Original subtitles

Mary, boardroom now.

Jerry, Joseph.

Quickly!

Haven't got long.

Whenever you're ready, gentlemen.

So how's everyone doing, huh? Are we all okay? Wow, you're tight.

Chris, can we get some bagels and maybe some pastries?

Also, I'd love a little pot of honey. And some pasta arrabbiata.

-Want another coffee? -I'd better not.

Firstly, I would like to thank all of you for staying through the night.

No, I love it like this.

Some of the best decisions I've ever made were at night.

Let's do this!

-I will have some coffee. -Sit.

Okay. So as you are aware, currently, all key NHS systems are down

as a result of what Tuva has identified as a polymorphic virus. Tuva?

-It's polymorphic virus. -Thank you.

In short, we have detected the destructive subsection of malware,

which has infiltrated the entire NHS network,

preventing all doctors and nurses

from accessing patient records across the country.

Just as a little tip,

you might wanna take a breath every now and then.

So, um, how big a deal is this, I mean, really?

Huge. Approximately one in three Britons uses the NHS every day.

In five hours, it'll be chaos.

Well, if it's just three people, I could probably treat them myself.

I said one in three.

Well, even so, why those same people using the NHS every day?

See, that's the problem with free healthcare.

Boom. Mic drop.

[Chris] If this gets out, there will be mass panic.

Mary, what's the variance analysis?

Well, there's good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

-I don't care. -Good news. No, you should always

deliver the good news first.

That way, there's a chance the person might not even hear the bad news.

I agree. I was once singing "Happy Birthday"

at a friend's party so loud,

no one even heard that the building was on fire.

-Is that what you meant? -Nope.

Mary, please continue. We are on a ticking clock here.

Okay. So, the good news is,

the virus is definitely running from a single source

and I've managed to narrow down

which codes we need to go through to debug the system.

How many? Approximately?

About, uh… 50,000?

Right.

-And the bad news? -Wait, whoa.

That… that wasn't the bad news?

Because the virus is unstable, there's no way of us handling

the output digitally.

We're going to have to go through all the entries by hand.

-What the fuck? -[Chris] Jerry.

[Joseph] There's more.

Right. Chris, can you and I have a word in private?

No.

Okay, then can everyone please cover your ears?

[Tuva] I'm not listening anyway.

You know, you can tell me if this is a drill.

It's not a drill.

We don't run drills through the night.

With respect, isn't that exactly what you'd say if this were a drill, though?

[mouthing]

With respect, isn't it also exactly what I would say if it weren't?

-Sorry, you've completely lost me. -Sorry, is this a drill?

-It's not a drill. -Well…

It's not a drill.

-What? -A drill!

-Sorry. -[quietly] I think it's a drill.

If we're doing this by hand, we'd better crack on.

Surely it'd be quicker to just go after whoever's responsible

and disable the virus from their own machine?

MI5 are already looking into who may be behind this.

Great. Then we should give them a hand.

Apprehending the culprit isn't our job, I'm afraid.

You know that I'm trained in profiling and enhanced interrogation, right?

Even if we did use those methods over here, it's not our job.

-Shall we make a start? -[Jerry] Chris, seriously,

I mean, Joseph and I have already made excellent progress honing in on a suspect.

And from a career point of view, wouldn't it stand you in good stead

for a position at MI5?

-What makes you think I wanna work at MI5? -Doesn't everyone here?

I just assumed this place was like a holding pen.

-You have two minutes to convince me. Go. -Joseph, show her what we've got.

Okay, so, I have written a program that, fingers crossed,

should be able to predict whether the person behind this attack

is male or female.

Just to narrow it down.

And once you've narrowed it down… to half the population,

what do you plan to do? Knock on each of their doors?

It's what Santa does.

Sorry. That was a joke, to take the edge off how you're looking at me.

What Joseph means is, now that we have a working program,

we can start to add in all kinds of different parameters.

-Like what? -Whether the person behind this

is a known cyber terrorist.

If we knew that, we'd know if they were male or female.

That was a bad example. I really need the loo as well.

The point is, we're gonna hone in on someone, and for the record,

I very much doubt this is the work of a woman.

-Why? -I just have really good instincts

about women.

For starters, why would a woman hack the NHS? Huh?

It's not a very womanly thing to do.

The fact is, if you're a woman,

you are far less likely to be a terrorist.

Thank you. See?

Yeah, but we're not making same point here.

I actually once got stopped and searched whilst wearing a hijab.

Why were you wearing a hijab?

I got it from a charity shop. Didn't actually know what it was.

-Isn't that offensive? -Oh, gosh. Sorry.

Don't apologize to me. [quietly] Apologize to Joseph.

-Why? -Isn't that your area?

I've never worn a hijab.

-Sorry. -That's all right.

-[laptop chimes] -Ah! Male.

Ah. There you go. See? I was right.

So we know the person behind this is a man.

-Go and tell MI5. -Right.

I see what you did there.

Actually, no, there's a confidence interval on that.

Okay, so there's a 40% chance that it's a man.

So 60% chance it's a woman.

No, that can't be right.

Great. So we're looking for a woman now.

For absolute safety, let's tell MI5 that we're looking

for either a woman or a man.

Or why don't you stop wasting mine and everyone else's time

and focus on something more tangible. Shall we?

Look, Chris, if this a drill--

It's not a drill! Will you please stop saying that?

Why is this even happening?

I mean, don't these guys use, what, anti-virus software?

-Joseph? -What?

Weren't you meant to be assisting them with that?

After the 2018 NHS systems merge?

Well, yeah, but they just never responded to my memos, so I just--

I think part of the problem with the way you write

is that people don't believe it comes from a human.

Okay.

Surely, you could have just installed the security plug-ins remotely?

That would have been the next obvious step

if you knew that they were making themselves vulnerable.

I couldn't think of any new passwords, though.

-Mine always end up being the same one. -Jesus.

Mine always end up being "dingnew69."

Well, don't be surprised if this gets called into review in a few months' time.

-I don't know what else to say-- -Maybe just don't say anything?

Can we please get on? I'm briefing the Health Secretary before dawn.

-Hello, everyone. -Oh, fucking hell. What now?

So HR said you all need to stop what you're doing and eat for 15 minutes.

We don't have time for Chinese. Staff welfare is one thing,

but so are the lives of countless individuals

up and down the country.

Don't you have an appraisal soon?

I'll have the pork balls.

Can I just ask, is this on GCHQ,

because Mummy won't let me carry

-any cash on me. -Evelyn?

-I can't afford it. -No. Go and check with HR.

Right. Sure. See you later, everybody.

Is she usually that perky?

Wouldn't you be, too, if you'd been asleep all day?

Now, for the love of God, can we please get on?

Yeah, come on, let's do this, people. I'll have the Chinese menu.

Oh, yes, sure.

[Jerry snores]

Surely we've got to be getting close.

How long have we been going?

-Twenty minutes. -What?

Hey, guys. Um, HR have said

everyone can have up to £10 for the takeaway.

-I'll just take the cash. -How much?

If we're sharing, I can't eat fish or seafood, sadly.

Otherwise my neck really swells up.

I'd love to see how big it can get one day.

Oh, gosh. Okay.

[yawns] Could I just get some rice, please, Evelyn?

-Uh, what kind? -Just cooked, thanks.

-And can I have some water chestnuts? -Mm-hm.

And a big bag, in case I'm sick.

Okay.

You know what? I think I'll just have the… Hello?

-Right, Mary, I'm leaving you in charge. -Wha… Uh-uh.

-Gosh. Really? Are you sure? -I'll only be gone an hour or so.

It's just, because last time I was left fully in charge of the Guides,

it cost the parish over £40,000 in damages.

That sounds like a great night.

I know we're not technically going around the room,

but I'm more than happy to throw my hat in the ring

in a kind of lead from the very back kind of way? No?

Look, Chris, I get you giving that responsibility

to the oldest person in the room,

but wouldn't it make more sense leaving me in charge?

So you and Joseph can get back to your computer games? No, thanks.

No. Wait, wait, wait. Come on. Do you really think I'm gonna jeopardize

the lives of… How did you put it? …countless individuals

up and down the country, just to prove to you that my way is quicker?

Chris, please. Have a little faith in my respect for… for your command.

Fine. Jerry's in charge.

Everyone, keep doing what you're doing.

Call me with any developments. I'll be back before dawn.

[door beeps]

Okay, drop this shit. Let's go.

Oh, my God.

Listen up.

My gut is telling me

we're looking for someone who used to work for the NHS.

Maybe a disgruntled former employee.

Check that against anyone with a strong background

in computer engineering.

-Yeah, on it. -[Jerry] Tuva, talk to me.

-Why are you wearing a headset? -It helps me focus.

Now come on, people, let's do this!

-[keyboards clacking] -We're on a clock here.

What does that say?

Mary, can you just take a look at this?

-Anything? -[Mary] No.

-What does NHS stand for? -National Health Service.

[snoring]

Okay?

[moans]

-Anything? -[Joseph] No, nothing useful.

[mumbles to himself]

-Anything? -Oh, God. No, not yet.

-Goddamn it! -Sorry.

So, look, we've narrowed it down to… That's 400 people, basically.

What's the motive for the crime? Motive for the crime?

Are you allowed to say that?

And you are my number one.

Ooh, God, I can't wait to get out of these clothes.

-Me, too. -Oh, gosh. Quentin.

-Didn't know you were still here. -I'm always here.

Some forensic profiles for cross-referencing purposes.

Nice to see you again. Night-night.

Oh… night.

There's a spare bed in the basement. In case you get sleepy.

No, no. That's okay. Thank you.

[Joseph] Oh, golly gosh.

Did you manage to go to the toilet yet?

No, I got as far as the second floor, and then I had to turn back.

-It's so scary with it being dark. -Oh, I know.

I once saw the ghost of Alan Turing

-in the car park. -Really?

-Was he looking for a space? -I got something!

Okay, so one of the things I've started to realize

is that it's much easier doing this when you have color photos.

Gosh, that's a very diverse bunch, isn't it?

-Thank you. -I'm worried it's a bit too diverse.

Okay, so what I've done here

is assimilate all the data from the program,

along with Tuva's trace matches, and combined that with an algorithm

that basically mimics my own gut instincts.

Anyway, taking all of that into account, these are our top six suspects.

You know two of these are the same person?

Yeah. It was a test. You passed.

Anyone have a preference as to which photo we use?

Maybe the one where he's smiling?

I know you shouldn't say it,

but I always think it must be quite stressful being a terrorist.

-Yeah. -[Jerry] Okay.

Oh, God, isn't that, um, thingy from the Doritos commercial?

-[Jerry] Oh, yeah. -You know the one I mean?

-So, no? -We'd probably

have to go through his agent, anyway.

Who exactly are we looking at here, then?

Right. So, my money is on Abdullah…

uh… blah-blah-blah.

And he's resident in the UK?

Yeah, I guess as much as Joseph is resident in the UK.

I am resident in the UK. Did he work for the NHS as well, then?

Yes, he's a licensed chiropractor, which, as we all know,

is not a real thing, so immediately, I was like, "Wah-wah-wah-wah."

What about Jenny Taylor? She worked for the NHS for 20 years.

Was made redundant in 2017 after the cuts.

The following year, she lost her husband

when he was accidentally prescribed the wrong medication for eczema…

Oh, gosh. Plus she has a PhD in computer science,

and hasn't been seen for the last three weeks.

Well…

Yeah, I don't know.

I keep being drawn back to Abdullah for some reason.

Isn't that Faruk Aqashaq?

I don't know. Depends what you just said.

That is Faruk, but it won't be him.

He sadly blew his brains out

-in prison in 2014. -Right.

-Did he die? -[mouthing] I think so.

Okay, so… This is great. We're slowly narrowing it down to Abdullah.

-Who is Margaret? -I thought it could be her, too,

-but she's been sectioned. -What, like cut up into pieces?

-No. Committed. -Even better. Bye-bye, Maggie.

So, I guess I was right. Abdullah's our guy.

But he doesn't have quite as strong a motive as Jenny.

-Yeah, but look at him. Does he need one? -[Joseph] But motives are your thing.

That's what you've been saying. It's all about motive.

Wait a minute. Are you guys honestly telling me

that behind the face of this sweet, respectable white lady,

is the monster we're looking for?

-Jesus! -Oh, my God.

-When did she come in? -[clears throat]

Please tell me this isn't what it looks like.

Why? What does it look like?

That you've undermined my authority,

putting your own ego ahead of GCHQ procedure,

to pursue an agenda fueled by ignorance and racial prejudice.

Maybe you're the racist for assuming I'm racist…

when Jenny here clearly has the requisite background,

education and motive to hack the NHS.

Shame on you, Chris.

And you're welcome.

Follow me. Chop-chop.

[Chris] I specifically said, "Carry on doing exactly what you are doing."

-[Jerry] You wanna do this now? -[Chris] Why not?

-[Chris] For God's sake… -[Jerry] This is crazy…

-You need to focus. -Oh, that's Yankee bullshit.

Come on, Chris, we're always gonna have a different approach.

We're like, uh, Han Solo and Jabba the Hutt.

Anyway, it worked, right?

-We have a suspect now. -And what if you're wrong?

Yeah. I don't think that's physically possible.

-But either way, we're out of time. -Yes, because of you!

Listen. If this is because we ended up honing in on a woman,

believe me, I'm as disappointed as you are.

But for right now, all I need is for you to turn a blind eye

so I can hack into Jenny's home computer.

No. That's not how we do things here.

-[knocking] -What?

Update from Whitehall.

Um, both Chelsea Hospital and Royal Holloway

are unable to proceed with any surgery,

and dozens admitted last night are now in a critical state

'cause they can't access medical records.

Also, I don't quite know how to say this, but, um…

the food's gonna be another 30 minutes.

Leave!

Sorry.

Do what you have to do.

But this conversation never happened.

Right. Understood.

Why are you winking?

What do you mean? No one's winking here.

Can you stop winking?

Okay. I'd appreciate, as a general rule,

if you didn't say out loud when I'm winking.

Okay? Let's try that again.

-Absolutely not. -Fine.

How long before we know if Jenny's our guy?

-That depends. -On what?

On whether you're going to stop talking.

Are you okay? Do you still need the toilet?

I tried pushing really hard, now I feel guilty.

Why?

If I'd done my job properly, none of this would have happened.

No, you can't think like that.

That's like me feeling guilty about the war in Iraq.

You really think Christine would give you a job

that was important to national security?

That's true.

-Oh, what a gorgeous doggy. -[Tuva] I'm in.

-Is it her? -Not sure.

I can't find…

-Yes, it's her. -Yes! I knew it was her.

-Anything? -It's her.

Let me see if I can disable the virus.

Come on, come on, you got this, Tuva.

What do you guys do to celebrate after a crisis?

Move on to the next crisis.

At the NSA, we like to set off a bunch of fireworks.

Although, the CIA recently asked us to stop

because it was becoming too obvious whenever we got a lead.

We've got that lovely central grassy area, perfect for fireworks.

But HR said they've seen hedgehogs mating.

Let's put a pin in any potential celebrations for now, don't you think?

-Come on. Focus. -Come on, Tuva.

-Come on, Tuva. -You can do this.

We're running out of time.

My poor bum.

-Can you feel it vibrate? -Yes, I can.

[computer chimes]

-[Joseph sighs] God. -Well done.

-[Joseph] I'm off to the toilet. -That's it?

Wait, wait. Hey, hey, come back here.

Oh, no. Come here, come here. I know you Brits don't touch but, come on,

group hug right now. Bring it in!

-[chants] Tuva! Tuva! Tuva! -[Joseph] Tuva! Tuva!

-Tuva! Tuva! -Tuva! Yes! Whoo! Okay.

Now lift me up.

Guys, um…

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

-I'm waiting. -What for?

Oh, come on.

Come on. You can say it. I did good, right? It worked.

Yes. Despite breaking 100 different rules,

you did good. Well done.

-Thank you. -Shame it was all a drill, really.

What?

You're kidding.

Sorry. Couldn't say. Obvious reasons.

Oh, fucking hell!

I said it was a drill! Like, three times!

Fucking bullshit!

[Chris humming]

-[Jerry] Joseph! -[Joseph] Yeah?

[Jerry] It was a drill!

-[Joseph] What? -[Jerry] Yeah. She lied!

-[Chris continues humming] -Sorry. It was a drill?

Of course it wasn't. Go back to sleep.

[Jerry] That was dirty, man! I mean, come…

-[Jerry] You timing this? -Yeah.

[Jerry] Okay, give her the shrimp.

-Ready? -Yes.

[Jerry] What's the biggest your neck's ever got?

[Joseph] What does the measurement say?

♪ Hurray, hurray, hurray Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times Just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds Hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy And we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics Of the old "Red Flag" ♪

♪ And wait until we drop down dead ♪