Original subtitles

-[beeping] -[door opens]

Joseph! Quiet room, now.

Oh, my God. What's wrong? Jerry! What is it? Jer…

God. Jerry, are you okay?

-Yeah. -So, what's wrong? What happened?

I think I have syphilis, and maybe gonorrhea, too.

I really can't tell.

I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah. Hey, can you get the fuck out?

-Thank you! Thank you. -[door opens]

-You think it was something you ate? -[door closes]

-No! I had sex last night. -Oh, my God. With who?

-I can't say. -Oh, not Christine?

No! She must be, what? My age.

-[whispers] So, was it with a prostitute? -Ew! No.

-Not Mary? -No, I just said it wasn't a prostitute.

-Then, who? -Look, I can't, okay?

She made me promise not to tell anyone.

-It's fine. Just tell me! -It was Tuva.

[chokes]

[continues choking]

I mean, obviously, I've had lots of experience,

but Tuva can do things I've only seen possible with CGI!

Right, who's got a poorly dick?

[sighs] Quentin, thank God!

I mean, how did this even end up happening, Jerry?

Quentin, have you seen the film Avatar?

Why, has it turned blue?

No, but look.

Oh, God! No.

Hey, hey. Don't turn away! I mean, that's just rude.

[zip unfastens]

[gasps, whimpers]

Oh, my…

-Um… -[gasps]

Have you ever seen anything like it?

Only in livestock.

Fantastic appraisal scores off the back of that NHS scenario, Chris.

Sorry, where did you say you were again?

I actually don't know.

There was one area where you seem to have failed.

[Chris] Failed?

Yes, it was in staff welfare and management.

Get out!

-[Evelyn coughs] -Why?

Be gentle, please. Ow!

-Mother… -Sorry, sorry.

-I'm just gonna try again, okay? -Okay.

It looks like subepidermal hematoma.

Oh, my God! Is that fatal?

No, no, no. It's just trauma.

What… what exactly happened?

Did she punch you in the penis?

Um… I mean, there was…

-No. -Why is it still erect?

It's not erect.

-Hey! -Hey. You all right?

[farting]

I'm so sorry!

I think I've had too much Berocca.

You know they're not suppositories, right?

-Good morning. -Ooh! Gosh, are you okay?

-Yeah. -[farting]

Oh, are you okay?

Good morning, team.

Valued staff members.

Right. Who'd like some raisins?

Um, yeah.

Actually, I would, Chris. Thanks. I'm absolutely ravenous.

I had a big night last night.

So, I know that we've all got a lot to be getting on with,

but I just wanted to remind all of you that

if ever work becomes too stressful

and you want to talk about it,

or about anything else, for that matter,

I'm always here.

That includes you, too, Evelyn.

I never find work stressful!

Well, no. But if you ever wanted to talk about something more personal.

-Okay, so… -I got my period first in my class.

It doesn't have to be now.

So, I've had an update on the Dixons Carphone data breach.

I do think this is going to be one for you, Mary.

They've used a 28-bit block cipher.

-That's what my PhD was in. -[Chris] Exactly.

-And no one else could bear taking it on. -Really?

Okay. Well, it might take me a little longer than usual,

because Mum's not been well.

She's nearly 90!

She must've had you when she was very young.

[Chris] You see, this is a good example of something

that you might want to come and speak to me about.

I'd really appreciate that, actually, Chris.

She keeps telling me to go fuck myself.

Well, perhaps when you've finished all this work

and removed all the corrupted files.

Oh, right.

[Chris] End of play today would be soon enough.

Hey, you.

-Aw! Look! -[all exclaiming]

-[women swoon] -[gasps] Oh!

[sighs longingly]

Hm. I wonder if it's a boy or a girl.

Oh, gosh.

-[baby coos] -[Mary] I can never tell.

That's the problem with babies. They don't have boobs.

No.

-[laughter] -Hi.

Come on! Um…

-Oh. Hello, darling! -Aw!

-Well done! -Hey!

Hey, um, I've just been looking at the Koryazhma file.

Do we have contact in Linguistics who can translate Russian?

-Have you tried Olga? -I can never understand what she says.

-You know she's Russian? -Oh, is that what that is?

Oh, right.

Thanks for the card, by the way.

But I only celebrate my birthday every other year.

That's fine, just keep it for next year.

There's nothing in it that can go off.

Anything else?

I just wanted to let you know that I… I know…

-[whispers] about you and Jerry. -Has he been mouthing me off?

God, he didn't say if he'd done that as well.

-[scoffs] -Sorry, has this been going on a while?

I only ask just 'cause Jerry seemed to imply it was a permanent thing.

Wow, okay. Well, either way, I just don't like to sleep

with the same person more than once. I think it's lazy.

Oh, no. You know, I agree with that. Me, too. God, yeah!

It's boring!

But you never know, maybe one day, you might find that one person…

-No, that would never work for me. -No, no. 'Cause you just…

[mumbles]

It's funny, though. I was doing one of those, like,

online harmony test things, and we actually come out as 89%, I think.

Yeah, it's that 11% I'm worried about.

Then why sleep with Jerry? I…

Because I don't care about him like I care about you.

But you're right. I should let him know it won't happen again.

Oh.

Plus, he's so not over his wife.

Sorry, what?

[phone ringing]

Is everything okay?

Well, the district nurse will be around in a bit.

Yes, that's the one.

But you really can't call her that nowadays.

-[knock at door] -Yes?

Hi, Chris. Do you have, like, 40-45 minutes?

Not that long, no. Is this about the Buble conspiracy?

I don't know what that is.

Thanks, Evelyn.

No, can you leave the room, please?

Oh, my God!

-Sorry! -[Chris] Quickly.

So, listen, I don't want to name names,

but there is someone in the office who I started to think of

-as more than just a friend. -Why?

Oh, 'cause she's really nice.

-Are you talking about me? -No. Why, you're interested?

Of course not. So, this is about Tuva.

Oh, I really don't want to say who it is.

-I'm guessing it's not Mary. -Oh, no. God, no, definitely not Mary!

Anyway, it turns out, this person, for whatever reason,

has actually ended up having sex with someone else on our team.

-Jerry? -I really don't want to name names.

-Yes, but surely not Mary? -No, still not Mary.

Thing is, this person is, in fact, a very good friend.

Jerry? Of course, he walks all over you.

And on top of that, I've found out he has a wife.

Jerry's married?

So, now I'm beginning to question, do I even know

-who this person is anymore? -Jerry?

What do you think I should do? Should I talk to him about it?

[exhales]

[inhales]

Yes.

Right.

So, yes.

Can I have a raisin?

Yes.

[gasps, groans softly]

-[inhales] -[door opens]

Hey, beautiful!

Okay, so I'm just going to say it, so we can move on.

-Oh, my God. You're pregnant? -It's been less than 12 hours.

-I don't care, I want to keep it. -No, this was a one-off.

-It can never happen again. -I don't understand.

You sure sounded like you were enjoying yourself.

Yeah, no, sometimes I moan like that when I'm really bored.

I thought we had a connection!

You kept calling me Melissa.

Oh, come on. Was it really that bad?

Melissa! [sobs]

[continues sobbing]

-Yes. -Fine. You know what?

Actually, I was on my way to find you and tell you the same thing. So…

So, are we good?

[scoffs] Do you really think this is the first time

I've had a one-night stand? Please.

Great!

-[door closes] -[sobs]

[screams]

-[door opens] -[Joseph] Hi, Jerry.

I just wondered if we'd have a little chat.

It's actually not a great… It's not a great time for me.

I'm super busy.

Did Tuva come and see you?

You know what? She did. Ha!

Poor kid. She won't leave me alone!

So clingy.

I had to shut that shit down.

I'm actually worried about her. She was a mess.

I hope she's going to be okay.

Listen, if you ever want to chat about anything,

-just, you know I'm here, right? -Okay, thanks.

Maybe you can come around to mine tonight,

get my dad to cook something and we can… chat?

Nah, I think it'll be too spicy.

Let's go out! Come on.

Can we go somewhere cozy?

Of course! The Railway Inn is super cozy, honestly.

Is it?

Do they do mashed potato?

I can ask. It's very easy to make.

[sniffles]

-Okay. -Yeah?

Yeah.

-Let's do this. -Great.

[keyboard clacking]

-[sighs] -[phone ringing]

Very nice!

Hey, does this turn into a topless place later?

-I don't think so, no. -Listen, I'm really glad

we decided to go out, man. Just us two guys.

[Joseph] Um, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, do you want to just have a seat and I'll get this first round?

-What would you like? -Yeah. I'll have a scotch.

-Top shelf, neat. -Cool, neat.

No, neat. No ice.

Yeah. Yeah, that's neat.

Oh, hey. Also, get another round of whatever those two are having.

-What, for us? -For them.

Oh, right. Okay.

[exclaiming]

Hey, Tuva. What are you doing here?

Hey! You want to see some magic tricks?

-Um, I can't really. -Oh, come on. Pick a card.

Okay, okay. Just really quick. I love magic!

[exhales]

-[phone ringing] -[exhales]

Hello?

I am so sorry, Jerry. There was a huge queue.

-Where did you get that? -I didn't even see that.

-Cheers, buddy. -Cheers, man.

Mm!

Oh, this is nice, isn't it?

-Just us two, chatting away. -[sighs]

-Right? -Yeah.

Well, you know, it just dawned on me when I…

We've never really ever spoken about relationships and stuff.

No. So, when was the last long-term relationship you had?

-Oh, me? -Mm.

-Probably, like, my gran. -Do you have a type?

No, I just haven't really established a pattern yet.

[chuckles softly]

-Hm. Mm-hm. -You ever hooked up with anyone at work?

No, not yet.

Aren't there, like, 6,000 people working at GCHQ?

Well, yeah. But I can't access everywhere with my pass.

Yeah. But surely, those odds are great.

I mean, even for something happening by chance.

Yeah, but I don't know how accurate a figure that is.

That might include staff from GCHQ Bude, for all I know.

I don't want to have to trek down there every time. Uh…

I'm not making you uncomfortable, am I? I'm just trying to be friendly.

No, it's, um… [laughs]

What?

No, it's just nice hearing you refer to me as a friend. That's all.

Are you all right?

You know what, let's get another round.

So, drink?

No, I'll get these. That's absolutely fine.

Right, then get us a couple of shots, too.

Neat?

Yeah.

Hey!

So, who are you here with?

Oh, just a couple of old school friends.

Those two?

No! Not them two, no, no.

You want a drink?

Uh, yeah, maybe just, like, a really quick one.

Can we have a couple of tequilas?

This is a little bit tricky at the moment,

because one of the people that I'm here with,

he's a bit upset because the girl he was seeing, she split up with him. So…

-Is she hot? -She, um…

-Uh, I find her attractive. Yeah. -Hmm.

-Are you going to say something? -To you? To the…

Oh, I don't know, maybe. I just don't want him to think

that I've been thinking about them having sex! [chuckles]

There you go.

-Oh, well. -Oh, well.

[Tuva clears throat]

-[speaks foreign language] -Right.

-Oh, my God! What's that? -You never had tequila before?

I thought it was like squash.

I am so sorry, Jerry.

-Man, what took so long? -I had to pop to the toilets,

and I've got the runs, I think.

Surely, that would make things quicker?

Well, there wasn't a cubicle.

-Let's do this. Cheers, buddy. -Cheers, mate.

-Ooh! Yeah! -[both laugh]

So, what were we talking about?

Well, I think you were about to tell me about your last relationship.

What? No, man. Don't bring me down.

-I'm trying to get up! -[women laughing]

You know, you really should go for one of those. Which…

-Which one's your favorite? -I wouldn't want to choose. It's fine.

-Come on, man! -No, Jerry, honestly.

Oh, they're so waiting for you.

-They're begging for it! -She's not.

All right. I'm gonna go talk to 'em, see what I can do.

Come on, come on. Quickly, quickly.

-Okay. -Yeah, baby!

Mm! Mm!

So…

Just so I know,

-how much are you willing to spend? -[gulps] What?

-[knock at door] -Hi, Chris!

Uh, just to let you know that I've finally cracked it.

Yes, I was just going to take a look.

I'll let Dixons know.

-Is there something else? -No, no! Um…

-I should probably get back to Mum. -Yes! Good idea.

The district nurse just called, and she's, um…

died.

Okay. Try not to take this the wrong way,

but they both have concerns about your dwarfism.

Fine. I completely understand. What about you?

-I think I'm starting to get used to it. -No!

-Are you interested in either of those? -No. I'm not looking for a relationship.

Oh, what, because you're married, Jerry?

Have people been talking about me behind my back?

-Why didn't you tell me? -It's none of your business.

-Well, you told Tuva. -That was different, all right?

-It just slipped out. -Well, Jerry, there's been plenty

of times it could have easily slipped out of me.

-What? -[waiter] Sorry, guys.

What else did Tuva say about me?

I don't know. Why would I care about how she feels about you?

Wait a…

-You like Tuva? -Yes, I like…

-Of course I like Tuva, obviously! -Oh!

Why is that so funny?

No, it's just…

-Oh, you deserve better. -No, I don't!

Hey, I'm just trying to look out for you, okay?

-You just said we were buddies. -Buddies don't keep things

-from each other. -Exactly!

I didn't know you liked her like that.

You should have made your feelings more obvious.

[Tuva] Hey!

-What? Tuva? What? -Hello.

-So, is Jerry your date? -Mm-hm.

Cool. Why didn't you say?

Wha… You knew she was here?

-Sorry. Did I not tell you that? -Is this why you brought me here,

-so you two can hang out? -Hang on. I just need to work out

exactly how this came about. 'Cause I'm quite drunk now.

-This is how you try to cheer me up? -Apart from this bit,

-I'm having a great night. -[Tuva] Me, too.

I'm going to go out to the garden to smoke some weed.

-[Jerry] Whoa. -[Tuva] Want to come?

-No, because my asthma's… -[Jerry groans]

-Sorry. -Knock yourself out.

Cool. Later.

Why would you lie to me? I thought we were friends.

I thought we're friends, too. But some people think you walk all over me.

What? What else do they say?

-That you pee sitting down. -Okay, that's my business.

And not always. Sometimes I don't know what's going to happen,

-so I play it safe. -That you're secretly vegan.

Oh, fuck you!

-That you're weak! -You think I'm weak?

You're always talking about how tough you are, but no one's ever seen it.

-Okay. Here. You want to arm-wrestle? -No, it's hurts my arm!

-Whatever! -You know what?

-I'm done. -Where are you going? Hey!

-Hey, don't walk away. I'm talking to you! -I'm going home, Jerry.

Oh, what a wuss!

-Get up. -What?

-Get up! -Why?

We're fighting.

-Go! -What? Oh, we're going to fight?

I'm the one who should be fighting you!

Go for it. Move the table.

Oh, you want help with the table?

-Yeah, where are we going? -Yeah. Just to the right, like that.

-Yeah! -Thank you.

I can move furniture, too.

-Go for it! -Look at that, and this!

Here, here. You have enough space for all your moves?

Huh? You a little…

-Little what? -Just little.

-[groans] -Yeah. Sorry, buddy.

I'm sorry. It's just instinct. Sorry.

Hey! Hey. Okay.

-Can you stop hugging me? Yeah? -No!

Hey.

[groans] Ow, Jerry.

-Sorry. Again, instinct. -[groans]

Come on, get up. Hey, don't try…

-Ow! -Yeah, you're not gonna kick me!

Where are you going, you little squirrel?

You trying to look me in the eye, huh?

-Why are you such a dickhead? -What?

You treat me like shit all the time!

I don't treat you like shit. You're my PA!

I'm not your PA. I've been working at GCHQ for 12 years.

I'm a junior analyst.

-Really? -Yes!

-Just lose the front. -Oh, you think I have a front now?

-Think I'm fronting? -Then why won't you let me in?

-Oh, Jesus. -Come on, why?

You want to know why I won't let you in, huh?

You really want to know?

'Cause the last time I let someone in, I shot him.

I lost my best friend.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Are you happy?

[thudding]

You really gotta work on your instinct.

[whimpers]

[snores]

Jerry, I…

[snores]

♪ Hurray, hurray, hurray Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times Just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds Hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy And we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics Of the old "Red Flag" ♪

♪ And wait until we drop down dead! ♪