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♪ Looking on the bright side ♪

♪ I just wanna feel good vibes Good times ♪

♪ Looking on the bright side ♪

♪ I just wanna live, wanna live ♪

♪ Live on the bright side ♪

Please welcome

Fortune Feimster!

Whoo!

Oh my goodness, Seattle!

Oh my gosh.

Thank you guys so much.

This is incredible.

Look at this. Keeping it handsome.

I don't wanna bum the fellas out right off the bat.

I am taken, you guys.

So keep it in your pants.

Or take it out of your pants. I don't care. Just don't hand it to me.

I wouldn't know what to do with it anyway.

It would be like a cat with a cat toy.

I got married to my awesome wife, Jax, in October 2020.

Thank you.

In the middle of the "pandemie."

So when it came to our honeymoon, I wanted to go all out.

Uh, Jax picked the place. She wanted to go to the Maldives.

Uh, a travel agent planned everything. I just showed up.

I found out, on the plane, it takes 24 hours to get there.

Yeah, that's a lot. I would've been fine with Chuck E. Cheese.

So about 12 hours into this flight, I was like,

"You know what? I should learn something about the Maldives."

"I don't know anything about this country."

And Jax had brought this little book of fun facts,

so I start reading some fun facts.

It said that the Maldives is in the Indian Ocean. Great.

It's comprised of 1,200 islands. Awesome.

I read some more fun facts.

It said, "It is illegal

to be gay... in the Maldives."

I'm like, "We're going on our gay honeymoon..."

"...to a country where it is illegal to be gay."

So I'm like, "Ha-ha, okay, um..."

"...maybe it's an old law, it's not in practice anymore."

And it said, "Oh no." That's what it said in the book. "Oh no."

"It is illegal to be gay."

"At whatever time you're reading this, it's illegal."

It can lead to eight years in prison.

Yeah! Lashings.

I don't even know what that is, but I don't want it.

So I'm on the plane,

looking at my brand-new bride with very different eyes.

All the romance has left my body.

'Cause here's the problem.

Between the two of us,

only one of us can pass for being straight.

And the other one gets called "sir" every time she walks into a bathroom.

Yeah.

Happened to me at Disneyland.

I was coming out of the bathroom. I got called "sir."

And I didn't know what to say, so I turned around and I said,

"It's ma'am!"

Then I walked out like this.

I can see how that's confusing.

I was like, "All right, I need to look at this itinerary."

It said that 18 hours into this 24-hour flight,

we actually have an overnight layover.

And our overnight layover

is in Qatar.

Now,

I don't know if you guys knew this,

but it is more illegal...

...to be gay in Qatar.

It can lead to life in prison.

Floggings.

Again, what is this?

We've now landed. We're walking into the hotel.

I'm panicked.

And Jax says, "Listen, when you get nervous,

you offer up way too much information."

"Now is not the time."

So we have one room booked. We're filling out the paperwork.

And the woman at the front desk asks, "One bed or two?"

And Jax isn't answering.

And I could find myself shifting.

I'm turning into a pretty little lady.

I said, "We'd like two beds."

"I'm traveling with my cousin."

"We're going to the Maldives."

"Our husbands are already there."

"They were roommates and fraternity brothers in college."

"They just love going on these guy trips and playing golf and smoking cigars."

"We're just gonna have a little girl time."

"We're gonna get our nails done and go shopping."

"None of that gay shit's going on here!"

Jax is like, "Shut up!"

We get our keys. We run up to the room.

I'm acting like there's cameras inside of the hotel room.

I did, in fact, sleep in that other double bed

on the first night of my honeymoon.

I slept in a nightgown.

Head-to-toe nightgown.

I don't even know how that got in my bag.

You just land in Qatar and a nightgown appears in your luggage.

I kept having these nightmares

that someone would break in the room and put me in handcuffs.

And as they're hauling me off, I look back at Jax and I yell,

"Tell my story, cousin!"

Next morning, we run to the plane. Six-hour flight. Land in the Maldives.

Then we take an hour puddle jumper to a remote island.

And there's a woman from the resort, on the dock,

holding a bucket of Heinekens for all the passengers.

It's a very fancy place.

Jax goes to reach for these Heinekens, and I go,

"Aah! No!"

"Lesbian! Beer!"

"It's a trap!"

I flung it out of her hand and ran like a damsel in distress.

Ah!

I was like, "Oh my God."

"What if this island is just full of a bunch of gay booby traps?"

"What if they offer us free Crocs?"

"How am I gonna turn that down?"

I was afraid there would be a granola trail

leading to a bottomless pit.

I was like, "I'm not gonna be able to swim all week,

'cause everybody knows I swim in an XXXL T-shirt

with the sleeves cut off and a pair of sweatpants."

"It's my lesbian swimsuit."

I just wanna be under the radar.

Normally, on your honeymoon, you're shouting it from the rooftops.

We get to our bungalow,

and there's a cake waiting for us that says "Happy honeymoon."

I was like, "Aah!" I grabbed it and I threw it in the ocean.

I ate a slice first. I'm not crazy.

We were there for a whole week.

We got one picture together.

Jax and I are standing seven feet apart...

...with a random family in between us,

just both giving a thumbs-up.

It was the least romantic trip of our lives.

But a beautiful country.

I highly recommend it to all of you non-gay folks.

I'm learning a lot about marriage.

Uh, communication, very important.

You have to learn how to fight,

because that is an inevitable part of communication.

Now, if you are in a newer relationship

and you wanna figure out how each other handles stress,

you should travel together.

Because traveling is stressful.

It is why Louise drove Thelma

off that cliff.

"I told you not to eat my snacks."

Now, early on in our relationship, Jax and I, uh, we went to Italy,

and we landed in Rome,

and we had to take a train from Rome to Naples.

Those train stations are so chaotic.

Our train's leaving in 30 minutes. We don't know where our platform is.

And at the time, Jax was a kindergarten teacher,

so she would talk to me like I was a five-year-old.

She even said, at one point, "When the hand goes up,

the mouth goes shut."

Wow.

And it works.

So we had to figure out where to go, and she bends down and she goes, "Hey!"

"Are you listening?"

"Hey!" I'm like, "Yes."

She said, "I want you to stay right here."

"Okay?"

"Stay right here and hold our luggage,

'cause you're a little bit stronger than me."

"I'm gonna go find our platform, 'cause I'm a little bit smarter than you."

I was like, "You could've ended on the compliment."

She said, "Whatever you do, do not leave."

I'm like, "I got it. God!"

She said, "Did you wash your hands?"

"Yes."

"Let me smell 'em."

"No!"

So she leaves. I'm standing there.

It's so hot.

People are passing by me, speaking Italian.

They're like, "Pizza. Pasta. Meatball."

Now I'm hungry.

She's been gone forever, so I start showing people our ticket,

and someone points me in the right direction.

I'm like, "I know Jax told me to stay right here,

but I think I could be more helpful

if I go to the train, in the air-conditioning, put our bags up."

"I can start eating biscotti, and I'll text her where to go."

So I leave this spot.

Don't you turn on me!

I go to the train, put our bags up, I start popping biscotti,

and I text Jax where to go.

It's 15 minutes till our train's leaving. She does not answer.

Ten minutes till the train's leaving, I call her. She doesn't answer that.

It's now five minutes till our train's leaving,

and I'm like, "Well,

one of us should enjoy this trip."

Three minutes till our train's leaving, I have one foot on, one foot off.

I'm looking down the platform like, "Oh my God. Oh my God." I spot Jax.

I wave her down,

and she starts running as hard as she can down this platform.

I'm like, "Oh my God."

"This is so romantic."

"I have never had anyone run down a platform for me."

She gets on the train, doors shut right behind her.

And I go...

♪ Reunited, and it feels... ♪

And she goes, "What the fuck?"

Ugh!

That's not part of my rom-com!

Julia Roberts doesn't say "What the fuck?"

She says, "I have been looking for you for the last 20 minutes."

I said, "I texted you." She said, "My phone doesn't work in Europe."

I said, "I don't know your phone plan."

Then the entire train shushed us,

and they pointed at a sign.

It turns out,

we had accidentally bought a ticket on the quiet car.

I would've never bought a ticket on the quiet car,

'cause I'm like, "How we gon' chat?"

But now, Jax wants to fight, and I'm like,

"Thank God we got tickets on the quiet car."

She's going in, and I go...

I sit down so proud of myself,

thinking I have gotten out of a fight.

She found a new way to fight. She goes...

This goes on for, like, 45 minutes.

We were so exhausted

from mime-fighting...

...that we completed

two of our exercise rings on our Apple Watches.

We both eventually passed out.

Hour and a half later,

we woke up in Naples, biscotti's rolling down my shirt.

Totally forgot what we were fighting about.

So my advice to all of you new couples is,

go to bed angry.

I'm telling you, just sleep it off.

It works for bears.

Why can't it work for us?

And if you go to Europe and you take a train,

just know, one of you is gonna mess up.

So I highly recommend you book a ticket on the quiet car.

It could save your relationship.

It is much cheaper than a therapist,

and it comes with biscotti.

So that is my advice

to you guys.

Now, I never had a serious relationship before Jax.

She is definitely my most serious relationship.

Now, my parents divorced when I was 12,

and I don't know how this happened,

but I somehow became my mom's husband.

Which is weird because I have two older brothers, so...

...I don't know why I was the man of the house.

But I had to make sure everything was okay.

I set her alarm clock every night.

As I got older,

I became my mom's plus-one in social situations.

When I was in college, my mom and I went on trips

that were way too romantic for, like, a mother and daughter.

We went to New York City

and shared frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity,

and we walked arm in arm in Central Park.

And when you're single, there's no one to be like,

"Hey, that's weird. You're on a date with your mom."

When I moved to LA, she and I went on a Christmas Caribbean cruise together.

Yeah, shared a room.

That's too much time with your mom.

I started dreaming of icebergs.

I said, "Mom, why don't you go out there on the ship

and try to meet somebody your own age?"

She goes, "Why would I wanna meet somebody when I have you?"

I'm like, "Oh my God."

We are headed for a Grey Gardens situation.

"Mom, stop talking to that squirrel!"

I got a break at one point from being her husband.

She got a boyfriend. Yeah.

They met in the newspaper, in the classified ads.

No pictures.

You just had to like each other's grammar.

But she was a single mom of three kids,

and she was a schoolteacher, so she was broke.

And after date one, she was sold on this guy.

She comes home. She goes, "I like him."

"He is rich."

I said, "How do you know?" "'Cause he told me."

Oh, okay!

Sure.

She goes, "I know from three things." I said, "That's very specific."

She goes, "Number one, he drives a Mercedes convertible."

"That is rich."

I said, "Yeah, but what year is it?"

'Cause when I was in high school, I drove a BMW, but it was 20 years old.

And it was a stick shift,

and it would just stall in the middle of intersections.

And I would have to Fred Flintstone this car

out of the intersection to keep from getting hit.

When I was going down hills, sometimes the brakes would just give out,

so I had to pull up the emergency brake in order to come to a complete stop.

And when it rained,

dirty rainwater would seep through the sunroof,

so I would have to drive with my head tilted

to keep from getting pink eye.

I'm just saying, follow-up questions are important.

She said, "Number two,

he has his own tanning bed."

I was like...

Now, for all you young'uns out there,

tanning beds were all the rage in the '90s.

People were hopping in those things left and right.

It was like the cold plunge of today.

Instead of helping with circulation, it could cause cancer.

But, oh, you looked great in the winter.

"And number three..."

She was the most impressed with this.

She thought this was the measure of success.

She says, "He owns his very own

industrial crushed-ice machine."

"He is rich."

She would go to his house on the weekends, and take a cooler...

...and fill it up with crushed ice,

come home like she was holding a golden bounty.

"Crushed ice for a week."

I was like, "Dinner would be nice,

but slushies it is."

Couple years later, they broke up.

My mom was crushed.

Sorry.

Sorry.

She was...

crushed, unlike her ice.

She had to go back to that broke ice.

The ice in the trays, where you're filling it up with water,

and you're like... trying to put it in the freezer,

and everything's spilling, you're like, "Ugh!"

No, I didn't meet Jax until I was 35.

My mom had gotten very comfortable, uh, with me being her husband.

And at 35, she did not think I was in danger of getting took.

So something happened when I met Jax that I did not expect.

My mom got a little jealous.

Yeah.

I remember if I would buy Jax something, like a scarf,

my mom would be like, "I like scarves."

I'm like, "You're not my girlfriend."

Their birthdays are five days apart,

which is my nightmare.

I get heart palpitations in February.

I remember, early on in my relationship, it was very popular to go on Facebook

and profess your love for whoever you were with.

So Jax's birthday, I go on Facebook, and I'm like,

"I love you so much."

"You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me."

I posted, like, 30 pictures in a collage that took five hours to put together.

Five days later,

I call my mom.

"Hey, Mom. Happy birthday."

"Thank you."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Well, what are you doing?" "I'm on Facebook."

"I was looking at my messages, and I don't see one from you,

and I know your thumbs work 'cause you used them five days ago."

"I sent you an edible arrangement. What is this?"

But she was pissed.

So I had to unfriend her.

I don't know if any of you guys have ever had to break up with your mom.

Awkward!

Once Jax and I got married,

she had another family she had to deal with.

She'd get a little jealous

if I spent more time with Jax's family than my family.

And I was like,

"Well, Jax's mom makes us apple pancakes..."

"...and you just asked me to borrow $500."

It's just different. It's just different.

But she does love Jax. She does.

She just thinks that Jax

stole her man.

My wife is

Jolene.

But I fly home to North Carolina

to have some one-on-one time with my parents.

They like that.

I don't know what it is about going to my hometown,

but I immediately revert into a 15-year-old.

I could rent a car.

I am 25.

My mom insists on driving me everywhere,

so now I have to ask her permission to go places.

She has to approve who I hang out with.

It's very weird as an adult.

Even my taste buds revert back to when I was in high school.

Like, when I'm in the South,

I don't wanna eat at a Michelin star restaurant.

I don't even trust their tires.

When I'm home, I wanna eat fried food,

and I wanna eat biscuits.

For the European folks watching,

these biscuits are like your guys's,

but, uh, they're fluffier, and they have eight more sticks of butter.

Now, I love a place back home called Bojangles.

Pretty tasty biscuits!

But the one place that I don't think gets enough credit

is a fast-food chain called Hardee's.

Are you guys familiar with Hardee's?

Now, if you don't know Hardee's, it's owned by Carl's Jr.

Very similar vibes,

but Hardee's is known for their biscuits.

I'd have to fact-check this, but I think it's called Hardee's

'cause it could clog your heart and your arteries.

But, mmm! Worth it.

Now, every woman has a biological clock.

Mine is set to know

when fast-food chains stop serving breakfast.

And Hardee's ends at 10:30.

Last time I was home, I overslept, 'cause my mom didn't wake me up.

And I woke up in a panic. I was like, "I need some biscuits!"

And I looked at my watch. It said it was 10:15.

I go, "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!"

"Mom! Mom!"

"I gotta borrow your car. I gotta go get some biscuits."

She said, "My car is in the driveway, and it's already running."

"Why is your car already running?"

"Well, I was driving it this morning,

and I realized that if I turned it off, it might not turn back on,

so I left it running in the driveway for the last hour,

just in case we need it."

I was like, "I don't have time to get into the nuts and bolts of this."

"I guess I'm glad you left it running in the driveway and not the garage."

"I gotta go get my biscuits."

So I threw on my flannel,

got in her car, and I drive across town to the Hardee's.

It's a small town. I get to the drive-through at 10:22.

There's a line to the street. I'm like, "Oh God. Everybody wants biscuits."

Now, normally, I would park the car, run in, get those biscuits,

but I'll remind you that if I turn this car off,

it might not turn back on,

and there ain't no Ubers in this tiny-ass town,

and y'all know I'm not walking.

So I'm waiting in the line like, "Come on! Come on!"

10:28, I get up to the speaker, and I just yell,

"Biscuits!"

You can't waste time.

She accepts the order. I'm like, "Yes!"

And then that car dies, dead as a doornail,

right there in the middle of that drive-through line.

I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

She goes, "No? You don't want biscuits?" I go, "No, no, no, I want biscuits."

"I'm in my mom's car, and my mom's car just died."

She goes, "I'll cancel the biscuits."

"No, no, no, please, don't cancel the biscuits."

"Will you just ring 'em up, put 'em up front?"

"I'll get rid of this car, I'll come in, and I'll get those biscuits."

She goes,

"You've got two minutes."

Bitch!

So I don't know what to do. I can't walk through the drive-through.

I've tried twice at midnight. They do not like that.

I don't know how I'm gonna get rid of this car.

But you know how a mom gets that mom strength

when her baby's in trouble?

And she's gotta, like,

lift up a bus to save her baby?

Well, all of a sudden, I got that mom strength,

but for me, my baby was biscuits.

So I put the car in neutral, I get out of the car,

and I turn into an American Gladiator.

And I start pushing this car, inch by inch. I'm like...

I sound like a feral cat.

These two guys in a truck behind me get out of their truck to come help me.

All they see are my broad shoulders from behind, and they go,

"Oh, he's got it."

And got right back in their truck.

I'm T-Rexing this car...

I'm sweating my tits off,

which is even more confusing for those guys.

I'm in the zone. There's one minute left.

There's parking spaces across the way. I give the car one last "goosh."

This car starts rolling. I start sprinting towards the door.

At least, I think I'm sprinting.

Thirty seconds.

I can smell the biscuits.

It's like the Olympics of the South.

All of a sudden, I hear a "boom!"

I look up. Everyone in the Hardee's is staring at me.

I had pushed that car so hard,

it rolled through the parking space, over an embankment, into a ravine.

The hood popped open. Smoke's billowing out of it.

The alarm's going off. The trunk popped open.

I'm like, "Oh my God!"

"Biscuits!"

Got the biscuits.

Shoved 'em in my mouth.

"I did it!"

I was so proud of myself.

I called my mom to tell her what happened.

And she told me I was grounded.

She said, "You are never driving my car again."

I said, "Ain't nobody driving that car again."

"But I got my biscuits."

But honestly, I don't know if my parents should be driving anymore.

They're older now. They're in their late seventies.

And I don't know, as their kid,

when do I have to have that talk with them to tell them they can't drive?

Now, I know with my grandmother, what happened with her

is she was driving one day, and she was just chatting away,

and then all of a sudden, she went across four lanes of traffic.

And we said, "Well, Nana,

that's that."

She said,

"I didn't even realize I was driving."

Mm-hmm.

"Yep."

"We're gonna need those keys."

We're getting closer with my mom. I can feel it.

We had just bought her a new car,

and she called me up and just very casually said,

"Hey!"

"I just drove off a cliff."

"What?!"

"I was driving,

I rounded a curb,

and I drove off a cliff."

"I heard you!"

"I just don't understand what you're telling me."

"My car flew through the air."

"It landed on a large hill,

and then it rolled down to safety."

"Okay, but how did this happen, Mom? Were you texting?"

"No, I wasn't texting. I wasn't talking. Nothing."

"Okay, well, did another car swerve into your lane?"

"No, there were no other cars anywhere near me."

"Was it bad weather? Was it raining?"

"Mm-mm."

"It was a beautiful sunny day."

"One of the best we've had in a long time."

"Was it a sharp curve?"

"Nope. It was a very normal, very approachable curve."

I said, "You didn't do this on purpose, did you?"

"No! I had just watched a pickleball tournament."

"I have a lot to live for."

She said, "I just drove off a cliff."

And then she said

one of the greatest things I have ever heard.

She said,

"It was bound to happen one of these days."

What?!

"Well, Ginger,

that's that."

"We're gonna need those keys."

Now, my mom has always been quirky, for sure,

but it is getting worse with age.

Like, I truly never know

what is gonna be on the other end of any given phone call.

She called me last year, and she goes, "Hey."

"I just wanna start by saying

I'm okay."

I'm like...

Jax was like, "I'm going in the other room."

"This is gonna be a while."

She said, "Well,

it had just finished raining,

and I decided to drive to the cemetery

to check on our family plot."

I was like, "Normally, that's the one place

you don't have to worry about."

"Well, you would think."

"But it's a good thing I drove down there, 'cause when I pulled up,

I noticed a fresh mound of dirt

on our family plot."

"So I got out of the car to get a closer look,

and as I'm walking, I realize

that some stranger had been buried

in our family plot."

I was like, "Oh, I did not see that coming, for sure."

She said, "I walked closer to see whose name was on the marker,

and when I got over there, all of a sudden,

my foot fell through the grave."

"I panicked."

"I panicked

because I realized that my foot was about to touch the casket."

"I could not bear the thought of that,

so I jerked my foot out of that grave,

and when that happened, I fell on the ground."

"Well, while I was on the ground,

I realized

I have fallen, and I can't get up."

I'm like, "Oh my God. We have reached the Life Alert stage."

"It's worse than I thought."

She said, "I didn't have my phone on me. I wasn't expecting to get out of the car."

"I couldn't get up. I didn't know what to do."

"So I started to crawl across the cemetery."

"Why are you crawling across the cemetery?"

"Well, I thought I could crawl across the cemetery,

I could go over to the curb, I could sit on the curb,

and from there, I could hoist myself up."

"Well, when I got to the curb, I could not hoist myself up,

so I just sat there."

"Well, apparently,

while this was happening,

there was a couple who was driving past the cemetery."

"They looked over,

and they saw some thing

covered in dirt

crawling across the cemetery."

"And they thought, 'Hmm, I wonder what that is.'"

"'Let's go check.'"

I said,

"There is no world

in which I am driving past a cemetery,

I look over

and I see some thing

covered in dirt

crawling across the cemetery,

and I'm like, 'Hmm, I wonder what that is.'"

"'Let's go check.'"

That ain't happening.

She said, "Well, they pulled in the cemetery,

and when they pulled up to me,

it turned out, they were older than me."

"They couldn't help me up, so I asked to borrow their phone."

I said, "Oh, to call a friend?"

"No. I called the fire department."

"Why?! You are not a cat in a tree!"

She said, "Hello. This is Ginger Feimster."

"Fortune Feimster's mother."

"Do not bring me into this!"

"I am in the cemetery,

and I have fallen, and I can't get up."

"Can you please send someone to come get me up?"

"But whatever you do,

do not drive that large fire truck."

"That would be so embarrassing."

And they said, "Ma'am, that is our only mode of transportation."

She said, "So all of a sudden,

here came this large fire truck

barreling through the cemetery,

and then five firemen in full gear got out of the truck."

I'm like, "Oh my God!"

These poor firemen.

They're just trying to eat a spaghetti dinner.

The alarm rings, and they're like, "Let's go save some lives!"

They put on 300 pounds of gear.

They get in their fire truck.

They race across town, risking their lives.

They pull into the cemetery,

and it's just an old woman on a curb going...

She said, "One of them got behind me and just went boop and got me right up."

"So that was my day."

"I had one foot in the grave."

I'm like...

That is my mother, Ginger Feimster.

So, of course, you can imagine, when I met Jax, she was like,

"What of that is in your DNA?"

I'm like, "Won't it be fun to find out?"

No, I'm quirky too. I'm definitely very quirky.

But I've learned to channel it into my performances.

Now, I've actually been doing this a lot longer than people realize.

I was not in, like, theater in school.

I was too busy lezzing out on the softball field.

But I actually got my start, uh, with performing at church,

which is not usually where you think of the arts.

But my very first musical ever was about Jonah and the whale.

And no, I was not the whale, you assholes!

I was a sailor. It was a very progressive United Methodist Church.

I had to throw Jonah overboard for disobeying God,

and... it was a lot of pressure, you know?

My grandma's in the fourth pew. The Lord's watching.

I didn't wanna go to church unless I knew it was show day,

and then I was like, "And a five, six, seven, eight."

I brought a baton to church once...

...and just started twirling it in front of the congregation.

But I was like, "I need to tie this in."

So I just started saying books of the Bible.

I was like, "Deuteronomy."

"Genesis."

"Thessalonians."

"Corinthians."

"Job."

I was a star pupil. I was even in the kids' choir.

I got all of the solos until my nemesis moved into town,

Becky fucking Johnson.

We were 12 years old.

All the boys thought she was so cute and pretty and had the best personality,

and I thought she was a real bitch.

She made my life hell.

She was cute though.

But she challenged me to the solo,

and the choir director told the boys in our group

that they could pick the winner.

Thank you!

So I decided I was gonna watch the adult choir,

and I would just emulate the women from the adult choir,

not realizing that I'm 12

and they're 70-year-old former opera singers.

So my very first audition,

I sang this.

♪ Oh Lord, my God ♪

♪ When I in ♪

♪ Awesome wonder ♪

♪ Consider all thy works ♪

♪ Thy hands hath made ♪

A freakin' shoo-in!

And then Becky fucking Johnson

pulled out a boob, got the part.

That's where I learned that this business is cutthroat, baby.

Even at church.

The competition continued into the kids' handbell choir.

Ooh, it was very competitive.

We practiced every Wednesday night for three hours.

No school credit. No snacks. No bathroom breaks.

One kid shit his pants...

...and had to keep ringing like nothing happened.

We're all smelling it, like, "Agh!"

"Is this worth it?"

But we hung in there 'cause once every three months,

we got to have a big performance in front of the entire congregation.

Now, they would line these bells up in order of size.

The smallest up here. The biggest down here.

Nobody wanted anything to do with these bells.

This was the melody.

These were the bass bells. It was like playing the tuba.

The tuba sounds like you're playing farts.

Blech! Gross!

But our choir director would only let the little skinny pretty girls,

like Becky fucking Johnson, play these bells.

Now, I developed before everybody. I was very tall. My voice got deeper.

My hair was in a slicked-back, greasy ponytail.

I was rocking kitten heels.

And one Sunday, I decided to shoot my shot.

I said, "Hey!"

"I'd like to get in on these bells down here."

"I've been playing goalie,

and I'm ready to get in on the field, Coach."

"I got big hands."

"I can actually hold two of these bells with each hand. Watch."

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

He was like, "Don't do that."

"So, uh, am I in or out?"

He said, "Your bells are down there." I'm like...

So I did the walk of shame to this end of the table.

My grandma's looking at me like, "What the fuck?"

You can cuss when you're a Methodist.

So we start playing our big song.

They're playing everything. I'm just standing here, waiting.

I'm in my sister-wife dress.

Looking like a human napkin.

And who's down there playing the entire song,

getting all the glory of God?

Becky fucking Johnson!

Ugh!

I am so bored just waiting to play one note.

I start smoking a cigarette.

Drinking coffee.

Finally, we get to the end of the song, and I get to pick up my big-ass bell.

I'm like, "Here we go."

I get to play the very last note.

I go,

dong...

...ong.

I'm like, "That's it?"

My grandma's like, "That's it?"

I thought, "Oh my God."

"I have spent all this time,

week after week, hours and hours,

no school credit, no snacks, shit in my face."

"I did that for the Lord,

and all I got in return

was one note."

And that's why I'm gay.

I tried.

A few years ago, I looked to see what Becky F Johnson was up to.

That's what I call her now that I've matured.

Back then, she was unhappily married to a man, so there is a god.

And I may not go to church on Sundays anymore,

but I do have my own Sunday morning ritual.

I gotta commit to this.

I make my--

I got this.

I make myself a cup of coffee.

I pull out my laptop.

I go on Facebook.

I re-friend my mom.

And I look to see if Becky F Johnson's life

is still a living hell.

And all I can say is...

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelu... ♪

♪ ...jah! ♪

Ugh, that is so petty. Oh my God.

I cannot be petty. No.

I have a lot to be grateful for, truly. I cannot be petty.

I am so grateful that my life has unfolded the way it has.

I could've never guessed this.

I'm so grateful that I met Jax.

- Um... She's the best. - Whoo!

Jax and I took our next big step together. Um...

No, not kids.

We actually bought a house together, uh,

which was very exciting.

A very adult thing to do.

And Jax is the exact person

you wanna do this kind of adult decision with.

She's very responsible. She asks all the right questions.

She was like, you know, "How's the roof?" Uh...

"What's the plumbing like?"

"Is there mold?"

I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." Um...

"And, uh, I don't know,

are there ghosts?"

She looked at me like I was crazy. I'm like, "That's a valid question."

Because when I was home, I... Ghosts were on my mind.

There's these houses in my hometown built in the 1800s,

and a lot of ghost sightings have happened there.

I don't know what it is about ghosts in the 1800s.

Uh, the 1800s is a very popular time for ghosts.

I'm just saying, you don't see a lot of ghosts in Daisy Dukes.

So people have been spotting these ghosts so much

that they've become very casual about it, in a way that I'm not used to.

So I was having lunch with my mom and her friends, and my mom said,

"You know, I went to the Tates' house a couple of weeks ago."

"I went upstairs to use the bathroom,

and when I came out of the bathroom, there was Catherine."

I said, "Who's Catherine?" She goes, "Well, she's dead."

"And she's a ghost."

And all of her friends go, "Mm-hmm."

She said, "Catherine grew up in that house."

"She lived there her whole life. Never got married. Never had kids."

"She died in that house,

and then when the Tates moved in, there was Catherine."

"She was in the den, the living room, the kitchen, outside of the bathroom."

"It's just Catherine."

I said, "So Catherine just comes with the house?"

Her friend goes, "Yep. I saw her a couple of weeks ago. She looked great."

So hearing about Catherine made me think about the house that I grew up in.

It made me think about the house Jax and I were looking at.

And it was just on my mind.

Now, I've never seen a ghost. I'm more of an energy person.

It sounds very LA to be like, "I'm an empath."

But when I was growing up, in this house that I grew up in...

It was built in the 1800s.

It had such a weird energy to it.

I could never pinpoint what that was. Um...

I just felt so unsafe in that house.

I would make my dad sit outside of my bedroom

until I fell asleep.

And I would catch him trying to crawl out of the bedroom,

like my mom in the cemetery.

And I was like, "Dad, I'm scared!"

So he didn't sleep for a year and a half.

And then he and my mom divorced.

I think 'cause he just wanted to take a nap

and get the hell outta that house.

So as my punishment, I became my mom's husband.

Now, when I was in high school,

she got that rich boyfriend I was telling you about,

and she would go there on the weekends, and I would be there by myself, so scared,

I slept with a knife under my bed.

Not my cake-cutting knife. A different one.

And hearing about Catherine, this all comes up,

and I said, "Mom, you know, the house that we grew up in,

that house had such a weird energy."

My mom said, "That house

was the most haunted house..."

"...I have ever lived in."

"You mean the house you left me in alone when I was a teenager?"

"I had to. I was scared."

I said, "What did you hear?"

"Well, when I was there,

I would hear footsteps at night, going up and down the stairs."

"You and your brothers were asleep. I would hear door slams, screams."

"That thing was evil."

"You should've told me. I would've gone to my grandmother's house."

"Your grandmother's house

was the second most haunted house

I have ever been in."

"Your grandfather has been floating around there since 1963."

"But whatever was in our house was so evil

that I said to it one night, 'If you do not leave,

I'm gonna call the Duke University paranormal department.'"

I don't know if that's an Ivy League Ghostbusters or what that is.

She said, "But I did not wanna fool with it."

"I decided to put our house on the market."

And then she started whispering.

"But I did not disclose

that there was a ghost,

and that house has been sold every five years ever since."

"So I believe evil still lurks within."

Now, a couple of months ago, I was in Chicago for a show,

and the night before, I was leaving a restaurant,

and this man stops me, and he goes,

"I have something weird to ask you."

I said, "Oh man."

"I am about to touch a wiener."

He said, "I think my good friend lived in your childhood home."

And he asked me the address. I said, "That is my childhood home."

I said, "Can I ask you a weird question?"

I said, "Did your friend ever say if that house was haunted?"

He said, "My friend said that was the most haunted house he's ever lived in

in his entire life,

and he and his family moved out after six years."

So evil does lurk within.

That's why I'm saying, if you're buying a house,

do not be afraid to ask about ghosts.

And if the disclosures say,

"The roof is from 1996, there's new plumbing,

oh, and Catherine will join you at the table,"

don't buy that house.

But I'm happy to say

that Jax and I have been in this house now for over a year,

and so far, no ghosts.

Uh, so I'm very excited about that.

Thank you. You guys really get me.

But there is one thing that I wanted to do in this house.

Now, in this journey to where I'm at now,

it's been about 21 years in Los Angeles.

And it took me a really long time to... to get traction,

to... to work, to be successful.

And during that time of working hard and not getting anywhere,

I would daydream about one day,

if I'm lucky enough to work, to make money,

to buy a home,

there is something I am going to put in that house,

and that will be the symbol of success.

And I didn't know where this idea came from.

But I will tell you guys

that six months ago,

I installed my very own...

...industrial crushed-ice machine.

I made it, baby!

The only problem is that now my mom wants to move in with us...

...which would, in fact, make our house haunted.

I said, "Why don't you just come over for slushies instead?"

She goes, "Well, I think, at the very least,

that we should, in February,

for mine and Jax's birthday..."

"...the three of us should go on a cruise."

"You pay."

I said, "Mom, I love you,

but I would rather go back to the Maldives

wearing Crocs,

rainbow shorts,

and a cut-off tee

that just says

'dyke.'"

"That ain't happening."

Thank you guys so much!

Thank you for being here.

Seattle, you're the best.

Someone wanted to know how you feel about my current material

involving you.

Um... I've been your material for a long time.

Mm-hmm.

And I haven't gotten any revenue.