Original subtitles

[theme music]

- Hey. - Oh, Zack,

I've come up with the perfect way for you to get Kelly back -- a poem!

- Uh, Screech, I don't think-- - Kelly, you're the girl for me.

Your lips are as red as cranberry.

Your hair is brown and your teeth are white.

Your feet smell like a summer's night.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I couldn't hear you over the sound of Robert Frost screaming in his grave.

Fine. Fine then.

I just won't read you the part about her nose hair.

Listen, Screech, thanks for trying,

but I've already come up with a perfect stunt

to get Kelly's mind off of Professor Lasky and back onto me.

KELLY (OFFSCREEN): Come in.

Hey.

Hey, Zack. What's going on?

Uh, nothing yet.

Oh, wow.

Want to see something special?

Oh, that's not special.

That's Pops, the security guard.

He's always got his binoculars on our window.

No, not him.

That.

I heart Kelly?

I believe that heart stands for love, Kelly.

Haven't you ever played Concentration?

I love Kelly. How sweet!

Do you realize what this means?

Yup. It means someone is trying to show you

how much he loves you.

And I'm going to show that someone how much I love him.

Well, you just go ahead, show away.

Where you going?

Well, to see Professor Lasky.

I mean, he obviously changed his mind about us

and came up with that adorable way of telling me.

Kelly, did I mention you're the girl for me?

Your lips are as red as cranberry.

What am I doing?

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow, ♪

♪ and it's all up to me how far I go ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ I've never seen such a view before, ♪

♪ a new world before my eyes ♪

♪ So much for me to explore ♪

♪ It's where my future lies ♪

♪ Today, I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ From here, the future looks bright for me ♪

♪ And it's all up to me how far I go ♪

♪ It's my time to break away ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow today ♪

Alex, you'll never guess the wonderful thing Jeremiah did.

Kelly, Jeremiah didn't do it.

I did.

You?

Zack, why would you do something so ridiculous?

Ridiculous?

When you thought it was Lasky, you said it was adorable.

Well, that's different!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out.

Now, you both need to calm down and take a deep breath.

And fill me in so I can take a side.

All right.

Well, I wanted to show Kelly how I feel about her,

so I hired a plane with a banner that said, "I love Kelly."

Cost 400 bucks.

400 bucks?

Man, that's a lot of feeling.

Are you nuts?

He's not nuts. He's just romantic.

Take a hint!

Zack, look. It was a really nice gesture,

but I wish you wouldn't waste your money on me.

I wish for once you'd waste your money on me.

Hey, I took you to the Sizzler.

Yeah, great.

We had to dress up like the Golden Girls

so we could get the senior citizen discount.

Well, that didn't stop you from eating 300 shrimp, did it?

[giggles]

Look, I can't talk about this now.

I've got to get to the health center.

Yeah, and I've got to get to wrestling practice.

How come all you do lately is work?

How come all you do lately is wrestle?

It takes my mind off of Jeremiah.

Uh, mine too.

Professor Lasky.

I hope you're not drinking and driving.

You mean all this milk?

No. It's just ever since that-- that, uh,

thing with Kelly, my ulcer's been acting up.

I'm so sorry.

I wish there was something I could do.

Listen, can I come by your office around 3:00?

No!

No females are allowed in my office.

Well, it's nothing personal.

I just wanted to discuss the reading assignment.

[sigh] I'm sorry.

I'm overreacting.

Of course we can meet.

So I'll be at your office at 3:00?

No. I'll see you on the football field.

Just you, me, and the marching band.

See that? That's a sigma alpha tattoo.

All the pledges are getting them.

Really?

Well, I'd like to get one, Bill,

but I've got such delicate skin.

I have to moisturize twice a day, you know.

There's a picture.

Look, Screech.

I-- if you don't get one of those tattoos,

all the guys at the frat are going to think that you're a wimp.

And if I get one, they'll think I'm cool?

Well, no.

Will they at least stop hanging me out the window by my ankles?

Sure.

Except, of course, at parties.

Well, of course at parties.

Alex! Alex.

You'll never believe this,

but that guy is trying to talk Screech into getting a tattoo.

Tattoos!

That's what we'll do.

What's what we'll do?

I'll get a Slater tattoo on me, and you can get an Alex tattoo on you.

Oh.

But tattoos are so permanent.

And we're not?

No.

Alex, look. I'm committed to you,

and I know nothing says love like a hideous, disfiguring mark,

but what do you say we get ID bracelets instead?

Great idea, Slater.

And after that, we can go to the malt shop

and split a sundae with Potsie and Ralph Malph.

Kelly, I'd like you to have these.

Zack, these belong to the patient in 214.

Eh, the guy's in a coma.

Like he can smell them.

Why did you take this job, anyway?

Well, because I'm devoted to helping the sick and injured.

Well, good.

Then take this bedpan to Mrs. Johnson in 201.

Right away, ma'am.

Well, Mrs. Johnson better not drink too much coffee.

Orderly, would you let the staff know I'm here for my flu shot?

Oh, Dean McMann.

Oh, Mr. Morris.

What are you doing here?

- I work here. - Oh, really?

What's your angle?

Is there some poor girl in a body cast you're trying to take advantage of?

Excuse me, ma'am, but I care deeply for the patients here.

Oh.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Orderly, I need some help!

Eh, keep your gown on. I'll be there in a minute.

Nurse Gruen, would you mind giving Dean McMann here her flu shot?

Uh, in fact, give her two.

Come with me.

You're going to give me my shot?

Have you ever done this before?

Once.

Zack, you know, I'm really touched that you're working at a place

that you hate just to be close to me.

Well, I'm touched that you're touched.

And since we're both so touched,

maybe we should both be touching.

Zack, you never change.

Why? Do you want me to be different?

No, I didn't say that.

Look, my shift ends at 8 o'clock.

And then maybe we could--

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Stand back! I've got a sick man here.

- What? - Oh, Jeremiah!

Well, forget him! You were saying--

- Jeremiah, I'm here. What's wrong? - It's my ulcer.

I've had a lot of aggravation lately.

Because of me?

Oh, no, no, no.

There's hundreds of factors that led up to--

well, yeah. Mostly you.

Oh. [laughs] Oh!

Uh, well, what are your symptoms?

Nausea, intense stomach cramps, blinding pain.

That's all?

Can you believe this?

Some guys have all the luck.

Oh, is Jeremiah--

I mean, uh, Professor Lasky all right?

He's doing better.

He just has a bad case of gastroenteritis.

He'll live.

So Kelly, you were saying that you get off at 8:00, and then you and I can--

Is that condition stress related?

Yes.

Which is why it's important you keep Professor Lasky calm.

No excitement whatsoever, and he needs plenty of water.

Lots of water. Got it.

Uh, Kelly.

Maybe I'd better take the water to Lasky.

Remember, he can't have any excitement.

I'm not going to excite him.

Oh, Kelly.

When you walked past the morgue,

four stiffs sat up and splashed on Old Spice.

Trust me. You are going to excite him.

Zack, when I put on this uniform,

Kelly Kapowski the woman changes into Kelly Kapowski

the trained professional health care worker.

Besides, I'm head orderly.

- Aah! - Oh! Oh!

I've got some water for you.

Ice water. Yes. Thank you very much.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let's get you out of that wet gown.

Y-you know, that sounds like a job for a male orderly.

Hello!

One male orderly at your service.

Oh, don't be silly. I'm a professional.

I do this sort of thing all the time.

- Well, you're not doing it this time. - Zack, don't you--

INTERCOM: I need an orderly at the front desk, stat.

Zack, you have to answer that page.

- Ha! Why can't you? - Because I'm head orderly.

Now go.

(MOCKINGLY) Because I'm head orderly.

No wonder we need health care reform.

Ah, what is it?

You have an impeccable bedside manner.

Who trained you, Dr. Kevorkian?

Uh, Dean McMann is having a bad reaction to the flu shot.

Take her to the lab for a complete blood work up.

[groaning]

Well, looking kind of green, Dean.

Just shut up and push.

KELLY (OFFSCREEN) (GIGGLING): Jeremiah, that gown is

supposed to be tied in the back.

Uh, excuse me, Dean.

We have a severe case of overexposure in there.

Don't forget to make a hard right at the water fountain!

MCMANN (OFFSCREEN) (SCREAMING): Mr. Morris!

[crashing sounds]

Ooh.

Ow.

Ow, these tattoos really hurt!

Screech, I'm using a felt tipped pen.

I know, but you're pressing so hard.

There. All done.

Wow, that looks real.

And I look cool.

Super cool!

Thanks, babe.

Hey, guys.

Notice anything a little different about me?

A tattoo?

Whoa! Was it painful?

Hey, it was even worse than that time I got my head caught

between the steering wheel and the club.

But a real man like me can take it.

What he's saying is a real man isn't afraid

to show that he's committed to something,

unlike somebody else I know.

Professor Lasky has a mild fever.

See to it he gets a sponge bath.

- Right away, doctor. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. A sponge bath?

Ha ha!

This Dr. Wong does not know what she's talking about.

I mean, Dr. Lasky could get a chill, get pneumonia,

and then go into shock.

And before you know it, you've got another sponge bath related fatality.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Whew.

- Zack, you're nuts. - Hey, hey, hey.

My uncle Harry died from that.

Now, you want that on your conscience?

Zack, your uncle Harry is in jail in Texas.

Right. Right.

Where he's getting sponge bathed against his will.

[buzzer]

That's the dean. You'd better go see what she wants.

[buzzer]

(GROANING) Hold your horses, you old battle--

(CHEERFUL) afternoon, Dean!

Gerald, I don't care how kicky the students think it is.

We are going to have a female homecoming queen.

I have been waiting for hours for fresh bed linen.

Ah, yes. Fresh bed linen.

Right.

Gerald, I don't care how cute he is in a dress.

I want a female!

Here you go.

And don't forget, hospital corners.

Oh, whoa. I'll take over for you, Kell.

[buzzer]

That non-stop buzz.

Must be Dean McMann again.

[buzzer]

I didn't hear anything.

MCMANN (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Morris, get your incompetent behind in here!

And she wonders why she hasn't gotten any get well cards.

Oh, what I'd-- [grunt]

[deep breath]

What is it now, Dean?

Bed linen.

I want it changed.

By you.

Listen, please. Can't you just wait five minutes?

I have an emergency in the next room.

Well, far be it from me to keep you from brain surgery,

but I've got wrinkles everywhere.

I am an orderly, not a plastic surgeon!

I'm talking about the sheets!

I can't stand wrinkled sheets!

Change them, now!

OK, OK!

- Whoa! - Whoops.

Dean McMann, are you all right?

No! This, this miscreant tried to kill me!

I did not!

Oh, uh, Dean McMann, I-- I'm sure it was just an accident.

I don't care if it was an accident.

I want him fired now.

Please. You can't fire me.

Isn't that right, Dr. Wong?

No, she can't. But I can.

I'm sorry, Zack.

You're really not cut out for this sort of work.

Oh no, no, wait.

Aren't I entitled to a second opinion?

Yes. You're incompetent and annoying. Get out.

I'll take care of Dean McMann.

Kelly, you go finish Professor Lasky's sponge bath.

Right.

What is it with this sponge bath?

Why don't you just take him to a car wash and wheel him through?

Hey, you know what?

I'll even spring for the carnauba wax.

Leslie, Leslie.

My tattoo needs another touch-up, fast.

Screech, this is the fourth time today.

Hey, can I help it if I sweat like a Bekins moving man?

Hey, Screech, you want to go see--

oh, what's what stuff on your arm?

Nothing. I'm just having a bad tattoo day.

Hey, look. It's coming off.

This isn't a real tattoo.

It's drawn on. You guys believe it?

Check it out. What a geek!

Hey.

If you ask me, Screech is the only smart guy on the lot.

Yeah, right!

Yeah, what's that supposed to mean, Mike?

Follow me. I'll show you.

Yeah, right!

Um, Leslie, we're going to the men's room.

Yeah, right!

Maybe I'll just wait out here.

[laughs]

Alex! Alex, hold on a second.

I got a little surprise for you.

Check this out.

I got your name tattooed on my ankle.

Huh?

That is my name.

Gee. Could you get it any smaller?

Who did it? A Keebler elf?

Well, I don't see your tattoo.

Well, I'm going to go get one.

In big bold letters and where people can see it,

because I am proud of my man.

Well, what happened?

Well, I showed these guys a tattoo I got when I was in college.

Mike has Big Bird on his butt!

It's not Big Bird.

It's Tweety Bird.

Trust me, Mike. That's a big bird.

OK, so I put on a little weight since my college days.

Anyway, I just hope you guys learned something.

I, I think what Mike is just trying to say is that

what seems cool now might not seem so cool 10 years from now.

Well, that and if you do get a tattoo,

lay off the Mrs. Fields cookies.

- Hey, Slater. - Hey, what's up, man?

Aren't you supposed to be working right now?

Yeah.

Yeah, but thanks to Dean McMann,

I don't have a job anymore.

She told the doctors I tried to kill her.

Do you believe it?

I don't know. Did you?

Technically, yes.

Now that I'm banned from the health center,

I can't keep an eye on Lasky and Kelly anymore.

You know, it's just too bad you're so darn healthy.

Yeah. Too bad.

Dr. Wong, I'm ready to check out.

[groan]

Mr. Morris, you are not supposed to be here.

You're like the neighborhood cat --

can't get rid of you.

Zack isn't feeling well.

What symptoms are you experiencing?

Oh, well, I've got headaches, loss of memory.

I've been fainting, and I've got a loss of memory.

There's nothing wrong with him that a few years

in a maximum security prison wouldn't fix.

Pretty boy.

Dean McMann, Zack's symptoms could be something serious.

- Orderly? - Yes?

Screech, you're working here?

Well, it wasn't my first choice, but McDonald's turned me down.

Take Zack to the lab, and we'll start a complete physical work up.

Wait a minute. What do you mean by complete?

I don't want you guys touching anything that doesn't have a tan.

Zack, I know these tests are unpleasant.

But with your symptoms, we can't take any chances.

[sigh]

Screech, why don't you just hide me in the linen closet?

I can't do that, Zack. I need this job.

Besides, I burned my bridges at McDonald's.

They won't even let me eat there.

Oh, can I fluff your pillow?

No, no, that's OK. My pillow's all fluffed out.

How about some magazines?

Kelly, can we just talk?

I really appreciate all the little things you've been doing for me.

Slipping me extra Jello, reading to me,

wiring the TV for surround sound.

I'm just doing my job.

But you really shouldn't be this nice to me

after the way I treated you.

You ought to be angry with me.

And it would be good for you to express that anger.

Jeremiah, don't be silly.

I could never be angry with you.

- [groan] - Zack!

Are you all right?

No, I feel like I've been tortured.

You know, if these doctors were the Germans,

I would've told them when D-Day was.

Oh, well I'll let you rest a little before we start the next series of tests.

More tests?

There's no place left for them to look.

Oh yes there is.

Please, don't let them give me anymore tests.

Well, Zack, you need them if you're not feeling well.

I'm feeling fine.

I just said I was sick to keep an eye on you.

Well, that's terrible.

I know, Kelly. I made a mistake.

But I only did it because of you.

Time for your barium!

No more! You stay away from me!

- Oh. - But it's cherry flavored!

How could someone be so stupid?

Oh, Kelly, don't be so hard on him.

I wasn't talking about Zack.

I was talking about me.

What?

I'm so stupid to have fallen in love with you.

OK, OK, OK.

Why do you feel this way?

Why do I feel this way?

Isn't it obvious?

I mean, Zack is willing to go through anything for me, and you--

well, we both know what you're willing to do for me -- nothing!

Good, good. Kelly, go with your feelings.

I'll give you feelings.

I'm tired of hoping you see how wonderful I am.

I'm tired of being nice.

And I'm tired of you!

Hey! How'd it go?

Fine. Just fine.

Well, can I see the tattoo?

Why? You know what your name looks like.

Oh Alex, come on.

Where is it? Where is it, huh?

All right, all right. I wanted to get a tattoo.

I really did.

But when I got to the tattoo place,

there were all these needles.

And the tattoo guy's name was Rusty.

And I don't know. Rusty, needles.

I just had to get out of there.

You're not mad, are you?

Of course I'm mad.

I got this dumb, idiotic tattoo for you.

I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you.

What do you want me to do?

I'll tell you what I want you to do.

You're going to come with me

to the Sylvester Stallone Film Festival this weekend.

We're going to see every movie he's ever made.

Even "Rocky?"

Yup. One through five.

I'll go get the tattoo!

[knock on door]

Yeah?

Hey, you feeling any better?

No.

Well, you went through a lot today.

Yeah. And a lot went through me.

Ha.

Look, I just wanted to let you know that

I'm finally over Jeremiah, thanks to you.

So does that mean there's a chance for us?

Maybe.

Why don't we take things a step at a time,

starting with dinner?

Oh, I'd love to go to dinner.

Tomorrow night.

The cherry flavored barium really filled me up.

[laughs]

I must admit, I've never had a man swallow radioactive fluid for me.

Let me fluff your pillows.

Oh, you know, you better check my pulse, too.

It's really racing.

You're telling me.

You know, Zack,

I'm really touched that you're working at a place

that you hate just to be close to me.

Well, I'm touched that you're touched.

And since we're both so touched, maybe we should both be, uh--

[starts laughing]

Do you know what I-- [laughter]