Original subtitles

As the official party planner for your birthday...

Hmm. Well, I've taken the liberty

of putting together some potential themes.

We could do glam rock, Super Mario Bros,

the Roaring Twenties.

Clams. Clams!

What? Where? On... On me?

Langley's getting an Awww Shucks.

What's that?

Awww Shucks is a fast-food chain

with the best fried clams in the world.

And they're served in their own shell.

Oh! And they have this sauce...

Special Sauce.

It's so beloved,

people have literally been buried with it.

And we're talking living people.

People who just wanna be alone in the dirt with the sauce.

Well, if my best friends love it,

I'm sure I'll love it too.

When do I get to slurp up my first clam?

Sorry. Gross. Knew it as soon as I said it.

The grand opening is tomorrow.

- Hey, what's that? - I'm planning Toshi's birthday party.

Is he still calling it his quinceanera?

Yes. And I don't know how to ask why

without sounding racist.

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Ah!

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

These clams must be amazing.

Is that Bruce Springsteen in line?

Yeah. The Boss is a huge Shucker.

And watch this.

Shucks for you! Shucks for me!

♪ At Awww Shucks we're all clam-ily ♪

Taking a selfie with the Secret Sauce tank

is another rite of passage.

And the tank is actually full of real sauce. Look.

Excuse me, sir.

Please keep away from the sauce tank.

It's a violation of rule number 47B.

Customers are only allowed one sauce squirt per clam.

I don't like you.

Um, sir, who are you?

The name's Matt M.

Another Matt works here too.

Assistant manager of store number 52.

Shucks is my religion,

the employee manual is my bible,

and this is my sermon.

One sauce squirt per clam, my son.

You guys are the experts.

What should I get?

There's a secret menu too.

Seaweed Style, Barnacle Style.

And if you say, "Clam me," they...

Clam me!

Thank you.

You need to take your very first bite

on the Clam Throne.

- Well? - Yeah.

They're...

fine.

I mean, they're finally in my mouth,

and I couldn't be happier?

Come on.

Heads up. Clamboni coming through.

What the hell is going on?

This is the coldest reception the Clamboni has ever gotten.

And I've driven this thing into a church.

Mail's here!

That's Mr. Miner's mail.

Who... is Mr. Miner?

The guy who lived here before us.

We've been getting his mail ever since we moved in.

Why don't you just throw it away?

And commit a federal crime?

I have two strikes.

And I'm saving the third for when the King Tut exhibit comes back to town.

You should find Mr. Miner and give him his mail.

He probably misses it.

Oh, find him? No sweat.

I'll just run his mail

through a CIA profiling machine

and create a detailed profile we can track.

Wait. What if I run his mail

through a CIA profiling machine

and create a detailed profile we can track?

Could that work?

Jeff, I wouldn't have said it twice

if I didn't think it could work.

_

Great. It's spreading.

Steve, you gotta give Shucks another chance.

You must've had a bad bite. We made you a better bite.

Mm.

Yum-yummity-yum-yum-yummers.

All right!

There's a Shucker born every minute.

Fee-fi-fo-fum.

I smell something nasty in locker 211.

Open her up, Chappy.

Fine. I'll admit it! I don't like Shucks.

Do what you must. Tar and feather me.

Put my head and hands through whatever you call that big wooden thing.

It's okay that clams aren't your jam, buddy.

If you don't like 'em, don't eat 'em.

Really? That's great.

I was worried you guys were gonna exclude me, or... or shun me, or...

I believe the word you're looking for is ostracize.

And "that big wooden thing" is called a pillory.

And now the machine will make a visual profile of Mr. Miner

based on the data from his mail.

So Miner is super jacked?

Well, he does subscribe to Muscle Madness fitness magazine.

And the Hawaiian shirt?

Well, that's either his Jimmy Buffett Fan Club membership

or his coupons from Trader Joe's.

Okay. Then how do you explain the big pirate hat?

The library keeps sending him overdue book notices for Treasure Island.

So, how do we find this junk mail hunk?

The tracking machine's compiling his profile data,

and now we print the results.

Whoops. I just sent it to the 3D printer by mistake.

The CIA has a 3D printer?

Yeah. We also have a coffee maker.

Does that blow you away?

So, what's the theme of this party?

Lame bullshit nobody likes?

It's classic literature come to life.

There's an Of Mice and Men rabbit-petting room.

A Scarlet Letter room where we all shame Toshi as an adulteress.

And a room full of monitors

where we can watch all the other rooms like 1984.

- No Batman room? - Literature, Klaus.

Comic books are books, Steve.

Happy birthday, Toshi.

Step into this house

and step into the required reading of our grade.

I won't spoil all the surprises, but the big finale

is we all take a hot air balloon ride together

like Around the World in Eighty Days.

Oh, no.

My grandma just died.

Oh, gosh. That's terrible.

I need to go plan her funeral.

Holy cow. My grandma died too.

She was in a duel with Barry's grandma

and they shot each other at the same time.

Wait. What?

I don't get it, Klaus. What happened?

Of course.

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday.

They had their own party and didn't invite me?

Billy went to a party?

And lied about it?

He told me he couldn't go grave-robbing

because he had to study for a Spanish quiz.

Can't believe my stupid friends

ditched me for stupid clams.

I hate Awww Shucks.

Steve, I'm loving this dark turn you're taking.

You're giving off major Joker vibes,

the Joaquin Phoenix version.

Cast out from society

for not absolutely loving clams.

Couldn't help but overhear.

I hate Shucks too.

When they opened next to Sub Hub,

parking got so bad I have to skate 25 minutes to work.

You skateboard?

Please. I've been shredding the gnar

since Tony Hawk was Tony Egg.

Why can't my friends see how terrible that place is?

Look. All restaurants are secretly gross.

At Sub Hub, we call it "shaved turkey"

because we scrape mold off each morning with a razor blade.

You wanna take down Shucks?

Get a job there and dig up dirt.

I'm gonna say it. Radical.

This 3D-printed Mr. Miner looks hot as hell,

but we're no closer to getting rid of his mail.

Huh, he's got a switch.

Hello, current occupant.

We'll pay cash to buy your home.

Surprisingly sexy voice.

Dear Virginia Gas & Electric customer,

installing solar panels can save you hundreds on your bill.

Wait. He's just saying nonsense like a hot dummy.

Actually, it's yes-sense.

He's saying, "Hello," but he only knows words from his mail.

You're pre-approved already.

See? He's telling me I'm right.

If this guy knows all the info in Mr. Miner's mail,

we can use him to find the real Miner.

Oh, good. Stan.

We haven't seen you in weeks.

You're supposed to be overseeing the drone strike

on that Afghan terrorist bunker.

Yeah, well, I'm doing this instead, okay?

This is a clam.

God's little miracle.

It's hard as hell on the outside,

but that's why it's so goshdang tender on the inside.

Now, the secret to shucking clams is...

Ow! The secret is... Ow!

The secret... Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Just give me the damn knife.

Taking the initiative.

I like that.

Time to dig up some dirt and bring this place down.

A-ha! Rat droppings.

A major health code violation.

Damn it.

These are droppings from the super-fresh clams.

If there's one thing I know,

it's the smell of underwater poops.

Maybe there's nothing wrong with their food.

But every fast-food chain screws over their employees.

Whoa! Shucks workers get a month of paid vacation.

And their retirement plan is a 402(K),

one better than usual.

There's no dirt anywhere.

Maybe this place is perfect and I'm the problem.

Maybe my friends are right.

Wh-What's wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you, Steve.

It's society.

You're a terrific kid.

You should just poison the clams.

That's what the Joker would do...

Shut up about the Joker, Klaus!

- Yow! - Uh-oh. I know that sound.

Minor flesh wound.

Manual says you got ten minutes to clean it and cream it.

First aid kit's in my office. Clock starts now.

Stop looking for the first aid kit, Klaus.

I want it to get infected,

like society has been infected by these clam-lovers.

Again, loving the darkness, Steve.

And if we're looking for dirt, I think we're getting warmer.

It's a keypad lock, and we don't know the password. Unless...

Yep, the password is "clams."

Of course the password is "clams."

Attention, Shuckers.

I've learned information I feel obligated to share.

Turns out,

the Special Sauce you all love so much

is just mayo and tartar sauce.

Leave it to Shucks

to make the ordinary extraordinary.

Am I the only one

who hasn't been brainwashed by this place?

I feel like I'm going insane.

Yes. That's total Joker talk.

I'm not the frickin' Joker!

Steve!

Joker, Joker, Joker!

Stop him. That much exposure

to the toxic preservative in Special Sauce

will drive him insane.

My Special Sauce is toxic?

Just a smidge,

but it's neutralized by a natural chemical in clams.

- Is he gonna be okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.

After that much sauce exposure,

he just needs to eat 100 pounds of clams

in the next 24 hours, or he'll go insane forever.

That shouldn't be a problem. He likes clams, right?

_

All right, 3D-printed Mr. Miner,

tell us where real Mr. Miner lives

so we can dump off all this damn mail.

Voter registration address for Mr. A. Miner.

416 Cherry Street.

I know where that is!

Yeah. That's our house, Jeff.

That's where his mail's been going.

He's gotta be getting these huge muscles from somewhere.

Maybe he goes to a gym?

Credit card transaction.

June fifth, Chimdale Fitness Club.

He lives in Chimdale.

Nobody drives to that craphole just to use a gym.

Mr. Miner, what kind of car do you drive?

It's time to renew auto insurance

on your yellow 2005 Nissan Rogue.

We got him. Let's roll.

Mmm...

What the heck?

Oh!

Good morning, boys and girls.

Your teacher's indisposed.

So your substitute's here to teach you a little lesson.

Snot, Barry, Toshi,

please remove the items I've taped under your desks.

Now, if I may direct your attention out the window,

you'll see your beloved

Awww Shucks eating establishment.

And you'll notice two hot air balloons above it.

Neat. Balloons!

Not just balloons, Barry, a dilemma.

Neat. Dilemma balloons!

The basket of one balloon

is filled with every single clam

from the Shucks kitchen below.

And in the other balloon

are all three of your grandmas,

who turned out to be miraculously alive.

And, uh-oh,

I know all about Toshi's little clam party too.

- Steve, we can explain... - I'll do the explaining.

The remote control has a "Save Clams" button

and a... "Save Grams" button.

You can only press one.

And when you do, the other balloon will be cut loose

and float away forever!

The grandmas are old, the clams are young.

The choice is clear.

If God wanted us to save grandmas,

he wouldn't have given us clams.

Why so serious, boys?

Worried your little friends will turn on you

if you don't choose the clams?

Well, welcome to my world!

Awesome!

I thought you'd be more of a Jack Nicholson Joker,

but this whole twisted moral dilemma thing

is very Heath Ledger.

Steve, buddy, the sauce is making you crazy.

Uh-uh-uh.

Pick a balloon, or I let both go.

Clams, clams, clams, clams.

Toshi, you know I hate to go against a chant, but save the grandmas.

Aw, say bye-bye to your precious mollusks, kiddies.

And you have Snot, Barry and Toshi to blame.

The scary clown's right.

They ruined everything.

Well, look at that.

Your friends walked out on you.

You might even say

you've been ex-clam-unicated.

Oh, no. Look.

What's wrong?

Never seen a clam bake before?

The flavor is explosive.

Great timing.

This is fun.

♪ I killed Shucks ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I'm dancing on its grave ♪

Look what you've done.

No, it can't be.

- _ - Clamboni.

No!

Steve, we're sorry.

Nobody at school will talk to us anymore.

Oh, they clammed up on you

because you were being shellfish?

We're glad you burned it down.

In fact, we think you should burn them all down.

With our help.

Burn down every Shucks.

I love it.

Only question is where to start.

We start where it started.

The original restaurant in Ocean City, Maryland.

How poetic.

The birthplace of Shucks

becomes the deathplace of Shucks.

There it is!

Yellow Nissan Rogue.

Hello?

Hi.

Um, does your son live here?

'Cause we've been getting a Mr. Arnold Miner's mail

for, like, 20 years.

I'm sorry.

Arnie was my husband.

He passed several years ago.

Today is our anniversary.

Tell her you'd do it all over again with the perfect anniversary gift.

Arnie? Is that you?

Every kiss begins with Kay.

It is you.

Oh, Arnold, you've returned to me.

Thank you.

Now, if you don't mind,

Mr. and Mrs. Miner

have several years of lovemaking to catch up on.

Destroy everything.

I hope these mother [BLEEP]

have insurance!

Enough with the appetizer.

I'm hungry for the main course.

Hello. I'd like to order an entire restaurant burned to the ground.

Drop these babies in the deep fryer

and your order will be complete.

The beating heart of Shucks.

And I feel a heart attack coming on.

Snot, the M-80s, please.

I'm afraid I can't.

We're not really here to burn down Shucks.

We're here to save you.

The Special Sauce turned you into a monster.

That's why we lured you here.

It's the only place with enough clams.

Enough clams to what?

To neutralize the toxic sauce.

I should've known!

You still care more about Shucks than me.

We're doing this because we care about you.

_

_

_

_

_

Ow, my head.

Steve, we're sorry.

If we didn't ditch you for clams,

this never would've happened.

And I'm sorry I jeopardized our friendship

with arson and light vandalism.

Honestly, after what we've been through,

I never wanna see another clam again.

As weird as it may sound,

I've kinda developed a taste for them.

In fact, clam me.

Delicio...

Bye, bye! See you soon!

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com