Original subtitles

[Joseph] Then you spin it as quick as you can,

then you can see all the different colors.

It's really clever.

You didn't borrow my memory stick, did you?

It's got the picture of a vagina on it.

Printed on the actual sticker or as a JPEG?

-Both. -And it's yours?

The stick belongs to me, but it's not my vagina.

-What does it look like? -My vagina?

Sorry. Do you think terrorists just sit around chatting all day? Get back to work.

I bet some of them do.

You'd go mad otherwise, wouldn't you?

Suicidal.

[beeping, whirring]

Want a biscuit or anything, Tuva?

-No. -Do they give you migraines?

Okay. Right, I need a full update from all of you.

As you heard just now,

we have Jerry Bernstein from the NSA arriving shortly.

Oh, my God. Jerry Bernstein's gonna be working with us?

And he is going to be our NSA liaison.

If you must speak to the Americans, you'll now go through him. Problem?

No. I'm a huge fan. He and I had emailed back and forth on 9/11.

-He's a terrorist. -No.

Whitehall created the position as part of our shared intelligence initiative.

Aside from providing a link to American resources,

I'm told he has a wealth of experience.

-Should I book PizzaExpress? -I suspect he'll be too jetlagged.

I don't mind.

-Sorry. Will he be here long, then? -Yes. Providing he plays by the rules.

[tires screech]

[heavy rock music playing on earphones]

[passengers murmur in discontent]

All right, mate? Excuse me?

Mary, where are we with last week's crypt analysis? Can you stop doing that?

Sorry. The pages are a bit ripped.

It was my cat. I'm worried he might have caught Huntington's disease.

-You're born with Huntington's disease. -No, I wasn't.

-Doesn't matter. -No, I've heard it's really serious.

Tuva, did you manage to hack the Scorpio server?

All the names and IP addresses. Plus recordings of their voicemails.

-Faffering good, Tuva. -[Mary] Wow.

-Some of this is incredibly filthy. -Thank you.

-Oh, I love that kind of stuff. -I can't take it.

-You're not meant to eat it. -Latest systems update, Joseph. Go.

Now? Okay. So, all our main systems seem to be running absolutely fine.

Still got some chatter to analyze from yesterday morning. 25% left to do.

Um, also I did end up stumbling across Matthew McConaughey's browsing history.

Why is GCHQ, Center for Cyber Security

looking at Matthew McConaughey's browsing history?

I suspect it was a glitch in the system. Want to know what he's been looking at?

Is it in the interest of national security?

Not really. It's with lawnmowers mainly, big ones.

Ooh.

Also we've just lost our primary drone

-over the Iranian border. -Jesus Christ.

I know. And to add insult to injury, the Level 3 printer's not working.

Oh, no!

[devices beeping]

"Database breach. Bank of England."

-["The Ketchup Song" ringtone playing] -I've got to change that.

-How do you get yours to just beep? -[Mary] It's just set on beep.

I think this must be Elaine's. She walked down the aisle to this.

[muttering] Sorry. Just get my biscuits. Biscuits! Biscuits! Biscuits!

Quick as you like.

["The Ketchup Song" playing]

Can you grab my luggage or do I need to do that, too?

-[phone rings] -Hello?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, I know. Yes.

-Jerry's here. -[exclaims]

Jerry's here.

Hey, Jerry. Hi. Joseph Harries. So great to finally meet you.

Hey. Sorry, do we know each other?

I'm the one who used to send the NSA weekly cyber memos.

No way. I thought that was spam.

-Oh, no, it was me. -Right.

What was your name again?

-Joseph Harries. -Right.

John, do you mind me asking? Do you have dwarfism in your family?

-Uh, I don't think… No. -Okay. Well, you should check.

-Okay. -Can you give me a hand?

Yes. Absolutely. Right. We're just up on the third floor.

Oh. No. Don't use the wheels. It's quite an expensive case.

Can you carry it in?

-I won't be long. -Uh… yeah. Okay.

[grunts] Oh, my God.

[line ringing]

[Joseph straining]

-[woman over phone] Hello? -Hi, Mom.

[keyboard clacking]

[beeping]

Evelyn?

Evelyn!

[phone rings]

-Hello? -Yeah. Did you want me?

-Yes. Can you come up, please? -Oh, my God.

What?

-Could you not hear me shouting? -I was on the phone.

Yes, to me. Get me a background check on Jerry Bernstein. I need to see his file.

It's classified.

If only there were an institution

that cracked codes to access classified information.

So where's that?

-[Jerry] Okay, shall we go through? -Hey, Jerry.

-They told us to wait here for a sec. -Why?

-Just a security thing. Won't be long. -What, because you're…

Oh, no, it's not that. It's just, they need to check the case.

-Because they think it's yours? -No. No. Standard procedure.

-Happens all the time. -Right. Because you're…

Mary's here, and that's where I sit, just over there.

Jerry, this is Chris Cranfield, Director of Cyber Security at GCHQ.

-Ah. -No way.

I was expecting a guy. Jerry Bernstein. NSA.

-Do you prefer Chris or Christopher? -It's Christine, actually.

Right. These are for you and the team.

[Joseph] Ooh, lovely.

-Ooh! -So what do we got going down?

You wanna give me, like, a two-word summary

-of where we're at? -No.

Why don't you just settle in? We can catch up later.

Joseph, will you show Jerry to his office, please?

-[Joseph] Sure. -Hold the phone. [scoffs]

So, uh, what OS are we using here? Is this Lysander 4.4?

-4.5. -Nice.

This is Tuva Olsen. Used to be one of Europe's most notorious hackers.

Still am.

-That was a joke. -[chuckles] Man, I love humor.

-Jerry Bernstein. NSA. -Bernstein. Is that Jewish?

Wouldn't you like to know, flirt.

Mary, come over and say hello to Jerry. Quickly.

-My, God… [stutters] What happened? -Nothing. What do you mean?

This is Mary Needham, one of GCHQ's finest.

-Finest what? -Cryptanalysts.

[Chris] Mary was one of the first female professors

to be nominated for a Nobel prize.

-Wow. Did you win? -No.

And I ended up getting cystitis on the day, sadly.

-I think it was all the stress. -It's a great story.

Can we get the air con turned on?

It feels about 74 degrees, and I find my team works best at 71.

-Yeah, I can do-- -[Chris] No! Sit down, please.

-I need you to take notes. Please stay. -Yeah.

All right, everyone, listen up!

I am now your best possible resource.

I'm here for you, so I want you to use me.

Exploit me. Punish me.

I wanna feel as if I've been uploaded into each and every one of you. Even you guys.

-What are you doing? -I'm just welcoming everyone.

-Can we get them to stop? -[Chris] No.

We're in the middle of something. Bank of England.

No American liaison required, sadly.

Okay. Listen, I just wanna say, I'm really excited about this.

I think we can learn a lot from each other, especially from me.

It'll be a pleasure collaborating with one of our oldest and closest allies.

-Welcome to GCHQ. -Thank you.

Back to work, everyone!

[Chris] Good morning.

Hey. Do you like the plants?

-You know they'll die in three days? -No, it's fine.

I sprayed them with glue so they're kinda mummified.

By the way, where are HR based? I really need to get hold of my pass.

Fourth floor. But most of them are on school holidays.

-They're still at school? -[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

Um… two secs. Hey, Jerry.

-You all right? -Do you know what this stain is?

-I can't hear you. -Do you know what this stain is?

I can't hear you 'cause of the glass.

-Would you come in? -Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, Jerry.

-I couldn't hear 'cause of the glass. -It's fine. What is this stain?

Um… Oh, gosh. Well, this used to be Elaine's old office.

-It could be anything. -What, she die in here?

No, she's on maternity leave, so could just be that. [sniffs] Oh, God.

-You know what? Let's just… -Yeah. Let's do that.

Hey. Can you hook me up with my pass? I really need the men's room.

Uh, that's HR, but it takes up to about a week for them to respond. So…

No, I gotta go before then.

I can buzz you through.

-Now? -Go.

Yeah.

Nice opportunity to show you around.

You staying somewhere locally in Cheltenham?

-Yeah, the Citrus Hotel. -Oh, lovely.

Went to a couple of wakes there. The food is stunning.

Quickly. So, this is one of our designated quiet rooms.

Because some stuff that we see on the web is quite full-on.

-Can I pee in here? -Uh, no, not really. No.

I sometimes do.

You forget how big this place is, don't you?

Sorry. They must have changed the door code. This way.

-What's this thing? -Not far, Jerry. Here we go.

-So… -[beeps]

[buzzes]

-Do it again. Swipe again. -Hang on.

-Swipe it again. -Okay, okay, okay.

[beeps, buzzes]

Oh, crikey. It's fine, it's fine. Let me just type this in.

-[keypad beeping] -Okay.

Jerry… Sorry. Can you just read me from the fourth…

-From what? From the fourth? -No, four.

-There's no four. You mean the one? -The four… Oh…

-Yes, it's a one. Nine, two… -One, nine, two, seven.

-This should be it. -[beeps]

There you go.

-[buzzes] -[groans] I'm so sorry. Come on.

We have a thumb thing just in case…

-Doesn't always work… -Why didn't you do that to begin with?

'Cause I've been eating crisps

-and it doesn't always work. -Back up.

-[buzzes] -[groans]

Give me your thumb.

-Ow! -What's wrong? You have very small…

-Ow! Okay, there you go. -[beeps]

-[both] Okay. -[buzzes]

Oh, for crying out loud.

I'll do the retina thing. It's fine.

-Come on, man! You're killing me! -[buzzes]

Hang on.

I've got a lazy eye, so sometimes…

-Can you lift me up? -[buzzes]

-Ow! -[beeping]

-Go, go! -This way. Go, go, go, go, go.

[Jerry screams in frustration]

[toilet flushes]

[clears throat]

[inhales deeply]

[clears throat] Yeah. U.S.A.

[indistinct chatter]

…'cause his eyes are quite close together,

and I know he has a cousin who was involved with some kind of atrocity.

-What… -Chris, I'm gonna delete that.

I just want hard copies of the Bank of England report.

The printer's still not working, so I can't.

-[Evelyn] Jerry's file. -Shh!

What's this?

I couldn't get access to view his internal file,

so I just, like, made a front cover.

[Jerry] Here I am.

-Found my way back. -Okay.

Hey, Chris, I worked out what the problem is here.

-The problem is morale. -Right. Thank you.

So, firstly, you really need to put some music on,

'cause everyone in here

currently looks so… [imitates zombie moan]

Do you have Alexa here?

Alexa, play "NSA Nasty Mix II."

Alexa! Alexa!

Secondly, we need to fundraise and build us a gym.

-Yes. -Get the endorphins pumping.

Thirdly, is there any way we can make it so I can see the sun?

Okay, let me stop you just there.

Firstly, I am not your PA.

I am GCHQ's Director of Cyber Security.

Grandpapa built the bouncing bomb,

Mother posed as a triple agent during the Cold War,

while Father came up with an idea called the Internet,

so forgive me if I'm not into office plants and natural light.

Secondly, this isn't the NSA.

You are here strictly to liaise.

We don't work out, we don't listen to playlists,

we fight cybercrime, terrorism, and sex trafficking.

Thirdly, this is my department, these are my staff.

And whilst it's a pleasure collaborating with one of our oldest and closest allies,

I will not have my authority undermined

simply because some privileged fool from Whitehall

thinks that the U.S. can fight cybercrime better than we can!

Do you mind if I get on?

Sorry. It looks like you've stopped talking.

My ears are still fucked from the flight. Was that important?

You're really gonna take that from her, huh? Huh? You little bitch!

Evelyn…

[inaudible]

I'm delivering our findings on the Bank of England.

Have the car meet me out front.

Okay. Don't forget you've got the Bank of England meeting.

Did you want me to arrange a car?

[grunts] Come on, buddy, you've got this.

-[knock on door] -Yeah?

Oh, Jerry, I'm so sorry about what Chris said earlier.

You must be feeling awful.

Do you know how long I've been at the NSA?

I'd say, 50 years?

Twen… twenty-five years. Sit down.

Oh, sure.

Do you know the level of experience you get

from working at the NSA 25 years?

-Nope. -I basically know everything. Okay?

I've overseen terrorist plots, cyber-attacks,

-assassination attempts-- -Against you?

-Just remain quiet a sec. -Yeah.

I predicted 9/11, Afghanistan, 7/7--

And when you say predicted--

You mean, could I have stopped them from happening?

-Yeah. -I think so.

-Wow. -But was anyone willing to listen? No.

It's always the same old bullshit.

"Slow down, Jerry. Analyze."

-"There's no evidence." -Yes.

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned American hunch?

See, this is exactly what we're missing here.

So did you have a hunch about 9/11?

[scoffs] Yeah. Just this huge fucking hunch.

And then another big hunch moments later.

Oh, so you've seen a lot of action, then?

[scoffs] Have I seen action?

You know what? Look at this. Oh, you're gonna love this.

Come here, come here.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Look at that. -Oh, my God.

-Touch it. -No, I don't--

-Touch it. Touch it. -I don't…

.44 caliber. Went clean through.

Wow.

It looks exactly like the, um, lipoma scar that I got

from when I had a thing removed. Like, the same shape and everything.

Well, this… it's not.

-That's the same shape, actually… -No, it's not, it's not.

-It's a bullet thing. -Is there an exit--

-No. That part… -Can I--

That part, you won't find. Can't even tell.

So, what are you doing here, then? Is it like a sabbatical position?

Yeah, kind of.

[scoffs] Man, you guys. You have no idea how lucky you are to have me.

Oh, tell me about it. This is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I could have ended up in Paris, Milan, New York,

but I chose London.

-Cheltenham. -Cheltenham.

But there's no point in me being here unless I can make a difference.

Oh, I agree with that. Sure.

I mean, I could liaise the ass out of this place if I want to,

but I wanna raise morale.

I wanna raise morale so high, people can barely move. Know what I mean?

I think… Yes.

I want people having to go home from work because morale is so high.

-Well, everyone's gonna love that. -But I'm gonna need your help, buddy.

Honestly, whatever you need, Jerry, just name it. Treat me like your PA.

I thought you were my PA.

All right, now, gather up, guys. Come on. Circle up.

You, too. You're part of the team. Drop that shit.

In fact, everyone, everyone, stand… Come gather around. This is important.

That's it. Hustle. Hustle.

-Back up. -Sorry.

Good? Oh, look at that. We did a circle. Terrific.

Okay. One of the first things that struck me when I arrived here

was just how uninspired everyone looks.

Don't get me wrong.

Individually, you all look…

amazing.

But there's still this sense that I've wandered onto an abandoned farm.

Does that resonate?

So what I'd like to propose,

as a starting point, are some team building exercises.

-Lovely. -Yeah?

-Yeah? Can I get a "yes, Jerry?" -Yes.

-[all] Yes, Jerry. -[man] …Jerry.

All right, we'll work on that.

Hands out of the pockets. Let's get ready.

-Ready? -Yes.

Jerry says, raise your right arm.

-Put it down. You're all out! -[all groan]

Okay, everyone take one step to the right.

Good. Jerry says take one step to your left.

Oh, God.

-Yeah, I fucked you there, didn't I? -Yes.

Yeah, it's called listening. When I clap my hands, everyone fall. Fall!

That's a start. Okay, everyone up. Everyone up.

Anyone hurt? That's okay. It's about trust.

At the count of three, I want everyone to undress.

Undress! I'm kidding. Stop that.

Have more respect for yourself.

[Jerry] So continue what you're doing,

exploring each other's faces and bodies.

What I want to do now is to just go around and talk about when you last had sex.

It's just a nice way to get to know each other and to open up,

plus it's what we do at the NSA every day.

-Have sex? -Sometimes.

-What about you, buddy? -It depends what you mean, really.

You've never heard of sex?

No, I've heard of sex, sure, I just… you know…

-Sorry, where are you? -[Jerry] Mary, do you wanna start?

Oh, gosh, um… Ooh, it's been a while, sorry.

No, I could tell. I could smell your pheromones.

Oh, thank you.

-I bet you're filthy, though. -No.

I love how you deny it. That's hot. Tuva?

-10:15 this morning. -Weren't you in at 8:00?

-Yeah. -[Chris] What the hell's going on?

Chris. Great. Jump in. We're just doing some team building here.

No. Go back to work, everybody. This is ridiculous.

Honestly, Chrissy, I wouldn't be doing this

unless I thought it was absolutely essential.

Plus, look how much fun everyone's having.

[Chris] We're not here to have fun.

This is GCHQ. Do you think Alan Turing had fun?

-Okay, back to work, everyone. -No, not yet. Listen, I get it.

You didn't choose to have some dashing American fuck fox

in your prissy British hen house. I didn't want this either.

But I'm sure we can make it work.

Come on, at least have a jelly bean.

Absolutely not.

Aren't we meant to be collaborating?

-Huh, team? -[all] Yes, Jerry.

Do you really want your staff to see you like this?

[staff chanting, clapping] Jelly bean! Jelly bean!

Jelly bean! Jelly bean! Jelly bean!

Jelly bean! Jelly bean! Jelly bean!

Jelly bean! Jelly bean! Jelly bean!

[distant echo] Jelly bean! Jelly bean! Jelly bean!

-All right! -[chanting stops]

[jelly bean clatters]

[swallows]

-Yes! -[cheering]

And Jerry says fall!

[grunts]

[woman] Jerry's got the printer working again!

[cheering]

See? This is why they sent me here.

[cheering and applause continues]

-Good night. -Good night.

♪ Hurray, hurray, hurray! Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times Just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds Hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy And we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics Of the old "Red Flag" ♪

♪ And wait until we drop down dead ♪