Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

And I thought government agents were meant to be taller.

And I thought private security were meant to be better dressed.

How's it going man?

Hey, buddy.

No seriously, what is with the get up?

A leather jacket and an assault vest?

- Oh, he went for the jacket. - Well...

it's not going to make New York Fashion Week now is it?

I've got three of these bad boys,

they never go out of fashion.

Classic's a classic!

You guys make a great double act,

why don't you have your own show?

- This is our show. - No, this is my show.

Now, would you like the lowdown on the job?

I'm assuming you both haven't bothered to read it

since it was such last minute?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

No but your mom does.

- Oh, breaking out the mommas. - Right, guys.

So basically, your client is the CEO of an energy company.

Mr. Gustav and his wife are attending a conference

or mini-summit here at this

security nightmare of a business center.

Unfortunately, some of the company's activity,

let's just say is less than ethical.

Their exploitation of groups in the Middle East

have resulted in them coming under fire

from both the media and campaigners,

to the point where an opposing force,

let's just call them terrorists for all intents and purposes,

have issued death threats towards them.

The problem is the death threats referenced this conference.

It sounds like you're using them as bait.

- Again? - Does he know that?

It was Mr. Gustav's idea for the conference to go ahead.

So I need you two to reassure him

that everything is going to be okay.

I will let him know there's going to be

two security personnel with them at all times.

Uh huh, who are they?

Trust me, if I didn't know you two

I would have said the same thing.

Party kicks off in 45 minute guys.

Oh, a party.

I'm off to do one last sweep of the building.

Oh, get some better gear on.

You're not protecting a celebrity now.

This is the big time.

Ain't you a bit short for the big time?

Always with the height jokes.

Size isn't everything, Nick.

That's just something that short people say.

Yeah, you're right.

Asshole.

So, a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman

- walk into a bar... - Oh, here we go.

...And the bartender goes

is this some kind of fucking joke?

You two, get back!

I go high, you go low.

Stokes, get them out of here!

You two, get behind the door.

Okay, when I say now, open the lift door.

Okay.

Now!

How the fuck did you get in this building?

Brain power.

Meet fire power.

Clear!

There we go.

Come on.

You okay, Nick?

You took your time.

Clear?

Right, up you get.

Fancy meeting you here.

Old habits die hard.

Best be good reason

There is.

Skulking about in the cold and the dark

spying on my own fucking drug deal.

I must be mad.

Well, like they say.

If you want something done properly.

The point in hiring a bag man is so we don't have to do the drop.

Well, your bag man seems a little bit off.

What makes you say that?

Well, before he left,

I went to strap a GPS tracker under the seat of his car.

Just in case.

A GPS tracker?

That's why you're my head of security.

Yeah, but I found this in the back seat.

I fucking told him.

Never leave that out in view, always keep it hidden.

Yeah, figures.

Thing is, the deal is minutes from going down

and I've got the case.

So what's he got in there?

And as if by magic, the shopkeeper appears.

Money on the table.

You look a bit nervous.

First time this big?

You could have ironed it.

That's not that funny money is it?

You see me laughing?

Just checking.

And the product?

It's the best there is.

Our finest yet.

Only the best.

Been a pleasure.

Whoa, just a sec.

Is there a problem?

Mind if I sample it first?

Ah, no, no.

That's against company policy.

Do you think this is some kind of back alley hand job?

Think I'm gonna hand over 200 large without trying the merch?

I sample the product or the money leaves the room

and not with you.

Where's the trust in business these days?

Trust goes out the window with guys like you.

It looks good to me.

Shut your mouth.

Yeah, shut your mouth.

I'm asking nicely, I won't ask nicely again.

I dip the product or we walk.

Bit unorthodox but carry on.

What the fuck is this?

That's our finest, purest product yet.

That shit's been cut more times than my front lawn.

We do not cut our gear.

What kind of crazy shit are you trying to pull here?

Where's the real merch?

That is the real merch.

The fuck it is.

Nobody pulls a gun on me.

Do you know what this is?

No.

You're about to find out.

Look.

Shit!

Hey!

Excuse me.

Icing sugar?

What went down here,

it makes no sense.

Bake sale?

I think we should call Gina.

Make the call.

I'll take a price on the bag man.

Deadly in 24 hours.

Roger.

Ah, fuck.

Hello.

Hello, am I speaking to Derek?

You are. How can I help?

I need private security.

My life is in danger.

Is this in relation to a criminal incident?

If so, have you contacted the police

and sought witness protection through them?

They may be able to help.

It's too late for that, please.

Okay, calm down and listen.

Are you able to meet tomorrow face-to-face

- at a secure location? - Yes.

- Thanks again for your help. - Any time mate.

You guys get off, I've just got the formalities to deal with.

Okay, bye.

Okay, see you then.

Stay safe.

- Yo. - I got us our next job.

Do you ever stop?

Only when I'm dead.

Don't tempt me.

Can I have a high-five?

Oh, the other one, yeah.

Both at the same time.

Ah, man, you're too fast for me.

You are just gorgeous aren't you?

Mmm, not really.

I'm stronger than you but.

Oh, you think so?

I'm a pro wrestler.

Wow.

What have you been letting her watch on TV?

You don't wanna be something sweet and innocent

like a nurse or a flower arranger?

- What! - What!

Or a violin player?

Aw man, who's that?

Uncle Derek.

Uh, he's always here.

I take it this isn't a social call?

We've got a half past nine.

Really Derek, on a bank holiday?

Hey, duty calls.

Hurry up and get back so we can spend

some quality time together.

Aw Emma, I didn't know you cared.

Not you, dumbass.

- Gee, thanks. - Aw man, here he comes.

Hey man, what's up?

- Hey. - What!

Shut it.

Morning.

How are we this morning?

- Good. - You had your breakfast?

What did you have?

- Cupcakes and pancakes. - Cupcakes and pancakes,

aw he's spoiling you today.

What are you looking at?

Just thinking about all the things that I would do

if you were naked right now.

And I thought you were the quiet kind.

Ah, but you don't know me like I do.

We're gonna be late.

Slave driver.

I need to steal your dad, is that okay?

We'll be back.

Hey.

You better come back in one piece.

I'm getting tired of these sleepless nights.

And I thought you liked sleepless nights.

I'm serious.

So, what are we going to do with your hair today?

- Plaits. - Plaits?

That's easy, I can do that.

How many times have I told you not to smoke in my fucking car?

What's your problem?

I've not got one.

The smell's driving me wild.

Mm.

Smell that lung cancer.

What doesn't kill yah makes you stronger, man.

Yeah, but I'm not too sure that applies to nicotine though.

Where are we going anyway? I should be with

- Emma and Maddie today. - Take it up

- with the trade union. - Oh, we've got a trade union?

- Yes. - Wow.

- Is this the place? - Yup.

No sign of the guy yet though.

We're early.

So, what's the details?

- Some guy wants protection. - Hasn't he heard of pharmacies?

- Do you mind? - Nah, you carry on.

Some guy phones me up out of the blue, looking for protection.

He wasn't very specific but I get the impression he's, uh,

pissed someone off.

Done a background check, nothing too serious.

Arrested for witness intimidation,

no convictions, seems harmless enough.

Seems like a saint compared to the people we deal with.

So where the fuck is he?

Aye.

At least you have family to go home to.

What?

I said at least you got a family.

Where did that come from? Rome wasn't built in a day.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Well, there's still time for you yet.

I mean what happened to that Sandy chick

that you saw a couple of times?

Ah, she woke up one morning and realized I was an asshole,

I guess.

I'm surprised it took her so long.

By the way, I've been thinking.

It's probably time that I stepped back.

Stepped back?

Yeah like, from doing this.

You serious?

You're deserting me?

Look...

I mean, what have I got?

I don't have any family.

I don't have any friends.

Shit.

When I was on tour, the only thing that stopped me

from putting a bullet in my fucking head

was putting one in someone else's.

Now what have I got?

Shit, it still gives me nightmares.

That's some dark shit you got going on up in there man.

You really need to sort that out.

I know.

But who are you to judge, eh?

Honestly, how do you just get over everything?

You really are a drama queen aren't you?

Do you wanna end up in a cell?

Cause if we keep taking these risks, if we keep doing this

that's exactly what's gonna happen.

Or even worse, we end up dead.

Seriously man, I need to step back I need a change,

- I gotta get out of this life. - And play happy family?

Aw, come on, don't talk shit about what I got

- just cause you... - Fucking hell.

I'm gonna kill 'em.

Aw, shit.

Shit.

Fuck.

Hello?

Who the fuck is this?

Who the fuck is this?

Where's my money?

I don't know where your money is friend,

oh wait, is it this briefcase that's in the car

next to the man with the slug in his face?

Looks to me to be about...

200 grand in notes.

That's the one.

I want that back.

And I want a house in Beverly Hills

with ten live-in swimwear models and a Bentley Continental.

Maybe we can cut a deal.

- We don't do deals. - We?

And we don't want mixed up in this shit.

Bit late for that.

Look at the stiff on the seat,

I wouldn't rely on my restraint if I were you.

Maybe I give my shooter two new targets

and let her retrieve the money.

Yeah, well why don't you tell that little minx

to come down here and we can settle this mano-a-mano.

Or better yet, why don't you stop being a coward

and show yourself, asshole.

Or you can come to the club, The Fair Maiden

and we can settle this amicably with a bit of class.

Twenty minutes.

Aw, he hung up.

Well, we're in the shit.

Now it gets interesting.

Look at these.

I have a feeling I know what's gonna happen

when I phone our contact.

Let's get outta here before the cops show.

- On the right, - Clear.

Shoot first, ask questions later?

What better way to crash a party?

On my mark.

One, two.

Hit it.

I'm out.

What you thinking?

Yo?

Aye.

Come on, buddy.

Area's clean.

Nice work.

You must be the fair maiden.

Oh how nice of you to notice.

Hi.

First he hides behind a phone,

now he hides behind a screen.

So you're the men who opened Pandora's box.

Where's my money?

This guy's such a douche.

And you must be his pet monkey.

Oh.

Monkey, monkey.

You do realize she's probably a fed, right?

I'm not.

She looks like a spook.

Ooh.

Sorry babe, hope we didn't blow your cover.

Why don't you blow me?

Mmm.

Now that's a thought.

I work for Mr. Big here.

It's funny, from here Mr. Big looks kind of small.

Boys...

...You startled me.

We're gonna turn this shit into a bloodbath, motherfucker.

Look around,

looks as if you already have.

Yes police?

I'd like to report a mass shooting by two crazed gunmen.

We'll be back.

You can count on that, compadre.

And you, call me too.

Call me too.

Hey, she was a cougar.

Yeah you might wanna set your sights a little higher

than the local assassin.

Man, why you always gotta bringing me down?

It's so easy.

Derek!

Time to extract our money from the clutches

of a couple of undesirables.

Bought time for milk and cookies.

Maybe not...

do you know who these guys are?

Let me guess, this is the part where you tell me

I've made a fatal mistake and these guys

aren't to be fucked with,

experts in martial arts, weapons, explosives?

Blah, blah, fucking blah.

Something like that.

Ex-military, now working as freelance security personnel.

The confidence to come in here, guns blazing.

Yeah, for some kind of police protection, co-operation

I suspect in there, in case floors get sticky.

Where did you get that file?

I have my sources.

You just have to know where to look.

See, that's what I love about you,

it's that air of mystery.

You're a regular little Maleficent.

Maybe they were right about you being a spook.

I'll get the clean-up crew, shall I?

- Changing the subject. - Right.

Let's just say that that was the case.

What? I just print it off on the office photocopier

and bring it in on letter-headed paper?

Signed by the chief Cunt-stubble.

Maybe that's your angle?

You've got a very vivid imagination.

Always.

So, what about these three?

We'll just drop them in a few kegs of sulfuric

and spread the slop on the farm?

And just like that, they're gone.

So I'm guessing the other two are going to be snuffed

in a more clinical fashion?

We'll let the boys have some fun with them first.

Well, watch your back.

Ironic coming from a sniper, don't you think?

I like to keep my distance.

I had noticed.

Ciao.

Ciao.

I need a pick-up.

Two barrels.

The kind that you need gloves to handle.

All there?

Shh.

Surprise!

So...

Why did you two decide to ruin my bank holiday Monday?

Why d'you kill the guy in the car?

Shut that holier than thou shit.

He betrayed me.

I bury traitors.

I spit in the face of snitches.

I sever ties and then bask in their goddamn blood.

Bask in their goddamn blood.

Ah fuck.

Aw, fuck I love this theatrical panto villain shit.

I could've been in Lear.

This japs right here,

he doesn't even know who Shakespeare is.

All his mum taught him was how to suck her titties

and then run his bathwater.

So many unanswered questions, eh?

Why did that guy take that money from me?

How did your photographs end up in that briefcase?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Does it matter?

Well, I guess not.

Que sera.

Que sera.

I know why.

Take it to your grave, sweetheart.

Me no give no fucks.

Hold him.

Could you hold that for me, dear?

You don't want to make the whole speech-thing last

just a little longer so we can think up an escape plan?

Just checking.

Ah-ha.

Gutted.

Absolutely gutted for you.

Oh, thank you very much.

You all right?

Yeah.

I will be in about three seconds.

Two, one.

Ugh.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Yo, you good?

Yo, you good?

Yeah, I've got Colossus.

On you go.

Oops.

Butter fingers.

Ah, ah.

Ah.

Oh, shit!

Hello, is that one Oliver Payne?

My friends call me Oapi.

So I'm guessing you're not one of them.

Forgive me, we haven't met.

My name is Barnes.

Where's my money, Barnes?

Now don't let your emotions get the...

I want that back, what the fuck do you think this is?

Are you goading me?

Are you looking for some kind of reaction?

Because you'll get one.

The deal that went south,

that was a...

let's call him former employee,

a bag man, who thought he could fuck me over.

- And instead he fucked me over. - Exactly.

You were just collateral damage.

Have you any idea how long it takes

to scrape together 200 G's?

I've worked my way up from nothing.

I finally get together enough to do something big

and then some aging con artist comes and takes it away.

My heart bleeds. Where's my fucking cello?

Look Oliver, don't pour your heart out to me I can't take it.

You patronizing motherfucker!

Now listen, I've got your money back.

It's right here with me.

There's no issue in meeting you and giving you

the briefcase back, intact, as is.

You can even check every dollar bill to make sure

the right mugshot's on the front.

Or?

You knew there was an 'or',

I like that Oliver.

Or we could proceed with the deal as planned.

I bring you the required amount of narcotics,

plus an extra half key for your time wasted

and inconvenience.

How does that sound?

How do I know the same shit won't go down again?

Hence why I'm agreeing to be there in person.

You could have just kept the money.

What, and forego any future business?

Tarnish my reputation?

And what about the bag man?

Sorry?

Where is he now?

Oh, we caught up with him earlier this morning.

Relieved of his desire to keep breathing.

Good.

Just sorry I wasn't there myself.

Oh, believe me Oliver,

if I could, you would have had a ringside seat.

So do we have a deal?

Yeah, I'm keen to proceed with the original plan.

Excellent, I'll give you a meeting point.

You are going to love this.

Shouldn't it be on my turf?

Why take the risk?

'Suppose it's risky either way.

Makes sense right, Oapi?

Yeah, okay.

So, where and when?

I hope you've got your sea legs on.

Friend.

You smash another window in here by breaking like King Kong

I'm gonna dock your wages, Grande.

Do you know your trouble, Grande?

You lack finesse.

Who needs finesse when you're seven foot tall?

Bullshit.

You know that sayin',

"The bigger they are, the harder they fall?"

Most people think that means the bigger they are,

the harder it is to knock you down.

But it doesn't.

Means the bigger you are,

the harder you hit the deck.

Is that a threat?

Look at you,

those two walk in playin' heroes,

and you let one of 'em walk out the door.

You're losin' your touch.

You're losin' it.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

You let one of them walk out that door.

You are losin' your touch.

Do you wanna hear a joke?

Do I look like I like jokes?

Come on, Grande,

you're a funny guy!

You appreciate good humor.

You'll like this one.

Here goes.

What do tall people do

when they see an aeroplane comin'?

Heard it a million times before.

Maybe you're not losin' your touch after all.

Yeah?

Put him on.

It's for you.

It's the crazy merc.

Roadkill!

You're out of your depth.

Fuck you!

What do you want?

You killed someone close to me.

I want your life.

The only thing you're gonna receive

is a bullet

compris entre les oreilles.

You ever heard of the saying,

"Never underestimate your problem

or your ability to deal with it?"

I'm your problem now.

Yeah, a minor one,

like sand in your shoe after a day at the beach.

Buddy burned to a crisp, is he?

Whoever you are,

I'm gonna find you.

I'm gonna rip your fucking head off.

Everything you have, I'm gonna take it from you.

And you wanna know the worst part?

Oh, enlighten me.

You ain't gonna see it coming.

I'll look forward to ya.

Sorry, mate.

Here to finish the job?

I've got a family.

Ah!

I ain't got any reasons left

not to pull this trigger.

Wait, I can get you Barnes.

Why the fuck would you do that?

My brother died in that explosion.

What do you mean?

He worked for Barnes.

I want him just as much as you.

Yeah? Why should I believe that?

Don't believe it,

but I'm your ticket to catching Barnes.

He deals in cocaine,

prides himself on always selling the purest form.

He calls it white gold.

He's dangerous, shows no remorse.

And you work for him.

Hey, I just collect debts,

rough people up a bit,

sometimes it gets messy.

Same old bullshit, eh?

Grew up in a bad neighborhood, joined a gang,

got into drugs?

Actually, I was a sniper in the armed forces,

amongst other things.

And when I came back,

I couldn't get a job.

And my brother had joined a gang.

I was in the army.

I didn't become an assassin, though.

Yes, you did, it's just before,

you thought you were killing for a cause,

and now you're just killing for money.

It's all the same!

You're a sellout.

You're a fucking mercenary

just like me.

All the people that I've killed deserved what they got,

- mostly. - What, because your government

told you?

No, because my conscience told me.

You don't have a conscience.

Yeah, not today.

A lot of people died, good or bad,

including Derek.

If you wanna help me, then tell me where he's at.

His club, the Fair Maiden,

it's named after a boat,

and it's moored just along this coastline.

I can get you in.

That's where all the major weight deals take place.

Okay.

But if you're a red herring

sent to lure me in,

you're gonna die with them.

I'll take position on the roof.

I've never done well in close combat situations.

Yeah, I noticed that.

But remember,

save him for me.

Whatever you say.

And, uh, watch my back in there 'cause I,

I wanna come back out.

Fuckin' hell.

What the fuck happened to you, man?

- Yeah. - Oh!

- Ooh. - Oh, shit.

Broke my phone when that big prick landed on me.

By the time I got 'round to the base,

I saw you leavin' with her,

so I thought I'd follow.

You switch sides, cougar bitch?

I'd eat you for breakfast.

Break your virginity all over again.

Mm.

What?

Did you really get that in the explosion?

Or is that really a repetitive strain injury?

You really need to stop with your sex jokes, man.

Housekeeping.

What the fuck is that?

What the fuck?

What the... What's going on in?

Are you in position?

Standby.

Ready when you are.

Yo, man, about earlier,

I thought you were gone.

So, I could hear the cops comin',

self-preservation and all that shit.

Don't worry about it, man, you stuck to the plan.

Speakin' of which,

what's the plan for this?

Shoot first, ask questions later?

Yeah.

Oh, here you go,

put this on.

Have you lost the plot?

It's got a trackin' device in it

so our sharpshooter knows not to shoot us.

Yo, it ain't even Christmas.

Fuck it.

You truly are as mad as they say.

Any samples?

What, you want to try before you buy?

Think I'm gonna need to.

Looks good.

Tastes pretty good too.

Then I think we're done here.

Yeah.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry fucking Christmas.

We got gifts for the whole family.

Hey, it's you two.

Well, I'll be damned.

Who the fuck are these two clowns?

Hey, don't ask me, bro, I just work here.

Mm, you know what, Derek,

I think it's gonna be a white Christmas, after all.

Oh, oh, Nick.

I think it's time we gave these boys their presents.

Oh, yeah, shit, I almost forgot.

Ah, fuck!

Ah!

Ah, fuck.

Ah!

Oh, shush.

Oh, that is some good shit.

Filthy habit.

I've got movement coming up the hall,

door on your left.

You head on, I'll clean up in here.

Well, well, well.

He's all yours.

Looks like it's just you and me.

Now it's just me.

Hey.

Ugh!

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

No, no, no, no, no!

Hate to see a pretty face go to waste.

No, no, no, no!

Fuck.

Shit.

Oh, shit!

Go, on.

Fuckin' kill him.

He's a big fucker, isn't he?

Tap out.

Ah, round two with Donkey Kong.

Oh!

- Oh, shit, we need to fix this. - Get up, get up.

- We need to work together! - Don't hold my fucking

hand, man.

No, no, no, no!

- You did that on purpose. - Hold on, hold on.

- Oh, fuckin' shit. - Human centipede,

- eat your heart out. - Get this fucker off me.

- You want a hand? - Get him the fuck off me.

You sure? You look like you're enjoying this.

Come on.

Come on, little lad.

Oh.

That was fun.

Nice work, boys.

Your employment's now terminated.

It's over, man.

- Shit. - This is security.

We've had noise complaints.

What are you doing? Cease fire!

Open the door, please.

Cease fire!

She's already gone.

I'm gonna have to make the call, man.

Gonna have to, man, sorry.

Hello, yes, can I get an ambulance, please?

- Come on, man. - I told you,

we were gonna end up dead or in a cell.

It looks like I got the short end of the stick, man.

Is that another sex joke?

- Yeah, little bit. - Yes, yes, we're, uh,

at a ship in the docks.

Yes.

Yes, we're in the docks,

Pentland docks, on the south side.

Pentland docks, yes,

there's a ship called the Fair Maiden.

We've got a shot to the neck, I need...

Oh, shit.

I need assistance quick, please!

What the fuck are you laughin' at?

That tracker,

it wasn't in your hat, it's in your vest.

Are you for real?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

You were wearin' that too!

- Hold on, hold on. - I know, I know.

Oh.

- You're all right. - Oh, man.

Hey, hey, hey!

Don't make me have to give you mouth to mouth.

- Yeah, that's... - You know I will.

...that's never worked out well for you in the past.

Hey!

She broke her ankle.

Don't make me laugh, man.

Hey, come on, come on, man, keep pressure.

Come on, man, come on, you're good, you're good.

Don't worry, you're just going into

a little spat of insanity.

You're losin' blood to the brain.

You're good, man.

Mind you, it might help you.

You're good.

Hey, hey, come on,

hold on.

You're good.

You're good, hey, stay with me.

Come on.

That's it, good man.

Stay, hey, stay with me.

Stay with me.

You're good, man.

You're good.

Shit.

Fuck.

Stay with me.

You're good, man.

Hold on.

You're good.

Is Daddy ready to go home yet?

Daddy's been in an accident,

and he's been very badly hurt.

Will he be okay?

Well, the doctors are doing the best they can.

We just have to be patient.

Why is it taking so long?

Well, that's because he needs an extra big

sticky plaster.

Look, Mummy, over there, there's toys!

Well, you can go play with them

as long as you can still see Mummy.

But I want to be here when Daddy comes back!

Don't worry, I'll come and get you.

Mummy says I can play with the toys!

Oh, yeah?

Wow, on you go.

You're gonna pace a hole in that floor.

What do you expect?

How could you let this happen?

Emma, I'm sorry, I just...

Fuck your sorry.

Is that all you've got to say is "Sorry?"

He could be lyin' on a slab in an hour's time.

Come here.

All I wanted was a nice, quiet bank holiday...

...just the three of us.

I know.

It's okay.

He's gonna make it out the other side.

You know how stubborn that prick is.

I know he's alive.

Except you don't, do you?

Why do it?

Why keep doing it?

It's funny,

he said the same thing to me this morning.

What?

That he wants out.

It's a bit late for that.

He told me he wants to spend more time

with you and Maddy.

And I threw a little bitch fit

accusing him of deserting me.

I just don't think he meant it like this.

Yeah, well,

he always has to have his own way.

Some people just

can't see themselves doing anything else.

Nick, he could never work in an office.

He'd be climbin' the walls.

Pushin' paper,

going to board meetings?

That's like going from running to crawling.

What's wrong with crawlin'?

Nothin'.

That's Nick out of surgery.

- Can I see him? - Yeah, come with me.

Maddy?

Police are downstairs, sir, they'd like to speak with you.

I know.

Hey, ya.

Yay, Mummy, he's woken up!

How you feelin' today?

For the first time, the pain in my neck isn't you.

Don't joke.

Last night when I said I wanted us to spend more

quality time together,

this isn't quite what I had in mind.

Daddy, what would you do tomorrow

if you knew you weren't going to wake up?

Wow.

You're so deep for a five-year-old, you know that?

Um, never go to sleep?

Hey, look, check out this scar.

- What? - What?

Did Uncle Derek do that to you?

No, Uncle Derek just likes gettin' Daddy into trouble.

Yeah, well, Daddy keeps on going along with it, come here.

Let's get you a sweet, shall we?

- Yes. - Good.

Is it finished?

Just one last thing.

Come on.

Yo!

You gonna tell us what we're doing here,

or are you having one of your moments?

Yeah, in a minute.

- Where are we going? - Reference library.

Ha, I knew it.

Your copy of the Kama Sutra's overdue.

- Or is that mine? - Will you stop with

the sex jokes for one minute?

Great, he's having a moment.

I hate it when he's like this.

So, the dead guy in the car was our contact, right?

Yeah, he worked for Barnes,

and he wanted out, so he steals Barnes' money

in order to buy protection.

The irony.

Yeah, and Barnes was gonna make sure

that he didn't make it out alive.

See, at least that's what I thought.

Somethin' wasn't right,

so I had our favorite reporter do a little bit of digging.

See the guy in the car?

He died eight years ago.

Oh, and he also died four years ago.

In fact, he's got a little bit of a habit of dying.

So you think that guy

organized the entire thing?

Yeah, maybe.

Check this out.

So, I reckon he set us up to kill Barnes

so that he could make off with the money.

That, and all the other assets there was never any record of

because it was all drug money.

And that bitch was in on it too.

Why help us out though?

Spin that yarn about her brother?

Keep tabs on us?

Make sure we kill Barnes?

We get the blame for killin' the guy in the car.

We were at the scene of the crime.

She absolves herself of any involvement.

She had the perfect opportunity to get rid of the both of us,

leave no witnesses.

So, what?

She didn't expect us to unravel their plan?

Yeah, I don't think that she was plannin' on

either of us survivin'.

Yeah.

We've been played.

Yup.

I planted one of those trackers on her van.

It's at a ranch just north of the city.

I'm pissed off, man.

I say that we finish the fuckin' job.

What?

Yeah, it's just not as cute when you do it.

Nice.

It's not like I'm tryin' to be cute.

According to the GPS, they're right up ahead.

Two seconds, there's a woman, just pull over here.

And I thought I was desperate.

Excuse me, um, do you live up here?

Uh, no, I'm just a cleaner.

The owner's, um, back at the farm cottage.

Uh, okay, do you know who the owner is?

Um, it was a Mr. Barnes,

but the farm's recently changed hands.

Okay, um, do you know how many people are up there

by any chance?

Um, about a half a dozen?

What's this about?

Uh, we're just here for a business meeting.

Um, thanks very much for your help.

No problem.

Do you think we should have, uh,

told her not to bother comin' back

since she probably doesn't have an employer

in the next five minutes?

By the way,

you're fired!

Ugh, fuck you.

You're unreal, you know that?

Uh, hello, hi.

Uh, yeah, there's two,

there's two guys on their way up to the farm cottage

just to let you know.

Thank you, Carol.

Round up the men.

I want these two irritating fucks

buried beneath the cow shit before sundown.

This is what happens when you fail to do your job,

sweetheart.

Go, move!

- Get up there and cover me! - Keep firing!

I thought we had something.

Not this time.

I told you I was gonna turn this into a blood bath.

Ah!

Fuck!

Thought you were supposed to be dead?

Slight oversight on my part.

Let me rectify that for you.

Ah!

Ah!

I'll give you a cut of the money.

I knew you were going to say that.

We can make a deal.

We don't do deals.

Try and stay dead this time.

You kill her?

Yeah.

Aw, man.

A shame.

You could have been good together.

Come off it, mate.

How did the conman take it?

Eh, badly.

Good, they deserved it.

Think we should bring that cleaner back.

Ooh!

Yeah!

Hey, are we really done?

Was this really our last job together?

See you Monday.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull