Original subtitles

♪♪

Sorry if I seem a little bummed.

The weirdest thing happened.

You see, Kelly and Dr. Lasky--

oh no, why am I telling you?

Here, check it out.

I was kind of hoping you'd want to--

well, as, as corny as this may sound, go steady.

I met somebody.

I'm sorry.

This one will look much better on you.

Yeah, brings out your eyes.

You've got great eyes.

They're so, uh,

blue.

Kelly's seeing another guy.

Can you believe it?

Who on this campus is cooler than I am?

You're very loving and sensitive --

everything a man could want in a woman.

I hate that part.

Kelly -- my Kelly --

with Professor Lasky?

Not while I'm still breathing.

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow, ♪

♪ and it's all up to me how far I go ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ I've never seen such a view before, ♪

♪ a new world before my eyes ♪

♪ So much for me to explore ♪

♪ It's where my future lies ♪

♪ Today, I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ From here, the future looks bright for me ♪

♪ And it's all up to me how far I go ♪

♪ It's my time to break away ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow today ♪

Hey, Zack.

What?

Don't give me that "what."

I saw you kissing Professor Lasky.

You were spying on us?

No! That wasn't spying on you.

I was just peeking in the bedroom without you seeing me.

Real mature, Zack, as always.

Well, since you're so interested in my life,

I happen to be falling in love with him

and I think Jeremiah feels the same way about me.

Oh, it's Jeremiah, is it?

Well, soon it'll be Jerry, then it'll be Jer.

Oh, hold me, Jer.

Oh, I love you, Jer.

Nice hair, Jer.

Are you through?

No, Kelly, I'm not.

What about you and me?

Zack, look --

I'll always love you as a friend, but this is different.

I mean, this is a mature man,

a man I can see spending the rest of my life with.

Oh, Kelly, the man is 32.

He's ancient.

I mean, what are you guys gonna do,

sit around and watch "Matlock" together?

He does not watch television.

Jerry's an intellectual.

Oh, you see -- "Jerry." I knew it!

Well, for your information,

Jerry is your professor and you are still his student.

I know.

Look, it's a very delicate situation.

That's why we have to keep this a secret.

You have to promise not to tell anybody,

even our roommates.

Zack, please, as my friend?

All right. All right, I promise.

But it's only for you. It's not for Jerry.

All right, everyone.

It's time for our sorority's annual charity masquerade ball.

Who wants to buy a ticket?

OK, bottom line -- either you pay up

or I'll steal the most embarrassing piece of underwear that you have

and display it to the entire school.

- Here's $20. - Yeah, here.

- Here. - Give me one of those.

Masquerade ball. I hate costume parties.

I remember that one time I ended up dancing with Screech.

Oh, it'll be fun.

We'll dress up and we'll go as a couple.

Mm, great.

Who are you going with, Kelly?

Well, I was thinking about asking this person, uh--

I don't want to talk about it.

Bye.

Zack, do you know who this mystery guy is?

Yeah, it's--

Joey Buttafuoco.

Hey guys.

I'm, uh, doing some research for my psychology class.

Could you guys fill in this questionnaire for me?

It's a perfect mate profile.

Hey, I took one of those tests once.

It said my perfect mate was Whoopi Goldberg.

Well, hang in there.

I hear she's available now.

So anyway, just fill in the questions and I'll score them for you later, OK?

- OK. - Thanks.

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.

"What is your idea of a perfect evening?"

Easy -- B, "A romantic, moonlit walk on the beach."

D, "Going to a rock concert and sitting two rows from the speakers."

That's your idea of a perfect evening?

That's what I chose.

Really?

Hey, I have a wild side to me.

I'm perfectly capable of getting down with my bad self.

I chose a walk on the beach too.

You know, there's nothing more romantic

than cuddling up with seaweed.

"What is the first thing you look for in the opposite sex?"

C, "How they look in a swimsuit."

Oh, please.

I put that too.

Oh?

Well, I chose "Sensitivity and a sense of humor."

Me too.

How about that?

I guess we have something in common.

Is your favorite Stooge Moe?

[knock on door]

Hi. Can I come in?

Why not?

You're my student, I'm your teacher, this is my office.

No reason in the world that we should feel uncomfortable.

Actually, I'm glad you came by, because we need to talk.

This is not gonna work.

I'm 32, you're 19.

Well, of course it can work out.

My father's 11 years older than my mother and they're very happy.

Uh, that's nice, Kelly, but I'm your teacher, you're my student.

That's crossing the line.

I know it is.

I've thought this through and the last thing I want to do is hurt your career.

That's why I dropped your class today.

You what?

I'm not your student anymore.

So, is there anything else keeping us apart?

Uh. Uh, give me a minute, will you?

Look, we'll just be real discreet about this.

It's nobody's business.

It's between you, me, and my sorority sisters.

I'm kidding.

[mug breaking]

So, does anyone know why Kelly dropped the class?

I don't know. She's been acting really strange lately.

Yeah, she's been singing in her sleep.

I sing in my sleep.

"Here Comes the Bride?"

Once.

- What's up, guys? - Hey, what's up?

Hey, did you hear?

Kelly dropped anthropology class.

- She what? - Yeah.

This has gone too far.

Hey, Lasky, you and I have to talk.

Sure. Is it about your term paper?

Yeah. You know, I thought I might do it on mating rituals

of students and teachers, since you seem to be an expert in this field.

Maybe we should have this discussion--

- No, we'll discuss it right now. - Zack, this is not the time.

Then when exactly is a good time to talk about your affair with Kelly?

Kelly and Professor Lasky?

This is so exciting.

Ah, she's dating a mature man.

I'm so jealous.

Hey!

Name one thing Lasky's got that I don't.

A Ph.D., two published books, an appearance on "Good Morning America--"

Hey, I tried out for "Jeopardy."

A passport that has been stamped all over the world.

OK, OK, I get it.

But he still doesn't have pecs.

Yeah, big attraction.

He's a skinny, pale-faced guy who's always got his head in a book.

Oh! Oh.

Kelly, what's it like going out with an older man?

Well, it's great.

I mean, he's kind and sensitive

and he really understands women.

Like I don't.

Women -- shopping, hair, diets.

What's the mystery?

I've got to run.

Jeremiah's taking me to a photojournalism exhibit in Berkeley.

Wow.

[knock on door]

- Hey guys. - Hey, Mike.

I've got the results of the perfect mate profile.

Ooh!

Now, 100 points is most compatible.

Oh no.

- Slater? - Hm?

We only scored a 22.

That's awful, by the way.

We're drifting apart! I knew it!

We're not drifting. Nobody's drifting.

Well, I wouldn't exactly go buy His and Her towels.

Well, interestingly enough, Slater and Leslie scored a 78.

That is interesting.

- Hey. - Oh, fascinating.

But, the highest compatibility score was an 89 --

Screech and Alex.

Whoa.

Alex, did you hear that?

We're soul mates.

[Alex sobs]

Oh, Alex, come on.

Why are you crying?

It's just a silly test, don't cry.

Hey, Slater, let her cry.

I like sensitive women.

(IN UNISON) Shut up, Screech.

Boy, you two are in sync.

They're in sync, Screech and I are soul mates --

life is just one big bowl of cherries!

It's OK, everybody.

I'm trained in crisis intervention.

I know exactly what to do.

See ya.

Alex, come on. This test doesn't mean a thing.

It doesn't--

That was real fun racing you across the Golden Gate Bridge.

And I would have beaten you if you hadn't taken the carpool lane.

Eh, don't bother me with technicalities.

You are the one who has to go to traffic school.

Do you get the feeling that people are staring at us?

No one's looking at us, silly.

Would you look at that?

Why doesn't she just sit on his lap?

So, do you want a taco or do you want your usual grilled cheese?

Did you hear that?

He said, "Come to Tahoe with me, please."

Boy, you have good ears, Zack.

No, I hate their tacos.

I'm just gonna get a hot dog.

Oh, oh. She said, "I can't wait till Tahoe,

so we can go into a hot tub."

You know, it's taking all my self control right now

not to kiss you on the lips.

- What'd she say? - Oh, nothing.

They're just arguing about whether to leave a tip.

Uh, Kelly, uh, let's get out of here and go some place off campus.

Sure.

Jeremiah, before we go, can I ask you something?

Boy, what I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall in there.

What are you gonna do, crawl in there and hide under the pool table?

No.

I've got to maintain a shred of dignity.

You do it.

A sorority dance?

Ah, Kelly, I don't know.

Well, why not?

I mean, everybody knows about us anyway.

I mean, this is our chance to show them that we're a couple.

You don't care what people think, do you?

No. No, no, no, of course not.

It's just that I don't think I'd feel comfortable in the situation.

OK. No big deal.

I hope you understand.

I don't want to hurt you.

(SINGING) ♪ La la la, dun, dun, dun, dun ♪

♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun ♪

So, I guess you're feeling better, huh?

Of course I am.

Tinkerbell doesn't hold a grudge.

Here, have some fairy dust.

Thanks.

And you're gonna look adorable as Peter Pan.

Peter Pan?

Wait a sec, I'm not going as Peter Pan.

I'm coming as Tarzan.

I know this is a little crazy,

but I'm gonna go as Jane of the Jungle.

Whoa, what a mind-blower.

Me Tarzan, you Jane.

Me nauseous.

- You're going as Tarzan? - Yeah.

We're gonna match.

Oh! Well, why don't you two just go together?

Sure, no, don't worry about me.

I'll just get an ape suit and go as Cheetah.

Come on, Alex. Leslie and I didn't plan this.

This is just a coincidence.

Oh yeah? Then why won't you go as Peter Pan?

Because no self-respecting guy would ever

go to a costume party as Peter Pan.

Tinkerbell?

This is scary.

Hey, is that fairy dust?

Get away from me.

What are you doing here?

Uh, Kelly left her sweater in my van and I'm returning it.

What are you trying to prove, Professor Lasky?

I mean, is this some sort of midlife crisis thing?

Zack, whatever this thing is, it really is my business.

You just don't see very comfortable about it.

Slinking around school together, huddling in corners--

Could you lower your voice please?

I am not slinking or huddling.

I-- I'm perfectly fine with this relationship.

Really?

Why won't you go to the sorority ball with Kelly?

Jeremiah. What a nice surprise.

Hi, I came to return your sweater.

And to let you know I changed my mind.

I'd be happy to go to the sorority ball with you.

Oh, that's great.

Me and my big mouth.

This is gonna be so much fun.

Hey, Slater, when do we meet the girls again?

7:00.

Uh, Screech, buddy, need a little favor.

I want you to switch costumes with me.

But I want to be Peter Pan.

And you can be, every day of your life.

But just let me be Peter Pan for tonight.

Tinkerbell's about ready to punch my lights out.

All right, I'll be Tarzan.

All right, thanks.

Wow, this is a big loincloth.

Can I borrow one of your loins?

Hey, guys.

Guess what?

Figured out a way to get Kelly back.

Kelly?

You mean the same Kelly that told you to get out of her life forever?

Well, yeah, but there's a lot of ways you can take that.

Come on, man. She won't even go near you.

I know, but she will go near Lasky, right?

Right.

So, I spoke to the guy at the costume shop

and he told me what Lasky's wearing,

and I'm gonna wear the same costume he is.

Always thinking, Zack.

Oh, the name's not Zack --

it's Zorro.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

It's so nice to have our relationship out in the open.

Yes, it is.

Hey, guys. Professor Lasky, nice costume.

Just call me Zorro, will ya?

Man, I really hate this costume.

What are you complaining about?

This loincloth's riding up on me like an express elevator.

At least I know Alex will appreciate this.

Slater! What have you done?

I switched costumes to make you happy.

Happy? Do I look happy?

Well, you should be.

I'm the one that got stuck wearing this.

I got fairy dust in my bra.

I hope you're satisfied, Alex.

[Tarzan yell]

Come, Jane.

Tarzan hungry for love.

Sorry, Jane on idiot-free diet.

Oh, hello again, Professor Lasky.

Screech, it's me.

Whoa!

Zack, you shouldn't scare a Tarzan like that.

Now Tarzan have to go in bathroom.

Uh, Screech?

First, will you do me a favor?

See Professor Lasky over there standing by the bar?

Distract him for awhile.

I don't know if I can distract him, but I sure can annoy him.

Good man.

Professor Lasky, what do you think of my costume?

It's nice, Mr. Powers.

You'll never guess where I keep my wallet.

Where have you been, Jeremiah?

That was incredible, Jeremiah.

- I know. - Zack?

You were kissing back big time, Kelly.

Only because I thought you were him.

Oh, come on. Admit it, you know there's something between us.

Yeah, and it better be distance.

There you are.

What is it?

Where do I start?

Don't think I'm gonna like this.

Kelly, you're a terrific girl.

But?

But--

but this is not gonna work out.

I, I thought could handle it, but I can't.

But you haven't even given us a chance.

Eh, sometimes you just know.

And right now, the only thing I know is that

I'm at a sorority ball dressed as Zorro,

praying that nobody recognizes me.

So you're embarrassed by me.

No.

No, I'm embarrassed by me.

But I love you.

I'm flattered.

Really, I am.

But I'd be lying if I said it back.

When I saw you kiss Zack, I didn't feel anything.

I wasn't jealous.

You weren't?

No.

Do you have any idea how much this hurts?

Yes.

And that's what I'm telling you now instead of six months from now.

Kelly, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

This is my first adult relationship.

I'm just glad you respected me enough to treat me as a grown woman.

And I, in turn,

am capable of handling this in adult

and mature fashion.

Maybe not.

This was a bad night to be wearing a sword.

SCREECH (OFFSCREEN): I just feel whimsical.

You guys haven't danced together three times?

Alex, believe me, I have no interest in your boyfriend.

None?

Oh, so you're disappointed?

Look, would you two stop it?

Look at what you've gone through for each other tonight.

That says a lot more than some stupid personality test.

He's right.

[knock on door]

Come in.

You all right?

Been better.

Um, look, Kelly, I'm sorry if I've been acting like a jerk.

Something inside of me went off.

I guess I just can't stand seeing you with another guy.

Well, I wasn't exactly Miss Sensitive myself.

I was kind of in your face about the whole thing.

Oh, it's no big deal.

I'm just sorry you got hurt.

Once again, Zack, you were right.

This isn't about being right, Kelly.

This is about something I've been feeling

ever since you walked back into my life.

I love you.

Zack, please.

I can't handle this.

I'm feeling--

I don't know what I'm feeling.

I-I'm just numb.

And, and I don't want to get involved right now with--

with you or, or any other guy.

Please understand.

Can we just be good friends?

Yeah, sure.

Good friends.

Thanks.

Good friends.

Well, maybe for a while.

But soon--

(SPANISH ACCENT) I shall win her heart, amigos.

Zack, away!

Maybe for a while.

But soon--

(SPANISH ACCENT) I shall win her heart, amigos.

Oh, yeah. Zack, away!

Maybe for a while.

[theme music]