Original subtitles

Do they really expect us to take an anthropology class at 8 AM?

Huh, tell me about it, man. I don't even wake up before noon.

Pfft!

Tell you, the only reason I'm here is because of her.

But, her, too.

Yo!

You missed the redhead over in the third row.

Ahhhh.

Uh, bet you this professor guy is a real loser.

Oh, yeah.

He's probably spent half his life chasing pygmies

and those women who wear hula hoops through their noses.

You can do that in L.A.

Hey listen, I got a copy of his midterm.

- You want it? - Are you kidding?

Nah, I normally charge like, $50 for that sort of thing,

but for you, uh, how about $20?

Sure!

- Thanks. - Hey.

Hello, and welcome to Cultural Anthropology.

I'm your host, Professor Jeremiah Lasky.

Now before we begin, a word of caution.

There may be some unscrupulous people around here

that are actually trying to sell my midterm.

Don't bother. Its bogus.

But of course, you're all too smart for that, aren't you?

Does anyone want to buy a midterm?

Fasten your seat belts, because we are going on an adventure.

I'm going to take you to New Guinea

where we'll study the marriage rituals of the Tehanbuli tribe,

who often take up to as many as 16 wives.

Will you, you, and you marry me?

- Yes. - Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Don't let it go to your head.

Some people will do anything for a grade.

Shh!

Excuse me?

How do you spell Tehanbuli?

- It's not important. - Well, will it be on the final?

No.

Will there be a pop quiz on it?

T-E-H-A-N-B-U-L-I.

Thank you!

He's so cute!

I wonder what his sign is?

Virgo.

But enough about me.

Let's find out what you know.

Ah, you from the Calvin Klein ads,

what is anthropology?

Well,

anthropology is the--

Screech, Screech, he was talking to me.

Um, what's anthropology?

It's the study of humankind.

Right!

Ah, you, Mr. $20 lighter,

for a chance to win a copy of the real midterm,

who was Margaret Mead?

Isn't she the cafeteria lady with the hairnet?

No, sorry, that's Clara Mead.

- Ah. - Hey!

Ah, let's give somebody else a chance, shall we?

All right, take it.

Ah!

Margaret Mead was a pioneer in anthropology

who wrote the "Coming of Age in Samoa."

Clara Mead discovered tuna pudding.

- Great, what's your name, kid? - Samuel Powers.

Oh sure, by the way, I loved your book,

"I'm OK, You're an Aborigine."

You read my book?

Oh, no, no, don't get so excited.

He also read, "Garfield Goes to the White House."

Ha, me, too.

All right, first assignment, buy my book.

I need the money.

Listen, if I got to buy your book, can I at least have my $20 back?

Mm, tell you what--

here's five.

Buy it used.

Lasky's incredible.

He's the most dynamic teacher I have ever seen.

And of course, he's a Virgo.

Uh-huh. With a wacko rising.

Well, I know about you guys, but I was totally confused.

Oh, no, no, no, no-- with good reason.

This guy has taken one to many blow darts to the head.

Could someone pass the rolls, please?

Thank you.

Professor Lasky is amazing.

He's so charismatic and so sexy.

Lasky? Sexy?

He's a professor.

Exactly! Brilliance is sexy.

- Aw. - Funny is sexy.

Confusing is sexy.

Hey! Even I want to take the guy home!

Oh!

Kelly, were you going to finish this danish?

Not now!

What's with the pig out?

Well, I've got to gain six pounds by Friday.

Coach said if I can get myself into the next weight class,

I can wrestle against USC.

- You get to gain weight? - Uh-huh.

Life is so unfair.

I have to lose two pounds immediately.

You see, for an actress, it's that Tori Spelling look that's in right now.

None of that...

Come on, two pounds is hardly going to hurt you.

Yeah, that's what Delta Burke said before she inhaler first cheesecake!

Hey, Screech.

Mike Rogers is looking for you, and he is really ticked.

Oh, no. Slater, I'm a dead man!

He must have found out I shrunk his best silk shirt in the dryer!

Screech! You in there?

Ooh!

I haven't seen him anywhere.

Is he gone?

Yeah.

Aw, thanks, Slater. Ahh!

Powers!

I've got a computer problem.

A computer problem?

Oh, that's great.

Hey, I've got a shirt just like this.

Anyway, I finally break down and buy a computer,

then I realize it's not compatible.

With what?

With me. Look at these hands.

What do they suggest to you?

Death by strangulation?

Sure, they were great for crushing Joe Montana,

but just try typing with these fingers.

Let me see your hands.

Oh, beautiful.

Now those are the fingers of a sickly young girl.

Thanks!

Hey!

They're perfect for typing my new book.

You're writing a book, sir?

Well, I've got a publisher who's interested.

It's about my life in the NFL.

I'm calling it, "The Other Side of the Jock."

Provocative!

I'd be happy to put it on my computer for you, sir.

And perhaps you could help me in return.

You know, I've never been fully satisfied with my physique.

No kidding?

Tell you what --

you help me with me book, I'll help you bulk up.

So you want to be like, huge or super huge?

Actually, sir, I'd just like to be able to lift the toilet seat

without getting a hernia.

Now remember, every culture has some form of courting ritual.

The challenge of this demonstration is to get Leslie, the female,

to go off with Zack, the smart mouth.

But, like primitive man, you cannot use language.

No words.

No problem.

Hmm, as, we see the male is letting the female know of his interest.

He is saying, my cave or yours?

Any darn place works for me.

Ha-ha.

No words.

Ah, look at the female.

Mm, alas, she is not responding.

She is saying, hey who needs him?

I date a guy in my tribe who's got his own wheel.

This is stupid, all right? It's a waste of time.

This whole class is a waste of time.

Mr. Morris,

I'd like to see you in my office today at 5 o'clock.

Uh-huh, come in.

So, do you live in your office?

Only during the week.

On the weekends I live in my van at the beach.

Ha ha ha.

I like you, Zack. You're pretty sharp.

But I get a sense that you have no interest in anthropology.

Actually, sir, I have nothing against anthropology,

it's just, I don't see what it has to do with my life.

Ah, ah, but you will, my lad. You will.

For instance, had you paid attention to my lecture on courting rituals,

you'd learn a lot more about women.

It seems to me you're a little, uh,

clunky in that area.

Ha ha ha!

Me, clunky with women? Oh, no, no, no.

You see Professor Lasky, if there's anything I do know, it is women.

I've been scoping chicks since I was in the third grade.

Scoping chicks?

I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear that.

If I can make a scientific observation,

when it comes to women,

you don't know Jack, Zack.

- You want to bet? - Ah, you read my mind!

Now, I know you hate getting up early for my class,

so how would you like to be excused for the rest of the semester?

Huh! Yeah, right.

What's the catch?

I want you to do a field study on women.

And you can do it right here at CalU.

I want you to answer one question --

what do women want?

Ha ha ha. What do women want?

- That's it? - That's it, man.

You come up with a scientific conclusion,

I'll give you a B and you can sleep late the rest of the semester.

- Are you serious? - Uh-huh.

All right. You're on.

I want it by Friday.

What do women want?

Who does this clown think he's dealing with?

All right, give me two cheeseburgers, two fries,

two chocolate shakes and two cherry pies.

Oh, do you want something?

Coke. Diet.

Small.

You know, I can't believe how hard it is to gain weight, Alex.

I've been eating everything in sight and I've only put on a pound.

I hate you!

Ooh, ooh! Hi there!

I'm doing an anthropology field study on what women want.

What women want, take 27.

Quiet, everybody!

I don't know quite what to say.

Oh, well for instance, uh, would you want to go out with me?

Maybe.

Excellent. Now, just for the record,

would you please state your name and number?

I'm Tina. My phone number is 555-2083.

Wow, this zoom's really amazing, Zack.

She should really trim her nose hairs.

Screech, please.

Just can it with the commentary.

You are unbelievable, you know that?

Professor Lasky gives you a great opportunity

and you use it to hit on women.

Excuse me, I'm doing serious research here.

Zack, driving down Sorority Row yelling,

"Send out your women!" is not serious research.

Oh, yeah? Wait 'til you see the Kappa Zeta footage.

They have very interesting bathing rituals.

Ugh! Forget it, Zack.

Hey, come on, this is going to be a groundbreaking study.

How many phone numbers do we have?

Eighteen.

I love this project.

Sophomore year, I had a cracked rib,

a separated shoulder, and a ruptured spleen,

but I never missed a game.

Ow!

What's wrong?

Paper cut.

We got to stop for today.

Just tough it out, sir.

In publishing, you have to learn to play hurt.

Right.

OK, on the field, I was a hero.

But off the field,

I still couldn't get up the nerve to ask out Jenny Stillwell.

Ooh, really?

That's good stuff.

Go on.

I-- I can't. It's just too personal.

Personal is what sells books.

Come on, Mike. You can tell me anything.

All right.

There I was, 20 years old and I still hadn't had my first date.

Ah ha ha! And I thought I was a geek!

And I am!

Strike that part from the book,

and make sure it never leaves this room.

Your secret is safe with me, sir.

You know else is a babe?

That guy Kevin in History class.

Oh, he is cute, and oh, what a body.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, speaking of bodies, what about Slater's?

Ha ha!

He is the best thing that ever happened to a pair of jeans!

Mm, mm, mm!

So cute!

What?

I know I've been fighting it,

but I am madly in love with Zack.

Mm, I know what you mean.

I want him, too.

Bad.

You will have to fight me for him!

Get in line!

Of course, his body isn't half as good as Slater's.

No way!

Ahh!

What are you doing?

Serves you right for spying!

I am not spying! I am doing scientific research!

Yeah, sure.

Really, listen, I have to give Lasky this report by Friday,

and I have nothing.

I don't know what it is, but women don't take me seriously.

What?

So, in '87, I had 19 sacks, recovered 10 fumbles,

and I had three interceptions.

You got that, Screech?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MVP, blah, blah, blah, Super Bowl ring, big yawn.

What?

Well actually sir, I thought the personal stuff was more interesting.

You know, the part about you not dating 'til you were 20?

I hate that part.

Well sir, as your editor, I suggest we put it in the book.

And have people laugh at me?

No way.

They won't laugh at you.

What they'll see is a real person.

What they'll see is a real wimp.

Oh, they won't see a wimp --

they'll see a guy just like me.

Oh, that makes me feel much better.

Sir, let me explain.

You see, if a cool guy like you had a little trouble with girls,

just think how much hope it could give us regular guys!

You really think so?

All right, maybe I will.

Come on, let's hit the weights.

Oh, OK.

OK, remember what we learned yesterday?

Arms straight, push from the shoulders.

Come on, give me five reps.

You got it, sir.

That's it, concentrate.

Come on, breathe.

Breathe, come on, feel the burn!

Phone call for you, Mr. Rogers.

She said she's Mikey's mommy.

Don't put this part in the book.

I feel the burn!

Oh! Oh, oh!

- Hey, you! - Hey, Kel.

Hey, Kelly? We're close friends, right?

- Sure, Zack. Why? - It's this Lasky project.

I mean, I'm in trouble.

I don't know what is, but women won't open up to me.

Zack, no girl in her right mind is going to open up

to a guy who's been hitting on her.

And that's all you've been doing.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

It's just that, hitting on girls is like breathing to me.

By the way, nice shorts!

You see?

If you were really interested in listening to what we have to say,

you'd get some real responses.

Well, I'm really interested in you.

For starters, what do you want to do with your life?

Oh, well, I'm not sure.

I want to make a difference in people's lives somehow.

Maybe a teacher or work in health care.

Health care really?

I didn't know you were interested in that.

Yeah. I am.

But, I also want to have fun and meet some new friends.

And I wouldn't mind having Leslie's wardrobe.

Is that so?

Yeah.

But, you know, it's really hard coming to college

and competing with so many girls that have money.

I mean, I have to work at the Student Health Center

and really watch my pennies.

And sometimes I feel like I just don't belong here.

Really?

What about you, Alex? What do you want to do?

Does the camera bother you?

No,

the camera loves me,

particularly from my left side.

With me, it's no big secret.

I want to be Meryl Streep.

I want an Oscar, an Emmy, a Tony, and a Luke Perry.

Well, that's great, but uh, what if you don't make it?

Don't make it?

Well, I never thought about that.

Well shut the camera off!

No more pictures!

You! Call my agent!

Wait a minute, I don't have an agent.

What about you, Leslie? What are your ambitions?

Well, in the Burke family, you're born with ambition.

It's issued right along with the trust fund.

My gosh, there's a library named after my family on this campus.

My parents put so much pressure on me,

I don't know what I want.

They're never going to see this tape, are they?

No. You have my word.

Now, what is it you guys want from us?

I mean, what do women want from men?

Ha ha!

Where do we start?

Well, you guys always seem to have a hidden agenda.

And men are always sizing you up.

Yeah, it's like you're the object of some kind of hunt.

I'd like to have a friendship with a guy not based on the physical.

I'd like a man who's really romantic.

Just once, I'd like to see a guy cry at something

other than a football game.

I know it sounds simple,

but I want to be a mother and raise a family.

What do I want?

Anything chocolate.

My perfect guy?

Uh, I guess it really doesn't matter,

just as long as he hasn't done time.

Intelligence.

Sincerity.

Kindness.

Men? Men are pigs.

Who needs them?

Did I say Luke Perry?

I meant River Phoenix.

Very interesting, Zack.

Not bad, my boy, for your first field study.

Conclusions?

Uh, well, to tell you the truth sir,

I'm more confused than ever.

I mean, I couldn't find the one thing that all women want.

Guess they're just like guys. They want a lot of different things.

Bingo.

Took me 32 years, three dozen countries,

and an ex-wife to learn that.

Good work.

Thanks.

Well, I'm a man of my word.

- You got your B. - Ah.

You can sleep in the rest of the semester.

All right, thank you, sir.

I'll never forget you for this.

Oh. by the way, if I give you the girls' swim team footage,

can you make it an A?

Don't push your luck.

What are you doing?

Coach called me last night and said our best guy came down with the flu.

I can wrestle in his place if I get back down to my original weight class.

So now I have to lose three pounds by 4:00.

And I am starving.

Ha! Now you know what it's to be a woman.

I guess everybody's here who's going to be here.

All right, let's get started.

One of the most fascinating stories in anthropology

is Jane Goodall's 30-year study of the chimpanzees of Gombe.

Now, the intelligence of these guys is mind boggling.

Their reasoning and language skills are incredible.

- They-- - Oh, yeah?

If they're so smart, how come they don't have cable TV?

Well, well, Mr. Morris.

To what do we owe this pleasure?

You already got your B.

I don't want a B. I want an A.

Well, in that case, son, sit down.

You're late.

Well, the only reason I was late, sir, is because I stopped to buy your book.

Ah, very good.

You are going to find it very useful.

Oh, ho, ho, I already have.

Stick around. It's going to be an interesting year.

I feel the burn!

Uh-oh. Uh-oh!

Oh!