Original subtitles

Hey, take care of it.

Please.

There goes your tip.

Whoa, check her out.

What line do you think I should use?

How about your old standby,

"Excuse me, I seem to have lost the keys to my Ferrari?"

Nah.

- Nah, that's too subtle. - Mm.

I've got it.

"Has anyone ever told you you have the most beautiful eyes?"

Why, thank you, Zack.

And let me say, your eyes are pretty attractive, too.

Hey, she's got a tennis racket.

Why don't you ask her to play tennis?

Tennis, perfect.

Gee, you think I should've told him that's Linda Addington,

the eighth-ranked tennis player in the country?

Really?

He's gonna get slaughtered.

I know.

Excuse me. You mind if I cut in?

I've got a tennis court reserved and my partner just canceled.

- Sure. - Oh, thank you.

Boy, I gotta find a new partner.

Oh look, you play tennis.

I don't suppose you want to play?

I don't think that's such a great idea.

Hey, it's just for fun.

Promise to go easy on you.

Sure, I'll hit with you.

- But I have to warn you-- - Oh, no, no.

Please, please, don't apologize.

We all have to start from somewhere.

We just won't keep score.

That's probably a good idea.

Boy, is she gonna be impressed.

Hey.

So, how was tennis, champ?

Oh, she hits it hard, man.

Really hard.

Still have ball fuzz in my teeth, look.

- Sorry about that. - Well, I'm not.

Linda is beautiful, rich, and famous.

I usually settle for one out of three.

Well, well, well. Here we go again.

Oh, Zack Morris, the Baskin-Robbins of dating.

So, who's the new flavor of the week?

Listen, Heckle and Jeckle,

Linda is not some flavor of the week.

She's more like a classic French vanilla.

I was thinking maybe pralines and cream.

Yeah, with rainbow sprinkles.

Mm, I love rainbow sprinkles.

Yeah.

Here we are on this campus,

surrounded by thousands of sophisticated men.

And we hang around with these juveniles.

- Hey, I resent that. - Yeah.

Hey guys, come quick.

We're gonna have a water fight against the first floor.

Cool!

Hey, I've got water bombs stashed in the stairwell.

- Come on. - Let's go.

Well, Leslie, if we want to meet mature guys,

we're just gonna have to take the initiative.

Let's throw a party.

A, a sophisticated affair with lots of fine food,

sparkling conversation, witty, urbane men.

In togas.

OK, sophisticated togas, all right?

Alex, I already saw your play three times.

But it gives me confidence to know that you're in the audience.

But Alex, I already know all your lines by heart.

And Pinocchio's.

Besides, I've asked you to come see me wrestle.

And you never come.

I suppose you're right.

If you come to my play again,

I'll go to your next wrestling match.

- Deal. - Fine.

So what's your character's name?

Name?

Yeah, like, the Masked Avenger.

I don't have a name.

Well, do you at least have a cape?

Alex, that's professional wrestling.

This is a real sport.

There are no names, no costumes, no script.

Oh, so it's kind of like an improv.

How long you been playing tennis?

Gosh, I can't remember not playing tennis.

My dad wanted me to go back on tour this year,

but I wanted to come to college.

Yeah, but Linda, as a pro, you'd get to travel all over the world.

You'd get to play at Wimbledon, meet the queen.

I already met the queen.

She bummed some gum off me.

Wow.

You chewed gum with the queen.

What a life you've led.

Yeah, but I just want to be a regular student for a while.

Oh, in that case, how about a movie tonight?

I have to study. I am barely making it in astronomy.

Your problems are over. Screech.

Hmm?

Buddy, can you tutor Linda in astronomy?

Oh, I don't know, Zack. It's awfully short notice.

I have a very busy schedule.

- When did you have in mind? - How about now?

OK.

Wrestling is so barbaric.

Aw, Alex, it's beautiful.

The compressed energy of every muscle,

the fluid efficiency of every movement.

It's like ballet.

Yeah, Alex, think of it as, uh, "Swan Lake."

Oh, look, that swan just went into shock.

Slater, I don't want you to get hurt.

Here--

for good luck.

Alex!

There's no kissing in wrestling.

Oh, man.

Slater, that's the best I've ever seen you wrestle.

What'd you do different this time?

I didn't do anything different.

Except I got kissed.

Man, the sport sure has changed since my day.

I was kissed by Alex.

Well, make sure she does it before every match from now on.

- Why? - Luck, man, luck.

Look, superstition's a big part of sports.

When I was with the 49ers, we won 11 straight

because I had a dead salamander in my sock.

Why'd you do that?

Because when I had the frog in my sock, we never won.

Duh.

OK, the difference between stars and constellations is?

Well, stars can be weighed and measured.

Constellations are just a map of the sky.

- Right. - Really?

Yeah. Why are you so surprised?

You're very bright, Linda.

You think so?

Gosh, to most people I'm just this tennis player.

Well, being a tennis star sounds pretty good to me.

Yeah, but you know how sometimes when you're really good at something,

it sort of makes you feel like an outsider?

Boy, do I.

Well, with me, it's always because I've been this tennis freak.

Really?

With me, it's because I've always been--

me.

Screech, you have such a great sense of humor.

And you make astronomy fun.

Well, astronomy is really exciting and beautiful.

Look in here and tell me what you see.

A girl in the next dorm doing aerobics.

Sorry, Slater's been fooling with this again.

Now look.

This is Alpheratz, the brightest star in the constellation Andromeda.

You see, in mythology, Andromeda was said to be so beautiful

that the gods put her in the heavens for all to see.

That is so lovely.

Yeah, it is.

So guys, how's it going?

Oh, great.

Screech is teaching me so much.

Hey, did you know that the sun was gonna burn up in 5 billion years?

Whoa. Well, in that case,

we'd better get going to the movie.

Goodnight, Screech.

I had a lot of fun.

Me too.

Hey, girls.

Listen, you seen Screech?

Isn't he tutoring Linda tonight?

Yes, but they should have been done two hours ago.

I'm supposed to go out with Linda.

Maybe they're not studying astronomy.

Hey, Screech, where have you been?

Proctor's Peak.

Make-Out Point?

Well, I've heard it's called that.

Yeah, we were down at the end of Jefferson Road.

On Lip-Lock Lane?

Well, I read that in the guidebook.

There's this really old oak tree up there.

The Old Necking Tree?

What? I'm not allowed to have a life?

I'm beginning to understand why

we were the only ones up there with a telescope.

Nice one, Screech.

Linda, let's get going.

Goodnight, Screech.

Don't forget -- tomorrow, black holes.

- Yes! - Goodnight.

Zack, do you mind if we don't go out tonight?

I've got this early tennis practice in the morning.

Sure, Linda. I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.

- OK. Goodnight. - All right.

- Goodnight. - Night.

Game, set, and match to Mr. Screech.

Listen, Screech, uh,

you know, I, I, I think you've been pushing Linda pretty hard.

I mean, she just needs to pass an astronomy test,

not become She-Ra, Mistress of the Galaxies.

Look, Zack, if this is about tonight, I'm sorry we were late.

You know how time can fly when you're talking about planetary nebulae.

I'll take your word for it.

Listen, you did a great job, Screech,

but I don't think she needs a tutor anymore.

What do you know about astronomy?

I'm the tutor.

And I'll decide when the tutee has been tuted.

Hey, Slater. How'd the match go?

- I'm still undefeated. - Oh, cool.

He can't lose. Yippee.

How can I lose when I have my own little good-luck charm with me?

- Stop. - Slater, I hate wrestling.

And I've had it with all this superstition stuff.

It's dumb.

Dumb?

Well, how about that actors' superstition where you can't say,

"Good luck," you have to say, "Break a leg?"

Talk about dumb.

Oh, yeah?

Well, the next time you wrestle, break a leg.

And when you're on stage tonight, good luck.

Oh, that is really low.

Now, this is Mercury.

Now, Kepler's laws state that planets move faster--

The closer it is to the sun.

Boy, you're not gonna need me pretty soon, I guess.

Well, I'm flunking biology.

Great, I'm a whiz in biology.

I can lead you through a frog's intestines with my eyes closed.

Hey, Linda.

Listen, are you busy tonight?

Oh, by the way, Linda, that reminds me --

there's a lecture tonight on Neptune, last of the gas giants.

I can try to get us two tickets.

And that reminds me, I've already got two.

How would you like to go?

I guess so, Zack.

See you tomorrow, Screech?

Do you realize it's almost midnight?

How long can a lecture on Neptune's gases last?

Oh, seemed like light years. I've never been so bored.

You know, you don't deserve to share interplanetary gas with Linda.

Oh no?

Well, after the lecture, Linda and I went to Proctor's Peak.

And we didn't take the telescope.

Oh yeah? Well--

well, when we were up there looking through the telescope,

we bumped heads.

And I don't think it was an accident.

You know, if this was someone other than you,

I might get the feeling you were trying to horn in on my girlfriend.

What do you mean if it was someone other than me?

Screech, relax, buddy.

I know there's nothing between you and Linda.

Well, for your information, Zack,

there is something between me and Linda.

I really like her, and I think she likes me.

Oh, get real, Screech.

You're way out of your league, buddy.

OK, I see what this is about.

You have so little respect for me

that you can't even picture one girl liking me more than you.

Well, I'm not gonna live with anyone who thinks I'm beneath him.

You can find yourself a new roommate.

As far as Linda's concerned, may the best man win.

And I'm not afraid of you, either.

Ouch. That hurt.

Oh, hi, Mike.

Good, you're awake.

Screech, it's after midnight.

I know, but I have a problem.

How many times do I have to tell you --

there are no monsters in your closet.

Now go back and--

Listen, I'm not gonna take any of your guff, either.

OK, maybe a little guff.

See, I got in a fight with Zack.

And I need to crash here tonight.

- OK. - Great, thanks.

But no snoring, no eating, no watching TV,

and no knock-knock jokes.

No problem.

I'll be asleep in just a second --

just as soon as I put on one of my environmental tapes.

Now, what do you prefer?

"Songs of the Humpback Whales" or "Chimps After Dark"?

Turn that off or you're one endangered nerd.

Got it.

Whales it is.

Mike.

Mike, Alex isn't here.

- I need your help. - I am not kissing your nose.

Alex! I thought you weren't coming.

I wasn't, until I thought about you getting your face

smashed into the floor and all your things dislocated.

Quick, kiss me.

This guy is history.

Boy, I hate wrestling.

Then why are you here?

My boyfriend. He thinks I bring him luck.

- Mine, too. - Oh yeah?

- Yeah. - Which one's your boyfriend?

He's wrestling right now, in the red. Come on, Lee!

Break the jerk's head!

Hey, wait a minute. Th-that's my jerk you're talking about.

Who cares? Lee!

Wipe the mat with him!

Oh yeah? Well, come on, Slater!

Kick his sorry butt!

Hey, sit down, missy.

Hey, don't be pushing me, bimbo.

Hey, you tore my blouse.

Oh yeah? Well, I did you a favor.

It clashes with your pants. Come on, chicken.

Pâté?

Kelly. See that guy over there?

He's going for his PhD in education.

The guy in the blue jacket --

he's gonna be a neurosurgeon.

Striped tie -- author.

Rubber boots -- janitor.

What? He's cute.

Yeah, you're right.

Pâté?

Yeah, I just fixed it.

Flushes like a dream now.

Alex, what happened?

Slater lost his wrestling match and it's all my fault.

Oh.

I thought you didn't believe in that superstition stuff.

Well, Alex was having her own match.

And when I ran up to stop it, the ref disqualified me.

I'm so sorry, Slater.

That's OK. Forget about it.

Hey, you really creamed her.

Maybe I'm your good-luck charm.

Ow.

He's so sweet.

Listen, will you show me that headlock move you used?

Sure.

You need more leverage in your forearm.

Excuse me, but, uh, aren't you Linda Addington, the tennis player?

Yes, she is.

Oh, you know, I saw you play Steffi Graf last summer.

I mean-- hey, Steve! It is Linda Addington!

So what I love about "Waiting for Godot"

is how Beckett creates a sense of--

loneliness, isolation, and utter despair.

- Pâté? - Thank you.

Screech! Get out of the bathroom!

What are you doing in there?

Bubble bath!

I don't have any bubble bath.

I know.

I used what was left of the dishwashing liquid.

How am I supposed to do the dishes?

They're done. I put them in the tub with me.

So, what do you want to do now, roomie?

We are not roomies.

And when that guy transfers out of 316, you're outta here.

Now scoot over. There's a game on.

Great, I love football.

Who are you for, the Browns or the Chiefs?

I'm for the refs.

The refs? How can you be for the refs?

They never lose.

Take that head linesman, Bill Plankman.

I hate Bill Plankman.

He threw me out of a game once in Denver.

Well, you must have deserved it. What'd you do?

I bit a guy, OK?

Did you see that?

Great call, Bill!

Did you ever see a guy throw a flag like that?

Cheering for the refs.

I can't watch this.

Our universe is made up of millions of galaxies.

That's Andromeda.

That was our constellation.

I really miss Linda, Mike.

Then why don't you ask her to go out with you?

What's the point?

I have about as much chance of taking a girl away from Zack

as I do of taking my chimp tape back from you.

You know, maybe you don't deserve Linda.

- What do you mean? - Because you're a quitter,

sitting here telling me how you feel about her.

Did you ever tell her how you feel?

Well, no.

Then you gotta tell her.

Right.

I'll tell her tomorrow!

No, right now!

And just be sure to hit through it.

There is no such thing as a mature man.

Hm. They're all so predictable.

Well, most of them, anyway.

Linda! Linda!

This last week has been the best of my life.

I love you and I don't care who knows it.

Screech, that's very sweet of you,

but I don't think this is the time or place.

Why not?

Well, you're in your jammies.

Oh.

Pâté, anyone?

Linda, can we talk?

Linda, I--

I just realized something in there.

What, Zack?

Oh, about Screech.

I mean, he really cares about you.

I mean, I like you, too, but I have to admit,

part of what I like is that you're famous.

But with Screech, it doesn't matter.

I mean, he loves you for all the right reasons.

If I were you, I'd pick Screech over me.

I already have.

Now, it may be painful at first, but you'll get--

- you what? - You're a lot of fun, Zack.

But I feel different around Screech.

He makes me feel smart, and he makes me laugh.

I just wish I knew where he was.

Try 220.

Thanks.

Excuse me. You want to go to a party?

- Yeah? - Is Screech here?

Yeah, I'll get him.

Linda -- what are you doing here?

Can we talk?

Sure, once I get some feeling back in my lips.

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

- What's up, Screech? - Hey, Screech.

You're not gonna push me again, are you?

No, I'm cool now, man.

Sorry if I hurt you, OK?

Hey, Zack, you all right?

I'm fine.

Oh. Um, you know,

because I thought after Linda dumped you for me

you'd be pretty devastated.

Yeah, but I'll live.

I guess you guys wouldn't want me back now, huh?

I mean, it would be a constant reminder of your inadequacy.

I could use a reminder sometimes, Screech.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Why don't you come on back.

- All right. - Yeah, that's my man.

OK. Hey, would you guys mind helping me with my stuff?

- Ah, let's go. - Let's go.

That won't be necessary.

Go away!

Mike! Mike!

I forgot something.

My alarm clock.

I gotta get a dog.

What is this, improv?