Original subtitles

♪♪

OK, Tony, $16.

Whoa, you're light, Zack.

You owe me $20.

Don't feel bad, everybody loses to Mr. Poker.

Hey! Would this make us even?

Deal.

Hey! That's my wiener.

I'm telling you, my luck's gonna change,

because this Friday night, we're playing poker in our room.

Just make sure you got enough eats for me.

Sara Lee doesn't have enough eats for you.

Hey, Slater.

Poker, Friday night.

Aw. Man, I can't.

I promised Alex I'd take her to some French film.

Oh man. What, are you married now?

Yeah, Slater.

Are you familiar with the term whipped?

Yes.

Are you familiar with the terms slapped, punched, kicked?

All too familiar.

You know-- hey, you guys are right.

- I can go out with Alex any time. - ZACK (OFFSCREEN): That's right.

I'm playing poker.

ZACK (OFFSCREEN): All right! That's my man.

Poker game? In my dorm?

I don't think so.

Aw, come on, Mike.

All the other dorms get to play poker.

Actually, guys, dorm four has keno, roulette, and a $4.99 prime rib dinner.

When kids play poker, kids lose.

And then they come crying to me for money.

Now, do I look like an ATM machine?

No, sir.

To me, you look more like a giant Pillsbury doughboy.

Something from the oven.

Hee-hee!

Just remember, no poker.

And clean up this pig sty.

Man.

I don't care what he says.

We're playing poker.

I ain't afraid of that guy. Heh.

- Zack! - W-what?

Remember what I said -- no poker.

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow, ♪

♪ and it's all up to me how far I go ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ I've never seen such a view before, ♪

♪ a new world before my eyes ♪

♪ So much for me to explore ♪

♪ It's where my future lies ♪

♪ Today, I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ From here, the future looks bright for me ♪

♪ And it's all up to me how far I go ♪

♪ It's my time to break away ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow today ♪

So then Rogers came in and told me

I had too many stuffed animals on my bed.

He punched my bunny.

Maybe he's having a midlife crisis.

Maybe he's having trouble in school.

Maybe he has a thorn in his paw.

Judith! Hi.

- Hi. - You look real nice today.

Have you been working out?

I'm not really the athletic type, Michael.

I prefer long, contemplative walks in the woods.

I bet you work up a pretty good sweat doing that.

I suppose I perspire a little.

Well, make sure you spray something on your feet

so you don't get that cruddy foot fungus thing.

I thank you. And my feet thank you.

(SOFTLY) Oh, golly.

Hey guys, Rogers has the hots for that lady over there.

But he can't bring himself to ask her out--

which is all pathetic.

That's Judith Trudell, my literature teacher.

She's hardly Mike's type.

Hey, come on now. Opposites attract all the time.

You know, if Mike gets a love life, he'll be off our backs.

- SLATER (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, yeah. - Well, can you do it quick?

Yesterday, he yelled at me for meditating too loud.

And I mean, I ask you, does this bother anybody?

- Om. - Alex!

Stop it!

You're driving me crazy!

Hey guys, if we can get Rogers a date for Friday, we can play poker.

Yeah, let's go.

Hi, Mike.

Wasn't that Judith Trudell, the lit professor?

Yeah, why?

Well, Leslie has her class.

And she overheard that Professor Trudell thinks that you're cute.

I am? She did?

I mean, what else she say?

Uh--

Oh, she said that you were the perfect combination

of brains and brawn.

Uh-huh.

Well, you know, I did have the fifth highest IQ on the 49ers.

I don't doubt it.

So why don't you ask her out for Friday?

Good idea.

Friday's fish fry night down at HoJos.

- Works for me. - All right.

Yeah!

[knock on door]

Guys, guys--

why are you cleaning on a beautiful day like this?

The sun is shining.

Fall is in the air.

And I've got a date with Judith Trudell.

Hey! Way to go, Mike!

- All right, Mike! - Yeah! Well, all right.

Hey, I gotta run, though, man.

I've got an appointment to get a haircut and a facial.

(SINGING) ♪ Love, soft as an easy chair ♪

♪ Love, fresh as the morning air. ♪

♪ One love is shared by two. ♪

♪ I have found-- ♪

Poker!

Yeah.

Now all we have to do is tell our main squeezes that we're flying solo tonight.

Flying solo?

Oh, um--

Alex,

I've decided that I'm playing poker here with the guys tonight.

There, I've said it.

Well, great! I love poker.

Deal me in.

- Me too. - Sorry, girls.

It's a men-only game.

Yeah, that's right, girls.

Poker is real men sitting around,

scratching and burping.

Men only?

This is so sexist.

Come on, Alex.

Let's go do something only women can do.

Yeah, we'll go give birth.

Well, see you guys later.

I'm off to karate class.

Wah!

Any openings in that class, Kelly?

Yeah, I suddenly feel like I want to kick something.

You see?

Now, this is exactly why women shouldn't play poker.

They're too emotional.

Emotional? We are not emotional!

Let's face it, men are just shallow, insensitive,

pig-headed, gorgeous creatures.

Good evening, ladies.

I'm John Hammer.

And welcome to women's karate.

Did you hear how he said welcome?

He is so sensitive.

I bet he'd let us play poker.

Talk about your seven card stud.

OK, let's get started with some basic moves.

- I need a volunteer. - Oh, me!

Me! Me! Me!

Uh, let's start with you.

[Alex cackles triumphantly]

What's your name?

I'm Alex. I'm a freshman.

I'm single. And I'm ready to be flipped.

I call, Zack.

Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Three bullets.

Oh, can't beat a straight, Tony!

Got you again!

- Ha, ha, ha! - Uh, uh, uh.

Not so fast.

It ain't over till the skinny guy sings.

I got a three, a five, a seven, a nine,

and a big fat two.

What does that mean?

It means you're an idiot and you owe us another $7.

I'm telling you, tonight is my night.

Hose me down, gentlemen, I am on fire.

And you ain't smiling now, are you Mr. Poker?

- SLATER (OFFSCREEN): There you go. - So you won a couple of hands.

Big deal, Zack. You're gonna choke.

So are you, if you don't start chewing those Cheetos.

All right, fellas, and there we go.

OK, let's see what we got here.

I'll play these.

Eh, eh?

I got four kings.

I'm going to make my tuition tonight.

That's what you think.

- I'm all in. - Ho, ho, ho.

You're going down!

Going down.

I said no poker.

Oh, wait, Mike, I got four kings.

You heard the man-- no poker.

SLATER (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

I can't believe you guys.

I go on a date, I come back, and you're playing poker.

I can't even turn my back for 37 minutes.

You raise a good point.

Now if I may ask, what kind of date lasts 37 minutes?

Hey, you broke my record.

That's not the point.

The point is you broke my rules.

Mike, seriously, is this about broken rules or about

a broken heart?

It was a disaster!

It's OK. It's OK, Mike.

It's OK.

Here-- here I am on a date with a beautiful woman.

And I can't think of anything to say to her.

So when do you think it went wrong?

Everything was going to fine until she opened the door

and I said, hello, Judith.

Oh, oh. Wow.

How'd you get her to open the door?

Why can't I talk to Judith the way I talk to other women?

Every woman is different.

Take Alex, for example.

Now she needs to be handled very delicately.

That was great.

Was it good for you?

Fine.

All right, who's next?

- I am! - Wait a minute!

You got smashed up against the wall last time.

I haven't even been kicked yet.

All right, Kelly.

Let's go over some of the basics of self defense.

If I come at you, what are you gonna do?

Fix my hair and pop a breath mint.

The key to self-defense is to neutralize your opponent.

Let me show you.

Put you hand on my shoulder.

Sure.

Look at that. Could she be any more obvious?

You know, can we do that again?

I'm a really slow learner.

See if you can learn this.

Get to the end of the line. It's my turn.

- No, it's mine. - Oh yeah?

If you want to get to him, you're gonna have to come through me.

- Oh yeah? - Huah!

Six months.

That was my longest relationship ever.

And five of those months, she was in Desert Storm.

Hey, come on, Mike. We've all had our problems with women.

Yeah, we all know the drill.

First, they tell you, buzz off, creep.

Then they change their telephone number.

Then they slap you with a temporary restraining order.

Oh yeah, guys.

Like I'm the only one this has happened to.

You know, Mike.

Whenever I've been rejected by a woman--

wait a minute, I've never been rejected by a woman.

Forget it.

Yeah, it's OK.

I just appreciate you guys being there for me.

Hey, no problem.

And now that everything's cool, it's OK if we play poker, right?

Oh, not a chance.

But tomorrow night, how about a rousing game of Monopoly?

You're on, big guy.

I got dibs on the thimble.

It's been three days and it feels like Rogers

has become our fourth roommate.

We need to get his mind off this Judith chick.

Hey, why not fix him up with Sally?

SLATER (OFFSCREEN): Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea.

ZACK (OFFSCREEN): Mm-hmm.

She's a football fan, she's good with her hands,

and she's always got change for a dollar.

Hey, my main man.

What do you say we get crazy tonight and play some Scrabble?

Mike!

Mike, I'd like you meet Sally Kubiak.

Sally, Mike Rogers of the 49ers.

Hey, I'd know him anywhere.

Mike, show her your Super Bowl ring.

Oh, I'd love to see your Super Bowl ring.

It's, uh, in my room.

Oh, I've love to see your room.

I don't think that would be appropriate.

See, I'm kind of going out with somebody right now.

Well, if you change your mind,

my number's on the back of every vending machine.

Call me.

[Zack sputters]

Who are you going out with?

Judith.

Going out?

Mike, going out usually involves going out.

You spend seven nights a week in our room.

Not true.

Last Thursday, we all went out and saw "The Joy Luck Club."

Hey guys, guys, I did it.

I found Rogers a date.

You found Rogers a date?

That's right.

While you guys were barking up the bimbo tree,

I found a lovely woman who's crazy about him.

Oh, Clara!

How do I look, boys?

- Uh. - Uh.

Fine, Clara, just fine.

But could you possibly lose the hairnet?

I can't. It's a state law.

Hi, Mike.

Oh. Hi, Clara.

You know, 2,000 men come in here every day,

but you're the only one who can make my knees buckle

and the hair on my back stand up.

Excuse me?

Oh, don't play coy, Mike.

You think it's a coincidence I've been giving you extra potatoes all semester?

I've never asked for those potatoes.

Did you ever date a food service worker, big guy?

Clara,

I, I think of us as friends

and that's it.

Fine, be that way.

But you can kiss your potatoes goodbye.

Freeze!

No more matchmaking, you understand?

I'm a desirable man.

I've got a lot to offer.

My social life is just fine.

See you guys at 7:00 for Pictionary.

OK, here's the deal -- we're helping you out with Rogers,

you let us play poker whenever we want.

All right, but you gotta promise not to act like girls.

Fine.

So when you talk to Judith, remember,

talk about her interests.

Right.

Remember, she did her thesis on Emily Dickinson.

I don't know anything about Emily Dickinson.

Emily Dickinson -- woman, poet, dead.

Go.

I can't go through with-- hello, Judith.

Hi, Mike Rogers.

Yeah, I just heard that Emily Dickinson died.

Oh, 100 years ago.

No, that's not why I called.

(WHISPERING) Tell her you were reading Emily Dickinson

and you thought of her.

I, I was reading Emily Dickinson and I thought of you.

(WHISPERING) Her sense of nuance is unparalleled.

Uh, you know, Emily's got that nuanced thing nailed.

She says I'm perceptive.

(WHISPERING) Ask her out for Friday.

So, Judith, do you think you might want to go out again on Friday?

You know, talk nuance, have a couple beers.

(WHISPERING) You'll make dinner.

- You'll make dinner. - (WHISPERING) No, I'll make--

I'll make dinner.

You will? Oh, great.

OK, I'll see you at 6:30 at my place.

All right, bye.

Yes! - Yay!

Yay, Mikey! You did it.

But 6:30?

Why so early?

Well, if things don't work out,

I'll still have time to come and play Yahtzee with you guys.

It has to work out.

You know, another interesting thing about Emily Dickinson

is that her grandfather founded Amherst College.

Yes, I recall you shouted that to me while I was in the bathroom.

Did you get a chance to browse through her biography

when you were in there?

Not all of it.

Boy, do I love Emily.

I've read 32 of her poems.

Really?

What's your favorite?

Number 17.

"A bird came down the walk--

he did not know I saw--"

You know, Michael, just because I teach poetry

doesn't mean we have to talk only about that.

- I guess not. - No.

So do you think the new health care package can get through Congress?

Darn, current events.

I sure hope so.

I mean, health care is a very important issue.

Yeah.

In fact, I've had 11 major operations myself.

Hey, look at this thumb. There's no joint left at all.

Well, if it isn't the Teenage Mutant Ninja Tramp.

You couldn't wait for us, could you?

I just thought I'd come early and warm up.

Well, you're gonna have a hard time warming up in that.

What? It--

it shrunk.

Look, I don't know what you guys are suggesting,

but I happen to be here for the pure sport of it.

LESLIE (OFFSCREEN): (SCORNFULLY) Oh.

Oh no! Johnny, what happened?

Ah, a little mishap at the match last night.

But don't worry girls, I have found you a terrific substitute.

This is Helga, and she's every bit as good as I am.

Welcome.

I need a volunteer.

Kelly's always willing.

Great sport, huh, Kel?

Now I show you how to snap an arm like a twig.

[Kelly whimpers]

- Good salad. - Oh, thanks.

I washed the lettuce three times.

Oh, and did you know that Emily Dickinson

had a very nice vegetable garden?

Would you just drop Emily Dickinson?

Goodness. Did I just raise my voice?

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

- It's all my fault. - No.

I've got to admit, I-I'm a little intimidated by you.

Well, don't be.

I can't help it.

You're so unlike all the other women I've dated.

You don't pop your gum, you don't teach aerobics,

you haven't had anything surgically enhanced--

have you?

No.

But since we're being honest,

I have to admit that I'm a little intimidated by you.

Get out of here.

No, really.

I've lived this cloistered life in academia

and I'm used to a certain kind of man.

And frankly, you're my first hunk.

I am?

Bread?

Thank you.

I want to have three children.

No, no, no.

Two girls and two boys, that's the ideal family.

[Zack sighs]

Can we play cards?

- Can you believe this, Slater? - No.

Four kids in this day and age?

Two is plenty.

Then again, there's a lot to be said for stopping at one.

My parents did.

Excuse me, Tony, do you have any barrettes?

Barrettes? That's it, I'm out of here.

I hear there's a Tupperware party in the next dorm.

Wait, wait, wait. Tony, come on!

I'm riding the hottest steak of my life and you're walking?

We'll play in my room next week,

and I promise you no women will be there.

Or ever have been.

You see that? You see what you girls did?

Oh, big loss.

If he shoved one more Twinkie in his mouth, I was gonna barf.

[Kelly moans]

Oh, hi, Kel.

How was class?

Don't mess with me.

Helga taught me to break a kneecap with one hand, girlie.

You know, on the way up here I was smelling smoke from Rogers' room.

[beeping] What's that?

It's the smoke detector.

Nobody panic.

Luckily, I'm the dorm's fire monitor.

Let's all begin our emergency escape procedures.

Drop to the ground and crawl to safety.

- Oh! - Mike!

Mike, open up!

- Hey, come on, Mike! - Hey!

- Mike! - Come on!

What? What?

Your room's on fire.

We just got a little distracted and I burned dinner.

- Oh. - So the fire's out?

Not entirely.

I think we've lost our fourth in Monopoly.

- Woo! - That's it!

Stay together.

Follow me!

How you doing back there, Slater?

Keep up! Yell out if you have any trouble!

Huah!

[theme music]