Original subtitles

♪♪

[thunder]

Ethics, my favorite class.

That's because I'm so darn ethical--

not.

It's because it's easy, and Mrs. Teasedale loves me.

Ha, I could get an A in my sleep.

Guess what?

Mrs. Teasedale just won the lottery.

She quit Cal U, and she's flying to Bora Bora with the soccer coach.

Well, good for her. She deserves it.

Yeah, and so does he.

The soccer team's had a heckuva season.

Forget about that.

Does anybody know who her replacement is?

Professor Hemmings? [groans]

Oh, man, Hemmings?

The guy eats freshmen for lunch.

They call him Hannibal Lecturer.

He is a world-renowned scholar and author.

The Supreme Court consults him.

- He's a genius. - Yeah, but he's hard.

- He's brutal. - He's impossible.

He's here.

[thunder]

Wow, I hope this doesn't happen every time he walks in the room.

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow, ♪

♪ and it's all up to me how far I go ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ I've never seen such a view before, ♪

♪ a new world before my eyes ♪

♪ So much for me to explore ♪

♪ It's where my future lies ♪

♪ Today, I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ From here, the future looks bright for me ♪

♪ And it's all up to me how far I go ♪

♪ It's my time to break away ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow today ♪

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Professor Arthur Hemmings,

and I have only two rules.

Excuse me, Professor?

May I say on behalf of the whole class

that we are honored to have you as our teacher?

No, you may not.

Rule number one,

never speak unless recognized.

Rule number two, if you do speak,

say something interesting.

Boy, what do you say we chip in and buy him some lottery tickets?

Ethics,

every day of your life you make ethical decisions.

My job is to make you aware of the consequences of those decisions.

Imagine, for example, you work for a dress designer.

You have an opportunity to appropriate a rival company's hot new idea.

What would you do?

Me?

Design dresses?

No way.

Fine, you work for a company more suited to your abilities.

You haul manure.

Would you steal the idea?

Well, what for?

How many ways are there to haul manure?

Well, with your gift for analytical thought,

I'm sure one day you'll find out.

What about you, young lady?

- Is it ethical? - Me?

Um, I'm an actress, so ethics will never apply to me.

Oh, you're an actress?

Yes, I am.

Well, next time, could you act as if you have

the flimsiest shred of intellect in that tiny thespian head?

Come on, people.

Is there no one in the class capable of extemporaneous thought?

The question simply is, would you or would you not steal the idea?

Would I get a promotion?

Vice presidency, six-figure salary, stock options.

You sold me. I'd steal it.

Are you quite sure about that?

What do you mean?

Well, for instance, uh, Machiavelli probably would have stolen the idea,

lied about it, and then covered it up.

But he would have had a brilliant justification for it.

You do know who Machiavelli was, don't you?

Is he Senator Bob Packwood's attorney?

This is pathetic.

I want every other row to stand up.

Now, take a good look around.

This is how many people are going to repeat this course.

50% of my students fail.

Excuse me, Professor Hemmings?

Would that be the half that are sitting

or the half that are standing?

We'll find out, won't we?

Do you believe this ethics assignment?

I haven't read this many books in my whole life.

Well, I'm not gonna let Hemmings get to me.

I have never gotten less than a B in my life,

and I am not about to start.

Well, I've got wrestling practice and a job.

If I'm gonna study,

I better find someone to cover for me at the student union.

You guys know anyone?

Ooh, I can do it.

No, can't think of anyone.

- Me neither. - I'm drawing a blank.

Slater, didn't you hear me? I said I can do it.

Kelly?

Hey, could you cover for me at the student union, please?

Oh, I'm sorry, Slater.

Busing tables is such an icky job.

Besides, I'm really busy at the health center disposing of surgical waste.

Come on, Slater, please.

It's always been my lifelong dream to don the proud uniform

of a food service worker.

Besides, we're talking about busing tables, not brain surgery.

Whoops. Sorry, Clara.

Guess I went in the out door again.

That idiot isn't a permanent employee, is he?

Clara, he's just filling in for me for a couple days.

Thank goodness he's not doing brain surgery.

Oh.

Whoops. Wrong door again.

You know what's confusing me?

It's that one door says "In," and the other says, "Out."

You know, someone should have a meeting about this.

Do that again, I'm sticking your head in the microwave.

So, you studying for midterms?

Yeah. We got a new professor.

His study load's impossible.

Ask for an extension.

Yeah, I don't think that would work with this professor.

Listen, professors are people too.

You don't have to be afraid of--

oh no. It's Hemmings.

He's the only professor to ever make me cry.

Excuse me, Dr. Hemmings?

I'm Alex Tabor.

I'm in your ethics class.

Mm, sorry.

I didn't recognize you.

Oh, this.

I just came from a pep rally.

I'm the school mascot. I'm Freddy the Falcon.

Well, I'm glad that's the case, because otherwise,

you'd just be some lunatic in a bird suit.

I just came to ask you for an extension on the midterm.

You would not believe the demands on Freddy's time.

Well, you tell Freddy for me

that I once failed an entire championship basketball team,

so you can imagine how I feel about a cartoon bird.

Right, OK, thank you.

[cries]

Screech, you're mushing the food.

You've gotta carry the plates like this.

Hey, that's great, Kelly.

They go to table three.

Screech, I'm not gonna--

In the 18th century, Immanuel Kant stated that

human beings have an innate sense of an absolute moral law.

However, they don't always act in accordance with this moral law,

but rather in accordance with their own selfish needs.

Mr. Morris, can you name Kant's theory?

No, I Kant.

The answer is the categorical imperative.

I'm glad you find this amusing, Mr. Morris.

Just remember, as Reinhold Niebuhr said,

laughter is the beginning of prayer,

and prayer is just about the only hope you have of passing my midterm.

Good day.

Excuse me, Dr. Hemmings?

I'm Leslie Burke.

I'm having a very difficult time with your class,

and I was wondering if you'd have time to tutor me.

No.

Well, I'd work around your schedule.

Any time you say, I'll make myself available.

No.

Burke?

Ah, is your father Walter Burke?

Yes, sir.

Oh, I know him well.

He's a fine man and a generous university contributor.

He and I play golf together all the time.

Well, I'll tell Daddy you said hello.

Please do.

So would you consider tutoring me now?

No.

Oh, sir. Here, let me help you with that.

You know, I've been meaning to tell you how much I'm enjoying your class.

Somehow I Kant believe you.

Touché, sir, very droll.

Are you sucking up to me?

No, sir. I'm just interested in ethics.

Oh, well then why don't you trot over to the library

and read "Foundations of Practical Ethics" by me?

Good day.

Good day.

Uh, sir?

He dropped the midterm.

Now, this brings up a very interesting ethical question.

Do I give the test to my friends,

or do I sell the test to my friends?

Hey, Mike.

Oh, hi, Mr. Rogers. How may I serve you?

Ah, I'd like I bacon, lettuce, and tomato on wheat,

extra lettuce, no mayonnaise.

Got it, (SLOWLY) bacon.

What was the rest?

Could you hurry it up, please?

Screech, you don't write it all down.

Here, let me show you.

Clara, give me a BLT on wheat, extra L, no mayo.

- Got it. - Hey, you're pretty good.

I would like a chicken sandwich, plain, on a toasted roll.

Oh, I got this, Mike.

Clara? I need a naked chick with hot buns.

Screech, that is sexual harassment.

Clara, Screech couldn't sexually harass himself.

Thanks, Mike.

I don't believe you.

You killed Hemmings and stole the midterm?

I'm not very good at this class, Zack, but I think that's unethical.

The test fell out of Hemmings' briefcase.

So, should we look at it or not?

I'm not sure.

Give me a second to think this over.

I mean, what's the worst that would happen if I fail the test?

You couldn't wrestle.

Right, and if I can't wrestle,

we could start losing matches.

If we lose, the alumni could stop donating money.

The whole university could collapse.

Hundreds of professors would be out of work,

including Professor Hemmings.

Don't you see? I have to cheat for him.

You're good.

All I could think of was, if I fail, my mom will yell at me.

But you gotta remember, this is serious stuff.

All right? We can't tell anyone.

- Agreed? - Agreed.

OK.

Hey, Alex?

- Guess what? - What?

Zack's got the ethics test.

Oh, way to keep a secret.

Why don't you just go on "Geraldo"?

You've got a copy of the test?

All right, all right.

You can see it.

I don't want to see it. I will not be a party to this.

Fine, you're not invited to this party.

Give us the test back.

No, I won't let you do it. It's wrong.

- Hey, what are you doing? - Whoa, whoa, you can't do that.

Would you rather I tell Professor Hemmings?

I guess you can do that.

Someday you'll thank me for this.

I said, someday you'll thank me for this.

(TOGETHER RELUCTANTLY) Thank you, Leslie.

Good.

Now I'm gonna go study.

I think I'd better take this to the dumpster.

(TOGETHER RELUCTANTLY) Thank you, Leslie.

So would you like some fries with that?

Six years of college and I actually said that.

Kelly? Kelly, the manager's on her way.

What'll I do?

Stand in one place and don't touch anything.

Right.

Screech?

When Slater recommended you,

I have to admit I had my reservations.

After all, I've seen you eat here.

But several students have told me how good the service has been lately.

Well, I've had a little help.

I know a good thing when I see it.

I'm promoting you to assistant manager.

Assistant manager.

I'm assistant manager, and I owe it all to you guys.

There will be a big thank-you note in each of your pay envelopes this week.

We don't get paid.

Oh, well then there will just be a big thank-you note.

Whoa.

Ouch.

- What are you doing here? - What are you doing?

Look, I--

Uh, I couldn't sleep so I decided to go for a stroll.

Oh, yes, the dumpsters are so peaceful and calming this time of night.

Look, we're obviously here for the same reason.

Now, just look for the test.

OK.

Hey, look. Look, I found a piece.

- Ooh. - Questions 8 through 12.

Great, great. Well, that means the other piece must be around here too.

- Yeah. - So come on, keep looking.

Hey, guys. Someone's coming. Dive, dive.

- Dive. - Dive.

[screams]

It's me, Alex.

Oh, please don't tell anybody that you saw me down here.

- OK. - OK.

Leslie, I can't believe you of all people would be down here

after all you said about cheating.

Well, Hemmings is being so unreasonable.

It's almost like he's forcing me to cheat,

and I don't care who knows it.

- That's terrible. - Somebody's coming.

Hide.

(SINGING) ♪ Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away ♪

♪ On my way to where the air is sweet ♪

[hums]

You know, something just struck me.

Yeah, me too, and it's starting to run down my neck.

I'm talking about what we're doing here, this whole cheating thing.

We're stooping about as low as you can.

What makes you say that?

Well, we're neck high in garbage, Alex.

You don't have to be a genius to figure out the symbolism here.

Hey, I found it, guys. I think I found it.

Look.

- That's it. - Yeah.

- We have the whole test. - Isn't that great?

Yeah, really great.

Buenos días, and welcome to Fiesta Day.

Hasta luego.

Come again and bring an amigo.

Screech, look.

I'm not getting paid, and even if I was,

you couldn't pay me enough to wear this goofy hat.

Hey, no sombrero, no jobbo.

You're fired.

And you're insane.

Well, there goes your letter of recommendation, honey.

Screech, why is that burro tied to the bike rack?

Oh, it's advertising.

It says, something special's happening inside.

Well, something special's happening outside too.

I think I just stepped in it.

Hey, el pollo loco.

We quit.

Well, fine, then turn in your sombrero.

No, I'm keeping the sombrero.

I kinda like it.

How is Fiesta Day going?

Well, I have no customers, no employees and no friends.

All I have is this--

oh no, there goes the burro.

This is a disaster. You're the assistant manager.

What are you gonna do about this?

There's only one thing to do.

I'm fired.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go get the burro back before the petting zoo misses him.

Pepe, Pepe?

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

In case you've forgotten,

today is the day you take your midterm.

I can promise you one thing,

this is one test you'll never forget.

What?

So you mean all that we've been through, we're not going to have a test now?

Well, in a way, you've already had it.

You see, this past week I strategically placed

copies of this test all over the campus

so that each of you would have an opportunity to see it.

The real test was whether or not you chose to cheat.

So what you're trying to say is you set us up?

Yes.

Perhaps now, you can do what you should have done

when I first came into this class,

have a real discussion of ethics.

Mr. Slater, let us begin with you.

How would you grade yourself

on the little test I just gave you?

The truth?

If you don't mind.

Well, I only looked at enough answers to pass

so I can stay on the wrestling team.

So I'd give myself a C.

You sure you're not just rationalizing, Mr. Slater.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't deserve a C. How about a C-?

What about you, young lady?

Well, I didn't cheat, sir.

I was perfectly honest.

I deserve an A.

Really?

All right, all right. I cheated.

I cheated and I lied.

I cheated and I lied and I left the cap off the toothpaste!

I'm a horrible person.

Somebody else, please? Anybody else?

Well, I always thought it was easy to be ethical,

but when the pressure was on,

I jumped in the garbage with everyone else.

I'd give myself an F.

Well, maybe you looked inside yourself and you found something.

That's good.

That's ethics.

Thank you, sir.

And what about you, Mr. Morris?

You always seem to be willing to cut a few ethical corners.

Did you cheat?

I wanted to.

I mean, I really, really wanted to,

but for some strange reason, I didn't.

It's got me a little worried.

Well, don't worry.

It's called character.

Anyway, speaking of character, what about you?

I mean, you tricked us. You lied to us?

Wasn't your behavior unethical?

Perhaps.

On the one hand, I was deceitful and manipulative.

On the other hand, I made you think.

But you do raise an interesting point.

For that, maybe you deserve an A.

Thank you, sir.

And you know something --

this is a really great class.

But remember,

just because you deserve an A

doesn't mean you're going to get one.

What? But th-- that's not fair.

That's not-- ethical.

Isn't it?

Let's discuss that.

This guys some piece of work.

What about you?

I mean, you, you, uh-- shoot.

Uh, wh-- wait--

[laughter]

What about you? I mean, you tricked us.

You lied to us.

Wasn't your behavior unethical?

Perhaps.

On the one hand, I was the--

on the other hand-- [laughs]

[theme music]