Original subtitles

- ♪ How do the stars realign ♪

♪ The twinkle in your eyes is brighter than the moonlit sky ♪

The whole Garcia family was very much looking forward

to Abuelo and Abuelita's vow renewal.

- You're an incredibly lucky woman.

Even luckier that he didn't

catch you in your big, fat lie.

And now that you're not working at the salon anymore,

there's no reason he'll ever find out.

In a way, it's all perfect.

- ♪ This was paradise ♪

♪ Paradise ♪ - No, no, no, no, no, no, cut.

This is all wrong. Where is the emotion, people?

We're at a vow renewal.

The only thing we're renewing right now is boredom.

- Mija, we appreciate you organizing all this for us,

but we don't need it to be a big production.

- Well, at this rate, your wish may come true.

Now reset and go back to your dressing room.

- I thought you were gonna get a haircut, Abuelo.

- Yeah, I was gonna go in, but then I decided to let it grow.

Abuelita likes to run her fingers through my long locks.

- [groaning] - Ew.

- Where are we with my appetizer tasting?

- Don't worry, Max and I are on it.

- Don't let me down.

I really took a chance on you, Victoria.

- A chance that no one else wanted

to be your unpaid helper monkey.

- Executive assistant helper monkey.

Now, let's go. We have a lot to do.

[upbeat music]

- I think Mom and Dad should vow

to never put her in charge of anything ever again.

- [laughs]

- Thanks, but it wasn't that funny.

- No, really. [laughs]

- Okay, I guess it kind of was. [laughter]

- All right, then. Okay, sounds good, then.

Okay, sounds good. Bye.

Sorry, bro. What'd you say?

- Nothing important.

So were those the guys that you're making the deal with?

- Oh, yeah, no, I'm gonna have

to go meet up with them tomorrow.

- You'll be back on time, yeah?

- Of course, man.

This vow renewal is, like, the most important thing.

Go for Carlos. Oh, I'm here.

No, yeah, no, I'm here. No, yeah, yeah, I got you.

Okay, sure. No, I can be there.

- Hi, Tío George.

- If he wasn't your father, Alexa...

- Excuse me, Ray.

I just wanted to ask, how are your vows coming?

- I don't know, I'll get to them.

- Get there soon; it's a vow renewal,

"vow" being the operative word.

- Well, if worse comes to worst, I'll just wing it.

- No, no, no, you cannot wing it.

Do you remember my wedding when Carlos tried to--

wicka-wicka-- freestyle our vows?

Yeah, he started quoting Sir Mix-A-Lot,

and I don't even have that much back.

So...

- I don't know what that means.

Lorena, can I get a bathroom break?

[sighs]

[bright music]

♪ ♪

- [speaking Spanish]

Ay, gordito.

[speaking Spanish]

Where are you going?

- Well, Carlos is out of town closing that deal

and I'm all caught up on work,

so I thought I'd hang out by the reflecting pool.

- Okay, but just be careful,

because the sun is really hot today

and you don't want to fry

that delicate American skin of yours.

- It's not that delicate.

- Of course not, mi amor,

but just in case, your SPF 75 is in the bathroom

next to your goat milk anti-wrinkle cream, okay?

- It's preventative.

- Wow, George, I am impressed.

- Just trying to find my center.

- Although I don't think meditation

involves beer and chips.

- Well, maybe not your meditation.

- Hmm. [power tools whirring]

- What is that noise coming from the neighbors?

- I don't know but, hey, don't let it disturb your Zen.

- [chuckles] So funny.

[whirring continues]

Come on!

[sighs]

[door creaking]

- Excuse me, can I help you? - I don't think so.

You're not Pablo or Pato.

- And unless you've got a plate of enchiladas in your pocket,

you're not my lunch.

- Ah, yeah. Where are Pablo and Pato?

- Somewhere spending the money we gave them

to rent out the house to shoot the new season

of "Keeping Up with the Cartels."

- Okay. - I'm Josh, the director,

though you'd never know it, because a director

would have his lunch by now, Miranda!

- I'm sorry. I'll call the caterer again.

- [sighs]

- "Keeping Up with the Cartels"?

- Yeah, we're in our fifth season.

I'm assuming you've seen it.

- I don't watch a lot of TV.

- You are frickin' joking.

- I just have a hard time keeping up with pop culture.

- All right, I'll get back to you.

[sighs] - I swear those things

should have an "occupied" sign on your forehead.

- So my day just got worse, which is bad,

considering I still don't have any lunch!

- Working on it.

- One of my actors just went into rehab for the...

Fifth time.

- Yeah, look, so this has been great

and whatever, but...

[suspenseful music]

[laughs]

This is so cool.

What? Oh.

- Huh.

I really like your look.

You have a real, authentic Mexican vibe now.

- Really? I mean, you know,

I've gotten that before.

[speaking Spanish]

- Yeah, I don't really speak Mexican,

but listen, it's a small part, but...

- You don't speak Spanish.

You don't speak Spanish. It's Mexican, not Sp--

Are you offering me a role?

- I'm offering you a dream.

What do you say, amigo?

- Whoa, no speak-o.

I just know the one word, "amigo."

Miranda, I want my frickin' lunch, rápido.

- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- Wow, I guess I know two words now:

"amigo" and "rápido."

- You know what? I'll do it. - Great.

Adios.

- Ah.

- The gun.

- Yeah.

♪ ♪

There's no doorknob. How do you...

[panel beeping]

All right, yeah, well, clever.

Better way to do that.

[scoffs]

- Hmm, so he didn't even make you audition for it?

- Nope, he just said he really liked my look.

- Hmm.

- That I had an authentic Mexican vibe.

- Has Josh ever met a real Mexican?

- Well, he has now.

- Ah. - Oh, Lorena, hope I'm not

stepping on your acting toes with this.

- No, go for it.

I found acting to be superficial.

I'm a producer now.

- Mm. - Ugh, look at this jamón.

I said ibérico, not serrano. [groans]

[sighs]

- She's getting crazier, right? It's not just me?

- George, have you ever actually seen

"Keeping Up with the Cartels"?

- Not technically.

- Well, "technically"

it's filled with awful stereotypes

of Latinos playing drug lords and gangsters.

- Maybe I'll play the wise but tough teacher

who introduces the kids to math and gets them off the streets.

- Mm.

- Say hello to my little friend.

[mimics gun firing] - Basta.

- [sighs] I love fruity circles. Mmm.

- All right, now, remember, tomorrow is the big day,

and there is no "I" in "cooperation."

- Um, actually there is a-- no, you're right.

- I have to go upstairs and check on the bride.

- [sighs] So I guess that's it.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going?

- We got our marching orders, so we're marching.

- You got Tía Lorena's orders,

not mine.

- Why do you get to give orders?

- Because if you don't listen to my orders,

she's gonna find out you didn't obey her orders.

- But we are.

- Not if I don't tell her you are.

- You can't do that. - Can't I?

You scratch my back, I scratch yours.

Now, who wants to make me lunch,

and who wants to scratch my back?

Seriously, it's been itching all morning.

- I'll make lunch.

- Meanwhile, my Abuelita decided to finally come clean

about her secret job.

- Ray, I did not retire.

I've been working at a local salon

behind your back. [groans]

Don't worry, it has not had any impact on my health,

but you deserve to know.

And if that means that you want to cancel

this vow renewal ceremony, I understand--

- No!

No, no, no, no, no.

- Mija, you heard my little secret.

- Yes.

So are you still working at the salon?

- Well, no,

but renewing our vows

when I'm still keeping this big secret,

it just doesn't feel right.

- Mami, you are the heart and soul of this family,

but this is a vow renewal ceremony,

not a "I'm keeping a big, fat lie from my family" ceremony.

- Maybe you're right.

I've kept this secret for so long now.

Maybe I should just wait and tell him afterwards.

- Exactly, and you don't want to miss my big, beautiful day.

Uh, your big, beautiful day.

- [laughs]

- Mi amor.

- [snores] Ay, papi.

[laughs] - Who are you?

What are you doing in my room, in my bed?

- Calmate, George.

I'm the ghost of Hollywood past

and Hollywood present, for that matter.

- You need to be the ghost of getting out of my room.

- Calmate, George.

I'm the bearer of good tidings.

Josh, the vato from next door,

he wants to do a TV series about you and your family.

And it's called--wait for it...

"The Garcias."

- Huh?

- Watch.

- Wait, who is that?

And what is she doing at the head of my table?

- Well, it's Hollywood, bro.

Mexicans can't own a house this nice.

- Come on. That's not true.

There are plenty of Mexicans on TV--

- Name one. - Well, I mean--

- That's not the head of a drug cartel.

- Yeah, I got nothing. - Mm.

- I climbed the border wall

and swum the Rio Grande

just to blow leaves for you, señora.

[canned laughter]

- How is that funny? - Well, it's funny

if non-Latino writers in Hollywood say it's funny.

Bro, they got over a half a century

of doing the same stuff over and over, chale.

- Ay, dios mío, mi señora.

I'm so sorry. I let your coffee get cold.

[speaking Spanish]

- Why is my wife a maid?

Look, don't get me wrong.

Gardeners, maids, these are honorable,

hardworking professions, but that's not all we are.

- Not in Hollywood, homey. Yeah.

But it's okay. [speaking Spanish]

The show's gonna be aspirational as well, watch.

- Oh, okay, this is better.

- Business is booming.

We just moved 25 kilos today.

- Aw, come on!

- I only killed five people today,

and I am exhausted.

- Seriously?

How many negative stereotypes could you possibly--

- Say hello to my little friend.

- Hey, ese, should I shoot 'em like this

or like this?

Or like this or like this?

- I like number three the best.

- Oh, number three, all right, all right.

- Yeah. - Shoot 'em.

Come on, man.

[all speaking Spanish]

- Five kilos.

[all talking at once]

[gunfire]

- [gasps]

- I think I know why you want to be Mexican so bad.

I mean, look how they treat you in TV and movies, bro.

But then you go anywhere else in the world

and no one sees you like that.

They see you.

They see how beautiful you are--

your food, your music, your culture,

your commitment to family.

Chale.

- So what am I?

- I got good news.

You're 200%--

100% Mexicano and 100% American.

You don't have to choose.

- [breathing heavily]

Thank God. Oh.

- [speaking Spanish] - You're all okay.

- Yeah. - And normal.

Are you packing heat?

- What is wrong with you?

- You look like you've seen a ghost, mijo.

- Hey, cool T-shirt, Tío George.

- Ah, mi amor, I'm glad

the shirt I bought you fits perfectly.

I think it says it all.

- Thank you, amor.

And now I got to go next door

and tell Josh I'm 100% not doing his stupid show.

- [speaking Spanish] I'm so proud of you, mi amor.

- I hate to keep bringing this up,

but he's also 100% Puerto Rican.

- Victoria's so bossy with all her stupid demands.

It's hard to live with the whole family

cooped up in one place.

- I can't imagine what it's like

living with a bunch of people in the same--

oh, wait a minute.

I was on the space station

with a lot of people for months on end.

- The space station.

That would be my dream.

- Yeah, except up there,

when you want to go out and get some fresh air,

there is none.

- I missed you so much, Tío Larry.

- Oh, I missed you too.

- Andrea, my bed's not gonna make itself.

- Uh-oh, Victoria's on the warpath.

- You know my sheet--

Oh, my God, Tío Larry!

When did you get in? - Just now.

Came right up the beach and found Andrea.

I think she's hiding from you.

- Of course she is.

Everybody, Tío Larry's back from space!

Come on.

Everyone, Tío Larry's back! [people cheering]

- Even though our family is super close,

we always felt like there was a piece of us missing,

floating out in space.

Uncle Larry was always good at surprises,

but this one was his best.

Wait a second, how did you get from up there to down here?

- Oh, really carefully.

[laughter]

- We love you, Tío Larry!

- Whoo!

- ♪ Paradise ♪

♪ The sunset fades into twilight ♪

♪ Dancing through the night ♪

♪ Enough ♪

- I'm so happy that Uncle Larry's back.

- Me too.

I can't wait for him to hear my song.

I bet he's gonna be super amazed.

- That's kind of a high bar considering he's been in space,

but you got this. [laughter]

- Here, try these. It's for the reception.

- Looks good.

Mmm.

Amazing. - Yum.

- It's a brie, fig, and prosciutto quesadilla bite.

- What are you doing?

- Have you guys seen the rings?

I've been looking for them all morning.

- Maybe.

That sounds like valuable information.

I wonder how much something like that would cost.

- I think making all our beds for a week

would be a great start.

- Okay, a week?

- You're right. Two weeks sounds better.

You scratch our backs, and--oh, yeah,

and we're also going to need our backs scratched.

- Yeah. - Okay, fine.

Now, where are they?

- Look inside your heart.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- The heart-shaped box in your backpack.

- [sighs] Thank God.

Wait a minute.

You had me carry them

the entire time I was looking for them?

- In the one place I knew you'd never look.

- Your heart.

- Wait a minute, are you saying that--

you--

[groans]

Whatever, I don't-- [groans]

- You guys are my heroes.

both: Pew, pew. - Gug, gug, gug.

♪ How do the stars realign ♪

♪ The twinkle in your eyes is brighter than ♪

- I swear Carlos would be late to his own funeral,

which might happen sooner than he thinks

if he doesn't get here.

- ♪ That this was paradise ♪

- Sorry I'm late. - Too close.

- My flight was delayed.

Larry?

Awesome. - Hey, bro.

- Welcome back to Earth. How are you?

- We'll catch up later. - Okay.

Hey, George,

I think I just made an amazing deal, bro.

- Just glad you made it here.

- Good afternoon. Thank you for being here.

We're here to celebrate the renewal

of the wedding vows of Ray and Sonia Garcia.

- Excuse me, Father.

I'd like to say something.

- Oh, God, he's winging it.

- You remember when I winged it?

Of course you do.

- Sonia, I tried to write vows,

but words can't measure up

to the wonderful life we've built together.

So I thought,

why not let some pictures do the talking?

Andrea?

- Everybody open your cell phones.

There's a link that you can see.

- Hold on. What's happening?

- ♪ Never have I ♪

♪ Ever loved the way that I loved you ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Love notes in your smile ♪

♪ Gets me ready for another day ♪

♪ Everything I do ♪

♪ Working hard taking care of you ♪

♪ Hopelessly I fall in love each and every day ♪

♪ And I do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

- I've been lying to you.

[all gasp]

- What? - I've been sneaking around

behind your back working at a salon these past few months.

It hasn't affected my blood pressure,

you can believe me.

Although I feel it might be pretty high right now.

I tried to tell you so many times, and I just couldn't.

And now, seeing this beautiful video of our life together,

I just can't go on lying to you.

- Did anyone else know about this?

Wow.

Um...

I think I have to take a walk.

Excuse me.

- Ray, let's talk.

♪ ♪

- Dad. - Hey, mijo.

Hey, sorry it's not such a great homecoming for you.

- You know, Dad, you've given me

a lot of great advice over the years.

It's really made me the man I am today.

- Well, thank you, Larry,

but that's just what fathers are supposed to do.

- Can I return the favor, give you some advice?

You know, when you're up there,

the Earth just seems so small.

You know, when I see things like the video you made,

our world, our family, our love,

it feels so big.

And to be a part of it

in this speck of dust floating through space

would make anyone feel pretty damn lucky.

- Yeah, I know in the great scheme of things,

the lie isn't such a big deal, but...

it is to me.

- Dad, her work was a huge deal to her.

I mean, we had a salon in our home.

It wasn't just something she did.

It was a big part of who she was

for so long.

And to give that up?

- But why did she feel she had to lie to me?

I thought I was her best friend.

- I guarantee, Mom really struggled not to tell you.

Sometimes we try more than anything

not to hurt the people we love

but end up hurting them more than we planned.

- You know, you're pretty good at this advice thing.

- I learned from the best. Ah!

- You know, when you have four kids,

sometimes you have to improvise.

- Like when I was nine and you told me the only reason

why Patty Pinknee didn't like me was because she had been

hypnotized at a birthday party

and could no longer like handsome boys like you.

- Yeah, I was kind of running on empty that day.

You know, I think I'm gonna go find your mom.

- Okay.

- Okay, nobody panic.

They'll be back sooner rather than later.

- Hey, maybe we could get

another couple to renew their vows.

- Oh, yeah, okay, thanks, George.

Way to talk about my beautiful ceremony

when it's in shambles and-- - We can always do it.

- [gasps]

- Dad.

- Mi amor, what are you doing here?

- I was able to get a last-minute leave,

so George flew me out.

- [squeals]

That's so sweet.

Why didn't you tell me you were doing this

before I called you stupid, stupid?

- Dad, I need to show you the cool beach

and cook for you.

Can we go skateboarding too?

- I'm not very good, but we can try.

- [laughs]

- You're the best, Tío George. - Oh.

Happy to help, bud.

- Oh, good.

Gordito. - Hmm?

- Is he staying with us too? - Ooh.

- Oh, good, I was just thinking the house isn't full enough.

- Uh-huh, yeah. - Uh-huh.

- Mi amor, you and Max are my whole heart.

You're my entire world.

And if it's okay with you,

I'd love to stand in front of our family

and renew my everlasting commitment to you both.

- If you need some help with the vows, I got you.

- Shh!

- You heard him, everyone. People, places.

You two, in the back. You, go in the front.

Go, go, go, go, go. Queen bee is back in the hive.

- Good job, mija.

[cheers and applause]

- Good afternoon, we are here today to celebrate

the renewal of wedding vows and family vows.

- You know, it took Andrea and I forever

to put that video together.

- Oh, Ray.

- It was really hard to edit it down

to less than 36 years.

- I wanted to tell you a million times.

- I don't want to keep you from working.

I was just worried about your health.

You're my best friend.

I want you to be able to say anything to me.

- I'm sorry.

And I love you, Ray.

- I love you, Sonia.

- Let's go back to our party.

- I vow to always be there for you

in sickness and in health till death do us part.

- And I vow to never hide anything from you again.

- And I vow to remember that I am the luckiest man

on the planet to be able to spend my life with you.

- And I vow to always remind you of that.

[laughter]

Let's go back to that party our kids have planned for us.

- Of course.

- And with renewal comes new possibilities

and what they hold for the next chapter

in the story of the Garcias.

[speaking Spanish]

Everything for the family.

- So good to have you back, Lar.

- Ah.

- You too, bro.

- We missed you, Larry.

- I just love that I'm taller than both of you now.

- All right. - Oh, wow.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, to the brothers Garcia.

- Cheers to that. - Cheers.

- Tío Larry, let's go.

- I want to thank you all for coming.

Today was a very interesting day,

but let's have a great night.

- Welcome home to my mijito, Larry.

- I love you, Mami. - Whoo!

- I love you.

- Tío Larry, have you ever heard

of a guy named Richard Branson?

- Oh, yeah. He's an amateur.

- And we are so delighted to see Lorena, Max, and Julian

together as a family again.

- I've never seen Mom without words.

- Don't worry, Max. It's not gonna last long.

- [speaking Spanish]

- Everything for the family.

[all speaking Spanish]

- And we'd like to thank Ana and George for putting us up,

but Sonia and I have decided

it's time to go back to San Antonio.

- Oh, no. - Vacations can't last forever.

- Maybe they can, Dad.

Everyone, I have a huge announcement to make too.

I just got back from closing a massive deal

with some investors that want to buy into

a really cool music app that I recently acquired.

- Wow.

- But they want me to take the lead on it.

- Gordito, it's fine.

- Congrats, bro.

- So they're offering a ton of money

and full relocation services-- get this...

[tense music]

For all of us to move

to beautiful--

♪ ♪

- ♪ How do the stars realign ♪

♪ The twinkle in your eyes ♪

♪ Is brighter than the moonlit sky ♪

♪ That's when I knew ♪

♪ Oh, then I knew ♪

♪ That this was paradise ♪

♪ Paradise, paradise ♪

♪ That this was paradise ♪

♪ Paradise, paradise ♪

♪ Maybe we can escape ♪

♪ Paradise, paradise ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Maybe we can escape ♪

♪ You and me, any place ♪

♪ That feels right with you ♪