Original subtitles

[monotonous beeping]

-Morning. -Morning. All right?

[slurps]

[rapid beeping]

[notification jingle]

What does that mean?

[notification jingle]

Oh, um, Evelyn, can I get a hot squash, please?

-Why, is there a kid coming? -Uh, it's for me.

So sorry I'm late! The hotel I'm staying at doesn't have a decent gym,

so I had to free run all the way here.

Free run? What's that?

Watch and learn, babe!

[softly] Wow.

Do you have an update on China?

Actually, my buddy at the NSA and I

did some pretty breath-taking work on that.

This is first-rate intel. My guy's the best.

This is just taken from Wikipedia.

Right, you have that here?

Oh, can I get a protein shake?

-Yes. Would you like, uh, lamb or beef? -That'll be all, thanks, Evelyn.

That reminds me, who do I talk to about switching hotels?

Certainly not me, certainly not now.

Because I need a place that serves organic chicken breasts, like, 24/7.

Okay, so… just so that you know,

everyone at CySec will be having to redo their APT tests.

That's great!

Is that because I accidentally deleted

the entire department's files on previous aptitude scores?

-What do you think? -A coincidence?

You know, this is a perfect opportunity for me to get to know where everyone's at.

As merely liaison with the NSA,

what makes you think you need to know where everyone is at?

Who knows what I'll need to liaise with them about?

Plus, we run aptitude tests at the NSA, like, every few hours,

just to make sure we're constantly at the top of our game.

This will let us know if you're at the top of yours.

I'm exempt.

-Why would you be? -Because I'm NSA.

That's even more reason for you to take the tests. You're one of the team now.

Maybe you and I should talk about this privately.

I just don't want to lower morale by getting the highest score.

I'm sure the team will understand.

I presume you're aware it involves a polygraph test.

-Huh? -[Joseph] Chris, hypothetical question.

What would happen to someone currently at GCHQ,

doing absolutely fine, not counting a few hiccups along the way,

but then doesn't end up faring so well in the tests?

I'd say you'd be fired.

I wasn't talking about me!

There's only so far we can take positive discrimination.

I never really understood that.

Oh, it's when someone who isn't white,

-uh, is really good at what they do. -That's not it.

[Jerry] No, I get what it means,

I just don't see why we should be discriminating on any level,

positive or negative.

Look, ultimately, I just want the best candidates doing the best job…

-Thank you. I agree. -Why are you nodding?

…regardless of whether they're white, Black, or your thing.

Hello!

You know, I'm two percent Native American.

-I bet you couldn't tell. -I can always tell.

Well, I mean, we were all Black once, weren't we?

Oh, that's not racist,

it's just something Mum says.

[man] Oh, cake day!

-What's going on? -[indistinct chatter]

[woman] Anthrax!

Oh, my God, this cake is amazing!

-[knock at door] -Ah, great. Is that my chicken?

Um, yes. I just got a mix of thighs and a couple of big breasts.

Did you do a background check?

-On the chicken? -Yeah.

It's just a rotisserie chicken.

-So, we don't know if it's organic? -Not yet, no.

Close the door.

Shut the blinds. Sit down.

So, I've been thinking about these tests tomorrow.

Oh, God, me, too!

Hopefully, they'll just demote me if I get a bad score.

Is it even possible for you to get demoted?

-You're the least-paid here, right? -What makes you say that?

Maybe we could help each other out.

What if I was the one overseeing the tests?

You'd help me pass?

Well, I'd have to take into account just how bad your score was.

-I wouldn't want it to be too obvious. -No, of course.

Plus, sometimes it's a good thing for a certain person in the group to fail,

so everyone gets to see what that looks like.

Yeah, no, I can get that.

Do you want me to fail on purpose? I can do that.

No. Definitely not. All I mean is,

if the Titanic had successfully crossed the Atlantic to New York,

do you really think that film would've grossed $2.1 billion at the box office?

I still don't know what you mean.

Are you saying that it sank on purpose?

No. All I'm saying is you should stick with me and everything will be okay.

Well, I hope that's true.

But that's what Scar says in The Lion King, isn't it?

And then it all goes tits up!

So, have upstairs signed off on this, then?

Yes. Kind of.

-Who does Chris report to? -Rupert.

-Then, no. -Right. I can sort you out, though.

So Rupert is on a plane, but I should still be able to patch you through.

I just need one second to figure out the best way to act--

-[Rupert] Hello? -Oh, shit!

Rupert! Hey!

It's, uh, Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

-Jerry! -Hello.

-Chris says you're settling in well. -Oh, yeah, I'm having…

-How are you fi… -Sorry, um…

-How are you… -I'm having… It's…

-I'm thrilled… -How are…

-No, you go. -Pardon?

[chuckles]

-I said I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled. -What?

I think there's a delay.

-Can you fix it? -[Joseph] Ow!

-Yes, I'm on a plane. I'm… -[Jerry] No, I see that.

Oh, now you're frozen.

-It's a good look, but you're fro… -[Joseph] Ow!

-[Rupert] Jerry. -Yeah?

[Rupert] Tell me, how are you getting along with Chris?

-She has one hell of a reputation. -Does she?

For sleeping around?

[Rupert] No. For being good at her job.

No, right. Of course. Um…

I was just wondering if she had some kind of condition,

because I usually vibe with all types of women.

Uh, look, Jerry, we're about to land in Syria, so…

Hello, champagne!

Do you mind if I conduct those, um,

what is it, the CySec aptitude tests that are scheduled for tomorrow?

I didn't quite catch any of that.

But I'm sure it'll be fine.

That's great! Great. I was just saying that, um,

since I'll be running the aptitude tests tomorrow,

which you just verbally agreed to,

I'm just bummed, you know, I'm bummed

that I won't be able to take the tests myself.

But I'll be sure to let Christine know of this conversation, okay?

I think Tuesday.

Sounds good.

Have a lovely time in Syria!

-[Jerry] Yeah, I think we're… -[Joseph] That was dead easy!

Yeah! Is he an alcoholic?

Yes, he is.

-Pardon? -Oh, shit!

Jerry?

I think you're frozen now.

Hm.

[Jerry] Chris, I don't know what to say.

Rupert and I were just spitballing about ways to freshen up the tests,

and, bam, he put me in charge.

-I hope you don't think it was my idea. -If only he was reachable to verify that.

And you're exempt, I presume?

Well, yeah. I mean, if I'm going to be overhauling the way the tests are run,

I don't want to sway the results.

So I think I'd like to start by timing how quickly everyone can get undressed

and then put their clothes back on again.

-To test aptitude? -Yeah.

Also, are you familiar with the game "sardines?"

Okay, so what I'd like to do is a quick polygraph test.

-What's that piece of crap? -Just a backup.

I prefer the older models.

-Do you mind if I touch your head? -Um, whereabouts?

-Here and here? -Yes, that's fine.

-Ow! Ow! -What's the problem?

I can't get these to stick. There's too much hair.

Well, can't you just take it off? It's a wig, right?

-No! -I'm happy to shave an area.

No, that won't be necessary. Just hold them in place.

Not you.

Oh. Sorry.

[whispers] Sorry if my fingers are a bit smelly.

Thank you, Quentin.

Okay, so, Mary, we're going to start by doing just a couple of trial questions.

So…

[machine whirrs]

…what is your full name?

Um, Mary Fanny Needham.

So I've added a slight U.S. vibe to your standard APT test.

Can you just start bouncing up and down on that for me?

What… No, you put your feet on that.

On the bar. Wait, where are you going?

-Like that? -What are you doing?

Now, I'm going to call out ten numbers,

and I want you to repeat them back to me, but in reverse order.

Three, zero, 34, nine, 81,

four, four again, 53,

nine and 528.

-Are you talking to me? -Come on, man!

Yes or no, would you ever betray your country for drugs, money or sex?

Sex.

[pants] 528, nine, three, four again, four!

528, nine, 53,

four, four, 81,

nine, 34, zero, three.

I'll have to make sure

-that that's correct. -It is.

Four? 300 and--

-[air horn blows] -[yelps]

Get up, we're going again.

[Jerry] Did you vote for Brexit?

I don't know. Who is that?

Ow! Ow.

[groans] Jesus Christ, why do you keep hitting me?

I'm just testing your reflexes.

What was the name of your first pet?

Wolf.

-That was the name of your pet? Wolf? -Yeah.

What… what was your… Was it a wolf?

-Yeah. -That's really cool!

How do you think I'm doing overall?

'Cause I weirdly feel I'm doing quite well! Ow!

-You can try to hit me, too. -Okay.

-What the fuck… -Sorry.

-Would you ever sleep with a co-worker? -God, that's so embarrassing!

Maybe, I don't know, like, an American.

Sorry.

-Would you ever sleep with-- -Yes! Mary!

Oh, fuck you!

-Would you ever sleep with a co-worker? -I just came to clean the room.

-What are you doing Friday? -[snickers]

-Would you ever sleep with a co-worker? -[Chris] Of course not.

[needle whirrs]

So that's not what the machine is saying.

Oh, my God.

-Is the person you have feelings for… -I don't have feelings for anyone.

…in this room?

This is a waste of time.

[exclaims]

[screams]

Sardines.

[Jerry] Hm…

Oh, Chris!

Of course, they used anthrax to kill off all the rabbits in the '50s.

[Joseph] That looks like my dad!

It would be annoying if you found out a family member was…

A terrorist.

So, what would you do if they end up letting you go?

I'll be fine. I've always had this dream of becoming a trumpet teacher.

-Oh. That'd be nice! -You play trumpet?

I'd have to learn first, but…

Oh, Jerry? Jerry, how did we all do? Are the results in?

I'm still calculating everyone's scores. But, Tuva,

you should consider working for the NSA with marks this high.

-Mary, looks like you're safe. -[Mary chuckles]

Do you still need that urine sample?

Oh, God, yes.

Jerry, do you want one from Mary and I?

No.

Please don't just sit there. Go and find out when Rupert's back.

[sighs] Sure. I'll check with Pa.

Check with who, sorry?

Pa. Is that not her name?

His PA?

It's pronounced "pee-aye."

How can you not know that? That's what you are.

-Go away. -Oh, my God!

-[Jerry] Oh! -[Evelyn] You smell nice, Jerry.

[Jerry] Mm-hm.

-Yes? -Hey, hun.

-Please don't call me that. -So listen,

about earlier…

I just wondered whether we should keep your feelings for me secret.

If there was anything to keep secret, and there isn't,

the last person I'd trust with that information is you.

I understand why you might wanna deny it,

but just so you know, you're not the first.

-To deny it? -At the NSA,

about 80% of the staff are attracted to me,

and that's just those we know about.

I'm not attracted to you. This isn't the war.

British women don't just drop their bloomers for any GI spiv

with an accent and a Hershey bar.

Well, that's not what your biometric data is showing.

I'd hate for this to get out and embarrass you.

You and I know those machines are unreliable.

I know of only two real cases

where a polygraph has given false readings,

and in both cases, they happened in films.

-There must be a mistake. -Then, why are you so nervous around me?

There is no way I have feelings…

The polygraph doesn't lie.

-Well, there's only one way to prove that. -Mm-hmm?

You take it.

I've no problem taking a polygraph!

Wait…

So, how did I do? Are you able to mark me up?

I'll try, but your score was really on the fence.

Oh, God! Which side?

Okay, listen, so I kinda painted myself into a corner here.

I might need to cue you at certain times in the testing.

-What do you mean? -Well…

-It doesn't matter. -What do you mean, cue you?

-Shh! -What's Joseph doing here?

Yeah, I'd like an impartial adjudicator on this,

someone who lacks the mental capacity to skew the results.

Fair enough. Should be fun. Are you ready?

Nearly. [shudders]

[shudders]

Are you all right?

Yeah. Oh, I, uh, I have a little twitch that comes out once in a while.

It's nothing. [shudders]

Do you want me to run through a few trial questions, just to make sure

-the equipment's working? -[Chris] Yes.

Are you all right?

-[Jerry] Yeah. -[Joseph clears throat]

Uh, so answering yes or no, what is your favorite film?

The Greatest Showman.

Have you ever taken any illegal substances?

No. [shudders]

Uh, there was one time, at the NSA,

when I had to sniff a work surface,

but it turned out, the entire surface was covered in crack.

-Yeah. That seems to be working fine. -Great. Shall we begin?

Uh, mm, hold on. Just let me… [inhales deeply]

[exhales loudly]

[inhales deeply]

[exhales loudly] Yes.

-Yes. -Yes.

-Two months ago-- -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Listen, I really think it's only fair

if all the questions come from Joseph.

Okay, how many legs have you got?

No. You don't have to create them, they just have to come from you.

-Oh! -Two. Two.

Yeah.

-What does that say? -Redacted.

-Okay. -[Jerry clears throat]

"Two months ago,

GCHQ intercepted a…"

[both] Redacted.

-Jesus! -[Joseph] Sorry.

"…file from the Oval Office implying a cover-up within the NSA."

"Yes or no, were you aware of such a cover-up?"

[shudders]

-No. -[needle clicks rapidly]

-It says lie. -What the fuck?

I mean, move on! That didn't count.

-Ask another question. -What's a tampon?

-Not… not you! One of… -Sorry.

"Despite requesting upgraded access

to your internal file at the NSA, it still comes up as classified."

-"Why?" -Oh, thank… I don't know.

"However, on speaking with several senior figures at the NSA,

it seems your move over to GCHQ was more to do with damage control."

"Why might that be?"

-Can we take a break? -Yeah.

-No! -I think I might sneeze, actually, um,

and I don't want it to affect the test.

Fine. I'll wait.

-I might be a minute. -[phone vibrates]

What, Evelyn?

Why are you in Asda?

-Put this on your thumb. -What was that about?

-Put it on your fucking thumb! -No! I can't. I don't wanna--

-Do you want me to say you passed? -Did I not?

-Are you kidding? -Jesus!

-Put it on your fucking thumb! -[grunts]

-[Chris] This is ridiculous. -I agree.

Let's get on with this.

"Answer yes or no,

were you disgraced at the NSA and forced to take the position here?"

No. Sorry.

-I… -No.

Have you always had two heartbeats?

Yes. I had a twin but I absorbed him.

Oh, for God's sake! Joseph, leave the room, please.

That's hardly fair.

Joseph! Go! Now!

[whispers] What do you want me to do?

[whispers] Leave it on.

-Don't give it to me. Don't hand it to me. -[mutters indistinctly]

-What is this? -I…

Just get out!

-Get out! Sir! -Sir, I'm sorry.

[scoffing]

Let's try that again.

[groans softly]

Ready?

Mm.

"Answering yes…

-…or no…" -[shudders]

-"Were you dis…" -[shudders]

-"Were you disgraced at the N…" -[shudders]

"Were you disgraced at the NSA and forced to take the position here?"

No.

Motherf… [shudders]

Okay, so this is obviously not an ideal situation

for either of us.

Uh-uh.

On the other hand, this equipment is notorious for acting up.

Isn't it?

Mm-hm.

Maybe I should ask Rupert

to take another look at this when we're not so stretched.

I think that…

is a great idea.

Just between us,

I was right, huh? You do have feelings for me.

I guess we'll never know.

I promise you I wasn't earwigging, but are we writing off that set of tests?

Yes. It would seem so.

You're off the hook. For now!

[sighs in relief] Hallelujah! [laughs]

For now.

-So in love with me! -[Joseph] Really?

It's sad!

-Oh! Uma! Hi. -Hi!

-Just need to empty the bin. -Oh! No, no.

Let me.

-It's okay. -Let me.

-[Chris chuckles] -Sorry.

Sorry.

♪ There are bad times Just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds Hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy And we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics Of the old "Red Flag" ♪

♪ And wait until we drop down dead ♪