line disconnects]

And also, Buckingham Palace have been in touch to ask

if we can have another look at their firewall

'cause the Queen's still receiving popups for erectile dysfunction.

I once took one of those tablets by mistake.

Did it work?

Yes.

Happy Valentine's Day!

-Oh. -Are they all yours?

No, a lot of these are international arrest warrants.

I just didn't wanna miss anything.

[Joseph] Ah.

-Anything in there with my name on it? -Why, what did you do?

Oh! No, nothing. I think it's just me and Charlotte from GCHQ Bude

have had a lot of, um, email back and forth recently. So…

Is that the tall girl with mad cow disease?

-No. Who's that? -Morning, everyone.

-Oh, shit, did someone die? -Yes. About 80 million people.

This week, we're celebrating 76 years since the end of World War II.

-By dressing as Hitler and his dentist? -[snickers]

Wait, I have to wear this for a whole week?

Yes.

This is a Women's Auxiliary Air Force pilot's uniform.

It used to belong to your great-grandmother.

-Wow, so your grandmother could fly? -Yes. Does that surprise you?

No, I just didn't know women were allowed to fly planes back then.

I'd worry about how safe that was.

Lots of kamikaze pilots were women.

Exactly. Because they're the best at crashing.

Also, I was very pleased to see that last week's Hinkley Point success

featured heavily on page three of The Telegraph.

Wait, why wasn't I asked to pose for that?

It's not that sort of paper.

What they didn't report is that despite GCHQ regaining full control

of Eternal Blue, a hybrid weapon is already being rebuilt by the Russians,

with the capacity to disrupt air traffic control services

-across the globe. -Gosh.

That's exactly what happens in Die Hard 2.

Did they even mention me by name in the article, or…

No. Here, at GCHQ, we prefer individuals to remain anonymous.

Well, it's certainly working.

By the way, who are you talking to at the NSA about this?

-Aled Jones. -The Snowman?

Well, if you want Jonesy and me

to put our heads together, I'm sure we can locate these guys.

Besides, I'd love to take a crack at saving the whole world,

not just this… this little… island.

Well, we can discuss that with Rupert later, but personally,

I feel your ego may prove to be too much of a distraction.

Oh, come on, Chris, give me a little credit.

It's not always gonna be about… Oh, my God, are those for me?

-Yep, they've just arrived. -Wha…

[Jerry chuckles]

What? [sniffs deeply]

Oh, my! This is so embarrassing! Thank you so much.

-They're not from me. -No, but still…

I mean, it's just so sweet of you to give me these flowers.

-They're not from me. -No, I know, but the way

-you handed them to me, it was so sweet. -Can I go?

Yeah. I don't even remember your name. Wow!

[laughs] These are incredible.

Thank you. Look, a card!

Did I not even get, like, an arrest warrant then?

I'm so sorry, buddy.

"To Jerry, mwah. Love, question mark."

I just want to say, if the person who got me these

happens to be in this room,

-from the bottom of my heart… -[chuckles]

…thank you.

Surely you're not serious.

[knock on door]

-[Jerry] Yeah? -[Joseph] Hey.

Hey, what's up? I'm busy.

Oh. Not much. [grunts] I'm just a little bit lonely and bored!

-Do you mind if I sniff your flowers? -No, knock yourself out.

-[mumbles] -[keyboard clacking]

[sniffs deeply]

[continues sniffing]

Very nice. You know these weren't from me?

-Mm-hm. -Yeah.

I didn't know if you expected a Valentine's gift

-'cause we used to be married. -No. Also, I'd rather

you didn't keep using that phrase "used to be married…"

-Right. -…because it kind of makes it

-sound like it was for real, okay? -Right.

What would you prefer I use then? Sort of "recently separated?"

-Again, I just don't think-- -Widows?

-You know what-- -I'd be up for that.

How about you don't refer to it ever again?

-Okay, I mean, I'll try. -Okay.

Aren't you even a bit curious as to who they're from?

Yeah, I'm kind of busy protecting all mankind right now, so…

[groans]

I guess I was just secretly hoping that

you wouldn't get anything either, and then we could be lonely together,

-if you know what I mean! -Oh, my God, I almost forgot.

Look what just arrived for you in the internal mail system!

-Oh, my God! -I know! Go open it.

Oh, my God! Hang on, is this from you?

Are you kidding? You think I'd, what, get you a Valentine's Day card

-out of pity? -I wouldn't hold it against you.

-No, I'm not that nice. -[sighs] Swear on your life.

I swear on your life, buddy.

Oh, my God.

"Hey, sexy, comma, stay amazing. Kiss."

"Full stop."

-Look. -Aw.

-Do you think it's from Charlotte, maybe? -Could be.

-But actually, we've never met. -So?

Well, so she's not really had the full experience.

-Right. -Yeah.

-Yeah, still, it's possible. -Mm.

-Maybe I'll just text her and ask. -No… Don't, no, don't do that.

-No? -Um, no.

Because what, um… what if it isn't?

-Mm. -Right?

And if it is,

you don't want her knowing that you know.

Maybe I'll just get handwriting analysis done then?

No, what? Where?

-Here. It's downstairs. -No, abso… no.

Absolutely not, do not do that.

Okay. Listen, buddy, right now, that card could be from anyone.

It's almost more fun not knowing…

-Yeah. -…who it's from.

-What's your wildest fantasy? -Meeting someone who can fly.

No, I mean if that card could be from anyone in the world,

-who would you want it to be from? -I guess it'd be

a toss-up between David Attenborough and Princess Jasmine from Aladdin?

-The live action? -No, the cartoon.

-The cartoon. -Yeah.

There you go.

-Hey. -You all right?

Yeah, um, I have a handwriting sample

that needs analyzing. I was told you were the best person to ask.

Case number?

Right. Yeah, it hasn't actually been assigned a number yet.

Why not?

This is gonna sound weird, but I think they've just run out.

They've run out of numbers?

Well, no, not run out,

I think they've just used them all on other cases.

I don't know if you've ever had that happen before?

Who was the supervising officer on the case? I can search via Scorpio.

Right, yes! Um, gosh, I'm so bad with names… [teeth clicking]

-and there are so many now, aren't there? -There's only four.

Only four? Well, um, it seems like… well… um…

I'm guessing…

male… male?

-White? -Yeah, probably, I mean…

Or not, or not. I mean, you know, they could've been more like…

or, you know, or… you know, the color of this folder, or not…

Well, there are no blue supervising officers.

And I think that is so bad nowadays.

-Are you taking the piss? -Oh. No, God, no, no! I'm just, you know…

-I'm on your side. -What side's that then?

-I'm like you, right? -You're a Black woman?

-Not quite. But I'm half… -Oh, you're half a Black woman?

-I'm just a complete mix. -Of Black and blue?

-Of Black and white. -Oh, so you're grey?

[bites apple]

So, I have a handwriting sample that needs analyzing… Oh, God.

Please don't tell me those are for me.

[chuckles] No, of course not, these are mine.

-You got another bunch of flowers? -No, this is the same bunch.

I just didn't want to leave them lying around, it's just not safe.

This is one of the safest buildings on the planet.

I just don't want anyone tripping over them

and risk hurting the arrangement.

Do you mind if we have a word in private?

-Evelyn… -But I only just sat down.

-You've been sitting down all day. -But not like this.

-Please? -[Evelyn sighs]

Thank you. Can I just say, for the first six months,

I had no idea you two were mother and daughter.

Well, I try not to make too much of a song and dance about it.

No, I completely get it. I'd be the same if I were your daughter.

What can I do for you?

Well, given I saved Britain last week… You're welcome.

…did Jonesy mention anything about the NSA dropping the case against me?

You know, that whole election fraud thing.

-I thought you liked it here. -Oh, no, don't get me wrong,

I love it here, and I adore your outfit.

I'm just thinking, hypothetically, if I managed to track down

these Russian dudes, surely that would paint me in a better light, right?

We'll just have to wait and see.

Any news about who might have leaked the NSA intel in the first place?

No, but I've been professionally interrogating people since I was nine.

Mary, I swear to God, this is your last chance.

-Are you working for the Russians? -No.

Right, that's it! I want to waterboard her! Mary, get up here.

-Tuva, are you recording all this? -[Tuva] Oh, fuck yeah.

No, Mary, turn around, you gotta face me! This isn't an enema!

This is serious. Now lie down flat.

No, face up! Mary, flip over!

Joseph, you know what? Yeah.

Hold her down. Now, who has a towel?

Okay, so the options are a lovely little bunny rabbit one,

um, one from a local school, or just a plain gingham one,

-but I don't know if it's clean. -Give me that!

-Do you want to actually see the rabbit? -Shut up!

-Okay, Mary, where is your mouth? -[Mary] In here.

-Okay, do we have any water? -I've got some Sprite you can use.

-I don't think it'll work with Sprite. -[Mary] It blows me up.

-Shut up, Mary! -Is there water in the flowers?

[yells] Do not touch the flowers!

Oh, my God.

-So where do you want this? -Okay, you know what? Get up here.

[Joseph] Oh, my God.

All right, you wanna position it over her mouth.

-Okay? -Yeah.

Okay.

-What the fuck are you doing? -I'm so sorry, Jerry,

it's difficult to keep it upright.

It's supposed to get on her!

-I'm being serious, Mary. -[Mary whimpers]

-This is your last chance. -[Mary whimpers]

-Okay. -And I'm aiming for the mouth, yeah?

-Just pour it on the rabbit. -Here we go.

-What… Are you kidding? -I'm so sorry, Jerry! I'm sorry.

-[Jerry] Damn it! -That's not clean.

What? God! All right, you know what?

I'm gonna… Okay. Are you good?

-You're good? -Yeah.

Go for it. Wait, let me just adjust…

-Okay, are you kidding? -Jerry, I'm so sorry!

-What the hell's going on? -Oh, hey, Chris.

I was just teaching the gang interrogation techniques

in case we find a mole.

But Mary is a mole.

-What? -Sorry!

Okay, I'm sure you've all got lots of questions.

Chris, you gotta let me handle this.

Absolutely not. Sit down. I just need you all to listen.

It's true. For a few weeks now, Mary's position here has been compromised.

Son of a bitch!

But only because her mother has been captured

by the Russian mob responsible for last week's attack,

and who've been blackmailing Mary for inside intel.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.

-I thought your mum passed away. -So did I.

[keyboard clacking]

-[phone rings] -[sighs]

-Hello? -I'm ever so sorry. Your mother's, um…

-[muffled grunting] -[gun cocks]

…passed away.

-So your mom's still alive? -[Mary] Yes.

But now, they keep threatening to send one of her fingers through the post.

Why, what's wrong with her fingers?

Fortunately…

Fortunately, Mary had the foresight to buy us some time

by sending the Russians a lot of false leads.

So, Mary's now a double agent?

-Technically, she's a triple agent. -[Joseph] That's right.

We think she works for us. The Russians think she works for them.

But really she's working for someone else.

-No, she's just working for us. -Right. Good.

How's it different from her work before?

'Cause the Russians believe she's now working for them.

-That's just two things, isn't it? -All you need to know

is that we are keeping Mary's cover a secret

so that we can continue to feed the Russians false intel.

And in doing so, hopefully, prevent a future Eternal Blue attack.

Plus, I must admit, it's quite nice for me and Quentin

to have a bit of space from Mum, too!

Oh, so are you and Quentin still…

Yes. Every night.

Yeah, baby!

-What stage you at? -Please don't…

-Sixty-three. -…answer that.

Is that…

-[video game gunfire] -[video game characters groan]

[character 1] Nice shot, soldier.

[character 2] Target located.

-[character 1] Cover me, fire. -Take that.

-[chuckles] -[character 1] Get down.

[character 2] Take cover. Reloading.

-You're fucking kidding me? -[character 2 groans]

-[video game announcer] Game over. -Fuck.

-Tuva, I just wanna say-- -They weren't from me.

No, sure. I'm just double-checking with everyone that I've ever, you know…

Disappointed?

So do you get paid more for being a triple agent then?

No. I… but I am trying to negotiate more holiday.

Right. And the Russians are all right with that?

No. They were very angry.

You know, I had a friend who started off as a triple agent,

but then went on to become an octuple agent almost overnight.

So who did that mean they were working for in the end?

Well, they thought that we thought that they thought

that we thought that they thought

that… that…

that we, that…

You know, I've gotta get some water for these.

Hey, how's it going?

So do you want to go out for a drink tonight then or what?

I mean, that's not why I came to see you, but yeah, I'm down!

I'll call you back.

[phone chimes]

Uh, Jerry Bernstein, NSA. It's Honey right?

So, I just wanted to warn you about this guy I'm working with.

You might have seen him scampering around.

He's a tiny little guy, kind of like a cinnamon Santa?

I mean, in terms of disposition.

Not…

Anyway, I was just wondering how this works.

If he came to you with a sample of handwriting,

how quickly would you be able to work out that it was mine.

-So you're telling me it's yours. -No.

No, I was just saying that as an example.

Like, would it help if I provided you with a sample of my handwriting first,

just to rule me out?

Not if I already know it's yours.

No… Sure, but ignoring that…

I wish I'd never said it.

How could I help you avoid coming up with a false conclusion?

I'd need to know a bit more info on your background

and see a sample of your handwriting.

Absolutely. That's what I thought.

[sighs] I'm so sorry I'm late. I couldn't fit in the elevator! [chuckles]

Jerry, I just wanted to congratulate you

on the Hinkley Point success last week. Great work!

Thanks, Rupert. I can't believe we've never met in the flesh.

Well, I have been in theater these past few weeks.

Oh, great, what show?

No, I was in a pony-riding accident.

Well, either way, I'm sure it was fantastic.

[chuckles]

Who's the lucky lady? Or fella?

Yeah, right!

Right! I mean… I mean, right. Right! Right on!

I'm actually in touch with thousands of women,

so who knows, it could be from any or all of them!

Just like the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

I don't understand the reference, but yes, absolutely, thank you.

Um… [knocks] Hi, Jerry, do you mind if I have

-a quick word-- -We're busy. What is it?

Oh, you know, it's… it's fine, I didn't know that you were--

Don't be silly, we're all equals here.

-You know, I really should-- -Come on.

-Only if you're sure. -Of course, we even get paid the same!

-Seriously? -No! [laughs] I'm on a lot more.

-What do you want? -Oh, um…

[whispers] What do I want?

Well, I… um… [chuckles]

I had some handwriting analysis done

on the Valentine's Day card that I received.

-What? -[Chris] Sorry, let me get this straight.

You've been using GCHQ resources, funded by the UK taxpayer,

to find out who sent you a Valentine's Day card?

In my defense, that is exactly why

I didn't want to say it in front of you all.

And?

-Oh. Well… -No, that's not important.

Um, shall we continue with our high-profile meeting?

Hang on. You were saying…

-Well, actually, it turned out, it-- -[screams]

Oh, my God, what's wrong?

-[groans] -Jerry, what's wrong? What's wrong?

Joseph, could you go… could you go…

-Could you go? -Oh, for heaven's sake. Jerry!

Okay, look, I just did it to cheer him up, it doesn't mean anything.

-What, you mean… So it was from you? -Why?

-They used to be married. -Oh!

Isn't that what the handwriting analysis showed?

No, I was about to say the results were inconclusive.

Oh, sorry, that… No, that's what I meant.

I mean, it could've been from anyone. Who… [grunts] It could've been Chris.

-It could've been Rupert. -Well, I've never met him before, but…

But you swore on my life that it wasn't from you.

Don't worry about it, buddy, it doesn't mean you'll actually die.

-I'm sorry about this. -No, this is fun.

-I thought you'd be pleased. -Yeah, only because you told me

-it definitely wasn't from you. -Well, thank you so much!

What else was I meant to believe?

Maybe that your mom sent it out of sympathy.

She died 20 years ago.

Maybe she post-dated it. Look, I'll make it up to you, okay?

I'll take you out to dinner, somewhere real fancy.

You'll take me out on Valentine's Day?

-Obviously not tonight, I've got plans. -I don't.

But you'll take me out at some point, right?

Yes, but not because I sent you a Valentine's Day card.

But you did send it to me.

I wanted you to feel special!

-I'll feel special when you take me out! -Why don't you take him out now?

This meeting is over.

Have you been wearing that all this time?

-Goodnight, Jatinda. -Goodnight.

-Joseph? -Yes.

It pains me to have to say this, but I'm seriously starting

to call into question your position here at GCHQ.

Do you understand?

Yes. Yeah, absolutely, and listen,

I just wanted to let you know I'm well-aware that we keep having

these kind of conversations, but I promise you it won't happen again.

It better not.

At least Valentine's Day's only once a year. [chuckles]

-This is your final warning, do you hear? -Yeah.

Handwriting analysis! I mean, who else did you think it was from?

Princess Jasmine?

-[amusing music playing on TV] -Hmm.

[phone buzzes]

-Hi, Ma. -Hi, sweetie.

-Happy Valentine's Day. -You, too.

Did you get my flowers?

♪ Hurray, hurray, hurray Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times Just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds Hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy And we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics Of the old "Red flag" ♪

♪ And wait until we drop down dead ♪