Original subtitles

- Who's that one? - What happened?

Nothing, just another guy who saw flying saucers.

MEMORIALS NO. 7

To Her Majesty the Queen Elizabeth of England, to Nikita Krushov Prime Minister of Soviet Union, to Lyndon Johnson..

President of United States, to His Holiness Paolo VI and to all the other chiefs of State for their information

THE FLYING SAUCER

and in order of appearance

These Memorials contain a set of documents proving irrefutably the appearing

of flying saucers in the Municipality of Carpeneto Veneto. Moreover,

here's an attached copy of a Message I was given personally by martians for

the great chiefs of State. The Carabinieri's Sergeant Vincenzo Berruti

- Flying saucers on sky at Carpeneto Veneto

- A bricklayer from Carpeneto sees a flying saucer?

On February 1960 I, the undersigned, was as a Carabinieri's Sergeant at the Municipality...

...of Carpeneto Veneto, a village of 2000 citizens about, mostly dedicated to agriculture.

People had been talking about flying saucers for a long time,

but the only ones who saw them were pitchmen, midwifes...

...drunk peasants, anyway all persons dedicated to night life,

vagrancy and begging.

But at night of 25th February a fire of a farm,

linked to mysterious and inexplicable events...

...called to newspapers, radio and even TV.

...I got a backache, oh my God what a backache!

Oh my God what a bellyache!

Oh my God what a backache! Oh my God what a bellyache!

Fire!

Here we come to this wonderful area of Veneto's countryside...

...for our TV program and after the exceptional events occurred a night ago...

...just to approach and hear about what happened live from witnesses' voices...

Here we are, let's stop for a while. Madam?

- Huuuuh? - Madam, please where did martians land?

Everywhere, in the middle of fields...a stink...

A turning ball of fire, then it became orange,

then it stopped, then it became a triangle.

It flied above the bell tower, they seemed flying saucers,

in short like soup plates.

- What kind of soup? - A soup of beans.

I want to go to Rome.

- Tell me, did you see a flying saucer? - A flying saucer? Yes, it landed on a lawn...

...with no noise, it came down from the sky..

onto the middle of grasslands like the cows.

- And were you scared? - No. - Well done!

Now we're listening to the voices of this people, some impressions, here's a lady who is stopping probably for shopping...

- Madam, what did you see? - I never hurted anyone, I'm not afraid,

so anyone who has a clear conscience is never afraid of anything.

- They come from billions kilometres far away, but,

excuse me, by which fuel? - Indeed! By which fuel?

Let's hear a voice of a writer, an intellectual, a poet of this village.

- I beg you pardon? - Speak.

My name is Dario Marsicano, I'm a telegraph operator, I wrote 11 comedies not yet played and...

-...3 inedited novels... - Well done. -...in province there're writers of great value...

-...who are boycotted by the usual Moravia and Pasolini at Rome. - That's right.

- Do I have to repeat? - No, thanks, it's enough. - Thank you.

Let's listen to the mayor of the village now.

Roads, bridges, coaches, hotels to give rise to tourism...

...to make money move all around, because if money circulates

for the rich man, it can circulate for the poor man as well...

...and stop these chit-chats harming tourism. - Absolutely. Thank you, sir mayor. - You're welcome.

- Here's the mayor's wife. - Ehm...well... - Chin up, speak...

- Well... - Go ahead. - Well...if someone has a deep religious feeling and a frank attachment to family...

...such things cannot be seen and even be conceived, true?

Amongst our several interviews, the one with the priest couldn't be missed, the clergyman of this village...

...a poor and simple priest, don Giuseppe, a clergyman so loved by his parishioners...

...that's him, Don Giuseppe. Tell me, what do you think of these appearings which, as you can see, upset the weather...

- It's raining. -...and perhaps your parishioners' consciences too.

Also His Eminence the Bishop uses to say to me every time:

"Don't believe that, don Giuseppe, since martians don't exist,...

...don't be afraid, the devil disguises himself into many forms, as a woman, as a rabbit". Let's be sociable and...

-...have a glass of wine. - So do you like wine, don't you? - I cannot deny it.

- But I was told you use to hang out in the inn very often. - Our Lord Jesus Christ used to say every time:

- "Let's keep in touch with people" and where do people use to go here? To inn.

- See you, now I go and see my parishioners. - Are you going to manse? - No, no, to inn. Jesus Christ be praised.

As a country doctor, I'd say these are oneiric fantasies, daydreams, created by subconscious and exploding into...

...collective psychosis, let's admit the truth, people use to drink too much: grappa, wine, all the stuff in short.

Now it's enough, I don't speak anymore, I don't speak anymore, what the hell!

- What did you see? - I don't know anything. - Really nothing?

I don't care. Absolute madness.

- How do you figure them? - There's a lot of vulgarity and violence in this world...

...and instead they are so kind.

- Here's the countess Crosara. - Peasants have a lot of claims, they want to eat meat every week and...

...they no longer respect the owners and they use to steal everything...

-...so you can imagine who they blame, the martians. - It's an opinion.

Mom, please let me speak in front of TV too. Do you allow it, Mazzarella?

Well, I suppose these weird and odd beings are sexless and they are trying to get in touch with us by their little antennas...

-...but they are hindered... - Mazzarella, Mazzarella, don't pay attention to my son, he's half a moron.

Our province is nice and full of oxygen and stop with these ugly things coming from Rome.

- Let's go on with our investigation in a poorer area, here's an isolated farmhouse,... - Mom, mom...

...a woman running off with her children... madam, why are you running off, madam, don't be afraid of our microphone, come here...

...make some statements, come on, madam, tell us about these mysterious appearings...

- I'm just a widow with 7 sons and a pig! - But did you ever see the martians?

- And how much do you pay for this interview? - Nothing, come on...

- Aah, my guess was right. - Well, stop it now.

- Excuse me, please where are the Carabinieri's headquarters? - But I didn't commit anything.

- Yeah, I know that, but the Carabinieri? - Carabinieri are on this way.

Ah, thank you, let's go.

- Are you the sergeant? - May I speak?

I don't consider appropriate to investigate since we didn't receive any report from private citizens...

...and from public authorities, anyway, as I repeat, I don't speak out because this thing isn't of my responsibility.

And it isn't of my responsibility because neither martians neither flying saucers are of our responsibility.

Good, well said, good, Sergeant, very free and easy...

It's not a matter of being free and easy, it's enough to have clear ideas and some very accurate things to tell...

- Sergeant, there's a call for you. - Ok. - You need to be free and easy.

- Hello, I'm the sergeant Berruti. - Listen, sergeant, what are you telling on TV?

- That the thing isn't of our responsibility, commander. - But how could it be otherwise?

Anything that happens inside your area is of your responsibility. This is an embarassing thing for me on TV!

- Start to investigate immediately. - All right, commander, if you order me that, I'm investigating immediately.

That's right, start immediately an enquiry, investigate, keep track of events and send me a report on the situation every day.

Sure, I agree, commander.

Goodbye to everybody.

- I was feeding a calf by candle-light... -...by candle-light...

...at a certain point I heard something like a sound of an organ, I went out here and I saw a flying saucer there...

Where exactly?

- Where? - There.

- How big it was? - 12 meters x 6, a totally silver one.

- 12 meters x 6, a totally silver one. Go ahead, child. - Then a flying saucer's door was opened...

-...and a Chinese guy came down. - How did that Chinese guy dress?

Nylon bootlegs till this point, a close-fitting totally leather girdle, a helmet on head and red tango boots.

A helmet on head and red tango boots.

- Were you afraid? - Not at all, or better, I liked him.

- And what did that Chinese guy do to you? - He held me and said to me: "Don't love your father and your mother".

So there. The child, asked a question, replies: "He held me and said to me: "Don't love your father and your mother". Go ahead.

Then he went down that way through the grassland, do you see there are still some marks?

- Did you ever have other apparitions? - Yes, I saw Holy Mary a year ago.

Yeah, Fantuzzi, let's go!

5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12... Sergeant, here's where the flying saucer landed.

- 1, 2 and 3, triangle-shaped. - And the martian? - The martian came down here and he went that way.

So we have only to follow the track. Fantuzzi, let's go.

Here's me coming to find you out.

This is the track the child talked about, come on, follow me.

Mah, what should I say to you, mom? I have no longer been standing that sergeant since he grew such a big moustache.

What is that sergeant doing inside our own property?

Come on, mom, why such a question? You know perfectly the reason.

They are looking for the martians, no?

And these ones?! Look how nice are these new carabinieri who have been sent here recently, how young!

Momi, stop it, give up looking at the carabinieri, and get ready because your girlfriend is coming.

Hum! What's that girlfriend of mine coming here for? I hate her.

Here we are on a fork, the track is forking. The first one went this way, the second one that way.

- The child told us there was only a martian. - Maybe he splitted in two.

Come on, stop these useless comments. Four of you, follow this track, me and Fantuzzi the other one, we're meeting at headquarters at high noon.

- See you later, sergeant. - Let's go, Fantuzzi. - Walk on in a single file.

Be careful with that cow.

- And they separated another time at this point. - So, we ought to separate too.

- Two this way and two that way. - But how many are they? - I don't know, it's hard to understand now.

- Fantuzzi, what happened? - Nothing, don Giuseppe has fallen down his moped.

One day I'll shove him in prison.

Here I am, what a smack.

The loaf, here's it.

- Oh my God, what a bad beast, a torment of my life! - Mom, the Carabinieri!

- Excuse us, mrs Vittoria, where have you been this night at a quarter past 22? - I were at Montecarlo's casino to gamble...

-...away my millions lire left. - Have you been paid a visit by somebody?

- A visit? - A guy with red boots and a helmet on head.

- But are you looking for martians at my home? - Anyway, if you sight a suspicious guy, come and inform us at our headquarters.

Yes, yes, ok, come on, if I find out a martian, I'll hand over him just to you, holy cow, there's even the story of a martian now!

...despite everything we need a meaning for our life and now I know we've to hoist the sails and to catch the destiny's...

...winds, to give life a meaning can lead you to madness but a meaningless life is a torment of an endless unease and of a vain...

-...desire, it's a ship longing for sea and yet... - Now stop with these things, call me sleazy and filthy...

Sleazy and filthy.

- I'm so sorry... - Did you recognize me? - Huh no, mr accountant...

- And the lady? - Maybe, but I haven't been looking at her enough.

- He's the accountant working on telegraph, but who is she? - Maybe I may be wrong, but she's the major's...

...wife, according to what I saw.

- Good morning, madam. - Good morning, sergeant, I was waiting for you.

Please, come in.

- Please, take a seat. - Thank you, mrs Meneghello.

Excuse me for the question, mrs Meneghello, it's a mere formality, have you been at home yesterday evening since half past 21 to 22 o'clock?

- Yes, I was at home... - Alone? - Alone.

Mrs Meneghello...since half past 21 to 22 o'clock...go ahead...

I repeat, it was half past 21, I was sitting down here and I was listening to "Stellina"...

- Do you know "Stellina"? - Who is "Stellina"? - A song, may I start the record?

I've been listening to it for 20 times today probably.

- What's up? - Do not disturb me, don't you see I'm talking?

- Where can I resume my talk? - You were listening to "Stellina", go ahead.

- I came closer to a window... - And what did you see? - There was a martian, completely naked...

...and he walked slowly through the orchard. - Mrs Meneghello, since this being, not yet well identified, came here naked...

-...could you tell me which was his sex? - Male, he was a male. - Are you sure he was a man?

- Certaaaainly he was a man! - Maria, shame on you!

What are you doing? Have you smarted my hand?

- That's enough, mrs Meneghello, many thanks and goodbye. - Sergeant, the timber yard is mine...

...my father was the owner, they want me to be taken for a fool, yes, he agreed, all the heads of the village agreed...

-...to keep such a thing hidden... - Yes, where's the way out from here?

- Come here, be quiet. - Be careful, sergeant!

- What kind of disease is? - Help, help... - It's a classic neurosis by transference...

- Mmm, by a transfer, you said? - Since she was a child, she felt in love with her father, then she married a coarse man...

...in which she didn't find her father, so during those crises, which Freud defines as daydreams,...

...she sees the naked martian as an ideal man, a father and a lover at the same time.

And he becomes a demigod by transference, infact he comes down from the sky to love and protect her.

- And why did she speak at TV? - Tell me who wouldn't like to speak at TV, me too! - I spoke at TV too!

- Thank you, doctor, and goodbye. - People use to drink too much, that's the truth. - Let's go, Fantuzzi.

- Did something serious happen, sergeant? - Yes, my hand was smarted.

When asked, he replies: "She sees the martian as a lover and a husband who came to protect her and she wants to...

...speak at TV as well as all the people in province, therefore we've to suppose that the barn was burnst off by a fall of a candle...

...and that the child invented a flying saucer in order to escape from a punishment by her parents, well known as...

...rough and violent persons. The above mentioned mrs Meneghello, moreover, asserts that the flying saucer with the martian is...

...coming back again this night. - Is it coming back again? - Signed Sergeant Vincenzo Berruti.

Good evening to everybody, Jesus Christ be praised.

Hey, do you want to hear the last news? They wrote a letter, a letter to His Eminence the Bishop...

...an anonymous letter...

-...because I use to go to inns every evening... - Chin up, don Giuseppe. - Thank you, just to appreciate.

- To everybody's health, just to appreciate, no bad blood. - Cheers.

- To everybody's health! - Cheers.

But if you don't come and pay me a visit to the parish church, how can I tell you a soothing word?

- To your health! - Cheers. - To everybody's health...

...and let's care for each other...

Also in America people use to drink a lot, the Russian man uses to drink too, the rich man drinks whiskey, the poor man...

...drinks a glass of wine, it's healthy, and don't criticize a lot...

- Ace, horse and king: it's all ours. - Sir major? - Tell me, mr accountant.

- Would you like to replace me? - With pleasure. - Just for half a hour about.

Have a good game.

- Sir major, I'm leaving but I'm coming back soon. - You can leave untroubledly.

Thank you.

- Hem, sir major, don't let me lose. - I'll do my best.

I'm leaving, I'm going away, I go and pay a dead man a visit, good night sir major, good night sergeant, good night everybody.

Jesus Christ be praised, good night. It's raining.

Good thing that he left.

Here's an ace of diamonds.

The light has turned off. A match, please.

It's nine thirty three. Here we are one more time.

Only when your husband replaces me on playing cards, you're here together with me, but one day I'll escape with you...

-...I'll take you to Paris, Montmartre, Le Pigalle, Chevalier... -...and a large soft bed... - Yes.

- And I will have a lot of plumes... - Yes. - And the carpets on the floor... - Yes.

I'm fed up with meeting you along the walls, behind the hedges and into a ditch.

- What to do? Do we stop here? - No, come on, people use to pass through here.

Let's go further.

What a life.

- Well, why did you stop? - Me? It stopped by itself. - Mmmmm, what a dodger!

- You're so cunning, cunning, cunning! - I swear, Dolores, it stopped by itself.

- Do you want us to do it here, right now? - Be quiet and still, first I'm going to tell you...

...that poem you enjoy...and now I know we've to hoist the sails and to catch the destiny's winds...

...to give life a meaning can lead you to madness but a meaningless life is a torment of an endless unease and of a vain...

-...desire, it's a ship longing for sea, yet... - Call me sleazy and filthy because I like it more.

- Sleazy and filthy, sleazy and filthy... - Call me again this way, call me again this way!

What a gorgeus sexy leg!

Holy cow, what a bad weather.

That's right.

It stopped by itself.

That's right.

The electric part is no longer working.

It never happened.

Hey, who is calling me?

Tell me!

Here they are coming.

Our Father who art in Heaven, Hollowed be thy name...

Holy mackerel.

Holy mackerel.

Come on, move, do something you too, come on.

- Hurry up, my husband will be already at home. - There's a stable over there, wait for me here.

- Oh my God, I lost the bra. - I've it into my pocket.

If there's a peasant, he can give us a push. Is there anybody?

I need help.

Peasants!

Who, what is it?

Here's it, here's the flying saucer.

I can see it, it's warm, it's warm...

Amazing...

How nice!

No, no...be quiet...

My umbrella, pardon.

What's up?

- The flying saucer... - Let's go away, come on... - The flyiiinng saaauceeer...

Can you hear it, can you hear it?

There's the flying saucer...

Shut up!

Who are you? Are you martians? Or do you come from other planets far away billions, billions and billions kilometres?

- Take a pity on me, I'm a mother, I've got a child 6 years old... - Shut up, don't interrupt...

I know you're superior beings, did you come down from the sky to help or to punish us?

- Don't punish me, I've been a victim of senses. - Shut up! Why should they care of your senses?

- So, speak only you who always know everything. - Can you hear me? There's a lot of injustice in this world, agriculture is in a crisis everywhere...

...black peoples are getting into a tizzy, women are restless and are claiming their rights, there's a lot of injustice in the art too...

...I wrote 13 social comedies and they've been always refused by envy, if you want I've a list of bad guys you have to punish...

...it's me who had this great honour, you came down from the sky and chose me to bring a message to human kind...

-...I'm telling you humbly I'm worthy of that... -...forgive me, forgive me...I'll be more spiritual, I've been a victim of senses...

Oh my God, they're communicating... Morse code, yeah, I'm a telegraph operator, I understand your signals, please go ahead...

- What are they saying? Tell me, tell me... - Yes, a dash, a dot, a dot, a dash... - Shut up, don't interrupt, they're communicating, a dash, a dot...

Come! Come back tomorrow!

Mom, mom, mom, mom! The pig! Mom, mom, the pig,

..the pig! There's a thief, mom, mom, the pig! - The pig!?

Holy mackerel! What a torment with this pig! I've to decide..

to make him sleep together with us, otherwise I'll get mad...

Where's my jacket?

Holy mackerel! If only we could have a man, even a moron, but a man!

To protect us from thieves, holy mackerel! It's always the same story!

How many anxieties, how many pains to live 4 days long like a beast!

Such ugly scoundrels!

Hey, are you there?

How bastard they are to attack a lonely and even helpless woman!

Who's there?

Take this!

Damn! This is a martian.

How tall!

Damn! How heavy!

- That's the Boogeyman! - I caught a martian.

- Here I am. Now he's safe. - Did you kill him?

No, I just hit his head by a shovel. How oddly this martian smells.

Everybody sit down around here, just listen carefully to what your mother is telling you.

People all over the world are talking about martians, everybody is looking for them, but nodoby saw them...

-...only your mother could catch and keep safe one martian, ok? - And what to do now that he has been kept safe?

- What to do with the martian? Well, if they want him, they'll give us millions of millions of millions, so we'll get a house,...

-...dresses, shoes, food and all the things we need, did you understand? Huh? - Why don't we take him to Carabinieri?

Because government requisitions and doesn't pay.

Or if it pays, it uses to be late to do it.

Nobody must know that there's a treasure inside that room, understood, huh?

That's right and now answer to my questions: if someone asks you if there's a martian in your home, what do you reply?

If they put you in jail with a bread-and-water diet, if they torture...

...your flesh by red-hot irons, what do you reply?

- Mom, it's the priest. - Holy cow. Stay here and

don't open that door because, if he comes round,...

...he fulminates all of us, understood? That's right! Holy cow, we wouldn't need the priest too!

- Vittoria, Vittoria? - Who's there? - It's me, don Giuseppe.

- This evening I'm not going to open my door to anybody. - Here're some shoes I've found for you.

- But who is the owner? - A dead man. - Ah, I hope they may fit.

Try on them.

- They'll keep you warm. - Ah, you've been bringing bigger and bigger shoes to me recently.

- Put a piece of cardboard inside them. - But how are you this evening? You're totally distraught.

- I've got a temperature and rheumatic pains and I had even some bad visions.

- It might be some glasses of wine in addition.

- It never happened to me so far but I've been afraid this evening. - That's right, have a restful sleep...

-...and tomorrow morning you're feeling better. - The children? - Mom, he has woken up!

- Who did wake up? - No, nothing, nobody, go to bed, don Giuseppe, it's better.

- Who is he? - You'd better to go to bed, good night. - Thank you, goodbye and good night.

- Ah, thank you. - You're welcome, you're welcome. - Hey, don Giuseppe, if I become...

-...a millionaire tomorrow, I won't need shoes from you anymore. - I wish, Vittoria, I'll be pleased with you...

...becoming a millionaire. - Good night and thank you once again. - Give a kiss to your children.

Poor Vittoria, she has lost her head too this evening, poor woman...

No, it's not for me.

My poor mom used to say...

Here's him, I've seen him...

The martian eats and drinks together with the children,

I must refer that to the Bishop, I've to go immediately...

...the martian...I've to hear the Bishop's words about that...

- Have you heard what Verona team did? - No, what they did? - They lost the match 2-0 at home.

- While you were away, we've won 2 games and drawn another one. - Fine. - It's your turn.

It's your turn, sergeant.

- I'm feeling bad...I'm feeling bad! - Let's help him to breathe, come on, mr accountant, let's untie his necktie...

- Mr accountant, what's up with you? - I saw it! - What did you see?

- Come on, mr accountant, come on. - I touched it by my own hands. - Let's take him outside.

- It was warm! - What was warm? - Be quiet, mr accountant.

- The flying saucer! - Hold him tight. - Where did you see it?

- Close to a grassland, near the Storta bridge...I saw it, they're going to land... - Be careful with his head, be quick, come on...

- The martians! I want to go to Rome! - So you'll compromise your future... - They told me that...

- Hello, Fantuzzi, the accountant has got mad, come here immediately. -...I've got an important message...

-...I've a witness... - Who's that witness? - It's Dolores. - My wife?

- Yeah, your nice lady was together with me. - How ugly filthy woman!

- The car, the car! - Dolores, my love, my great and immense love!

- Let's go to hospital...hurry up otherwise he'll get totally mad...to hospital! - Dolores, I was forced...

- You're hurting me... - No, I don't want to hurt you. - Yes, you're hurting me.

- Dolores... - There isn't Dolores. -...take me away from here.

- And the flying saucer? - I saw it by my own eyes! - Tell that you didn't see it!

- Yeeah, I saw it! - So, tell me, how was that flying saucer? - Large, a silver one, full-hot!

- Give him some bromide. - You're a fanatic! - Tell that you didn't see it,...

-...tell that you didn't see it, you didn't see it, you didn't see it! - And now let's get down to an electro-shock!

- You didn't see it! - Why do you want to convince me? I did see it!

- You didn't see it! - Yeah, I did see it! - Persuade yourself that you didn't see it!

- There was my lover too! - You don't have a lover. - Tell that you love your wife...

-...you don't have a lover, understood? - I do have a lover, a beautiful one, I like and I desire her, it's you who doesn't have...

-...a lover because you're ugly! - Power on! - And now tell me how the flying saucer was.

- No, no, you didn't see it... - You didn't see it, you didn't see it, you didn't see it, persuade yourself you didn't see it...

- You don't have a lover, tell that you love your wife... - You love your wife! You love your wife!

- You don't have a lover, persuade yourself! - You're a fanatic, you've to forget! - Be quiet! - Forget everything!

- Sergeant, take a look there. - What is there to look at?

- Prints of a flying saucer. - Fantuzzi, speak when you're sure.

- 1,2,3...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12. - Well, 12, so it's always the same one, just like the other times.

- Yes. If it happens to be under my rifle-range, on that occasion I'll shot it by my carbine. - Very well, Fantuzzi, do you shoot the martians?

Let's go and see if other signs are over there.

- Sergeant, little black balls have been spreaded all over here. - Where? These are olives made by a sheep!

- There's another thing here I cannot understand. - Let me take a look. - This is a bra.

- If there were martian women, huh? - What's up? Are you playing the fool? Come on, let's go.

Please, sergeant, come in.

- Good morning, madam. - Good morning. - Good morning, sergeant.

- Can I help you? - A mere formality, but pay attention and weight up well your answers.

- Where have you been yesterday evening since half past 21 to 22 o'clock? - My mother replies in my stead.

- My daughter was at home, I'm quite surprised at you asking such questions. - You, be a bit quiet.

- This under-garment, is it yours? - My mother replies in my stead.

- My daughter doesn't need such supports, thank goodness, understood? - May I talk with your daughter in private?

That's right.

- Yesterday evening you were in the accountant's car, don Giuseppe, the priest, saw you. - I deny it.

- And he heard even what you told each other... - What did we tell?

- I cannot repeat those words... - Please speak...

- The accountant recited some poems and you said... - What did I say?

"Call me sleazy and filthy because I like it".

Your lover has been taken to mental hospital, he will no longer go out if you don't affirm you saw the flying saucer together with him.

I'm a normal woman and I didn't see anything.

And moreover I'm fed up with these dreaming men, I want a normal man, a man who doesn't speak much and who makes the things, just like you...

That's enough. I'd better go away.

- Hey, where are you going? - I've to talk with mrs countess, it's an urgent thing.

Clean your shoes before coming in.

And don't walk on carpets.

Wait here, don't move.

But if you're not going to do baked-apples, what has it got to do with my mom? The party is for me.

Abound with foods because we're going to get a lot of people this evening. What's up with the cakes?

And the profiteroles?

- Castagnole and frappe. - Phew! - The countess ordered us not to do the profiteroles.

- Phew! This mom of mine! Phew! Aren't you that Vittoria Laconiglia with the children? - Yes, I am.

- How nice they are, very nice children. - Forget them, sir count. - What are you doing here Vittoria?

- I'm waiting for your mother, the countess. - Huh, come on, you too! But are you beggars doing it on purpose?

You use to come here the last day of Carnival, then we are told to treat you badly, but it's you who want to be treated badly, couldn't you come...

-...here tomorrow to grab the left-overs? - No thank you, sir count, I no longer need them, I got a stroke of luck... - It's a little bit acid, isn't it?

...I found a martian...

- And what are you going to do with him? - Well, I'm going to sell him to your mother.

Please come with me for a while, come darling, come on.

Come in.

- But also you, blessed, come on, you got a martian and you want to give him to my mom! - Whom should I sell him to?

- Whom!? Damn! You've to give him to me of course! - But, sir count, you've no money, your mother has deprived you of it.

But who the hell is telling you such things? All these things are made up by you! Yes, I'm deprived but I've got a lot of stuff indeed,...

...you know, jewels, bonds, look how nice is this trinket, that is all the stuff whose I'am the legitimate owner.

- I'm sorry, mr count, but I'd like to deal in with your mother. - You're a stubborn peasant indeed!

- Hey you, the countess is sleeping, come back here after the Carnival. - That's right. - Let's go in there, come on.

Come, darling, come on.

Come, darling, come on.

Wanda, leave us alone because I've to talk with this peasant, go in there but anyway don't tell my mom where I'm.

That bitch is gossipy, that Wanda cannot keep her mouth closed, she's my best friend.

- Take a seat, darling, sit down, please sit down...- Here? - Sit down, don't be afraid...

Come on, tell me, but why do you want to take that martian to my mom?

- They told me she can buy them. - And how much do you think she is going to pay for them?

Well, listen to me sir count, she has to pay a bunch of millions to me.

Well, you'll be unlucky with my mom about that, she uses to exploit ignorance, it's the peasants who take them to her...

...and she, such a coward, didn't let me even see them!

- And what does she use to do with them? - She uses to strangle them and to throw them down in the well.

- How poor them! - All the martians come to this bad end.

- How poor them! But why does she strangle them? - I really don't know, maybe she's afraid they come and stir up the peasants against her...

...maybe she's afraid a revolution will be raised, she did this way also during the Resistance...

- Do you remember what did she do with the partisans? - Yes, I remember, she gave them hospitality in the villa, she fed them.

Yeah, she poisoned and threw them down in the well. I hate that coward woman!

I was a partisan too! Excuse me, darling. Forget what you see, it's just a sleep strike.

- Sir count, sir count! Sir count! Sir count! Sir count! - Who is? - Have you lost consciousness? - Nothing, darling, it's just an attack,..,

-...I'm epileptic, my daddy too, would you like a bit of whiskey? - No, thanks, I don't want anything. - A candy?

No, I don't want anything, I want to deal in because I want to sell that martian as soon as possible.

- But I do buy this martian indeed, be quiet, I'm going to buy him. - Do you buy him? - Sure!

- And how much do you pay? - But, darling, you should show him to me, ok? At least his look, tell me...

-...a little more about him, how is this weird being, male or female? - Well, actually you cannot understand that well,...

-...half a man and half a woman, anyway it's more man than woman. - I'm enormously interested in them, I'm...

...interested. And tell me more, what does he do? Can he speak, transmit, can he communicate?

Well, yes sir count, he tries, he tries to communicate, he transmits some signals by his antenna...

-...but I cannot understand anything. - And what do you want to understand? You're ignorant. - Indeed.

These weird beings coming from other planets and landing on earth to communicate with us...who knows which...

...scientific secrets they're aware of, who knows, maybe they found the secret way to cure all the diseases, maybe they...

...could change the sexs, turning a man into a woman or a woman into a man, or make dogs speak, who knows? - Dogs too?

They might have discovered an elixir of a long life so that you can live for 100, 200, 2000 years, who could...

-...tell that, what do you know about that? Take this martian to me so that I'll make you rich. - May I go and take him? - Sure!

- Immediately! - Listen, do the things accurately, don't tell anything to my mom.

- I go and I'm coming back soon. - Excuse me, darling. Forget what you see. - Oh my God, mr count, one more time?

- Yes, bye, see you later. - Ok. Holy cow, I hope he's not going to pass away right now.

- Take a seat, please. - Thanks, Eminence.

- But is this woman old? - No, she's young, Eminence, poor woman, she has got 7 children and lives in a hovel.

She has got a bronchial catarrh and a brother-in-law who came out of prison, so I said to myself: "Now I'm coming in her...

...home". "No!", she said, otherwise people criticizes, criticizes...

- So you looked at the window and you saw the martian. - I saw the martian, Eminence.

- And what did the martian do? - He had got an antenna and he transmitted some messages to the children.

I don't understand your uneases, my dear son, you mightn't see well, you might make a mistake...

...I know you use to drink some glasses of wine in addition, they even referred that to me...

- I cannot deny that, Eminence, but how can someone refuse? - How can someone refuse?! Instead of going...

...for ride all over the night by your moped, stay in manse, tidy up yourself and go to bed early.

I'm suffering from insomnia and anguish, I've got rheumatic pains and palpitations at my heart...

...when I'm lying down my bed, it might be because of polenta, but I can't get any air...

You should take more care of your health and look after yourself, also your dressing.

- What? You're without a sock? - A sock? No, it's nothing, Eminence...

-...the sock slid into my shoe, I'm sorry. - I know what you need, my dear son.

- What do I need, Eminence? - A good period of rest in a healthcare home,

...just as also the doctor suggested to you.

Go, my dear.

- It's Vittoria, the beggar, together with her brother-in-law. - I knew that, when the holidays come nearer...

-...she uses to come and hold out the hat. - They are carrying something which I don't understand well.

Here, let's put the load inside here, go carefully. Please, a little bit forward.

Let's push, darling, let's push, that's right, here, in this little chapel, nobody will notice that.

- Sir count, take a look at him, take a look at him. - No, don't let me see him, oh my God.

- That's right, they're going away by the Rolls Royce. - Very well, now call immediately the sergeant.

Go slowly so that people can take a look at me.

- Sergeant... - Fantuzzi, but did Vittoria Laconiglia win the lottery?

There's a call by the countess Crosara.

Hello? Please, tell me, countess... I'm coming immediately.

- Let's go, let's go, first the youngest ones... - Come on, children.

Be quick, come on, come on.

- Vittoria, what are we going to do with the pig? - Give him to the poors of the municipality,...

-...they've the right to food too... - Vittoria, and what are we going to do with this house?

Wait, now I'm going to shown you what I'm doing with it.

- Watch out, wait. - Mom, what are you doing? - Look!

- That's done! Let'go, let's go, let's go away. - Well done, Vittoria, you did the right thing!

- Very well, the right thing is to set fire to it! - Goodbye, I will never see it again.

- Where are we going no? - Now we're going to a hotel.

Stop, stop, stop, stop! Holy cow, I forgot the most important thing.

Damn, what a smoke!

Here they are!

Stop! Halt there! Everybody get out of this car! Everybody get out!

- You, the children, too! - The carabinieri! - Out of there, get out!

- What do you want from us? - The car, the fur, the jewels, the bonds, where did you hide them?

- Come on! Get out all the stuff! - All the stuff is inside there, why?

- I must requisition everything, the countess Crosara has denounced you for fraud and con trick...

-...to the detriment of her son the count. - But which fraud and con trick? I sold a martian to him.

- The countess Crosara denies the martian's existence. - And her son?

- Mr count isn't in the full possession of his mental faculties. - But I've got a witness. - Who is he?

- Him! - It's me, it's me who took the martian personally to the count.

- Who are you? - I'm her brother-in-law. - No, no, the brother-in-law may not...

-...witness, especially you, being even recividist. - He may be recividist, but not the children, they are innocent creatures and their testimony can be...

-...of some value, isn't it? - Since they are aware of the martian's presence? - And how! They ate together with him!

- If they ate together with a martian, their testimony is decisive. - Did you listen to that? Think the...

...situation out, our home is burning, the pig has died of fright this night, we're facing a catastrophe, did you understand?

A catastrophe. Our richness or poverty depends on you, on your answer, did you understand?

- Yes. - Answer well! - Go ahead, sergeant.

Children, everything depends on you, yesterday evening there was a martian in your home?

- Fantuzzi, take the brother-in-law, I'm taking the woman... - How come!? Tell the truth, sons of a bitch!

Undress the fur, you.

- No... - What's up? -...this is mine!

- Is a count's geranium this one? - No, it's mine!

What? My brother-in-law too?

Let's go, Fantuzzi.

Let's go, come on, before they lock up all of us.

And now that we're alone in a desert, there was a martian in your home the past night?

Go to hell!

Oh my God! I set fire to my home!

I must go away because my health is not so excellent, as the doctors say.

- Goodbye Bepi. - Goodbye. - Another priest will come, a handsome...

-...and elegant one who will settle all of us. - You're right, you're right.

Some people are happy that...

...I'm leaving, there's a person criticizing and sending anonymous letters to the Bishop because...

...my shoes are broken...and our Lord Jesus Christ who walked on water without shoes and socks, poor him!

- Are we going to criticize him too? - Don Giuseppe, here's a bottle of wine. - Thank you. - Drink it to our health.

This is a gift I'm enjoying wholeheartedly. A glass of wine and eating together with friends...

...and not being taken to a clinic to heal...they're taking me to a clinic... - Don Giuseppe, are you leaving without your suitcase?

- That suitcase is useless to me, I'm bearing all that I have. - And what's inside it?

Beans, potatoes, a bit of flour, bring this stuff to that widow having 7 children, poor woman, winter is long.

Jesus Christ be praised.

Goodbye, don Giuseppe. Come back soon. - See you soon, don Giuseppe.

MASKED NIGHT PARTY

Don't obstruct the transit, pay attention, halt!

Don't obstruct the transit, pay attention, halt!

Don't obstruct the transit, pay attention, halt!

Go ahead, you! Be quiet, be quiet! Let the car pass through.

Slowly and gently, don't hurt yourselves, slowly, don't play the fool.

Be quiet, quiet. Don't hurt yourselves, be calm.

Don't play the fool, you beefy, walk away.

Come on, blonde, come with me.

Don't crowd together into the porch, walk away for a while. Be careful with the bangers.

- Good evening, lawyer. - Good evening, sergeant. - What's up with you? Aren't you feeling good?

- Listen, sergeant, I'm going to tell you a thing but I'll disown it immediately. - What do you mean? What happened?

- My car stopped at the Storta bridge ten minutes ago, and do you know what I saw? - A flying saucer. - Yes, and also I saw...

-...a little group of martians coming to the vilage. - So, who's that woman? - I told you that but I'm going to disown it, understood?

- I don't want to get troubles. - So, she isn't disguised.

- Fantuzzi, Fantuzzi, where did the martian woman go? - Here's her, sergeant.

Carabiniere, pursue that girl dressed like as a martian!

Find some information about her! Take her to our headquarters!

- Sergeant, there's a call for you. - Don't let her run away.

Now at the phone, all the things are going to happen this evening!

Hello?

At villa Crosara?

- Fantuzzi, a call from villa Crosara. - The countess? - It was anonymous. An old woman's voice.

We've caught her, she has no papers and she doesn't want to speak. Come on, get out of there. Put her in prison.

Bye bye, blond, bye.

- But, sergeant, have you a search warrant? - Fantuzzi, I'm not having good times being a sergeant at all.

I'm just doing what I can do, but I use to get at the bottom of something.

- Take and hold it. And don't move. - Ok, sergeant.

- Beatrice, dismount. - No, I don't dismount at all. - Beatrice, I'm saying to you: "Dismount".

- No, I don't dismount at all. - "Dismount", I'm saying to you. - No, because I like it.

- What's up? - Sergeant, what are you doing here?

- I'm doing some investigations. - I'm sorry but I cannot help you. - Why? Maybe it's you who should authorize me?

- Who are you? An owner or a butler? - I'm a butler. - So, accompany me to the countess...

...how dare you to call me by a touch of your finger!? Do you know I can shove you in prison?

- A drink, sergeant? - Are you playing the fool?

- May I come in? - Come in, sergeant. - Good evening, countess.

- Take a seat, sergeant. - Thank you, countess.

- She's my son's girlfriend. - I didn't know he was engaged.

- Would you like to drink a glass of wine? - Since you're just insisting, I'd like to drink half a glass.

- Tell me, sergeant, I'd like... - Thank you. -...to know which person sent you...

-...here at this hour of the night. - I received an anonymous call and so I rushed here.

Instead of going hunting ghosts inside my park and without a search warrant, why don't go to my peasants and frisk them?

- They are stealing even my shirt. - Excuse me, countess, if you're trying to frighten me, I'm telling you...

-...immediately you're not thrilling me. - No, no threats, but since we're alone and without a witness, I'm telling you...

...I can reach very high by a phone call, ok?

Sit down here, sergeant.

No, I'm not Tony.

What are you doing now?

I'm sorry but I'm not Tony.

- Are they having good times, sergeant? - Why do you take care of that? Let's go, Fantuzzi.

Sergeant, there's the commander on the phone, he has already been calling for 3 times.

- Hello? - Hello. - Yes, commander.

- Who did authorize you to enter the Crosara villa? - Has the countess already call you?

- Yes and she's right because you may not enter without a search warrant. - What to do? Must I request a search warrant?

- For which reason? - There's a naked countess on a horse, there're some women dancing together and a woman even kissed me.

- Then? - The count Momi danced a tango together with a weird being. - Who is he?

- A martian. - And how is he? - If I'm not wrong, he's a nigger with...

-...yellow boots. - Excuse me, sergeant, you know that the martians don't exist.

- So why did you make me investigate? - In order to demonstrate they don't exist. - So what to do? Must I stop investigations?

Do just like as you want, provided that you won't make me get some troubles, ok, did you understand?

Yes, commander, at your beck and call.

I don't understand...

Hello? Villa Crosara? Are you still the anonymous one? What's up now? A martian in the garden? Dead or alive?

They want to throw him down the well? Really? Listen, old woman, do you know...

...what it may happen if I catch you while playing these jokes? I'll shove you in prison!

Now they are bringing him...here's now they have just thrown him down in the well.

- What are we saying to mr count tomorrow? - Don't take care of that, now he's sleeping. - Tomorrow he will have forgotten him.

Concluding these accurate investigations, we find that the 3 rumoured martians are a result of ill fantasies due to...

...alcoholism, sexual dissatisfaction, political exaltation and mostly a desire of visibility, exhibitionism and speaking on TV...

...infact no one martian, neither dead neither alive, has been found,

and the same can be said about the alarming messages...

-...they might have give to the human kind. - And the martian woman? - As to the martian woman, provided with...

...glass boobs, we find that she's a masked girl from the town, having no papers

and refusing to take off her glass helmet to let her identify...

...she will enter the provincial prisons and she will answer for

resisting arrest and gross indecency.

Signed Sergeant Vincenzo Berruti.

- So what? What happened Fantuzzi? - It's not powered, sergeant.

- So what to do? - I'm afraid that the battery has discharged.

- Run, hurry! - I'm coming back in 10 minutes.

The battery has discharged.

Come here, I'm catching you. What are you doing? Are you escaping from me?

Where are you getting in now?

Are you going into there? Come here.

Where are you going to hide?

Certainly! Certainly, be sure of that!

- Sergeant! Where are you sergeant? - I'm here, Fantuzzi. - What happened?

The flying saucer, I have spoken to martians, where's the car?

I got an important message I have to communicate to the human kind, hurry, run!

And in a hurry they took me to communicate the message.

But instead of a message I got a massage, they put a white beanie on my head and they made me get an electro-shock...

-...the same destiny happened to the accountant and telegraph operator,... -...to give life a meaning can lead you...

-...to madness... -...to the poor don Giuseppe,... - Let's care for each other, holy mackerel.

...and to the count Momi, who threw his mother down in the well and came here by his own free will...

...I'm feeling so good here at the mental hospital, there's a lot of understanding...

Me, who used to obey silently and silently to die, it has been 4 years since I'm inside here, where, they...

...try to persuade me that I got mad by incredible tortures, but, since I'm not mad, I wrote my memorials...

...but, not being this a sufficient evidence in order to be reliable, I'm asking all the people who cared for me...

...and knew me in the line of my duty, the blameless ones and the jailbirds, if you'll meet a martian one day by any chance,...

...for writing to me immediately at the following address: ex Sergeant...

...Vincenzo Berruti, Saint Ubaldo's mental hospital, province of Treviso, flying saucers unit.

THE END

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