Original subtitles

Some people might think the moral of my story is.

"In this fucked-up world, even a simpie thing...

"like buying a six-pack, can be harmful to your health."

But I don't know about that.

What I do know is, instead of getting our beer...

Joe and me got fucked-up terrorists sticking a video camera in our faces...

for 36 days and 36 nights.

What we didn't know was that everybody in America was watching.

Hi there. Cliff Spab, as seen on TV.

I'm Wendy Pfister.

Welcome to our humble home. Come on in, take a seat.

We got apple pie in the oven, and me and Joe are playing Crazy Eights.

Hey, we can deal you in if you want.

I like Go Fish.

Wendy, what's for dinner?

There's some Casa Blanca...

red-hot bean and beef burritos...

some Pringles, some cupcakes and a bag of gumnuts and...

No, you ate the last bag of gumnuts.

No, I didn't.

You ate the last bag of gumnuts.

- No, I didn't, Joe! - All right, you two cut it out!

You fucking bitch, you ate the last bag of fucking gumnuts!

I'm sick of you calling me a fucking bitch!

- Wendy! - I'm sick of it!

- Let the dog in. Joe, take out the trash! - Fuck the dog! Fuck the trash!

No more backtalk from you, young man, or you can forget dessert!

Jesus Christ!

When I was a young boy, I wouldn't even think of talking the way you kids do.

This is my house.

Since when is this your house?

This just isn't my house, it's my own fucking country!

- I think I want an exit visa. - Yeah, so fucking what, Wendy?

I'm sorry.

Wendy.

Spab.

Hey, Wendy, Spab?

How about another beer?

- That's the last one, Joe. - We'll just have to get some more, then.

No, I mean really, that's the last one.

Fuck.

Guess it's showtime! How you boys doing?

How are they ever doing?

Get that fucking camera off me! Get the fuck off!

Yeah, get it over here, man, right here!

I got a treat for you boys. This is for the folks back home!

You ready to see my really photogenic side? Well, here it is.

Give me the gun! Motherfucker!

The Fun Stop hostage crisis is over.

For 36 days, American television was forced to broadcast...

uncensored video tapes of five individuals...

held by a terrorist group, Split Image.

If the uncensored tapes weren't aired, all five hostages would die.

A threat Split Image made good...

with the brutal killings of Kim Martin and Milt Morris.

And so, every night on prime-time television...

we watched with agonized fascination as the hostages...

five ordinary Americans, were transformed from convenience-store shoppers...

into national heroes.

What the ultimate goal of Split Image was, we may never know.

Any further insight may have to await the recovery...

of the young man we came to know so well, Cliff Spab.

At this moment, young Mr. Spab is in a tightly guarded hospital room...

recovering from the bullet wound he suffered while risking his own life...

to save the only other surviving hostage, Wendy Pfister.

We hope to have Cliff as our guest as soon as his health permits.

- How are you, Cliff? - How the hell does he look?

- You think you're up to a press conference? - The President wants to give you a medal.

- We're talking big time. - At the White House.

- Yes sir, we finally hit the jackpot! - In the Rose Garden.

Look, all that stuff I said about you being a loser? Forget it.

Your father has something very exciting he wants to tell you.

- Go ahead, Bob, tell him. - It's just that your mom and-

- Just spit it out! - They're making a TV movie all about you.

The Cliff Spab Story, just the way it happened.

Actually, they're making three TV movies. Our version is the authorized one.

The real McCoy. And check this out.

I know how you feel.

You don't have to talk if you don't want to.

Sometimes it feels better to talk about it.

Of course, sometimes, it feels better not to talk about it.

Agent Parsley.

FBI.

You might have fooled the rest of the world, but you don't fool me.

I'm betting you were in on this little stunt.

You're nothing but a foul-mouthed, lazy...

good-for-nothing, little prick hoodlum...

and the world would best be rid of you.

The dark side of the Pepsi Generation. That is you, all the way.

They're offering you $1 million.

- We're talking seven figures. - That is a lot of money.

We loved the way you handled yourself on that TV special.

- Very smooth. - He doesn't know about the TV special.

- You don't know about the TV special? - You had your own TV special.

Don't worry about it. You were sensational!

The best! Highest TVQ ever. Better than a real star.

The Cliff Spab Special. It got a 30 share.

Even better than The Wendy Special.

Ultimately, it's up to me.

I haven't really found anybody...

that can help me out.

It's hard, because I don't think people really understand...

what I'm all about.

You think they'll be a time when you will want to look to the future...

and you will want to see if things are gonna be brighter for you?

I really don't know.

Hello.

Hello?

Don't touch me!

What are you doing? Leave me alone!

Help!

Just take them.

Fuck you, you fucking fuckheads!

Hey, Clifford!

- How you doing, guy? - Rocking!

And there's more where that came from.

- Best news I've had. - Let's get outta here.

I want you to call me if you need to talk. And, Cliff, watch your language.

Who the hell is that?

Beats the fuck out of me. Hey, Scott, great shirt.

Have you spoken to Wendy?

How is Wendy?

She took my beer.

How are you feeling?

How do you feel?

I don't know.

James, let's motor!

Fuck! What's the deal man? What the fuck is going on here?

Get used to it.

These assholes kept dogging us for weeks. You're a fucking hero.

- What's that? Does it open up there? - Yeah, that's a fucking bar, man.

- In-fucking-credible, baby! - Got your coffee.

Clifford, there's gonna be some people back at the house.

Some kind of reception shit.

Limousine, primo beer. Can't beat it.

Hey, Scott, let's go to the Boy. James? To the Boy!

Hey, Spab, we just saw you on TV. You were great!

- Really cool! - Stan, hi.

Anything you guys want on the house, right?

Check it out!

No shit, 36 cents?

That's kind of cheap, Stan.

It's symbolic. 36.

Thirty-six days in the Fun Stop.

Pretty fucking clever, Stan.

I just came to pick up my paycheck.

Sure thing, Cliff. I guess you were a little busy.

Look, here.

- Where's Joe, Stan? - You're Worker of The Month.

I think Joe should be up here too, don't you?

- Well, Joe's dead. - Come on, we gotta go, Cliff.

Where the fuck is Joe, Stan?

- You know he should fucking be up there. - No can do.

Hey Stan, you still spitting in the burgers in this joint?

Very funny. You were always a joker. Welcome back, Spab!

I'm Wendy Pfister. I'm 17.

I live in Ozell Park with my mom.

And I go to Ozell Park High.

I just want my wife to know...

I'm fine.

These people don't frighten me.

They are nothing.

My name is Kim Martin.

I was working in this Fun Stop when these people rushed in.

I live in Royal Oak.

I have a husband and a son.

If you can hear me...

I love you so much.

Just keep on praying that this will all be over really soon.

Get that fucking camera off me.

Say something.

Get him the fuck outta here.

Hi, my name is Rick Forsythe.

I live in Silver Pond with my parents, George and Edna, and my sister, Suzanne.

I'm president of the debate team and captain of my baseball team...

at Silver Pond High.

I have a dog named Rusty.

My hobbies include coin collecting and dry-fucking cheerleaders.

He's here!

Come on, Cliff, I'll get you up here. Let's go!

On behalf of the city of Madison Heights, I proclaim today...

Cliff Spab Day!

And I'm pleased as punch to present you with the key...

to our magnificent metropolis.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm the Mayor.

Right.

Thank you. It's a mighty big fucking key.

- Mr. Spab, have you seen Wendy Pfister? - No, I haven't.

Can you describe what led to your freedom?

I can't.

You saved her life. Do you love her?

That's none of your business, sweetheart, is it?

Any comment on the death of Joe Dice?

Every one of you assholes get the fuck out of here now!

Get these people off my goddamn porch. Jesus!

What do we got here?

Tomorrow morning you get your ass down to my office.

We're gonna have a little chat about your Split Image friends.

They weren't my friends. Get your fucking hands off me.

Back off, guy.

Cliff? Come in here. One, two, three.

Welcome home, Clifford!

Cliff, your Aunt Jessica, Derrick and Sylvie drove in from upstate...

and your Uncle Jerry and Cousin Dave took the bus.

Right. Hey, there, how are you doing?

Clifford, honey, I cleaned your room.

- What the hell happened here? - Mom.

Fuck this shit! Give me a beer, Scott.

Oh, baby.

So what are you gonna do now?

Sing a song.

Fucker boy outside

walking down the road

Fucker boy outside

walking down the road

Fucker boy outside walking down

Walking down the road

- That sucks, man. - Yeah, you're right.

I've been craving this for so fucking long, man.

Turn that damn thing down!

You guys out of your minds?

Yeah.

You're a real comedian, Cliff. I don't think this is very funny.

I do.

Now you listen to me. There's a lot of money at stake here.

I don't care if you fuck up your own life, but don't fuck it up for your mom and me.

She'll be really pissed when she sees what you've done here.

I want to know one thing. Who invited the fucking marching band?

Watch your mouth!

Mom and I are embarrassed as hell about the language you used on TV.

I bet you'd have been really embarrassed if they blew my head off.

Yeah? You ain't leaving this house until you give a press conference.

Okay, Dad.

I think I know how to stay in confined areas for long periods of time.

Shut up, Scott! You little twerp.

A press conference will not kill you.

Joe thought running into the Fun Stop to buy some beer wouldn't kill him either.

Don't fuck with me, Cliff.

And clean up this fucking room.

Home, sweet home.

Hey, Wendy.

Spab.

Let's sing a duet, shall we?

As long as we got each other

We got the world spinnin' right in our hands

Baby you and me

we gotta be

The luckiest dreamers

who never quit dreamin'

As long as we keep on givin'

we can take anything that comes our way

Baby, rain or shine

all the time

We got each other

Sharing the laughter and love

Come here.

I want to go home.

- What's the deal? - What do you think the deal is, Spab?

- Do you want to take a bath? - Fuck you, Spab.

My brother's dead and all you can say is, "You want to take a bath?"

Monica, I'm coming over.

Spab, you asshole.

I was 1 year old when Joe was born.

And for the next 19 years, we lived next door to each other in Madison Heights.

Went to the same schools, worked at the same goddamn Burger Boy.

Spent countless hours drinking Bullseye and getting fucked up on cheap pot.

And now Joe's dead.

What a fucking waste.

I've gone nuts, Monica.

I thought it was crazy in there...

but out here...

it's fucking insane.

Yeah, so?

Fuck being drunk or stoned.

In that goddamn store, we were nuts.

Even Wendy?

Yeah, even Wendy, she was nuts.

So, did you fuck her?

Who, Wendy?

Wendy Pfister?

I didn't even know the girl, you know, before all this shit went down.

She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, you know.

You're good, Spab, you're really good.

I'd say I know you, but every now and then you leave me guessing.

Did Joe fuck her?

What do you think?

You asshole, you like her, don't you? Christ, I can tell.

What have you got against Wendy Pfister? I mean, she's a really nice girl.

I don't know, maybe her little Miss Teen USA act.

You can do what she does and get away with it...

and never feel guilty about it if you wanted to.

Maybe, but who'd want to.

Monica, you fucking taco, I know you.

Take your bath, Spab.

You need one.

What's the deal, Monica?

What do you think the deal is?

All right, come on in.

It's pretty pathetic.

You ought to see my room.

Fuck your room! You ain't dead.

They forgot about Joe the minute they had you to honor, praise and interview.

Yeah, like they won't forget about me.

I'm not saying it's your fault, Spab.

I'm just saying they were never all that interested in Joe anyway.

Joe wasn't funny enough. Joe wasn't interesting enough.

He never came up with all the good lines you did.

Don't you get it?

You were the guy that everybody wanted to know everything about.

Not my brother.

Well, fuck everybody.

Tell them that, and it's just another fucking headline.

God, I'm drunk.

What time is it, anyway?

I don't know. 1:30?

God, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

I've been drunk since May 2. It's no big deal.

Yeah.

But you know me. I'm usually in control.

Monica?

What's the deal?

Jesus, Spab!

You fucking asshole.

How long are you gonna be gone?

Well, you know me, honey.

Rocking and rolling...

taking care of business, sweet thing.

Yep, I know what you mean. Running with life, your back to the winds.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

And don't call me "sweet thing," you fucking asshole.

- Thanks for the lift. - Is that what you call it?

Here, this might help out some.

You didn't have to do that.

Ever heard of Friends of the Hostages?

People we don't even know have been sending us money for weeks now.

Call if you want more.

What if I don't want more, but I want to call?

Like I said, call if you want more.

Good luck being nobody!

Holy shit, man, it's Spab!

Hey, Spab, I'm not a fuckup. I just play one in real life.

Hey, what's the deal, guys?

Hey, you want to puff this fatty, man?

Thank you, boys.

Fucking Spab, fucking psychedelic!

I'm Al, this is Johnny!

Cliff.

You look fatter on TV, man.

I can't believe I'm standing here, talking to Cliff Spab!

Ask him something!

Like what, man?

I don't know, ask him about his arm.

- What happened to his arm? - He got shot, you dufus.

Fuck! In the arm?

No, in the shoulder, man.

- Well, did it hurt? - Yeah, it fucking hurt.

Man, that must've sucked.

So, how's Joe, man?

- Fuck, I forgot. - I'm sorry.

God, Joe's dead!

I'm sorry.

It's all right, man.

Well, that's my ride.

Where you going?

If it isn't Rick fucking Forsythe.

Hey, Morrow, you fucking asshole.

How's the cheerleaders, Rick?

Hey, Spab, you coming back?

Never.

Kids today, let me tell you.

Onward!

Shit, that was Spab.

Shit, man, he took our joint!

You have our joint!

I rolled it myself!

Who was that, your fan club?

That was Joe and me three years ago.

So how does it feel to be famous?

It feels angry, man.

The curiosity about Cliff Spab throughout the country...

has been overwhelming. He's now bordering on cult status.

- Hang on. Yes, ma'am, right here. - What's Cliff Spab really like?

Exactly like he was on those tapes.

Reality programming gives reality a bad fucking name.

What do you think?

He's a lazy, foul-mouthed, uneducated drug addict.

This guy's funny.

Wendy, you met Cliff Spab at the Fun Stop.

He's from working-class Madison Heights.

You're from the wealthy suburb of Ozell Park.

Bottom line. ' you and Cliff are very different people, aren't you?

In what ways?

I don't think we're that different.

Wendy looks good!

I'd do her.

But you're perceived differently.

That's what this is all about anyway, isn't it?

Perceptions.

I don't think people know Spab or me.

Did you fuck her?

- With the handcuffs and everything. - All right, shut up, Morrow.

They may think they know us, but they don't know us at all.

Okay Wendy, I gotta ask you this:

Where is Cliff Spab?

I know! Here!

Indeed, all of America is wondering where is Cliff Spab?

Where can he be? Is he on the road, or has foul play befallen him?

Hang on.

If I was Wendy, and I knew where Spab is, I would never tell anybody.

Initially no network would air the hostage tapes.

But after the cold-blooded executions of hostages Kim Martin and Milt Morris...

the networks had no choice. And all over the world, every night...

Cliff Spab and Wendy Pfister became part of our lives.

Thursday, June 17. Viewer discretion is advised.

Will you cut it out. I can't take it anymore!

All right, listen up.

There's been some developments. We're gonna let one of you go.

All right! I just want to say, on my own behalf...

how great it's been hanging out with you guys.

Who wants to let this guy go?

Sit down...

Watch the language!

Why don't you let her go?

How many for her?

Get her out of here, man.

Oh, thank God!

I'll pray for you.

I'll pray for all of you guys.

Yeah, we're gonna miss you, Kim! It ain't gonna be the same without you!

Let's get out of here, man.

Crestridge?

What are you taking me here for, man? I don't want to see anybody.

Don't worry, guy, your 15 minutes are almost up.

Morrow, what's the deal?

What's the deal?

You mean, what am I sure of?

The one thing I'm sure of is that everything is unsure.

Fuck you!

What's the point of saying anything?

You know how it is, man. It's the same old fucking shit.

So...

I'm stuck in this Fun Stop.

So fucking what?

And I'm bored as shit.

So fucking what?

So I don't know what the fuck's going on?

So fucking what?

So I might die in here.

So fucking what?

So I haven't had a decent shower and food...

in way too fucking long.

So fucking what?

How is this different...

from anything else that's happened in my life?

I mean, God, when I was in high school, fucking up big time...

everybody was always giving me shit.

All I ever said was, "So fucking what?"

When I was at the Boy, the goddamn Boy...

making minimum after working there for three years, man...

all I ever said was, "So fucking what?"

Jesus Christ!

That's all you gotta do, man.

It's all everybody's gotta do, is just say, "So fucking what?"

It works wonders.

Trust me.

I know.

So go ahead.

Go ahead, Mr. Cameraman.

Everybody out there...

say it along with me. ' "So fucking what?"

You must think you're real fucking funny, don't you?

- What are you doing, Morrow? - Just wait.

- Wait for me in the car! - I don't want to wait for you.

Wait for me in the... Get outta here!

Do me a favor? Would you hold onto this for me?

What the fuck are you doing, man?

You think that guy broke your fucking window?

So you take his gun? What are you, a fucking idiot?

Fuck you!

What do you mean "fuck you"? Fuck you, man.

Just because you're a big, fucking hero...

does not mean you know jack shit about the real world.

- You know what? - What?

Take me to the bus depot, and don't be laughing at me, you prick!

We interrupt to bring you a special news bulletin.

Reports are in that Cliff Spab has been sighted...

at the Crestridge Mall in Madison Heights.

According to FBI agent, Gerald Parsley, the hunt for Spab...

is being confined to Madison Heights. Agent Parsley had this to say. '

Mr. Spab is being sought for questioning.

We believe he has been, and still is, involved with certain subversive activities.

This fucking guy!

We know he has not left the immediate area...

and a search of his most likely destinations is now in progress.

Cliff, this is your mother.

We want you to come home. We love you.

Fuck!

Sandy!

Come check this out.

Sandy's drunk again!

Goddamn it, I hate that shit!

Come here. Help me take her to the bathroom.

Grab her legs.

Let's get the fuck out of here, all right?

Come on, just help me take her to the bathroom.

Sandy

how I love you, Sandy

Rise and shine, darling.

Oh, God.

No, it's Morrow, honey.

Get your fucking hands off of me. And who's that?

Him?

He's Fred Nietzsche.

Get your hands off of me!

You gotta be careful, a woman in your condition.

Fuck you, Morrow!

Mrs. Pfister, I really need to talk to Wendy, okay?

Cliff, look, I realize you've both been through a lot...

but I don't think it's a good idea for you and Wendy to see each other anymore.

I've told Wendy this, too.

Hello?

Mrs. Pfister?

I'm sorry, Cliff.

Hey, Cliff, bring us another bottle of that shit champagne!

- Hey, guy, listen to this. - Do I have to?

Suppose, instead of going to the local Fun Stop...

with your two best friends to buy some beer...

you go out with a woman named Sandy Hooten.

Yeah, I remember.

Suppose, while your two best friends are being taken hostage...

by some insane freaks, you make love to the aforementioned Sandy Hooten...

who tells you she's on the pill...

so you don't have to use a latex prophylactic device.

- Morrow, shut up. - Yeah, please, Morrow-

And further suppose, after a few weeks go by...

the aforementioned, Sandy Hooten returns...

It's $300 to be exact.

You fucking liar, you gave me $228.

- And finally- - Finish the fucking story already. Jesus.

Your two best friends are still being held hostage...

by the aforementioned insane freaks, in the aforementioned Fun Stop.

You hop over to see the aforementioned mother of your child.

And you happen to discover that she was on the pill!

She never got pregnant.

She only needed the aforementioned $300...

to buy this cheap-ass, shit-fucking wine, because she's a fucking drunk!

What the fuck are you doing? Give me the gun.

Back off, cowboy!

I can't believe this. Now you're fucking pointing a gun at me.

Stand up, honey. Stand up, Sandy!

Sandy, I love you.

You're Spab!

Yeah, well-

No, really, I love you. I've seen all your tapes.

- This is- - No, this is an honor, is what it is.

I'll be honest with you, Cliff.

You and your philosophy, and stuff?

You helped me through some pretty tough times.

I wish you could help him.

Let's get out of here before I puke!

All right. Shine on, little diamond.

Bye, Sandy.

So fucking what?

So fucking what?

Why are we still in here?

How long have we been in here anyway?

You're not gonna tell me.

Fuck you!

You want to shoot somebody? Shoot me.

Go ahead. You got the camera, you got the gun. Do it.

You know, you run out of hostages, you're fucked!

You know that?

You see, that's the difference between you assholes and me.

You're afraid of dying. I'm not.

I'm not afraid to die.

So, fucking do it!

I am fucking daring you to shoot me in the head!

Fucking do it!

You think I give a fuck?

I don't give a fuck! I could give two shits!

Fucking kill me! Shoot me in the fucking head, you fuck!

You sorry-ass, cock-sucking motherfucker!

Fuck you.

Shit, Morrow, come on in.

What did you do now, little brother?

Janet, I'd like you to meet Spab.

- Spab, this is my sister. - No kidding?

Hey, I'm splitting. I've had it with this two-bit town.

I want you to tell her everything. Don't leave nothing out.

Janet here is a goddamn lawyer.

Janet, could you take care of this for me, please?

Hey, guy, remember...

the best you can expect is to avoid the worst.

- Present. - As in, the Spab?

Yeah, afraid so.

Morrow never told me...

he had a sister.

Morrow never told me he had a Spab.

Wendy Pfister, the courageous young woman...

we came to care about so deeply...

has been through more in the last several months...

than most of us will experience in a lifetime.

But through it all she retained her dignity, refusing to be reduced to the level...

of her mysterious captors.

When she emerged from her terrible ordeal...

she found herself strengthened.

She discovered an iron will and a newfound sensitivity to the needs of others.

In short, Wendy Pfister has been transformed...

from a typical American teenager into a genuine American heroine.

Tonight, for the first time, we'll get to spend an hour with Wendy...

in the privacy of her own home.

What about Cliff Spab? What are your impressions of him?

Her hair is terrible.

I think she looks good.

Really?

I've been really careful with what I say about Spab.

Why?

Because people don't understand him.

And you have to know him to really know what he's all about.

Would you like to see Spab again? Could you be friends?

I think we still are friends.

Sure, I'd like to know how he's doing.

You don't spend so much time with someone...

and not find out almost everything about each other's lives.

I really miss him.

He saved my life.

That girl is cracking up.

I personally don't think she's getting very good advice.

Really?

And what advice would you give her?

First of all...

I would tell her to relax.

And then I would advise her...

to have some fun.

And then I would tell her...

to laugh all the way to the bank.

Here it is.

Okay, I'm going to commit a little felony here.

How's your pitching arm, Spab?

Who are you, Clifford Spab?

Just some greasy-ass white boy from the northeast suburbs.

Hello!

It's sure been an interesting night.

The night's still young, and so are you.

If you need a place to lay low, I'll protect your privacy.

Thank you.

But when you're ready, I'll be ready with you.

That's great.

Ready...

Ready for what?

One of these days you'll want to get your life back...

and you may have to sue some people to get it.

They can all just fuck themselves.

We all would like that, Spab...

but experience has taught me that people just don't up and fuck themselves.

They need somebody else to fuck them.

And that's why God created lawyers like me.

And that's why Morrow brought you here.

This was Morrow's idea?

I mean, you guys are gonna split the profits, right?

Actually we will only split 50 percent.

- The other 50 goes to you. - Right.

Where are you going?

Come on, Spab, it's a total spinout. You need to take control.

I'm willing to negotiate.

You little fucker!

Shit.

It is Spab!

Is it Spab?

Fucking Spab! Fucking A, man!

I'll tell you something, Spab.

You sure as hell said some shit that needed fucking said!

- Thank you, Dolly. - We heard that!

Thank you, Earl.

I'm just saying, and this is just me saying it, but I just think...

that you said a whole lot of shit a lot of people in this country think about...

but don't have the fucking guts to say out loud.

I'm gonna go even further and say they don't even have the fucking guts...

to think about it.

Heard that!

Give me a hit.

- Thank you, honey. - I want to ask you something, baby.

Did you ever think you were gonna bite it back there?

- Let me put it this way, sweetheart. - I heard that.

What it boils down to is that I'm a survivor. Okay? That's what it is.

Anybody who thinks I'm gonna live fast and die young...

they don't know me now, do they?

We interrupt this program to bring you a special report.

The Madison Heights Police...

have issued an all points bulletin for the arrest of Cliff Spab.

Spab is wanted for assault and battery on a local teenager at the Crestridge Mall.

If you have any information as to Cliff Spab's whereabouts...

please contact the Madison Heights Police Department immediately.

Now back to our regular programs.

Fucking liars!

Don't sweat it, Spab. We got it covered.

There ain't no fucking way they're getting you without a fight, baby.

Let's put the gun down, okay, buddy?

Let's put it over there. We don't need to go this far now.

Spab, forget about it, all right?

You showed us the way. You opened the door.

I say the motherfucking Madison Heights pigs...

shouldn't be allowed to get away with this kind of shit, man.

I say there's no way...

that our Spab should be treated with this kind of disrespect.

Spab, you're a fucking hero. You saved Wendy Pfister's life.

I say fuck kinder-gentler, that's what else I say.

It's payback time in America

God shed his grace on thee

And crown thy good with brotherhood

from sea to shining sea

How the hell is it my fault? You were driving the whole damn time.

Exactly, so why the fuck should I be paying attention...

to shit like that? You're supposed to be the copilot, Earl.

So watching the gas thing is the copilot's responsibility now?

- Yeah, you know it. - Great.

Everyone wanted a piece of me.

The only problem was, there wasn't enough of me to go around.

I guess Janet was right.

I mean, this whole thing was like a circle spinning out of control.

First, you get sucked in, then you get spun out.

I was somewhere between getting sucked and getting spun.

Actually, the whole thing sucked.

If Joe was alive, he'd be laughing his ass off...

and telling everyone to fuck off at the same time.

Joe was never subtle.

Me, I had no idea what I was gonna do.

What I knew for sure was that road trips aren't all they're cracked up to be.

- Hi there. - How may I help you?

Pamela, I'd like a room.

The only thing available tonight is a suite.

Fine, that'll be just fine.

All right. And your name?

Robert Plant.

Hi there. Cliff Spab for Bayer Aspirin.

Wendy Pfister, which do you think Joe Dice will prefer. '

microwave stuffing, or your potatoes Iyonnaise?

Joe would definitely prefer the potatoes Iyonnaise. They're his favorite.

Well then, Joe, which is it gonna be?

Wait, what are my choices again?

- Wendy's stuffing... - Or Wendy's potatoes Iyonnaise.

I definitely prefer Wendy's...

Joe Dice, a man so mean he shot a guy for snoring too loud.

Hi there! Do you know me? I like shopping so much...

I've been in the same... store, for Christ knows how long?

That's why I carry the American Express card.

If you go shopping in Madison Heights, don't forget your Visa card...

and don't forget your ammunition.

I got one more thing to say. Remember this. '

I'm not a hostage. I just play one on TV.

Atta boy! That's Remington!

- ... coming from. - What kind of signal is it?

- Is it music? - Don't know that yet.

So damn what?

Held hostage in a convenience store for 36 days.

So what's the point of talking?

Yeah, you said it. So damn what?

He was black.

So damn what?

She was white.

It has a totally cool sound to it, Cliff.

They were as different as night and day.

Everybody out there in TV land, say it with me...

So damn what?

You say it, Wendy.

So damn what?

Gary Coleman and Dori Smelling star in...

So Damn What.

The television event of the decade.

You're at Comedy Central.

Okay, he's standing way up in this building...

and he shot himself right smack in the head.

And he fell right into this parking lot...

like, crunch!

His final words, I ain't never gonna forget them, goes. '

"So... what?"

I mean...

the thought of that just sends chills right down to my spine.

Okay, now, this is still an unconfirmed report.

Authorities in Madison Heights have reason to believe...

that the body recovered earlier this evening, in a motel parking lot...

is indeed that of Cliff Spab.

An apparent suicide at the age of 20.

We'll all miss you, Cliff.

TVM. How may I direct your call?

Hi there.

Got a hot news scoop for you. Let me talk to somebody.

One moment, please.

TVM news desk, can I help you?

Yeah. Cliff Spab ain't dead.

He's alive and well, and I can prove it.

Are you talking about the Cliff Spab?

Really?

Yeah, that's right.

Would he like to appear on TVM?

Yeah.

Hi. Cliff Spab here.

I'm not a VJ. I just play one on TVM.

Hi there.

I want to take you over to the couch.

These are a couple of dear friends of mine. Over here is Peggy, Grace...

and Dottie over there. Let's wave to the camera, girls.

So when you get down to it, you know, when they first asked me...

to be a guest VJ here on TVM...

they said I could talk about anything.

As long as I didn't use words like...

Especially not words like mother... So I made a promise to them...

not to use words like... And especially words like mother...

So I decided to play my 10 most favorite videos...

where they either sing about ... show... or use... in the title.

"So... what?" The clip you just saw is based...

I do believe, on the personal experiences of yours truly.

But before we go to that next clip...

See you in a minute, girls.

I'd like to share something kind of special with you all.

I'd like to dedicate this to a close friend who I haven't seen in way too long.

Wendy, if you're out there...

this Bull's for you.

All right. Shut the fuck up!

Time out, guys.

Look, everybody keep quiet, so you can hear what Spab has to say.

Okay, Spab is ready for your questions.

Mr. Spab, how do you explain the behavior on those tapes?

And why do you suppose that Split Image made those tapes?

I don't know. I never figured out what the pantyhose guys wanted.

I guess they were just bored shitless, like the rest of us.

Maybe they were trying to get through it.

They didn't know the fucking world was watching.

Could you describe for us...

the situation that led to your escape from the Fun Stop?

Yeah, we ran out of beer.

Liked that one?

Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?

I don't have to consider myself nothing, with all you reporters doing it for me.

Exactly what is it that you're rebelling against?

That depends, what you got?

I would like to know why you can't be a little more serious in your answers?

Look, this is the way I am, okay? Don't be taking me so fucking seriously.

Mr. Spab, what can you say about Joe Dice?

There's nothing to say about Joe, is there? He's gone.

I miss him.

Will he care that I'm wearing a "Free Cliff Spab" shirt?

He'll love it. You look great. He'll be glad to see you.

- How you doing, bro? - Look at that big bottle of beer you got.

I'm a big guy. Kristen, this is Clifford. Clifford, Kristen.

- Let's go. - Nice to meet you.

How's everybody doing?

I knew that dead guy wasn't you. Didn't I say?

It's too bad though.

Your school papers and shit would've gone for twice the fucking cash.

- Excuse me, you're Cliff Spab. - Yeah, that's right.

- He ain't Patty Hearst, buddy. - He saved Wendy Pfister's life.

- We saw it. That was something. - Who do I have the pleasure of meeting?

I'm Phll Connors and this is my wife, Rita.

- Hi, Rita. - Hi, how nice to meet you.

What do you say we take these guys hostage with us?

Come on, Phll, Rita, come party with us!

We're supposed to meet some people.

What do you say, Rita?

So fucking what!

- Let's party! Come on, Phll! - Party down!

Yeah, here it is.

This is class.

- This is great. What'd I tell you? - Yeah.

Over here.

Cliff, does this go in the bathtub?

- The beer ball goes at the bar, right there. - We got a bar?

- Tell Spab about the concert. - What concert is that?

Want to see Spiral Jet, Friday? They want you to introduce them.

I do!

Where are you?

How about a beer? You want a Bullseye or a Heineken?

- Heineken. - You look like a Heineken kind of girl.

- I hope that's good. - That is good.

- You want a beer? - No.

Come on.

Kris in there is your biggest fan.

But it's not like I want to fuck you or anything.

I think we should go.

Sweetheart, let's just stay a little longer. You got to live to learn, Phll.

You got to live to learn. You said that.

Being your brother made me popular with the ladies.

That's great, Scott. I'm glad it's finally working for you.

I just want to hang around, you know, hear what you gotta say.

I don't know shit.

See, that is so Spab.

- That is Spab. - That is Spab, you're right.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cliff Spab.

Thank you!

Hey, Wendy.

Hi, Spab.

This is it.

Where are you supposed to go buy a beer now?

I heard they want to tear this down and turn this place into a memorial park.

Goddamn it!

Is that what it all boils down to? A fucking memorial park?

That's one way to live forever.

I'd like to live forever, but only for a little while.

Spab, you are so full of shit.

You know, you try to come off as just some guy...

but you're not just some guy.

- You've got a message. - Yeah?

What's my message?

Your message is that there is no message.

Nothing really matters.

The message is: "So Fucking What."

You keep saying it, but nobody really hears you.

I'm sorry to break the bad news to you.

I'm full of shit.

There are plenty of things that matter to me in this world.

Yeah, like what?

Like you.

There's something I keep thinking about.

Maybe even trying to explain what happened in the store is just pointless.

I mean, how do you explain something like that to somebody?

You can't.

There is one way.

You could lock them in a room for 36 days.

They might understand then.

You have to let them...

watch some people die.

Fuck it.

Let's face it, Spab...

we have this little understanding.

Nobody else knows what it's all about.

It's like a disease.

Madison Heights Syndrome.

If you don't have it...

you can never understand it.

Let's not even bother trying to explain it to anybody else.

- If you weren't in that store with us- - You can shut the fuck up right now.

Maybe Spab thought things would be the same way they always were.

I know I thought once I got out of there...

I'd just be going back to Ozell Park High on Monday morning.

Things have just been really weird since getting out of that store.

If you think about it enough, you can go nuts.

That's one of Spab's favorite lines, by the way.

Anyway, I guess I've talked enough, so it's time to meet the guy...

that made all this possible, Mr. "So Fucking What" himself, Cliff Spab.

Thank you.

So fucking what!

Standing out there on the stage of Madison Heights High...

I was suddenly knocked on my ass with this strange sort of feeling.

It wasn't just the cheering. I wasn't really sure what it was.

I just stood there looking stupid...

for what seemed like a long time trying to figure it all out.

There was nothing I could do, except wait for the chanting to die down.

But the noise only grew louder and louder.

Everything matters!

Wendy Pfister and Cliff Spab were shot this morning...

at a Madison Heights High School assembly.

Witnesses say Spab had just stepped up to the microphone...

when three shots rang out. Pfister was standing nearby.

After witnessing the shooting, hundreds of grief-stricken students...

refused to return to class, leaving the campus a virtual ghost town.

Madison Heights High School senior, Barbara B. Wyler...

was arraigned in court today...

in connection with the shooting of Wendy Pfister and Cliff Spab...

Why did you fire the first shot?

Are you a friend of Cliff Spab?

Babs Wyler was a perpetrator of violence and a dangerous reactionary.

The American people rest assured...

that all the resources of this office...

will be used to make sure that Babs Wyler...

...the National Scholastic Merit award for her essay, "Everything Matters".

It's about a new generation of youngsters, who take total responsibility...

for everything they say, do and feel.

This is about the First Amendment.

What Babs did was an act of symbolic free speech.

The issue here is whether you should punish a brilliant, gifted young woman...

for bringing the message of responsibility, hope and optimism to the world.

I don't think so.

...where dozens of protesters are staging an all-night vigil...

...we have watched with fascination, a straight-A student, Barbara "Babs" 'Wyler...

an anything-but-ordinary young American...

has been catapulted from suburban obscurity...

to international fame.

Tonight, in a live interview from Madison Heights County Jail...

we will learn all about Babs' philosophy for a new age. '

a philosophy in which everything matters.

Those are the words of Barbara "Babs" Wyler...

the courageous young woman we have come to care about so deeply.

Babs has been through more in the past few weeks...

than most of us will experience in a lifetime.

But she has retained her dignity...

refusing to be reduced to the level of her detractors.

When she emerged from her terrible ordeal, she found herself strengthened...

and her "Everything Matters" philosophy intact.

In short, Babs Wyler has been transformed...

from a typical American teenager into an atypical American phenomenon.

Tonight, for the first time, we'll get to spend an hour with Babs...

in the privacy of her own home.

Babs, what are your impressions of Cliff Spab?

I must be very careful of what I say about Cliff Spab.

- But why? - Because-

- Hey, Wendy. - Spab.

- How about another beer? - How about a bag of gumnuts?

How about a stale burrito?

How about some 3-in-1 Oil for your folding chair?

How about a bath in the sink?

How about a song?

Are we getting married or what?

Hey, guy, you fucking know it.